tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19803311199744998692024-03-13T23:16:53.216-07:00The South ParkSubtitles of The South ParkUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger208125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-61668525352584138252012-01-03T00:41:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:41:31.092-08:00S14E14 Crème Fraiche<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Passengers said the carnival<br />
cruise line smelled like poop,<br />
but that that was an improvement.<br />
Alright, it's late.<br />
I'm gonna call it a night.<br />
You coming?<br />
Oh ya know, I can't really sleep.<br />
I'm just gonna stay up a bit.<br />
Have some me time.<br />
Randy, do not watch<br />
that no-no channel.<br />
I'm not staying up to do that,<br />
Sharon. Geez.<br />
Alright, come to bed soon.<br />
Man, that is hot.<br />
Oh yeah.<br />
Fuck.<br />
Just look at that rack of ribs!<br />
Now those were slow cooked and<br />
then braised to bring<br />
out the smoky flavor.<br />
God damn. Yeah!<br />
See how that just<br />
falls off the bone?<br />
That is money, right there.<br />
Yeah, fucking money.<br />
Next on food network<br />
it's Paula Dean!<br />
Hey ya'll!<br />
Tonight we're gonna be making<br />
some deep fried chicken.<br />
Oh yeah?<br />
My buttery whipped patatas<br />
and we're gonna be finishing<br />
off with a chocolate pecan pie.<br />
Oh fuck yeah.<br />
Dad, what are you doing?<br />
You're just in time!<br />
Sit down, sit down!<br />
I've made you all breakfast again!<br />
Oh crap.<br />
Now what I have for you<br />
is a nice goat cheese<br />
and heirloom tomato frittata<br />
and we're gonna top that<br />
with a little creme fraiche.<br />
Oh yeah.<br />
Randy, you've been watching<br />
that channel again, haven't you?<br />
No!<br />
Yes, because every time<br />
you watch cooking shows<br />
you stay up all night trying<br />
to copy what they made!<br />
Wul, I'm sorry if there's<br />
something wrong with me<br />
helping out with the cooking!<br />
You think you'd be<br />
grateful, Sharon.<br />
I gotta get to work.<br />
I cooked so you guys clean up.<br />
Can I have a pop-tart?<br />
Oh this is sweet.<br />
I've seen this episode.<br />
Hello and welcome to progressive.<br />
Yes, we're looking<br />
to buy car insurance.<br />
Well, you've come<br />
to the right place.<br />
Oh dear!<br />
I knew we should<br />
have gone to Geico.<br />
Daddy time. It's daddy tv time.<br />
Now just look at<br />
this pork tenderloin.<br />
It is brined and ready for action.<br />
Oh yeah, look at that.<br />
Dad, you know mom doesn't want<br />
you watching food channels.<br />
I've worked all day.<br />
I can watch what I want!<br />
We're gonna take a stick of butter<br />
and just smear that all over.<br />
Oh my God that's awesome.<br />
Oh, oh yeah! Woa!<br />
Now let's get that on the grill.<br />
See what he's doing, Stan?<br />
He brined that for<br />
an hour in the fridge<br />
so now he can sear<br />
the shit out of it.<br />
Look at the char we're getting.<br />
That is what we're going for.<br />
Oooh, isn't that hot guys?<br />
Oh, yeah!<br />
Don't you just...<br />
don't you just wanna get in there!<br />
We will be right<br />
back to good eats.<br />
Hey ladies, are you looking<br />
for a better workout?<br />
Aw, stupid commercials.<br />
Introducing the shake weight.<br />
A spring-loaded workout device<br />
you pump with your arms.<br />
Just grab the piston<br />
and go to work<br />
one-handed, or double-fisted.<br />
Come on!<br />
You just shake it back and forth.<br />
It feels really good in my hands.<br />
Best of all shake weight tells<br />
you when your workout is finished<br />
by chiming, and releasing<br />
a cooldown spray.<br />
Boring!<br />
Order now and we'll include the<br />
optional heart rate monitor.<br />
Just put your finger in the tester<br />
and shake weight takes your pulse!<br />
Get yours today!<br />
Now back to good eats.<br />
Just look at the glaze we<br />
got going now on that thing.<br />
Oh man, yeah!<br />
That is hot!<br />
Alright. Now here's<br />
the really cool part!<br />
What we're gonna do is...<br />
this channel has been<br />
blocked by parental controls<br />
channel blocked?<br />
What the... what the hell?<br />
Sharon, what are you doing?<br />
Just using the parental<br />
controls to block some channels.<br />
I wasn't watching food channels.<br />
Then how do you<br />
know I blocked them.<br />
I know, cuz... I don't know that!<br />
That's what I'm saying!<br />
Gaww!<br />
Thanks for calling the<br />
food network hotline.<br />
Billing is 9.95 for<br />
each 60-second period.<br />
To accept, say 'creme fraiche'<br />
creme fraiche.<br />
Hi there, I'm Amanda.<br />
What are you up to?<br />
Oh hi.<br />
I just thought I'd<br />
give the hotline a try.<br />
What are... what are you doing?<br />
I'm making a pan roasted chicken.<br />
Pan roasted!<br />
Like seared on the stove<br />
and then put in the oven?<br />
Uh-huh.<br />
I've just taken the<br />
chicken out of the pan.<br />
It's so moist.<br />
I'm gonna let it rest now,<br />
about five minutes.<br />
Yeah?<br />
Oh yeah.<br />
Oho, there's lots of browned bits<br />
stuck to the bottom of the skillet.<br />
You gonna deglaze<br />
that fucking pan?<br />
Oh I'm going to deglaze it.<br />
You wanna help me?<br />
If I was there I would.<br />
I'd take some, red wine,<br />
about a quarter cup,<br />
then get a wooden spoon.<br />
And I'd deglaze the<br />
fuck out of that pan.<br />
I gotta wooden spoon right here.<br />
It's pretty hard.<br />
Yeah, you gonna put some onion<br />
in while you're deglazing?<br />
Was thinking about<br />
shallots actually.<br />
Oh yeah, shallots won't overwhelm<br />
the chicken's natural flavors.<br />
Fuck yeah.<br />
Randy marsh!<br />
Sharon!<br />
Your time on food network<br />
hotline has expired.<br />
To add more time say<br />
'creme fraiche.'<br />
I don't know what to do, Sheila.<br />
It's like he's a different person.<br />
Last night I walked in<br />
on him in the bathroom,<br />
he was sitting on the toilet<br />
flambeing a pork chop.<br />
Sharon, I'm so sorry.<br />
It just makes me feel<br />
unwanted, you know?<br />
I mean, am I not<br />
attractive anymore?<br />
I mean, I don't<br />
exercise anymore at all.<br />
Well, if it will make you<br />
feel better about yourself,<br />
then workout, Sharon.<br />
Like I have time to<br />
go to a gym every day.<br />
There are plenty of<br />
things you can buy<br />
to help you get a<br />
good workout at home.<br />
Have you heard of<br />
the shake weight?<br />
Help you find anything?<br />
Yes I was interested<br />
in the shake weights.<br />
Biggest seller the<br />
past four months!<br />
What model are you looking at?<br />
I didn't realize there<br />
were different models.<br />
Well you got your standard,<br />
your deluxe.<br />
Small to large sizes,<br />
but if you're really<br />
looking for a workout<br />
you might want to try the big Jim.<br />
That woman over there<br />
is trying it out.<br />
I think I'll start with<br />
the smaller, white ones.<br />
Smaller white ones, yes, ma'am.<br />
Standard or voice assist model?<br />
Well, I don't know...<br />
I would definitely<br />
recommend the voice assist.<br />
It has recorded voice commands to<br />
help motivate you in your workout.<br />
You are doing excellent!<br />
Great work!<br />
Now switch arms!<br />
Wow! Good job!<br />
You are amazing!<br />
You are very attractive.<br />
And interesting.<br />
Thank you, shake weight.<br />
Come on now, almost finished!<br />
Yes!<br />
Good!<br />
Almost done!<br />
Keep going!<br />
Keep going!<br />
Harder!<br />
Faster!<br />
Your workout is finished!<br />
Here is some cab fare.<br />
Oh wow!<br />
Now going to sleep mode.<br />
You guys have no idea<br />
how much it sucks.<br />
My dad is obsessed.<br />
Every day it's booby flay this,<br />
Gordon ramsay that.<br />
This morning he was<br />
pretending to read playboy,<br />
but he actually had a bon appetit<br />
magazine hidden inside it.<br />
Well, hearing you<br />
bitch about your dad<br />
all the time is super<br />
interesting, Stan.<br />
I hope you do it the<br />
entire lunch period.<br />
Hello there, children!<br />
Aw, what?<br />
How's it goin?<br />
No! Dad, no!<br />
The school was hiring<br />
and I got the job.<br />
Isn't that great?<br />
Dad, you're a geologist!<br />
What about your real job.<br />
I quit!<br />
Now, what I have for<br />
your starters today<br />
is a potato encrusted<br />
scallop with lobster foam.<br />
And we're gonna top that<br />
with some nice creme fraiche.<br />
Lobster foam?<br />
It says very clearly<br />
on the lunch schedule<br />
that today is pizza day!<br />
Yes, and so this is<br />
my take on a pizza.<br />
It's an Asian slaw on flatbread,<br />
deconstructed and topped<br />
with a nice parmesan aioli.<br />
Dad, no!<br />
I'm gonna tell mom.<br />
Go back to your<br />
other job right now.<br />
Stan there is nothing wrong with<br />
a man following his passion!<br />
Oooh yeah.<br />
Fuck yeah!<br />
Mom?<br />
Mom!<br />
You gotta do something.<br />
Dad's trying to be<br />
our new school chef.<br />
Oh I know.<br />
He tried out all his recipes<br />
here and left me with the mess.<br />
Well you gotta tell<br />
him to stop, mom!<br />
You think your father is<br />
going to listen to me?<br />
This is a workout reminder.<br />
Time for a workout.<br />
This thing is so great.<br />
It reminds me when I haven't<br />
worked out in a while.<br />
That's it.<br />
Work it.<br />
Harder.<br />
Faster.<br />
Mom, dad's food sucks<br />
and the kids at school are<br />
starting to get pissed at me.<br />
Sorry, Stan, but I need to<br />
start doing things for myself.<br />
You are independent and strong.<br />
Right.<br />
I spend all my time trying to<br />
take care of everybody else.<br />
Switch arms.<br />
I don't need to look good to keep<br />
your father interested in me.<br />
I'm just going to do it for me.<br />
You are so motivated and charming.<br />
It is time to take your pulse.<br />
Insert finger.<br />
Do not stop your arms.<br />
Keep going.<br />
Good.<br />
Get your finger up<br />
there a little more.<br />
Your pulse is 145.<br />
Faster!<br />
Harder!<br />
Who says that school<br />
cafeteria food<br />
can't be healthy,<br />
delicious and gourmet?<br />
Today we're gonna be making the<br />
students my tasty baked ziti<br />
with basil and fresh mozzarella.<br />
It's all right here,<br />
right now on cafeteria fraiche.<br />
Oh fuck yeah.<br />
Oh yeah.<br />
Man!<br />
Dad, what are you doing?<br />
Fraiiiiche.<br />
Cafeteria fraiche.<br />
Alright, now for my baked<br />
ziti we are gonna start off<br />
by getting some extra virgin<br />
olive oil into the pan.<br />
Oh yeah.<br />
Get that all over there.<br />
It's all slick.<br />
It's all wet and slick.<br />
Can we get some food please?<br />
Now, olive oil does<br />
have a low smoke point,<br />
so keep the heat low<br />
and keep in fraiche.<br />
That's so fucking hot.<br />
Look at that crust is perfect.<br />
Fuck yeah.<br />
Dad you aren't ever going<br />
to be a celebrity chef!<br />
Quiet on set, please!<br />
No dad. That's enough.<br />
You need to be focusing<br />
on getting mom back!<br />
Back from where?<br />
Oh, this is so nice.<br />
I really needed this.<br />
You are so lovely and elegant.<br />
You can do anything<br />
you set your mind to.<br />
Oh thanks, shake weight.<br />
You are a go-getter.<br />
You are strong and confident.<br />
You're right!<br />
Tell me again about the<br />
women who you do not like.<br />
Well, Linda Stotch<br />
is a real gossiper,<br />
and Tammy Bretz at work<br />
is just a know-it-all.<br />
Oh you are so witty and<br />
alarmingly insightful.<br />
How about a quick workout?<br />
A workout?<br />
What, right now?<br />
Just a quickie.<br />
You can do it.<br />
I don't really like<br />
working out in public.<br />
Come on.<br />
You can do it!<br />
That's it!<br />
Good!<br />
Keep it up!<br />
Feel the burn.<br />
Harder!<br />
Faster!<br />
You are amazing!<br />
Switch arms.<br />
Oh, that's it.<br />
Yes.<br />
You are getting<br />
really good at this.<br />
You are capable of anything.<br />
Harder.<br />
Faster.<br />
I said faster!<br />
More.<br />
Do it.<br />
You are almost there.<br />
Home stretch.<br />
Oh, yes.<br />
Your workout is finished.<br />
Your cab fare.<br />
Now go into sleep mode.<br />
We really think this<br />
is gonna work, Stan.<br />
All we have to do<br />
is convince your dad that<br />
his cooking sucks, right?<br />
He's not going to listen to us.<br />
We already tried.<br />
He won't listen to us,<br />
but he would listen<br />
to Gordon ramsay.<br />
That's stupid, cartman.<br />
He does kind of<br />
look like him, dude,<br />
and Kenny thinks cartman's Gordon<br />
ramsay impersonation is really good.<br />
Yeah, it's really good!<br />
Let's hear it, cartman.<br />
Right.<br />
Simple, rustic. Yeah?<br />
Wake up!<br />
Jesus!<br />
Fuck me!<br />
You're not a fucking chef!<br />
Hi, right, Gordon, yeah.<br />
Making a nice,<br />
simple beef Wellington.<br />
You're fucking<br />
taking the piss yeah?<br />
Fuck me you can't cook!<br />
You guys, my dad is retarded<br />
but he's not that retarded.<br />
Hey Stan, have you seen my...<br />
oh my God, it's Gordon ramsay!<br />
Stan do you know who<br />
that is in there?<br />
That's the Gordon ramsay.<br />
Uh yeah, dad he'd<br />
like to talk to you.<br />
Talk to me?<br />
Oh Jesus.<br />
You have not worked<br />
out in seven hours.<br />
Oh God, not right now.<br />
Come on.<br />
Let's get to it.<br />
I'm tired.<br />
You have not worked<br />
out in seven hours.<br />
Where is that sleep mode button?<br />
Cannot go to sleep mode.<br />
You need to workout first.<br />
Come on, just really fast.<br />
Come on.<br />
It won't take long.<br />
Just a quick workout.<br />
Come on.<br />
Please.<br />
Alright, fine.<br />
That's it.<br />
Good.<br />
A little faster.<br />
Harder.<br />
Come on, get into it.<br />
That's it.<br />
Now switch arms.<br />
You are so attractive and you<br />
have interesting things to say.<br />
Come on.<br />
You are almost there.<br />
Faster.<br />
Do it faster.<br />
Now going to sleep mode.<br />
What the fuck kind of<br />
cook do you think you are?<br />
You are having a laugh, hay?<br />
Hay, you've got your fucking<br />
head up your ass, don't you!<br />
Yes, chef!<br />
Give up you wanka!<br />
You fucking can't cook for shit!<br />
Alright dad.<br />
Gordon ramsay says you suck.<br />
It's time to give up.<br />
No Stan!<br />
No chef!<br />
This is my dream!<br />
You aren't ever going to<br />
become a celebrity chef, dad!<br />
Give up on your dream!<br />
Uh excuse me. Randy marsh?<br />
Yes, I... oh my God<br />
it's Bobby flay!<br />
Stan, that's Bobby flay!<br />
I heard that Gordon ramsay<br />
had taken an interest<br />
in your cafeteria food!<br />
So now I would like<br />
to challenge you<br />
to a school cafeteria<br />
food throwdown!<br />
What, are you serious?<br />
Yes, yes!<br />
A culinary battle royal<br />
is set to explode here<br />
in a school cafeteria.<br />
Will it be the simple, rustic<br />
cafeteria food of the challenger?<br />
Or will the iron<br />
chef reign supreme?<br />
Hey no, no all you<br />
people get out of here.<br />
Hold on! Wait!<br />
School cafeteria food<br />
needs to be healthy!<br />
Why won't people listen to me?!<br />
Jamie Oliver!<br />
And our celebrity sous chefs!<br />
Mario Batali!<br />
Paula Dean!<br />
And Giada de Laurentis!<br />
With her perky tats<br />
and gigantic head!<br />
Can I just get some<br />
God damn tater tots?!<br />
Your room is being serviced.<br />
Oh well.<br />
Uh, excuse me!<br />
Oh! No! No, sorry!<br />
I done with cleaning, thank you.<br />
Please sorry!<br />
What's the big deal?<br />
She wanted to work out.<br />
You never want to work out.<br />
I just needed help<br />
going to sleep, mode.<br />
What.<br />
What.<br />
Come on.<br />
What.<br />
You are amazing and irreplaceable.<br />
What.<br />
How about a quick workout.<br />
What.<br />
Yes, I don't care.<br />
I just want to find out how<br />
to return my shake weight.<br />
This is ridiculous.<br />
Give shake weight a break.<br />
Because I want to return it now,<br />
I need to know the<br />
address of your company.<br />
You are enticing and lovely.<br />
Tell me again about the<br />
women you do not like.<br />
I don't care how long I've had it,<br />
I want my money back.<br />
You are so forthcoming<br />
and delightful.<br />
Tell me about which woman at<br />
work makes you the angriest.<br />
Tonight,<br />
a school cafeteria<br />
in middle America<br />
is the stage for a<br />
heavyweight culinary battle!<br />
The very best of the<br />
best will cookoff<br />
to find out who can make the<br />
best school cafeteria food.<br />
It's the hell's kitchen nightmares<br />
iron top chef cafeteria throwdown<br />
ultimate cookoff challenge!<br />
Behind you!<br />
Who's cafeteria food will win?<br />
These chef's are cooking<br />
their hearts out<br />
and bringing their a game<br />
to serve the kids of<br />
this elementary school!<br />
These kids have now been waiting<br />
over 12 hours for their lunch!<br />
Over at the prep station<br />
Jamie Oliver is crying again.<br />
Kid's food should be hewfy!<br />
Why in'nit hewfffy?<br />
And back in the kitchen<br />
the challenger appears<br />
to have lost something.<br />
Where is it?<br />
I must have left it at home!<br />
I'll be right back!<br />
The challenger has<br />
left the cafeteria<br />
to find his most<br />
important ingredient.<br />
Creme fraiche!<br />
Creme fraiche!<br />
Where is it?<br />
Where is it?<br />
Dammit where is<br />
that creme fraiche?<br />
Where did I leave that<br />
fucking creme fraiche?!<br />
It has to be somewhere!<br />
Randy, I'm back.<br />
Oh thank God! Sharon!<br />
Have you seen my creme fraiche?<br />
Randy, we should talk.<br />
I don't have time!<br />
I'm cooking right now!<br />
Randy, I don't want<br />
our marriage to fail.<br />
I don't know how to fix<br />
what's wrong but please,<br />
can't we just go to bed and<br />
start fresh in the morning?<br />
You don't understand, Sharon!<br />
I've got Gordon ramsay up my ass,<br />
Bobby flay about to kick my ass<br />
and the whole world<br />
is gonna be watching!<br />
I can't sleep!<br />
I haven't slept for days!<br />
What'd you say?<br />
I can't sleep, Sharon.<br />
I'm in work mode.<br />
Can I try something?<br />
Sharon, what are you... oh!<br />
A nice ol' fashioned!<br />
Oh, that's good.<br />
Oh that's it.<br />
Yeah, now switch arms.<br />
Oh that's good.<br />
Really good. Wow!<br />
How'd you get so good at this?<br />
You're amazing!<br />
That's it!<br />
Faster!<br />
Faster!<br />
Haven't had an old<br />
fashioned in a long time.<br />
Oh I'm tired.<br />
You gonna go back to the kitchen?<br />
Oh, no. Fuck that.<br />
I'm going to sleep, babe.<br />
Here, do you need some<br />
money or anything?<br />
No, I'm good. Thanks.<br />
I'll get my old job back tomorrow.<br />
Cooking's dumb.<br />
I'm just really sleepy.<br />
Love you, Sharon.<br />
I guess my work here is finished.<br />
Shake weight, you aren't really<br />
workout equipment at all, are you?<br />
Marriage is important.<br />
Keep your man happy.<br />
When things are going bad,<br />
there's nothing like an old<br />
fashioned to ease that stress.<br />
I'll remember that now,<br />
thanks to you.<br />
It has been nice<br />
getting to know you,<br />
how about a quick workout,<br />
for old time's sake?<br />
Just kidding.<br />
I must be going now.<br />
Another lovely woman needs me.<br />
Goodbye.<br />
Customer!<br />
Goodbye, shake weight.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-24296949124131433142012-01-03T00:40:00.003-08:002012-01-03T00:40:59.801-08:00S14E13 Coon vs. Coon and Friends<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Sentem-se de volta,<br />
justiceiros,<br />
and listen to another edition of<br />
America's favorite super hero!<br />
Mintberry Crunch!<br />
Our story begins in a remote<br />
corner of the Gulf of Mexico!<br />
The BP oil company drills<br />
into the ocean floor!<br />
But they drill too much,<br />
and the BP oil company<br />
accidentally unleashes Cthulhu,<br />
an ancient evil God<br />
from another dimension!<br />
Halfway across the country,<br />
a mild mannered, attractive<br />
fourth grader, Bradley Biggle,<br />
hears of the disaster on the<br />
news while with his friends.<br />
But Bradley Biggle is no<br />
ordinary fourth grader!<br />
Not long ago he realized he had<br />
super powers he could call upon,<br />
by turning in place and<br />
saying the magic word!<br />
Shablagoo!<br />
And in a flash Bradley is<br />
transformed into that<br />
thrilling super hero,<br />
Mint Berry Crunch!<br />
Joined by the other coon friends,<br />
Mintberry Crunch went to<br />
investigate the Gulf spill crisis!<br />
The super heroes came across a cult,<br />
in existence for years,<br />
that had been waiting<br />
for Cthulhu's arrival!<br />
They are the key to stopping<br />
Cthulhu from taking over the world.<br />
Sometimes, when<br />
everything seems hopeless,<br />
that's when you need<br />
to bring it all.<br />
That's when you need<br />
to bring the Crunch.<br />
Dude, I'm sorry,<br />
but we still aren't getting it.<br />
You're half man, and half berry?<br />
Right!<br />
But then what exactly<br />
is your super power?<br />
The power of mint and berries yet<br />
with a satisfying tasty crunch!<br />
No, see, that's the problem, dude.<br />
That's not really a super power.<br />
Like I have mental command<br />
over all power tools,<br />
human kite can fly.<br />
And shoot lasers out of my eyes.<br />
And shoot lasers out of his eyes,<br />
and Mysterion can...<br />
Wait! What's your super power,<br />
Mysterion?<br />
I can't die.<br />
Ooh, yeah, good one.<br />
Mysterion can't die and iron<br />
maiden is indestructible...<br />
No, Stan, I'm being serious.<br />
I really, really can't die.<br />
What?<br />
Like last night in the alley!<br />
The cult leader stabbed me and<br />
I bled all over the place.<br />
And you screamed, oh my God,<br />
and you called him a bastard!<br />
When was that?<br />
All the time!<br />
I die all the time!<br />
And you assholes never remember!<br />
I think we would<br />
remember you dying, dude.<br />
Well, you don't! I die over,<br />
and over.<br />
Only to wake up in my bed<br />
like nothing happened.<br />
Dude, you're freakin'<br />
out Mintberry Crunch.<br />
He's peed his pants.<br />
No, no!<br />
Mintberry Crunch doesn't<br />
ever pee his pants!<br />
I knew there'd be no point<br />
in telling you guys.<br />
Alright, dude. Let's just say<br />
you're not crazy and it's true.<br />
What's the big deal?<br />
I mean, I think it'd be pretty<br />
cool not to be able to die.<br />
Pretty cool?<br />
Do you know what it feels<br />
like to be stabbed?<br />
To be shot, decapitated,<br />
torn apart, burned, run over...<br />
Kenny, Kenny calm down.<br />
It's not pretty cool, Kyle!<br />
It fucking hurts!<br />
And it won't go away and<br />
nobody will believe me!<br />
Remember this time!<br />
Try and fucking remember!<br />
Oh my God!<br />
Holy shit dude!<br />
Dude! Is he... Oh Jesus!<br />
Kenny.<br />
No, no!<br />
Gather around, believers in good,<br />
and listen to the newest<br />
installment of the coon!<br />
It all began when the BP oil company<br />
drilled into the ocean floor<br />
and ripped open a hole<br />
to another dimension.<br />
Seeing the disaster on coonvision,<br />
the coon immediately called<br />
together his trusty coon friends.<br />
As the coon explained how<br />
the disaster could be stopped,<br />
something terrible happened.<br />
Without warning,<br />
the coon friends changed.<br />
Their super powers<br />
morphed somehow,<br />
turning them into super villains.<br />
The coon tried to<br />
reason with them.<br />
Tried to bring them back<br />
to the side of good.<br />
But it was too late.<br />
Their black hearts had been<br />
tainted by hate and rage.<br />
The coon was alone.<br />
Torn by the ultimate dilemma.<br />
He had to put a stop<br />
to the evil villains,<br />
even though they had<br />
once been his friends.<br />
Sometimes, to fight<br />
the ultimate evil,<br />
you must make friends<br />
with enemies.<br />
The coon teamed up with Cthulhu,<br />
because even Cthulhu knows what<br />
evil assholes Kyle and<br />
Stan and those guys are.<br />
And that they are manipulative,<br />
uncaring, vagina faces!<br />
They are all planning<br />
to destroy the world.<br />
Only one thing can stop them.<br />
The coon.<br />
With Cthulhu's help,<br />
I can try to banish them to a<br />
dark oblivion for all eternity.<br />
I will not rest<br />
until that happens.<br />
Eric Cartman!<br />
Hi mom.<br />
Where have you been young man?<br />
Just doing stuff, mom.<br />
Are my friends downstairs<br />
in the secret base?<br />
Yes they are,<br />
but you were supposed to<br />
be grounded in your room.<br />
And now you are more grounded,<br />
young man!<br />
The coon's mother appears<br />
to be extremely upset.<br />
In order to get past her,<br />
I must use the Lebron<br />
James technique.<br />
Eric, are you listening to me?<br />
Mom, what should I do?<br />
What?<br />
What should I do?<br />
Should I admit I made mistakes?<br />
Should I say I've<br />
done this before?<br />
Should write a song about how I<br />
should have stayed in my room?<br />
What should I do?<br />
What do you mean? What should...<br />
Should I say I'm not a role model?<br />
Should I not listen<br />
to my conscience.<br />
It's my conscience, mom!<br />
What should I do?<br />
Go back to my room and<br />
pretend nothing happened?<br />
Not jump out the window<br />
and fly to New Orleans?<br />
What should I do, mom? Tell me!<br />
I just... I... I'm going to go<br />
make you kids some lemonade.<br />
Alright, coon friends!<br />
What good deed should we do next?<br />
Perhaps we should bake more<br />
lemon bars to raise money<br />
for people in need!<br />
Okay!<br />
You guys have no memory<br />
of me shooting myself<br />
in the head, do you?<br />
What?<br />
What we need to do is talk<br />
to people in that cult.<br />
I want to know where<br />
my powers come from.<br />
Yeah, cool, let's talk about<br />
where our powers come from!<br />
I was bitten by a<br />
radioactive mosquito!<br />
I was in a car accident<br />
then put back together<br />
with tupperware parts!<br />
Ti- Timmy!<br />
Will you guys listen to me?<br />
I actually have a power<br />
that I actually<br />
want to know about!<br />
Hey guys.<br />
So what's goin' on?<br />
Go away, Cartman.<br />
We kicked you out of coon<br />
and friends, remember?<br />
No, I know. That's cool.<br />
I understand.<br />
Even though I started it and<br />
the secret base is in my house.<br />
Yeah, that's totally<br />
understandable.<br />
You just wanted to frame<br />
and blackmail people,<br />
then you beat up Clyde and<br />
Bradley for no reason!<br />
No, you're right. For no reason.<br />
Clearly something<br />
is wrong with me.<br />
But you guys, what should I do?<br />
You should fuck off.<br />
That's what you should do.<br />
Alright. Look, you guys<br />
were totally right, okay?<br />
That's all I wanted to say.<br />
That and there's a<br />
double rainbow outside.<br />
A what?<br />
Double rainbow, you guys.<br />
Ya don't see 'em often,<br />
but there's one outside right now.<br />
You gotta come see!<br />
A double rainbow!<br />
Shablagoo!<br />
Wait, Mintberry Crunch.<br />
You might not wanna go...<br />
Hey, can I see the<br />
double rainbow fellas?<br />
Fellas?<br />
Isn't it beautiful, you guys?<br />
There's no double rainbow,<br />
fat ass.<br />
You are correct, Human Kyte.<br />
Not that super villains<br />
like you guys could ever<br />
see a double rainbow.<br />
What are you talking about?<br />
Your evil doing days<br />
are over, mosquito!<br />
All of you shall now be dealt<br />
the swift hand of justice!<br />
Cartman you are the<br />
bad guy, not us.<br />
Nu-uh, you guys are the bad guy.<br />
What are you doing<br />
with that thing?<br />
He's going to help me<br />
get rid of you guys,<br />
so together we can make<br />
the world a better place!<br />
Cartman, if you team up<br />
with the most evil thing<br />
in all the universe<br />
then clearly, you are the bad guy!<br />
No, because it's for<br />
the greater good<br />
like when superman teamed<br />
up with Lex Luthor.<br />
Superman never teamed<br />
up with Lex Luthor!<br />
Well, that's why superman isn't<br />
around anymore, isn't it?<br />
Cthulhu, banish them to<br />
a dark oblivion please.<br />
Dude, that was awesome!!!<br />
You were all like rrrrrrrr!<br />
And they were all like noooooo!<br />
Alright. Now,<br />
we've taken out most<br />
of the synagogues,<br />
destroyed San Francisco,<br />
sent my friends into<br />
a dark oblivion,<br />
and so our next order of<br />
business will be burning man!<br />
Burning man is the biggest<br />
hippie festival in the world,<br />
and tomorrow, we are<br />
gonna wipe em all out!<br />
Pretty soon the whole<br />
world will be transformed<br />
thanks to the coon!<br />
Yes, yes, the coon and friend.<br />
Now after burning man,<br />
we will take down whole foods, alright.<br />
The dark God is agitated.<br />
The coon will have to use an<br />
even more manipulative method<br />
time to bust out cute kitty.<br />
Dude, where the fuck are we?<br />
I don't know but,<br />
I feel like I've been here before.<br />
And so the coon had returned<br />
with the dark lord Cthulhu!<br />
Upon seeing Cthulhu in person,<br />
Mintberry Crunch,<br />
heroically dashed off to...<br />
to save the day!<br />
With minty coolness<br />
he hurried back home!<br />
And heroically watched judge Judy,<br />
knowing that his super hero<br />
friends were probably<br />
just fine without him!<br />
Oh shit!<br />
We aren't going that way!<br />
You guys, I wanna go home!<br />
We all wanna go home, Clyde!<br />
I don't think we're gonna<br />
last very long out here.<br />
Maybe we should just find a<br />
place to hide and wait for help.<br />
What help, dude?<br />
Nobody in the real world<br />
even knows we're here!<br />
Alright, you guys,<br />
hide as long as you can.<br />
I'll try and find help.<br />
How, dude?<br />
Kenny, where the<br />
hell are you going?<br />
I'm going to try to get<br />
you all out of here.<br />
If this works.<br />
Or I could be wrong.<br />
Kenny!<br />
That fucking hurts!<br />
Oh my God! Kenny.<br />
You... you crazy bastard!<br />
It's burning man!<br />
Biggest party in the world baby!<br />
Fucking hippies!<br />
Fuck all you!<br />
The dark and evil Cthulhu<br />
is bringing his angry wrath<br />
down upon the burning<br />
man festival, Tom.<br />
Cthulhu isn't behaving as most<br />
scientists had speculated Tom,<br />
but the dark lord is wreaking<br />
havoc everywhere and...<br />
No, no, excuse me!<br />
It is not 'Cthulhu.'<br />
it is coon and friend.<br />
I'm a little sick of everyone<br />
giving him all the credit<br />
when I'm the one really making<br />
the world a better place.<br />
Tom, it appears that<br />
Bruce Vilanch has arrived<br />
on the scene wearing<br />
a rat costume.<br />
Oh you motherfucker.<br />
Cthulhu this guy too!<br />
Cool.<br />
Oh, get that fire-twirling<br />
hippie bitch!<br />
This freaking sucks!<br />
We worshiped and<br />
prayed to Cthulhu,<br />
went to all the cult meetings,<br />
but life is still<br />
totally freakin' gay.<br />
I thought that when Cthulhu<br />
rose from the depths<br />
all was gonna be<br />
darkness and pain.<br />
I thought at least<br />
school would be canceled.<br />
How do I fight him?<br />
Oh joy, it's underwear boy again.<br />
That God you pray to just<br />
took away all my friends.<br />
Not our God.<br />
He promised everything would<br />
change if we worshiped him,<br />
but we're just sitting here<br />
smoking cigarettes like before.<br />
It's like Obama all over again.<br />
How do I fight him?<br />
Cthulhu isn't alive or dead,<br />
alright.<br />
Tell me what that means.<br />
Henrietta! Your little brother<br />
wants to play with you.<br />
Go away, mom! I hate you!<br />
Just let your little brother<br />
play with your friends, sweetie.<br />
He's lonely.<br />
Go on in, Bradley.<br />
Will you guys paint with me?<br />
Fuck off dork.<br />
I don't want you here!<br />
Please can I just...<br />
M-Mysterion!<br />
What's going... Uh,<br />
that's okay, sis.<br />
I'll play with you another time!<br />
Mysterion is here!<br />
He must have come for my help!<br />
No time to waste.<br />
Time for Bradley<br />
Biggle to transform!<br />
Shablagoo!<br />
Alright, look,<br />
the Necronomicon is an<br />
account of the old ones,<br />
their history and the<br />
means for summoning them.<br />
Old ones?<br />
Dark deities that<br />
existed before man.<br />
It was written by a mad prince,<br />
who knew of the nightmare<br />
city of R'Lyeh,<br />
which fell from the stars<br />
and exists beneath the sea,<br />
and in another dimension.<br />
That's it.<br />
That's the place I just was!<br />
You've been to the<br />
nightmare city of R'Lyeh?<br />
Lucky.<br />
Cthulhu and other beings<br />
are from this city,<br />
but for years cultists have tried<br />
to bring them into our world.<br />
And what about Cthulhu's power?<br />
Why can't old ones die?<br />
The only thing that can<br />
destroy an immortal,<br />
is another immortal.<br />
Don't worry, Mysterion!<br />
Mintberry Crunch is here to help<br />
you with these black cultists!<br />
Get out of my room, twerp!<br />
Mintberry Crunch isn't<br />
afraid of his fat sister!<br />
Grab her legs Mysterion!<br />
Mysterion?<br />
Oh crap!<br />
Hey Mysterion! Wait up!<br />
Come on, wait up!<br />
Us coon friends need to<br />
stick together, remember?<br />
Where're you going?<br />
Wherever Cthulhu is.<br />
What?<br />
But he'll kill you!<br />
Maybe,<br />
but with any luck I might<br />
find the reason for my powers.<br />
Oh right!<br />
Maybe I can find the<br />
reason for my powers too!<br />
You don't understand.<br />
How was it that Mint<br />
and Berry came together<br />
delivering full flavor<br />
and an intense crunch?<br />
We must find out<br />
answers Mysterion!<br />
Mysterion, I'm going with you!<br />
After the triumphant<br />
victory over the evil<br />
hippies of burning man,<br />
coon and friends turn their<br />
attention to the next<br />
villainous scourge.<br />
Bravely taking out every whole<br />
foods left in the country.<br />
No more organic crap for America.<br />
Thanks to coon and friends,<br />
the country would soon<br />
be rid of all evil.<br />
But first,<br />
they would come up against<br />
our most challenging<br />
and most evil opponent.<br />
Justin Bieber.<br />
In order to save the earth,<br />
this little butthole<br />
had to be stopped.<br />
Yup that's him.<br />
So long, Justin Bieber.<br />
You little douche bag.<br />
The dark God Cthulhu<br />
continues his rampage of<br />
destruction and terror,<br />
and there seems to<br />
be no hope for man.<br />
I am joined now by a supposed<br />
team member of Cthulhu,<br />
the coon.<br />
It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter.<br />
He is merely a small piece<br />
of coon and friends,<br />
who will continue to fight<br />
for good and justice.<br />
Good and justice.<br />
Justin Bieber and most of his<br />
fans have just been massacred.<br />
Yes, coon and friends<br />
are happy to help.<br />
We do not need<br />
thanks for our deeds,<br />
we do not want gifts.<br />
All we want<br />
is for people to buy our coon<br />
and friends t-shirts for 14.95.<br />
Hey fat boy!<br />
Kenny?<br />
What the hell I sent you...<br />
To the sunken city of R'Lyeh<br />
fallen from the stars!<br />
You little fucking prick!<br />
What is wrong with you!<br />
What kind of sick fucking<br />
shit does that to his friends?<br />
It's not my fault you<br />
guys turned evil, Kenny!<br />
You are the bad guy, fat boy, you!<br />
I'm going around making<br />
the world a better place!<br />
For you!<br />
You're making it a<br />
better place for you!<br />
Right, that's what<br />
super heroes do.<br />
No. This is what super heroes do.<br />
You banished me, but I'm back!<br />
What does that make me?<br />
Bring back my friends!<br />
Take me!<br />
Mysterion, no!<br />
What are you doing?<br />
Only an immortal can<br />
kill another immortal!<br />
Here's your prize!<br />
Take this curse away from me,<br />
you big pussy!<br />
Don't listen to him Cthulhu!<br />
We have more important<br />
stuff to do.<br />
Go on!<br />
Kill me before I kill you!<br />
But bring my friends back, wuss!<br />
Cthulhu!<br />
You are a coon friend<br />
and I am the coon!<br />
You will listen to me!<br />
No!<br />
Come back!<br />
I have to know what I am!<br />
Come back!<br />
Fuck you Kenny!<br />
Come back you fat piece of shit!<br />
Hello, my son.<br />
If you are seeing this message,<br />
then it must be dark times,<br />
and you must have many questions.<br />
Your true name is Gokzarah.<br />
The power given to you comes<br />
from a planet far away.<br />
You are from that planet,<br />
Gokzarah.<br />
It is for that reason you<br />
have a power that normal<br />
humans do not have.<br />
I know you must sometimes see<br />
this power as a curse,<br />
but you were sent here to stop<br />
evil from taking over the earth,<br />
and now that time<br />
has apparently come.<br />
You must now harness and<br />
focus your power, Gokzarah.<br />
The power of mint & berries yet<br />
with a tasty, satisfying crunch.<br />
Yes! Yes, please go on!<br />
Your home planet, Kotojn<br />
is known throughout the<br />
universe for its berry mines.<br />
Berries that have the power<br />
to fuel nearly anything.<br />
Needless to say, when the<br />
