1 Ocak 2012 Pazar

South Park S09E12 Trapped in the Closet


Episode 9x12
"Trapped In The Closet"
Oh dude, check it out.
I got a Jake Plummer.
Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again!
How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?
I can't spend any money.
I'm saving up for that bike I want.
HA! Saving money, duhhh!
So what should we do now? It's Saturday,
we have to have as much fun as possible.
Hey, I know!
Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.
No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys.
Let's just do something fun that's free.
Stan, don't you know
the first law of physics?
Anything that's fun costs
at least eight dollars.
Yeah dude, nothing fun is free.
Well I can't spend any money.
Okay, be a Jew.
We're gonna go play laser tag.
Yeah. See ya.
Hello, would you like to
take a personality test?
It's fun and it's free.
Excuse me?
We're doing free personality tests today.
Uh what do I have to do?
Have you heard of Scientology?
It's all based on the book, Dianetics.
A lot of really cool people are Scientologists,
like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
Pourquoi tu n'entres pas?
On pourrait commencer ton test de personnalité.
Why don't you come on in
and we'll get your fun free
personality test started.
Hey Brian.
Hey Kelly. How's it going?
Great! I want you to
meet my new friend, Stan.
Hey there! How are you?
Fine.
Brian's gonna give you
your personality test
and then let you know some
things about Scientology.
Good times, good times!
L-look, is this a religion?
Because my family is like,
Catholic or something.
Ho, that's not a problem at all.
Scientology is more like an alternative
to psychology than a religion.
Then how come that sign says
"Church of Scientology"?
Oho, that's just this thing:
What's the Denver Broncos' record now?
Six and two?
Seven and two.
Wow! That's great! All right, come on in
and take a seat, we're gonna have some fun!
All right now, I'm just gonna
ask you a few questions.
Just answer these questions as
truthfully as you can, alright?
Okay. Number 1:
Do you ever make remarks...
which you later regret?
Uhhh, sh-sure?
Uh huh. Would you rather give
orders... than take them?
Yeah?
Do you ever whistle...
just for the fun of it.
Ohhhkay, and finally, does life sometimes
feel vague and confusing to you?
Yes.
Okay, Stan. Well, that's it.
That's the end of the personality test.
So how did I do?
Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan
but... you are one messed-up kid.
Huh?
Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely
miserable and totally depressed.
I am? I didn't know that!
Well there's certainly no question that
you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.
I think it can really
make you happy again.
What what do I do?
It's very simple. We just need
two hundred and forty dollars.
Stanley, you haven't touched your
food. What's the matter with you?
I'm totally depressed.
What? Why?
I don't know.
Well how long have you
been feeling this way?
I'm not sure. But...
I need two hundred and forty dollars.
Two hundred and forty dollars?!
What'd you do, break something?!
No, I found a self-help
program that can cure me.
Ohhh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley.
But I'm completely miserable
and these people can help!
Stanley, I didn't know
you were miserable.
Neither did I!
Stanley, do you have any
concept of money at all?
Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?
Don't you care that I'm depressed?!
What if I become suicidal, or, or
become an alcoholic like Grandpa?
Well, if you really think
your life is so bad, Stan
why don't you take what you
have out of your bicycle savings?!
Well but... but that's my money.
Yeah, well just like the rest of us,
you have to make choices with your money.
Do you want a bike, or do
you not want to be depressed?
Michelle, our friend Stan
wants to have auditing.
Oho good, you're going to be so happy.
I hope so.
It's the beginning of a whole new
life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards.
Great, so do you have the
two hundred and forty dollars?
Perfect! We're on our way!
Come on over here and I'll fill you
in on how the Church of
Scientology works.
You see, Stan, scientology was founded
by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.
Mr. Hubbard discovered
that negative emotions
are actually caused by
things called "body thetans."
Really?
Yes! And being the genius
that he was, Mr. Hubbard
invented a way to get
rid of those bad thetans.
This is called an E-meter.
It's the main tool of Scientology.
You just grab a hold of
these handles as
I talk you through past
experiences in your life.
I'll be taking readings here
and we'll be able to determine
your thetan levels.
