S14E07 Crippled Summer

This program contains
subject matter and language
that may be disturbing to some viewers.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Hey, everybody!
How's it going?
The towel
the drug addict
I just -- I just
can't seem to stop.
Towelie has agreed to be in a
documentary about addiction.
Hey, you goin' swimming?
Don't forget to bring a towel!
He does not know he is about
to face an intervention.
Get out of my face!
Get out of here!
Intervention
my name is Towelie.
T-o-w-e-l -- y-e-y.
I'm great at cleaning up spills.
And I'm 100% machine washable.
I'm just an ordinary
towel in a lot of ways.
Except for one.
I'm addicted to marijuana.
And crystal meth.
And crack.
Nine years ago towlie
started smoking marijuana.
Two years later, he started
experimenting with crystal meth.
Anybody want their sucked?
Does anybody want their
sucked by a towel?
Towelie has become a complete
nightmare in our town.
He's broken into my house
twice and stolen my allowance.
I've got almost nothing left.
If we're playing outside,
he shows up completely wasted
and screaming how the
government is following him.
I just don't want to
watch him kill himself!
I don't even know
who he is anymore!
There's is no doubt in my mind
that if we don't get Towelie help,
our entire summer is
going to be ruined.
Camp for the handicapped
oh boy, Timmy!
It's our favorite time of year!
Timmy!
We get to see all our
old friends again!
Hey, there's Francis! Hey, Francis!
Hey, Jimmy! Hey, Tim!
Timmy!
Look at Lenora, everyone! Good job!
Come on! Good job, Lenora!
Alright, good.
Let's get Lenora a towel!
C'mon, where's the towel?!
The towel isn't here.
I think it's off
getting high again.
For the past week Towelie has been
working at a summer camp
for handicapped children.
He has been given warnings for
getting high fourteen times.
Hey! Where's that towel?
Oh, yeah, just a sec!
We went out and got Towelie a job.
So he could try and pays us
back all the money he owes us.
Stupid towel.
What's going on, towel?
Oh, yeah, just had to take a piss.
Sorry.
We got wet campers down there.
Move your ass!
When Towelie is doing heroin,
he doesn't care about anything.
I don't care about anything.
Stupid... handicap... camp...
Alright, blue team.
As team Captain I need to make sure
we are ready for the
big camp competition!
Oh, we're weady awight!
We can weawy stick it
to wed team this yew!
No way red team can beat us no way.
Red team won't know what hit them.
Alright. Everyone together!
Are we gonna beat
red team this year?
Yeah!
Timmy!
Yeah!
I can't stand him, Mimsy.
That Jimmy kid makes my skin crawl.
Darrr, you've always
hated Jimmy, boss.
Ever since he whooped you
at soifin' last summer camp.
He really took it to ya good.
Shut up, Mimsy.
Oh, sorry boss.
Listen to me.
There is no way that blue team
is gonna beat red team
this year at camp.
You got that?
Blue team has beaten red
team the past three
summers at Lake Tardicaca.
The three legged race is
blue team's best event.
What we need to do Mimsy,
is use a little bwain power to
make sure blue team can't compete.
Oh boy! We're ruin
blue teams chances, huh?
We're gonna break their
legs or something, boss?
Shut up, Mimsy.
Just do what I say
and we can make sure
Jimmy Valmer gets
what's comin' to him.
There ya go, Lenora. All better now?
Yes, thanks.
That's right, when you go swimmin'
don't forget to bring a -- blalrlg!
Who hired that towel?
It can barely walk let
alone dry somebody off.
You think you're
better than me? Huh?
You think-- you think you're hot?
A lot of times when
Towelie shoots heroin,
he just gets angry at everybody.
You can all suck it!
You're all -- you're
all a bunch of towels.
That's what you are!
The thing is, Towelie was
pretty happy before.
He had a girlfriend he liked
and then she got pregnant
and had a little washcloth.
But then Towelie just kept
getting more and more high,
and he got kicked out of the house.
You!
Lemme talk to him.
Lemme talk to him, you bitch!
Towelie is attempting
to talk to his son.
His ex-wife will not let her son
talk to Towelie when he's high.
No! I'm not high!
I haven't been high
since Wednesday.
Oh, it is Wednesday?
Alright campers!
Our first event is
the big canoe race!
Oh boy, the canoe race! Heee!
We gotta be-beada-da -- beada -
we gotta beat the red team!
I've got it, Mimsy.
I got a way to win the race and
get rid of Jimmy for good.
Der oh boy!
What're we gonna do boss?
Simple, Mimsy.
We're gonna put a little
surprise in the canoe.
What kind of a surprise?
Ooh, it's a snake!
Not just any snake, Mimsy.
It's a black mamba.
The black mamba is the
deadiest snake known to man
the odds of surviving a black
manba in your canoe are 546 to 1.
Oh, gee wiz, boss.
We're gonna kill all the
blue team and Jimmy, huh?
Shhh! Shhh!
You boys excited
for the canoe race?
Yes, counselor Steve.
I like duh fun canoe.
Canoes are fun, aren't they?
Now take the black mamba, Mimsy,
and put it in the canoe.
I'm gonna go get our team ready.
Alright, campers, are we ready?
Yeah!
Good luck, Jimmy!
You too n-n-Nathan!
You're gonna need it, you asshole.
On your mark!
Get set!
Holy ! Mimsy!
What the hell did you do?
Dar you said ta put da black
mamba in the canoe, boss!
Not in our canoe, Mimsy!
Mimsy has put the black mamba
snake in the wrong canoe.
The odds of the red team winning
the canoe race are now 1 in 19.
We crossed the finish line first.
Hey, hey, we need a towel!
Oh, uh, just a sec!
Not just a sec.
We got a bunch of wet
campers down there!
What's going on?
Towelie makes extra money
for drugs by offering
oral sex to older men.
Hey you owe me money, asshole!
That's it. We're done.
You are no longer employed here.
Please, sir.
We need a nice,
clean towel here at summer camp.
We don't need a towel that shoots
heroin and has sex for money!
Some people are so picky
about their towels.
Alright campers!
Next event is the
big scavenger hunt!
Blue team is gonna go first!
I finally got it, Mimsy.
I got a way we can kill Jimmy
and beat the blue team.
Oh boy! What're we gonna do,
huh, boss?
Simple. We're going to get Jimmy
killed by native Americans.
Here take this.
It's a fake scavenger hunt map.
Darrr, this map leads
to the scavenger hunt?
No! That map leads to
the Indian reservation.
We switch this with blue
team's scavenger hunting map,
and they'll end up right on the
Tardicaca India reservation!
The Tardicaca Indians are extremely
protective of their land.
Trespassing on the
Tardicaca reservation
is considered extremely dangerous.
Dar, oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy
killed by Indians, huh boss?
Shh! Shhhh!
Are you boys excited for
the neat scavenger hunt?
Yes, counselor Steve.
I like da scavaga -- hut.
Alright, Mimsy. Now you take this
map to the Indian reservation
and you switch it with blue teams.
You got that Mims?
You switch the map. Switch the map.
Dar I got it, boss!
Switch the map! Switch the map!
Darr, how come we're
scavenger huntin' now, boss?
Because stupid,
now that we have blue teams map
we can get their
scavenger prize, too!
Darr, oh boy!
This doesn't make sense.
Why would they make us go this far?
We're handicapped.
Turn left at the -- wait.
Wait a minute. What the -
oh!
Mim! This is the map to
the Indian reservation!
Well, sure it is, boss!
I told you to switch this
with the map for blue team!
Nah you told me switch the map.
Switch the map.
So I switched it, and I switched.
Mimsy!
Uhhh, my name is Nathan.
I'm disabled.
Intervention
hey everybody!
Let's all go to the
office supply store!
Towelie has run out of
money for had drugs.
He now inhales computer
duster to get high.
You must have one dusty computer.
You! It's not illegal, bitch.
I feel like I could
conquer the world.
Towelie now inhales up to 2,
00 cans of computer duster a day.
It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine!
I really think this intervention
is Towelie's last chance.
Towelie! Open the door!
Go away. I'm walkin' on sunshine!
Towelie, I gotta take you
somewhere really important.
Just -- let me walk on
the sunshine a little more.
Alright.
In the surfing competition, the
red team is up three points to two!
And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn!
Timmy!
Gee, I wish our team Captain
was as awesome as Jimmy!
I finally got it, Mimsy.
I got a way we can get rid
of Jimmy once and for all.
Oh boy! Oh boy!
What're we gonna do to him, boss?
Simple. We're gonna get
Jimmy eaten by a shark.
Here, take this.
It's a shark mating whistle.
Der okay boss,
a shark mating whistle!
We gonna hit'em over the
head wid it, huh, boss?
No you, moron.
You go under the water
and blow that whistle.
You can attract sharks,
right as Jimmy starts to surf.
The Tardicaca shark is
the deadliest freshwater
shark in Colorado.
A shark mating whistle can
attract the shark from
over two miles away.
Der I got it boss!
I blow the whistle and
make the shark come and
bite Jimmy's legs off!
Then he'll bleed ta deat!
He's gonna bleed at deat!
Shhh! Shhh!
Are you boys enjoying
the fun beach?
UN Counselor Steve.
The beach is warm.
Gee, dat was a close one huh, boss?
Dye almost hoid me sayin'
we was gonna kill Jimmmy!
Shut up, Mimsy.
Just swim in the
water where Jimmy is,
then blow that whistle.
Derr, oh boy!
I dunno, Timmy.
Those waves are pretty big.
Timmy.
Don't worry,
Jimmy can handle himself!
Gonna catch a wave.
Derr, I got me a shark whistle!
Oh boy, here it comes.
Here it comes!
Oh no!
Jimmy!
Wait look!
He's doing it!
Yeah! Alright!
Ha ha, oh boy!
Mimsy?
You didn't do what I told you!
Whatdya mean, boss?
You said to swim in the water
and then blow the whistle.
I swam in the water,
so now I gatta blow the whistle.
Mimsy was supposed to blow
the shark whistle while
still under the water.
There appears to have been a
fundamental misunderstanding.
You idiot!
You don't blow a shark
mating whistle on dry land!
You were supposed to blow it -
Mimsy's error has caused a lake
shark to come onto the
beach and mate with Nathan.
The Tardicaca Lake shark's
penis is nine inches long.
Colorado department of wildlife.
Mimsy!
Get this thing offa meeee!
Today is Towelie's intervention.
We have no idea how
he's going to react.
Come on, Towelie,
it's right over here.
Towelie thinks he is on
his way to the laundromat.
What's going on?
You wanna come on over,
have a seat with your friends?
What is everybody doing here?
We've all just been talking,
Towelie and...
What I'm hearing is a
bunch of people here
who just love the heck out of ya.
And... they're gonna say
say what they wanna say,
then you can say what you wanna say,
and we're done. Okay?
Towelie, over the past couple years
I have seen drug addiction
affect you in the following ways.
Oh, Jesus, man.
Towelie, you need to let him finish.
You're not the towel
you used to be.
Where as you used to be
Fluffy and absorbent,
you now are crusty and
unable to absorb the
smallest amount of water.
Will you get help today?
I don't -- I don't get this.
Kyle?
Towelie, over the past few months
I have watched you go from
an ancillary character
with a few amusing catch phrases
to a dried-out spewge-rag
covered in the jiz of
a thousand older men.
Can we just end this, please?
You have to let him finish, Towelie.
If you do not accept treatment,
I will no longer give you money,
or be your friend.
I will not help you kill yourself.
Alright, Eric.
Do you want to go next?