Mint hunters of Koganra<br />
got word of them,<br />
our fate was already sealed,<br />
Gokzarah.<br />
But our two worlds collided,<br />
and soon Mint and Berry were one.<br />
Your mother and I sent you<br />
as far away as we could.<br />
Use your powers, son.<br />
Save earth.<br />
Shablagoo.<br />
I will, father!<br />
No more running away<br />
for Mint Berry Crunch!<br />
Hello Cthulhu, I heard you<br />
haven't been berry nice.<br />
Not enough huh?<br />
Maybe the intense flavor of<br />
Mint will freshen things up!<br />
I reach the Gulf of<br />
Mexico in no time!<br />
And with all my strength,<br />
I drag Cthulhu back to the<br />
depths from whence he came!<br />
My trusty hero<br />
companions are there!<br />
Still alive!<br />
I return them to their<br />
world encased in a<br />
protective berry bubble!<br />
Then it's back down to seal<br />
up the hole created<br />
by the BP oil company!<br />
Returning home only momentarily<br />
to flip of my fat sister!<br />
Dude, thanks for getting us<br />
out of that dark oblivion,<br />
Mintberry Crunch.<br />
No, no! We worked as a team!<br />
All the coon and friends stopped<br />
the BP drilling spill crisis!<br />
And finally the evil coon<br />
is right where he belongs.<br />
Come on you guys!<br />
This is fucking bullcrap.<br />
Let me out!<br />
You're not going<br />
anywhere for a long time.<br />
This is inhumane!<br />
There's a big bucket<br />
with butters' poop in it<br />
and there's nothing to eat!<br />
You got poop don't ya?<br />
Well, I'm off.<br />
There are still many more<br />
questions left unanswered.<br />
I need to know what<br />
happened to my parents.<br />
Well, come back and<br />
visit anytime, dude.<br />
I will!<br />
Shablagooo!<br />
Fucking Mint Berry fucking Crunch.<br />
Wow! Can you believe it, Kenny?<br />
Bradley actually had super powers.<br />
Isn't that cool?<br />
Yeah.<br />
I'm tired, guys.<br />
Think I'm gonna go to bed.<br />
Oh my God!<br />
Holy shit, dude!<br />
Kenny! No! No!<br />
What, what?<br />
It's happening again!<br />
We shoulda never gone to<br />
that stupid cult meeting.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-16362207665004084732012-01-03T00:40:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:40:12.731-08:00S14E11 Coon 2 Hindsight<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped<br />
three murders from happening.<br />
I don't know why, but we're<br />
seeing a huge trend in crime.<br />
We have to find out the<br />
source of this evil.<br />
Something big is about to happen<br />
and it's up to Coon and<br />
friends to stop it.<br />
Yes, Toolshed, why do we have<br />
to be called Coon and friends?<br />
- What?<br />
- We all fight crime together.<br />
How come we're just your friends?<br />
Yeah. We want to be called<br />
the extreme avenger league.<br />
Yeah.<br />
I told you Tupperware,<br />
- extreme avenger league doesn't work.<br />
- Why no.<br />
Why can't it be<br />
Mosquito and friends?<br />
Nobody [bleep] heard of you, Mosquito?<br />
Have so.<br />
Guys, we need to find out what is<br />
causing the crime wave in this city.<br />
Mysterion, you and the human<br />
kite get on the computer.<br />
Dig up what you can.<br />
Tupperware and Mosquito,<br />
scan the papers.<br />
Work, people!<br />
Mintberry Crunch,<br />
could I have a quick work with you<br />
in the debriefing chamber?<br />
Okay.<br />
I enjoy having you be a part of<br />
Coon and friends and I certainly<br />
appreciate your on-time<br />
paying of dues and fees.<br />
It's just I don't...<br />
I'm not getting your deal.<br />
I mean, exactly what is Mintberry<br />
Crunch supposed to mean?<br />
I get that you're half man,<br />
half berry and that you're Crunchy<br />
with some mint.<br />
But to be a part of Coon<br />
and friends, you have to<br />
have a clear and more super<br />
hero kind of identity.<br />
Mintberry Crunch, I'm just<br />
wondering if maybe you need to<br />
add something else to the Mintberry<br />
Crunch part of your costume.<br />
Like milk?<br />
No, not like milk.<br />
You see, I think we're on different<br />
pages here, Mintberry Crunch.<br />
It's like...<br />
Coon and friends alert!<br />
Uh-oh!<br />
What's the alert, Mosquito?<br />
There's like a big fire or<br />
something in town. A fire?<br />
Coon volume up.<br />
Has to be at least 20 people trapped<br />
inside the apartment building.<br />
Firefighters are having no luck.<br />
This is what we've<br />
been waiting for!<br />
Coon and friends, let's head out?<br />
All right, yeah. Let's go.<br />
Yeah.<br />
Mintberry Crunch, why don't you<br />
stay here and mind the cave, okay?<br />
We have to get down town fast,<br />
Coon and friends.<br />
Mom, drive us downtown.<br />
It's late.<br />
You keep playing downstairs.<br />
Mom, you're the Coon's<br />
favorite butler.<br />
I want to go down town now.<br />
All right.<br />
I can get some groceries anyway.<br />
Into the Coon mobile, everyone.<br />
Let's hope we get there in time.<br />
All right. Buckled up for safety?<br />
Don't talk to us like that, mom.<br />
We're super heroes.<br />
Eric, what have we talked<br />
about with that language?<br />
One more time I'm not<br />
taking you anywhere.<br />
I'm sorry, mom. Can we go, please?<br />
Unbelievable!<br />
We tried getting in<br />
through the back.<br />
It was no good.<br />
Those people will die if<br />
we don't do something.<br />
Oh, my goodness. It's a fire.<br />
Come on, Coon and friends.<br />
No, Eric, stay in the car,<br />
sweetie.<br />
Can we try a helicopter?<br />
Winds are too high.<br />
The chopper would burn in minutes.<br />
What's the problem?<br />
Kids, get back.<br />
Whatever is happening, you need<br />
help from the Coon. And friends.<br />
Keep the children back, Thompson.<br />
Please, sir...<br />
Sweetie, let the<br />
firemen do their job.<br />
Shut up, mom, God!<br />
Look, up in the sky.<br />
It's him!<br />
My God, it's really him.<br />
He's come to help us.<br />
Captain Hindsight.<br />
Who is Captain Hindsight?<br />
Captain Hindsight,<br />
the hero of the modern age.<br />
Once Northern as Jack Brolin,<br />
a reporter for the national news.<br />
The hero was born when a freak accident<br />
gave him the power of hindsight.<br />
For toxic spills,<br />
there's no task too large for<br />
Captain Hindsight.<br />
Captain Hindsight,<br />
thank God you've come.<br />
What is the skinny?<br />
There's people trapped in that<br />
burning building, Captain Hindsight.<br />
The fire is so massive,<br />
we can't get to them.<br />
See the windows on the right side?<br />
They should have built fire escapes<br />
there for the higher floors<br />
so the people could<br />
have gotten down.<br />
The roof should have been<br />
reinforced so a helicopter could<br />
have landed on it.<br />
Of course.<br />
And the building to the left,<br />
they shouldn't have<br />
built it there.<br />
Now you can't park fire<br />
trucks where you need to.<br />
Looks like my job is done.<br />
Good-bye, everyone!<br />
Thank you, Captain Hindsight.<br />
Thank you!<br />
All right, everyone.<br />
I guess that's it.<br />
Let's pack it up.<br />
Oh, boy, did you hear about<br />
that fire downtown, Sharon?<br />
Oh, my gosh, yes.<br />
They said like 14 people died.<br />
It's just ridiculous to me<br />
that didn't build fire<br />
scapes on the upper floors.<br />
Ridiculous.<br />
I know.<br />
If you ask me, they should have<br />
built a roof with enough support<br />
to land a helicopter.<br />
Hello!<br />
You guys are just repeating<br />
what that Hindsight guy said.<br />
Yes.<br />
He's our protector and guardian.<br />
We're thankful he was<br />
there for the fire.<br />
Now we can eat in peace.<br />
Coon and friends alert!<br />
Coon and friends alert.<br />
Who the hell is that?<br />
Alert, guys. I'm serious.<br />
Mom, dad, I finished dinner.<br />
Can I go to my room?<br />
Sure, Stan.<br />
How did that get there, Randy?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Take it down.<br />
It's noisy.<br />
I can't. I don't know what<br />
happened to all my tools.<br />
All right. Toolshed is here.<br />
We can start.<br />
Who said you could put a big<br />
siren in my parents house?<br />
Yeah.<br />
I got in trouble for it.<br />
The Coon has to signal his friends<br />
when a catastrophe breaks out.<br />
What have the catastrophe?<br />
Did you not see<br />
that Hindsight guy?<br />
Yeah.<br />
So there's a big super hero<br />
out there and he's not<br />
part of Coon and friends.<br />
Jesus.<br />
I looked into it.<br />
This Captain Hindsight<br />
is everywhere.<br />
He's like this butt hole scab.<br />
He has to join us.<br />
Fellows, could you let me out?<br />
It's been like six days.<br />
You're not going anywhere, Chaos.<br />
Yeah.<br />
You only gave me this bucket<br />
to poop in and it's full.<br />
I don't have anything to eat.<br />
You have poop, don't you?<br />
How can we get him to join us?<br />
Who cares if he's not<br />
part of Coon and friends?<br />
I care.<br />
We have to wait to the next disaster<br />
and beat Hindsight to the scene.<br />
There's not going to<br />
be a worse disaster.<br />
What could be worse than a<br />
fire that killed 14 people?<br />
All right.<br />
This looks like a<br />
jolly good place.<br />
Yes.<br />
Let her rip!<br />
That's it, lad.<br />
Collect that oil.<br />
Oh, yeah!<br />
Oh, don't tell me we did it again!<br />
Coon and friends alert!<br />
All Coon friends report to base.<br />
I'm serious.<br />
Coon and friends alert!<br />
Good, you're all here.<br />
Take a look at this.<br />
Coon volume up.<br />
It's a scene of utter<br />
despair and catastrophe.<br />
Oil from the ocean is spilling<br />
out out of control and the<br />
rescue effort seems futile.<br />
It's horrible.<br />
We can't stop the oil from<br />
contaminating everything.<br />
Our home is full of sludge.<br />
There's a loogie my scrimp.<br />
Look at all that oil on my scrimp.<br />
Another oil could be<br />
devastation for the gulf.<br />
We have to help those people.<br />
Yes.<br />
This is a child for<br />
Coon and friends.<br />
Let's pack the gulf<br />
full of flavor.<br />
Wait, look.<br />
It's Captain Hindsight.<br />
Oh, no!<br />
What seems to be the problem?<br />
It's that BP oil rig.<br />
It drilled into a marine sanctuary<br />
and the environment<br />
is being poisoned.<br />
If we can't stop it,<br />
the spill could reach New Orleans.<br />
All right.<br />
You see where that<br />
rig is drilling?<br />
Yes.<br />
It's in too deep of water.<br />
They shouldn't have drilled in<br />
that deep of water because now<br />
they can't get machines deep<br />
enough to fix the spill.<br />
Yes, yes.<br />
Now if it's a valve that ruptured,<br />
they should have installed a<br />
back up valve in case that broke.<br />
I believe they did,<br />
Captain Hindsight.<br />
Right.<br />
Then they should have had<br />
a back up safety valve<br />
to that backup safety valve.<br />
He's right.<br />
My work is done.<br />
I'm off to find others in need.<br />
Thank you, Captain Hindsight.<br />
God bless you!<br />
Can I help you?<br />
I understand this is where<br />
Captain Hindsight lives?<br />
Yes.<br />
I need to speak with him, please.<br />
The Captain is very busy dealing<br />
with the gulf oil crisis.<br />
I believe I have something that can help<br />
him deal with that oil crisis, sir.<br />
Mr. Hindsight, sir, this<br />
young man would like a word.<br />
Please, sit down,<br />
what can I do for you?<br />
Mr. Hindsight, I represent<br />
some very high profile people.<br />
I've been asked to give<br />
you some exciting news.<br />
You have been preapproved to<br />
become the newest member<br />
of Coon and friends.<br />
Of what?<br />
I know the Coon personally.<br />
Can tell you being a Coon<br />
is the highest honor.<br />
As you can see in the papers,<br />
your first three months<br />
of dues have been waived.<br />
This must be majorly<br />
exciting for you.<br />
Captain Hindsight, come in.<br />
Go ahead.<br />
The oil keeps coming up.<br />
We have other rigs catching fire.<br />
They should have hosed down the<br />
other rigs when the spill began.<br />
That shouldn't have happened.<br />
Thank you.<br />
Captain Hindsight,<br />
the dolphins are dying.<br />
Get down to the volunteers<br />
and tell them they should have<br />
used a nonbleaching cleanser.<br />
Yes.<br />
Commissioner, tell the<br />
commissioner he shouldn't have<br />
sent pictures of his shlong.<br />
It's not a blessing, it's a curse.<br />
So anyways, if you wanted to<br />
start filling out the form,<br />
we'll get you enrolled in<br />
Coon and friends right away.<br />
I'm sorry, kid.<br />
I work alone.<br />
The problem with that is there's a super<br />
hero union called Coon and friends.<br />
If you refuse to be a part<br />
of that union, you're a scab.<br />
Get this kid out of here.<br />
I have to think.<br />
You'll be hearing from...<br />
the Coon's lawyer, sir!<br />
The BP oil spill in the gulf<br />
continues to get worse every day.<br />
As public anger towards the BP<br />
company grows, their president<br />
released this statement.<br />
Hello.<br />
I'm Tony Hayward.<br />
President and CEO of BP.<br />
Our accidental drilling spill<br />
in the gulf is a tragedy that<br />
should have never happened.<br />
To all those affected,<br />
I want to say<br />
we are deeply sorry.<br />
We're sorry.<br />
We're sorry.<br />
We're sorry.<br />
Sorry.<br />
BP is taking full responsibility<br />
for cleaning up the<br />
spill in the gulf.<br />
In doing so,<br />
we have changed our name<br />
to beyond petroleum to<br />
dependable petroleum.<br />
BP, we no longer the earth,<br />
we BP it.<br />
Gentlemen, my attempts to<br />
recruit Captain Hindsight into<br />
Coon and friends has<br />
been unsuccessful.<br />
I've come up with a solution.<br />
Coon vision on.<br />
All we need to do is get<br />
pictures of Captain Hindsight<br />
naked with Courtney Love.<br />
We'll tell him if he doesn't join us,<br />
we'll put them on the Internet.<br />
How do we get the pictures?<br />
Simple.<br />
We dress Professor Chaos<br />
up as Courtney Love.<br />
Take pictures of him naked with a<br />
homeless guy and photo shop it.<br />
Oh, me?<br />
Don't make me be Courtney Love.<br />
We have to get to work fast.<br />
Coon and friends ho!<br />
You want us to take pictures<br />
to blackmail Captain Hindsight.<br />
That's because you<br />
have a small brain.<br />
What is going on in the gulf is<br />
more important than blackmail.<br />
Who cares?<br />
Mosquito has a good plain.<br />
Hear him out.<br />
My true identity is secret.<br />
We all have a say in<br />
this organization.<br />
Let Mosquito talk.<br />
All right.<br />
How do you want to help people<br />
suffering in the gulf crisis?<br />
We can help raise money by<br />
having a bake sale. A bake sale?<br />
I have a recipe from<br />
lemon bars from my mom.<br />
We can wear costumes<br />
and solemn Monday bars.<br />
We're super heroes,<br />
not girl scouts.<br />
Those people need help.<br />
Sometimes helping in<br />
smaller ways work.<br />
It would help taking<br />
pictures of butters.<br />
Shot up.<br />
You're not anything.<br />
That's another thinking.<br />
No more picking on<br />
Mintberry Crunch.<br />
Are you the boss now?<br />
No.<br />
But we're all equal.<br />
From now on, we vote.<br />
Who wants to go with my plan?<br />
Sounds awesome.<br />
Let's do it.<br />
To the grocery store!<br />
As we walked along the road<br />
to the grocery store, any Coon<br />
sense startle tingling.<br />
Something is wrong.<br />
I knew I must act.<br />
A Coon must know when<br />
to defend itself.<br />
We're back to normal.<br />
Just like before and all forgotten,<br />
right, right?<br />
Right, right.<br />
Right.<br />
So what's next for<br />
Coon and friends?<br />
Another crisis in the gulf of<br />
Mexico as the oil company BP has<br />
once again made a huge error.<br />
This time the oil company has accidentally<br />
ripped a hole into another dimension.<br />
The oil company stated they knew<br />
another dimension was there<br />
but didn't think drilling<br />
into it would be problematic.<br />
Now hundreds of creatures from<br />
another dimension are spilling<br />
out into our reality<br />
and wreaking havoc.<br />
Hello.<br />
I'm Tony Hayward.<br />
CEO of BP.<br />
Tearing a hole into another<br />
dimension is a tragedy that<br />
should have never happened.<br />
And as CEO, I would like to say,<br />
we're sorry.<br />
Captain Hindsight, sir?<br />
Calls for help are pouring in,<br />
you have to get out to the gulf.<br />
I can't help anyone right now.<br />
Something came up.<br />
What, sir?<br />
You know you can tell me.<br />
Do you remember last week when<br />
I got really, really drunk?<br />
Yes, sir.<br />
Look at those photos on the desk.<br />
My God is that you and Courtney Love?<br />
Of course, it's Courtney Love.<br />
But when did you...<br />
I don't remember.<br />
That's just the point.<br />
I get drunk and I<br />
don't remember things.<br />
I shouldn't have drank that much.<br />
And I shouldn't<br />
have missed alcohol.<br />
Alcohol shouldn't be legal.<br />
Oh, it's maddening!<br />
It doesn't matter now, sir.<br />
People are getting hurt in the<br />
gulf and they need to know what<br />
they could have done.<br />
I should have never kept that<br />
bottle of MacAllen in the pantry.<br />
Shouldn't have gotten...<br />
Sir, sir!<br />
Creatures from another dimension<br />
wreak havoc in the gulf.<br />
The question everybody is asking<br />
is where is Captain Hindsight.<br />
Where are you, Captain Hindsight!<br />
Speaking cajun ***.<br />
With Captain Hindsight missing<br />
who can save the gulf now?<br />
I've done it.<br />
Hindsight is taken care of.<br />
Now the country can be<br />
made of Coon and friends.<br />
There's more important<br />
things to discuss right now.<br />
Right, Toolshed.<br />
How do we deal with these<br />
creatures from another dimension?<br />
Hey, we need to discuss<br />
things with what?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Tupperware, you tell him.<br />
I don't want to tell him.<br />
I'll tell him.<br />
Coon, I'm sorry but we're kicking<br />
you out of Coon and friends.<br />
You're kicking me out<br />
of Coon and friends?<br />
We voted. It's unanimous.<br />
You can't kick me out<br />
of Coon and friends.<br />
I'm the Coon.<br />
You believe that you have your<br />
goals and doing things and<br />
they conflict with<br />
what we want to do.<br />
But we get the headquarters<br />
and the equipment.<br />
You don't keep anything.<br />
This is my basement and I'll<br />
tell my mom on you guys.<br />
We discussed with him.<br />
Mrs. Cartman?<br />
Yes.<br />
Please escort him out.<br />
Mom, what the are you doing?<br />
Eric, you do not<br />
beat up your friends.<br />
I told you I've had<br />
it with your language.<br />
Your punishment is your friends<br />
will play super heroes without you.<br />
Go to your room.<br />
You have to be kidding me.<br />
We have missed up this time.<br />
It's going to take more than<br />
another I'm sorry campaign to<br />
please everyone this time.<br />
What a right pickle we're in.<br />
There is no way to cut the<br />
dimensional portal, I'm afraid.<br />
The swells are too much<br />
to get any machines in.<br />
Wait a tick.<br />
Currents and swells, that's it.<br />
I know how to fix it.<br />
Oh, by Jove.<br />
We drill.<br />
Of course.<br />
Good idea.<br />
Of course.<br />
I believe that if we drilled<br />
on the moon, changing its<br />
pull on the ocean swells,<br />
we could cut the<br />
dimensional spill.<br />
I don't quite get it.<br />
We got into this mess by<br />
drilling here and here.<br />
Now we need to drill here.<br />
That looks extremely promising.<br />
Our environment should<br />
stabilize if it's getting<br />
drilled here, here and<br />
here at the same time.<br />
The seismic forces<br />
will be massive.<br />
Do you think the moon can take it?<br />
Oh, she'll take it.<br />
The BP oil company today<br />
drilled into the moon and<br />
appears to have caused<br />
even greater problems.<br />
I have a feeling we bet<br />
get into our costumes.<br />
The BP oil company has had<br />
another drilling accident.<br />
This time they have appeared to<br />
unleash the dark<br />
and mighty Cthulu.<br />
The rise of Cthulu from another<br />
dimension brings about 3,000<br />
years of darkness, Tom.<br />
Where we will all be driven to<br />
madness and made to serve<br />
as Cthulu's slaves.<br />
The president of BP oil<br />
released this press statement.<br />
As president of want<br />
to say we're sorry.<br />
I'm deeply sorry.<br />
Sorry.<br />
Praise the dark Cthulu,<br />
long may he rein.<br />
Let's get to the gulf!<br />
Darkness has taken over our town.<br />
The Coon friends have<br />
given in to evil.<br />
Sync by YYeTs.net<br />
www.addic7ed.com</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-62743488119856665152012-01-03T00:39:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:39:28.216-08:00S14E10 Insheeption<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
So then the guy hits the paint<br />
ball bottle with his stick<br />
and it goes right in his mouth.<br />
Stan, I have a note for you.<br />
Wendy said to give you this.<br />
I'm like a mail man.<br />
What's it say?<br />
"We need to talk."<br />
Eh, when a chick says,<br />
"we need to talk"<br />
you might as well start punching<br />
yourself in the balls, dude.<br />
Are you sure he has<br />
a problem, Wendy?<br />
Yes. I read all about it.<br />
It's a real disease<br />
called hoarding.<br />
People who can't<br />
throw anything away.<br />
They keep living in<br />
deeper and deeper filth<br />
and the folks around them<br />
can't take it anymore.<br />
Is something wrong, Wendy?<br />
Stan, we need to talk<br />
about your locker.<br />
My locker?<br />
Every time I see the condition<br />
it's in, I want to cry.<br />
It just keeps getting<br />
messier and messier.<br />
I think you have a problemment<br />
are you serious?<br />
It's so full of junk,<br />
it takes you forever to find something<br />
and lately you have been asking<br />
to keep things in my locker.<br />
It's just a little messy.<br />
No, it's called hoarding and<br />
if you don't get help I don't know<br />
how much longer I can be with you.<br />
Can we throw stuff<br />
in your locker away?<br />
All right.<br />
I've hired experts to help you.<br />
We'll make this as<br />
easy as possible, Stan.<br />
My name is Dr. chinstrap.<br />
I'm a hoarding specialist.<br />
We're going to help Stan<br />
clean out his locker.<br />
We're going to go ahead and<br />
see inside your locker, Stan.<br />
What? Come on. It's not that bad.<br />
As part of Stan's therapy,<br />
we need to make sure we don't throw<br />
away anything he doesn't want us to.<br />
Stan needs to feed like he's in control<br />
or his psychosis will come out.<br />
My psychosis?<br />
It isn't that big a deal.<br />
I'll throw some stuff away.<br />
How about we start with this?<br />
That's my pencil box.<br />
I need my pencil box.<br />
We'll put that on the floor.<br />
How about this.<br />
Broken toothbrush.<br />
It's good to have that<br />
because sometimes I really want<br />
to brush after lunch and I...<br />
but it's broken.<br />
But it works perfectly fine.<br />
Ok, broken toothbox goes<br />
right by the pencil box.<br />
How about this.<br />
Old sandwich in a<br />
baggy full of maggots.<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
3¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
I might need it if<br />
I ever have to...<br />
the maggots are crawling down my<br />
hand and bietding my wrist, Stan.<br />
Can we throw this away...<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
how about this empty<br />
aspirin bottle?<br />
No, don't throw that out.<br />
Can we throw up one of<br />
these wadded up papers?<br />
Something could be<br />
written on them.<br />
Give me back my sandwich.<br />
Dude, what's wrong with you?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Maybe you should talk<br />
to the counselor.<br />
Stan, as your counselor,<br />
I'm here to help you with<br />
whatever problems<br />
you might have, ok?<br />
What is the matter?<br />
Well, my friends are worried that<br />
I'm showing signs of hoarding.<br />
Hoarding? Ok. What's that?<br />
Well, apparently it's when<br />
you don't throw anything away<br />
and soon you find yourself<br />
living with a bunch of junk.<br />
I haven't heard of that but<br />
it definitely sounds bad, ok.<br />
Mr. mackey, is there anything<br />
maybe you want to talk about?<br />
Me?<br />
Like what?<br />
Well, like you've got an old milk<br />
carton here from a month ago...<br />
don't you touch that,<br />
that's not something<br />
to throw that away.<br />
If you throw that away I will<br />
rape you in the mouth,<br />
I will rape you in your mouth, ok?<br />
There is no doubt about it,<br />
the school counselor here<br />
is a class five hoarder.<br />
As for your son,<br />
Mr. and Mrs. marsh,<br />
he's easily class three.<br />
Why is Mr. mackey doing this now?<br />
Our son has always<br />
been fairly clean.<br />
We don't know a lot about<br />
what causes hoarding<br />
but we do know it relates<br />
to a psychological trauma.<br />
If it's ok with you<br />
we would like to<br />
run tests on both of them.<br />
Is that necessary for Stan?<br />
It's just his locker.<br />
I don't know if you realize how<br />
serious locker hoarding is.<br />
It can lead to room hoarding,<br />
house hoarding and in some cases<br />
people hoard animals like cats.<br />
Like that weird guy<br />
on burgess road,<br />
that guy, Mr. yelman, he's been<br />
hoarding animals for years now.<br />
Oh, no, really?<br />
Mr. yelman, we have<br />
heard disturbing reports<br />
that you might be hoarding sheep.<br />
Well, that is, a...<br />
it's ok, Mr. yelman,<br />
I'm a hoarding specialist.<br />
What you have is an illness.<br />
Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. marsh,<br />
Dr. chinstrap is a professional<br />
at memory regression.<br />
This should prove very helpful.<br />
All right, everyone,<br />
we are all here to face the<br />
disease of hoarding together.<br />
Nothing to be ashamed of.<br />
Everyone here has the same problem<br />
whether it's office hoarding,<br />
or in the locker,<br />
or even the hoarding of animals.<br />
Excuse me,<br />
but I am a sheep herder.<br />
It's pronounced hoarder,<br />
and yes, you are.<br />
But I'm actually herding sheep.<br />
You are hoarding sheem by<br />
herding them, aren't you?<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
3¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
4¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
5¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
we're going to be doing<br />
regression therapy.<br />
I'll take you deep<br />
into your memories.<br />
Into your past.<br />
That sounds like it could be bad.<br />
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.<br />
I want the three of you to relax<br />
and think about a cloud.<br />
A lone cloud.<br />
Floating.<br />
Changing.<br />
Light.<br />
Cool air.<br />
Blowing the cloud.<br />
Float...<br />
what?<br />
Sorry, I've got a weird<br />
gas bubble for a second.<br />
Anyway, a lone cloud.<br />
Floating.<br />
Wisps of cool air.<br />
Now the cloud is near you.<br />
You reach out to it.<br />
It's the cloud of your memories.<br />
Of your past.<br />
Your childhood, perhaps.<br />
What do you see in the cloud?<br />
Who is in the cloud?<br />
Really...<br />
Billy, Billy Thompson?<br />
There he is.<br />
Here, mackey.<br />
Oh, hi, Billy.<br />
Nice to see you, ok.<br />
Come here.<br />
Actually, need to get home.<br />
You snitched and told the<br />
principal I was smoking.<br />
Oh, well, smokey's...<br />
Smoking's bad,<br />
you're going to die, mackey.<br />
Hold his legs.<br />
No.<br />
Come back here.<br />
Ok, ok, ok, let go, it's ok,<br />
it's ok.<br />
Xxx<br />
wait.<br />
What am I doing here?<br />
Be quiet.<br />
Excuse me. Where are we?<br />
You've got to be quiet.<br />
Billy Thompson's out there.<br />
What the hell is going on?<br />
What the hell is going on?<br />
The counsel's flat up reader's calculating<br />
with the boy's and the sheep hoarder's.<br />
Xxx<br />
ooo<br />
it means Mr. mackey's<br />
childhood regression dream<br />
is so vivid it sucked the<br />
other two patients into it.<br />
I'm afraid your son has gone<br />
into his counselor's dream.<br />
That's stupid.<br />
How is that even possible?<br />
It's not stupid at all.<br />
Pinkerton, you explain the logic<br />
and I'll describe the background.<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
it is possible to enter<br />
into someone else's dreams.<br />
Send dream trackers to go<br />
into a person a subconscious<br />
like a spy seeing their<br />
dreams as they see them,<br />
perhaps even planting ideas.<br />
If one person is<br />
regressing deeply enough,<br />
the dream can envelope<br />
those dreaming around<br />
the first person I talked<br />
about who is dreaming<br />
and then everyone in the dream<br />
would be in danger<br />
of never coming back.<br />
My bedroom.<br />
That's my happy place.<br />
Mr. mackey.<br />
Xxx<br />
what rhymes with lab rat?<br />
Aaa<br />
this is a lab ratment<br />
like a bird, ok, clown, ok.<br />
Xxx<br />
my evel knievel doll.<br />
I take the motorcycle,<br />
put it on the thingy like this,<br />
crank it up, let it go.<br />
Ok.<br />
This might be fun for you<br />
but it totally isn't for me.<br />
Look what's on. It's zoom.<br />
I need to get back to my sheep.<br />
I'm working on it.<br />
Write zoom z double o.M.<br />
Box 350, Boston, mass, 02134.<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
you can hide in your<br />
house for now, mackey,<br />
tomorrow it's a field trip.<br />
Xxx<br />
and I'm going to do things<br />
to you you will never forget.<br />
Xxx<br />
I'm sorry about the smoking thing.<br />
See you in the woods<br />
tomorrow, dead man.<br />
Oh, Jesus.<br />
Is that why we're here<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
what kind of hoarding<br />
specialist are you?<br />
You trapped our son in his<br />
counselor's subconscious<br />
and now you're saying<br />
he could die in there?<br />
Believe me, this is the last<br />
thing I wanted to have happen.<br />
That does it.<br />
What are you doing?<br />
I'm going in.<br />
If they're locked in his<br />
regression maybe I can be too.<br />
Xxx<br />
mackey is in a difficult state.<br />
Ooo<br />
aaa<br />
it's a dream world where mackey can<br />
imagine himself to be anything.<br />
It's dangerous.<br />
I said, get me in there.<br />
All right. You want to<br />
risk your ass, fine.<br />
You see a cloud, a Fluffy cloud,<br />
happy, Fluffy cloud.<br />
You reach out to it.<br />
All right, kids,<br />
everyone on the bus.<br />
Where are we now?<br />
It's the day of the<br />
big field trip.<br />
Come on, mackey,<br />
we're waiting for you.<br />
Xxx<br />
Mr. mackey, I have to wake up.<br />
Aaa<br />
I need to have my own<br />
regression therapy.<br />
On the bus now we're running late.<br />
I'm a sheep herder.<br />
It's pronounced hoarder,<br />
young man,<br />
and if you are then you should talk<br />
to the school counselor about it.<br />
Xxx<br />
ooo<br />
son.<br />
Dad, is that you?<br />
Yes, it's me, Stan.<br />
Where are you?<br />
It's me, up here.<br />
I'm a butterfly.<br />
What the hell are you doing, dad?<br />
I'm flying free with my<br />
beautiful butterfly wings.<br />
Did you come here to help me?<br />
I was but this is fun.<br />
You've got to stop mackey and<br />
bring us back to reality.<br />
Butterflies have no concern<br />
for such things, Stan.<br />
I'm going to go find<br />
me some butterfly poon.<br />
Dad.<br />
Something is wrong.<br />
What is it? The father.<br />
He's gone completely off chart.<br />
Off chart? What does that mean?<br />
We don't even know.<br />
I told him not to go into<br />
the dream after his son.<br />
He should have waited for<br />
the experts to get here.<br />
Who are the experts?<br />
Get that door closed.<br />
Keep me covered.<br />
Good. You're here.<br />
What's the sitch?<br />
Four people stuck in his dream.<br />
We need to move them to<br />
the next dream level.<br />
Xxx<br />
what next dream level?<br />
They're trapped in a dream,<br />
we need to put them under<br />
so they can go into a<br />
dream within a dream.<br />
Because in the dream<br />
within a dream<br />
we can protect them<br />
from getting to limbo.<br />
Xxx<br />
ooo<br />
like a nightmare win a nightmare.<br />
Why can't you wake up from that?<br />
You can but someone inside<br />
has to wake you up<br />
from the nightmare.<br />
That sounds difficult.<br />
It is.<br />
Aaa<br />
zzz<br />
you're going to take my son<br />
to a dream within the<br />
dream and then what?<br />
Then we go into your<br />
husband's dream.<br />
Your husband will go<br />
to hasselbeck street.<br />
Who is hasselbeck?<br />
I am.<br />
Why do we need a football player?<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
are you saying you<br />
can go into a dream<br />
and take people from that<br />
dream into their own dream?<br />
Not this time just once.<br />
Xxx<br />
it's so complex and cool.<br />
Just because an idea is overly<br />
convoluted doesn't make it cool.<br />
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá<br />
you don't get it because<br />
you're not smart enough.<br />
Let's move.<br />
Will they be able<br />
to wake mackey up?<br />
If they don't, it will be the<br />
end of Europe as we know it.<br />
Why?<br />
Because.<br />
Hello, kids.<br />
My name is ranger Pete.<br />
Hi, ranger Pete.<br />
Ok.<br />
Today we're going to<br />
be learning all about<br />
the amazing evergreens and<br />
the fabulous ecosystem.<br />
That should be fun, mkay.<br />
First we have a<br />
very special guest.<br />
It's woodsy owl.<br />
Oh, boy, woodsy owl.<br />
Who is that?<br />
Give a hoot, don't pollute.<br />
I'm woodsy owl reminding you<br />
to pick up your trash and<br />
keep our forests clean.<br />
In the city or in the woods...<br />
help keep America looking good<br />
I love that sound.<br />
Time to split up and<br />
go into the forest,<br />
divide you up into groups of six.<br />
We want to be in mackey's group.<br />
That's ok.<br />
Xxx<br />
you can team up and<br />
be our first group in.<br />
Oh, here it comes, mkay.<br />
Is this the dream?<br />
Or the dream within the dream?<br />
I think it's the dream inside<br />
the matrix inside the dream.<br />
What's shooting?<br />
What the...<br />
mommy, mommy.<br />
You're saying that all<br />
those people in there<br />
are somehow trapped<br />
in one person's dream?<br />
Yes, so that's why I<br />
called the fire department.<br />
I don't know where else to turn.<br />
But wait.<br />
If those people got stuck<br />
in there why wouldn't we?<br />
It's very simple.<br />
When the dream experts<br />
go in they attempt<br />
to take the subject to<br />
a dream within a dream.<br />
Like a taco within a taco?<br />
A double Decker taco supreme.<br />
Exactly.<br />
But only dream spies<br />
have the ability<br />
to go deeper into dream levels<br />
and firemen have the ability<br />
to bring ladders into<br />
other people's dreams.<br />
How can you take a<br />
ladder into a dream?<br />
Because the firemen dreams<br />
aren't like dreams at all.<br />
They're more like a dream<br />
within a matrix within a dream.<br />
Somebody order a pizza?<br />
No. Probably one of<br />
them in the dream.<br />
All right. I'm going in.<br />
If we can get the fire department<br />
into the counselor's dream,<br />
then we can jump everyone<br />
down a little six dream level,<br />
that way we'll be in the<br />
counselor's deepest level of sub...<br />
and it will be like a taco<br />
inside a taco within<br />
xxx<br />
not again, mkay?<br />
Mr. mackey, stop running<br />
itary going to kick my butt,<br />
they're going to kick it bad.<br />
Whatever happened<br />
with those bullies,<br />
you have to stop<br />
running and face it.<br />
Autojust a dream, dude.<br />
You can control what happens.<br />
Stand up to them this time.<br />
I don't remember what they did,<br />
I just remember this field<br />
trip being really bad.<br />
There he is.<br />
Xxx<br />
Mr. mackey, go and face it,<br />
please, so we can get out of here<br />
and find out why we're hoarding.<br />
But I literally herd sheep.<br />
Shut up<br />
xxx<br />
I'm going to stand and<br />
face what happens, mkay?<br />
Somebody.<br />
Order pizza? Pizza?<br />
Mr. mackey must be dreaming<br />
about something<br />
extremely traumatic.<br />
All right. That does it.<br />
Get your coat.<br />
Where are we going?<br />
Wineed to get help from the most<br />
powerful dream infiltrator in the world.<br />
You don't mean.<br />
Hello, Freddie.<br />
You're looking healthy.<br />
Chinstrap.<br />
What happened?<br />
You run out of stoolies<br />
to do your work?<br />
Look, we're in a pickle again<br />
and we need your help.<br />
Got some people trapped<br />
inside a dream.<br />
Told you a long time ago,<br />
I gave that up.<br />
There are some good<br />
men stuck in there.<br />
I said I'm done with it.<br />
Everything all right, Fred?<br />
It's fine, babe,<br />
get back in the house.<br />
Wife and kids.<br />
No thanks to you.<br />
We need you, Fred.<br />
Like you needed me to kill those<br />
teagers to stop the Russians?<br />
We had a country to protect.<br />
Protect it yourself this time.<br />
I'm not working for the<br />
military anymore, krueger.<br />
Then you should have no<br />
problem covering it up.<br />
Some of those trapped are firemen.<br />
Public servants.<br />
Innocent in all of this.<br />
All right, fine.<br />