Thetan levels.
Come on in the auditing room
and I'll show you how it works.
All these people are just like you,
Stan, auditing with E-meters
to get rid of their negative emotions.
All right, Stan,
I want you to just relax
and take hold of the E-meter handles.
So, this is gonna make me happy?
Just take a few deep breaths
and I'll just get a base
reading of your thetan levels.
Hnh, that's, that's strange.
What?
Somethin...
something's wrong.
Brian, could you come
over here a second?
Yep. Oh hey there, Greg!
Stan.
Will you... look at his thetan levels?
Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter
this one's obviously broken.
Sorry about this, Greg.
And so we just try to
analyze your personality
and if it seems like
you need some help
then you can have an audit
counseling for a nominal fee.
Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.
Mike, I need to talk to you!
Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back.
Are you all right? You're sweating!
Take a look at this.
What is it?
The E-meter results from
the little boy in Room D.
This... this can't be right.
We ran the tests four times!
We used four different E-meters!
Fax these results to the
head office in Los Angeles.
The president has to see thus right away.
Go! Now!
The boy is from a small
mountain town in Colorado, sir.
Sir, how can it be that a first timer
scores that kind of thetan level?
He registered OT9!
I'm only OT7 and I've been
in the church all my life!
I've waited...
forty-two years... for this day.
Sir?
Don't you all see what this means?
There was only one person
who EVER registered
OT9 in the history of our church.
L. Ron Hubbard said he
had lived past lives.
That when he died his thetan
would show itself again.
Our prophet has returned.
Uh, Stanley, take the garbage
out before you go to bed.
I took out the garbage yesterday.
Right now, Stan!
Stupid dumb garbage!
There he is!
Thank you for returning!
He's wonderful.
He's wonderful.
Stan! What the hell did you do?!
I don't know!
Hello young man.
I'm the head of Scientology.
It is... a great honor to meet you!
All right, what the hell
is going on here?!
We've been looking for your
son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
He is the reincarnation of our
church's most famous prophet.
What?
Scientologists the world over are
simply rejoicing at his second coming.
Look, we don't want our son
to join your group, okay?
We're not asking him to join us
we're asking him... to lead us.
Oh my God, it's John Travolta!
Is this where he lives? Is this
where L. Ron Hubbart is? Oh my God!
Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise
are big Scientologists.
Do you believe me now?
Young man, I know you
don't remember it
but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard.
You revealed the secret that began
the whole Church of Scientology.
Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to
your room and get ready for bed!
Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
Jesus Christ...
L. Ron?  L. Ron!
It really is you!
Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!
Aw dude, I need to go to bed.
Don't you understand, L. Ron?
It's me! Tom Cruise!
Yeah, I know who you are.
Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron?
Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
Which film did you like best?
Well-h. I mean, you're not like
as good as Leonardo di Caprio,
but you're okay, I guess.
What?
I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
or that guy who played Napoleon
Dynamite, but you're okay.
] I'm nothing.
I'm a failure in the eyes
of the Prophet! Aaah!
Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Go away!
Dude, this is my rooom!
Go away, I said!
Dad! Tom Cruise won't
come out of the closet!
What?!
Tom Cruise locked himself in
my closet and he won't come out.
Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise,
come out of the closet.
No!
Come on, Mr. Crusie, this is ridiculous.
I'm never coming out!
What did you say to him?
I just told him I thought the
Napoleon Dynamite guy is
a better actor than he is.
Oh boy.
Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay
in the closet, alright?
You need to come out.
What's going on?
Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
What?
Just leave me alone!
Well, we CAN'T leave you alone
because YOU won't come out of the closet!
It's been four hours now
and Tom Cruise still will
not come out of the closet.
Hundreds of onlookers
here have gathered here in
hopes that the celebrity
will finally give in.
Tom Cruise, this is Park County police!
Please come out of the closet.
Everybody here just wants you
to come out of the closet, Tom.
Nobody's gonna be mad,
everything's gonna be all right.
Just come out of the closet.