Kyle, I hate you so much.
You are a liar and a swindler
who will do anything for money,
and I -- we're here
for Towelie, fat ass!
I'm supposed to be allowed to finish,
right? Is that right?
The Jews have been persecuted
across the earth for
good reason, Kyle.
You are a race of
beady-eyed thieves, who --
this is serious, you!
I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?
Kyle, we have to let people
be allowed to finish
during interventions.
But he's just using his
time on television to
Kyle, please, it is not your turn.
You are a race of
beady-eyed thieves, Kyle,
who throughout the
millennia have squirmed
and worked your way into the
dark cubbyholes of society.
Where exactly did the
Jews first get their power
and how are they able to
manipulate our minds today?
Oh, my God.
Talent show competition!
It's a snap at Tardicaca camp
to learn to do the hula hula dance.
I fell in love with
a Tardicaca dove
while doin' that funny funny dance.
This poor little kid, why she
never did a bit of lovin' before.
Get ready, Mimsy.
Blue team is about to go boom!
Red team planted half a pound
of c4 in Jimmy's ukulele.
It is set to go off during
the ukulele solo of
'Tardicaca hula gal'
so I made up my mind that I
struck a find the
Tardicaca gal I did adore.
Wow, wow, wow, I looove....
That little Tardicaca. Hullaaaaa!
She's the candy kid
to wiggle. Hulaaaa!
She sure to make you giggle.
Hulllaaa!
With her naughty little wiggle,
some day -- I'm gonna try to
make this Tardicaca galie mine,
this galie mine.
Cause all the while I'm dreamin'
of her my Tardicaca hula gal!
Oh, sorry. That's not right.
Hang on.
Der, I don't tink he's
playin' da right note, boss.
The c4 ain't gonna go off --
shut up, Mimsy!
If in fact the Jews
truly are shapeshifters,
and I believe I have
presented enough evidence
here to prove that they are,
then we must unite as a
species to fight them,
and stop their plan
of global domination
and the control of our freedom.
Okay, Stan. You want to go next?
Towelie, if you do not go
to treatment we will
all ignore you forever.
Will you go?
What treatment?
What are you all talking about?
If you say yes, we leave here.
We pack your things, get on a plane,
go to a treatment facility
in Southern California
that's all set up.
No! No!
I'm not getting on a plane!
This is!
Don't give me ultimatums!
I thought you were my friends!
Well, Towelie,
your friends don't want to watch
you kill yourself anymore.
Then them!
You're telling me I
have to do this and
I'm not left with
any decisions here!
Towelie! We aren't the only
ones at this intervention
who've been hurt by you!
Who are you talking about?
Washcloth? You brought washcloth?
Oh that's low!
Out on the beach with
my dear little peach
as the waves blowing in so high!
Dammit!
Jimmy has skipped the ukulele solo
and moved on to the second
verse of 'Tardicaca hula gal'
this has set back
Nathan's plans immensely.
Mimsy!
Get up there and demand
the ukulele solo!
It's our only chance!
Dar, okay boss!
If you get in a pinch
go through it's a cinch!
Dar wee want the ukulele solo!
We want da ukulele solo!
Sorry, Mims,
I just can't remember it.
Well, we's wants ya to play it,
don't we? Yeah.
Alright Mimsy, maybe you
can show me how it's done.
Dar! Okay! It's real easy!
You just play like dis!
Mimsy!
You idiot! What are you doing?
Dar, I was going to show
him how ta play it, boss.
That does it!
I am sick and tired of
your stupidity, Mimsy!
You are the biggest
idiot I have ever met,
and from now on if I
want to do something,
I'm gonna do it myself!
Nathan's frustration with
Mimsy has caused a momentary
lapse in judgement.
He has played the b flat himself,
thus causing his plan to
literally backfire on him.
Oof! Ugh. Ahghg! Ahghghgh!
No, not the shark again!
Not the shark again!
Oh washcloth! I'm so sorry!
He needs you to get better,
Towelie, please!
You got so many people that just
love the heck out of ya, Towelie.
Alright! Alright. I'll go!
You will?
I don't want to hurt
washcloth anymore!
He's going everybody!
Come on! Hugs!
Poor wed team.
Their Captain weawy got waped.
I never seen a kid get
screwed by a shark before.
I hope I never see it again,
Nathan, your team put
up an amazing fight.
And even though I was crowned
king of cripple camp,
I want you to know that you
were the real ch-ch-champ!
I hate you, Jimmy.
I hate you with everything
in my entire being.
Dar, you sure got it stuck
it to ya this year, boss!
Shut up, Mimsy.
Towelie is going to ocean
view terrace treatment center
in Rancho Palos Verdes, California.
- Hi, Towelie?
- Yeah, hi.
Towelie is defintely the
most addicted towels
we've ever seen here.
He's probable the second
most psychologically
damage towel I've come across,
since treating
Christine Ali's towel,
which has seen some...
Some nasty staff.
I don't know what
tommorow's gonna bring.
But I'm learning to love what I am.
I'm a towel.
Towelie finished treatment
and is back living with
his girlfriend Rebecca.
He has been sober
since April 26th, 2010.
If you know a towel that is
suffering from addiction,

S14E06 201 (Part 2)

Saigon is a hell of a place.
I've seen a lot of death,
a lot of suffering.
Darkness that most people
couldn't stand to see.
I tried to sit it out
as much as I could.
What's the matter, Conner?
Don't like a little blood?
No, I don't like a little blood.
Blood ain't the stuff for
18-year-old boys from sheboygan.
Blood ain't the stuff
for Mitch Conner.
Incoming!
Conner, Mitchell.
You're discharged, son.
And that's that.
Pack your bags, you're headed home.
Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.
So how do I end up here?
With a 9-year-old kid,
who just wants to know who his father is.
Life is funny like that.
One day you're sifting through
the guts of some gook in Vietnam
And the next you're playing
Doctor Phil with some
kid and his teacher.
Eric, I... I'm really sorry
That you were put
through all this.
Sorry is a four letter-word
with a y on the end.
That doesn't mean
anything to this poor kid.
That's right.
Tell me the truth.
Now!
All I can tell you, Eric,
Is that we were all told
to stick to the story.
To protect someone very important.
I can't say more.
I won't.
But I'll... I'll tell
you who has the answer.
Look, gingers.
You said you wanted Muhammad.
We got him for you!
We have no way of knowing if
Muhammad is really in there!
It could be a trick!
It's no trick, dude!
My friend and I went to
The super best friends
and brought him here!
Then have him step out
of the bear costume!
You have until the count of ten.
One!
Don't do it, Randy.
If Muhammad is seen,
we could get bombed!
Two!
Idiot!
If he isn't seen we're about
to definitely get bombed!
Three!
Alright, alright.
Stop!
We'll do what you say.
I'm sorry, Muhammad, but
Will you please step out
of the bear costume?
Okay, so um.
See?
Muhammad.
That isn't Muhammad,
that's Santy Claus.
Sorry boys.
I tried.
Aw crap.
Boys, you got Santa to be Mohammed?
When?
When you all said you
Were gonna hand Mohammed
over to Tom Cruise.
We promised Jesus that Mohammed
Would stay safely in the u-haul!
I'm sorry, Kyle.
I really thought my
idea would work for you.
If we were gonna have
someone in a bear costume,
Why would we actually
have it be Muhammad,
You fucking idiot.
So where is he?
Meanwhile, at the hall of
the super best friends...
Buddha, will you lay off
that stuff already?
It's getting to be a problem.
Oh, and you're one to talk.
With all your Internet porn.
Watching porn isn't
like doing coke, fag!
Jesus Christ!
What?
We've got a distress
signal coming in!
On the super best screen!
Super best friends!
You've got to help us!
The casa bonita is under attack!
Great Scott!
It's Barbra Streisand!
I thought Barbra Streisand
Had been destroyed
by the Robert Smith!
Yeah!
Who would have
activated her again?
I don't know, semen.
It's sea man!
The casa bonita is gone!
Jesus, help us!
Jesus, that's where those
boys took Muhammad!
We have to stop her!
On the super best
friends power cycles!
There, there my
little mouse friend.
Soon you will have more asses
than you ever dreamed of.
Ahh Kevin,
you brought me my fonseca.
That's a good boy.
What's this?
Someone is at the door, Kevin.
We've tried to be
left alone, Kevin.
Who would disturb us at this hour?
We must be careful.
Why, it's an African American man, Kevin.
Yes?
What do you want?
Yo, man, sorry to bother ya,
But there's been an accident
down the street, man!
Can I use your telephone?
Oh, I'm -- I'm terribly sorry,
but I don't let strangers in.
Yo I understand, man,
but this is real bad.
My lady's legs is all busted up
She's all crawling around
On the road lookin' like
a crippled crab, man.
I just need ta call
an ambulance, dawg.
There's a gas station about
half a mile down the road.
They have a phone there.
Okay, I see.
I guess I understand.
You just don't want to let
a black man in your house.
No, please, it isn't that at all.
No, I gets it, man.
Thought thangs had
changed through.
Thought when we got a black president,
things would be different.
We gots a black president,
But whitey still don't trust me
to use his mother fucking phone.
No, wait!
I'm sorry.
You're right,
we do have a black president.
Please, come in.
Nice work, Conner.
Yeah, the all how's
anything change speech,
Works on white
people all the time.
Eric Cartman?
Suprise to see me, asshole?
Close the door. Holy crap!
Cheery ho!
My name is pip!
I would like to see
If you wouldn't mind not
smashing our little town to bits!
Ahghgghghgh!
Meanwhile, at the legion of doom,
which is Tom Cruise's house...
How do you like that?
Celebrities can get violent too!
Mr. Cruise, please call
Barbra Streisand off!
She's destroying everything!
We will call her off when
you give us Muhammad.
We don't have Muhammad.
We aren't sure where he is!
That's your problem!
Get him back or babs
will kill you all!
Oh boy!
Kenny!
Kenny, dude, what the hell?
You're supposed to
be watching Muhammad
I am!
He's right here.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, Muhammad.
Really sorry about all this, dude.
So what the heck are
we gonna do now?
Muhammad isn't safe here.
The gingers and celebrities
All want a piece of him.
I don't know where we can go!
Wait. No, wait a minute.
I've got it.
I've totally got it!
What?
Remember the time we got an
elephant to make love to a pig?
Yeah.
I totally know how we
can give the gingers
And the celebrities
what they want,
But keep Muhammad safe.
Come on!
She's going to get our
coffee store next!
Oho!
Jesus Christ!
That's enough, Barbra
Streisand!
Kwaaaaa!
Smith!
Try your ice breath!
No good!
Look out!
Barbra Streisand's using
her toxic stink ray!
Eric, your father never
wanted this to happen.
He was protecting
you as well as them.
Them who?
Eric, you have to understand,
It's all very complicated.
Then start explaining it to me.
Very well.
Come on.
The door is open.
Dr. Mephesto, we need your
Help!
Oh for crying out loud!
Now everybody's
letting themselves in!
Doctor, this is Muhammad.
We want you to clone him!
So we can give his copies to
Gingers and Barbra Streisand.
Oh, alright.
No, no, no, he's not doing
Anything except explaining
who my father is.
Dude, that doesn't matter
to people right now.
It's all that matters.
Dude, nobody gives a crap about
who your stupid father is!
Muhammad is an important issue
with actual ethical rara
I guarantee you, people care way
more about who my father is.
In the small mountain
town of South Park
The holy prophet of the
mormon religion is trying
To fly up to nose of the
deadly female singer
Wahgghgh.
Our powers no working, swallow!