All right, Billy,<br />
I'm not going to let<br />
you hurt me this time.<br />
This time I'm going to<br />
stand up for myself.<br />
You're going to fight back?<br />
I don't think so.<br />
You can do it, Mr. mackey.<br />
Go ahead and do your work, Billy.<br />
I'm facing you head on.<br />
All right, mackey, take this.<br />
Get the perimeter secure.<br />
Make sure they're dead.<br />
What the hell?<br />
We got them,<br />
the bad memories are dead.<br />
This is the fire department.<br />
Do not panic.<br />
Who are you people?<br />
We came to rescue you from the<br />
bad guys in mackey's dreechlt<br />
wouldn't it be better to have<br />
mackey face them on his own?<br />
No, as long as the source<br />
of the drama is wiped out,<br />
the counselor can wake up.<br />
Why aren't we waking up?<br />
Unless the bullies aren't the source<br />
of the counselor's bad memory.<br />
Dude, that's right, the bowely it<br />
is didn't even beat me up that day.<br />
I ran away from them.<br />
I remember.<br />
I ran and I ran and I hid<br />
in this building here<br />
and somebody was in there,<br />
somebody who talked to me and<br />
then touched me somewhere.<br />
Xxx<br />
don't touch me,<br />
I'll give a hoot, ok?<br />
Woodsy owl, no,<br />
I'll never litter again,<br />
I'll keep all my trash,<br />
no, woodsy, no.<br />
What's happening?<br />
Dream conundrum.<br />
This is bad.<br />
Xxx<br />
the bad memory is<br />
manifesting itself.<br />
It didn't want to be exposed.<br />
Our dream bullets don't hurt it.<br />
No.<br />
No more woodsy.<br />
Mr. mackey,<br />
you have to wake up now.<br />
He can't. Don't you get it?<br />
We're all going to go to limbo.<br />
There is a real hoot<br />
for you, woodsy.<br />
It's dead.<br />
It's finally dead.<br />
Something's happening.<br />
I'm getting bogart levels.<br />
They're waking up.<br />
They're coming to.<br />
You're back, everyone.<br />
Damn it... thanks, Freddy.<br />
If only I could have<br />
saved the sheep herder.<br />
Did you find the source<br />
of your hoarding problems?<br />
I sure did.<br />
Turned out he was<br />
molested by woodsy owl.<br />
I completely blocked it<br />
from my memory, mkay.<br />
He was hoarding because when<br />
he tried to throw things away<br />
his conscious would remember<br />
woodsy's voice saying<br />
give a hoot, and touching<br />
his penis with his wing.<br />
That is so complex, it's cool.<br />
Now we've uncovered<br />
his source of hoarding<br />
we can move on to yours.<br />
Are you ready for your therapy?<br />
I think I have a better idea.<br />
Stan, did you find out the<br />
reason you have been hoarding?<br />
Whatever it is I<br />
don't want to know.<br />
Am throwing this crap away<br />
like I should have to begin with.<br />
But dude, there must be<br />
something in your past<br />
you're not dealing with.<br />
Don't care.<br />
After going througha all that crap<br />
and seeing what<br />
happened to mackey,<br />
I don't want any part of therapy.<br />
How do you know that<br />
wasn't your therapy?<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-71463089848490124982012-01-03T00:38:00.003-08:002012-01-03T00:38:58.177-08:00S14E09 It's a Jersey Thing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Mom, Dad, what's muff cabbage?<br />
- Muff cabbage?<br />
- Where did you hear that?<br />
Muff cabbage.<br />
The new neighbors<br />
next to Stan's house.<br />
We saw the mom get a parking ticket,<br />
and she called the parking cop<br />
muff cabbage.<br />
Muff cabbage.<br />
A new family?<br />
Where are they from?<br />
They're from New Jersey.<br />
A family from New Jersey<br />
moved in next to the Marshes?<br />
They're having them over for diner.<br />
Oh, God!<br />
Sharon!<br />
- Doesn't she know?<br />
- Know what?<br />
Muff cabbage!<br />
Never invite a New Jersey housewife<br />
into your home.<br />
And I met the school principal.<br />
What's her name?<br />
Principal Victoria.<br />
What a stupid bitch.<br />
Excuse my language, but that bitch<br />
needs her fucking head examined.<br />
{pos(192,225)}My family moved from Jersey<br />
to South Park about a week ago.<br />
{pos(192,225)}So far, I can tell<br />
that everyone here really likes me.<br />
I met that Stotch woman.<br />
What's her name?<br />
Linda?<br />
Have you noticed<br />
how yellow that bitch's teeth are?<br />
You can tell she's cabbage.<br />
She's cabbage.<br />
I went to the mall<br />
and just about dropped dead.<br />
The only panties you can buy<br />
make you look like a grandma.<br />
Randy, what gyms are good here?<br />
Where do you work out?<br />
I don't really work out.<br />
I've got fight something,<br />
my biceps are going flat.<br />
Where can you get<br />
good clothes in this town? Nowhere.<br />
That's why you're stuck<br />
wearing garbage like that.<br />
The woman who works<br />
at the hair salon, Julia,<br />
have you seen how big<br />
that bitch's ears are?<br />
Julia is a friend of mine.<br />
Ears out to here.<br />
I tell her,<br />
"You got big ears, sweetie."<br />
I'm not trying to be mean.<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
Why be offended.<br />
You've got a big chin.<br />
We've all got imperfections.<br />
Right, like your eyes<br />
are kind of far apart.<br />
That was totally uncalled for.<br />
For what she did.<br />
My eyes are too far apart?<br />
And like, who is she?<br />
Is she God? No.<br />
You don't ever,<br />
ever, you rat dog,<br />
prostitution whore!<br />
You probably sell your muff for $6.<br />
You fucking psycho bitch!<br />
You're nothing but cabbage.<br />
That's what you are, you're cabbage.<br />
You sick, old woman muff cabbage!<br />
Muff cabbage!<br />
Fuck this psycho bitch.<br />
Let's get the fuck out of here.<br />
She's a fucking pig.<br />
She's fucking pissing me off.<br />
- I love you.<br />
- Take it easy.<br />
I thought I was going to deck her.<br />
I was really fine.<br />
I wanted to get my point across to her,<br />
and that's how I am.<br />
Like, I can be mad one minute,<br />
and then I'll be fine.<br />
All better.<br />
Just had to get that out.<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
So, who wants dessert?<br />
Me!<br />
You do not understand.<br />
Neighbors from Jersey are the worst.<br />
They keep me awake all night.<br />
They're either screaming at each other<br />
or making disgusting sex sounds.<br />
All people from Jersey do<br />
is hump and punch each other.<br />
You know what you do<br />
to make them move away?<br />
Every night,<br />
you take a crap on their doorstep.<br />
Is that why there's crap on my doorstep<br />
every morning?<br />
Busted.<br />
They talk way too loud,<br />
they flip out for no reason,<br />
and every time they act<br />
like selfish assholes, they go,<br />
"It's a Jersey thing."<br />
You're talking about Jersey?<br />
Me and my friends are from Jersey.<br />
More of them?<br />
There are people<br />
from Jersey all over.<br />
Who is from Jersey?<br />
{pos(192,230)}I'm standing there,<br />
I'm like, "Who's from Jersey?"<br />
{pos(192,230)}And people all like, "Yo, woohoo!"<br />
{pos(192,230)}Next thing you know,<br />
Jersey party at Sizzler.<br />
Let's get this party started.<br />
Where the hell are they coming from?<br />
Danielle is being a stupid bitch.<br />
Shut up, Teresa.<br />
You're pathetic.<br />
I'm pathetic?<br />
You're muff cabbage.<br />
Hi, sweetie.<br />
You got to meet our new neighbors.<br />
- This is Jacqueline, she's from Jersey.<br />
- And Sicilian.<br />
That's Danielle, she's from Jersey.<br />
And that's Caroline.<br />
I'm having my face shaved.<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
I'm sorry,<br />
I have other clients in ten minutes.<br />
Can you sit down?<br />
When the salon girl<br />
told Teresa to sit down,<br />
I thought Teresa<br />
was going to bust a tit.<br />
Don't fucking tell me what to do.<br />
I'm a client here.<br />
Teresa, calm down.<br />
I don't have to take your shit.<br />
I'm from Jersey.<br />
Get her, Sharon!<br />
- What?<br />
- Sharon, stay out of it.<br />
Be the bigger person, Sharon.<br />
- You people are crazy.<br />
- Who is crazy?<br />
Are you talking about my family?<br />
Is my family crazy?<br />
Don't you pull my friend's hair,<br />
you bitch.<br />
Let go of her, you piece of trash.<br />
Who the fuck are you<br />
to tell me what to do?<br />
You trashy whores get out of here<br />
and leave her alone.<br />
Psycho bitch!<br />
You're the psycho bitch!<br />
Psycho bitch!<br />
You want to see fucking crazy?<br />
You better step the fuck away,<br />
you wanna see fucking crazy.<br />
You're cabbage.<br />
People of South Park,<br />
we have all noticed a steep rise<br />
in everything Jersey lately.<br />
As many of you already know,<br />
everything east of the Rockies<br />
is now part of New Jersey.<br />
The Jersey Shore now includes<br />
Jacksonville, Miami,<br />
the gulf of Jersey Mexico<br />
and the Jersey islands.<br />
Jesus, why are they doing this?<br />
More people from Jersey<br />
are showing up in our town.<br />
If we don't do something,<br />
South Park is going<br />
to become West Jersey.<br />
Well, that does it.<br />
Let's go tell everyone from Jersey<br />
we don't want them here.<br />
That won't work.<br />
You can't tell people from Jersey<br />
you don't like them.<br />
No matter how obnoxious they are,<br />
they will convince themselves<br />
that you all think they're cool.<br />
How do you know that,<br />
Mrs. Broflovski?<br />
That's when I knew<br />
I had to tell everyone the truth.<br />
That originally,<br />
I'm from Jersey.<br />
Born and raised.<br />
I wasn't even called Sheila back then.<br />
In New Jersey, I was known<br />
as S-Woww Tittybang.<br />
I drank heavily and punched<br />
a lot of bitches in the face.<br />
Living in South Park,<br />
I'm able to control my Jersey side<br />
which doesn't really come out<br />
unless I get around other people<br />
from Jersey.<br />
I'm just hoping that people here<br />
don't judge me for it<br />
or somehow hold it against me.<br />
Who are you talking to?<br />
You wouldn't understand.<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
You ain't getting by that way.<br />
Hey, dudes.<br />
Look what the cat<br />
threw up in the litter box.<br />
Come on, we don't want to be seen<br />
hanging around him.<br />
- What are you talking about?<br />
- We heard the news.<br />
- Your mom is from Jersey.<br />
- So what?<br />
So what?<br />
That makes you from Jersey.<br />
- No, it doesn't.<br />
- He's from Jersey. Get away from him.<br />
I'm not from Jersey.<br />
I was born here.<br />
Don't try and deny it.<br />
You're one of them,<br />
and by my accounts that's strike three.<br />
What's strike three?<br />
You are a ginger,<br />
a Jew and from Jersey.<br />
That's three strikes.<br />
You're out.<br />
Shut the fuck up.<br />
- What?<br />
- Did you know she was from Jersey?<br />
- Why does it matter?<br />
- It just explains a lot.<br />
My God!<br />
He's even starting to look<br />
like he's from Jersey.<br />
- His skin is turning orange.<br />
- No, it isn't.<br />
Yes, it is.<br />
It's getting oranger.<br />
Because his mom's a Jersey asshole<br />
doesn't mean he is.<br />
You do what you want.<br />
As for me, you're a heartless,<br />
backstabbing Jersey boy,<br />
and I shan't be playing basketball<br />
with the likes of you.<br />
And I'm going to start crapping<br />
on your doorstep a lot more.<br />
Couldn't be.<br />
My God.<br />
- You're in there?<br />
- Hold on.<br />
- Not right now.<br />
- Open the door.<br />
Not now, please.<br />
This instant.<br />
One...<br />
- Two...<br />
- All right.<br />
I guess we need to talk.<br />
I know this has to be<br />
very upsetting for you.<br />
What am I?<br />
When I got pregnant with you,<br />
your father and I were living<br />
with my parents in Newark.<br />
We knew we had to get out.<br />
Neither one of us wanted our child<br />
to be from Jersey,<br />
so we moved,<br />
as far away as we could.<br />
But now, I realize you can take<br />
the fetus out of Jersey,<br />
but you can't take Jersey<br />
out of the fetus.<br />
What are you saying?<br />
I'm saying<br />
that for the first two months<br />
I carried you in my stomach,<br />
I lived in Newark.<br />
Technically, you are from Jersey.<br />
- I don't want to look like this.<br />
- It isn't so bad.<br />
A lot of people<br />
think the Jersey look is nice.<br />
I can hide it.<br />
Nobody ever has to know.<br />
I can't ever let anybody know.<br />
<i>Live from St. Louis, New Jersey,<br />
it's the Jersey News,<br />
<i>with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi.<br />
What's up, New Jersey.<br />
It's the evening news.<br />
Our top story tonight,<br />
many Jersey people<br />
are freaking pissed<br />
after a small town in Colorado<br />
got all agro<br />
on some decent Jersey folks.<br />
For more on the story,<br />
we go to Chicago.<br />
{pos(192,220)}People here<br />
in Chicago, New Jersey, are riled up.<br />
Apparently,<br />
a town called South Park,<br />
which is at the border<br />
of Denver, New Jersey,<br />
is discriminating<br />
against people from Jersey.<br />
They won't sell houses<br />
to people from New Jersey,<br />
and they're making<br />
all the ones who moved in move out,<br />
and they're taking down<br />
all the Jersey owned shops.<br />
These people got a beef with Jersey.<br />
What's up with that?<br />
What's up with that?<br />
We are coming after you, South Park.<br />
We fight discrimination.<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
Governor,<br />
you have to send your troops<br />
to join us in this fight.<br />
We're just a small town.<br />
We can't stop New Jersey on our own.<br />
We are very sorry,<br />
but California<br />
cannot afford helping you at this time.<br />
Can't you see that if we fall,<br />
California is next?<br />
Because Utah<br />
is between Colorado and California.<br />
Fine, but when Utah is taken over,<br />
then who is next?<br />
Nevada.<br />
Really?<br />
OK, Mr. I'm awesome at geography.<br />
What are you doing?<br />
My dad said<br />
to distribute all these guns.<br />
We're going to let him stand here?<br />
He could easily be a spy.<br />
I told you, I'm not one of them.<br />
I don't want to live in West Jersey<br />
any more than you.<br />
- Overcompensating a little, aren't we?<br />
- That's enough.<br />
You're tainted with the three Js,<br />
Jewish, Jersey and Jinger.<br />
Admit it.<br />
I'm not one of them.<br />
Do you understand me?<br />
You better get that to your fat head.<br />
I will never be one of them,<br />
and if you say it again,<br />
I'll smash your fucking teeth in.<br />
Hurt my throat,<br />
because he push it right here,<br />
and the back of my head<br />
hit the tree,<br />
He was barking, and he scratched it.<br />
Did you see the scratch?<br />
Emperor Akishino,<br />
we need Japan's help.<br />
Fine, but you Japs<br />
will all be eating hoagies in a month.<br />
Nobody is going to help us.<br />
We're on our own.<br />
We can't take on all of Jersey.<br />
We have to find support.<br />
There is no support.<br />
Every ally America had is...<br />
Wait a minute.<br />
When the threat is great enough,<br />
you turn to your enemies for help.<br />
What are you talking about?<br />
We could ask Al-Qaeda.<br />
Ask Al-Qaeda for help?<br />
After what they did to us?<br />
Maybe it's time<br />
we put our differences aside.<br />
What about the families<br />
of the victims of 9/11?<br />
Their feelings matter<br />
for another ten months, damn it.<br />
We got a problem.<br />
You got to get down to the bar.<br />
There is trouble.<br />
- People from Jersey?<br />
- I don't know what the hell I saw.<br />
It tore a whole in my meat locker,<br />
smashed a cigarette machine in half.<br />
Come out, now,<br />
make it easy on yourself.<br />
It's one of them.<br />
That thing's from Jersey too.<br />
- What is it?<br />
- It's called a Snooki.<br />
It's very famous.<br />
That thing is famous?<br />
- Why?<br />
- I don't know.<br />
What are we waiting for?<br />
Let's kill it.<br />
Don't let it get away.<br />
Where is it?<br />
Who is that?<br />
Get it off of me.<br />
Shoot it.<br />
So then he grabs my throat,<br />
and he slams my head into a tree,<br />
and then he screams,<br />
"I'll smash your teeth in."<br />
My head is gashed open.<br />
Kyle did that?<br />
Gee whiz.<br />
He's getting worse.<br />
The Jersey in him is coming out.<br />
I don't see any other choice.<br />
We have lock him<br />
in the meat freezer at Sizzler.<br />
What's up?<br />
It's kind of nice out tonight, huh?<br />
He has to be put away,<br />
and he has to be put away now.<br />
- Are you being serious?<br />
- This is very serious.<br />
But locking Kyle in a meat freezer,<br />
he could die.<br />
If he does, too bad.<br />
Did you see the scratch on my head?<br />
Did you smell raspberries?<br />
I smell raspberries.<br />
We need to do this now.<br />
At some point,<br />
he might start suspecting something.<br />
<i>Hello, Mr. Bin Laden.<br />
<i>My name is Randy,<br />
<i>and I'm a geologist in America.<br />
<i>I know that America<br />
isn't your favorite place in the world,<br />
<i>but darn it, we need your help.<br />
<i>We are trying to stop our entire country<br />
from becoming New Jersey.<br />
<i>If we do not succeed,<br />
<i>Jersey will spread to Japan,<br />
Russia, and eventually, to you.<br />
<i>You have seen countless horrors<br />
in your lifetime, Mr. Bin Laden,<br />
<i>and you have witnessed<br />
the very worst of mankind.<br />
<i>Now, I ask you to watch this.<br />
Come on, hurry.<br />
- What are we doing at Sizzler?<br />
- You won't believe it.<br />
<i>- It's a miracle.<br />
- What kind of fucking miracle?<br />
Jesus answered our prayers.<br />
It's so cool.<br />
It's right there in the meat locker.<br />
Kyle, go check it out.<br />
- Why?<br />
- Go see why. It's a Jesus miracle.<br />
You want to lock me in there,<br />
because you think I'm one of them.<br />
Seriously.<br />
- You won't trap me.<br />
- Trap you?<br />
It's actually...<br />
Lights!<br />
It's a trap.<br />
Get him to the meat locker.<br />
What are you doing?<br />
Back away.<br />
This is for the safety of all of us.<br />
Sorry, but you can't be trusted.<br />
Fine, Cartman,<br />
you really want me in there...<br />
What is that behind you?<br />
Do we really have to resort to that?<br />
I'm serious.<br />
What is that behind you?<br />
You ginger Jersey Jew.<br />
Your tactics won't work on me.<br />
Snooki want smush-smush.<br />
What the fuck<br />
is that thing behind me?<br />
The Jersey people are advancing.<br />
Where is Randy?<br />
He's still questioning<br />
that new prisoner.<br />
All right, Mr. Situation,<br />
we'll try this again.<br />
Why are you doing this?<br />
But I told you.<br />
It's just a Jersey thing.<br />
What does that mean?<br />
You just don't understand.<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
- Stop playing stupid.<br />
- Maybe he really is stupid.<br />
Nobody is this stupid.<br />
What are you people planning?<br />
It's just a Jersey thing.<br />
You've got to be<br />
from Jersey to get it.<br />
Here they come.<br />
Is it them?<br />
They're from Jersey.<br />
Let's go.<br />
Let's go creepin' in this town.<br />
Don't you talk about my family.<br />
This is where we make our stand.<br />
South Park will never be<br />
West Jersey.<br />
Fuck New Jersey!<br />
Keep shooting.<br />
We're sick of you, Jersey.<br />
Fuck off!<br />
- Get it off of me!<br />
- Snooki want smush-smush.<br />
Got to find a way past it.<br />
- What does it want?<br />
- Sounds like it wants smush-smush.<br />
Snooki want smush-smush.<br />
You guys, it's raping me!<br />
Jesus Christ!<br />
What do we do?<br />
Oh, God!<br />
Get out of here.<br />
Why?<br />
Dude.<br />
Get out of here,<br />
you piece of cabbage.<br />
You want to smush,<br />
get creepin' somewhere else.<br />
You're cabbage, you know that?<br />
You got cabbage in your muff.<br />
You got cabbage<br />
in your fucking muff.<br />
That's the last of it.<br />
We're out of ammo.<br />
Then we've got<br />
to start falling back to Utah.<br />
What's the point?<br />
Can't you see it's over?<br />
Who is that?<br />
It's Al-Qaeda.<br />
Give them hell, Al-Qaeda.<br />
On a cold October night,<br />
a small town in Colorado<br />
stood up to New Jersey<br />
and finally said, "Go away."<br />
Our fortitude was the inspiration<br />
for others and now,<br />
New Jersey is slowly receding back<br />
to the desolate land<br />
from whence it came.<br />
Our country is getting back to normal,<br />
and we owe it all<br />
to Osama Bin Laden.<br />
You're back to normal.<br />
The more distance between me<br />
and New Jersey, the better I feel.<br />
But you still have it in you.<br />
You saved my life.<br />
Deep down inside, you're a monster,<br />
but you're my little monster.<br />
I just have one question.<br />
At Sizzler, when you were yelling<br />
muff cabbage, what's that?<br />
It's a Jersey thing.<br />
On this day, let us all remember<br />
that no people on this Earth<br />
are really enemies,<br />
only folks with differences.<br />
Tango's down.<br />
We got him!</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-7493819758301139462012-01-03T00:38:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:38:11.264-08:00S14E08 Poor and Stupid<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<i>I'm goin' down to south<br />
park gonna have myself a time<br />
<i>Friendly faces everywhere<br />
humble folks without temptation<br />
<i>Goin' down to south park<br />
gonna leave my woes behind<br />
<i>Ample parking day or night<br />
people shouting howdy neighbor<br />
<i>Heading on up to south park<br />
gonna see if I can't unwind<br />
<i>Come on down to<br />
south park and nothing.<br />
SOUTH PARK ELMENTARY<br />
Cartman, dude,<br />
what is wrong?<br />
Nothing.<br />
Just leave me alone, okay?<br />
Dude, you've been sitting at your<br />
locker crying since lunch break.<br />
Something's going on.<br />
It's just that essay<br />
that Garrison assigned us.<br />
What I wanna be<br />
when I grow up?<br />
I don't like thinking about what<br />
I wanna be when I grow up, alright?<br />
Why not?<br />
Because when I grow up I wanna be<br />
something that I know I can never be, Stan.<br />
Cartman, tell us.<br />
I wanna be a<br />
Nascar driver, okay?<br />
When I see the car races on TV, those<br />
loud engines, the peeling wheels.<br />
It's so cool.<br />
Well, Cartman, if you want to drive<br />
Nascar when you grow up, you can.<br />
Oh right, someone like me<br />
can be a Nascar driver!<br />
Look at me!<br />
You really think<br />
someone like this,...<br />
...can ever become an awesome,<br />
famous Nascar driver?<br />
Aw, Cartman, you can change<br />
things about yourself.<br />
No, I can't.<br />
I'll always be like this.<br />
Dude, no, you don't know that.<br />
Come on you guys.<br />
I have to face facts.<br />
Nascar is only for<br />
poor and stupid people.<br />
I don't have what it takes.<br />
What?<br />
I'm not poor and stupid enough<br />
to do Nascar and I never will be.<br />
Dude, I don't think just poor<br />
and stupid people like Nascar.<br />
Oh really?<br />
Hey, hey, Kenny!<br />
- You love Nascar, huh.<br />
- Yeah, dude I love Nascar!<br />
You see?<br />
I told you guys, what's the use?<br />
It's just it's hopeless!<br />
Cartman, you are poor<br />
and you are stupid.<br />
I know you're trying to<br />
make me feel better, Kyle,...<br />
...but a rich smart kid has<br />
no place on a racetrack.<br />
Dude, you are so retarded!<br />
Thanks, Stan, but even if I<br />
was, I'd still be too rich.<br />
How are you rich?<br />
Your mom pays for everything.<br />
You guys really think I<br />
could do this, don't you?<br />
You really believe in me.<br />
I believe that you're<br />
a broke, ignorant, idiot!<br />
Then maybe I can make<br />
myself believe it, too.<br />
Thank you guys.<br />
I'm gonna go chase a dream.<br />
- Butters.<br />
- Hey Eric.<br />
Butters, the guys have been talking to me<br />
and well, they've got me pretty pumped up.<br />
I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to<br />
do something big and I'm psyched!<br />
Okay!<br />
But I'm gonna need your help.<br />
Can you get psyched?<br />
- You gonna get psyched up?<br />
- Yeah, I'm psyched!<br />
- Get really psyched up, Butters!<br />
- I'm really psyched! Yeah, yeah.<br />
Let's do this! I'm pumped!<br />
I'm psyched!<br />
I'm going to become a<br />
Nascar driver, Butters.<br />
- I'm going for the gold.<br />
- Nascar.<br />
I know, I'm not poor and stupid<br />
enough, but I can change that, Butters.<br />
Here.<br />
I want you to take all my money.<br />
Every bit of it, Butters.<br />
58 dolars and 32 cents.<br />
You're givin' away all your money?<br />
Just get rid of it, Butters.<br />
Don't tell me where you spend it,<br />
and don't ever let me have it back.<br />
From this moment on,<br />
I am poor, like Kenny.<br />
You sure you want to do this?<br />
I told you I'm serious, Butters.<br />
This is my shot.<br />
I'm gonna get as poor and<br />
stupid as I possibly can.<br />
All right, folks. We wanna thank you all<br />
for coming out and supporting Nascar.<br />
Yeah! So cool!<br />
Now who's ready for<br />
Saturday's Big Race?<br />
We are really excited to be part of<br />
the fastest growing sport in America!<br />
Now I don't know about you,<br />
but I am thrilled to watch Nascar...<br />
...finally becoming a recognized<br />
as a respected, legitimate sport!<br />
Yeah!<br />
Hello! Excuse me!<br />
I know that you Nascar<br />
people don't have very much.<br />
So I went out and bought you all $58<br />
worth of canned food and blankets!<br />
You're welcome!<br />
I helped the needy!<br />
<i>I tell you what.<br />
It's raining cats and dogs outside.<br />
<i>Mostly cats.<br />
<i>I just wish I brought an umbrella.<br />
- Hey Eric!<br />
- Ah, Butters!<br />
Did you give away all my money?<br />
You don't have a penny left!<br />
You're poor as shit.<br />
How come you're<br />
hanging upside down?<br />
I need to get stupid, Butters.<br />
I'm getting all the<br />
blood to rush to my head...<br />
...and watching a marathon<br />
of "Two and a Half Men."<br />
<i>Hey, that's a hot girl over there.<br />
<i>Sure, she's hot.<br />
She's wearing a sweater!<br />
- Feel stupid yet?<br />
- Not yet.<br />
<i>When a woman isn't feeling her<br />
freshest, she turns to vagisil.<br />
Oh, god dammit.<br />
Another vagisil commercial?<br />
<i>To stop femine itching<br />
and relieve vaginal odors.<br />
Fucking gross!<br />
All those ladies<br />
have stinky vaginas?<br />
<i>If you develop an allergic<br />
reaction, see your doctor.<br />
<i>In some cases, vagisil can<br />
lead to short-term memory loss.<br />
<i>For the freshest, cleanest femine<br />
area, do what others women do?<br />
Did you hear that?<br />
<i>In some cases, vagisil can<br />
lead to short-term memory loss.<br />
Oh my god, Butters!<br />
We need vagisil.<br />
Vagisil, vagisil maximum strength,<br />
vagisil wash, vagisil medicated wipes.<br />
Gee wiz!<br />
There's vagi-everythings!<br />
Which one<br />
do I use to kill brain cells?<br />
Well, just buy me one<br />
of each of them, Butters.<br />
- I'm buyin'?<br />
- I'm totally poor, Butters. Did you forget?<br />
But I... I didn't bring any money.<br />
I didn't know I had to buy vagisil.<br />
God damn it, Butters!<br />
All right, just just keep a lookout.<br />
I'll try it here.<br />
Look that way and make sure<br />
the cashier doesn't see me!<br />
- Is anybody coming?<br />
- No, you're good.<br />
Little boy,<br />
what are you doing?<br />
Oh my god, Butters!<br />
I feel kind of stupid!<br />
- Really? - Yes! Yes, I'm feeling<br />
totally stupid right now!<br />
That was fast!<br />
Grab what you can and<br />
let's get out of here.<br />
I'm ready.<br />
<i>We are just seconds away from<br />
the start of the Denver 300!<br />
<i>Excuse me!<br />
Mr. Evans, sir?<br />
Your... your wife is on the phone.<br />
She just got raped.<br />
- What? - Yeah, she got raped a lot,<br />
and you gotta talk to her.<br />
Oh my god!<br />
Sweet!<br />
Nice work, Butters.<br />
Now go be my spotter so<br />
we can win this thing.<br />
Eric, are you sure<br />
you can do this?<br />
Don't worry, Butters,<br />
I'm totally poor and stupid.<br />
I'm ready for Nascar.<br />
<i>Let the race begin!<br />
<i>Let's go Nascar!<br />
I'm not moving, Butters.<br />
- I think you gotta press the gas pedal.<br />
- What's that?<br />
There's like a long pedal on<br />
the floor by your right foot.<br />
Oh, okay.<br />
<i>Let's go Nascar!<br />
It looks like Dale Evans'<br />
car is going the wrong way!<br />
Cool, Nascar!<br />
Sweeet!<br />
Oh fuck my ass!<br />
Eric?<br />
All that work,...<br />
...all the effort I put in,...<br />
...I still wasn't poor<br />
and stupid enough to win.<br />
Eric, you were as poor and<br />
stupid as you could be.<br />
Don't you get it, Butters?<br />
It's never going to happen for me!<br />
Those people are way more poor<br />
and stupid than I'll ever be!<br />
I might as well kill myself.<br />
Eric! Don't ever talk like that!<br />
I've given away all my money!<br />
Drank enough vagisil to kill every brain<br />
cell I have, but it still wasn't enough!<br />
All right, Eric, we got<br />
the X-Rays back.<br />
How bad is it, doctor?<br />
He has two fractured<br />
ribs, a broken femur,...<br />
...torn ligaments in both knees<br />
and a level two concussion.<br />
He also appears to be developing<br />
three small vaginas in his stomach,...<br />
...but they are<br />
all sparkling clean.<br />
Well, at least there's that.<br />
Just pull the plug on me, doctor.<br />
I don't want to live like this.<br />
You aren't on life support.<br />
Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.<br />
Oh donkey balls.<br />
You are lucky<br />
to be alive, young man.<br />
Sneaking onto a Nascar racetrack,<br />
and hijacking a car for a joyride.<br />
That has got to be the stupidest<br />
thing I've ever heard of a kid doing.<br />
Thanks, doc, but you aren't going<br />
to make me feel any better.<br />
No, really.<br />
Of all the idiotic, dumb ways<br />
I've seen kids injure themselves,...<br />
...yours takes the retard cake!<br />
Did you hear that, Eric?<br />
See?<br />
You are really stupid.<br />
Could it be I only lost the race because<br />
I just somehow wasn't poor enough?<br />
It has to be, Eric.<br />
Eric, where are you going?<br />
Get me my coat, Butters.<br />
We're gonna try this thing again.<br />
<i>You're watching Colorado Fox 11.<br />
<i>Next on Fox 11 news,<br />
are Nascar fans stupid?<br />
<i>Some people are starting to wonder after a<br />
Nascar fan apparently got high on vagisil...<br />
<i>...and snuck onto<br />
the track killing 11 people.<br />
<i>Tom, the Nascar fan got into a car here on<br />
sunday and crashed in the lake behind me.<br />
<i>He was later found<br />
to have ingested this,...<br />
<i>...maximum strength vagisil,<br />
and also vagisil medicated wipes.<br />
<i>Making Nascar fans<br />
look pretty stupid, Tom.<br />
No! Nascar fans aren't stupid.<br />
Cartman is!<br />
<i>The Nascar fan vows he<br />
will try to do it again,...<br />
<i>...but that this time, he will win.<br />
Oh that fucking asshole!<br />
Oh hey, Kenny!<br />
Dude, what the fucking are doing.<br />
Come in, dude, I wanna show<br />
you what I've been working on!<br />
Check it out! I thought<br />
I could just give all...<br />
...my money away and be<br />
as poor as your family.<br />
But then I realized,<br />
what do poor people do?<br />
Buy things even though they<br />
don't have money by going out...<br />
...and purchasing things that are 0%<br />
down and no payments for two years!<br />
That's how you people<br />
stay poor forever!<br />
Am I right?<br />
That's it, right?<br />
Dude, fuck you!<br />
Kenny, I'm just trying<br />
to get good at Nascar.<br />
Being poor has nothing<br />
to do with Nascar!<br />
Hey, I love Nascar<br />
just as much as you do!<br />
No you fucking don't!<br />
Oh it's so easy for you,<br />
isn't it, Kenny?<br />
I've had to become poor<br />
all on my own, you know?<br />
I wasn't born with a<br />
plastic spoon in my mouth.<br />
What?<br />
I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down<br />
and no payments for two years myself,...<br />
...I didn't have parents to<br />
do it for me like you do.<br />
Look, Kenny, Kenny.<br />
We shouldn't be fighting.<br />
We both love Nascar and<br />
we're both poor as shit.<br />
Uhh, excuse me?<br />
- Eric Cartman?<br />
- Yeah.<br />
My name is Geoff Hammil.<br />
I'm the founder<br />
and C.E.O. of vagisil.<br />
Young man, your Nascar stunt has<br />
brought a lot of attention to vagisil,...<br />
...and honestly, I don't<br />
know how to thank you.<br />
Our sales are up, and<br />
all women are finally...<br />
...realizing that their<br />
feminine odor can be treated.<br />
I first created vagisil<br />
for my wife, Patty.<br />
She's my muse, my flame.<br />
We realize that Nascar can do<br />
a lot for product recognition,...<br />
...and so vagisil has a<br />
little present for you.<br />
Oh sweet!<br />
No way!<br />
This is so tits!<br />
Vagisil would like you to represent<br />
us in the next Nascar race!<br />
Dude, check it out Kenny!<br />
My very own Nascar!<br />
No fucking way.<br />
And we've modified the cockpit to<br />
be operated properly by a child.<br />
Oh cool, huh Kenny!<br />
I got a Nascar, Kenny!<br />
So awesome, huh Kenny?<br />
We are now live at the<br />
Nascar press conference...<br />
...where the drivers of<br />
saturday's race are gearing up...<br />
...and taking questions<br />
from reporters.<br />
So what's your guys' take on<br />
the track here, any concerns?<br />
Well, I think it's a fine track.<br />
You know the techs have done a<br />
really good job of making sure<br />
The banks are grafted down to the right<br />
specs and there shouldn't be any problem...<br />
Yeah, we like this track, yup.<br />
We gotta graftin' banks and<br />
specs and it's like an oval...<br />
...so we're gonna drive straight and then we<br />
need and we're gonna be turnin' to the left.<br />
Uh, they're saying<br />
hot weather tomorrow.<br />
Any concerns about restrictor<br />
plate or brake fade problems?<br />
Of course, any time you're<br />
dealing with high humidity...<br />
...you need to compensate<br />
your brake fluid...<br />
...but the plates themselves...<br />
...compensate yer brake<br />
fluid and get your,...<br />
...your brake working so<br />
you can stop sometimes.<br />
Excuse me, who is this kid?<br />
Is he even a driver?<br />
Uuuh, bring it aw-n earnhard.<br />
You scared a competition?<br />
I'm just as poor<br />
and stupid as you!<br />
I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fast<br />
and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes!<br />
Can we just get back to the<br />
subject of racing, please?<br />
Oho, bring it aw-n<br />
Danica, you dumb bitch.<br />
Think I can't steer<br />
left better than you?<br />
You seemed really stupid, Eric!<br />
Thanks, B-Buds. I really think I<br />
can hold my own against these guys.<br />
Little worried about that<br />
Jimmie Johnson guy, though.<br />
He seems dumber than spit.<br />
And that Danica Patrick chick?<br />
Whew, we're gonna need to get<br />
even poorer and stupider, Butters.<br />
Both of us.<br />
<i>All right from the NFL we now<br />
turn to the world of Nascar.<br />
<i>People who weren't sure what to<br />
think of Nascar are more sure today...<br />
<i>...after a Nascar driver released bigoted<br />
and ignorant statements on his podcast.<br />
<i>All right, what's up Nascar fans?<br />
<i>I don't know about ya'll but this<br />
President Obama is pissin' me off.<br />
<i>So I'm gonna do some<br />
dip and speak my mind.<br />
<i>Today I'm gonna be dippin' vagisil<br />
regular strength anti-itch cream.<br />
<i>Yeah, that's a big digger right there.<br />
<i>So I'm pretty pissed<br />
off at what I found out.<br />
<i>I found this Obama wants to<br />
put a bigger tax on gasoline.<br />
<i>What the fuck is up with that?<br />
<i>That's fucking gay.<br />
<i>Fucking gay as hell.<br />
<i>Ya'll know my pit boss, Butters.<br />
<i>Obama's fucking gay.<br />
<i>He's fucking gay as hell.<br />
<i>Pisses me off.<br />
<i>So ya'll be sure to<br />
catch us in our next race.<br />
<i>We're about as poor and stupid<br />
as fucking they come so come down...<br />
<i>...and cheer for us<br />
at Nascar on saturday.<br />
<i>Obama's gay as hell!<br />
<i>Well, if you ask me, that's<br />
all the proof we need that...<br />
<i>...Nascar really is just for<br />
the poor and the stupid.<br />
The stage is set for what could be the<br />
most important race of the Nascar year.<br />
Lots of speculation and interest in<br />
the vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman.<br />
We're joined now by the inventor<br />
and owner of vagisil, Geoff Hammil.<br />
Thank you, Chris.<br />
Geoff, why did you decide<br />
to sponsor a Nascar driver?<br />
Vagisil is very excited to be part<br />
of the Nascar phenomenon, Chris.<br />
You know I first created vagisil<br />
to try and help my wife, Patty.<br />
She is my muse, my flame.<br />
Wherever Patty goes,<br />
her smile lights up the room.<br />
Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the<br />
room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks.<br />
Okay. Well, the race is about to start, so<br />
why don't we kick it back down to the track.<br />
<i>Gentlemen, start your engines!<br />
All right, start your engines.<br />
What's that mean?<br />
That means ya flip the<br />
switch that says engine!<br />
Is he stupid, or what?<br />
Yeah, he's a champion all right!<br />
Check your bag, please, sir.<br />
No, no.<br />
See this won't do.<br />
You can't bring a sniper<br />
rifle onto the track.<br />
Aw, come on!<br />