We're still not exactly sure
why Tom Cruise is in the closet
but I'm being joined now by
famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
<i>Well I was just standing here
<i>and Tom Cruise locked
himself in the closet.
<i>I asked myself why won't Tom
Cruise just come out the closet?
<i>Nobody has no answers
<i>and so I pull out my gun!
<i>Tell my why Tom Cruise in the closet
<i>or else I'm gonna shoot someone!
Please, understand we just want
what is best for your son.
The reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard must be taken care of.
He had many enemies.
Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard
a science-fiction writer?
Yes. But he was also a prophet...
who knew the secret truth
about the nature of life.
This is just too much.
We want to reveal to Stan the great
secret of life behind our church.
The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine.
Please, your son deserves to be enlightened.
Stan, do you want to hear
the great secret
doctrine of life behind Scientology?
Sure.
All right, go ahead and tell him.
Would you excuse us, please?
This is highly-classified
church information.
Aw rats.
Usually, to hear the secret doctrine
you have to be in the church
for several years, Stan.
Are you ready to hear the truth?
I guess.
You see, Stan, there is a reason
for people feeling sad and depressed.
An alien reason.
It all began 75 million years ago.
Back then there was a galactinc
federation of planets
which was ruled over
by the evil Lord Xenu.
Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated
and so he rounded up countless aliens
from all different planets
and then had those aliens frozen.
<i>Les Scientologues croient
vraiment à ça.
The frozen alien bodies were loaded
onto Xenu's galactic cruisers
which looked like DC-8s,
except with rocket engines.
The cruisers then took the frozen
alien bodies to our planet
to Earth
and dumped them into
the volcanoes of Hawaii.
The aliens were no longer frozen,
they were dead.
The souls of those aliens,
however, lived on
and all floated up towards the sky.
But the evil Lord Xenu
had prepared for this.
Xenu didn't want their souls to return!
And so he built giant
soul-catchers in the sky!
The souls were taken to a huge
soul brain-washing facility
which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth.
There the souls were forced to watch
days of brainwashing material
whiched tricked them into
believing a false reality.
Xenu then released the alien souls
which roamed the earth aimlessly
in a fog of confusion.
At the dawn of man
the souls finally found bodies
which they can grab onto.
They attached themselves to all mankind
which still to this day
causes all our fears
our confusions and our problems.
L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing
telling the world this
incredible truth.
Now all we're asking you to do...
is pick up where he left off.
But I don't know any of this stuff.
Neither did L. Ron when he started.
He said he just closed his eyes
and wrote down whatever came to mind.
You can do the same.
Just let it flow.
Okay, I'll try.
I just wish I could write in my room
but Tom Cruise won't
come out of the closet.
I know. We've send Nicole Kidman
up there to see if she can help.
Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.
Ah hi Nicole.
Tom, don't you think this
has gone on long enough?
It's time for you to come
out of the closet.
I'm not, I'm not in the closet.
Yes you are, Tom.
And you need to just end
this and come out.
I'm not gonna think any
differently of you.
Kate's not gonna think
any differently of you.
You don't need to be in
that closet anymore, Tom.
I'm not in here, though.
Yes, you are.
I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.
Then how am I talking to you, Tom?
Tom, you can't hide
forever just because
the reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard doesn't like your acting.
Come out of the closet, Tom.
You're not fooling anyone.
I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.
Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies.
I can't. I'm writing a new
sacred doctrine for my church.
Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned
about this cult that you're getting into.
Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle.
I've read all this stuff
and it's based on fact.
Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was
a science-fiction writer.
He lived on a boat with only young boys
and got busted by the
feds numerous times.
I did not!
Those are rumors put out by people
who are afraid because they
don't know the secret truth.
What secret truth?
I can't tell you unless you pay
for a few years of audit counseling!
All I know is that I was depressed before
and now I found meaning!
I didn't know you were depressed.
Neither did I!
But now, if you guys can't accept
this great thing I belong to
then I suppose we're
no longer friends!
Stan, I just want you to know
that I still hate Kyle more than you.
Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta.
Oh hey John.
Tom, you've gotta come out
of the closet. Oh my Gahd.
L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think
I'm a great actor.