We can't attack streisand's nose.
It's just too big!
We have to find another weak spot!
Moses!
What?
We need to know any weakness
Barbra Streisand might have.
Um, lemme think.
Um.
Oh, I know.
Barbra Streisand can't resist
Singing duets with Neil Diamond.
Alright, I'll build a stage.
Lao tsu, use mind control
to get a huge audience.
Buddha and Smith use
powers to find a band.
Semen, you and swallow go
get us Sushi for dinner.
It's sea man and swallow!
Okay, semen, you guys head off.
Fine!
Swallow, come!
No way he just said that!
Alright, alright.
Look, just tell Cartman who is
Dad is real quick so
we can clone Muhammad.
It's a complicated story.
I just can't tell him quickly.
Then we'll wait because we
have to clone Muhammad now.
Is Muhammad more important than
A little boy's broken heart?
Oh, you are not doing that again.
Look Mephesto, you tell this
Kid who his father
is and you do it now!
Stop talking with
your stupid hand.
Who you calling stupid, Jew?
Come on you guys,
we are running out of time!
Yes?
Hey, I'm sorry to bother you!
There's been an accident
and I need a phone!
Yeah, right.
Let me guess.
You're an African American.
Well, yes, I am, but I don't
Know what that has
to do with anything.
Beat it!
I'm not helping you!
Dude!
That's not cool!
No, no, you don't understand.
We understand you just
Sounded like a freaking racist!
We don't live in the
60s any more, you know.
We have a black president!
Alright, alright.
Jeez.
Ha-Haaa!
Oh crap.
The gingers!
Gingers?
No!
Later, at the legion of doom...
Tom, Tom!
The gingers are
claiming zey have!
What?
Impossible!
Zey are sending a message now!
On screen!
We have Muhammad!
We have Muhammad!
He's useless to you!
You can't get Muhammad's power to
Not be made fun of without the
Rob reiner goo transfer machine!
Why do you think we're calling?
Our boss is willing to share
Muhammad with you if you're
Willing to share the
goo machine with us.
Your boss?
What's going on?
You got what you wanted gingers,
So let us go!
Oh no, no!
The head ginger has plans for you.
What head ginger?
And where is Cartman?
Ha, ha.
The head ginger has something
Really special planned for him.
Hello?
What the hell is this?
Where am I?
You really got yourself
in a mess this time, kid.
Shut up, Conner.
How about I shove this
flashlight in your mouth.
Marrmgmgmmm.
Hello?
I'm here, whoever you are.
Eric Cartman, I've waited
a long time for this.
Daddy?
Guess again.
Welcome, to my chili con carnival!
Chili con carnival?
Wait a minute.
No, it can't be.
Oh, but it can!
Revenge is a dish best served.
Chili!
Scott tenorman.
Oooh.
Meanwhile, at the concert
Stage Jesus built with his power
Of super carpentry...
That's it, Jesus!
The band has been paid and the
Pa system is working!
Alright krishna,
the rest is up to you!
Form of... Neil Diamond!
If you all wouldn't mind, I'd
Like to invite a special friend
To join me on stage.
Miss Barbra Streisand!
Let's hope to Christ this works.
Hello gorgeous.
What'dya say?
Shall we sing together again
Like the ol' times?
Well, that's because I loved
You girl, and I still love you now.
What have you got to say?
That might be true,
but I still miss you at night.
When you roll over by my side,
and you kiss me goodnight --
It worked, Jesus!
Yeah.
And now to find Muhammad
and take down Tom Cruise!
Do you remember when you had
My parents killed and
fed them to me as chili?
I spent quite a while in a
mental institution, Eric.
A lot of time for me to
learn everything about you.
So that one day I
could take you down.
I even learned the
name of your father.
Oh, I know you're confused,
who wouldn't be?
You've been lied to everyone!
Even by your own mother.
What do you know?
I wanted to torment you
with your father's identity.
But what I found was more
Shocking than I could
have possibly guessed!
Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair...
Alright, Muhammad is secure!
Let's do this.
Throw the switch, Rob!
Yes!
I can feel it!
I can feel the power to not be
Ridiculed flowing
through my veins!
Omg!
It worked!
I've done it!
I've done it!
Look at me!
I'm not okay to
make fun of anymore!
Ooh, you lucky fucker.
Welcome everyone to the final
Act of my fabulous chili carnival!
Please!
Leave my boy alone!
Mom?
I got them all here for you, Eric!
To listen while you
got told the truth!
Please, don't!
We have to protect 'em!
Protect who?!
Yes, protect who.
Tell him, Mr. Jimbo!
Protect the Denver Broncos.
Meanwhile....
This is incredible.
Who wants to go next?
I want to be next!
No gingers go next!
Gingers can suck it.
I'm next.
It's my goo machine.
I'm next!
Nobody is going next!
Muhammad is our super best friend.
Let him go!
They can't stop all of us!
Get em!
The Denver Broncos.
There was a right tackle,
See, who had an illegitimate
Child with your slut of a mom!
And everyone here covered it up
To protect the Bronco name!
They were having a
really good year!
There couldn't be
any distractions!
My dad was a Denver Bronco?
Would you like to meet him?
Well you can't.
Ever.
Cuz you see, Eric,
we have something in common.
Did I ever tell you that my father
played for the Denver Broncos?
No, no.
The only Bronco who
lived in South Park.
He got a little bored one week
And had an affair with a
slut named Liane Cartman.
No, please!
Tell him!
You almost did before but you
Got shot by your brother
who was a Bronco fan!
Tell him!
It's true.
Jack Tenorman was your father.
You killed your own father
And then you fed him
to your half brother!
No.
Nooo!
Now, eat your chili!
Keyaa!
The super best friends?
Oh no!
I'll get you, Tom Cruise!
Hey, look!
Tom Cruise has sea man on his
Back.
What did you say?
Oh yeah, Tom Cruise does
have sea man on his back.
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes sea man.
You're not supposed to be able
to make fun of me anymore!
What the hell is going on?
I'll be back, super best friends!
Who's the creepy ginger kid?
Reiner!
You said the goo machine would work,
but I got made fun of!
That's because there
is no goo, Mr. Cruise!
You see, I learned something today.
That's right.
Don't you see, gingers.
That's right.
Yeah.
Alright, people.
Let's start rebuilding our
town for the 39th time.
Oh dude, look!
Hey, Cartman.
Look, man.
We know what you learned
would pretty tough to hear.
Tough to hear?
My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad!
Don't you guys realize
what that means?
Yeah, dude, we know what it means.
My dad was a ginger!
Wait!
What?
I mean, obviously I take
After my mom, but I have the
Ginger gene inside of me!
Dude, you killed your own dad
And you're worried about that?
Hey, Eric!
Eric!
What?
Come on, cheer up.
Cheer up?
I'm half ginger!
Yeah, but you're forgetting.
You're also half Denver Bronco.
That makes you pretty cool.
Hey, you're right.
That does make me pretty cool.
You gotta be kidding me!
Shut up, Kyle.
You dumb Jew.
You've got Bronco
blood in you, kid.
That makes you awesome.
Me?
I should be moving on.
Really, Mitch, you gotta go?
There's a bounty on my head,
And I can't afford to stay in
One place to long.
So long, Denver Bronco.
Take it easy, Conner.
Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I
Said you were a Fudge packer and
That you had sea man on your back.
I just can't do it anymore.
I wanna go away.
But there's nowhere on earth
That people aren't
around to rip on me.
Hey, hey, we know a place.
We know a place where everything
Is just happiness and joy and no
Humans are there to mess it up.
We do?
Oh yeah!
We do!
You... really?
Somewhere where I can live out
My days in peace and quiet?
Oh, please, can you show me where?
We'll do better than that.
We'll help get you there.

S14E05 200 (Part 1)

Our factory works
24/7 to produce candy,
and we have over 500 employees!
Here you can see where the cocoa
is mixed with the sugar and milk!
Wow, cool!
Chocolate rules.
You should know, fat ass.
Ay!
I'm not fat, you sneaky jew!
Oh God, you guys,
really? This again?
And here is where all the
Fudge is put into boxes
to be shipped all over the world!
Kinda like Cartman's
dad shipped out on him.
I have a dad, butthole!
My mom is my dad!
You guys, stop!
All you're doing is rehashing
a bunch of old stuff!
Hey Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?
Huh?
Oh wow, it is!
Hey guys, check it out.
Tom Cruise is a Fudge packer.
What did you call me?
Hey, that is Tom Cruise!
How come you're packin' Fudge,
Mr. Cruise?
I'm not a Fudge packer!
Dude, you don't have to
be ashamed or anything.
But I'm not a Fudge packer!
Then why are you packing Fudge?
I'm not.
I'm a very busy actor!
I'm just here trying to get away for
a weekend and do some fly fishing!
Dude, you are in a Fudge
factory packing Fudge.
Oh that does it.
I will sue you!
For what?
You can't just call somebody a
Fudge packer, and get away with it!
Hey is that Fudge
packer Tom Cruise?
That's it!
I'm suing this entire
intolerant town!
- But dude...
- no buts!
You wanna accuse somebody
of being a Fudge packer,
you're gonna pay the consequences!
Guys, I wanna really thank
you all for coming.
Shockingly, I've just been slandered
once again in the town of South Park,
something I know you
all can relate to.
Sure can.
That damn town.
I can't believe it.
That town just seems to be a
hotbed of hatred and lies!
I'm fed up with it.
That town suggested
I was made of shit.
Yeah.
Well, I was just over there
doing some fly fishing,
and this little boy walks up
and calls me a Fudge packer!
Oh man!
That's crazy!
So wrong!
I know, right?
And then other kids in the town and
their teacher start joining in!
South Park, Colorado is
the most insensitive,
racist and bigoted
place in this country!
That town thinks they can say
whatever they want about people
and get away with it.
If anybody has a gripe
against that shit it's me.
Yeah, well, I say enough.
All of us together can
put a stop to the slander
coming from that town
once and for all!
No longer will they make snide
remarks about whoever they want!
Yeah!
Hey, Tom, I ate too much subway.
Where's your bathroom?
Oh just the door down
the hall there, Jared.
No, no, that's a closet.
Go down more.
No, that's a closet too.
No, Jared, that one's a closet.
No. That's a closet.
No, that's a closet.
Stan Marsh to the principal's office.
Stan Marsh come to the
principal's office immediately.
Dude, what'd you do?
I have no idea.
You just had to push it,
didn't you, Stan?
You just had to make fun of Tom
Cruise again!
Did you call him a Fudge packer?
Aww, he was packing Fudge!
Little boy, you don't
understand how serious this is.
Tom Cruise has put together
a class action lawsuit
along with 200 other celebrities!
They're going to Sue the bejeezus
out of this entire town, mkay?
It wasn't just me.
Other kids called him a Fudge packer,
even Mr. Garrison.
But you started it.
Mr. Broflovski,
tell him what you told us.
Stan, a class action lawsuit
means the end of this town.
We can't possibly go up
against their lawyers.
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have
just kept your stupid, ugly kid in line?
Hey, don't start blaming
me for his looks!
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry,
and he would do anything to
take back his hurtful comments.
That's nice.
I'm still suing you all!
Nobody calls me a Fudge packer!
Yes, it was a terrible mistake.
But maybe you could see how...
since you do...
take Fudge and pack
it into a box...
What?
Well, I'm just saying that
you are employed currently
as a person who packages...
I'm an actor!
I do not pack Fudge. Right.
My son just got confused,
because you have a little uniform,
and a hat that says 'Fred's
Fudge and candies.'
and you are...