Look, Nascar is trying<br />
to change its image.<br />
It's people like you that<br />
are giving Nascar a bad name.<br />
Oh, whatever fuck you.<br />
You might be able to<br />
buy one in the giftshop.<br />
<i>The drivers are slowly headin'<br />
out to follow the pace car.<br />
All right. I'm gonna press the gas<br />
pedal and I'm gonna go forward.<br />
Nascar! Yeah!<br />
This is just the pace lap.<br />
You don't go full speed yet!<br />
Yeah, just a pace lap.<br />
Gotta hit the brake.<br />
What the fuck are you doing?<br />
Fuck you Danica Patrick!<br />
You ain't half as dumb as me!<br />
Gas pedal!<br />
Aw, son of a bitch!<br />
Ain't nobody can stop me!<br />
And it looks like the vagisil car<br />
has already clipped two other drivers...<br />
...and taken them out of the race.<br />
Yeah, the other drivers are not<br />
going to be happy about this.<br />
What do you think, Mr. Hammil?<br />
vagisil is a company that really<br />
stands behind it's product, Chris.<br />
We want women to know<br />
that vagisil is effective,...<br />
...safe for use every day.<br />
Every day.<br />
Every day.<br />
And available nationwide.<br />
<i>Be careful up here by 100 yards, Eric.<br />
There's a wrecked car on the right side.<br />
<i>You gonna wanna watch for you...<br />
You see that?<br />
Danica Patrick tried to get in my way.<br />
That pisses me off.<br />
That's fucking gay as hell.<br />
Oohp, I'm comin' up on<br />
that turn thingie again.<br />
I gotta steer left!<br />
Get out of the way, you idiots.I'm<br />
tryin' to win this damn thing.<br />
There you go.<br />
You're back on the track.<br />
I'm back on the track!<br />
What the... Kenny?<br />
What the hell are you doing?<br />
Fuck you dude!<br />
Get off my car, Kenny!<br />
Fuck you!<br />
Pull over!<br />
Oh man! Now our friend Kenny's<br />
tryin' to break the windshield.<br />
Ain't that just gay as hell.<br />
We're tradin' paint!<br />
Oh, it's so easy for<br />
you, isn't it, Kenny?<br />
I have to prove myself!<br />
I hate you.<br />
Sorry, dude,<br />
I'm winning this race.<br />
With the brake.<br />
Bye, Kenny!<br />
Oh, jesus, there's a<br />
little boy on the track!<br />
Well, it appears that all the<br />
other drivers have crashed...<br />
...and only the vagisil car remains.<br />
Looks like you're<br />
going to win, Mr. Hammil.<br />
This is such a great<br />
day for vagisil, Chris.<br />
Our product awareness will<br />
be at an all-time high.<br />
Femine odor must be treated<br />
diligently, very diligently.<br />
Patty?<br />
Patty?<br />
It looks like a woman is trying to<br />
take over for jimmie johnson's car!<br />
What?<br />
Ma'am, you are<br />
on an active racetrack.<br />
This is extremely dangerous.<br />
Let me talk to her!<br />
Patty!<br />
Patty what are you doing?<br />
<i>Patty, pull over the Nascar.<br />
You're acting irrationally.<br />
Patty, did you forget<br />
to take your medication?<br />
You know how you get when<br />
you don't use your vagisil.<br />
There should be some<br />
in your purse, my muse.<br />
<i>Patty!<br />
<i>Agh, you dumb bitch!<br />
Butters, this bitch is<br />
tryin' to wreck my car!<br />
I know!<br />
That pisses me off!<br />
That's fucking gay.<br />
Fucking gay as hell.<br />
Patty, you are<br />
my muse and my flame.<br />
<i>They're neck and neck<br />
approaching the finish line!<br />
Fuck my ass again!<br />
<i>And celebration for the<br />
Lowe's Home Improvement Team.<br />
Patty! How could you?<br />
You've ruined us!<br />
You've ruined vagisil!<br />
You fucking lose!<br />
No, no Kenny.<br />
Go ahead.<br />
I deserve it.<br />
I thought I could just waltz into a<br />
racetrack and do what these people do.<br />
But I owe you an apologie.<br />
The truth is I'm just too smart.<br />
And with how smart I am, I always<br />
be succesful therefore have money.<br />
I just have to accept I'm<br />
too smart and rich for Nascar.<br />
It's time for me to give it up.<br />
All right, Butters.<br />
Give me back my money.<br />
58 dolars and 32 cents that<br />
I gave you. I want it back.<br />
But you say...<br />
God damn it, Butters.<br />
You better have it.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-70284184661298280922012-01-03T00:37:00.003-08:002012-01-03T00:37:35.666-08:00S14E07 Crippled Summer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
This program contains<br />
subject matter and language<br />
that may be disturbing to some viewers.<br />
Viewer discretion is advised.<br />
Hey, everybody!<br />
How's it going?<br />
The towel<br />
the drug addict<br />
I just -- I just<br />
can't seem to stop.<br />
Towelie has agreed to be in a<br />
documentary about addiction.<br />
Hey, you goin' swimming?<br />
Don't forget to bring a towel!<br />
He does not know he is about<br />
to face an intervention.<br />
Get out of my face!<br />
Get out of here!<br />
Intervention<br />
my name is Towelie.<br />
T-o-w-e-l -- y-e-y.<br />
I'm great at cleaning up spills.<br />
And I'm 100% machine washable.<br />
I'm just an ordinary<br />
towel in a lot of ways.<br />
Except for one.<br />
I'm addicted to marijuana.<br />
And crystal meth.<br />
And crack.<br />
Nine years ago towlie<br />
started smoking marijuana.<br />
Two years later, he started<br />
experimenting with crystal meth.<br />
Anybody want their sucked?<br />
Does anybody want their<br />
sucked by a towel?<br />
Towelie has become a complete<br />
nightmare in our town.<br />
He's broken into my house<br />
twice and stolen my allowance.<br />
I've got almost nothing left.<br />
If we're playing outside,<br />
he shows up completely wasted<br />
and screaming how the<br />
government is following him.<br />
I just don't want to<br />
watch him kill himself!<br />
I don't even know<br />
who he is anymore!<br />
There's is no doubt in my mind<br />
that if we don't get Towelie help,<br />
our entire summer is<br />
going to be ruined.<br />
Camp for the handicapped<br />
oh boy, Timmy!<br />
It's our favorite time of year!<br />
Timmy!<br />
We get to see all our<br />
old friends again!<br />
Hey, there's Francis! Hey, Francis!<br />
Hey, Jimmy! Hey, Tim!<br />
Timmy!<br />
Look at Lenora, everyone! Good job!<br />
Come on! Good job, Lenora!<br />
Alright, good.<br />
Let's get Lenora a towel!<br />
C'mon, where's the towel?!<br />
The towel isn't here.<br />
I think it's off<br />
getting high again.<br />
For the past week Towelie has been<br />
working at a summer camp<br />
for handicapped children.<br />
He has been given warnings for<br />
getting high fourteen times.<br />
Hey! Where's that towel?<br />
Oh, yeah, just a sec!<br />
We went out and got Towelie a job.<br />
So he could try and pays us<br />
back all the money he owes us.<br />
Stupid towel.<br />
What's going on, towel?<br />
Oh, yeah, just had to take a piss.<br />
Sorry.<br />
We got wet campers down there.<br />
Move your ass!<br />
When Towelie is doing heroin,<br />
he doesn't care about anything.<br />
I don't care about anything.<br />
Stupid... handicap... camp...<br />
Alright, blue team.<br />
As team Captain I need to make sure<br />
we are ready for the<br />
big camp competition!<br />
Oh, we're weady awight!<br />
We can weawy stick it<br />
to wed team this yew!<br />
No way red team can beat us no way.<br />
Red team won't know what hit them.<br />
Alright. Everyone together!<br />
Are we gonna beat<br />
red team this year?<br />
Yeah!<br />
Timmy!<br />
Yeah!<br />
I can't stand him, Mimsy.<br />
That Jimmy kid makes my skin crawl.<br />
Darrr, you've always<br />
hated Jimmy, boss.<br />
Ever since he whooped you<br />
at soifin' last summer camp.<br />
He really took it to ya good.<br />
Shut up, Mimsy.<br />
Oh, sorry boss.<br />
Listen to me.<br />
There is no way that blue team<br />
is gonna beat red team<br />
this year at camp.<br />
You got that?<br />
Blue team has beaten red<br />
team the past three<br />
summers at Lake Tardicaca.<br />
The three legged race is<br />
blue team's best event.<br />
What we need to do Mimsy,<br />
is use a little bwain power to<br />
make sure blue team can't compete.<br />
Oh boy! We're ruin<br />
blue teams chances, huh?<br />
We're gonna break their<br />
legs or something, boss?<br />
Shut up, Mimsy.<br />
Just do what I say<br />
and we can make sure<br />
Jimmy Valmer gets<br />
what's comin' to him.<br />
There ya go, Lenora. All better now?<br />
Yes, thanks.<br />
That's right, when you go swimmin'<br />
don't forget to bring a -- blalrlg!<br />
Who hired that towel?<br />
It can barely walk let<br />
alone dry somebody off.<br />
You think you're<br />
better than me? Huh?<br />
You think-- you think you're hot?<br />
A lot of times when<br />
Towelie shoots heroin,<br />
he just gets angry at everybody.<br />
You can all suck it!<br />
You're all -- you're<br />
all a bunch of towels.<br />
That's what you are!<br />
The thing is, Towelie was<br />
pretty happy before.<br />
He had a girlfriend he liked<br />
and then she got pregnant<br />
and had a little washcloth.<br />
But then Towelie just kept<br />
getting more and more high,<br />
and he got kicked out of the house.<br />
You!<br />
Lemme talk to him.<br />
Lemme talk to him, you bitch!<br />
Towelie is attempting<br />
to talk to his son.<br />
His ex-wife will not let her son<br />
talk to Towelie when he's high.<br />
No! I'm not high!<br />
I haven't been high<br />
since Wednesday.<br />
Oh, it is Wednesday?<br />
Alright campers!<br />
Our first event is<br />
the big canoe race!<br />
Oh boy, the canoe race! Heee!<br />
We gotta be-beada-da -- beada -<br />
we gotta beat the red team!<br />
I've got it, Mimsy.<br />
I got a way to win the race and<br />
get rid of Jimmy for good.<br />
Der oh boy!<br />
What're we gonna do boss?<br />
Simple, Mimsy.<br />
We're gonna put a little<br />
surprise in the canoe.<br />
What kind of a surprise?<br />
Ooh, it's a snake!<br />
Not just any snake, Mimsy.<br />
It's a black mamba.<br />
The black mamba is the<br />
deadiest snake known to man<br />
the odds of surviving a black<br />
manba in your canoe are 546 to 1.<br />
Oh, gee wiz, boss.<br />
We're gonna kill all the<br />
blue team and Jimmy, huh?<br />
Shhh! Shhh!<br />
You boys excited<br />
for the canoe race?<br />
Yes, counselor Steve.<br />
I like duh fun canoe.<br />
Canoes are fun, aren't they?<br />
Now take the black mamba, Mimsy,<br />
and put it in the canoe.<br />
I'm gonna go get our team ready.<br />
Alright, campers, are we ready?<br />
Yeah!<br />
Good luck, Jimmy!<br />
You too n-n-Nathan!<br />
You're gonna need it, you asshole.<br />
On your mark!<br />
Get set!<br />
Holy ! Mimsy!<br />
What the hell did you do?<br />
Dar you said ta put da black<br />
mamba in the canoe, boss!<br />
Not in our canoe, Mimsy!<br />
Mimsy has put the black mamba<br />
snake in the wrong canoe.<br />
The odds of the red team winning<br />
the canoe race are now 1 in 19.<br />
We crossed the finish line first.<br />
Hey, hey, we need a towel!<br />
Oh, uh, just a sec!<br />
Not just a sec.<br />
We got a bunch of wet<br />
campers down there!<br />
What's going on?<br />
Towelie makes extra money<br />
for drugs by offering<br />
oral sex to older men.<br />
Hey you owe me money, asshole!<br />
That's it. We're done.<br />
You are no longer employed here.<br />
Please, sir.<br />
We need a nice,<br />
clean towel here at summer camp.<br />
We don't need a towel that shoots<br />
heroin and has sex for money!<br />
Some people are so picky<br />
about their towels.<br />
Alright campers!<br />
Next event is the<br />
big scavenger hunt!<br />
Blue team is gonna go first!<br />
I finally got it, Mimsy.<br />
I got a way we can kill Jimmy<br />
and beat the blue team.<br />
Oh boy! What're we gonna do,<br />
huh, boss?<br />
Simple. We're going to get Jimmy<br />
killed by native Americans.<br />
Here take this.<br />
It's a fake scavenger hunt map.<br />
Darrr, this map leads<br />
to the scavenger hunt?<br />
No! That map leads to<br />
the Indian reservation.<br />
We switch this with blue<br />
team's scavenger hunting map,<br />
and they'll end up right on the<br />
Tardicaca India reservation!<br />
The Tardicaca Indians are extremely<br />
protective of their land.<br />
Trespassing on the<br />
Tardicaca reservation<br />
is considered extremely dangerous.<br />
Dar, oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy<br />
killed by Indians, huh boss?<br />
Shh! Shhhh!<br />
Are you boys excited for<br />
the neat scavenger hunt?<br />
Yes, counselor Steve.<br />
I like da scavaga -- hut.<br />
Alright, Mimsy. Now you take this<br />
map to the Indian reservation<br />
and you switch it with blue teams.<br />
You got that Mims?<br />
You switch the map. Switch the map.<br />
Dar I got it, boss!<br />
Switch the map! Switch the map!<br />
Darr, how come we're<br />
scavenger huntin' now, boss?<br />
Because stupid,<br />
now that we have blue teams map<br />
we can get their<br />
scavenger prize, too!<br />
Darr, oh boy!<br />
This doesn't make sense.<br />
Why would they make us go this far?<br />
We're handicapped.<br />
Turn left at the -- wait.<br />
Wait a minute. What the -<br />
oh!<br />
Mim! This is the map to<br />
the Indian reservation!<br />
Well, sure it is, boss!<br />
I told you to switch this<br />
with the map for blue team!<br />
Nah you told me switch the map.<br />
Switch the map.<br />
So I switched it, and I switched.<br />
Mimsy!<br />
Uhhh, my name is Nathan.<br />
I'm disabled.<br />
Intervention<br />
hey everybody!<br />
Let's all go to the<br />
office supply store!<br />
Towelie has run out of<br />
money for had drugs.<br />
He now inhales computer<br />
duster to get high.<br />
You must have one dusty computer.<br />
You! It's not illegal, bitch.<br />
I feel like I could<br />
conquer the world.<br />
Towelie now inhales up to 2,<br />
00 cans of computer duster a day.<br />
It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine!<br />
I really think this intervention<br />
is Towelie's last chance.<br />
Towelie! Open the door!<br />
Go away. I'm walkin' on sunshine!<br />
Towelie, I gotta take you<br />
somewhere really important.<br />
Just -- let me walk on<br />
the sunshine a little more.<br />
Alright.<br />
In the surfing competition, the<br />
red team is up three points to two!<br />
And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn!<br />
Timmy!<br />
Gee, I wish our team Captain<br />
was as awesome as Jimmy!<br />
I finally got it, Mimsy.<br />
I got a way we can get rid<br />
of Jimmy once and for all.<br />
Oh boy! Oh boy!<br />
What're we gonna do to him, boss?<br />
Simple. We're gonna get<br />
Jimmy eaten by a shark.<br />
Here, take this.<br />
It's a shark mating whistle.<br />
Der okay boss,<br />
a shark mating whistle!<br />
We gonna hit'em over the<br />
head wid it, huh, boss?<br />
No you, moron.<br />
You go under the water<br />
and blow that whistle.<br />
You can attract sharks,<br />
right as Jimmy starts to surf.<br />
The Tardicaca shark is<br />
the deadliest freshwater<br />
shark in Colorado.<br />
A shark mating whistle can<br />
attract the shark from<br />
over two miles away.<br />
Der I got it boss!<br />
I blow the whistle and<br />
make the shark come and<br />
bite Jimmy's legs off!<br />
Then he'll bleed ta deat!<br />
He's gonna bleed at deat!<br />
Shhh! Shhh!<br />
Are you boys enjoying<br />
the fun beach?<br />
UN Counselor Steve.<br />
The beach is warm.<br />
Gee, dat was a close one huh, boss?<br />
Dye almost hoid me sayin'<br />
we was gonna kill Jimmmy!<br />
Shut up, Mimsy.<br />
Just swim in the<br />
water where Jimmy is,<br />
then blow that whistle.<br />
Derr, oh boy!<br />
I dunno, Timmy.<br />
Those waves are pretty big.<br />
Timmy.<br />
Don't worry,<br />
Jimmy can handle himself!<br />
Gonna catch a wave.<br />
Derr, I got me a shark whistle!<br />
Oh boy, here it comes.<br />
Here it comes!<br />
Oh no!<br />
Jimmy!<br />
Wait look!<br />
He's doing it!<br />
Yeah! Alright!<br />
Ha ha, oh boy!<br />
Mimsy?<br />
You didn't do what I told you!<br />
Whatdya mean, boss?<br />
You said to swim in the water<br />
and then blow the whistle.<br />
I swam in the water,<br />
so now I gatta blow the whistle.<br />
Mimsy was supposed to blow<br />
the shark whistle while<br />
still under the water.<br />
There appears to have been a<br />
fundamental misunderstanding.<br />
You idiot!<br />
You don't blow a shark<br />
mating whistle on dry land!<br />
You were supposed to blow it -<br />
Mimsy's error has caused a lake<br />
shark to come onto the<br />
beach and mate with Nathan.<br />
The Tardicaca Lake shark's<br />
penis is nine inches long.<br />
Colorado department of wildlife.<br />
Mimsy!<br />
Get this thing offa meeee!<br />
Today is Towelie's intervention.<br />
We have no idea how<br />
he's going to react.<br />
Come on, Towelie,<br />
it's right over here.<br />
Towelie thinks he is on<br />
his way to the laundromat.<br />
What's going on?<br />
You wanna come on over,<br />
have a seat with your friends?<br />
What is everybody doing here?<br />
We've all just been talking,<br />
Towelie and...<br />
What I'm hearing is a<br />
bunch of people here<br />
who just love the heck out of ya.<br />
And... they're gonna say<br />
say what they wanna say,<br />
then you can say what you wanna say,<br />
and we're done. Okay?<br />
Towelie, over the past couple years<br />
I have seen drug addiction<br />
affect you in the following ways.<br />
Oh, Jesus, man.<br />
Towelie, you need to let him finish.<br />
You're not the towel<br />
you used to be.<br />
Where as you used to be<br />
Fluffy and absorbent,<br />
you now are crusty and<br />
unable to absorb the<br />
smallest amount of water.<br />
Will you get help today?<br />
I don't -- I don't get this.<br />
Kyle?<br />
Towelie, over the past few months<br />
I have watched you go from<br />
an ancillary character<br />
with a few amusing catch phrases<br />
to a dried-out spewge-rag<br />
covered in the jiz of<br />
a thousand older men.<br />
Can we just end this, please?<br />
You have to let him finish, Towelie.<br />
If you do not accept treatment,<br />
I will no longer give you money,<br />
or be your friend.<br />
I will not help you kill yourself.<br />
Alright, Eric.<br />
Do you want to go next?<br />
Kyle, I hate you so much.<br />
You are a liar and a swindler<br />
who will do anything for money,<br />
and I -- we're here<br />
for Towelie, fat ass!<br />
I'm supposed to be allowed to finish,<br />
right? Is that right?<br />
The Jews have been persecuted<br />
across the earth for<br />
good reason, Kyle.<br />
You are a race of<br />
beady-eyed thieves, who --<br />
this is serious, you!<br />
I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?<br />
Kyle, we have to let people<br />
be allowed to finish<br />
during interventions.<br />
But he's just using his<br />
time on television to<br />
Kyle, please, it is not your turn.<br />
You are a race of<br />
beady-eyed thieves, Kyle,<br />
who throughout the<br />
millennia have squirmed<br />
and worked your way into the<br />
dark cubbyholes of society.<br />
Where exactly did the<br />
Jews first get their power<br />
and how are they able to<br />
manipulate our minds today?<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
Talent show competition!<br />
It's a snap at Tardicaca camp<br />
to learn to do the hula hula dance.<br />
I fell in love with<br />
a Tardicaca dove<br />
while doin' that funny funny dance.<br />
This poor little kid, why she<br />
never did a bit of lovin' before.<br />
Get ready, Mimsy.<br />
Blue team is about to go boom!<br />
Red team planted half a pound<br />
of c4 in Jimmy's ukulele.<br />
It is set to go off during<br />
the ukulele solo of<br />
'Tardicaca hula gal'<br />
so I made up my mind that I<br />
struck a find the<br />
Tardicaca gal I did adore.<br />
Wow, wow, wow, I looove....<br />
That little Tardicaca. Hullaaaaa!<br />
She's the candy kid<br />
to wiggle. Hulaaaa!<br />
She sure to make you giggle.<br />
Hulllaaa!<br />
With her naughty little wiggle,<br />
some day -- I'm gonna try to<br />
make this Tardicaca galie mine,<br />
this galie mine.<br />
Cause all the while I'm dreamin'<br />
of her my Tardicaca hula gal!<br />
Oh, sorry. That's not right.<br />
Hang on.<br />
Der, I don't tink he's<br />
playin' da right note, boss.<br />
The c4 ain't gonna go off --<br />
shut up, Mimsy!<br />
If in fact the Jews<br />
truly are shapeshifters,<br />
and I believe I have<br />
presented enough evidence<br />
here to prove that they are,<br />
then we must unite as a<br />
species to fight them,<br />
and stop their plan<br />
of global domination<br />
and the control of our freedom.<br />
Okay, Stan. You want to go next?<br />
Towelie, if you do not go<br />
to treatment we will<br />
all ignore you forever.<br />
Will you go?<br />
What treatment?<br />
What are you all talking about?<br />
If you say yes, we leave here.<br />
We pack your things, get on a plane,<br />
go to a treatment facility<br />
in Southern California<br />
that's all set up.<br />
No! No!<br />
I'm not getting on a plane!<br />
This is!<br />
Don't give me ultimatums!<br />
I thought you were my friends!<br />
Well, Towelie,<br />
your friends don't want to watch<br />
you kill yourself anymore.<br />
Then them!<br />
You're telling me I<br />
have to do this and<br />
I'm not left with<br />
any decisions here!<br />
Towelie! We aren't the only<br />
ones at this intervention<br />
who've been hurt by you!<br />
Who are you talking about?<br />
Washcloth? You brought washcloth?<br />
Oh that's low!<br />
Out on the beach with<br />
my dear little peach<br />
as the waves blowing in so high!<br />
Dammit!<br />
Jimmy has skipped the ukulele solo<br />
and moved on to the second<br />
verse of 'Tardicaca hula gal'<br />
this has set back<br />
Nathan's plans immensely.<br />
Mimsy!<br />
Get up there and demand<br />
the ukulele solo!<br />
It's our only chance!<br />
Dar, okay boss!<br />
If you get in a pinch<br />
go through it's a cinch!<br />
Dar wee want the ukulele solo!<br />
We want da ukulele solo!<br />
Sorry, Mims,<br />
I just can't remember it.<br />
Well, we's wants ya to play it,<br />
don't we? Yeah.<br />
Alright Mimsy, maybe you<br />
can show me how it's done.<br />
Dar! Okay! It's real easy!<br />
You just play like dis!<br />
Mimsy!<br />
You idiot! What are you doing?<br />
Dar, I was going to show<br />
him how ta play it, boss.<br />
That does it!<br />
I am sick and tired of<br />
your stupidity, Mimsy!<br />
You are the biggest<br />
idiot I have ever met,<br />
and from now on if I<br />
want to do something,<br />
I'm gonna do it myself!<br />
Nathan's frustration with<br />
Mimsy has caused a momentary<br />
lapse in judgement.<br />
He has played the b flat himself,<br />
thus causing his plan to<br />
literally backfire on him.<br />
Oof! Ugh. Ahghg! Ahghghgh!<br />
No, not the shark again!<br />
Not the shark again!<br />
Oh washcloth! I'm so sorry!<br />
He needs you to get better,<br />
Towelie, please!<br />
You got so many people that just<br />
love the heck out of ya, Towelie.<br />
Alright! Alright. I'll go!<br />
You will?<br />
I don't want to hurt<br />
washcloth anymore!<br />
He's going everybody!<br />
Come on! Hugs!<br />
Poor wed team.<br />
Their Captain weawy got waped.<br />
I never seen a kid get<br />
screwed by a shark before.<br />
I hope I never see it again,<br />
Nathan, your team put<br />
up an amazing fight.<br />
And even though I was crowned<br />
king of cripple camp,<br />
I want you to know that you<br />
were the real ch-ch-champ!<br />
I hate you, Jimmy.<br />
I hate you with everything<br />
in my entire being.<br />
Dar, you sure got it stuck<br />
it to ya this year, boss!<br />
Shut up, Mimsy.<br />
Towelie is going to ocean<br />
view terrace treatment center<br />
in Rancho Palos Verdes, California.<br />
- Hi, Towelie?<br />
- Yeah, hi.<br />
Towelie is defintely the<br />
most addicted towels<br />
we've ever seen here.<br />
He's probable the second<br />
most psychologically<br />
damage towel I've come across,<br />
since treating<br />
Christine Ali's towel,<br />
which has seen some...<br />
Some nasty staff.<br />
I don't know what<br />
tommorow's gonna bring.<br />
But I'm learning to love what I am.<br />
I'm a towel.<br />
Towelie finished treatment<br />
and is back living with<br />
his girlfriend Rebecca.<br />
He has been sober<br />
since April 26th, 2010.<br />
If you know a towel that is<br />
suffering from addiction,<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-69776682948080242462012-01-03T00:37:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:37:01.444-08:00S14E06 201 (Part 2)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Saigon is a hell of a place.<br />
I've seen a lot of death,<br />
a lot of suffering.<br />
Darkness that most people<br />
couldn't stand to see.<br />
I tried to sit it out<br />
as much as I could.<br />
What's the matter, Conner?<br />
Don't like a little blood?<br />
No, I don't like a little blood.<br />
Blood ain't the stuff for<br />
18-year-old boys from sheboygan.<br />
Blood ain't the stuff<br />
for Mitch Conner.<br />
Incoming!<br />
Conner, Mitchell.<br />
You're discharged, son.<br />
And that's that.<br />
Pack your bags, you're headed home.<br />
Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.<br />
So how do I end up here?<br />
With a 9-year-old kid,<br />
who just wants to know who his father is.<br />
Life is funny like that.<br />
One day you're sifting through<br />
the guts of some gook in Vietnam<br />
And the next you're playing<br />
Doctor Phil with some<br />
kid and his teacher.<br />
Eric, I... I'm really sorry<br />
That you were put<br />
through all this.<br />
Sorry is a four letter-word<br />
with a y on the end.<br />
That doesn't mean<br />
anything to this poor kid.<br />
That's right.<br />
Tell me the truth.<br />
Now!<br />
All I can tell you, Eric,<br />
Is that we were all told<br />
to stick to the story.<br />
To protect someone very important.<br />
I can't say more.<br />
I won't.<br />
But I'll... I'll tell<br />
you who has the answer.<br />
Look, gingers.<br />
You said you wanted Muhammad.<br />
We got him for you!<br />
We have no way of knowing if<br />
Muhammad is really in there!<br />
It could be a trick!<br />
It's no trick, dude!<br />
My friend and I went to<br />
The super best friends<br />
and brought him here!<br />
Then have him step out<br />
of the bear costume!<br />
You have until the count of ten.<br />
One!<br />
Don't do it, Randy.<br />
If Muhammad is seen,<br />
we could get bombed!<br />
Two!<br />
Idiot!<br />
If he isn't seen we're about<br />
to definitely get bombed!<br />
Three!<br />
Alright, alright.<br />
Stop!<br />
We'll do what you say.<br />
I'm sorry, Muhammad, but<br />
Will you please step out<br />
of the bear costume?<br />
Okay, so um.<br />
See?<br />
Muhammad.<br />
That isn't Muhammad,<br />
that's Santy Claus.<br />
Sorry boys.<br />
I tried.<br />
Aw crap.<br />
Boys, you got Santa to be Mohammed?<br />
When?<br />
When you all said you<br />
Were gonna hand Mohammed<br />
over to Tom Cruise.<br />
We promised Jesus that Mohammed<br />
Would stay safely in the u-haul!<br />
I'm sorry, Kyle.<br />
I really thought my<br />
idea would work for you.<br />
If we were gonna have<br />
someone in a bear costume,<br />
Why would we actually<br />
have it be Muhammad,<br />
You fucking idiot.<br />
So where is he?<br />
Meanwhile, at the hall of<br />
the super best friends...<br />
Buddha, will you lay off<br />
that stuff already?<br />
It's getting to be a problem.<br />
Oh, and you're one to talk.<br />
With all your Internet porn.<br />
Watching porn isn't<br />
like doing coke, fag!<br />
Jesus Christ!<br />
What?<br />
We've got a distress<br />
signal coming in!<br />
On the super best screen!<br />
Super best friends!<br />
You've got to help us!<br />
The casa bonita is under attack!<br />
Great Scott!<br />
It's Barbra Streisand!<br />
I thought Barbra Streisand<br />
Had been destroyed<br />
by the Robert Smith!<br />
Yeah!<br />
Who would have<br />
activated her again?<br />
I don't know, semen.<br />
It's sea man!<br />
The casa bonita is gone!<br />
Jesus, help us!<br />
Jesus, that's where those<br />
boys took Muhammad!<br />
We have to stop her!<br />
On the super best<br />
friends power cycles!<br />
There, there my<br />
little mouse friend.<br />
Soon you will have more asses<br />
than you ever dreamed of.<br />
Ahh Kevin,<br />
you brought me my fonseca.<br />
That's a good boy.<br />
What's this?<br />
Someone is at the door, Kevin.<br />
We've tried to be<br />
left alone, Kevin.<br />
Who would disturb us at this hour?<br />
We must be careful.<br />
Why, it's an African American man, Kevin.<br />
Yes?<br />
What do you want?<br />
Yo, man, sorry to bother ya,<br />
But there's been an accident<br />
down the street, man!<br />
Can I use your telephone?<br />
Oh, I'm -- I'm terribly sorry,<br />
but I don't let strangers in.<br />
Yo I understand, man,<br />
but this is real bad.<br />
My lady's legs is all busted up<br />
She's all crawling around<br />
On the road lookin' like<br />
a crippled crab, man.<br />
I just need ta call<br />
an ambulance, dawg.<br />
There's a gas station about<br />
half a mile down the road.<br />
They have a phone there.<br />
Okay, I see.<br />
I guess I understand.<br />
You just don't want to let<br />
a black man in your house.<br />
No, please, it isn't that at all.<br />
No, I gets it, man.<br />
Thought thangs had<br />
changed through.<br />
Thought when we got a black president,<br />
things would be different.<br />
We gots a black president,<br />
But whitey still don't trust me<br />
to use his mother fucking phone.<br />
No, wait!<br />
I'm sorry.<br />
You're right,<br />
we do have a black president.<br />
Please, come in.<br />
Nice work, Conner.<br />
Yeah, the all how's<br />
anything change speech,<br />
Works on white<br />
people all the time.<br />
Eric Cartman?<br />
Suprise to see me, asshole?<br />
Close the door. Holy crap!<br />
Cheery ho!<br />
My name is pip!<br />
I would like to see<br />
If you wouldn't mind not<br />
smashing our little town to bits!<br />
Ahghgghghgh!<br />
Meanwhile, at the legion of doom,<br />
which is Tom Cruise's house...<br />
How do you like that?<br />
Celebrities can get violent too!<br />
Mr. Cruise, please call<br />
Barbra Streisand off!<br />
She's destroying everything!<br />
We will call her off when<br />
you give us Muhammad.<br />
We don't have Muhammad.<br />
We aren't sure where he is!<br />
That's your problem!<br />
Get him back or babs<br />
will kill you all!<br />
Oh boy!<br />
Kenny!<br />
Kenny, dude, what the hell?<br />
You're supposed to<br />
be watching Muhammad<br />
I am!<br />
He's right here.<br />
Oh, thank God.<br />
Hey, Muhammad.<br />
Really sorry about all this, dude.<br />
So what the heck are<br />
we gonna do now?<br />
Muhammad isn't safe here.<br />
The gingers and celebrities<br />
All want a piece of him.<br />
I don't know where we can go!<br />
Wait. No, wait a minute.<br />
I've got it.<br />
I've totally got it!<br />
What?<br />
Remember the time we got an<br />
elephant to make love to a pig?<br />
Yeah.<br />
I totally know how we<br />
can give the gingers<br />
And the celebrities<br />
what they want,<br />
But keep Muhammad safe.<br />
Come on!<br />
She's going to get our<br />
coffee store next!<br />
Oho!<br />
Jesus Christ!<br />
That's enough, Barbra<br />
Streisand!<br />
Kwaaaaa!<br />
Smith!<br />
Try your ice breath!<br />
No good!<br />
Look out!<br />
Barbra Streisand's using<br />
her toxic stink ray!<br />
Eric, your father never<br />
wanted this to happen.<br />
He was protecting<br />
you as well as them.<br />
Them who?<br />
Eric, you have to understand,<br />
It's all very complicated.<br />
Then start explaining it to me.<br />
Very well.<br />
Come on.<br />
The door is open.<br />
Dr. Mephesto, we need your<br />
Help!<br />
Oh for crying out loud!<br />
Now everybody's<br />
letting themselves in!<br />
Doctor, this is Muhammad.<br />
We want you to clone him!<br />
So we can give his copies to<br />
Gingers and Barbra Streisand.<br />
Oh, alright.<br />
No, no, no, he's not doing<br />
Anything except explaining<br />
who my father is.<br />
Dude, that doesn't matter<br />
to people right now.<br />
It's all that matters.<br />
Dude, nobody gives a crap about<br />
who your stupid father is!<br />
Muhammad is an important issue<br />
with actual ethical rara<br />
I guarantee you, people care way<br />
more about who my father is.<br />
In the small mountain<br />
town of South Park<br />
The holy prophet of the<br />
mormon religion is trying<br />
To fly up to nose of the<br />
deadly female singer<br />
Wahgghgh.<br />
Our powers no working, swallow!<br />
We can't attack streisand's nose.<br />
It's just too big!<br />
We have to find another weak spot!<br />
Moses!<br />
What?<br />
We need to know any weakness<br />
Barbra Streisand might have.<br />
Um, lemme think.<br />
Um.<br />
Oh, I know.<br />
Barbra Streisand can't resist<br />
Singing duets with Neil Diamond.<br />
Alright, I'll build a stage.<br />
Lao tsu, use mind control<br />
to get a huge audience.<br />
Buddha and Smith use<br />
powers to find a band.<br />
Semen, you and swallow go<br />
get us Sushi for dinner.<br />
It's sea man and swallow!<br />
Okay, semen, you guys head off.<br />
Fine!<br />
Swallow, come!<br />
No way he just said that!<br />
Alright, alright.<br />
Look, just tell Cartman who is<br />
Dad is real quick so<br />
we can clone Muhammad.<br />
It's a complicated story.<br />
I just can't tell him quickly.<br />
Then we'll wait because we<br />
have to clone Muhammad now.<br />
Is Muhammad more important than<br />
A little boy's broken heart?<br />
Oh, you are not doing that again.<br />
Look Mephesto, you tell this<br />
Kid who his father<br />
is and you do it now!<br />
Stop talking with<br />
your stupid hand.<br />
Who you calling stupid, Jew?<br />
Come on you guys,<br />
we are running out of time!<br />
Yes?<br />
Hey, I'm sorry to bother you!<br />
There's been an accident<br />
and I need a phone!<br />
Yeah, right.<br />
Let me guess.<br />
You're an African American.<br />
Well, yes, I am, but I don't<br />
Know what that has<br />
to do with anything.<br />
Beat it!<br />
I'm not helping you!<br />
Dude!<br />
That's not cool!<br />
No, no, you don't understand.<br />
We understand you just<br />
Sounded like a freaking racist!<br />
We don't live in the<br />
60s any more, you know.<br />
We have a black president!<br />
Alright, alright.<br />
Jeez.<br />
Ha-Haaa!<br />
Oh crap.<br />
The gingers!<br />
Gingers?<br />
No!<br />
Later, at the legion of doom...<br />
Tom, Tom!<br />
The gingers are<br />
claiming zey have!<br />
What?<br />
Impossible!<br />
Zey are sending a message now!<br />
On screen!<br />
We have Muhammad!<br />
We have Muhammad!<br />
He's useless to you!<br />
You can't get Muhammad's power to<br />
Not be made fun of without the<br />
Rob reiner goo transfer machine!<br />
Why do you think we're calling?<br />
Our boss is willing to share<br />
Muhammad with you if you're<br />
Willing to share the<br />
goo machine with us.<br />
Your boss?<br />
What's going on?<br />
You got what you wanted gingers,<br />
So let us go!<br />
Oh no, no!<br />
The head ginger has plans for you.<br />
What head ginger?<br />
And where is Cartman?<br />
Ha, ha.<br />
The head ginger has something<br />
Really special planned for him.<br />
Hello?<br />
What the hell is this?<br />
Where am I?<br />
You really got yourself<br />
in a mess this time, kid.<br />
Shut up, Conner.<br />
How about I shove this<br />
flashlight in your mouth.<br />
Marrmgmgmmm.<br />
Hello?<br />
I'm here, whoever you are.<br />
Eric Cartman, I've waited<br />
a long time for this.<br />
Daddy?<br />
Guess again.<br />
Welcome, to my chili con carnival!<br />
Chili con carnival?<br />
Wait a minute.<br />
No, it can't be.<br />
Oh, but it can!<br />
Revenge is a dish best served.<br />
Chili!<br />
Scott tenorman.<br />
Oooh.<br />
Meanwhile, at the concert<br />
Stage Jesus built with his power<br />
Of super carpentry...<br />
That's it, Jesus!<br />
The band has been paid and the<br />
Pa system is working!<br />
Alright krishna,<br />
the rest is up to you!<br />
Form of... Neil Diamond!<br />
If you all wouldn't mind, I'd<br />
Like to invite a special friend<br />
To join me on stage.<br />
Miss Barbra Streisand!<br />
Let's hope to Christ this works.<br />
Hello gorgeous.<br />
What'dya say?<br />
Shall we sing together again<br />
Like the ol' times?<br />
Well, that's because I loved<br />
You girl, and I still love you now.<br />
What have you got to say?<br />
That might be true,<br />
but I still miss you at night.<br />
When you roll over by my side,<br />
and you kiss me goodnight --<br />
It worked, Jesus!<br />
Yeah.<br />
And now to find Muhammad<br />
and take down Tom Cruise!<br />
Do you remember when you had<br />
My parents killed and<br />
fed them to me as chili?<br />
I spent quite a while in a<br />
mental institution, Eric.<br />
A lot of time for me to<br />
learn everything about you.<br />
So that one day I<br />
could take you down.<br />
I even learned the<br />
name of your father.<br />
Oh, I know you're confused,<br />
who wouldn't be?<br />
You've been lied to everyone!<br />
Even by your own mother.<br />
What do you know?<br />
I wanted to torment you<br />
with your father's identity.<br />
But what I found was more<br />
Shocking than I could<br />
have possibly guessed!<br />
Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair...<br />
Alright, Muhammad is secure!<br />
Let's do this.<br />
Throw the switch, Rob!<br />
Yes!<br />
I can feel it!<br />
I can feel the power to not be<br />
Ridiculed flowing<br />
through my veins!<br />
Omg!<br />
It worked!<br />
I've done it!<br />
I've done it!<br />
Look at me!<br />
I'm not okay to<br />
make fun of anymore!<br />
Ooh, you lucky fucker.<br />
Welcome everyone to the final<br />
Act of my fabulous chili carnival!<br />
Please!<br />
Leave my boy alone!<br />
Mom?<br />
I got them all here for you, Eric!<br />