Mm-maybe you took what
he said out of context.
Okay, 's like, if you don't come out
can I at least come in and talk to you?
Oh... Okay, but no tricks.
No tricks.
Hey, it's really nice n here.
Yeah, see?
I feel really safe.
Oh my Gahd.
Hello? Hey, come out of there!
Tom, it now appears that John Travolta
is also in the closet
and he refuses to come out.
Here with more details
once again, is R. Kelly.
<i>I was just standing here.
<i>Tom Cruise locked himself
in the closet.
<i>Then John Travolta come
<i>and now, John Travolta
in the closet too.
<i>Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta
come out the closet!
<i>But then I calm myself down
and I pull out my gun!
Oh geez, here we go with the gun again.
<i>If Tom Cruise and John Travolta
don't come out the closet
<i>I'm gonna cap this biiitch!
Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan!
I wrote that um, our followers
shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore
because they're too much
like Xenu's evil cruisers.
Yes, of course! So wonderful!
And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu
was recently broken
out of galactic jail.
Yes, of course!
And best of all, I wrote that
all the Scientologists
should no longer have to
pay money to belong.
What?
I realize that to really be a church
we can't charge people for help.
What are you, stupid?!
Then how do we make money
from those people?!
Well, it's not about the money,
it's about the message, right?
Waait a minute, whoa, whoa!
You don't actually believe
this crap, do you?
Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?
E-meters and thetan levels?
Those people out there buy that crap
and I thought YOU were smart enough
to see what was really going on!
But you said that there were...
What's better than telling
people a stupid story
and having them believe you?!
Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
But then, why me?
Why do you need me to write
something so badly?
Because if those people all think you're
the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
then they'll all buy your new writings
and you and I together will
make three million dollars!
Three milliion dollars?
That's how the scam works!
But this is a scam on a global scale!
Do you fucking get me now?!
Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
Then keep writing, L. Ron!
Your people are waiting.
Breaking news here in South Park.
Tom Cruise and John Travolta still...
will not come out of the closet.
Park County police have
decided to try a new method.
<i>I've been asked to come up here
<i>get you both out of the closet.
<i>Man, this is some crazy shit.
<i>Why won't you both just come out
the closet? And they said...
<i>We're not comin' out the closet
<i>so you can just go away.
<i>But everyone wants you
out the closet.
<i>That doesn't matter '
cause we're gonna stay.
<i>Now I'm startin' to get angry
<i>so I pull out my gun!
<i>I'm gonna give you a count of
three to open this closet door.
<i>1. I'm gonna shoot you both.
<i>2. I'm gonna cap some bitch.
<i>3...
<i>Now I'm in the closet.
<i>Now I'm in the closet too.
My fellow Scientologists!
Our prophet has finished his new doctrine
and will now read some
passages before making
it available to you all
for a nominal fee.
I give you...
the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!
Uh, thanks.
So, first of all, I've written
that the brainwashed alien ghosts
are actually from a
galaxy called Nubanon.
Ohhhh.
And uh, oh, I... I can't do this.
Huh, what?
Look, everybody, we're all
looking for answer, you know.
We all want to understand who
we are and where we come from
but... sometimes we want to know
the answers so badly that we...
believe just about anything.
- Huh?
- What?
I'm not the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard.
And... Scientology is just
a big fat global scam.
Oh! We are gonna sue you!
What?
Yeah, you think you can say
our religion is a lie?!
We'll sue you, buddy!
YOU told me it was a lie!
Ho, now you're puttin'
words in MY mouth!
You are sooo sued!
You can't make fun of Scientology, kid!
We are gonna sue your ass
and your balls!
Yeah, that's right!
How dare you mock our faith,
you little punk?!
You'll be hearing from
our lawyers tomorrow!
We've just had an incredible
development here, Mitch.
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly
have all come out of the closet!
So you're NOT the prophet, huh?!
You made me look stupid!
I'm gonna sue you too!
Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!
I will! I'll sue you in England!
You are so sued, kid!
Well go on, then! Sue me!
We're going to!
Okay, good! Do it!
I'm not scared of you!
Sue me!

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