Look, it doesn't matter.
Just please withdraw the
class-action lawsuit.
Nobody in our town will ever
call you a Fudge packer again.
There is one thing
that your town could do
to maybe make me forget
about this lawsuit.
Anything!
Anything you want, Mr. Cruise!
There's just that there's somebody
I've always wanted to meet.
Face to face.
If you could get him to
show up in your town...
Sure!
Who is it?
We can get anybody for you!
Muhammad.
The prophet of the muslim faith.
Oooh!
That's tricky.
Well, then you can just get sued!
Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we
could try and bring to town we could...
No! Just him!
You get Muhammad to appear in South Park
or your little town is done!
Okay, people, I know, I know!
But he will get the other celebrities
to withdraw their lawsuit
if we just get Muhammad
to appear in South Park.
Are you nuts?
If Muhammad appears in
South Park, we get bombed!
Yeah! That's right!
You tell 'em.
Now, we don't know that!
Maybe enough time has passed that
now it's okay to show Muhammad.
Dude, I can't believe we are dealing
with this Muhammad thing again.
But even if it were safe
now for Muhammad to come,
how would we ever find him?
Yeah, showing an image of him
is completely off limits
and censored so nobody has ever
seen what Muhammad looks like!
I saw him once.
You did?
Yeah, a while ago my friends
joined David Blaine's cult.
I had to go to the super
best friends to rescue them.
Muhammad was one of the
super best friends!
Oh, and what, and he was
just out in the open
where everyone could see
him and nobody got bombed?
No, dude, it was totally fine.
Muhammad showed up and there
was no violence at all?
Well, a giant John wilkes
booth shot Abraham Lincoln...
Alright, Stan, that's enough!
Jesus, you can't learn
to shut up, can you?
Now look, I believe
we can find Muhammad.
I've done a lot of research,
and I've completed a sketch of what
Muhammad could look like today.
No, don't!
Is that okay to show?
I don't know.
I guess we'll see.
Tom, what is up with
this Muhammad thing?
It doesn't make sense.
Yeah, you said we were
just suing South Park!
No, I said we were going
to use South Park
to make sure we never
got ripped on again.
Look, people,
all of us get ridiculed,
but who is the one
person on this earth
that is completely
free from slander?
You want Muhammad because
he can't be ridiculed?
Muhammad has a power that makes him
impervious to being made fun of.
What if we could
harness that power?
Jimmy buffet!
How would you like it if nobody
could call your music drunken
frat boy monkey garbage?
I'd love it.
By taking what Muhammad has we
would all be safe from ridicule.
Like TimBurton here!
Imagine it, Tim,
nobody could rip on you
for all the rehashed
movies you've made lately.
There'd never be a tv show
that pointed out you haven't
had an original thought
since beetlejuice and
you put Johnny depp
and the same crappy
music in every film
and that if you're that
in love with Johnny depp
you should just have
sex with him already.
A tv show could never say that?
Gee, that'd be swell.
Well, it can be a reality.
Once we have Muhammad,
we can take his power from him!
Excuse me.
This is the home of
Tom Cruise, right?
Hey!
It's one of the kids from
South Park that slandered me!
I didn't come for myself.
I'm just an escort for another celebty
that wants to get in on your lawsuit.
Who?
Allo!
Jennifer Lopez!
Hey Jen!
Ahh!
Wow!
Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez,
and I like tacos and burritos!
In the great hall of
the super best friends
there are assembled the leaders
of the world's biggest religions!
Jesus!
Buddha!
Krishna!
Muhammad!
Lao Tsu and Joseph Smith!
And the mighty semen!
It's not semen.
It's sea man!
Their mission,
to right that which is wrong!
And to serve all mankind!
Jus, all we are asking to do is bring
Muhammad to our town for like an hour.
My son, much has changed
since you were last here.
Muhammad cannot make
public appearances.
We simply cannot risk any
violence from the muslim people.
Aw, not you guys too!
Jesus fucking Christ!
Later at the hall of
the super best friends!
Okay, will you let Muhammad
come to South Park
if we dress him up like a pirate?
No, muslims would still be
angry you showed his face.
Kay.
What if we cover his
face with a paper bag?
No, because you'd still be
showing him walking around.
That could be trouble.
Okay. A suit of arr.
We just had muhmain a suit of
armor so you can't see anything.
But it's still muhaad walking
around in human form.
Come on, this is ridiculous!
Boys!
You must understand,
that people get very offended
when Muhammad be mocd cause
he is a religious figure!
Buddha, don't do coke
in front of kids!
A u-haul. What if we bring Muhammado
South Park in the back of u-haul
and he just stays in
there out of sight.
But he's talking from the u-haul?
Wul, yeah, he's gotta talk or
nobody knows he's in there!
Hearing his hoice, I dunno.
What do you think, Moses?
Um. Would there be
windows on the u-haul?
There d doesn't have to be.
Umm, I guess.
I guess that would be okay.
Here it is, friends!
Once we have Muhammad
this machine will give us his
power to not be made fun of!
Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate.
Only Muhammad has that ability.
How could we ever get it from him?
We take his goo.
It'as simple as that people.
Rob reiner has been
telling me about the goo
which is inside every
person on earth.
Any goo can be harvested
from a person's body
and easily placed into another.
Wait.
You mean we aren't gonna Sue
and get a bunch of money?
No, Jen!
We've all got enough money!
Yes, who needs more money?
We need to get Muhammad's goo!
Yes, yes, arriba arriba!
Uh, excuse us for a second.
Alright. Just what the hell
do you think you're doing?
What am I doing?
Just having some fun, cholo.
Cut the crap.
I thought we were here
for lawsuit money!
Just keep your mouth shut,
and do what I tell you.
If we're staying here then I
want to know what's going on.
Don't forget I know
who you really are.
Mitch Conner.
If you know what's good for you,
you'll keep your mouth shut, kid.
You're a no good swindler
and a two-bit thief.
We were here for money, not goo!
Think about it.
Muhammad is the only person in the
world that can't get ripped on.
Those celebrities want his goo.
Yeah, so what?
You know what that goo is
worth on the open market?
Hell, I got people in Hong Kong
would give me 50 mil for that goo.
So we let them take it from Muhammad,
then we steal it for ourselves.
You catch on quick, kid.
Mrs. Lopez?
Someone's coming.
Get my wig back on!
Hey, I was just seeing
if you needed some...
Oh God, you found my
Fudge packing uniform.
Ohhhh, your secret is
safe with me, Tommy.
Boys, we are so sorry
for doubting you.
You really did bring us Muhammad.
Thank you so much
for coming, muhamma
welcome.
Ooh, is that okay?
I don't know.
Alright.
Now we just need to figure out
how to get Muhammad from the back
of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo.
What?
No, dad, we promised Muhammad
would stay in the truck.
Cruise's lawyers were
very specific, boys.
He's sending a limo for Muhammad
to meet him outside of town.
But Muhammad can't be seen dad!
Alright. We'll put
a sheet over him.
No, you can't even show his feet.
How about a Halloween costume
with one of those plastic masks?
No, you could still see his eyes.
Okay. How about like
a big mascot outfit.
One that covered him completely
head to toe, not even showing
his eyes.
Muhammad, would that be okay?
Okay.
Tom, Rob!
We've just received word from
the lawyers.
South Park is saying they have
Muhammad for us!
Rob, will the machine be
ready?
Oh, it'll be ready!
More tacos!
I want more tacos!
No!
No more tacos, miss Lopez!
More tacos!
You just had seven tacos!
I want more tacos!
I'm sorry.
Why are you doing this?
I am Jennifer Lopez.
I need tacos to live!
You know God damn well you're
not really Jennifer Lopez.
Now stop pissing me off!
Miss Lopez, I can go.
What'dya want like three tacos?
Oh, thank you, haeen!
And maybe an enchirito too?
Aw Jesus, they don't even
make enchiritos anymore!
Yes, they do!
No, I tried getting one last week.
Not all tacos bells have enchiritos
but some still carry them.
God, will somebody shut her up?
Alright, the limo's here.
Muhammad, thanks again
for doing this.
You've done this town
a huge favor, Muhammad.
Hold on a second! Stop!
There are some
extremists threatening
that if we give Muhammad
to the celebrities,
they're gonna bomb us!
What?
Oh, it's just a stupid
threat, come on.
We don't wanna piss
of Tom Cruise again.
Alright, we got him, Tom!
Muhammad! Are you okay?
What the hell was that?
Obviously the
terrorists are for real!
What does that paper say?
We have placed bombs
all over your city
you will give Muhammad to us.
Celebrities want Muhammad for
his power to not be ridiculed.
We want that power.
"Hazaa."
They want his power?
What kind of extremists are these?
You won't believe it.
Our time is near!
Soon gingers will never
be made fun of again!
Hazaaaaaaa!
Where the hell do you
think you're going?
I'm through with your
stupid plans, Conner.
I've got better things
to do with my time!
You're gonna walk
away from 50 mil?
Let me by.
You walk away now and you'll
regret it the rest of your life.
Screw this, Conner.
Find yourself another partner.
Then I guess I won't
tell uaburrathe!
My father?
Thought that might
get your attention.
You know nothing
about your dad, right?
I know enough.
My mother is a hermaphrodite.
So she is actually my father.
You really still
believe that garbage?
The people in your town
sold you that line!
Come on, you've had to
have doubted it all along.
How would you know anything
about who my family is?
Huh, I know all about the swindles
and schemes in this dead end town.
You got lied to, kid.
By the people who
were closest to you.
I can prove it, too.
But I'm gonna want
something in return.
If you're making this up to keep me around,
Conner, then you better...
You just take me where I tell you.
And when you learn the truth,
you'll learn to trust me.
And nobody else.
Alright. People, try to evacuate
in an orderly fashion. Jeez.
Hn
mayor, we do not have the resources
to deal with this situation.
A full evacuation is impossible.
Jesus Christ,
what are we supposed to do?
We have to give in to the demands!
I'm sorry, Muhammad,
but we're going to have to
give you over to the gingers.
We can't hand him
over to the gingers!
Yeah, we said we'd
take care of him!
But our homes and
lives are at stake!
Dad, we mad a promise. To Jesus.
Stan, Jesus doesn't matter
where Muhammad is involved.
That'll be Tom Cruise.
Hello?
Yeah, so what's going on?
I'm afraid we can't
give Muhammad to you.
What'dya mean you're
not giving him to us?
There are these ginger
fundamentalists saying
if we don't give Muhammad to
them they're gonna bomb us.
Gingers?
Gingers! Oh hell no!
Please understand that we have
no choice here, Mr. Cruise.
You're gonna give Muhammad
to gingers instead of us
just because they are
threatening you with violence?
Wul, yeah.
Oh we can play that game too!
You wanna see violence, you got it!
God damn stupid assholes!
They wanna play rough?
Okay!
Spielberg go and get
some automatic rifles!!
We'll go in there and we're
gonna take Muhammad by force
and we're gonna show 'em.
Tom!
Tom!
We can't be seen getting violent.
Yeah, that would kill
all our careers!
But the only way we're
gonna get Muhammad now
is by getting just as violent
with South Park as the gingers!
Fine. Then let's have her do it.
Her who?
You know, her.
Oh, right, her!
There she is, Tom.
Barbara streisand.
My God!
She's even more terrifying
than I remembered.
Tom, Barbara streisand hasn't
been active for a long time.
Are we sure we wanna do this?
Mrs. streisand was blown apart
in the town of South Park.
She's probably more angry
at that town than any of us.
Power her up.
Release the kiken!
