S14E02 The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs

Okay, kids.
Let's take our seats.
There has been a change
in school policy and so
I am assigning you
all a book to read.
Aw, a book?
God, i hate those.
Now kids, this book
is very controversial
And has just been taken
off the banned books list.
Oh really? Sweet!
It's called "catcher in the rye,"
And it has some very risque parts.
Alright!
And strong, vulgar language.
Awesome, dude!
And in fact, many schools across
the country still ban this book
Because it's thought
to be so inappropriate.
Oh man, i can't wait!
Tonight i want you to read
chapters one through five,
And tomorrow we will discuss the --
No, come on, let's read it now!
Mr. Garrison, didn't the
guy who shot john lennon
Say it was because of this book?
Yes, apparently john
lennon's killer said
He was inspired by "
catcher in the rye."
But he was just a kook.
Woa, you're telling us this
book is filthy, inappropriate
And made a guy shoot
the king of hippies?
Can we please read this right now?
You will read it at home
And you will all be mature about
its adult themes and language.
Did you get to any dirty parts yet?
No. It's still just some
whiny annoying teenager
Talking about how lame he is.
I don't get it, dude.
What's so controversial about this?
All he's done is said
shit and fuck a few times.
I know.
I'm almost at the end
and there's nothing.
Mother fucker!
The whole thing.
I read the whole fucking thing!
I kept thinking, alright,
I guess the cool offensive
stuff must be coming,
And then after like a
hundred pages i was like,
Alright, i guess all the
dirty stuff is at the end.
And then i got to the last page.
And i was all, the fucking is this?
I just read a book!
For nothing!
Why the hell was this book banned?
They fucking tricked us,
That's what they did!
Tricked us into reading a book by
Enticing us with
promises of vulgarity.
Dude, what the fuck is so dirty
about this piece of shit?
We know, we were just saying that!
Why would anybody think this
book is obscene or dangerous?
Kill john lennon!
Kill john lennon!
Kill john lennon!
Kill john lennon!
Hey dad, where does
john lennon live?
John lennon's dead, Butters.
Aw, dangit.
Dude, some people really
do consider this obscene!
It's not obscene, dude.
I'll show them fucking obscene.
Hey yeah, we should write
our own banned book.
Yeah, we could get a book
banned way more than this one.
Yeah, sweet! Awesome!
The tale of...
The tale of scrotie mcdicknass.
No, no, scrotie mcbooger balls.
Oh that's good, that's good!
Alright, chapter... one...
It was a -
A warm spring morning --
The tale of scrotie mcbooger-Balls?
It was a warm summer morning
When scrotie mcboogerballs
awoke to find his -- Ew!
He took a what?
Oh my god!
He then grabbed his dog's .
Oh, my god!
Walking out of his house he spotted
a bloody and pus covered --
No!
No!
No... no!
Randy?
Randy!
Randy, you need to read this!
Read what?
This book!
Our son and his friends wrote it!
So?
So?
Randy, it's -- It's --
It's really good. - Huh?
I mean, it's disgusting.
It's the most disgusting
thing i've ever read,
But the plot is amazing!
And the characters are so vivid.
It was a warm summer morning
When scrotie mcboogerballs
awoke to find his -- Ew!
Sharon, gross!
No, no, just keep reading!
He took a -- Oh, oh, man!
This -- This is --
I know!
I know, randy, but trust me,
You gotta push through to the end.
No, no!That's just wrong!
Randy, please!
You've got to listen to me!
Walking out of the house he
found a bloody pus filled --
What?
Which he immediately
stuck up his infected --
"That was all long ago in
some brief lost spring,
In a place that is no more.
In that hour that vag frogs begin
And the scent off scrotie's
infected anus comes strongest."
Oh, man.
Well?
It's -- It's awesome, sharon.
It's the best book i've ever read.
Right?It's not just me!
No, it's -- I mean,
the whole part about amsterdam, wow.
What do we do, randy?
We can't support our son
talking like this, but i mean--
No, i know -- People need
to read this book, sharon.