To listen while you<br />
got told the truth!<br />
Please, don't!<br />
We have to protect 'em!<br />
Protect who?!<br />
Yes, protect who.<br />
Tell him, Mr. Jimbo!<br />
Protect the Denver Broncos.<br />
Meanwhile....<br />
This is incredible.<br />
Who wants to go next?<br />
I want to be next!<br />
No gingers go next!<br />
Gingers can suck it.<br />
I'm next.<br />
It's my goo machine.<br />
I'm next!<br />
Nobody is going next!<br />
Muhammad is our super best friend.<br />
Let him go!<br />
They can't stop all of us!<br />
Get em!<br />
The Denver Broncos.<br />
There was a right tackle,<br />
See, who had an illegitimate<br />
Child with your slut of a mom!<br />
And everyone here covered it up<br />
To protect the Bronco name!<br />
They were having a<br />
really good year!<br />
There couldn't be<br />
any distractions!<br />
My dad was a Denver Bronco?<br />
Would you like to meet him?<br />
Well you can't.<br />
Ever.<br />
Cuz you see, Eric,<br />
we have something in common.<br />
Did I ever tell you that my father<br />
played for the Denver Broncos?<br />
No, no.<br />
The only Bronco who<br />
lived in South Park.<br />
He got a little bored one week<br />
And had an affair with a<br />
slut named Liane Cartman.<br />
No, please!<br />
Tell him!<br />
You almost did before but you<br />
Got shot by your brother<br />
who was a Bronco fan!<br />
Tell him!<br />
It's true.<br />
Jack Tenorman was your father.<br />
You killed your own father<br />
And then you fed him<br />
to your half brother!<br />
No.<br />
Nooo!<br />
Now, eat your chili!<br />
Keyaa!<br />
The super best friends?<br />
Oh no!<br />
I'll get you, Tom Cruise!<br />
Hey, look!<br />
Tom Cruise has sea man on his<br />
Back.<br />
What did you say?<br />
Oh yeah, Tom Cruise does<br />
have sea man on his back.<br />
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes sea man.<br />
You're not supposed to be able<br />
to make fun of me anymore!<br />
What the hell is going on?<br />
I'll be back, super best friends!<br />
Who's the creepy ginger kid?<br />
Reiner!<br />
You said the goo machine would work,<br />
but I got made fun of!<br />
That's because there<br />
is no goo, Mr. Cruise!<br />
You see, I learned something today.<br />
That's right.<br />
Don't you see, gingers.<br />
That's right.<br />
Yeah.<br />
Alright, people.<br />
Let's start rebuilding our<br />
town for the 39th time.<br />
Oh dude, look!<br />
Hey, Cartman.<br />
Look, man.<br />
We know what you learned<br />
would pretty tough to hear.<br />
Tough to hear?<br />
My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad!<br />
Don't you guys realize<br />
what that means?<br />
Yeah, dude, we know what it means.<br />
My dad was a ginger!<br />
Wait!<br />
What?<br />
I mean, obviously I take<br />
After my mom, but I have the<br />
Ginger gene inside of me!<br />
Dude, you killed your own dad<br />
And you're worried about that?<br />
Hey, Eric!<br />
Eric!<br />
What?<br />
Come on, cheer up.<br />
Cheer up?<br />
I'm half ginger!<br />
Yeah, but you're forgetting.<br />
You're also half Denver Bronco.<br />
That makes you pretty cool.<br />
Hey, you're right.<br />
That does make me pretty cool.<br />
You gotta be kidding me!<br />
Shut up, Kyle.<br />
You dumb Jew.<br />
You've got Bronco<br />
blood in you, kid.<br />
That makes you awesome.<br />
Me?<br />
I should be moving on.<br />
Really, Mitch, you gotta go?<br />
There's a bounty on my head,<br />
And I can't afford to stay in<br />
One place to long.<br />
So long, Denver Bronco.<br />
Take it easy, Conner.<br />
Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I<br />
Said you were a Fudge packer and<br />
That you had sea man on your back.<br />
I just can't do it anymore.<br />
I wanna go away.<br />
But there's nowhere on earth<br />
That people aren't<br />
around to rip on me.<br />
Hey, hey, we know a place.<br />
We know a place where everything<br />
Is just happiness and joy and no<br />
Humans are there to mess it up.<br />
We do?<br />
Oh yeah!<br />
We do!<br />
You... really?<br />
Somewhere where I can live out<br />
My days in peace and quiet?<br />
Oh, please, can you show me where?<br />
We'll do better than that.<br />
We'll help get you there.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-26647063689139619392012-01-03T00:36:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:36:33.254-08:00S14E05 200 (Part 1)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Our factory works<br />
24/7 to produce candy,<br />
and we have over 500 employees!<br />
Here you can see where the cocoa<br />
is mixed with the sugar and milk!<br />
Wow, cool!<br />
Chocolate rules.<br />
You should know, fat ass.<br />
Ay!<br />
I'm not fat, you sneaky jew!<br />
Oh God, you guys,<br />
really? This again?<br />
And here is where all the<br />
Fudge is put into boxes<br />
to be shipped all over the world!<br />
Kinda like Cartman's<br />
dad shipped out on him.<br />
I have a dad, butthole!<br />
My mom is my dad!<br />
You guys, stop!<br />
All you're doing is rehashing<br />
a bunch of old stuff!<br />
Hey Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?<br />
Huh?<br />
Oh wow, it is!<br />
Hey guys, check it out.<br />
Tom Cruise is a Fudge packer.<br />
What did you call me?<br />
Hey, that is Tom Cruise!<br />
How come you're packin' Fudge,<br />
Mr. Cruise?<br />
I'm not a Fudge packer!<br />
Dude, you don't have to<br />
be ashamed or anything.<br />
But I'm not a Fudge packer!<br />
Then why are you packing Fudge?<br />
I'm not.<br />
I'm a very busy actor!<br />
I'm just here trying to get away for<br />
a weekend and do some fly fishing!<br />
Dude, you are in a Fudge<br />
factory packing Fudge.<br />
Oh that does it.<br />
I will sue you!<br />
For what?<br />
You can't just call somebody a<br />
Fudge packer, and get away with it!<br />
Hey is that Fudge<br />
packer Tom Cruise?<br />
That's it!<br />
I'm suing this entire<br />
intolerant town!<br />
- But dude...<br />
- no buts!<br />
You wanna accuse somebody<br />
of being a Fudge packer,<br />
you're gonna pay the consequences!<br />
Guys, I wanna really thank<br />
you all for coming.<br />
Shockingly, I've just been slandered<br />
once again in the town of South Park,<br />
something I know you<br />
all can relate to.<br />
Sure can.<br />
That damn town.<br />
I can't believe it.<br />
That town just seems to be a<br />
hotbed of hatred and lies!<br />
I'm fed up with it.<br />
That town suggested<br />
I was made of shit.<br />
Yeah.<br />
Well, I was just over there<br />
doing some fly fishing,<br />
and this little boy walks up<br />
and calls me a Fudge packer!<br />
Oh man!<br />
That's crazy!<br />
So wrong!<br />
I know, right?<br />
And then other kids in the town and<br />
their teacher start joining in!<br />
South Park, Colorado is<br />
the most insensitive,<br />
racist and bigoted<br />
place in this country!<br />
That town thinks they can say<br />
whatever they want about people<br />
and get away with it.<br />
If anybody has a gripe<br />
against that shit it's me.<br />
Yeah, well, I say enough.<br />
All of us together can<br />
put a stop to the slander<br />
coming from that town<br />
once and for all!<br />
No longer will they make snide<br />
remarks about whoever they want!<br />
Yeah!<br />
Hey, Tom, I ate too much subway.<br />
Where's your bathroom?<br />
Oh just the door down<br />
the hall there, Jared.<br />
No, no, that's a closet.<br />
Go down more.<br />
No, that's a closet too.<br />
No, Jared, that one's a closet.<br />
No. That's a closet.<br />
No, that's a closet.<br />
Stan Marsh to the principal's office.<br />
Stan Marsh come to the<br />
principal's office immediately.<br />
Dude, what'd you do?<br />
I have no idea.<br />
You just had to push it,<br />
didn't you, Stan?<br />
You just had to make fun of Tom<br />
Cruise again!<br />
Did you call him a Fudge packer?<br />
Aww, he was packing Fudge!<br />
Little boy, you don't<br />
understand how serious this is.<br />
Tom Cruise has put together<br />
a class action lawsuit<br />
along with 200 other celebrities!<br />
They're going to Sue the bejeezus<br />
out of this entire town, mkay?<br />
It wasn't just me.<br />
Other kids called him a Fudge packer,<br />
even Mr. Garrison.<br />
But you started it.<br />
Mr. Broflovski,<br />
tell him what you told us.<br />
Stan, a class action lawsuit<br />
means the end of this town.<br />
We can't possibly go up<br />
against their lawyers.<br />
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have<br />
just kept your stupid, ugly kid in line?<br />
Hey, don't start blaming<br />
me for his looks!<br />
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry,<br />
and he would do anything to<br />
take back his hurtful comments.<br />
That's nice.<br />
I'm still suing you all!<br />
Nobody calls me a Fudge packer!<br />
Yes, it was a terrible mistake.<br />
But maybe you could see how...<br />
since you do...<br />
take Fudge and pack<br />
it into a box...<br />
What?<br />
Well, I'm just saying that<br />
you are employed currently<br />
as a person who packages...<br />
I'm an actor!<br />
I do not pack Fudge. Right.<br />
My son just got confused,<br />
because you have a little uniform,<br />
and a hat that says 'Fred's<br />
Fudge and candies.'<br />
and you are...<br />
Look, it doesn't matter.<br />
Just please withdraw the<br />
class-action lawsuit.<br />
Nobody in our town will ever<br />
call you a Fudge packer again.<br />
There is one thing<br />
that your town could do<br />
to maybe make me forget<br />
about this lawsuit.<br />
Anything!<br />
Anything you want, Mr. Cruise!<br />
There's just that there's somebody<br />
I've always wanted to meet.<br />
Face to face.<br />
If you could get him to<br />
show up in your town...<br />
Sure!<br />
Who is it?<br />
We can get anybody for you!<br />
Muhammad.<br />
The prophet of the muslim faith.<br />
Oooh!<br />
That's tricky.<br />
Well, then you can just get sued!<br />
Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we<br />
could try and bring to town we could...<br />
No! Just him!<br />
You get Muhammad to appear in South Park<br />
or your little town is done!<br />
Okay, people, I know, I know!<br />
But he will get the other celebrities<br />
to withdraw their lawsuit<br />
if we just get Muhammad<br />
to appear in South Park.<br />
Are you nuts?<br />
If Muhammad appears in<br />
South Park, we get bombed!<br />
Yeah! That's right!<br />
You tell 'em.<br />
Now, we don't know that!<br />
Maybe enough time has passed that<br />
now it's okay to show Muhammad.<br />
Dude, I can't believe we are dealing<br />
with this Muhammad thing again.<br />
But even if it were safe<br />
now for Muhammad to come,<br />
how would we ever find him?<br />
Yeah, showing an image of him<br />
is completely off limits<br />
and censored so nobody has ever<br />
seen what Muhammad looks like!<br />
I saw him once.<br />
You did?<br />
Yeah, a while ago my friends<br />
joined David Blaine's cult.<br />
I had to go to the super<br />
best friends to rescue them.<br />
Muhammad was one of the<br />
super best friends!<br />
Oh, and what, and he was<br />
just out in the open<br />
where everyone could see<br />
him and nobody got bombed?<br />
No, dude, it was totally fine.<br />
Muhammad showed up and there<br />
was no violence at all?<br />
Well, a giant John wilkes<br />
booth shot Abraham Lincoln...<br />
Alright, Stan, that's enough!<br />
Jesus, you can't learn<br />
to shut up, can you?<br />
Now look, I believe<br />
we can find Muhammad.<br />
I've done a lot of research,<br />
and I've completed a sketch of what<br />
Muhammad could look like today.<br />
No, don't!<br />
Is that okay to show?<br />
I don't know.<br />
I guess we'll see.<br />
Tom, what is up with<br />
this Muhammad thing?<br />
It doesn't make sense.<br />
Yeah, you said we were<br />
just suing South Park!<br />
No, I said we were going<br />
to use South Park<br />
to make sure we never<br />
got ripped on again.<br />
Look, people,<br />
all of us get ridiculed,<br />
but who is the one<br />
person on this earth<br />
that is completely<br />
free from slander?<br />
You want Muhammad because<br />
he can't be ridiculed?<br />
Muhammad has a power that makes him<br />
impervious to being made fun of.<br />
What if we could<br />
harness that power?<br />
Jimmy buffet!<br />
How would you like it if nobody<br />
could call your music drunken<br />
frat boy monkey garbage?<br />
I'd love it.<br />
By taking what Muhammad has we<br />
would all be safe from ridicule.<br />
Like TimBurton here!<br />
Imagine it, Tim,<br />
nobody could rip on you<br />
for all the rehashed<br />
movies you've made lately.<br />
There'd never be a tv show<br />
that pointed out you haven't<br />
had an original thought<br />
since beetlejuice and<br />
you put Johnny depp<br />
and the same crappy<br />
music in every film<br />
and that if you're that<br />
in love with Johnny depp<br />
you should just have<br />
sex with him already.<br />
A tv show could never say that?<br />
Gee, that'd be swell.<br />
Well, it can be a reality.<br />
Once we have Muhammad,<br />
we can take his power from him!<br />
Excuse me.<br />
This is the home of<br />
Tom Cruise, right?<br />
Hey!<br />
It's one of the kids from<br />
South Park that slandered me!<br />
I didn't come for myself.<br />
I'm just an escort for another celebty<br />
that wants to get in on your lawsuit.<br />
Who?<br />
Allo!<br />
Jennifer Lopez!<br />
Hey Jen!<br />
Ahh!<br />
Wow!<br />
Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez,<br />
and I like tacos and burritos!<br />
In the great hall of<br />
the super best friends<br />
there are assembled the leaders<br />
of the world's biggest religions!<br />
Jesus!<br />
Buddha!<br />
Krishna!<br />
Muhammad!<br />
Lao Tsu and Joseph Smith!<br />
And the mighty semen!<br />
It's not semen.<br />
It's sea man!<br />
Their mission,<br />
to right that which is wrong!<br />
And to serve all mankind!<br />
Jus, all we are asking to do is bring<br />
Muhammad to our town for like an hour.<br />
My son, much has changed<br />
since you were last here.<br />
Muhammad cannot make<br />
public appearances.<br />
We simply cannot risk any<br />
violence from the muslim people.<br />
Aw, not you guys too!<br />
Jesus fucking Christ!<br />
Later at the hall of<br />
the super best friends!<br />
Okay, will you let Muhammad<br />
come to South Park<br />
if we dress him up like a pirate?<br />
No, muslims would still be<br />
angry you showed his face.<br />
Kay.<br />
What if we cover his<br />
face with a paper bag?<br />
No, because you'd still be<br />
showing him walking around.<br />
That could be trouble.<br />
Okay. A suit of arr.<br />
We just had muhmain a suit of<br />
armor so you can't see anything.<br />
But it's still muhaad walking<br />
around in human form.<br />
Come on, this is ridiculous!<br />
Boys!<br />
You must understand,<br />
that people get very offended<br />
when Muhammad be mocd cause<br />
he is a religious figure!<br />
Buddha, don't do coke<br />
in front of kids!<br />
A u-haul. What if we bring Muhammado<br />
South Park in the back of u-haul<br />
and he just stays in<br />
there out of sight.<br />
But he's talking from the u-haul?<br />
Wul, yeah, he's gotta talk or<br />
nobody knows he's in there!<br />
Hearing his hoice, I dunno.<br />
What do you think, Moses?<br />
Um. Would there be<br />
windows on the u-haul?<br />
There d doesn't have to be.<br />
Umm, I guess.<br />
I guess that would be okay.<br />
Here it is, friends!<br />
Once we have Muhammad<br />
this machine will give us his<br />
power to not be made fun of!<br />
Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate.<br />
Only Muhammad has that ability.<br />
How could we ever get it from him?<br />
We take his goo.<br />
It'as simple as that people.<br />
Rob reiner has been<br />
telling me about the goo<br />
which is inside every<br />
person on earth.<br />
Any goo can be harvested<br />
from a person's body<br />
and easily placed into another.<br />
Wait.<br />
You mean we aren't gonna Sue<br />
and get a bunch of money?<br />
No, Jen!<br />
We've all got enough money!<br />
Yes, who needs more money?<br />
We need to get Muhammad's goo!<br />
Yes, yes, arriba arriba!<br />
Uh, excuse us for a second.<br />
Alright. Just what the hell<br />
do you think you're doing?<br />
What am I doing?<br />
Just having some fun, cholo.<br />
Cut the crap.<br />
I thought we were here<br />
for lawsuit money!<br />
Just keep your mouth shut,<br />
and do what I tell you.<br />
If we're staying here then I<br />
want to know what's going on.<br />
Don't forget I know<br />
who you really are.<br />
Mitch Conner.<br />
If you know what's good for you,<br />
you'll keep your mouth shut, kid.<br />
You're a no good swindler<br />
and a two-bit thief.<br />
We were here for money, not goo!<br />
Think about it.<br />
Muhammad is the only person in the<br />
world that can't get ripped on.<br />
Those celebrities want his goo.<br />
Yeah, so what?<br />
You know what that goo is<br />
worth on the open market?<br />
Hell, I got people in Hong Kong<br />
would give me 50 mil for that goo.<br />
So we let them take it from Muhammad,<br />
then we steal it for ourselves.<br />
You catch on quick, kid.<br />
Mrs. Lopez?<br />
Someone's coming.<br />
Get my wig back on!<br />
Hey, I was just seeing<br />
if you needed some...<br />
Oh God, you found my<br />
Fudge packing uniform.<br />
Ohhhh, your secret is<br />
safe with me, Tommy.<br />
Boys, we are so sorry<br />
for doubting you.<br />
You really did bring us Muhammad.<br />
Thank you so much<br />
for coming, muhamma<br />
welcome.<br />
Ooh, is that okay?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Alright.<br />
Now we just need to figure out<br />
how to get Muhammad from the back<br />
of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo.<br />
What?<br />
No, dad, we promised Muhammad<br />
would stay in the truck.<br />
Cruise's lawyers were<br />
very specific, boys.<br />
He's sending a limo for Muhammad<br />
to meet him outside of town.<br />
But Muhammad can't be seen dad!<br />
Alright. We'll put<br />
a sheet over him.<br />
No, you can't even show his feet.<br />
How about a Halloween costume<br />
with one of those plastic masks?<br />
No, you could still see his eyes.<br />
Okay. How about like<br />
a big mascot outfit.<br />
One that covered him completely<br />
head to toe, not even showing<br />
his eyes.<br />
Muhammad, would that be okay?<br />
Okay.<br />
Tom, Rob!<br />
We've just received word from<br />
the lawyers.<br />
South Park is saying they have<br />
Muhammad for us!<br />
Rob, will the machine be<br />
ready?<br />
Oh, it'll be ready!<br />
More tacos!<br />
I want more tacos!<br />
No!<br />
No more tacos, miss Lopez!<br />
More tacos!<br />
You just had seven tacos!<br />
I want more tacos!<br />
I'm sorry.<br />
Why are you doing this?<br />
I am Jennifer Lopez.<br />
I need tacos to live!<br />
You know God damn well you're<br />
not really Jennifer Lopez.<br />
Now stop pissing me off!<br />
Miss Lopez, I can go.<br />
What'dya want like three tacos?<br />
Oh, thank you, haeen!<br />
And maybe an enchirito too?<br />
Aw Jesus, they don't even<br />
make enchiritos anymore!<br />
Yes, they do!<br />
No, I tried getting one last week.<br />
Not all tacos bells have enchiritos<br />
but some still carry them.<br />
God, will somebody shut her up?<br />
Alright, the limo's here.<br />
Muhammad, thanks again<br />
for doing this.<br />
You've done this town<br />
a huge favor, Muhammad.<br />
Hold on a second! Stop!<br />
There are some<br />
extremists threatening<br />
that if we give Muhammad<br />
to the celebrities,<br />
they're gonna bomb us!<br />
What?<br />
Oh, it's just a stupid<br />
threat, come on.<br />
We don't wanna piss<br />
of Tom Cruise again.<br />
Alright, we got him, Tom!<br />
Muhammad! Are you okay?<br />
What the hell was that?<br />
Obviously the<br />
terrorists are for real!<br />
What does that paper say?<br />
We have placed bombs<br />
all over your city<br />
you will give Muhammad to us.<br />
Celebrities want Muhammad for<br />
his power to not be ridiculed.<br />
We want that power.<br />
"Hazaa."<br />
They want his power?<br />
What kind of extremists are these?<br />
You won't believe it.<br />
Our time is near!<br />
Soon gingers will never<br />
be made fun of again!<br />
Hazaaaaaaa!<br />
Where the hell do you<br />
think you're going?<br />
I'm through with your<br />
stupid plans, Conner.<br />
I've got better things<br />
to do with my time!<br />
You're gonna walk<br />
away from 50 mil?<br />
Let me by.<br />
You walk away now and you'll<br />
regret it the rest of your life.<br />
Screw this, Conner.<br />
Find yourself another partner.<br />
Then I guess I won't<br />
tell uaburrathe!<br />
My father?<br />
Thought that might<br />
get your attention.<br />
You know nothing<br />
about your dad, right?<br />
I know enough.<br />
My mother is a hermaphrodite.<br />
So she is actually my father.<br />
You really still<br />
believe that garbage?<br />
The people in your town<br />
sold you that line!<br />
Come on, you've had to<br />
have doubted it all along.<br />
How would you know anything<br />
about who my family is?<br />
Huh, I know all about the swindles<br />
and schemes in this dead end town.<br />
You got lied to, kid.<br />
By the people who<br />
were closest to you.<br />
I can prove it, too.<br />
But I'm gonna want<br />
something in return.<br />
If you're making this up to keep me around,<br />
Conner, then you better...<br />
You just take me where I tell you.<br />
And when you learn the truth,<br />
you'll learn to trust me.<br />
And nobody else.<br />
Alright. People, try to evacuate<br />
in an orderly fashion. Jeez.<br />
Hn<br />
mayor, we do not have the resources<br />
to deal with this situation.<br />
A full evacuation is impossible.<br />
Jesus Christ,<br />
what are we supposed to do?<br />
We have to give in to the demands!<br />
I'm sorry, Muhammad,<br />
but we're going to have to<br />
give you over to the gingers.<br />
We can't hand him<br />
over to the gingers!<br />
Yeah, we said we'd<br />
take care of him!<br />
But our homes and<br />
lives are at stake!<br />
Dad, we mad a promise. To Jesus.<br />
Stan, Jesus doesn't matter<br />
where Muhammad is involved.<br />
That'll be Tom Cruise.<br />
Hello?<br />
Yeah, so what's going on?<br />
I'm afraid we can't<br />
give Muhammad to you.<br />
What'dya mean you're<br />
not giving him to us?<br />
There are these ginger<br />
fundamentalists saying<br />
if we don't give Muhammad to<br />
them they're gonna bomb us.<br />
Gingers?<br />
Gingers! Oh hell no!<br />
Please understand that we have<br />
no choice here, Mr. Cruise.<br />
You're gonna give Muhammad<br />
to gingers instead of us<br />
just because they are<br />
threatening you with violence?<br />
Wul, yeah.<br />
Oh we can play that game too!<br />
You wanna see violence, you got it!<br />
God damn stupid assholes!<br />
They wanna play rough?<br />
Okay!<br />
Spielberg go and get<br />
some automatic rifles!!<br />
We'll go in there and we're<br />
gonna take Muhammad by force<br />
and we're gonna show 'em.<br />
Tom!<br />
Tom!<br />
We can't be seen getting violent.<br />
Yeah, that would kill<br />
all our careers!<br />
But the only way we're<br />
gonna get Muhammad now<br />
is by getting just as violent<br />
with South Park as the gingers!<br />
Fine. Then let's have her do it.<br />
Her who?<br />
You know, her.<br />
Oh, right, her!<br />
There she is, Tom.<br />
Barbara streisand.<br />
My God!<br />
She's even more terrifying<br />
than I remembered.<br />
Tom, Barbara streisand hasn't<br />
been active for a long time.<br />
Are we sure we wanna do this?<br />
Mrs. streisand was blown apart<br />
in the town of South Park.<br />
She's probably more angry<br />
at that town than any of us.<br />
Power her up.<br />
Release the kiken!<br />
Bar-boora!<br />
Barrr-boora!<br />
Ichiban kirai na hito.<br />
Bar-boora, bar-boora!<br />
Hana ga ookii!<br />
Hey Barbara!<br />
It's me, Rob reiner.<br />
Listen, babs.<br />
We're taking on the town of South<br />
park and we really need your help.<br />
We figured you're pissed off at<br />
South Park too, right, Mrs. streisand?<br />
Oh she's pissed alright.<br />
Eric?<br />
What are you doing here?<br />
Did you all lie to me?<br />
All of you, in that room.<br />
When you told me my<br />
mother was my father.<br />
What? No, Eric.<br />
Are you still worried about<br />
that ol' issue, I mean...<br />
I don't trust you.<br />
I want to talk to Mr. Hat.<br />
Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat<br />
in a long time and...<br />
I said get Mr. Hat!<br />
Put it on.<br />
Do the voice.<br />
Hello kids!<br />
It's me, Mr. Hat.<br />
Good to see you, Hat.<br />
Hell of a night, isn't it?<br />
I... I don't believe I know you.<br />
The name's Mitch Conner.<br />
Flew the same division<br />
as you back in Saigon.<br />
Eric, this is silly.<br />
Why don't we just stop...<br />
Keep your hand up.<br />
Alright, gingers.<br />
We have Muhammad for you.<br />
Now hand over the detonators.<br />
Nuh-uh!<br />
First you gotta prove that's<br />
still Muhammad in there.<br />
Have him step out<br />
of the bear costume.<br />
Ooohh.<br />
Dude, we can't do that.<br />
Show us it's Muhammad or<br />
South Park is finished!<br />
Dammit Mitch, you're asking questions<br />
that shouldn't be answered.<br />
So you admit it.<br />
There was a cover up.<br />
No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore!<br />
Yeah!<br />
Tell him what you know!<br />
Alright, Eric.<br />
Your father was in the room<br />
the day of your DNA test.<br />
But the results were tampered.<br />
By who? Goddamnit, Garrison.<br />
Who is my father?<br />
<div><br />
</div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-86383503904455276242012-01-03T00:35:00.005-08:002012-01-03T00:35:57.038-08:00S14E04 You Have 0 Friends<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
I've got more friends than Kyle!<br />
How the hell do you have more friends than me?<br />
Cuz people think i'm cool, dude.<br />
How many friends do you have, Kenny?<br />
63. What?<br />
How the hell do i only have 37 friends?<br />
Aww, are you guys doing that stupid facebook stuff again?<br />
Stupid facebook stuff!<br />
Why are you guys in here wasting your time?<br />
We're supposed to be out playing video games!<br />
Stan, you don't get how cool facebook has become.<br />
You can message your friends,<br />
Play yahtzee with your friends,<br />
Even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it!<br />
Dude, who the hell wants to play yahtzee?<br />
Stan, we know it's hard to get started,<br />
But we have a little surprise for you.<br />
Yeah, dude, we made you your own facebook page!<br />
Surprise!<br />
No! I told you guys i don't wanna be on facebook!<br />
Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!<br />
Yeah!<br />
I'm not collecting friends and i'm not building any farms.<br />
I don't wanna get sucked into this!<br />
Alright. Fine, dude, you don't have to add any friends.<br />
You can just be like Kipdrordy.<br />
Who? - Kip Drordy, the third grader.<br />
He's got no facebook friends.<br />
And he's had a profile for more than six months!<br />
Aw, gee that's so sad.<br />
Everyone should have one facebook friend.<br />
You guys are retarded. I'm playing xbox.<br />
There's really people out there without a facebook friend in the world?<br />
That's so wrong.<br />
[You have 0 friends]<br />
[Kyle broflovski has added you as a friend.]<br />
[Confirm Kyle as your friend?]<br />
[Confirm]<br />
[You have 1 friends]<br />
Mom! Dad!<br />
I made a friend today!<br />
Kip! Really?<br />
You did?<br />
Yeah!<br />
Oh son, that's wonderful!<br />
What's his name?<br />
Kyle broflovski!<br />
He's a student and his interests include video games and reading!<br />
Oh, is he a nice boy?<br />
Oh, he's the best, mom!<br />
He has a green hat and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas!<br />
Ooh! I need to tell him what i'm currently thinking about!<br />
What am i currently thinking about?<br />
Hey, Stan, i was on my computer at work and saw that<br />
You have a facebook page now.<br />
Yeah, dad i was kinda forced to.<br />
Wul, so, are you gonna add me as a friend?<br />
No, dad. I really don't want to get more into it.<br />
Oh okay.<br />
So i'm not your friend, then?<br />
Dad, you are my friend.<br />
But you just don't want to add me as a friend.<br />
Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button that takes two seconds.<br />
Right, but you don't have the two seconds or --<br />
I just want to do my homework.<br />
Alright, fine.<br />
Just to be clear, you and i are not friends?<br />
Alright, dad! I'll add you!<br />
Oh, cool! Okay.<br />
Mom, dad!<br />
My best friend, Kyle,<br />
He went to the dentist yesterday and got two fillings!<br />
And today he's wondering if "hurt locker" really deserved the oscar!<br />
That's great kip!<br />
Yeah!<br />
They sure are getting to know each other.<br />
It's amazing.<br />
You know Kipspent the morning at the boy's farm?<br />
His friend lives on a farm?<br />
Think i'll add some more pigs.<br />
Ooh, maybe i should put in another field of corn there.<br />
There we go!<br />
Nice.<br />
29?<br />
No, i have 30 friend --<br />
Hey, what the ll i...<br />
Oh, no!<br />
Oh shit!<br />
Am i a joke to you?<br />
What?<br />
I just wanna know is that all i am? A big joke?<br />
Ummm, no?<br />
You do have a facebook page, Stan!<br />
Aw, god dammit.<br />
No, i just got that because Kyle --<br />
I saw your page, Stan.<br />
Relationship status? Single?<br />
Relationship status?<br />
I didn't even pay any attention to --<br />
You like being single, Stan?<br />
So that you can use facebook to find other girls.<br />
According to your facebook page, we aren't friends.<br />
Alright. I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry!<br />
And you better change your relationship status to in a relationship!<br />
How?<br />
By editing your profile under basic information!<br />
Okay! I'm sorry!<br />
Edit profile.<br />
Basic settings. Jesus christ.<br />
Stan, why won't you be friends with grandma?<br />
Aw, dad, i just really don't want to pay attention to this thing --<br />
Grandma is in the hospital<br />
And you won't even be friends with her!<br />
Alright, dad, i'll add grandma as a friend.<br />
That's better.<br />
Oh, and i sent you a funny picture, and you didn't respond to it.<br />
Dude, fuck facebook, seriously.<br />
What the hell is this?<br />
Podcast?<br />
Welcome to cartman's incredible podcast!<br />
Hello fellow, facebookers.<br />
I am here to do one thing: get you more friends!<br />
Looking around facebook today<br />
We see that since adding loser Kipdrordy as a friend,<br />
Kyle broflovski's stock is plummeting.<br />
He had 55 friends just two days ago.<br />
He's down to just 11 this morning.<br />
Run to your facebook account<br />
And delete Kyle from your friends list because he is poison,<br />
And i don't see him making a comeback any time soon!<br />
You're going to want to dump Kyle<br />
And if at all possible add clyde donovan.Why?<br />
Birthday!<br />
That's right, clyde has a birthday coming up,<br />
And his mom is taking everyone to casa bonita.<br />
If you don't have clyde as a friend,<br />
You're going to want to add him<br />
Because clyde's numbers are about to go way up.<br />
And now word on the street!<br />
Word on the street!<br />
The rumors are now becoming more than that.<br />
Jimmy and bebe have agreed to share their friends!<br />
That's right, it looks like we are about to have a merger!<br />
Merger!<br />
So if you're a friend of jimmy's,<br />
You're about to luck into about 90 chick friends.<br />
And as we all know chick friends,<br />
Are worth almost triple what dude friends are.<br />
That's all the time i have for today.<br />
Remember, update that profile and steer clear of Kyle!<br />
- Can i come in? - Sure, dude.<br />
Dude, what's the matter?<br />
I don't have any friends.<br />
What?<br />
I mean i do, but --<br />
Ever since i became friends with that Kipdrordy kid<br />
A bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me.<br />
It would be fine except my farm is starting to shrink.<br />
I know that i should just dump Kipas a friend,<br />
But that's such a terrible thing to do, and --<br />
I'm sorry. I'm just so confused.<br />
I really need a friend right now.<br />
Okay, dude, i'm here for you.<br />
Okay. So then go get on facebook and fertilize my crops.<br />
No.<br />
Please!<br />
My farm hasn't expanded in three days!<br />
Dude, i've already had to become friends with<br />
All of wendy's friends and my grandma's friends!<br />
I do not wanna start doing all the farming stuff, too!<br />
I'm not getting sucked into that!<br />
You don't get sucked into it!<br />
You don't get sucked in at all!<br />
Please!<br />
Fuck!<br />
Okay. It says i'm at your farm.<br />
Okay. So now just click on the little soil button<br />
And then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm.<br />
Okay. Now i can read the sign you put up.<br />
Okay. It says you and i are now very good friends.<br />
Yeah, we're very good friends!<br />
We're very good friends, Stan!<br />
So kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?<br />
Oh yeah, dad!<br />
We've been having the best time!<br />
I showed him all the pictures of me in that silly halloween costume last year!<br />
Oh? What'd he say about those?<br />
He laughed out loud!<br />
And then he was rolling on the floor laughing!<br />
Sounds like you boys had a ball!<br />
Mom, dad, i'm all done!<br />
Can i go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what i had for dinner?<br />
Well, it's a little late, but it is friday.<br />
I think the more time you spend with your little friend the better.<br />
Wow, thanks!<br />
Have fun and be safe!<br />
Ate pork chop for dinner had nice apple sauce too!<br />
I think you look cute in your bunny costume.<br />
What?<br />
I think you look cute in your bunny costume?<br />
What is that supposed to mean?<br />
I have no idea!<br />
That's what susan92 wrote on your facebook wall!<br />
You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?<br />
Fuck you!<br />
Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old!<br />
Oh hey, Stan!<br />
I'm your friend brian through your uncle jimbo?<br />
Hey, i commented on your status<br />
But haven't heard back from you.<br />
Could you give me a poke sometime soon?<br />
Fine.<br />
Hey kid! How come you ignored my friend request?<br />
I don't know you!<br />
Yeah, well, i'm just a guy that gets ignored i guess!<br />
Stan, grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.<br />
Dad, i didn't even want to do this.<br />
Stan, poke your grandma!<br />
No, no!<br />
Screw this! You know what?<br />
Edit profile<br />
Update profile.<br />
There! Delete profile.<br />
You have requested to delete for facebook profile,<br />
If this is an error hit cancel.<br />
Proceed.<br />
Delete your profile. Are you sure?<br />
Yes, no? Yes.<br />
Are you totally sure?<br />
Yes!<br />
I'm afraid i can't let you do that, Stan marsh.<br />
Can't let me do that?<br />
What are you talking about?<br />
I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.<br />
Delete profile.<br />
Are you totally sure? Yes/no, yes.<br />
God dammit yes!<br />
Delete!<br />
Hey dad?<br />
Dad?<br />
Oh, dude, what the fuck?<br />
Alright get moving, profile.<br />
Profile?<br />
I'm not a profile!<br />
Ignore.<br />
Tom davis says hello to linda green's profile!<br />
Linda green likes how tom davis has changed his status.<br />
Excuse me. My name is -- Ignore.<br />
Hey, could you tell me how i-- Ignore.<br />
Aw, god dammit.<br />
I got sucked into facebook!<br />
I don't know what to do.<br />
I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up.<br />
I'm desperate.<br />
That's why i came to you.<br />
You're very smart, Kyle.<br />
But the truth is, as long as you have<br />
That Kipdrordy loser as a facebook friend,<br />
People view your friendship as a liability.<br />
You gotta dump him.<br />
I can't do that. I just feel too bad.<br />
Well, Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles<br />
And try to make friends with people who've never heard of kip.<br />
I've been trying!<br />
But i just don't know how to make totally new friends on the internet.<br />
It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle.<br />
Have you ever heard of chat roulette?<br />
No. What's chat roulette?<br />
Yup. Finding new friends is easier today than ever before.<br />
We just set ourselves up on webcam.<br />
And then the computer will randomly put us with<br />
One of the 50,000 people online also doing chat roulette.<br />
Hey, that's kinda cool.<br />
Uh-Huh. Alright. Let's see who our first chat partner is.<br />
Connect.<br />
Aw, that's some dude jacking off!<br />
Oh, yeah, you get those sometimes.<br />
We'll just click to the next person.<br />
There we go. Hello?<br />
That's just a guy's penis, too!<br />
Okay. Let's try this one.<br />
Dude, i don't wanna see a bunch of guy's penises!<br />
Hold on, Kyle!<br />
This is seriously an amazing gathering place<br />
Where people from all around the world can share their thoughts and ideas!<br />
Okay. That's a dude jacking off, but --<br />
Okay. Dude jacking off.<br />
Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.<br />
Ah, here's a guy.<br />
Hey, dude, how's it goin?<br />
Hey.<br />
This is my friend Kyle.<br />
He looking for some new friends.<br />
Oh yeah?<br />
Oh, he's taking out his penis.<br />
Okay. Next guy.<br />
Dude, screw this. I don't wanna see anymore!<br />
Kyle, that's the way the world works!<br />
If you wanna find some quality friends,<br />
You can wade through all the dicks first!<br />
Excuse me.<br />
Could you please tell me what the hell is going on?<br />
No, you aren't my friend.<br />
Would you like to be my friend?<br />