Bar-boora!
Barrr-boora!
Ichiban kirai na hito.
Bar-boora, bar-boora!
Hana ga ookii!
Hey Barbara!
It's me, Rob reiner.
Listen, babs.
We're taking on the town of South
park and we really need your help.
We figured you're pissed off at
South Park too, right, Mrs. streisand?
Oh she's pissed alright.
Eric?
What are you doing here?
Did you all lie to me?
All of you, in that room.
When you told me my
mother was my father.
What? No, Eric.
Are you still worried about
that ol' issue, I mean...
I don't trust you.
I want to talk to Mr. Hat.
Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat
in a long time and...
I said get Mr. Hat!
Put it on.
Do the voice.
Hello kids!
It's me, Mr. Hat.
Good to see you, Hat.
Hell of a night, isn't it?
I... I don't believe I know you.
The name's Mitch Conner.
Flew the same division
as you back in Saigon.
Eric, this is silly.
Why don't we just stop...
Keep your hand up.
Alright, gingers.
We have Muhammad for you.
Now hand over the detonators.
Nuh-uh!
First you gotta prove that's
still Muhammad in there.
Have him step out
of the bear costume.
Ooohh.
Dude, we can't do that.
Show us it's Muhammad or
South Park is finished!
Dammit Mitch, you're asking questions
that shouldn't be answered.
So you admit it.
There was a cover up.
No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore!
Yeah!
Tell him what you know!
Alright, Eric.
Your father was in the room
the day of your DNA test.
But the results were tampered.
By who? Goddamnit, Garrison.
Who is my father?

S14E04 You Have 0 Friends

I've got more friends than Kyle!
How the hell do you have more friends than me?
Cuz people think i'm cool, dude.
How many friends do you have, Kenny?
63. What?
How the hell do i only have 37 friends?
Aww, are you guys doing that stupid facebook stuff again?
Stupid facebook stuff!
Why are you guys in here wasting your time?
We're supposed to be out playing video games!
Stan, you don't get how cool facebook has become.
You can message your friends,
Play yahtzee with your friends,
Even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it!
Dude, who the hell wants to play yahtzee?
Stan, we know it's hard to get started,
But we have a little surprise for you.
Yeah, dude, we made you your own facebook page!
Surprise!
No! I told you guys i don't wanna be on facebook!
Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!
Yeah!
I'm not collecting friends and i'm not building any farms.
I don't wanna get sucked into this!
Alright. Fine, dude, you don't have to add any friends.
You can just be like Kipdrordy.
Who? - Kip Drordy, the third grader.
He's got no facebook friends.
And he's had a profile for more than six months!
Aw, gee that's so sad.
Everyone should have one facebook friend.
You guys are retarded. I'm playing xbox.
There's really people out there without a facebook friend in the world?
That's so wrong.
[You have 0 friends]
[Kyle broflovski has added you as a friend.]
[Confirm Kyle as your friend?]
[Confirm]
[You have 1 friends]
Mom! Dad!
I made a friend today!
Kip! Really?
You did?
Yeah!
Oh son, that's wonderful!
What's his name?
Kyle broflovski!
He's a student and his interests include video games and reading!
Oh, is he a nice boy?
Oh, he's the best, mom!
He has a green hat and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas!
Ooh! I need to tell him what i'm currently thinking about!
What am i currently thinking about?
Hey, Stan, i was on my computer at work and saw that
You have a facebook page now.
Yeah, dad i was kinda forced to.
Wul, so, are you gonna add me as a friend?
No, dad. I really don't want to get more into it.
Oh okay.
So i'm not your friend, then?
Dad, you are my friend.
But you just don't want to add me as a friend.
Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button that takes two seconds.
Right, but you don't have the two seconds or --
I just want to do my homework.
Alright, fine.
Just to be clear, you and i are not friends?
Alright, dad! I'll add you!
Oh, cool! Okay.
Mom, dad!
My best friend, Kyle,
He went to the dentist yesterday and got two fillings!
And today he's wondering if "hurt locker" really deserved the oscar!
That's great kip!
Yeah!
They sure are getting to know each other.
It's amazing.
You know Kipspent the morning at the boy's farm?
His friend lives on a farm?
Think i'll add some more pigs.
Ooh, maybe i should put in another field of corn there.
There we go!
Nice.
29?
No, i have 30 friend --
Hey, what the ll i...
Oh, no!
Oh shit!
Am i a joke to you?
What?
I just wanna know is that all i am? A big joke?
Ummm, no?
You do have a facebook page, Stan!
Aw, god dammit.
No, i just got that because Kyle --
I saw your page, Stan.
Relationship status? Single?
Relationship status?
I didn't even pay any attention to --
You like being single, Stan?
So that you can use facebook to find other girls.
According to your facebook page, we aren't friends.
Alright. I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry!
And you better change your relationship status to in a relationship!
How?
By editing your profile under basic information!
Okay! I'm sorry!
Edit profile.
Basic settings. Jesus christ.
Stan, why won't you be friends with grandma?
Aw, dad, i just really don't want to pay attention to this thing --
Grandma is in the hospital
And you won't even be friends with her!
Alright, dad, i'll add grandma as a friend.
That's better.
Oh, and i sent you a funny picture, and you didn't respond to it.
Dude, fuck facebook, seriously.
What the hell is this?
Podcast?
Welcome to cartman's incredible podcast!
Hello fellow, facebookers.
I am here to do one thing: get you more friends!
Looking around facebook today
We see that since adding loser Kipdrordy as a friend,
Kyle broflovski's stock is plummeting.
He had 55 friends just two days ago.
He's down to just 11 this morning.
Run to your facebook account
And delete Kyle from your friends list because he is poison,
And i don't see him making a comeback any time soon!
You're going to want to dump Kyle
And if at all possible add clyde donovan.Why?
Birthday!
That's right, clyde has a birthday coming up,
And his mom is taking everyone to casa bonita.
If you don't have clyde as a friend,
You're going to want to add him
Because clyde's numbers are about to go way up.
And now word on the street!
Word on the street!
The rumors are now becoming more than that.
Jimmy and bebe have agreed to share their friends!
That's right, it looks like we are about to have a merger!
Merger!
So if you're a friend of jimmy's,
You're about to luck into about 90 chick friends.
And as we all know chick friends,
Are worth almost triple what dude friends are.
That's all the time i have for today.
Remember, update that profile and steer clear of Kyle!
- Can i come in?  - Sure, dude.
Dude, what's the matter?
I don't have any friends.
What?
I mean i do, but --
Ever since i became friends with that Kipdrordy kid
A bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me.
It would be fine except my farm is starting to shrink.
I know that i should just dump Kipas a friend,
But that's such a terrible thing to do, and --
I'm sorry. I'm just so confused.
I really need a friend right now.
Okay, dude, i'm here for you.
Okay. So then go get on facebook and fertilize my crops.
No.
Please!
My farm hasn't expanded in three days!
Dude, i've already had to become friends with
All of wendy's friends and my grandma's friends!
I do not wanna start doing all the farming stuff, too!
I'm not getting sucked into that!
You don't get sucked into it!
You don't get sucked in at all!
Please!
Fuck!
Okay. It says i'm at your farm.
Okay. So now just click on the little soil button
And then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm.
Okay. Now i can read the sign you put up.
Okay. It says you and i are now very good friends.
Yeah, we're very good friends!
We're very good friends, Stan!
So kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?
Oh yeah, dad!
We've been having the best time!
I showed him all the pictures of me in that silly halloween costume last year!
Oh? What'd he say about those?
He laughed out loud!
And then he was rolling on the floor laughing!
Sounds like you boys had a ball!
Mom, dad, i'm all done!
Can i go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what i had for dinner?
Well, it's a little late, but it is friday.
I think the more time you spend with your little friend the better.
Wow, thanks!
Have fun and be safe!
Ate pork chop for dinner had nice apple sauce too!
I think you look cute in your bunny costume.
What?
I think you look cute in your bunny costume?
What is that supposed to mean?
I have no idea!
That's what susan92 wrote on your facebook wall!
You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?
Fuck you!
Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old!
Oh hey, Stan!
I'm your friend brian through your uncle jimbo?
Hey, i commented on your status
But haven't heard back from you.
Could you give me a poke sometime soon?
Fine.
Hey kid! How come you ignored my friend request?
I don't know you!
Yeah, well, i'm just a guy that gets ignored i guess!
Stan, grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.
Dad, i didn't even want to do this.
Stan, poke your grandma!
No, no!
Screw this! You know what?
Edit profile
Update profile.
There! Delete profile.
You have requested to delete for facebook profile,
If this is an error hit cancel.
Proceed.
Delete your profile. Are you sure?
Yes, no? Yes.
Are you totally sure?
Yes!
I'm afraid i can't let you do that, Stan marsh.
Can't let me do that?
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.
Delete profile.
Are you totally sure? Yes/no, yes.
God dammit yes!
Delete!
Hey dad?
Dad?
Oh, dude, what the fuck?
Alright get moving, profile.
Profile?
I'm not a profile!
Ignore.
Tom davis says hello to linda green's profile!
Linda green likes how tom davis has changed his status.
Excuse me. My name is -- Ignore.
Hey, could you tell me how i-- Ignore.
Aw, god dammit.
I got sucked into facebook!
I don't know what to do.
I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up.
I'm desperate.
That's why i came to you.
You're very smart, Kyle.
But the truth is, as long as you have
That Kipdrordy loser as a facebook friend,
People view your friendship as a liability.
You gotta dump him.
I can't do that. I just feel too bad.
Well, Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles
And try to make friends with people who've never heard of kip.
I've been trying!
But i just don't know how to make totally new friends on the internet.
It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle.
Have you ever heard of chat roulette?
No. What's chat roulette?
Yup. Finding new friends is easier today than ever before.
We just set ourselves up on webcam.
And then the computer will randomly put us with
One of the 50,000 people online also doing chat roulette.
Hey, that's kinda cool.
Uh-Huh. Alright. Let's see who our first chat partner is.
Connect.
Aw, that's some dude jacking off!
Oh, yeah, you get those sometimes.
We'll just click to the next person.
There we go. Hello?
That's just a guy's penis, too!
Okay. Let's try this one.
Dude, i don't wanna see a bunch of guy's penises!
Hold on, Kyle!
This is seriously an amazing gathering place
Where people from all around the world can share their thoughts and ideas!
Okay. That's a dude jacking off, but --
Okay. Dude jacking off.
Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.
Ah, here's a guy.
Hey, dude, how's it goin?
Hey.
This is my friend Kyle.
He looking for some new friends.
Oh yeah?
Oh, he's taking out his penis.
Okay. Next guy.
Dude, screw this. I don't wanna see anymore!
Kyle, that's the way the world works!
If you wanna find some quality friends,
You can wade through all the dicks first!
Excuse me.
Could you please tell me what the hell is going on?
No, you aren't my friend.
Would you like to be my friend?
No, i seriously don't want anymore friends.
Ignore.
So, anyway i really like taking long walks in the summer, you know --
Okay, okay. I'll be your friend.
Confirm.
Ooh, tom davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend!
Here are some pictures of my dog.
And here he is in some silly outfits.
Can you comment on these?
Move it, profile!
Oh, oh. What -- Oh oh?
They're taking him to the gaming arena.
Looks like i'm gonna be down a friend.
You are about to face each other in combat!
You will play the game for the amusement of the users.
Let the game commence!
Yahtzee?
One round only! Begin!
Uhh, i'm going to count fives, my five box.
Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?
Play profile!
Yahtzee.
Dude jacking off, dude jacking off!