This is -- This is
pulitzer prize stuff.
You're dead, Kenny!
Guys, guys!
We are totally fuck!
The book is gone from
my dresser drawer!
My parents must have found it!
What?
So we are we all fuck?
They'll think you wrote it all.
I'm not taking the
heat for this alone!
We all did it.
If i'm going down somebody
has to go down with me!
Well, if i'm going down
Cartman's going down!
And if i'm going down both kyle and
Kenny are definitely going down.
Wul, dude!Somebody
has got to go down!
Butters, what are you up to?
Oh, hey, fellas!
I'm just watching the kardashians!
Today, my sisters and i are
going to have to wash something.
It's gonna blow!
Kim kardashian is soo sexy.
Her butt is like a big
mountain of pudding.
Butters, listen,
you are in big trouble.
I am?
Yeah, you remember
that book you wrote.
Stan's mom found it.
Oh no!
Which book was that?!
Dude!
The book you left with us when
you were sleepwalking last night!
I don't even remember that!
But it all makes sense now.
Ever since i read
"catcher in the rye"
I've been having these blackouts,
Crazy thoughts of wanting
to kill the phonies!
I must have channeled all my angst
into dark writings in my sleep!
Alright, boys.
We need to get to
the bottom of this.
We've all read the book now,
And it is very shocking
to say the least.
Okay.Well, actually,
it was all written by Butters.
That's right.
Butters?
Is that true?
Yeah, i barely even remember it.
But i know i did --
Well, Butters, we think
That this is one of the of the
best books we've ever read!
Huh? What?
Yeah, really amazing.
Oh thanks!
We were actually so moved
by your book, Butters,
That we brought mr. Niedilbaum
from penguin publishing to read it.
Mr. Butters, we would
like to offer you a deal
For first publishing rights
to your brilliant novel.
Hey, wait a minute. That's ours!
Yeah, we wrote that!
Okay. Boys, you already
told the truth.
No, no!
We really did write it.
Tell them, Butters.
I wrote that.
Oh, wow! He's so
young young! Amazing!
What? Hey?
It is being called the most disgusting,
foul and sickening book ever written,
And it is also being
called literary genius.
"The tale of scrotie mcboogerballs"
hit the shelves this weekend,
And so far no one
Has been able to get through the
first paragraph without vomiting.
The book has already sold
millions of copies worldwide,
And has been translated
into 26 languages.
Per lang shur ma.
Poang shing scrotie
mcboogerballs bao lang shur.
Bo nag shing chur mar pur -
Ch-Chur mar purrrrr ahghghgh!
Bo ya sun ma chur lang?
Pur lang sarah jessica
parker pur tsoy.
The book is changing
the literary world
And it is all thanks to
leopold Butters stotch.
Hey, here he comes!
Amazing book Butters!
Thank you!
You changed my life, young man.
That's nice!
Butters, what the fuck do
you think you're doing?
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Butters, you know god damn well
you didn't write that book!
But you told me i did!
Yeah, but that was when we thought we
were gonna get in trouble, asshole!
Hey, hey you guys
leave Butters alone
He's a very fragile artist.
He's so brooding and full of angst.
Yeah, i'm brooding.
Butters doesn't deserve any
credit for scrotie mcboogerballs!
We deserve all the credit!
Oh god, you guys are pathetic.
Yeah, get a life and stop momooching
off of others' succe for once.
God dammit!
Butters, do you really think
it's fair to lie like this?
Let me tell you
that if you don't --
No, let me tell you
something, fellas!
You always take advantage of me,
And after reading
"catcher in the rye,"
I've learned you're
nothin' but phonies!
I'm not letting you
trick me this time!
So the four of you can
just suck on my wiener!
That inconsiderate jerk!
Today on "today"
We meet the author of the
book that has swept the nation
And has now spawned tvs
most popular game show!
How long can you listen to scrotie
mcboogerballs on audiobook and not vomit?
The book is full of
disgusting words and acts,
Including sarah jessica parker,
Who is mentioned 465 times.