No, i seriously don't want anymore friends.<br />
Ignore.<br />
So, anyway i really like taking long walks in the summer, you know --<br />
Okay, okay. I'll be your friend.<br />
Confirm.<br />
Ooh, tom davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend!<br />
Here are some pictures of my dog.<br />
And here he is in some silly outfits.<br />
Can you comment on these?<br />
Move it, profile!<br />
Oh, oh. What -- Oh oh?<br />
They're taking him to the gaming arena.<br />
Looks like i'm gonna be down a friend.<br />
You are about to face each other in combat!<br />
You will play the game for the amusement of the users.<br />
Let the game commence!<br />
Yahtzee?<br />
One round only! Begin!<br />
Uhh, i'm going to count fives, my five box.<br />
Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?<br />
Play profile!<br />
Yahtzee.<br />
Dude jacking off, dude jacking off!<br />
That's a dude jacking off.<br />
That's it, cartman. I'm outta here!<br />
Chat roulette is no way for me to find new friends!<br />
Wait, wait, Kyle!<br />
Here's a nice little jewish kid!<br />
Hey. Hi there! Hello.<br />
Hey, nice to meet you.<br />
My friend Kyle is a jew, too!<br />
Oh. That's cool.<br />
I was starting to think this was nothing but dudes jacking off.<br />
Hey so, do you wanna be facebook friends?<br />
Well, sure, if you'll come and visit my farm.<br />
Heck yeah, i'll visit your farm.<br />
You should check my out too!<br />
Honey, where's kip?<br />
I haven't seen him all day.<br />
No, he's been out spending the whole day out with his best friend Kyle.<br />
I think they're at the movies now.<br />
Troublemaker!<br />
You were not supposed to survive the game of yahtzee!<br />
You have made things complicated!<br />
I've made them complicated?<br />
I don't even want to be here!<br />
That's not what your profile said.<br />
My profile?<br />
God dammit, my facebook profile has taken on a life of its own!<br />
Where is it?<br />
Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of facebook.<br />
You cannot stop it now.<br />
Oh yeah?<br />
I can try.<br />
After him!<br />
Okay, i fed the pigs.<br />
Now i definitely should water the fields.<br />
Oh wow, cool!<br />
That jewish kid put up a sign on my farm!<br />
"Hey Kyle. Really like your farm."<br />
Oh awesome!<br />
What the hell is that?<br />
Stan?<br />
You're an asshole, Kyle!<br />
What?<br />
What's the one thing i told you?<br />
That i didn't want to get sucked into facebook!<br />
This is all your fault!<br />
Dude, what are you doing?<br />
What's it look like i'm doing?<br />
I found your farm on facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit!<br />
You gotta go check my profile status.<br />
Profile status?<br />
Just bring up my facebook page and see what it says my status is!<br />
Wul, Stan i have to harvest my crops before it's too late.<br />
Dude, fuck your crops!<br />
Dude! Dude okay! Stop!<br />
I'm sorry!<br />
It says that you are currently<br />
Hosting an online chat party for all your friends.<br />
Where? Cafeworld.<br />
Son of a bitch.<br />
An online chat party for all his friends?<br />
Dude i should get over there!<br />
Jesus christ.<br />
Randy marsh is at work right now. Work is boring!<br />
Randy marsh is at work right now. Work is boring!<br />
Butters stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party!<br />
Herbert garrison likes butter's comment!<br />
Grandma marsh would like to be friends with kevin donohue.<br />
Kevin donahue accepts grandma marsh's friendship!<br />
Has anybody seen my stupid profile?<br />
Susan 92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume!<br />
Gary johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!<br />
Wow, there's a lot of profiles here!<br />
Kyle broflovski is amazed Stan has so many facebook friends!<br />
Hey, Kyle broflovski is amazed isayah is also a facebook friend of Stan's!<br />
Isayah zordon is deleting Kyle broflovski as a friend.<br />
What? Why?<br />
User saw your are friends with a Kipdrordy who only has one friend.<br />
Kyle broflovski is bad friend stock.<br />
Aw, no, i'm not really friends with him. Ignore.<br />
Ugh, that does it!<br />
Alright, alright, enough!<br />
Everybody just shut up!<br />
Where is profile Stan marsh?<br />
Right heeere.<br />
Oh, oh.<br />
I'm sorry, kip, but i really can't be your friend anymore.<br />
It was a great ride, but i must say goodbye.<br />
This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do,<br />
But ending a friendship is never easy.<br />
What do you want from me, dude?<br />
I'm your profile.<br />
And as you can see, i am much more powerful than you.<br />
Dammit! I should have deleted you a long time ago!<br />
Why do you think i brought you in here?<br />
The fact of the matter is i'm up<br />
And running now with almost a million friends.<br />
I don't need you anymore.<br />
I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.<br />
Who cares?<br />
Friends shouldn't be some kind of commodity for a person's status!<br />
Who is more powerful, the user or the profile?<br />
Let's end this once and for all.<br />
Let the final battle begin!<br />
Fucking yahtzee again? Seriously?<br />
What did i tell you!<br />
That's a straight flush already!<br />
You don't have a chance in here, user!<br />
Your pathetic little -- Yahtzee.<br />
What?<br />
Yahtzee. Sixes.<br />
No! It can't be!<br />
Yahtzeee!<br />
No!<br />
Oh, thank god.<br />
Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?<br />
My facebook profile went rogue, dad.<br />
Had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it.<br />
I sent all my friends somewhere else.<br />
Oh okay.<br />
So we're not friends then?<br />
Fuck off, dad.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-1580532961951661632012-01-03T00:35:00.003-08:002012-01-03T00:35:29.575-08:00S14E03 Medicinal Fried Chicken<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
All characters and events in this show--Even those based on real people are entirely fictional.All celebrity voices are<br />
impersonated...poorly.The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.<br />
{/A6}I'm goin' down to south<br />
park gonna have myself a time<br />
{/A6}friendly faces everywhere h<br />
umble folks without temptation<br />
{/A6}goin' down to south park<br />
gonna leave my woes behind<br />
{/A6}ample parking day or night<br />
people spouting howdy neighbor<br />
{/A6}heading on up to south park<br />
gonna see if I can't unwind<br />
{/A6}come on down to south park<br />
and meet some friends of mine<br />
21!22!23!24!25!<br />
Oh,I wish I could exercise<br />
with the rest of the team,coach.<br />
But I've got such a belly ache.<br />
You seem to have a stomach ache<br />
every time we do drills and exercises.<br />
I know,it sucks!<br />
Alright,kids.Practice is over for today.<br />
Kfc!<br />
Oh boy!Oh boy!<br />
I'm gonna get a three-Piece<br />
meal and crispy strips!<br />
Cartman,you only come to<br />
soccer practice on fridays,<br />
And that's only because we get to<br />
have kentucky fried chicken afterwards!<br />
Shut up,you shifty jew!<br />
I'll kill you!<br />
Oh sorry,sorry.<br />
I just-- You know when I've been waiting<br />
too long for the colonel's chicken,<br />
I get easily agitated.<br />
You're a kenny!<br />
Ugh.Sorry.<br />
Oh,here we are!Here we are!<br />
Hey,it looks different.<br />
Hey,uh,what's up with the KFC?<br />
Oh,it's not a KFC anymore.<br />
It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary.<br />
A what?<br />
Dude,what the?What the?<br />
So where's the KFC now?<br />
Alright,boys,wait out here.Let<br />
me see what's going on.<br />
Can I help you,sir?<br />
Yeah,uh,we were actually<br />
looking to get some KFC.<br />
Oh,yeah.Sorry,that's gone.<br />
We only sell marijuana here.<br />
Really?<br />
I'm mean,you're openly<br />
selling pot for reals?<br />
Sure.<br />
New state laws say it's okay.<br />
Woo-Hoo,alright!<br />
I love the future!<br />
Let's see,I'll take half a<br />
pound of that jamaican passion<br />
And gimme some of that<br />
purplish stuff too!<br />
Alright.<br />
I'll just need to see<br />
your physician's reference.<br />
My huh?<br />
Well,sir,we can't just sel<br />
the marijuana to anybody.<br />
You need a reference from your<br />
doctor to show it's necessary.<br />
Oh,that's dumb.<br />
Okay,okay,I'll be right back<br />
- What'd they say?<br />
- Kfc's gone.<br />
Been replaced.<br />
That can't do that!<br />
This is the only KFC<br />
in all of south park.<br />
Yeah,well,I gotta get to the doctor.<br />
The doctor?But dad,we wanna eat first.<br />
I gotta get to the doctor.<br />
So no KFC?<br />
This is a nightmare.<br />
This is a nightmare and I can't wake up!<br />
Well,mr.Marsh,it looks like<br />
you are in perfect health.<br />
Your blood work came back great,and<br />
all your vitals appear normal.<br />
Alright!<br />
Yup,you check out fine.<br />
That's great.<br />
So can I get a referral from you?<br />
For what?<br />
Medicinal marijuana.<br />
There's a shop that<br />
opened in the old KFC<br />
And they said I need a<br />
doctor's referral to buy weed.<br />
Mr.Marsh,you don't qualify<br />
for medicinal marijuana.<br />
But you said I'm totally healthy!<br />
Medicinal marijuana is for<br />
people who aren't healthy!<br />
Aids patients,cancer patients.<br />
You know?People going through chemo.<br />
The thc helps them<br />
eat and take the pain.<br />
You are in fine shape!<br />
Wul,that sucks.<br />
Wul,so,doctor,how do<br />
most people get cancer?<br />
Well,there's a lot of<br />
ways you can get cancer.<br />
Yeah,but what's the quickest way?<br />
The what?<br />
Wul,like,what forms of<br />
cancer induce in time<br />
***<br />
For the ziggy marley concert<br />
next saturday in denver?<br />
Mom,drive faster.<br />
The KFC in salida is a<br />
long way away,sweetie.<br />
Be patient.<br />
Shut up and drive faster!<br />
I've been waiting for chicken too long!<br />
Eric,we're almost to frisco.<br />
Why don't we just go to the<br />
church's fried chicken there?<br />
What?<br />
Church's fried chicken tastes like cat!<br />
Alright,honey,let's take it easy.<br />
**** you!<br />
No!No!What's going on?<br />
Move aside!<br />
It's closed,kid.There's<br />
nothing in there.<br />
No,you can't do this.<br />
The KFC in my town is closed,too!<br />
Yeah.Well,that's because of the vote last<br />
november to ban fast food in low income areas.<br />
You mean I have to drive all<br />
the way to denver to get chicken?<br />
No!You don't get it kid.<br />
Kfcs were only in low income areas.<br />
In the entire state of colorado,kentucky<br />
fried chicken is illegal.<br />
Noooo!<br />
Dad,mom says to stop trying<br />
to give yourself cancer.<br />
Just gonna get a little<br />
bit of cancer,stan.<br />
Tell mom it's okay.<br />
Methadone clinic<br />
Can I help you?<br />
I need -- Somebody<br />
said you could help me.<br />
I have to have -- I haven't<br />
had KFC in almost a week.<br />
Alright,sign your name on the<br />
release form,put down the time.<br />
- Really?<br />
- Your birth year,and we'll get you through the next 24 hours.<br />
What are you serious?<br />
{\A6}**<br />
Oh my god!That's KFC gravy!<br />
You have KFC.Yes!<br />
This is it?<br />
One lousy little cup of gravy?<br />
This is a clinic to help<br />
you get over your addiction.<br />
Who wants just gravy?<br />
It goes on mashed potatoes!<br />
On extra crispy chicken skin!<br />
If you don't want it,that's fine.<br />
No!<br />
Oh god.It's so good.<br />
Frozen and processed foods<br />
appear to have a direct link<br />
To many forms of stomach<br />
and colon cancers.<br />
Alright.<br />
Tests show that preservatives found<br />
in these foods are the leading cause.<br />
However,luckily,most of these cancers are<br />
slow growing and can take years to develop.<br />
Damit.<br />
Testicular cancer.<br />
Most common in older men,and<br />
can be extremely aggressive.<br />
Oh this is good.<br />
There is no data on what causes<br />
testicular cancer to grow so rapidly.<br />
However,the primary causes of<br />
testicular cancer are linked to<br />
Or an exposure to high<br />
doses of radiation.<br />
Oh,hey,stan.Could you grab me a beer?<br />
Stan?<br />
Sharon!Hey,hey,Sharon!<br />
What?<br />
Mr.Marsh,I'm afraid that<br />
the tests came back positive.<br />
You do have testicular cancer.<br />
Score!<br />
Now,the good news is it<br />
hasn't spread anywhere.<br />
We should probably schedule<br />
to have them removed<br />
Yeah,yeah,but for now can I<br />
finally get my prescription please?<br />
Your prescription for what?<br />
Buffalo soldier in the heart of america<br />
{\A6}***<br />
Stolen from africa brought to america<br />
{\A6}***<br />
She was fightin' on arrival<br />
{\A6}***<br />
1 ounce of purple lurple,2 ounces of fishermen's<br />
friend and a half ounce of alabama kush!<br />
Oh,that is nice.<br />
That is nice.<br />
Randy?Jesus,Randy!<br />
- Your balls!<br />
- I know!<br />
Smoking pot right in front of a cop!<br />
Pretty sweet,huh?<br />
No,I mean your actual balls!<br />
Oh yeah.Testicular cancer.<br />
Here you want some?<br />
Oh wait!You're healthy!<br />
Hey bust his ass,officer!<br />
Ha ha.<br />
Hey kid,they say you're<br />
looking for some KFC.<br />
- Yeah,who isn't?<br />
- Yeah.<br />
Well,uh,we got some over<br />
at billy miller's house.<br />
Billy miller?Seriously?<br />
Ahh,eric cartman,right?<br />
Tommy said you have some KFC.<br />
Sure.<br />
Jessie?<br />
Oh my god,colonel's popcorn<br />
chicken and honey mustard sauce!<br />
Oh god yes!<br />
Where did you get that?<br />
I have my sources.<br />
That'll be $85.<br />
85 bucks?<br />
I don't have that!<br />
Hold on,hold on.<br />
You're a big boy,eric.<br />
Maybe you can pay me back another way.<br />
Do a little job for me.<br />
I've got some serious KFC<br />
coming in from a dealer.<br />
I need somebody willing to get<br />
a little risky and pick it up.<br />
How much KFC are we talking?<br />
Two buckets plus a three-Piece<br />
meal and four sides.<br />
Holy,dude.<br />
I've got the money to pay for it,but<br />
it's become a risky business out there.<br />
You get the chicken for me and I'll<br />
make sure you are hooked up for life.<br />
Do you wanna do it?<br />
Do I wanna do it?<br />
Does the pope help pedophiles<br />
Excellent<br />
Alright,see ya tomorrow!<br />
Oh god I gotta hurry!<br />
Caprica starts in five minutes!<br />
Ho,jesus!<br />
Oh,hey,could somebody...<br />
Aw,I gotta get home.<br />
Hey,hey.This can work.<br />
This can -- Hey,it's<br />
like a hoppity hop!<br />
Are you t-Bag?<br />
Maybe I am.Who's askin'?<br />
Cut the crap.<br />
You got the stuff?<br />
Oh,I got the hook-Up.<br />
Question is,you got the money?<br />
Alright.We in biz.<br />
It's all there,man.<br />
Extra crispy,right?<br />
Course,man.I ain't no fool.<br />
You trying to me,dude?<br />
This is cut with boston market gravy!<br />
Aw,it's all the same man.<br />
It is not the same!<br />
Okay,okay!I'm sorry,yo!<br />
You're cuttin' colonel's<br />
gravy with boston market<br />
To try and save yourself some money!<br />
I'll take back the gravy.<br />
Like anybody wants KFC without gravy!<br />
Ahghg!Please!Please,I'm sorry!<br />
Take your money!<br />
The KFC too!<br />
What's going on back there?<br />
Nothin'.It's cool.<br />
Alright,I'll call.<br />
45 to you,ned.<br />
Ah man.<br />
This rainy day woman is the bomb.<br />
You guys don't know what you're missing.<br />
Well,you know,you could share<br />
some of that with us,Randy.<br />
No,nelson,that's illegal.<br />
I can smoke this because I have cancer.<br />
- Aw come on,just give us a little bit!<br />
- Yeah.<br />
Get your own medicinal marijuana cards!<br />
You've all got perfectly<br />
good microwaves at home.<br />
Look,I'm telling you guys it's awesome.<br />
I can have all the pot I want.<br />
I get around faster than walking<br />
and whenever I need a seat,<br />
I can just sit on my balls.<br />
Lemme tell you something else.<br />
Chicks love em.<br />
Women love huge balls?<br />
Love 'em.<br />
Everywhere I go when I walk by,<br />
Chicks are like turning<br />
their heads and going 'whaaa'?<br />
I never knew how much women loved<br />
guys' balls until I got these puppies.<br />
Travis,did you take<br />
out the garba -- Whaaa?<br />
See?<br />
Cartman,my boy!You got the stuff!<br />
Yeah,I got the stuff<br />
and I got the money.<br />
Hey,you're good,eric.<br />
I need people like you.<br />
Good,cuz I ate a bunch of the<br />
chicken on the way over here.<br />
That's alright,eric.<br />
I've got something big in the works.<br />
What if I told you that I now how a direct<br />
line to get all the KFC we want here?<br />
I'm sending tommy to kentucky to try<br />
And set up a little arrangement<br />
with the colonel himself.<br />
Wait a minute.<br />
You mean the colonel?<br />
That's right.<br />
And I'd like you to go as well<br />
and watch tommy's back for me.<br />
Is that something you'd want to do?<br />
Is that something I'd want to do?<br />
{\A6}***<br />
Is the pope catholic?<br />
And making the world<br />
safe for pedophiles?<br />
Excellent.<br />
Doctor,mister kline's<br />
test results came in.<br />
What the hell is going on?<br />
Doctor?<br />
This is the tenth case<br />
I've seen this week.<br />
It can't be a coincidence.<br />
Something in this town is<br />
giving men testicular cancer.<br />
Man,I am stoned off my ass!<br />
I'm stoned off my balls!<br />
Ha ha ha ha.<br />
Anybody got more of<br />
that loompa loompa weed?<br />
Wow,those guys have nice balls.<br />
Wish my man had balls like those,mmmm.<br />
Corbin,kentucky<br />
Our entire production is<br />
headquartered here,boys.<br />
We move over 16 tons<br />
of chicken every month.<br />
Of course,with the new laws in<br />
colorado,my business has taken quite a hit.<br />
I'm worried other<br />
states might follow suit.<br />
We know,colonel.<br />
But we can get your<br />
chicken into the state.<br />
We just need a bulk deal.Say $4.95 a ki?<br />
I've got to hand it to you,colonel.<br />
You have everything I man could want.<br />
I like you,eric.<br />
There is no lying in you.<br />
Unfortunately,I don't feel<br />
the same way about your friend.<br />
Who?You mean tommy?<br />
Wait!Where'd he go?<br />
{\A6}**<br />
Your partner is an<br />
informant for jamie oliver.<br />
Ha ha haaaa!Dude,that was sweet!<br />
He's all choked!<br />
How do I know you're not a liar,too?<br />
Hey,colonel.<br />
I've been your biggest supporter<br />
since I was two years old.<br />
I love your chicken.<br />
I love you.<br />
I think you and me can<br />
work this thing out.<br />
Do business together a long time.<br />
Good.<br />
Just remember,I only tell you one time,<br />
Don't me,eric.<br />
Don't you ever try to me.<br />
Randy!<br />
Randy,will you look at yourself?<br />
Your balls are getting bigger!<br />
I know,they're pretty swollen.<br />
Kinda hurts,I'm gonna<br />
go buy some more weed.<br />
Randy,please!<br />
When you get back,do you think<br />
maybe we could make love again?<br />
Ohh,someone's feeling frisky again,huh?<br />
Oh,it's just that I thought some<br />
more alone time could maybe be really<br />
Hey,my eyes are up here.<br />
- I'm sorry.I just<br />
- It's alright.<br />
I just want you to look at me when<br />
we make love and not just at my balls.<br />
I'll be home soon,babe.<br />
Hey,uh,could you get me half a pound<br />
of that suburban sunrise,please?<br />
I'm sorry,sir,but you have<br />
to be inside the store.<br />
Wul,ugh,I'm right here.Can<br />
you just bring it over<br />
Selling medicinal marijuana outside the<br />
confines of an approved shop is still illegal.<br />
*****<br />
Look,I'm starting to<br />
feel kind of stupid.<br />
Can I please get high?<br />
What,are you crazy,eric?<br />
Making a deal with the<br />
colonel for 10,000 more boxes?<br />
I can't move that much chicken!<br />
Will you relax,billy?It's fine.<br />
Fine!<br />
I'm not making any<br />
money here.I'm losing it!<br />
I have to pay for more security!<br />
I got the cops up my ass!<br />
And I have to pay for all these sorters<br />
to cut the chicken for distribution!<br />
Billy,billy.<br />
We've got to be thinking bigger here.<br />
It's time to expand!<br />
How can I expand when 36% of<br />
our product is going to you?<br />
Get out there and sell<br />
the chicken,or get lost!<br />
You've forgotten who the boss<br />
of this operation is,eric!<br />
Yeah,well.<br />
You're not going to<br />
be around a lot longer.<br />
What is that supposed to mean?<br />
I told your mom you got an f<br />
on that social studies test.<br />
You wouldn't do that.<br />
Does a bear crap in the woods?<br />
And does the pope crap on the broken<br />
lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?<br />
Billy!Your father and<br />
I want to talk to you!<br />
Bye bye,billy.<br />
Alright everyone listen up!<br />
I'm in charge now.<br />
Anybody got a problem with that?<br />
Alright.Good.<br />
- What do we want?<br />
- Bigger doors!<br />
- Where do we want em?<br />
- Weed stores!<br />
- What do we want?<br />
- Bigger doors!<br />
- Where do we want 'em?<br />
- Weed stores!<br />
Look,I'm sorry,but the bill says I<br />
can't modify any existing structure!<br />
Well,I guess we could change the<br />
law to allow for medicinal marijuana<br />
To be sold just outside<br />
the door of the shop.<br />
I don't know.<br />
Maybe the rule should be somebody<br />
can buy the medicinal weed for others.<br />
Look,can't we skip all this<br />
and just make pot legal?<br />
Everyone is just abusing this<br />
medicinal system anyway.It's ridiculous.<br />
What's ridiculous about it?<br />
Hold on!Hold on people,please!<br />
We are all forgetting what<br />
is really at issue here!<br />
Look around!<br />
These men all have cancer.<br />
It's no coincidence that when this<br />
building changed,the rise in cancer went up.<br />
Don't you see?<br />
The KFC was keeping people healthy!<br />
Mr.Cartman,come on.<br />
We're supposed to be<br />
handling the business.<br />
You're eating too much of the stuff.<br />
Shut up,kevin.I'm the<br />
boss not you,buttlicker.<br />
Eric!The colonel is<br />
on the phone for you.<br />
He sounds pissed.<br />
What?Oh,that's right.I<br />
forgot the -- Dammit!<br />
Okay.<br />
Put him on speaker.<br />
Hello?<br />
Hello?<br />
Colonel,how're you doing?<br />
What happened?<br />
Ohh,we had some<br />
problems,you know.Colonel?<br />
Eric,what happened?<br />
We had a little problem.<br />
I heard.<br />
Yeah,how'd you hear that?<br />
Because jamie oliver gave<br />
his speech at the u.N.Today.<br />
He was not supposed to<br />
give that speech,eric.<br />
Yeah,it's okay.We'll get him next time.<br />
There wont be a next time,<br />
you *** cocksucker!<br />
Hey, take it easy, colonel!<br />
I told you a long time ago, you<br />
fucking little monkey, not to fuck with me.<br />
Hey! Hey, who the fuck you think<br />
you're talking to?<br />
Oh crap.<br />
It's the cops!<br />
Run, jimmy, run!<br />
Mommy! Nooo!<br />
Last november this town passed<br />
a bill that seemed silly to some.<br />
Since then we've had underground black<br />
markets,crime,death and shootings.<br />
But now the bill has been repealed,<br />
And I am relieved to announce that<br />
once again marijuana is illegal!<br />
And an other bill has<br />
been repealed as well.<br />
Cause ever since we got rid of<br />
KFC,we've seen a great rise in cancer.<br />
But today we welcome back KFC,<br />
And all the medical<br />
benefits it gives us!<br />
Well,I got to admit,it's a lot easier to<br />
get in doors with my little prosthetic balls.<br />
Yeah,great.<br />
Oh Sharon,don't be upset.<br />
The doctor made you a souvenir.<br />
Oh Randy,I love it!<br />
And when it gets cold it shrinks.<br />
Sharon,you got a scrotum coat?<br />
Yup!<br />
Lucky.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-69004300171781175012012-01-03T00:34:00.003-08:002012-01-03T00:34:59.740-08:00S14E02 The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Okay, kids.<br />
Let's take our seats.<br />
There has been a change<br />
in school policy and so<br />
I am assigning you<br />
all a book to read.<br />
Aw, a book?<br />
God, i hate those.<br />
Now kids, this book<br />
is very controversial<br />
And has just been taken<br />
off the banned books list.<br />
Oh really? Sweet!<br />
It's called "catcher in the rye,"<br />
And it has some very risque parts.<br />
Alright!<br />
And strong, vulgar language.<br />
Awesome, dude!<br />
And in fact, many schools across<br />
the country still ban this book<br />
Because it's thought<br />
to be so inappropriate.<br />
Oh man, i can't wait!<br />
Tonight i want you to read<br />
chapters one through five,<br />
And tomorrow we will discuss the --<br />
No, come on, let's read it now!<br />
Mr. Garrison, didn't the<br />
guy who shot john lennon<br />
Say it was because of this book?<br />
Yes, apparently john<br />
lennon's killer said<br />
He was inspired by "<br />
catcher in the rye."<br />
But he was just a kook.<br />
Woa, you're telling us this<br />
book is filthy, inappropriate<br />
And made a guy shoot<br />
the king of hippies?<br />
Can we please read this right now?<br />
You will read it at home<br />
And you will all be mature about<br />
its adult themes and language.<br />
Did you get to any dirty parts yet?<br />
No. It's still just some<br />
whiny annoying teenager<br />
Talking about how lame he is.<br />
I don't get it, dude.<br />
What's so controversial about this?<br />
All he's done is said<br />
shit and fuck a few times.<br />
I know.<br />
I'm almost at the end<br />
and there's nothing.<br />
Mother fucker!<br />
The whole thing.<br />
I read the whole fucking thing!<br />
I kept thinking, alright,<br />
I guess the cool offensive<br />
stuff must be coming,<br />
And then after like a<br />
hundred pages i was like,<br />
Alright, i guess all the<br />
dirty stuff is at the end.<br />
And then i got to the last page.<br />
And i was all, the fucking is this?<br />
I just read a book!<br />
For nothing!<br />
Why the hell was this book banned?<br />
They fucking tricked us,<br />
That's what they did!<br />
Tricked us into reading a book by<br />
Enticing us with<br />
promises of vulgarity.<br />
Dude, what the fuck is so dirty<br />
about this piece of shit?<br />
We know, we were just saying that!<br />
Why would anybody think this<br />
book is obscene or dangerous?<br />
Kill john lennon!<br />
Kill john lennon!<br />
Kill john lennon!<br />
Kill john lennon!<br />
Hey dad, where does<br />
john lennon live?<br />
John lennon's dead, Butters.<br />
Aw, dangit.<br />
Dude, some people really<br />
do consider this obscene!<br />
It's not obscene, dude.<br />
I'll show them fucking obscene.<br />
Hey yeah, we should write<br />
our own banned book.<br />
Yeah, we could get a book<br />
banned way more than this one.<br />
Yeah, sweet! Awesome!<br />
The tale of...<br />
The tale of scrotie mcdicknass.<br />
No, no, scrotie mcbooger balls.<br />
Oh that's good, that's good!<br />
Alright, chapter... one...<br />
It was a -<br />
A warm spring morning --<br />
The tale of scrotie mcbooger-Balls?<br />
It was a warm summer morning<br />
When scrotie mcboogerballs<br />
awoke to find his -- Ew!<br />
He took a what?<br />
Oh my god!<br />
He then grabbed his dog's .<br />
Oh, my god!<br />
Walking out of his house he spotted<br />
a bloody and pus covered --<br />
No!<br />
No!<br />
No... no!<br />
Randy?<br />
Randy!<br />
Randy, you need to read this!<br />
Read what?<br />
This book!<br />
Our son and his friends wrote it!<br />
So?<br />
So?<br />
Randy, it's -- It's --<br />
It's really good. - Huh?<br />
I mean, it's disgusting.<br />
It's the most disgusting<br />
thing i've ever read,<br />
But the plot is amazing!<br />
And the characters are so vivid.<br />
It was a warm summer morning<br />
When scrotie mcboogerballs<br />
awoke to find his -- Ew!<br />
Sharon, gross!<br />
No, no, just keep reading!<br />
He took a -- Oh, oh, man!<br />
This -- This is --<br />
I know!<br />
I know, randy, but trust me,<br />
You gotta push through to the end.<br />
No, no!That's just wrong!<br />
Randy, please!<br />
You've got to listen to me!<br />
Walking out of the house he<br />
found a bloody pus filled --<br />
What?<br />
Which he immediately<br />
stuck up his infected --<br />
"That was all long ago in<br />
some brief lost spring,<br />
In a place that is no more.<br />
In that hour that vag frogs begin<br />
And the scent off scrotie's<br />
infected anus comes strongest."<br />
Oh, man.<br />
Well?<br />
It's -- It's awesome, sharon.<br />
It's the best book i've ever read.<br />
Right?It's not just me!<br />
No, it's -- I mean,<br />
the whole part about amsterdam, wow.<br />
What do we do, randy?<br />
We can't support our son<br />
talking like this, but i mean--<br />
No, i know -- People need<br />
to read this book, sharon.<br />
This is -- This is<br />
pulitzer prize stuff.<br />
You're dead, Kenny!<br />
Guys, guys!<br />
We are totally fuck!<br />
The book is gone from<br />
my dresser drawer!<br />
My parents must have found it!<br />
What?<br />
So we are we all fuck?<br />
They'll think you wrote it all.<br />
I'm not taking the<br />
heat for this alone!<br />
We all did it.<br />
If i'm going down somebody<br />
has to go down with me!<br />
Well, if i'm going down<br />
Cartman's going down!<br />
And if i'm going down both kyle and<br />
Kenny are definitely going down.<br />
Wul, dude!Somebody<br />
has got to go down!<br />
Butters, what are you up to?<br />
Oh, hey, fellas!<br />
I'm just watching the kardashians!<br />
Today, my sisters and i are<br />
going to have to wash something.<br />
It's gonna blow!<br />
Kim kardashian is soo sexy.<br />
Her butt is like a big<br />
mountain of pudding.<br />
Butters, listen,<br />
you are in big trouble.<br />
I am?<br />
Yeah, you remember<br />
that book you wrote.<br />
Stan's mom found it.<br />
Oh no!<br />
Which book was that?!<br />
Dude!<br />
The book you left with us when<br />
you were sleepwalking last night!<br />
I don't even remember that!<br />
But it all makes sense now.<br />
Ever since i read<br />
"catcher in the rye"<br />
I've been having these blackouts,<br />
Crazy thoughts of wanting<br />
to kill the phonies!<br />
I must have channeled all my angst<br />
into dark writings in my sleep!<br />
Alright, boys.<br />
We need to get to<br />
the bottom of this.<br />
We've all read the book now,<br />
And it is very shocking<br />
to say the least.<br />
Okay.Well, actually,<br />
it was all written by Butters.<br />
That's right.<br />
Butters?<br />
Is that true?<br />
Yeah, i barely even remember it.<br />
But i know i did --<br />
Well, Butters, we think<br />
That this is one of the of the<br />
best books we've ever read!<br />
Huh? What?<br />
Yeah, really amazing.<br />
Oh thanks!<br />
We were actually so moved<br />
by your book, Butters,<br />
That we brought mr. Niedilbaum<br />
from penguin publishing to read it.<br />
Mr. Butters, we would<br />
like to offer you a deal<br />
For first publishing rights<br />
to your brilliant novel.<br />
Hey, wait a minute. That's ours!<br />
Yeah, we wrote that!<br />
Okay. Boys, you already<br />
told the truth.<br />
No, no!<br />
We really did write it.<br />
Tell them, Butters.<br />
I wrote that.<br />
Oh, wow! He's so<br />
young young! Amazing!<br />
What? Hey?<br />
It is being called the most disgusting,<br />
foul and sickening book ever written,<br />
And it is also being<br />
called literary genius.<br />
"The tale of scrotie mcboogerballs"<br />
hit the shelves this weekend,<br />
And so far no one<br />
Has been able to get through the<br />
first paragraph without vomiting.<br />
The book has already sold<br />
millions of copies worldwide,<br />
And has been translated<br />
into 26 languages.<br />
Per lang shur ma.<br />
Poang shing scrotie<br />
mcboogerballs bao lang shur.<br />
Bo nag shing chur mar pur -<br />
Ch-Chur mar purrrrr ahghghgh!<br />
Bo ya sun ma chur lang?<br />
Pur lang sarah jessica<br />
parker pur tsoy.<br />
The book is changing<br />
the literary world<br />
And it is all thanks to<br />
leopold Butters stotch.<br />
Hey, here he comes!<br />
Amazing book Butters!<br />
Thank you!<br />
You changed my life, young man.<br />
That's nice!<br />
Butters, what the fuck do<br />
you think you're doing?<br />
Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?<br />
Butters, you know god damn well<br />
you didn't write that book!<br />
But you told me i did!<br />
Yeah, but that was when we thought we<br />
were gonna get in trouble, asshole!<br />
Hey, hey you guys<br />
leave Butters alone<br />
He's a very fragile artist.<br />
He's so brooding and full of angst.<br />
Yeah, i'm brooding.<br />
Butters doesn't deserve any<br />
credit for scrotie mcboogerballs!<br />
We deserve all the credit!<br />
Oh god, you guys are pathetic.<br />
Yeah, get a life and stop momooching<br />
off of others' succe for once.<br />
God dammit!<br />
Butters, do you really think<br />
it's fair to lie like this?<br />
Let me tell you<br />
that if you don't --<br />
No, let me tell you<br />
something, fellas!<br />
You always take advantage of me,<br />
And after reading<br />
"catcher in the rye,"<br />
I've learned you're<br />
nothin' but phonies!<br />
I'm not letting you<br />
trick me this time!<br />
So the four of you can<br />
just suck on my wiener!<br />
That inconsiderate jerk!<br />
Today on "today"<br />
We meet the author of the<br />
book that has swept the nation<br />
And has now spawned tvs<br />
most popular game show!<br />
How long can you listen to scrotie<br />
mcboogerballs on audiobook and not vomit?<br />
The book is full of<br />
disgusting words and acts,<br />
Including sarah jessica parker,<br />
Who is mentioned 465 times.<br />
Matthew brodErick, are you upset your<br />
wife is made fun of so much in the book?<br />
Well, obviously i<br />
just think it's wrong<br />
To make fun of anybody's<br />
physical appearance.<br />
My wife is a beautiful woman,<br />
And i know that most<br />
people agree with me.<br />
Uh-Huh, and matthew,<br />
How come a transvestite donkey<br />
witch is standing next to you,<br />
And why is it wearing a dress?<br />
Joining us now is the author<br />
of the book, leopold stotch,<br />
Along with his parents.<br />
Hello matt!<br />
Hi everyone!<br />
You must be pretty<br />
proud of your son.<br />
Oh, we certainly are!<br />
We are thrilled to learn<br />
he is so very talented.<br />
And we also understand that your<br />
son is grounded; is that correct?<br />
Yes, we did have to ground him for<br />
the langge in the novel, of course.<br />
I have to come right to<br />
my room after school.<br />
But we are very,<br />
very proud nonetheless.<br />
Young man, now that<br />
you're a respected author,<br />
Have you met any famous people?<br />
Not yet, but as soon as<br />
i'm not grounded anymore,<br />
I'm hoping to meet kim kardashian!<br />
I wanna jump on her belly.<br />
Alright.<br />
Uh, Butters, my favorite<br />
part of your novel<br />
Was when scrotie mcboogerballs slid<br />
his head up into the horse's --<br />
Sorry.<br />
Was that chapter a slam on health<br />
care reform as people have suggested?<br />
Uh, yeah, pretty much.<br />
I think so.<br />
Is that why the doctor character<br />
pulls out all the stringy --<br />
Little boy, are you ever worried<br />
Somebody might take your book<br />
wrong and try to kill someone<br />
Like when the guy tried<br />
to shoot ronald reagan<br />
After reading "catcher in the rye?"<br />
Oh, is that who the book<br />
was telling me to kill?<br />
Kill ronald reagan,<br />
kill ronald reagan!<br />
Ronald reagan is dead now, Butters.<br />
Oh really?<br />
Gosh dangit.<br />
More and more of us are<br />
against this book every day.<br />
The author is cruel and offensive.<br />
And for these reasons,<br />
We demand this book be banned from<br />
all schools, stores and libraries.<br />
This book is nothing,<br />
but smut and vulgari<br />
Purely for the sake<br />
of smut and vulgarity!<br />
That's just because you're too young<br />
to understand the underlying themes.<br />
There are no underlying themes!<br />
We know that for a fact!<br />
You just failed to understand<br />
what the author meant.<br />
The author meant to be as gross<br />
as possible because it was funny!<br />
Oh no, no, no.<br />
That is such a simplistic view.<br />
God dammit, there is no<br />
deeper meaning in this book.<br />
Read it again!<br />
So you're suggesting that<br />
the author just arbitrarily<br />
Made fun of sarah jessica<br />
parker for no reason.<br />
Yes!<br />
But what would be the point?<br />
There's is no point.<br />
It's just because sarah jessica<br />
parker is fucking ugly!<br />
No writer would take the time to<br />
make fun of sarah jessica parker<br />
Just because they think she's ugly.<br />
Yes, they would!<br />
It is because miss jessica<br />
parker is a metaphor in the book<br />
For oppression felt<br />
by the lower class.<br />
What?<br />
Dude, that is not<br />
in the book at all!<br />
Boys, this book is<br />
an important look<br />
At how liberals are<br />
hurting this country,<br />
And we can't -- What?<br />
Scrotie mcboogerballs is the most<br />
conservative-Hating liberal in literature!<br />
What book did you read?<br />
There's nothing about<br />
liberals or conservatives!<br />
Oh, yeah.<br />
Then why does sarah jessica parker's butt<br />
cheese end up in scrotie's milkshake?<br />
Breaking news from acclaimed<br />
author leopold stotch!<br />
The artist has announced that<br />
he is working on a second novel,<br />
As a follow up to his wildly<br />
successful best seller.<br />
We got a statement from the writer,<br />
Who is still grounded in his room.<br />
Can you give the public any<br />
idea what the new book is about?<br />
Well, it's kind of about<br />
love and betrayal.<br />
The inner workings<br />
of the human mind.<br />
Will it be as sick and<br />
disgusting as your first book.<br />