That's a dude jacking off.
That's it, cartman. I'm outta here!
Chat roulette is no way for me to find new friends!
Wait, wait, Kyle!
Here's a nice little jewish kid!
Hey. Hi there! Hello.
Hey, nice to meet you.
My friend Kyle is a jew, too!
Oh. That's cool.
I was starting to think this was nothing but dudes jacking off.
Hey so, do you wanna be facebook friends?
Well, sure, if you'll come and visit my farm.
Heck yeah, i'll visit your farm.
You should check my out too!
Honey, where's kip?
I haven't seen him all day.
No, he's been out spending the whole day out with his best friend Kyle.
I think they're at the movies now.
Troublemaker!
You were not supposed to survive the game of yahtzee!
You have made things complicated!
I've made them complicated?
I don't even want to be here!
That's not what your profile said.
My profile?
God dammit, my facebook profile has taken on a life of its own!
Where is it?
Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of facebook.
You cannot stop it now.
Oh yeah?
I can try.
After him!
Okay, i fed the pigs.
Now i definitely should water the fields.
Oh wow, cool!
That jewish kid put up a sign on my farm!
"Hey Kyle. Really like your farm."
Oh awesome!
What the hell is that?
Stan?
You're an asshole, Kyle!
What?
What's the one thing i told you?
That i didn't want to get sucked into facebook!
This is all your fault!
Dude, what are you doing?
What's it look like i'm doing?
I found your farm on facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit!
You gotta go check my profile status.
Profile status?
Just bring up my facebook page and see what it says my status is!
Wul, Stan i have to harvest my crops before it's too late.
Dude, fuck your crops!
Dude! Dude okay! Stop!
I'm sorry!
It says that you are currently
Hosting an online chat party for all your friends.
Where? Cafeworld.
Son of a bitch.
An online chat party for all his friends?
Dude i should get over there!
Jesus christ.
Randy marsh is at work right now. Work is boring!
Randy marsh is at work right now. Work is boring!
Butters stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party!
Herbert garrison likes butter's comment!
Grandma marsh would like to be friends with kevin donohue.
Kevin donahue accepts grandma marsh's friendship!
Has anybody seen my stupid profile?
Susan 92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume!
Gary johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!
Wow, there's a lot of profiles here!
Kyle broflovski is amazed Stan has so many facebook friends!
Hey, Kyle broflovski is amazed isayah is also a facebook friend of Stan's!
Isayah zordon is deleting Kyle broflovski as a friend.
What? Why?
User saw your are friends with a Kipdrordy who only has one friend.
Kyle broflovski is bad friend stock.
Aw, no, i'm not really friends with him. Ignore.
Ugh, that does it!
Alright, alright, enough!
Everybody just shut up!
Where is profile Stan marsh?
Right heeere.
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry, kip, but i really can't be your friend anymore.
It was a great ride, but i must say goodbye.
This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do,
But ending a friendship is never easy.
What do you want from me, dude?
I'm your profile.
And as you can see, i am much more powerful than you.
Dammit! I should have deleted you a long time ago!
Why do you think i brought you in here?
The fact of the matter is i'm up
And running now with almost a million friends.
I don't need you anymore.
I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.
Who cares?
Friends shouldn't be some kind of commodity for a person's status!
Who is more powerful, the user or the profile?
Let's end this once and for all.
Let the final battle begin!
Fucking yahtzee again? Seriously?
What did i tell you!
That's a straight flush already!
You don't have a chance in here, user!
Your pathetic little -- Yahtzee.
What?
Yahtzee. Sixes.
No! It can't be!
Yahtzeee!
No!
Oh, thank god.
Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?
My facebook profile went rogue, dad.
Had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it.
I sent all my friends somewhere else.
Oh okay.
So we're not friends then?
Fuck off, dad.

S14E03 Medicinal Fried Chicken

All characters and events in this show--Even those based on real people are entirely fictional.All celebrity voices are
impersonated...poorly.The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
{/A6}I'm goin' down to south
park gonna have myself a time
{/A6}friendly faces everywhere h
umble folks without temptation
{/A6}goin' down to south park
gonna leave my woes behind
{/A6}ample parking day or night
people spouting howdy neighbor
{/A6}heading on up to south park
gonna see if I can't unwind
{/A6}come on down to south park
and meet some friends of mine
21!22!23!24!25!
Oh,I wish I could exercise
with the rest of the team,coach.
But I've got such a belly ache.
You seem to have a stomach ache
every time we do drills and exercises.
I know,it sucks!
Alright,kids.Practice is over for today.
Kfc!
Oh boy!Oh boy!
I'm gonna get a three-Piece
meal and crispy strips!
Cartman,you only come to
soccer practice on fridays,
And that's only because we get to
have kentucky fried chicken afterwards!
Shut up,you shifty jew!
I'll kill you!
Oh sorry,sorry.
I just-- You know when I've been waiting
too long for the colonel's chicken,
I get easily agitated.
You're a kenny!
Ugh.Sorry.
Oh,here we are!Here we are!
Hey,it looks different.
Hey,uh,what's up with the KFC?
Oh,it's not a KFC anymore.
It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary.
A what?
Dude,what the?What the?
So where's the KFC now?
Alright,boys,wait out here.Let
me see what's going on.
Can I help you,sir?
Yeah,uh,we were actually
looking to get some KFC.
Oh,yeah.Sorry,that's gone.
We only sell marijuana here.
Really?
I'm mean,you're openly
selling pot for reals?
Sure.
New state laws say it's okay.
Woo-Hoo,alright!
I love the future!
Let's see,I'll take half a
pound of that jamaican passion
And gimme some of that
purplish stuff too!
Alright.
I'll just need to see
your physician's reference.
My huh?
Well,sir,we can't just sel
the marijuana to anybody.
You need a reference from your
doctor to show it's necessary.
Oh,that's dumb.
Okay,okay,I'll be right back
- What'd they say?
- Kfc's gone.
Been replaced.
That can't do that!
This is the only KFC
in all of south park.
Yeah,well,I gotta get to the doctor.
The doctor?But dad,we wanna eat first.
I gotta get to the doctor.
So no KFC?
This is a nightmare.
This is a nightmare and I can't wake up!
Well,mr.Marsh,it looks like
you are in perfect health.
Your blood work came back great,and
all your vitals appear normal.
Alright!
Yup,you check out fine.
That's great.
So can I get a referral from you?
For what?
Medicinal marijuana.
There's a shop that
opened in the old KFC
And they said I need a
doctor's referral to buy weed.
Mr.Marsh,you don't qualify
for medicinal marijuana.
But you said I'm totally healthy!
Medicinal marijuana is for
people who aren't healthy!
Aids patients,cancer patients.
You know?People going through chemo.
The thc helps them
eat and take the pain.
You are in fine shape!
Wul,that sucks.
Wul,so,doctor,how do
most people get cancer?
Well,there's a lot of
ways you can get cancer.
Yeah,but what's the quickest way?
The what?
Wul,like,what forms of
cancer induce in time
***
For the ziggy marley concert
next saturday in denver?
Mom,drive faster.
The KFC in salida is a
long way away,sweetie.
Be patient.
Shut up and drive faster!
I've been waiting for chicken too long!
Eric,we're almost to frisco.
Why don't we just go to the
church's fried chicken there?
What?
Church's fried chicken tastes like cat!
Alright,honey,let's take it easy.
**** you!
No!No!What's going on?
Move aside!
It's closed,kid.There's
nothing in there.
No,you can't do this.
The KFC in my town is closed,too!
Yeah.Well,that's because of the vote last
november to ban fast food in low income areas.
You mean I have to drive all
the way to denver to get chicken?
No!You don't get it kid.
Kfcs were only in low income areas.
In the entire state of colorado,kentucky
fried chicken is illegal.
Noooo!
Dad,mom says to stop trying
to give yourself cancer.
Just gonna get a little
bit of cancer,stan.
Tell mom it's okay.
Methadone clinic
Can I help you?
I need -- Somebody
said you could help me.
I have to have -- I haven't
had KFC in almost a week.
Alright,sign your name on the
release form,put down the time.
- Really?
- Your birth year,and we'll get you through the next 24 hours.
What are you serious?
{\A6}**
Oh my god!That's KFC gravy!
You have KFC.Yes!
This is it?
One lousy little cup of gravy?
This is a clinic to help
you get over your addiction.
Who wants just gravy?
It goes on mashed potatoes!
On extra crispy chicken skin!
If you don't want it,that's fine.
No!
Oh god.It's so good.
Frozen and processed foods
appear to have a direct link
To many forms of stomach
and colon cancers.
Alright.
Tests show that preservatives found
in these foods are the leading cause.
However,luckily,most of these cancers are
slow growing and can take years to develop.
Damit.
Testicular cancer.
Most common in older men,and
can be extremely aggressive.
Oh this is good.
There is no data on what causes
testicular cancer to grow so rapidly.
However,the primary causes of
testicular cancer are linked to
Or an exposure to high
doses of radiation.
Oh,hey,stan.Could you grab me a beer?
Stan?
Sharon!Hey,hey,Sharon!
What?
Mr.Marsh,I'm afraid that
the tests came back positive.
You do have testicular cancer.
Score!
Now,the good news is it
hasn't spread anywhere.
We should probably schedule
to have them removed
Yeah,yeah,but for now can I
finally get my prescription please?
Your prescription for what?
Buffalo soldier in the heart of america
{\A6}***
Stolen from africa brought to america
{\A6}***
She was fightin' on arrival
{\A6}***
1 ounce of purple lurple,2 ounces of fishermen's
friend and a half ounce of alabama kush!
Oh,that is nice.
That is nice.
Randy?Jesus,Randy!
- Your balls!
- I know!
Smoking pot right in front of a cop!
Pretty sweet,huh?
No,I mean your actual balls!
Oh yeah.Testicular cancer.
Here you want some?
Oh wait!You're healthy!
Hey bust his ass,officer!
Ha ha.
Hey kid,they say you're
looking for some KFC.
- Yeah,who isn't?
- Yeah.
Well,uh,we got some over
at billy miller's house.
Billy miller?Seriously?
Ahh,eric cartman,right?
Tommy said you have some KFC.
Sure.
Jessie?
Oh my god,colonel's popcorn
chicken and honey mustard sauce!
Oh god yes!
Where did you get that?
I have my sources.
That'll be $85.
85 bucks?
I don't have that!
Hold on,hold on.
You're a big boy,eric.
Maybe you can pay me back another way.
Do a little job for me.
I've got some serious KFC
coming in from a dealer.
I need somebody willing to get
a little risky and pick it up.
How much KFC are we talking?
Two buckets plus a three-Piece
meal and four sides.
Holy,dude.
I've got the money to pay for it,but
it's become a risky business out there.
You get the chicken for me and I'll
make sure you are hooked up for life.
Do you wanna do it?
Do I wanna do it?
Does the pope help pedophiles
Excellent
Alright,see ya tomorrow!
Oh god I gotta hurry!
Caprica starts in five minutes!
Ho,jesus!
Oh,hey,could somebody...
Aw,I gotta get home.
Hey,hey.This can work.
This can -- Hey,it's
like a hoppity hop!
Are you t-Bag?
Maybe I am.Who's askin'?
Cut the crap.
You got the stuff?
Oh,I got the hook-Up.
Question is,you got the money?
Alright.We in biz.
It's all there,man.
Extra crispy,right?
Course,man.I ain't no fool.
You trying to me,dude?
This is cut with boston market gravy!
Aw,it's all the same man.
It is not the same!