Matthew brodErick, are you upset your
wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Well, obviously i
just think it's wrong
To make fun of anybody's
physical appearance.
My wife is a beautiful woman,
And i know that most
people agree with me.
Uh-Huh, and matthew,
How come a transvestite donkey
witch is standing next to you,
And why is it wearing a dress?
Joining us now is the author
of the book, leopold stotch,
Along with his parents.
Hello matt!
Hi everyone!
You must be pretty
proud of your son.
Oh, we certainly are!
We are thrilled to learn
he is so very talented.
And we also understand that your
son is grounded; is that correct?
Yes, we did have to ground him for
the langge in the novel, of course.
I have to come right to
my room after school.
But we are very,
very proud nonetheless.
Young man, now that
you're a respected author,
Have you met any famous people?
Not yet, but as soon as
i'm not grounded anymore,
I'm hoping to meet kim kardashian!
I wanna jump on her belly.
Alright.
Uh, Butters, my favorite
part of your novel
Was when scrotie mcboogerballs slid
his head up into the horse's --
Sorry.
Was that chapter a slam on health
care reform as people have suggested?
Uh, yeah, pretty much.
I think so.
Is that why the doctor character
pulls out all the stringy --
Little boy, are you ever worried
Somebody might take your book
wrong and try to kill someone
Like when the guy tried
to shoot ronald reagan
After reading "catcher in the rye?"
Oh, is that who the book
was telling me to kill?
Kill ronald reagan,
kill ronald reagan!
Ronald reagan is dead now, Butters.
Oh really?
Gosh dangit.
More and more of us are
against this book every day.
The author is cruel and offensive.
And for these reasons,
We demand this book be banned from
all schools, stores and libraries.
This book is nothing,
but smut and vulgari
Purely for the sake
of smut and vulgarity!
That's just because you're too young
to understand the underlying themes.
There are no underlying themes!
We know that for a fact!
You just failed to understand
what the author meant.
The author meant to be as gross
as possible because it was funny!
Oh no, no, no.
That is such a simplistic view.
God dammit, there is no
deeper meaning in this book.
Read it again!
So you're suggesting that
the author just arbitrarily
Made fun of sarah jessica
parker for no reason.
Yes!
But what would be the point?
There's is no point.
It's just because sarah jessica
parker is fucking ugly!
No writer would take the time to
make fun of sarah jessica parker
Just because they think she's ugly.
Yes, they would!
It is because miss jessica
parker is a metaphor in the book
For oppression felt
by the lower class.
What?
Dude, that is not
in the book at all!
Boys, this book is
an important look
At how liberals are
hurting this country,
And we can't -- What?
Scrotie mcboogerballs is the most
conservative-Hating liberal in literature!
What book did you read?
There's nothing about
liberals or conservatives!
Oh, yeah.
Then why does sarah jessica parker's butt
cheese end up in scrotie's milkshake?
Breaking news from acclaimed
author leopold stotch!
The artist has announced that
he is working on a second novel,
As a follow up to his wildly
successful best seller.
We got a statement from the writer,
Who is still grounded in his room.
Can you give the public any
idea what the new book is about?
Well, it's kind of about
love and betrayal.
The inner workings
of the human mind.
Will it be as sick and
disgusting as your first book.
Oh it's raunchy alright!
I know what my readers want
And i'm going to deliver!
Butters, away from the window!
You are being grounded!
Sorry, dad, i was just bein'
the voice of a generation.
I can't believe they
won't ban our book!
I know!
It's so much worse than
catcher in the retarded rye!
It's .
Alright, you guys,
i know what we have to do.
We've got to kill
sarah jessica parker.
What?
Think about it, guys!
If somebody kills
sarah jessica parker,
Then they'll assume
that somebody did it
Because of what was in the book.
Then the book will get banned.
Dude, we're not killing
sarah jessica parker!
Be right with you!
We don't have to kill her.
We can just help her get killed.
Shut up, Cartman!
Just face it.
We lost this one!
Kenny, we only have
to help her get killed
And then we can totally
get back at Butters.
Okay.