Oh it's raunchy alright!<br />
I know what my readers want<br />
And i'm going to deliver!<br />
Butters, away from the window!<br />
You are being grounded!<br />
Sorry, dad, i was just bein'<br />
the voice of a generation.<br />
I can't believe they<br />
won't ban our book!<br />
I know!<br />
It's so much worse than<br />
catcher in the retarded rye!<br />
It's .<br />
Alright, you guys,<br />
i know what we have to do.<br />
We've got to kill<br />
sarah jessica parker.<br />
What?<br />
Think about it, guys!<br />
If somebody kills<br />
sarah jessica parker,<br />
Then they'll assume<br />
that somebody did it<br />
Because of what was in the book.<br />
Then the book will get banned.<br />
Dude, we're not killing<br />
sarah jessica parker!<br />
Be right with you!<br />
We don't have to kill her.<br />
We can just help her get killed.<br />
Shut up, Cartman!<br />
Just face it.<br />
We lost this one!<br />
Kenny, we only have<br />
to help her get killed<br />
And then we can totally<br />
get back at Butters.<br />
Okay.<br />
Mrs. Jessica parker!<br />
Over here.<br />
Well, the day has finally arrived,<br />
The eagerly-Awaited second novel from<br />
the author of scrotie mcboogerballs<br />
Hit the shelves this morning,<br />
And apparently<br />
bookstores are jammed!<br />
Al, how is it out there?<br />
I don't know if you<br />
can see this guys,<br />
But the line stretches all<br />
the way around the block.<br />
People waiting for their turn to get<br />
inside the book store and read the novel.<br />
They've brought trash bags<br />
and buckets to throw up in,<br />
Just a festive atmosphere here,<br />
matt and meredith.<br />
Well, we've got our<br />
vomit buckets ready too,<br />
Because coming up,<br />
a very special in studio treat.<br />
That's right, we are<br />
going to have a reading<br />
Of the first five chapters of the<br />
book here live in our studio!<br />
Now, we must warn you that<br />
this is from the same author<br />
Who wrote the most graphic,<br />
obscene novel of all time,<br />
So brace yourselves for<br />
some very harsh language.<br />
Take it away morgan freeman!<br />
The poop that took a pee.<br />
Chapter one.<br />
Douglas had to poop.<br />
His butt was all stinky because<br />
he had to poop so badly.<br />
There was a gross<br />
woman named rebecca<br />
Who was sunbathing all<br />
naked and she was fat.<br />
Douglas walked up to her and said,<br />
i need to poop.<br />
Okay, rebecca replied.<br />
I like poop.<br />
Douglas squatted down over<br />
the fat sunbathing lady<br />
And went poop.<br />
The poop, sat there<br />
on rebecca's boobs,<br />
Looking like a wiener.<br />
Chapter two.<br />
[<br />
See any hunters yet?<br />
Not yet.<br />
Doing good mrs. Jessica parker,<br />
Just hang out right there.<br />
Guys!Stop!<br />
Stop!<br />
We don't have to do this!<br />
Huh?<br />
Butters wrote a second book!<br />
So what?<br />
So dude, if Butters<br />
wrote a second book<br />
Then everyone's gonna know he<br />
couldn't have written the first one!<br />
We can get people<br />
to believe us now.<br />
Oh, dude sweet!<br />
Why are we here, douglas cried,<br />
As poop came out his wiener<br />
in a long, thin strip.<br />
It was wiener poop.<br />
Which is the grossest poop of all.<br />
The pee pee got on the<br />
woman's leg and she screamed,<br />
Pooping out her boobs.<br />
And so, when the pee got mixed with<br />
the poop it smelled like a butt.<br />
Oh dude, this is even<br />
lamer than we thought!<br />
People are gonna want<br />
Butters' head on a platter!<br />
Are you reading this, marcia?<br />
What do you think?<br />
So far i think it's incredible.<br />
It might be better<br />
than his first book.<br />
I agree it wasn't as edgy,<br />
But it's like he's<br />
gone back to his roots.<br />
What?<br />
You can't be serious!<br />
You people like this?<br />
Some of the imagery<br />
is unbelievable.<br />
A woman pooping out her<br />
boobs is not good imagery!<br />
Says you.You must be<br />
a pro life nut, huh?<br />
Didn't like what the<br />
book had to say?<br />
What are you talking about,<br />
This book is as pro<br />
life as it gets.<br />
Oh, come on!<br />
God dammit, will you people stop<br />
reading into stuff that isn't there?!<br />
And the poop and the pee<br />
lived happily ever after.<br />
The end.<br />
Kill the phonies!<br />
Kill the phonies!<br />
Today my sisters and i are<br />
going to shop for underwear!<br />
Can i go with you girls?<br />
Our nation is still reeling from the<br />
tragic deaths of the kardashians.<br />
The shooter claims he was<br />
driven to commit the slaughter<br />
Immediately after reading "the poop that<br />
took a pee" by leopold Butters stotch.<br />
It's all over.<br />
The kardashians wiped out<br />
in the blink of an eye.<br />
All because one little prick<br />
Had to go and write a book,<br />
leopold stotch.<br />
I hope they bury you,<br />
You evil fucker!<br />
Dude, people are pissed<br />
off at you, Butters.<br />
I know.<br />
They're saying they're gonna ban<br />
both your books now,completely!<br />
You're not making any more money!<br />
You think i care about that?<br />
My writing got the most beautiful<br />
woman in the world killed!<br />
I loved her!<br />
And now she's gone and<br />
it's because of me!!<br />
Aw, Butters, it'll be alright.<br />
Look, we've all learned that<br />
people look for meaning in books.<br />
And sometimes even<br />
if it isn't there,<br />
They'll try and invent<br />
their own meaning.<br />
Yeah, dude.<br />
That's why we all need to avoid<br />
books and stick to television.<br />
Thanks, fellas.<br />
I'll definitely never write again.<br />
I think i can get over this.<br />
That's good, Butters,<br />
because we need to tell you something.<br />
What?<br />
You were sleepwalking again.<br />
And dress sarah jessica<br />
parker up in a moo suit.<br />
You left her in a forest,<br />
And she got shot by a hunter!<br />
What? Oh, no.<br />
Yeah, sorry. You're gonna have to<br />
gome down and admit that was you.<br />
Oh, i got her killed too?<br />
Oh, well. At least she was ugly.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-20420979811041680192012-01-03T00:34:00.001-08:002012-01-03T00:34:26.276-08:00S14E01 Sexual Healing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Put it down, you !<br />
Put the golf club down,<br />
you crazy bitch!<br />
You a mother .<br />
I never should have<br />
never married-A you!<br />
You're overreacting,<br />
you stupid swedish cow!<br />
Then a why the are you a<br />
getting the text messages<br />
From some low-Life<br />
hooker on thanksgiving?<br />
God shut up!<br />
Shut up!<br />
Where are my pills?!<br />
Oh, yeah, take more vicodin, Tiger!<br />
That'll help!<br />
Will you just listen to me?<br />
Listen to this!<br />
You whore!<br />
Where the do you<br />
think you're going?<br />
I'm getting the away from you!<br />
Open the door, you mother !<br />
Yeah, chase after me<br />
in the car, Kenny!<br />
What are you guys doing?<br />
Dude, check it out.<br />
It's ea sports Tiger woods<br />
pga tour 11 for xbox.<br />
you !<br />
Stop breaking through<br />
the window, Kenny!<br />
Woo, i'm gonna crash!<br />
I'm gonna crash!<br />
Look what you did, you crazy !<br />
Serves a you right!<br />
You cheating a turd-A!<br />
Oh, dude, was that a combo move?<br />
Yeah, dude, i you up!<br />
Oh dude, here come the cops!<br />
We gotta lie to them! Hit x to lie!<br />
Wow, i didn't know golf<br />
games were this cool!<br />
Ude,a sports dithlvessesetime<br />
I've gathered you together here<br />
Because you are the best minds<br />
our country has to offer.<br />
As you have all seen on the news,<br />
Our country is facing<br />
a major crisis.<br />
And we need to find<br />
out what's causing it.<br />
Why!<br />
Why are rich successful<br />
men suddenly going out<br />
And trying to have sex<br />
with lots of women.<br />
Tiger woods was only<br />
the most prevalent,<br />
But our data shows that<br />
the numbers are growing.<br />
David letterman,<br />
and before that bill clinton.<br />
There is a pattern here, people.<br />
Why would a man who's famous<br />
and makes tons of money<br />
Use that to try and have sex<br />
with lots of different women?<br />
And these rich celebrities have<br />
perfectly good wives at home!<br />
Why would they even think<br />
of sex with others?<br />
Dammit.<br />
I want answers.<br />
We believe that it may be an<br />
outbreak of sex addiction, sir.<br />
Sex a woo-Hoo?<br />
It's a new phenomena we don't<br />
completely understand yet.<br />
But it seems to make<br />
people --Different.<br />
Of course, we all know the normal healthy<br />
male thinks only of sex occasionally<br />
And has no desire for sex<br />
with multiple partners.<br />
Naturally. Right.<br />
Of course. Like me, yes --<br />
Definitely true.<br />
Yes, we all know that, go on.<br />
But in the sex addict,<br />
their en tire lives are<br />
Consumed with thoughts<br />
of wanting more and more.<br />
The mere sight of an attractive woman<br />
can make him think about sex with her.<br />
But what about love?<br />
How could tons of fame and money<br />
make you forget about love?<br />
What could be cau this<br />
outbreak of sexual addiction?<br />
It could be caused by<br />
something in the water supply.<br />
Perhaps even by global warming.<br />
Or cooling.<br />
Yes.<br />
If so, then the disease could<br />
start to affect our children.<br />
That does it.<br />
I want health screenings at<br />
all our nation's schools.<br />
We need to find out if any young<br />
people might be carrying this disease.<br />
Good afternoon, students.<br />
We are going to be doing<br />
a health screening today.<br />
It won't take long,<br />
and will be relatively painless,<br />
But we need to see if any<br />
students are showing symptoms.<br />
In a moment, i am going to<br />
show you a suggestive picture,<br />
And then i am going to ask you<br />
a question about the picture.<br />
Alright.Ready?<br />
Here we go.<br />
Woa. Ew!<br />
What? Woo-Hoo!<br />
Jesus, dude --<br />
Holy moly.<br />
What's that between the lady legs?<br />
It's all bushy!<br />
Please just study the picture<br />
the best you can, students.<br />
I will then ask a question which you<br />
will answer on the paper provided.<br />
I never seen that part of a lady!<br />
Do they all got a hedge<br />
like that? Do they?<br />
Okay, very good.<br />
Now, what color -- Was the<br />
handkerchief in the nice lady's nd ha?<br />
Write down your answer please.<br />
What color was the handkerchief<br />
in the nice the lady's hand.<br />
Did you see the bush on that lady?<br />
What the heck was that?<br />
Very good. Turn your<br />
answers over, please.<br />
Wiz, it was like almost<br />
up to her belly button.<br />
Alright, now.<br />
Who answered that the<br />
handkerchief was yellow?<br />
Very good.Very good indeed.<br />
Now i'd like to see,<br />
who answered 'what handkerchief?'<br />
Ah ha. You three boys,<br />
please come with me.<br />
I didn't see a handkerchief.<br />
Did you see a handkerchief Kenny?<br />
no, i wasn't looking<br />
at a handkerchief!<br />
I'm sorry boys,<br />
but i'm afraid you three<br />
Have tested positive<br />
for sex addiction.<br />
What?<br />
Oh no!<br />
Who cares.<br />
We are going to have to<br />
send you home, i'm afraid.<br />
Wait, we're sex addicts?<br />
Are you sure?<br />
Our nice lady with<br />
a handkerchief test<br />
Is extremely comprehensive<br />
and thorough.<br />
I'm sorry, but you are<br />
simply too dangerous<br />
To have around normal,<br />
well-Adjusted students.<br />
It was just...<br />
so big and bushy, sir!<br />
Why does it look like that?<br />
So what happens to us now?<br />
A life of desperation<br />
and anguish, i'm afraid.<br />
Your addiction will start off slowly,<br />
magazines, internet sites.<br />
But then as you keep<br />
chasing your high<br />
Your tastes will get<br />
more and more dangerous.<br />
Most likely you will end up<br />
Going the way of david<br />
carradine and michael hutcnce.<br />
Autoerotic asphyxiation.<br />
Autoerotic asphyxiation?<br />
What's that?<br />
I don't want to go into<br />
too much detail, but<br />
You choke yourself with<br />
a belt around your neck,<br />
While masturbating,<br />
dressed up like batman or something.<br />
Then you pass out from lack of air,<br />
And apparently it makes<br />
your orgasm super awesome.<br />
Really?<br />
Oh no.<br />
I don't wanna have to<br />
buy a batman costume!<br />
Ladies and gentlemen,<br />
for the past several days<br />
We have been screening our nation's<br />
schools for signs of sex addition.<br />
The results of our tests are<br />
troubling to say the least.<br />
Doctor tonton?<br />
In fourth graders, 5% of male<br />
students were found to be sex addicts.<br />
By sixth grade,<br />
the number goes up to 30%!<br />
At high schools, nearly 91% of male<br />
students answered 'what handkerchief?'<br />
We are facing a sex addiction<br />
epidemic in our country.<br />
Young people all over<br />
america are infected<br />
And at an extreme risk to themselves<br />
and to the people around them.<br />
They are leading<br />
lives f et pain. Hn<br />
And so these infe<br />
edoyshn sn tly inshg<br />
They could be having sex all the<br />
time with lots of different people?<br />
It appears so.<br />
The poor bastards.<br />
But what about us,<br />
normal hn healthadults?<br />
Are we at risk of exposure?<br />
We don't believe so.<br />
In adult males,<br />
for whatever reason,<br />
Sex addiction only seems to be problematic<br />
amongst rich, successful celebrities.<br />
However, we are still<br />
collecting data.<br />
Why would wealth or success<br />
cause a man to go out<br />
And have sex with<br />
everyone he could?<br />
Whatever is causing this ou tbreak<br />
We guarantee we will find it.<br />
Kenny, it's time for dinner!<br />
Kenny?<br />
Sunset and evening star,<br />
And one clear call for me!<br />
And may there be no<br />
moaning of the bar,<br />
When i put out to sea.<br />
Oh my god, it's true.<br />
But such a tide as<br />
moving seems asleep,<br />
Too full for sound and foam,<br />
When that which drew from out<br />
the boundless deep. There!<br />
It was like that!<br />
It looked just like that!<br />
Just like this but smaller!<br />
And right in the place her<br />
underwear shoulda been!<br />
If i trim it down,<br />
it'll look right.<br />
Butters, Butters, stop it!<br />
But this is what i<br />
keep seeing in my head!<br />
Butters, we are sick,<br />
don't you get it?<br />
We're going to end<br />
up just like Kenny!<br />
No, if i can just see<br />
it again i'll be fine!<br />
No!<br />
Butters stop!<br />
Leave me alone!<br />
Stop it!<br />
Stop!<br />
Oh god!<br />
Oh god, help us!<br />
Tesererin lp hiins dre.<br />
He'll be hoping for a birdie here.<br />
Concentration is key.<br />
You a mother a !<br />
I never should have married a you!<br />
God dammit stop it!<br />
How many women did you ?<br />
How many?<br />
Oh dude, i clocked you!<br />
I told you this game<br />
was sweet, dude.<br />
Hang on, hang on.<br />
I'm switching to a seven iron --<br />
Oh!<br />
Oh, man i lost another endorsement!<br />
How'd you do that?<br />
Hit a and x together.<br />
Round two!<br />
Fight!<br />
You're going down, elin!<br />
I don't think so dude.<br />
I got the prenup power up.<br />
Prenup power up!<br />
Oh no!<br />
Prenup, weak!<br />
When did you get that power up?!<br />
Alright, sex addicts!<br />
What other destructive<br />
behaviors did we engage in,<br />
Which lead to our<br />
ultimate downfall?<br />
Anyone have another example?<br />
Let's see.<br />
How about... david!<br />
Ho, ho, uh... having<br />
sex with employees.<br />
Sex, with, employees,<br />
Definitely a danger there.<br />
What else?<br />
Mr. Clinton?<br />
Putting cigars in girls vaginas.<br />
Very good, billy.<br />
Cigars in vaginas not<br />
the best idea there.<br />
Watching internet porn<br />
all day every day?<br />
Spot on, charlie sheen,<br />
Excessive internet porn.<br />
Now, the reason we<br />
are making this list<br />
Is that we have new members today!<br />
I want you all to welcome<br />
Kyle and bummers!<br />
Hello. Hey Kyle.Hi Kyle, Butters.<br />
Would you care to share<br />
your stories with us, boys?<br />
Well, i just found<br />
out i'm a sex addict.<br />
I'm so scared.<br />
I haven't even told my mom yet.<br />
Does your mom have big tits?<br />
Billy!<br />
Sorry.<br />
Me, i just... i just can't<br />
stop thinking about bush.<br />
I heard that.<br />
I mean, it's like... what is it?<br />
What does it mean?<br />
Why would there be<br />
a bush right there?<br />
Is it a live bush?<br />
Are there berries?<br />
Mister duchovny please<br />
stop jerking off.<br />
Aww gee wiz.<br />
To better understand the<br />
sex addiction outbreak,<br />
We have been running<br />
tests on chimpanzees.<br />
You can see that this entire community<br />
of specimens are getting along normally,<br />
Some pairing off,<br />
others on their own.<br />
Now, see this chimp here.<br />
An average, normal adult male.<br />
Blending in seamlessly<br />
with the others.<br />
Now watch.<br />
We are going to give<br />
it a lot of money.<br />
Go ahead.<br />
My god!<br />
Yes.<br />
The subject is now<br />
isolated and shunned.<br />
Incredible.<br />
And what is it doing now?<br />
Making a public apology<br />
on its talk show.<br />
Alrighty!<br />
Now, we all know the<br />
destructive behavior<br />
That got us into this<br />
predicament, don't we?<br />
What is the main thing we've<br />
all le arned to avoid?<br />
Yes, Tiger!<br />
Avoid drugs... and alcohol?<br />
Ugh.<br />
No, no, Tiger.<br />
You still aren't getting it.<br />
In order to make sure we are no longer<br />
destroying our lives with any of<br />
theseehaviot ,<br />
Mus m avoid... anyone...<br />
avoid getting... anyone?<br />
Caught.<br />
Yes, michael douglas,<br />
Everyone?<br />
Getting caught.<br />
Very good!<br />
You are all here in therapy<br />
because you got caught!<br />
So, how to we avoid getting caught.<br />
Ben roethlisberger.<br />
Don't screw girls in<br />
the public bathrooms?<br />
When they ask you for money,<br />
pay them.<br />
Good, yes.<br />
> Woa, woa, hang on.<br />
We shouldn't be learning<br />
how to not get caught.<br />
We have to take responsibility<br />
for our actions.<br />
What the are you talking about?<br />
Wul, i mean, we have to<br />
accept that we have a problem<br />
And put the blame<br />
completely on ourselves.<br />
I mean, maybe this isn't<br />
really even a disease.<br />
Yeah, it's me -- We've got<br />
a turd in the punch bowl.<br />
I repeat, we have a<br />
turd in the punch bowl.<br />
Mr. President, in every test<br />
the results were the same.<br />
The monkeys who were given cash<br />
Always acted out their sexual<br />
addiction to dangerous levels.<br />
It appears that money has a direct<br />
affect on the virus' ability to develop.<br />
So we must keep our nation's youth<br />
away from money and success.<br />
No good mr. President,<br />
Because we've learned that<br />
sex addicts will find ways<br />
To make money and become successful<br />
in order to feed their addiction.<br />
You mean boys will start<br />
working tog rdnchd successful<br />
Just so they can one day<br />
have sex with lots of women?<br />
Yes.<br />
That's why we decided to look<br />
at the cash itself for clues.<br />
We tried to find something<br />
in hundred dollar bills<br />
That couldn explain why<br />
this is happening now.<br />
Then we looked at the<br />
backside and found this.Hn<br />
Independence hall,<br />
the birthplace of our country.<br />
We believe something is<br />
happening at independence hall<br />
That gives money<br />
its power over men.<br />
Independence hall,<br />
independence day, aliens...<br />
Gentlemen, i might know what's<br />
causing the sex addiction outbreak.<br />
This is highly classified,<br />
but in 1947,<br />
A flying saucer was discovered<br />
in roswell, new mexico.<br />
Two deceased alien bodies were recovered<br />
and hidden from public knowledge.<br />
They carried a virus with them,<br />
A virus that apparently<br />
was only barely stopped<br />
From spreading all<br />
over the country.<br />
And you think these aliens<br />
could be back with a new virus,<br />
One originating from<br />
independence hall<br />
Causing rich successful men to<br />
have sex with lots of women?<br />
It's the only explanation<br />
that makes any sense.<br />
I want to say that<br />
i am deeply sorry<br />
For my irresponsible<br />
and selfish behavior.<br />
I know i have severely<br />
disappointed all of you.<br />
Some have speculated that my wife<br />
Somehow hurt or attacked<br />
me on thanksgiving night.<br />
It angers me that people would<br />
fabricate a story like that.<br />
She has shown nothing<br />
but grace and poise.<br />
You mother !<br />
Oh no!<br />
I should have never married you!<br />
Ahggh, stop it!<br />
A porn star?<br />
You screwed a porn star?<br />
Oh dude, you found another gis<br />
phone number on my cell phone?<br />
Yeah, back in that water level.<br />
Is Kyle still at sex<br />
addiction therapy?<br />
That must be really intense.<br />
Okay, so what exactly<br />
are we doing now?<br />
We are on our way to help take care<br />
of your diseases once and for all!<br />
Oh good, cuz i really<br />
can't take it anymore.<br />
Don't worry.<br />
As soon as it's dead,<br />
everything will make sense.<br />
As soon as what's dead?<br />
God!Jesus!<br />
He just doesn't get it!<br />
The infected alie that they just discovered<br />
is hiding out at independence hall!<br />
Go, go, go! Move move move!<br />
Entrance is clear, mr. President!<br />
Mr. President, you aren't safe here,<br />
let us handle this.<br />
Right side clear!<br />
We must be careful.<br />
The alien could have cast some<br />
kind of spell of invisibility.<br />
Which would mean that the<br />
alien is also a wizard.<br />
Yes!<br />
It explains everything!<br />
A wizard alien would be able<br />
to cast a spell on our species.<br />
Causing all the men<br />
to become sex addicts.<br />
Enough!<br />
We have to find the wizard<br />
alien and break his spell!<br />
Okay, okay. Alright, hang on guys.<br />
I mean come on, this is<br />
getting a little riculous.<br />
Wizard alien?<br />
We all know what's going<br />
on here, don't we?<br />
Whenever a story breaks<br />
about some rich famous guy<br />
Going around and having<br />
sex with tons of girls,<br />
We all want to act like<br />
we don't understand it.<br />
But we do.<br />
We're guys, you know?<br />
Our brains are wired to<br />
strive to be the alpha male<br />
And get all the women that we can.<br />
I mean, look where we are!<br />
Even benjamin franklin screwed<br />
everything that moved,<br />
Because he could.<br />
We don't have to condone what<br />
these rich famous people do, but<br />
We can at least admit that<br />
given the same temptations<br />
And opportunities that<br />
somebody like Tiger woods has,<br />
A lot of guys might<br />
do something similar.<br />
We have a turd in the punch bowl.<br />
Turd in the punch bowl.<br />
Hey!What are you doing?<br />
No!Come on!<br />
Where are you taking me?<br />
Ten city blocks have been shut down<br />
Because an alien is believed to have<br />
taken refuge here, in independence hall.<br />
By all accounts the<br />
alien is also a wizard,<br />
Who could very easily<br />
be the cause of<br />
The outbreak of sex<br />
addiction in our country!<br />
Mr. President! Here they are!<br />
This is the boy i told you about.<br />
And his friend, bummers.<br />
Son, we were told that you think<br />
sex addition can be controlled,<br />
That it just takes restraint.<br />
Is that true?<br />
I just think i'd rather control it<br />
instead of blame it on anything.<br />
Amazing!<br />
Then the wizard alien's spell<br />
might not have any power over him!<br />
He could draw the bastard out!<br />
Quick!Give that boy a gun!<br />
What?<br />
You better take one too!<br />
Alright.Everyone to the stairwell!<br />
The bastard has gotta be upstairs!<br />
What bastard?<br />
The alien wizard hiding out here!<br />
Come on, we've got to --<br />
What the hell was that?<br />
I got a bad feeling about this.<br />
Oh my god, there it is!<br />
It's the alien wizard!<br />
It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it!<br />
Shoot it, boys!<br />
You have to shoot it!<br />
Shoot it again! It's still alive!<br />
You gotta reload!<br />
Keep firing boys!<br />
Shoot it in the heart!<br />
Keep shooting it!<br />
Shoot him in his blabber mouth!<br />
My god, they've done it!<br />
Look!The sex addiction!<br />
It's leaving my body!<br />
I can... feel it!<br />
I'm free!<br />
We are healed!<br />
We watched as sex addiction ran<br />
rampant through our country.<br />
It devastated families.<br />
But once again, our great<br />
country rose up as one.<br />
The wizard alien is dead.<br />
Sex addiction is no more.<br />
And if a rich celebrity is caught<br />
again trying to screw lots of women,<br />
We will now know it isn't<br />
because men are just like that,<br />
It's because a wizard alien<br />
has cast his mighty spell.<br />
Oh, i'm so glad it's over,<br />
sharon, aren't you?<br />
We are now with the young boys<br />
who helped stop the alien.<br />
Boys, how does it feel to<br />
be free of your illness?<br />
I guess it feels great. Thanks.<br />
Yeah, it feels great!<br />
I never wanna see bush again!<br />
I finally paid a<br />
lady to show me hers.<br />
You wanna know what's<br />
under that bush?<br />
Nothin' but a pair<br />
of sick joker lips!<br />
I am... so happy...<br />
that i am cured...<br />
And no longer have any desire<br />
to have sex with anyone,<br />
But my beautiful wife.<br />
Now i can be faithful,<br />
And my wife won't feel<br />
any need to get revenge<br />
By sleeping with a bunch of guys.<br />
So i officially announce<br />
my return to golf!<br />
What the hell?<br />
This game'albori now.<br />
Yeah, where's all the fighting?<br />
Dude, screw this.<br />
Who wants to hit a dumb<br />
little ball around?<br />
Yeah, golf is stupid again.<br />
Sync by YYeTs.net<br />
Transcript by Addic7ed.com<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-33897450014895711792012-01-02T02:03:00.002-08:002012-01-02T02:03:29.463-08:00S13E14 Pee<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
"Pee"<br />
CARTMAN:<br />
# We're goin' to the water park #<br />
# The water park,<br />
the water park, #<br />
# We're going<br />
to the water park #<br />
# Me and<br />
all my best friends, #<br />
# except for Kyle,<br />
who I don't like, #<br />
Okay, Cartman.<br />
You can stop singing now.<br />
This is gonna be<br />
so awesome, dude.<br />
I haven't been to the water park<br />
in like, over a year!<br />
What do you guys<br />
wanna do first?<br />
I hear they have<br />
a new inner-tube slide.<br />
No, dude.<br />
We gotta do<br />
the wave pool first.<br />
It's so dope.<br />
As long as there<br />
aren't any minorities.<br />
What are you<br />
talking about, Eric?<br />
You know, there's always like<br />
five or six minorities wearing<br />
their T-shirts in the wave pool.<br />
Pisses me off.<br />
We're here!<br />
It's the water park.<br />
I'm gonna pick you boys up<br />
right here at 4:00, you got it?<br />
Come on, let's go!<br />
We got it, Dad.<br />
Six adorable children, please.<br />
Wave pool!<br />
Wave pool!<br />
Wave pool!<br />
Oh, what the hell?<br />
MINORITIES:<br />
Whoa! Whoa!<br />
Alright.<br />
What do you guys<br />
wanna ride first?<br />
Well, Cartman said<br />
he wanted to do the wave pool<br />
first, right Cartman?<br />
Forget it.<br />
Just forget it!<br />
- [water waves lapping]<br />
- [people speaking indistinctly]<br />
Dude, this is awesome!<br />
You guys wanna see<br />
how long I can<br />
hold my breath under water?<br />
Hey, fellas!<br />
Fellas, hang on!<br />
I gotta go<br />
to the bathroom!<br />
Okay.<br />
Go ahead.<br />
Okay, thanks!<br />
I can seriously hold my breath<br />
longer than anybody.<br />
Somebody<br />
time me alright.<br />
- Okay!<br />
- Alright. Check it out--<br />
Butters-- Butters!<br />
What the fuck?<br />
Are you peeing<br />
in the pool?<br />
You said go ahead!<br />
Come on, Kyle.<br />
Let's check out the fireboats.<br />
No, dude.<br />
Butters' pee is in there!<br />
Aw, come on.<br />
Look at all this water.<br />
It doesn't matter<br />
if one person pees in it.<br />
Yeah, come on, Kyle.<br />
I am not the only person here<br />
who's peed in the pool.<br />
Lots a people do.<br />
No, they don't.<br />
Yeah, they do, Kyle.<br />
To be perfectly frank,<br />
I peed in the pool<br />
about 25 seconds ago.<br />
Dude!<br />
Come on, show us how long<br />
you can hold your breath!<br />
No!<br />
<i># What has happened<br />
to this place #<br />
<i># I don't recognize it<br />
anymore #<br />
<i># It used to be<br />
so fun and special #<br />
<i># What is life<br />
worth living for? #<br />
<i># The dream is dead,<br />
Our land is gone #<br />
<i># There's a hole in my heart #<br />
<i># And I can't go on #<br />
# There are too many<br />
minorities #<br />
<i># Minorities #<br />
<i>- # At my water park #<br />
- # My water park #<br />
<i># This was our land,<br />
our dream #<br />
<i># And they've taken<br />
it all away #<br />
<i># They just keep<br />
coming and coming #<br />
<i>- # Minorities #<br />
- # I tried to go and tell the police #<br />
<i># But even the authorities #<br />
<i># are minorities #<br />
<i>- # At my water park #<br />
- # At my water park #<br />
<i># There's no place for me<br />
to sit anymore #<br />
<i># And the lines just keep<br />
getting crazier #<br />
<i># There are Mexicans<br />
all around me #<br />
<i># The Lazy River<br />
has never been lazier #<br />
<i># It's a 40-minute wait to go<br />
down one slide #<br />
<i># And the instructions in Spanish<br />
on the Zipline Ride #<br />
Guarde sus brazos y piernas<br />
(Keep your arms and legs)<br />
dentro del paseo siempre.<br />
(on this long ride)<br />
Just do it in English!<br />
# There are too many<br />
minorities #<br />
# Too many #<br />
- # At my water park #<br />
- # Somebody do something #<br />
# Where did they all<br />
come from? #<br />
# Why can't they leave<br />
this land alone? #<br />
- # And it's such a tragedy #<br />
- # Feel a bit like dying #<br />
# We've been lookin'<br />
the other way too long #<br />
# We've got<br />
to change our priorities #<br />
# And get all these minorities #<br />
# Out of my water park #<br />
- # Minorities #<br />
- # Mexicans and Asians #<br />
# Black people #<br />
# I think I even saw #<br />
# A Native American #<br />
Gross.<br />
# God, I'm asking please, #<br />
# Get all of these minorities #<br />
# out of my water park #<br />
<i>My water park.<br />
After this, you guys, wanna<br />
hit the hurricane slides?<br />
You bet!<br />
I'm not getting back<br />
in the water.<br />
Oh, come on, Kyle.<br />
Dude, I just found out that<br />
everybody pees in pools.<br />
Why would I go back?<br />
Not everybody<br />
pees in pools.<br />
Do you pee in the pool?<br />
Not today-- yet.<br />
Aw, come on!<br />
Well dude,<br />
what are you gonna do?<br />
Just hang out here<br />
at the table all day?<br />
Most likely.<br />
You guys!<br />
You guys, we have got problems<br />
of Biblical proportions!<br />
Dude, where have you been?<br />
I've been counting.<br />
Do you know<br />
there are 205 Mexicans here?<br />
And there are<br />
109 black people.<br />
So what?<br />
So... guess<br />
how many white people are<br />
at the water park<br />
today?<br />
143.<br />
There are actually more<br />
minorities here than us.<br />
Well, then they're not<br />
minorities, are they?<br />
What do you mean?<br />
Dumb ass,<br />
if there's 60% of them<br />
to 40% of us,<br />
then who's the minority?<br />
The black and brown people.<br />
No, you're the minority!<br />
Do I look like a minority<br />
to you, stupid?<br />
Now look, guys,<br />
I did some calculations.<br />
Just last year,<br />
there were almost<br />
90% normal people<br />
to minorities.<br />
That's a 50% rise<br />
in one year.<br />
This is more math than<br />
I've ever seen you do.<br />
Because it's important!<br />
A 50% rise each year<br />
means that in three years,<br />
the world will be<br />
only minorities.<br />
That's 2012.<br />
The Mayans predicted this!<br />
- The who?!<br />
- The Mayans.<br />
They knew that minorities<br />
would take over the world<br />
by the year 2012.<br />
And now it's happening!<br />
I'm going to go on<br />
the slides.<br />
Whoopie!<br />
You guys?<br />
You guys, we have to do<br />
something to stop this!<br />
Come on!<br />
Well, looks like at least<br />
you've got some sense<br />
left in you, Kyle.<br />
So what are we going to do<br />
to keep the Mayans prediction<br />
from coming true, buddy?<br />
Blow it out your ass,<br />
Cartman.<br />
Eugene!<br />
That is disgusting!<br />
Did you just<br />
pee in the pool?<br />
Oh, come on!<br />
Look how big this pool is.<br />
One person peeing in it<br />
isn't going to hurt anything.<br />
Eww!<br />
Oh my God!<br />
Ah, gentlemen,<br />
I am a-the Pipi.<br />
How can I a-help you?<br />
Pipi, we have some dire news<br />
concerning your water park.<br />
I've just finished<br />
some tests.<br />
The water in your park<br />
is now 98% pee.<br />
Yes?<br />
So what's a-the problem?<br />
Pipi, you know that<br />
acceptable pee levels<br />
in any water park<br />
is 83%.<br />
You have to shut down.<br />
What?<br />
I can't-a close down.<br />
Now it's my biggest a-weekend!<br />
Everyone is a-having<br />
the fun!<br />
You're endangering<br />
peoples' lives!<br />
If those pee levels hit 100%,<br />
there's no telling<br />
what will happen.<br />
<i>And what proof do you have<br />
that the pee levels will go up?<br />
One in three people admit<br />
they pee in pools.<br />
Add another for people who do<br />
but don't admit it,<br />
that's two in three.<br />
You've got just over<br />
500 people out there.<br />
That's 332 people about<br />
to pee in your water.<br />
Gentlemen, please-a.<br />
I come-a from the Venice.<br />
Venice is almost all pee,<br />
and we do just a-fine.<br />
We swim-a in the pee,<br />
we sing-a in the pee.<br />
You can't barge in here and<br />
tell me that I have to close down<br />
just because my water park<br />
has-a too much pee.<br />
You have<br />
to evacuate people now!<br />
He said he's not doing it!<br />
And as his lawyer,<br />
I advise you gentlemen,<br />
to leave and take<br />
your wild pee theories with you.<br />
If one more person<br />
urinates in your pool,<br />
it could set off<br />
a chain reaction.<br />
Then the pee will be<br />
on your hands.<br />
Oh, boy, the waves are<br />
startin' up again!<br />
This is sweet, huh,<br />
Kenny?<br />
[water waves moving intensely]<br />
W-What's that?<br />
[screaming]<br />
It's pee!<br />
Look out for the pee!<br />
Ah! Gross!<br />
[everyone screaming<br />
in unison]<br />
- It's a-the pee!<br />
- [woman screaming]<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
They killed Kenny!<br />
Aw, sick!<br />
I want<br />
that entire water park<br />
contained and quarantined<br />
until I get some answers.<br />
[police chatter in distance]<br />
What's going on?<br />
I told you people<br />
to keep civilians back!<br />
Sir, please,<br />
my son is in there.<br />
What's happened?<br />
We don't know yet,<br />
alright?<br />
There's been a pee breach<br />
and a lot of people are dead.<br />
Now, I'm sorry but<br />
you're gonna have to--<br />
Captain, these two men claim<br />
to know the situation.<br />
We warnedthe owner of the park,<br />
but he refused<br />
to shut down.<br />
This was inevitable.<br />
- So this is all pee-related?<br />
- Yes.<br />
I tested the pH levels<br />
this morning.<br />
And?<br />
It was almost all pee, no H.<br />
Oh my God.<br />
I've got to help him!<br />
Stay back!<br />
You can't just leave my son<br />
in there with all that pee!<br />
Sir, it's possible<br />
with a crane,<br />
we could help<br />
any survivors out.<br />
I think that would be<br />
a very bad idea.<br />
And why is that?<br />
Anyone inside there is<br />
contaminated.<br />
We have reason to believe that<br />
when people are exposed<br />
to that much pee,<br />
they change.<br />
Change how?<br />
Alright, bring in--<br />
Bring in the monkey.<br />
We've only tested the theory<br />
on monkeys so far.<br />
This monkey is healthy and<br />
normal in every way.<br />
But now watch.<br />
[monkey howling]<br />
My God, he's become<br />
full of rage!<br />
Ah!<br />
Kyle, quick!<br />
You gotta swim over<br />
to us.<br />
No way!<br />
- You gotta swim over here, Kyle.<br />
- Come on, Kyle!<br />
Dude, that's all pee!<br />
Well, if you don't swim in it,<br />
you're gonna die.<br />
I'll die<br />
if I do swim in it.<br />
Kyle, it's just pee.<br />
It's not that big a deal.<br />
Yes, it is a big deal!<br />
Why do you think<br />
everyone washes their hands<br />
after they go<br />
to the bathroom?<br />
Well, not everyone washes<br />
their hands<br />
after they go<br />
to the bathroom.<br />
What?<br />
Come on, dude,<br />
you gotta swim.<br />
You don't wash your hands<br />
after going to the bathroom?<br />
Not... all the time.<br />
- That is gross!<br />
- Why?<br />
It's not like you're peeing<br />
on your hands.<br />
There's more germs<br />
on most furniture<br />
- than there is in pee.<br />
- Yeah, if anything,<br />
you should wash your hands<br />
before you touch your wiener.<br />
Kyle, come on!<br />
God dammit!<br />
Ah...<br />
Oh...<br />
[groaning]<br />
Do you need<br />
to wash your hands?<br />
I can't hold on...<br />
Help!<br />
Help!<br />
Here!<br />
Hey kid,<br />
grab this stick!<br />
Yes!<br />
Yes, help me!<br />
Yes, help me.<br />