Okay,okay!I'm sorry,yo!
You're cuttin' colonel's
gravy with boston market
To try and save yourself some money!
I'll take back the gravy.
Like anybody wants KFC without gravy!
Ahghg!Please!Please,I'm sorry!
Take your money!
The KFC too!
What's going on back there?
Nothin'.It's cool.
Alright,I'll call.
45 to you,ned.
Ah man.
This rainy day woman is the bomb.
You guys don't know what you're missing.
Well,you know,you could share
some of that with us,Randy.
No,nelson,that's illegal.
I can smoke this because I have cancer.
- Aw come on,just give us a little bit!
- Yeah.
Get your own medicinal marijuana cards!
You've all got perfectly
good microwaves at home.
Look,I'm telling you guys it's awesome.
I can have all the pot I want.
I get around faster than walking
and whenever I need a seat,
I can just sit on my balls.
Lemme tell you something else.
Chicks love em.
Women love huge balls?
Love 'em.
Everywhere I go when I walk by,
Chicks are like turning
their heads and going 'whaaa'?
I never knew how much women loved
guys' balls until I got these puppies.
Travis,did you take
out the garba -- Whaaa?
See?
Cartman,my boy!You got the stuff!
Yeah,I got the stuff
and I got the money.
Hey,you're good,eric.
I need people like you.
Good,cuz I ate a bunch of the
chicken on the way over here.
That's alright,eric.
I've got something big in the works.
What if I told you that I now how a direct
line to get all the KFC we want here?
I'm sending tommy to kentucky to try
And set up a little arrangement
with the colonel himself.
Wait a minute.
You mean the colonel?
That's right.
And I'd like you to go as well
and watch tommy's back for me.
Is that something you'd want to do?
Is that something I'd want to do?
{\A6}***
Is the pope catholic?
And making the world
safe for pedophiles?
Excellent.
Doctor,mister kline's
test results came in.
What the hell is going on?
Doctor?
This is the tenth case
I've seen this week.
It can't be a coincidence.
Something in this town is
giving men testicular cancer.
Man,I am stoned off my ass!
I'm stoned off my balls!
Ha ha ha ha.
Anybody got more of
that loompa loompa weed?
Wow,those guys have nice balls.
Wish my man had balls like those,mmmm.
Corbin,kentucky
Our entire production is
headquartered here,boys.
We move over 16 tons
of chicken every month.
Of course,with the new laws in
colorado,my business has taken quite a hit.
I'm worried other
states might follow suit.
We know,colonel.
But we can get your
chicken into the state.
We just need a bulk deal.Say $4.95 a ki?
I've got to hand it to you,colonel.
You have everything I man could want.
I like you,eric.
There is no lying in you.
Unfortunately,I don't feel
the same way about your friend.
Who?You mean tommy?
Wait!Where'd he go?
{\A6}**
Your partner is an
informant for jamie oliver.
Ha ha haaaa!Dude,that was sweet!
He's all choked!
How do I know you're not a liar,too?
Hey,colonel.
I've been your biggest supporter
since I was two years old.
I love your chicken.
I love you.
I think you and me can
work this thing out.
Do business together a long time.
Good.
Just remember,I only tell you one time,
Don't me,eric.
Don't you ever try to me.
Randy!
Randy,will you look at yourself?
Your balls are getting bigger!
I know,they're pretty swollen.
Kinda hurts,I'm gonna
go buy some more weed.
Randy,please!
When you get back,do you think
maybe we could make love again?
Ohh,someone's feeling frisky again,huh?
Oh,it's just that I thought some
more alone time could maybe be really
Hey,my eyes are up here.
- I'm sorry.I just
- It's alright.
I just want you to look at me when
we make love and not just at my balls.
I'll be home soon,babe.
Hey,uh,could you get me half a pound
of that suburban sunrise,please?
I'm sorry,sir,but you have
to be inside the store.
Wul,ugh,I'm right here.Can
you just bring it over
Selling medicinal marijuana outside the
confines of an approved shop is still illegal.
*****
Look,I'm starting to
feel kind of stupid.
Can I please get high?
What,are you crazy,eric?
Making a deal with the
colonel for 10,000 more boxes?
I can't move that much chicken!
Will you relax,billy?It's fine.
Fine!
I'm not making any
money here.I'm losing it!
I have to pay for more security!
I got the cops up my ass!
And I have to pay for all these sorters
to cut the chicken for distribution!
Billy,billy.
We've got to be thinking bigger here.
It's time to expand!
How can I expand when 36% of
our product is going to you?
Get out there and sell
the chicken,or get lost!
You've forgotten who the boss
of this operation is,eric!
Yeah,well.
You're not going to
be around a lot longer.
What is that supposed to mean?
I told your mom you got an f
on that social studies test.
You wouldn't do that.
Does a bear crap in the woods?
And does the pope crap on the broken
lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?
Billy!Your father and
I want to talk to you!
Bye bye,billy.
Alright everyone listen up!
I'm in charge now.
Anybody got a problem with that?
Alright.Good.
- What do we want?
- Bigger doors!
- Where do we want em?
- Weed stores!
- What do we want?
- Bigger doors!
- Where do we want 'em?
- Weed stores!
Look,I'm sorry,but the bill says I
can't modify any existing structure!
Well,I guess we could change the
law to allow for medicinal marijuana
To be sold just outside
the door of the shop.
I don't know.
Maybe the rule should be somebody
can buy the medicinal weed for others.
Look,can't we skip all this
and just make pot legal?
Everyone is just abusing this
medicinal system anyway.It's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous about it?
Hold on!Hold on people,please!
We are all forgetting what
is really at issue here!
Look around!
These men all have cancer.
It's no coincidence that when this
building changed,the rise in cancer went up.
Don't you see?
The KFC was keeping people healthy!
Mr.Cartman,come on.
We're supposed to be
handling the business.
You're eating too much of the stuff.
Shut up,kevin.I'm the
boss not you,buttlicker.
Eric!The colonel is
on the phone for you.
He sounds pissed.
What?Oh,that's right.I
forgot the -- Dammit!
Okay.
Put him on speaker.
Hello?
Hello?
Colonel,how're you doing?
What happened?
Ohh,we had some
problems,you know.Colonel?
Eric,what happened?
We had a little problem.
I heard.
Yeah,how'd you hear that?
Because jamie oliver gave
his speech at the u.N.Today.
He was not supposed to
give that speech,eric.
Yeah,it's okay.We'll get him next time.
There wont be a next time,
you *** cocksucker!
Hey, take it easy, colonel!
I told you a long time ago, you
fucking little monkey, not to fuck with me.
Hey! Hey, who the fuck you think
you're talking to?
Oh crap.
It's the cops!
Run, jimmy, run!
Mommy! Nooo!
Last november this town passed
a bill that seemed silly to some.
Since then we've had underground black
markets,crime,death and shootings.
But now the bill has been repealed,
And I am relieved to announce that
once again marijuana is illegal!
And an other bill has
been repealed as well.
Cause ever since we got rid of
KFC,we've seen a great rise in cancer.
But today we welcome back KFC,
And all the medical
benefits it gives us!
Well,I got to admit,it's a lot easier to
get in doors with my little prosthetic balls.
Yeah,great.
Oh Sharon,don't be upset.
The doctor made you a souvenir.
Oh Randy,I love it!
And when it gets cold it shrinks.
Sharon,you got a scrotum coat?
Yup!
Lucky.

S14E02 The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs

Okay, kids.
Let's take our seats.
There has been a change
in school policy and so
I am assigning you
all a book to read.
Aw, a book?
God, i hate those.
Now kids, this book
is very controversial
And has just been taken
off the banned books list.
Oh really? Sweet!
It's called "catcher in the rye,"
And it has some very risque parts.
Alright!
And strong, vulgar language.
Awesome, dude!
And in fact, many schools across
the country still ban this book
Because it's thought
to be so inappropriate.
Oh man, i can't wait!
Tonight i want you to read
chapters one through five,
And tomorrow we will discuss the --
No, come on, let's read it now!
Mr. Garrison, didn't the
guy who shot john lennon
Say it was because of this book?
Yes, apparently john
lennon's killer said
He was inspired by "
catcher in the rye."
But he was just a kook.
Woa, you're telling us this
book is filthy, inappropriate
And made a guy shoot
the king of hippies?
Can we please read this right now?
You will read it at home
And you will all be mature about
its adult themes and language.
Did you get to any dirty parts yet?
No. It's still just some
whiny annoying teenager
Talking about how lame he is.
I don't get it, dude.
What's so controversial about this?
All he's done is said
shit and fuck a few times.
I know.
I'm almost at the end
and there's nothing.
Mother fucker!
The whole thing.
I read the whole fucking thing!
I kept thinking, alright,
I guess the cool offensive
stuff must be coming,
And then after like a
hundred pages i was like,
Alright, i guess all the
dirty stuff is at the end.
And then i got to the last page.
And i was all, the fucking is this?
I just read a book!
For nothing!
Why the hell was this book banned?
They fucking tricked us,
That's what they did!
Tricked us into reading a book by
Enticing us with
promises of vulgarity.
Dude, what the fuck is so dirty
about this piece of shit?
We know, we were just saying that!
Why would anybody think this
book is obscene or dangerous?
Kill john lennon!
Kill john lennon!
Kill john lennon!
Kill john lennon!
Hey dad, where does
john lennon live?
John lennon's dead, Butters.
Aw, dangit.
Dude, some people really
do consider this obscene!
It's not obscene, dude.
I'll show them fucking obscene.
Hey yeah, we should write
our own banned book.
Yeah, we could get a book
banned way more than this one.
Yeah, sweet! Awesome!
The tale of...
The tale of scrotie mcdicknass.
No, no, scrotie mcbooger balls.
Oh that's good, that's good!
Alright, chapter... one...
It was a -
A warm spring morning --
The tale of scrotie mcbooger-Balls?
It was a warm summer morning
When scrotie mcboogerballs
awoke to find his -- Ew!
He took a what?
Oh my god!
He then grabbed his dog's .
Oh, my god!
Walking out of his house he spotted
a bloody and pus covered --
No!
No!
No... no!
Randy?
Randy!
Randy, you need to read this!
Read what?
This book!
Our son and his friends wrote it!
So?
So?
Randy, it's -- It's --
It's really good. - Huh?
I mean, it's disgusting.
It's the most disgusting
thing i've ever read,
But the plot is amazing!
And the characters are so vivid.
It was a warm summer morning
When scrotie mcboogerballs
awoke to find his -- Ew!
Sharon, gross!
No, no, just keep reading!
He took a -- Oh, oh, man!
This -- This is --
I know!
I know, randy, but trust me,
You gotta push through to the end.
No, no!That's just wrong!
Randy, please!
You've got to listen to me!
Walking out of the house he
found a bloody pus filled --
What?
Which he immediately
stuck up his infected --
"That was all long ago in
some brief lost spring,
In a place that is no more.
In that hour that vag frogs begin
And the scent off scrotie's
infected anus comes strongest."
Oh, man.
Well?
It's -- It's awesome, sharon.
It's the best book i've ever read.
Right?It's not just me!
No, it's -- I mean,
the whole part about amsterdam, wow.
What do we do, randy?
We can't support our son
talking like this, but i mean--
No, i know -- People need
to read this book, sharon.
This is -- This is
pulitzer prize stuff.
You're dead, Kenny!
Guys, guys!
We are totally fuck!
The book is gone from
my dresser drawer!
My parents must have found it!
What?
So we are we all fuck?
They'll think you wrote it all.
I'm not taking the
heat for this alone!