Mrs. Jessica parker!
Over here.
Well, the day has finally arrived,
The eagerly-Awaited second novel from
the author of scrotie mcboogerballs
Hit the shelves this morning,
And apparently
bookstores are jammed!
Al, how is it out there?
I don't know if you
can see this guys,
But the line stretches all
the way around the block.
People waiting for their turn to get
inside the book store and read the novel.
They've brought trash bags
and buckets to throw up in,
Just a festive atmosphere here,
matt and meredith.
Well, we've got our
vomit buckets ready too,
Because coming up,
a very special in studio treat.
That's right, we are
going to have a reading
Of the first five chapters of the
book here live in our studio!
Now, we must warn you that
this is from the same author
Who wrote the most graphic,
obscene novel of all time,
So brace yourselves for
some very harsh language.
Take it away morgan freeman!
The poop that took a pee.
Chapter one.
Douglas had to poop.
His butt was all stinky because
he had to poop so badly.
There was a gross
woman named rebecca
Who was sunbathing all
naked and she was fat.
Douglas walked up to her and said,
i need to poop.
Okay, rebecca replied.
I like poop.
Douglas squatted down over
the fat sunbathing lady
And went poop.
The poop, sat there
on rebecca's boobs,
Looking like a wiener.
Chapter two.
[
See any hunters yet?
Not yet.
Doing good mrs. Jessica parker,
Just hang out right there.
Guys!Stop!
Stop!
We don't have to do this!
Huh?
Butters wrote a second book!
So what?
So dude, if Butters
wrote a second book
Then everyone's gonna know he
couldn't have written the first one!
We can get people
to believe us now.
Oh, dude sweet!
Why are we here, douglas cried,
As poop came out his wiener
in a long, thin strip.
It was wiener poop.
Which is the grossest poop of all.
The pee pee got on the
woman's leg and she screamed,
Pooping out her boobs.
And so, when the pee got mixed with
the poop it smelled like a butt.
Oh dude, this is even
lamer than we thought!
People are gonna want
Butters' head on a platter!
Are you reading this, marcia?
What do you think?
So far i think it's incredible.
It might be better
than his first book.
I agree it wasn't as edgy,
But it's like he's
gone back to his roots.
What?
You can't be serious!
You people like this?
Some of the imagery
is unbelievable.
A woman pooping out her
boobs is not good imagery!
Says you.You must be
a pro life nut, huh?
Didn't like what the
book had to say?
What are you talking about,
This book is as pro
life as it gets.
Oh, come on!
God dammit, will you people stop
reading into stuff that isn't there?!
And the poop and the pee
lived happily ever after.
The end.
Kill the phonies!
Kill the phonies!
Today my sisters and i are
going to shop for underwear!
Can i go with you girls?
Our nation is still reeling from the
tragic deaths of the kardashians.
The shooter claims he was
driven to commit the slaughter
Immediately after reading "the poop that
took a pee" by leopold Butters stotch.
It's all over.
The kardashians wiped out
in the blink of an eye.
All because one little prick
Had to go and write a book,
leopold stotch.
I hope they bury you,
You evil fucker!
Dude, people are pissed
off at you, Butters.
I know.
They're saying they're gonna ban
both your books now,completely!
You're not making any more money!
You think i care about that?
My writing got the most beautiful
woman in the world killed!
I loved her!
And now she's gone and
it's because of me!!
Aw, Butters, it'll be alright.
Look, we've all learned that
people look for meaning in books.
And sometimes even
if it isn't there,
They'll try and invent
their own meaning.
Yeah, dude.
That's why we all need to avoid
books and stick to television.
Thanks, fellas.
I'll definitely never write again.
I think i can get over this.
That's good, Butters,
because we need to tell you something.
What?
You were sleepwalking again.
And dress sarah jessica
parker up in a moo suit.
You left her in a forest,
And she got shot by a hunter!
What? Oh, no.
Yeah, sorry. You're gonna have to
gome down and admit that was you.
Oh, i got her killed too?
Oh, well. At least she was ugly.