We all did it.
If i'm going down somebody
has to go down with me!
Well, if i'm going down
Cartman's going down!
And if i'm going down both kyle and
Kenny are definitely going down.
Wul, dude!Somebody
has got to go down!
Butters, what are you up to?
Oh, hey, fellas!
I'm just watching the kardashians!
Today, my sisters and i are
going to have to wash something.
It's gonna blow!
Kim kardashian is soo sexy.
Her butt is like a big
mountain of pudding.
Butters, listen,
you are in big trouble.
I am?
Yeah, you remember
that book you wrote.
Stan's mom found it.
Oh no!
Which book was that?!
Dude!
The book you left with us when
you were sleepwalking last night!
I don't even remember that!
But it all makes sense now.
Ever since i read
"catcher in the rye"
I've been having these blackouts,
Crazy thoughts of wanting
to kill the phonies!
I must have channeled all my angst
into dark writings in my sleep!
Alright, boys.
We need to get to
the bottom of this.
We've all read the book now,
And it is very shocking
to say the least.
Okay.Well, actually,
it was all written by Butters.
That's right.
Butters?
Is that true?
Yeah, i barely even remember it.
But i know i did --
Well, Butters, we think
That this is one of the of the
best books we've ever read!
Huh? What?
Yeah, really amazing.
Oh thanks!
We were actually so moved
by your book, Butters,
That we brought mr. Niedilbaum
from penguin publishing to read it.
Mr. Butters, we would
like to offer you a deal
For first publishing rights
to your brilliant novel.
Hey, wait a minute. That's ours!
Yeah, we wrote that!
Okay. Boys, you already
told the truth.
No, no!
We really did write it.
Tell them, Butters.
I wrote that.
Oh, wow! He's so
young young! Amazing!
What? Hey?
It is being called the most disgusting,
foul and sickening book ever written,
And it is also being
called literary genius.
"The tale of scrotie mcboogerballs"
hit the shelves this weekend,
And so far no one
Has been able to get through the
first paragraph without vomiting.
The book has already sold
millions of copies worldwide,
And has been translated
into 26 languages.
Per lang shur ma.
Poang shing scrotie
mcboogerballs bao lang shur.
Bo nag shing chur mar pur -
Ch-Chur mar purrrrr ahghghgh!
Bo ya sun ma chur lang?
Pur lang sarah jessica
parker pur tsoy.
The book is changing
the literary world
And it is all thanks to
leopold Butters stotch.
Hey, here he comes!
Amazing book Butters!
Thank you!
You changed my life, young man.
That's nice!
Butters, what the fuck do
you think you're doing?
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Butters, you know god damn well
you didn't write that book!
But you told me i did!
Yeah, but that was when we thought we
were gonna get in trouble, asshole!
Hey, hey you guys
leave Butters alone
He's a very fragile artist.
He's so brooding and full of angst.
Yeah, i'm brooding.
Butters doesn't deserve any
credit for scrotie mcboogerballs!
We deserve all the credit!
Oh god, you guys are pathetic.
Yeah, get a life and stop momooching
off of others' succe for once.
God dammit!
Butters, do you really think
it's fair to lie like this?
Let me tell you
that if you don't --
No, let me tell you
something, fellas!
You always take advantage of me,
And after reading
"catcher in the rye,"
I've learned you're
nothin' but phonies!
I'm not letting you
trick me this time!
So the four of you can
just suck on my wiener!
That inconsiderate jerk!
Today on "today"
We meet the author of the
book that has swept the nation
And has now spawned tvs
most popular game show!
How long can you listen to scrotie
mcboogerballs on audiobook and not vomit?
The book is full of
disgusting words and acts,
Including sarah jessica parker,
Who is mentioned 465 times.
Matthew brodErick, are you upset your
wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Well, obviously i
just think it's wrong
To make fun of anybody's
physical appearance.
My wife is a beautiful woman,
And i know that most
people agree with me.
Uh-Huh, and matthew,
How come a transvestite donkey
witch is standing next to you,
And why is it wearing a dress?
Joining us now is the author
of the book, leopold stotch,
Along with his parents.
Hello matt!
Hi everyone!
You must be pretty
proud of your son.
Oh, we certainly are!
We are thrilled to learn
he is so very talented.
And we also understand that your
son is grounded; is that correct?
Yes, we did have to ground him for
the langge in the novel, of course.
I have to come right to
my room after school.
But we are very,
very proud nonetheless.
Young man, now that
you're a respected author,
Have you met any famous people?
Not yet, but as soon as
i'm not grounded anymore,
I'm hoping to meet kim kardashian!
I wanna jump on her belly.
Alright.
Uh, Butters, my favorite
part of your novel
Was when scrotie mcboogerballs slid
his head up into the horse's --
Sorry.
Was that chapter a slam on health
care reform as people have suggested?
Uh, yeah, pretty much.
I think so.
Is that why the doctor character
pulls out all the stringy --
Little boy, are you ever worried
Somebody might take your book
wrong and try to kill someone
Like when the guy tried
to shoot ronald reagan
After reading "catcher in the rye?"
Oh, is that who the book
was telling me to kill?
Kill ronald reagan,
kill ronald reagan!
Ronald reagan is dead now, Butters.
Oh really?
Gosh dangit.
More and more of us are
against this book every day.
The author is cruel and offensive.
And for these reasons,
We demand this book be banned from
all schools, stores and libraries.
This book is nothing,
but smut and vulgari
Purely for the sake
of smut and vulgarity!
That's just because you're too young
to understand the underlying themes.
There are no underlying themes!
We know that for a fact!
You just failed to understand
what the author meant.
The author meant to be as gross
as possible because it was funny!
Oh no, no, no.
That is such a simplistic view.
God dammit, there is no
deeper meaning in this book.
Read it again!
So you're suggesting that
the author just arbitrarily
Made fun of sarah jessica
parker for no reason.
Yes!
But what would be the point?
There's is no point.
It's just because sarah jessica
parker is fucking ugly!
No writer would take the time to
make fun of sarah jessica parker
Just because they think she's ugly.
Yes, they would!
It is because miss jessica
parker is a metaphor in the book
For oppression felt
by the lower class.
What?
Dude, that is not
in the book at all!
Boys, this book is
an important look
At how liberals are
hurting this country,
And we can't -- What?
Scrotie mcboogerballs is the most
conservative-Hating liberal in literature!
What book did you read?
There's nothing about
liberals or conservatives!
Oh, yeah.
Then why does sarah jessica parker's butt
cheese end up in scrotie's milkshake?
Breaking news from acclaimed
author leopold stotch!
The artist has announced that
he is working on a second novel,
As a follow up to his wildly
successful best seller.
We got a statement from the writer,
Who is still grounded in his room.
Can you give the public any
idea what the new book is about?
Well, it's kind of about
love and betrayal.
The inner workings
of the human mind.
Will it be as sick and
disgusting as your first book.
Oh it's raunchy alright!
I know what my readers want
And i'm going to deliver!
Butters, away from the window!
You are being grounded!
Sorry, dad, i was just bein'
the voice of a generation.
I can't believe they
won't ban our book!
I know!
It's so much worse than
catcher in the retarded rye!
It's .
Alright, you guys,
i know what we have to do.
We've got to kill
sarah jessica parker.
What?
Think about it, guys!
If somebody kills
sarah jessica parker,
Then they'll assume
that somebody did it
Because of what was in the book.
Then the book will get banned.
Dude, we're not killing
sarah jessica parker!
Be right with you!
We don't have to kill her.
We can just help her get killed.
Shut up, Cartman!
Just face it.
We lost this one!
Kenny, we only have
to help her get killed
And then we can totally
get back at Butters.
Okay.
Mrs. Jessica parker!
Over here.
Well, the day has finally arrived,
The eagerly-Awaited second novel from
the author of scrotie mcboogerballs
Hit the shelves this morning,
And apparently
bookstores are jammed!
Al, how is it out there?
I don't know if you
can see this guys,
But the line stretches all
the way around the block.
People waiting for their turn to get
inside the book store and read the novel.
They've brought trash bags
and buckets to throw up in,
Just a festive atmosphere here,
matt and meredith.
Well, we've got our
vomit buckets ready too,
Because coming up,
a very special in studio treat.
That's right, we are
going to have a reading
Of the first five chapters of the
book here live in our studio!
Now, we must warn you that
this is from the same author
Who wrote the most graphic,
obscene novel of all time,
So brace yourselves for
some very harsh language.
Take it away morgan freeman!
The poop that took a pee.
Chapter one.
Douglas had to poop.
His butt was all stinky because
he had to poop so badly.
There was a gross
woman named rebecca
Who was sunbathing all
naked and she was fat.
Douglas walked up to her and said,
i need to poop.
Okay, rebecca replied.
I like poop.
Douglas squatted down over
the fat sunbathing lady
And went poop.
The poop, sat there
on rebecca's boobs,
Looking like a wiener.
Chapter two.
[
See any hunters yet?
Not yet.
Doing good mrs. Jessica parker,
Just hang out right there.
Guys!Stop!
Stop!
We don't have to do this!
Huh?
Butters wrote a second book!
So what?
So dude, if Butters
wrote a second book
Then everyone's gonna know he
couldn't have written the first one!
We can get people
to believe us now.
Oh, dude sweet!
Why are we here, douglas cried,
As poop came out his wiener
in a long, thin strip.
It was wiener poop.
Which is the grossest poop of all.
The pee pee got on the
woman's leg and she screamed,
Pooping out her boobs.
And so, when the pee got mixed with
the poop it smelled like a butt.
Oh dude, this is even
lamer than we thought!
People are gonna want
Butters' head on a platter!
Are you reading this, marcia?
What do you think?
So far i think it's incredible.
It might be better
than his first book.
I agree it wasn't as edgy,
But it's like he's
gone back to his roots.
What?
You can't be serious!
You people like this?
Some of the imagery
is unbelievable.
A woman pooping out her
boobs is not good imagery!
Says you.You must be
a pro life nut, huh?
Didn't like what the
book had to say?
What are you talking about,
This book is as pro
life as it gets.
Oh, come on!
God dammit, will you people stop
reading into stuff that isn't there?!
And the poop and the pee
lived happily ever after.
The end.
Kill the phonies!
Kill the phonies!
Today my sisters and i are
going to shop for underwear!
Can i go with you girls?
Our nation is still reeling from the
tragic deaths of the kardashians.
The shooter claims he was
driven to commit the slaughter
Immediately after reading "the poop that
took a pee" by leopold Butters stotch.
It's all over.
The kardashians wiped out
in the blink of an eye.
All because one little prick
Had to go and write a book,
leopold stotch.
I hope they bury you,
You evil fucker!
Dude, people are pissed
off at you, Butters.
I know.
They're saying they're gonna ban
both your books now,completely!
You're not making any more money!
You think i care about that?
My writing got the most beautiful
woman in the world killed!
I loved her!
And now she's gone and
it's because of me!!
Aw, Butters, it'll be alright.
Look, we've all learned that
people look for meaning in books.
And sometimes even
if it isn't there,
They'll try and invent
their own meaning.
Yeah, dude.
That's why we all need to avoid
books and stick to television.
Thanks, fellas.
I'll definitely never write again.
I think i can get over this.
That's good, Butters,
because we need to tell you something.
What?
You were sleepwalking again.
And dress sarah jessica
parker up in a moo suit.
You left her in a forest,
And she got shot by a hunter!
What? Oh, no.
Yeah, sorry. You're gonna have to
gome down and admit that was you.
Oh, i got her killed too?
Oh, well. At least she was ugly.