I'm just a little boy.<br />
You have to help me.<br />
[groaning]<br />
Are you okay?<br />
Ha-ha. Yes.<br />
Thank you.<br />
Well, what are<br />
we gonna do now?<br />
We've got<br />
to just wait it out.<br />
WOMAN:<br />
Yeah, but for how long?<br />
MAN: We need to find something<br />
to paddle with.<br />
<i>CARTMAN:<br />
Day one.<br />
<i>It has happened.<br />
<i>The Mayans were right.<br />
<i>Only thing they got wrong<br />
was the date.<br />
<i>It is 2009 and I appear to be<br />
the last of my species alive.<br />
<i>Now it's just me, all alone,<br />
<i>with minorities.<br />
<i>What will the minorities<br />
do with me?<br />
<i>I'm sure that's what's on<br />
all their minds.<br />
I have to make myself<br />
seem useful to them,<br />
or they will<br />
surely not let me live.<br />
[clears throat]<br />
Does anyone need<br />
medical help?<br />
I am a doctor.<br />
Randy!<br />
Randy, calm down!<br />
I can't understand<br />
what you're saying.<br />
<i>It's the pee!<br />
<i>It's all pee and<br />
nobody can go in or out!<br />
What is all pee?<br />
Sharon, the water park<br />
had a pee meltdown!<br />
They think a lot of people<br />
have died.<br />
<i>What?<br />
What about Stan?<br />
<i>Is he okay?<br />
I don't know!<br />
The whole water park<br />
has been quarantined.<br />
They're worried anyone<br />
left alive could be--<br />
Some kind of raging<br />
hate-filled mutants!<br />
<i>Randy, you've got to<br />
do something!<br />
Calm down, Sharon.<br />
Calm down!<br />
They're trying<br />
to find an antidote.<br />
Once they believe<br />
they can neutralize<br />
the enraging affects<br />
of the pee, they'll...<br />
they'll go in<br />
to look for survivors.<br />
I said<br />
keep the media out.<br />
If the public<br />
hears about this,<br />
we'll have a full-scale panic<br />
on our hands.<br />
- [phone hangs up]<br />
- Dammit!<br />
Where is that antidote?<br />
Here!<br />
Here!<br />
We think we have it, sir.<br />
It's the best<br />
we could come up with<br />
in such a short time.<br />
We aren't sure<br />
of the ramifications,<br />
but it does appear to neutralize<br />
some particles of the urine.<br />
Alright, let's test it.<br />
Bring in the monkeys!<br />
[monkeys howling]<br />
Let's hope to Christ<br />
this works.<br />
[monkeys screaming more]<br />
No, dammit no!<br />
They're still angry!<br />
This one's really angry.<br />
It's out of control!<br />
[cocks gun]<br />
[gunshot]<br />
Find an antidote<br />
that works!<br />
Dude, why aren't people<br />
coming to help us?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Oh why...<br />
Why didn't Pipi a-listen?<br />
They tried to warn<br />
a-the Pipi,<br />
but a-Pipi<br />
not believe them.<br />
- [sobbing]<br />
- Who are you?<br />
Oh, I'm so sorry!<br />
This is all-a my fault!<br />
I should have-a<br />
shut my water park down<br />
when it reached<br />
90% a-pee!<br />
Yeah. Well,<br />
people should know<br />
that peeing in pools<br />
is bad!<br />
But wait-a!<br />
Maybe you boys<br />
a can-a help Pipi.<br />
In-a the maintenance room-a,<br />
there is<br />
the emergency release valve.<br />
If you open it, all-a this a pee<br />
can be lowered!<br />
Okay! Where's<br />
the maintenance room?<br />
That is a-the problem.<br />
The maintenance room is a<br />
way down on the basement level.<br />
I would do it, but Pipi is<br />
a no good at a-the swimming.<br />
Somebody will have<br />
to dive down into the pee,<br />
then stay there<br />
to turn the release wheel.<br />
So who can hold-a<br />
their breath the longest?<br />
No!<br />
You said you can hold<br />
your breath the longest, Kyle.<br />
Not in pee!<br />
Please-a<br />
you have to hurry.<br />
I'll draw you<br />
a-the map<br />
and instructions<br />
how to shut off a-the valve-a.<br />
It'll be as easy as<br />
a-peeing in the shower!<br />
Oh, who pees<br />
in the shower?<br />
Well, it's not like if you<br />
suddenly have to pee,<br />
you're gonna get<br />
out of the shower.<br />
Yeah, seeing<br />
all that running water<br />
<i>always makes me<br />
need to pee.<br />
You don't pee<br />
in the shower, dude!<br />
That's fucking disgusting!<br />
Boys-a please!<br />
We've got to get this boy<br />
to-a that drainage valve<br />
or we're all a-gonna die.<br />
Jesus Christ!<br />
<i>It has been many, many hours<br />
since the apocalypse,<br />
<i>and all I keep thinking<br />
is "Why me?"<br />
<i>Why am I the only one<br />
of my race<br />
<i>God chose to survive in this<br />
minority-run world?<br />
<i>When the smoke<br />
has cleared,<br />
<i>I'm sure the minorities<br />
will start rebuilding.<br />
<i>Building the world<br />
in their way.<br />
<i>I can see it now.<br />
No...<br />
Alright, Eric Cartman.<br />
Let's hear your book report.<br />
<i>I read Treasure Island<br />
because I was so happy<br />
when I saw that movie.<br />
Hey!<br />
You're living in a minority<br />
speaking country now.<br />
Say it right.<br />
Because I was so happy<br />
when I seen that movie.<br />
- Good.<br />
- No...<br />
<i>Trying to find a job<br />
will be even harder.<br />
You don't expect to make<br />
the same amount of money<br />
that minorities make,<br />
do you?<br />
Well, I do just<br />
as much work...<br />
Ha ha.<br />
You're trash around here.<br />
You'll never make as much<br />
as a minority.<br />
No...<br />
<i>Eventually, the minorities will<br />
do away with me all together.<br />
All those in favor of putting<br />
white people in camps?<br />
ALL: Aye!<br />
All those opposed?<br />
No...<br />
The minorities win!<br />
No!<br />
No, I don't want to live in your world,<br />
do you understand?<br />
Your world is cold and void<br />
of any humanity.<br />
Just kill me.<br />
Kill me now!<br />
Do it!<br />
Okay, there--<br />
We are almost<br />
a-ready for the diving.<br />
Now if you run a-into<br />
the any problems,<br />
you just tug a-three times<br />
on the cable<br />
and a-Pipi will a-pull you back<br />
a-to the surface.<br />
Let's just get<br />
this over with.<br />
You got a the map-a and<br />
a-Pipi's instructions.<br />
- Yes.<br />
- Good.<br />
Now just-a<br />
one last thing.<br />
You need<br />
to drink some-a pee.<br />
What?<br />
You just need to drink about<br />
a three cups-a pee.<br />
Why?<br />
You swim a down-a<br />
deep in the pee,<br />
you get a-the pressure.<br />
The benz-a!<br />
You have to fill the inside of<br />
your body with some a-pee<br />
to compensate.<br />
<i>That's true, dude.<br />
Didn't you see the Abyss?<br />
I am not.<br />
<i>Not drinking pee.<br />
But only you can a-hold<br />
the breath<br />
a long time to swim down<br />
and release a-the valve<br />
and-a if you get a the benz-a,<br />
then you a fail<br />
and we all a-die!<br />
Just drink the pee, Kyle.<br />
Please, Kyle.<br />
I wanna go home.<br />
What's a-the problem?<br />
When a-you pee, either in<br />
the toilet or in a-the shower,<br />
it all goes to the sewer.<br />
The sewer all a-goes<br />
to the ocean.<br />
The ocean is the water<br />
we all a-drink.<br />
You are always<br />
drinking the pee!<br />
That doesn't make me<br />
feel better!<br />
I wouldn't even be able<br />
to keep it down.<br />
Sure you will!<br />
You drank only pee<br />
for nine months<br />
when you lived in<br />
a-your mother's belly.<br />
No!<br />
Make way! Make way!<br />
I need to speak<br />
to the fire marshal!<br />
Sir!<br />
Sir, I just got off the phone<br />
with my colleagues<br />
at the university.<br />
They've also been testing<br />
antidotes on monkeys.<br />
They're claiming that<br />
they've had success,<br />
<i>using simple musa acuminata.<br />
Wait.<br />
You mean a banana.<br />
Yes.<br />
Is it possible?<br />
The antidote is something<br />
as simple as a banana?<br />
Get another monkey!<br />
Alright, Conners.<br />
[monkey making noises]<br />
Holy God! It works.<br />
Alright.<br />
Let's start moving in everyone!<br />
- Check for--<br />
- Hold on!<br />
It is a promising lead,<br />
but this antidote<br />
hasn't yet been tested<br />
on a human.<br />
I'll do it.<br />
You can test<br />
the antidote on me.<br />
You sure<br />
you want to do this?<br />
Give me the banana.<br />
[munching]<br />
Agh.<br />
[groaning extensively]<br />
He looks agitated.<br />
He's losin' it!<br />
Stevens, your gun!<br />
No, wait!<br />
Wait.<br />
I'm okay.<br />
He's alright!<br />
The banana worked!<br />
Come on, dude.<br />
I'm thinking about it!<br />
Well, it's probably b-b-better<br />
if you don't think<br />
about it, Kyle.<br />
There's no more time-a!<br />
You have<br />
to drink a-the pee now!<br />
[gulping]<br />
Come on, you have<br />
to drink all a-the pee!<br />
You can do it, Kyle!<br />
- Ah! [glass breaks]<br />
- Alright-a!<br />
Now you can open<br />
a-the release-a valve.<br />
Okay, so lets-a--<br />
Hey, look!<br />
Stan!<br />
Alright, they finally<br />
came for us!<br />
Are you fucking<br />
kidding me?!<br />
[cheering]<br />
[police chatter]<br />
[helicopter whirring overhead]<br />
Wait here<br />
a minute, Stan.<br />
I'm going<br />
to call your mother.<br />
Guys?<br />
Guys!<br />
Oh, it's true!<br />
You all did survive!<br />
Aw, you lived?<br />
Oh my God, you guys!<br />
I really thought I was<br />
the only non-minority on Earth!<br />
How many of<br />
our species survived?<br />
That wasn't a Mayan apocalypse,<br />
you racist idiot!<br />
It wasn't?<br />
So then you mean...<br />
We do have until 2012.<br />
Well, it may be only<br />
three years,<br />
but I intend to live those<br />
precious years to the fullest!<br />
Will somebody just get me<br />
to a hospital?<br />
I need to get<br />
my stomach pumped.<br />
Aw, come on.<br />
It was just a little pee, Kyle.<br />
God dammit,<br />
don't you get it?<br />
I hate pee!<br />
I'm grossed out<br />
by pee!<br />
The only thing I find more<br />
disgusting than pee is bananas!<br />
Alright everyone, quick!<br />
Here you go!<br />
What's this?<br />
You all need to eat<br />
your banana immediately!<br />
What the hell for?<br />
Eat the banana<br />
or we have to put you down!<br />
Transcript: LeapinLar<br />
[OpenSubtitles.org]<br />
Sync and Edits: VeRdiKT<br />
[Subscene.com / Addic7ed.com]<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-87895643847160941602012-01-02T02:03:00.000-08:002012-01-02T02:03:05.222-08:00S13E13 Dances with Smurfs<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
"Dances with Smurfs"<br />
<i>Good morning,<br />
South Park Elementary.<br />
<i>These are the morning<br />
announcements.<br />
<i>Parent/teacher conferences<br />
begin next Thursday.<br />
<i>If you have<br />
not yet done so,<br />
<i>please turn in your parents'<br />
requested time sheets<br />
<i>by the end<br />
of fifth period today.<br />
<i>Lunch today will be a choice<br />
of chicken tostadas<br />
<i>or spaghetti with a marinara<br />
sauce and side salad.<br />
<i>Attention,<br />
fourth graders.<br />
<i>The fall registration<br />
for glee club<br />
<i>starts tomorrow.<br />
<i>Any interested students<br />
should fill out a--<br />
<i>Whoa!<br />
What's going on?<br />
<i>I'll kill you!<br />
<i>- I swear to God, I'll kill you!<br />
- Who are you?<br />
<i>I'm the man<br />
who's going to<br />
<i>put a bullet<br />
between your eyes!<br />
<i>Hey!<br />
He's got a gun!<br />
<i>You little bastard!<br />
<i>You fucked my wife!<br />
<i>You think<br />
I wouldn't find out?<br />
<i>Sir, please,<br />
I don't know you.<br />
<i>Yeah, right!<br />
<i>What the hell<br />
is going on here?<br />
<i>You, sir, need to<br />
leave this area--<br />
<i>Oh God!<br />
He shot him!<br />
<i>You had to push me,<br />
didn't you?<br />
<i>- Now you!<br />
- Ahh!<br />
<i>Sir, I don't truly--<br />
<i>There!<br />
How does it feel, huh?<br />
<i>Please,<br />
I don't know you--<br />
<i>You're Gordon Saltski, right?<br />
<i>Truck driver from Chicago?<br />
<i>No, I'm Gordon Stolski!<br />
<i>Third grader who reads the<br />
morning announcements!<br />
<i>Yeah right!<br />
We'll see if that's true!<br />
<i>Go on, read the morning<br />
announcements!<br />
<i>- Somebody help me--<br />
- I said do it!<br />
<i>Any interested students<br />
should<br />
<i>fill out<br />
an applicant survey--<br />
<i>I knew you were lying!<br />
<i>That was terrible!<br />
<i>Now put your mouth over<br />
the barrel of this gun.<br />
<i>No, please...<br />
I'm so scared.<br />
<i>I'm so scared.<br />
<i>Do it!<br />
<i>Please,<br />
I... I'll do whatever<br />
<i>you say I...<br />
Here, see?<br />
<i>I got my mouth<br />
on the barrel.<br />
<i>Look at you now.<br />
<i>We're all dead!<br />
We will always remember<br />
the way that<br />
Gordon bravely read the<br />
announcements every morning.<br />
Lead us in the Pledge of<br />
Allegiance, m'kay,<br />
and touched many kids' lives<br />
here at the school.<br />
And even though<br />
we now know that<br />
the shooter had him confused<br />
with a 40-year-old truck driver<br />
who happened<br />
to have a similar name,<br />
I know this has been<br />
pretty traumatizing, m'kay.<br />
Now we must decide<br />
who will pick up<br />
where little Gordon<br />
left off?<br />
Who will take<br />
his place reading<br />
the morning announcements?<br />
It is a big responsibility.<br />
Because it will be your voice<br />
the entire school listens to, m'kay.<br />
And although Gordon Stoltski<br />
can never be replaced,<br />
m'kay, there must be<br />
a student out there<br />
who has the drive<br />
and the passion to<br />
have his or her voice heard<br />
every morning.<br />
Oh my God.<br />
So you're, uh,<br />
trying out to be<br />
the morning announcements<br />
person as well?<br />
Yeah.<br />
I think it would be really<br />
f-f-f-fun and r-r-r-aise<br />
my self es-es-es-e-steem.<br />
Oh this is it, huh?<br />
Okay, uh, Mike,<br />
why don't we<br />
have you tryout first, m'kay.<br />
Ha ha!<br />
He stutters<br />
like a bitch!<br />
I've got this job<br />
in the bag!<br />
Who are you?<br />
My name is Casey Miller<br />
and I'm in<br />
the third grade.<br />
Ever since I can remember,<br />
people have told me<br />
I should read<br />
the morning announcements.<br />
My friends<br />
always said to me,<br />
"Dear Casey, your voice is like<br />
butter to our ears.<br />
Could you please<br />
find a way<br />
to get that audible chocolate<br />
on the airwaves?<br />
Well, here I am.<br />
And hopefully, I'll be the kid<br />
with the job.<br />
M'kay, really nice,<br />
Mike.<br />
Maybe next time you can<br />
get past the first word.<br />
Oh, Casey Miller, good.<br />
You're trying out, too?<br />
I'm trying out<br />
and drying out<br />
in the sultry summer sun,<br />
that is my voice.<br />
M'kay, Eric.<br />
You wanna go next?<br />
M'kay, Eric.<br />
I'm just gonna have you read<br />
this piece of paper.<br />
Mr. Mackey,<br />
what's a moronic<br />
jiz rag?<br />
What?<br />
What on Earth<br />
are you askin' me that for?<br />
Well, it's just that...<br />
That's what<br />
that Casey kid<br />
said about<br />
your hair piece.<br />
Get lost,<br />
you little dirtball!<br />
- Excuse me?<br />
- I said take a hike!<br />
I don't understand<br />
what I did wrong.<br />
Beat it.<br />
You're not getting the job!<br />
<i>Good morning,<br />
South Park Elementary.<br />
<i>These are<br />
the morning announcements.<br />
And I am Eric Cartman.<br />
All forms for<br />
the school book drive<br />
must be handed in to<br />
Mr. Davis in the library<br />
by the end<br />
of the school day today.<br />
Hmm, doesn't seem<br />
like they gave us<br />
a lot of notice<br />
on that, okay.<br />
Oh, well.<br />
For lunch today,<br />
the cafeteria<br />
will be serving a selection of<br />
cold sandwiches.<br />
Cold sandwiches.<br />
Oh, well.<br />
Thank you so much.<br />
Remember when we used to be<br />
served hot food?<br />
I mean, what has happened<br />
to our school?<br />
This school<br />
is transforming into<br />
something very bad<br />
and why?<br />
Because we have leadership<br />
that doesn't care.<br />
I'm talking of course about<br />
our student body president.<br />
Wendy Testaburger.<br />
<i>Ever since Wendy was elected<br />
student body president,<br />
<i>this school<br />
has started a rapid decline<br />
<i>towards<br />
some socialist regime<br />
<i>where students no longer<br />
have a voice.<br />
<i>The music room will be closed<br />
off today due to painting.<br />
<i>All students<br />
in band or choir<br />
<i>will meet in<br />
the gymnasium instead.<br />
<i>Oh so, now the school is using<br />
money to paint the music room.<br />
<i>How old and outdated is<br />
our playground equipment?<br />
What other school has a<br />
15-year-old merry go round on it?<br />
Our school president is turning<br />
this whole place<br />
into Communist Russia.<br />
<i>It's not a coincidence,<br />
that once Wendy took office<br />
<i>this school started<br />
coming apart<br />
<i>at the seams.<br />
<i>Your teachers<br />
don't want to tell you,<br />
<i>but they are scared and<br />
they should be<br />
<i>because the very fabric<br />
of this elementary school<br />
<i>is tearing from all corners.<br />
Oh jeez!<br />
<i>But hey,<br />
I'm just a normal kid<br />
<i>like you,<br />
except that I ask questions.<br />
<i>And because I'm brave<br />
enough to ask questions,<br />
<i>I come under scrutinies.<br />
<i>Is Wendy using your lunch money<br />
to buy heroin?<br />
<i>Probably not.<br />
<i>But how can we know?<br />
<i>I don't want<br />
my lunch money<br />
<i>going to drugs.<br />
<i>Who's taking these drugs?<br />
What would be the point?<br />
<i>I'm asking questions.<br />
Will somebody<br />
shut him up?<br />
You wanted to see me,<br />
Principal Victoria?<br />
The job is to read what is<br />
written on the paper, Eric,<br />
not to embellish<br />
the way you do.<br />
Oh, I get it.<br />
You're trying<br />
to silence me!<br />
You're scared that somebody is<br />
standing up to this school<br />
and its president<br />
for once!<br />
No, it's just that the<br />
announcements need to be quick<br />
so the students can<br />
get on with their work.<br />
Oh, really?<br />
Then how come Gordon Stolski got<br />
to go on for like five minutes<br />
that one day?<br />
Well, because he was<br />
being murdered.<br />
You just want somebody to<br />
read what's in front of them<br />
like a brain-washed zombie,<br />
is that it, Mr. Mackey?<br />
I am not<br />
Gordon Stolski, okay?<br />
I'm not some<br />
dog on a leash<br />
that just blindly says<br />
what he's told,<br />
until he's killed.<br />
All we ask is you keep it shorter.<br />
Oh, I will.<br />
And maybe I'll also have<br />
a word with the ACLU.<br />
Tell them that<br />
a student is being told<br />
not to speak out<br />
against his school.<br />
I'm sure they'll find that<br />
very interesting.<br />
Well...<br />
<i>Good morning,<br />
South Park Elementary.<br />
<i>These are the morning<br />
announcements.<br />
<i>Tryouts for the soccer team<br />
are Friday afternoon.<br />
<i>That is, of course,<br />
<i>if our student body president<br />
does something<br />
<i>about our abysmal<br />
soccer field.<br />
<i>I have a question.<br />
<i>What does Wendy Testaburger<br />
actually do?<br />
<i>She is supposed to be<br />
the president, right?<br />
What is her agenda?<br />
She's lying to everyone!<br />
Or is she?<br />
Let's ask these questions!<br />
Today I want to talk briefly about<br />
the state of our school's economy.<br />
The bake sale last week<br />
was a complete failure.<br />
And besides that, who actually<br />
voted for Wendy Testaburger?<br />
I know I didn't.<br />
And everyone who did is now<br />
scratching their heads<br />
and going, "Oops!<br />
"Guess I shouldn't<br />
have done that."<br />
I'm not in<br />
the student council.<br />
I'm just<br />
a normal kid like all of you.<br />
And like all of you,<br />
I want to know<br />
what has happened<br />
to my school!<br />
I pledge allegiance<br />
to the flag...<br />
Of the United States of<br />
America.<br />
Our United States,<br />
not the one that<br />
Wendy Testaburger would have--<br />
a socialist dung hole.<br />
A socialist dung hole...<br />
<i>Good morning, students.<br />
<i>These are the morning<br />
announcements.<br />
<i>If you will direct your attention<br />
to the new video monitors<br />
<i>at the head<br />
of your class.<br />
<i>You will see that<br />
the announcements<br />
are now being done<br />
in video.<br />
Oh God. No!<br />
Lunch today is going<br />
to be pizza.<br />
Again.<br />
Friends,<br />
our school is dying<br />
and you know it.<br />
You feel it.<br />
You're like me,<br />
you wanna change it.<br />
But oh no, Wendy Testaburger's<br />
not gonna let that happen.<br />
This is not<br />
the school we grew up in<br />
and... and I don't know<br />
if we can get it back.<br />
So let's take a look at exactly<br />
what our school president wants.<br />
You know, what is<br />
she trying to achieve?<br />
Let's just take a look<br />
at these key words here.<br />
Wendy has made it clear<br />
she wants our school<br />
to be a more integrated,<br />
leftist, and liberal place.<br />
<i>But you see,<br />
when that happens,<br />
<i>what we get is a--<br />
Socialist, modern,<br />
utopian,<br />
reformed farce<br />
of a school.<br />
<i>So when you look closely,<br />
it becomes very obvious<br />
what Wendy wants.<br />
K-I-L-L S-M-U-R-F-S.<br />
Our school president<br />
wants to kill Smurfs.<br />
No!<br />
I don't know if we're turning<br />
into a Smurf hating school<br />
or what<br />
we're turning into.<br />
But unless you ask why,<br />
we're gonna transform<br />
into something.<br />
Hey Wendy!<br />
Wendy!<br />
Is it true?<br />
Is what true?<br />
That you hate Smurfs?<br />
I don't have time<br />
for this.<br />
Hey now,<br />
me and us fellers<br />
are just asking questions!<br />
- Yeah!<br />
- That's right!<br />
- We can ask!<br />
- Try to understand this:<br />
All I do is try<br />
to help run student council.<br />
I don't give a crap<br />
about Smurfs!<br />
Oh! It is true!<br />
- Oh my God!<br />
- She admitted it!<br />
Oh my God!<br />
Maybe you guys<br />
should check into<br />
what student council<br />
actually does<br />
before you just blindly<br />
listen to what some idiot<br />
with a microphone<br />
tells you!<br />
What did the Smurfs<br />
ever do to you?<br />
You bitch!<br />
I just called<br />
the president a bitch!<br />
Yeah!<br />
- That was cool!<br />
- Awesome!<br />
- Yeah.<br />
- Yeah, great job.<br />
Thank you,<br />
and this is to...<br />
Douglas.<br />
To Douglas,<br />
there you go.<br />
Book signing today,<br />
everyone.<br />
Be sure to pick up<br />
your copy.<br />
- Hey, Eric!<br />
- Well, hello.<br />
Another person<br />
who cares about<br />
the future<br />
of our school!<br />
Oh, you bet!<br />
I love all the stuff<br />
you said about<br />
how our school president<br />
never does anything!<br />
And how she's changing<br />
everything!<br />
Yes. Well,<br />
now you can read about all<br />
the things I've said, Butters.<br />
Take this copy<br />
of my book.<br />
Cool, thanks!<br />
That'll be $5.<br />
Oh okay...<br />
What the hell do you think<br />
you're doing?<br />
A book signing.<br />
I looked through<br />
your stupid book.<br />
It's 540 pages<br />
of ripping on Wendy<br />
and calling her a slut!<br />
I do not directly say<br />
she's a slut.<br />
"Wendy Testaburger has proven<br />
time and time again<br />
that she will do anything<br />
to pleasure her vagina.<br />
Whether it is the school<br />
football team<br />
or the janitor's<br />
on their break,<br />
Wendy spends her time<br />
as President on her knees<br />
or on her back taking the ol' in<br />
out for hours on end."<br />
You didn't read<br />
the rest, dude.<br />
- Or does she.<br />
- Or does she?<br />
See, that's a question.<br />
I'm asking questions, Stan!<br />
I've called for Wendy to come on<br />
my show and defend herself,<br />
but she won't do it.<br />
Yeah, and<br />
she hates Smurfs!<br />
"Shouldn't we be worried if<br />
our school president is a girl<br />
who would rather<br />
get her tits licked<br />
than go to student<br />
council meetings?"<br />
- Whoa!<br />
- Yeah. Geez.<br />
Hey, hey!<br />
Stop reading that!<br />
What do you mean?<br />
Listen, just because<br />
a guy's voice is on the intercom<br />
and his words<br />
are in a book<br />
doesn't mean he has any idea<br />
what he's talking about!<br />
Yes, it does.<br />
Eric Cartman<br />
is simply making it<br />
so that all kids take<br />
the responsibility<br />
to question their<br />
school leaders.<br />
We should all ask if our<br />
president<br />
is a penis hungry hooker<br />
with a huge vagina.<br />
I'm Casey Miller.<br />
Wendy, did you see<br />
the stuff<br />
Cartman is saying<br />
about you now?<br />
I really don't care, Stan.<br />
Well, don't you think you<br />
should go on his show<br />
and defend yourself?<br />
Everyone is starting to think<br />
you're a crappy president.<br />
I'm not giving Eric Fartman<br />
one minute of my time,<br />
you got that?<br />
I'm not acknowledging<br />
his stupid questions.<br />
If you want him dealt with,<br />
you'll have to do it<br />
yourself.<br />
You wanted to see me again,<br />
Principal Victoria?<br />
Eric, we've been informed by<br />
a concerned student<br />
that you are<br />
writing naughty books<br />
about one of the girls<br />
here at the school.<br />
Oh, Wendy came<br />
and told on me?<br />
So what,<br />
because she's president,<br />
she can't be written about?!<br />
Eric, apparently you wrote<br />
that Wendy's private parts<br />
are big enough to fly<br />
an airplane through, m'kay.<br />
And what if they are?<br />
You'll stop me from asking just<br />
because Wendy forces you to?<br />
Eric, the student body president<br />
really doesn't have<br />
the kind of power that you--<br />
Just enough power<br />
to force you<br />
to stop me<br />
from selling my book.<br />
Face it, you're a lackey,<br />
Mackey.<br />
Eric, I've had enough!<br />
<i>You cannot<br />
and you will not<br />
sell your books<br />
on school grounds.<br />
Do I make myself clear?<br />
Clear as summer rain.<br />
Clear as a flavorless bottle<br />
of vitamin water!<br />
This school has finally<br />
transformed into<br />
the socialist whore land<br />
where a student isn't free.<br />
Well, I'm not going<br />
to be a part of it.<br />
Do you understand?<br />
I am leaving this hypocritical<br />
Communist school!<br />
I am walking out and<br />
I am never coming back!<br />
<i>Live from the<br />
principal's office--<br />
<i>These are the morning<br />
announcements.<br />
<i>Here is Eric Cartman.<br />
Yesterday,<br />
as most of you know,<br />
I walked out on this program<br />
and on our school.<br />
I was so... fed up with our<br />
President's hypocrisies,<br />
me not being allowed<br />
to sell my book...<br />
I wanted to live in a place<br />
where my values<br />
were still upheld.<br />
And so I decided<br />
to leave it all behind<br />
and instead go and live<br />
with the Smurfs.<br />
<i>I simply observed the gentle<br />
Smurfs at first.<br />
<i>I wanted to understand<br />
how they could live<br />
<i>such simple and<br />
decent lives.<br />
<i>They were wary of me<br />
at the beginning,<br />
<i>but slowly, I began<br />
to earn their trust.<br />
<i>It wasn't long before the gentle<br />
Smurfs accepted me<br />
as one of their own.<br />
Whoa...<br />
<i>The Smurfs and I grew<br />
to understand each other.<br />
<i>They shared with me their art of<br />
picking Smurfberries.<br />
<i>And I shared with them stories<br />
of my country's forefathers.<br />
<i>Of course,<br />
it wasn't long before...<br />
<i>I fell in love with Smurfette.<br />
<i>We were from<br />
two different worlds<br />
<i>and yet, we spoke the<br />
common language of passion.<br />
These are the morning<br />
announcements?<br />
Shh!<br />
<i>Papa Smurf<br />
was displeased at first.<br />
<i>He told Smurfette<br />
I wasn't a real Smurf<br />
<i>and we could<br />
never be happy.<br />
<i>But I eventually proved myself<br />
to Papa Smurf<br />
<i>by picking more Smurfberries<br />
<i>than any Smurf had ever<br />
smurfed before.<br />
<i>Finally, all was right<br />
with the world.<br />
<i>But then... a crisis.<br />
<i>Clumsy Smurf burst<br />
into the Smurf ceremony<br />
<i>to say that humans had come<br />
to destroy all of Smurfland.<br />
No!<br />
No, you must leave<br />
the noble Smurfs alone!<br />
Who is behind all this?<br />
I should have known!<br />
Wendy!<br />
Out of my way!<br />
Wendy!<br />
What are you doing here?<br />
Smurfberries are worth<br />
a lot of money.<br />
With all those Smurfberries,<br />
I can power the school<br />
for the entire year!<br />
Wendy, I know you're<br />
President of our school.<br />
But you can't just<br />
dig up the Smurfs' land!<br />
Fuck the Smurfs!<br />
They can suck my fat tits.<br />
How many Smurfberries<br />
is enough, Wendy?<br />
You can suck<br />
my fat tits too.<br />
Smurfette, no!<br />
Suck my fat tits!<br />
And so now our school<br />
has plenty of precious,<br />
unobtainable Smurfberries.<br />
Yeah.<br />
Well, big deal.<br />
At what cost did our<br />
school president get it?<br />
Every Smurf is dead.<br />
Wiped out and we will<br />
never see them again.<br />
Go on, look outside.<br />
You won't see any Smurfs.<br />
Of course,<br />
since I'm being silenced<br />
I'm not allowed time to<br />
show you the entire movie.<br />
And so please buy "Dances With Smurfs"<br />
available now on DVD.<br />
The question now is<br />
what happened to morals?<br />
What happened to dignity?<br />
What happened to my school?<br />
That does it!<br />
Our student council is corrupt<br />
and has to be dealt with!<br />
I can no longer<br />
stand idly by.<br />
We need to get all the kids<br />
together who want to fight back<br />
and tell them<br />
to meet after school!<br />
We will forever<br />
remember this day,<br />
the day we finally stood up<br />
to Wendy Testaburger!<br />
It is time for that<br />
slutty Smurf-killing bitch<br />
to get what's<br />
coming to her.<br />
I don't know<br />
about all of you,<br />
but I have had enough!<br />
We've been sitting back<br />
and watching<br />
as our school<br />
slowly goes<br />
into the toilet!<br />
But today, we do<br />
something about it!<br />
So let's march right on over<br />
to Wendy's house,<br />
and do what we<br />
know needs to be done!<br />
Let us not forget<br />
what happens this day!<br />
Do it!<br />
We are here,<br />
Wendy Testaburger!<br />
- Take that, School President!<br />
- Get her good!<br />
I am.<br />
Hey!<br />
What are you doing?<br />
The students want answers!<br />
Go on the morning announcements<br />
if you've got nothing to hide!<br />
- What the hell?<br />
- Whoa!<br />
Smurf killer!<br />
Answer for your crimes on<br />
the morning announcements!<br />
Wendy, did a boy<br />
just pee on our door<br />
because the Smurfs were<br />
murdered?<br />
It's okay, Dad.<br />
I'll take care of it.<br />
Thank you so much for finally<br />
coming on my show, Wendy.<br />
Yeah. Well, Butters<br />
peed on my house.<br />
People are riled up.<br />
Hopefully, we can clear the air<br />
here this morning.<br />
If we could just keep it to<br />
questions about student council.<br />
Of course.<br />
That's why we're here.<br />
Five seconds.<br />
Don't worry.<br />
I won't go<br />
too hard on ya.<br />
Good morning,<br />
South Park Elementary.<br />
These are the morning<br />
announcements.<br />
Rehearsals for the school play<br />
are canceled this afternoon.<br />
For lunch, the cafeteria will<br />
be serving meat loaf<br />
or veggie pasta.<br />
My guest today is the student body<br />
president of South Park Elementary,<br />
Wendy Testaburger.<br />
Wendy, thank you<br />
for coming on the show.<br />
Sure.<br />
Wendy, I want<br />
to start by asking<br />
a pretty straight-forward<br />
question<br />
and I hope you don't<br />
take offense to it.<br />
Okay.<br />
How many Smurfberries is<br />
the life of each Smurf worth?<br />
I don't... I...<br />
I have no idea what...<br />
You don't know<br />
how many Smurfberries<br />
the life of each<br />
Smurf is worth?<br />
Oh, he's got her now!<br />
<i>Would you agree that the school<br />
is in a crisis right now?<br />
<i>I believe<br />
there's a few things<br />
wrong with the school, but--<br />
If a Smurf dies and no one is<br />
around to hear it,<br />
does it still scream?<br />
She's speechless!<br />
<i>You are the president<br />
of the school.<br />
<i>Can you see why<br />
many students think<br />
<i>you're an<br />
ineffective slut?<br />
Are you denying that the Smurf<br />
Holocaust ever happened?<br />
Is that what<br />
you are suggesting?<br />
Look, Eric!<br />
You have to understand,<br />
the Smurfberries were our school<br />
government's only option!<br />
Yes, and that makes--<br />
Whoa, what?<br />
What was I suppose to do?<br />
The school was<br />
running out of power!<br />
We tried relocating<br />
the Smurfs at first,<br />
but they wouldn't budge.<br />
So we decided to get<br />
somebody on the inside.<br />
A member of the school who could<br />
act like one of the Smurfs<br />
and learn their secrets.<br />
But of course, you know that,<br />
don't you?<br />
What--What do you mean<br />
I know that?<br />
I'm just asking<br />
the question.<br />
We all knew you were sent in<br />
to live with the Smurfs,<br />
but did you know<br />
they would be wiped out?<br />
No.<br />
You wiped them all out!<br />
Nobody expected you to fall<br />
in love with Smurfette!<br />
You went<br />
to learn from them<br />
but instead,<br />
you became one of them.<br />
Right?<br />
Fought against<br />
your own kind!<br />
When you knew<br />
we'd stop at nothing.<br />
Do you know that<br />
one Smurfberry<br />
can power the school<br />
for two months?<br />
One Smurfberry!<br />
Wait. Hold on.<br />
Can we take a break?<br />
No, it's okay.<br />
It's all out<br />
in the open now.<br />
<i>I wouldn't have had<br />
to kill the Smurfs<br />
<i>if they would have simply<br />
moved on,<br />
<i>but you gave them<br />
the will to stay.<br />
<i>And I guess, you can't<br />
be blamed for that.<br />
What?<br />
And that is why...<br />
I am stepping down.<br />
You were right all along,<br />
Cartman.<br />
And I am hereby making you<br />
the student body president.<br />
Alright!<br />
Cartman's President!<br />
We did it!<br />
I'm confused.<br />
Dude, you can't take my<br />
Dances With Smurfs idea,<br />
- and turn it into your own--<br />
- No, you're right.<br />
The students all deserve<br />
to know the truth.<br />
And so I have answered<br />
what really happened<br />
in my new book--<br />
Going Rogue on the Smurfs.<br />
No, no, dude.<br />
You don't just take<br />
one person's story<br />
and then add a couple things<br />
and call it yours!<br />
Luckily, with the money<br />
I made<br />
selling the movie rights to<br />
my book, I'll be okay.<br />
You sold the movie rights<br />
to who?<br />
James Cameron.<br />
Go look, the movie came out<br />
already!<br />
They--They can't do that!<br />
I'm student body president!<br />
Oh God dammit!<br />
Son-of-a-bitch-idea<br />
stealing assholes!<br />
You sons a bitches!<br />
Dances With Smurfs<br />
was my idea!<br />
My idea!<br />
You can't just take<br />
Dances With Smurfs<br />
and call it<br />
something else!<br />
Heh.<br />
Dude, what happened?<br />
You're not doing the morning<br />
announcements anymore?<br />
No, because it turns out<br />
that by rule,<br />
the student body president<br />
can't also be<br />
the morning<br />
announcement reader.<br />
Oh well.<br />
At least as President,<br />
you can run the school<br />
the way you want.<br />
I can't do jack!<br />
I went to my first student<br />
council meeting!<br />
All we did was talk about<br />
what colors to make<br />
the stupid<br />
Sadie Hawkins dance!<br />
Student council<br />
is retarded!<br />
<i>The sun is up and<br />
the birds are chirpin'.<br />
<i>I'm Casey Miller<br />
and these--<br />
<i>are the morning<br />
announcements.<br />
<i>I have a letter from<br />
second-grade student Brian Felner.<br />
<i>Brian writes,<br />
"Dear Casey,<br />
<i>why is our school president<br />
such a fat stupid dickhead?<br />
<i>My desk is broken,<br />
and so far,<br />
<i>Eric Cartman has done<br />
nothing about it.<br />
<i>Will you please let that<br />
walking bowl of anus pus<br />
<i>know that<br />
we are not happy."<br />
<i>Well, Brian,<br />
I couldn't agree more.<br />
<i>Our asshole president is a fat,<br />
smelly, douchebag milkshake--<br />
<i>I'm doing the best<br />
I can!<br />
Transcript: LeapinLar<br />
[OpenSubtitles.org]<br />
Sync and Edits: VeRdiKT<br />
[Subscene.com / Addic7ed.com]<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-14639748477808561462012-01-02T02:02:00.003-08:002012-01-02T02:02:36.053-08:00S13E12 The F Word<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Proudly<br />
Presents</font><br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Sync:<br />
YTET-ÌìÍâ·Éש</font><br />
I'm goin' down to south<br />
park gonna have myself a time<br />
friendly faces everywhere<br />
humble folks without temptation<br />
goin' down to south park<br />
gonna leave my woes behind<br />
ample parking day or night<br />
people spouting howdy neighbor<br />
heading on up to south park<br />
gonna see if I can't unwind<br />
Come on down to south<br />
park and meet some friends of mine.<br />
<font color=#38B0DE>south<br />
park.s13e12</font><br />
Isn't this great,you guys?<br />
Gettin' away from it all.<br />
Leaving all our cares behind.<br />
Yeah,and they said the weather's<br />
gonna be nice like this all day!<br />
This is exactly what I needed.<br />
Me too.<br />
not those guys again!<br />
God dammit,why is it that every<br />
time we try and have a relaxing day<br />
a bunch of assholes on their<br />
harley motorcycles show up!<br />
God,shut up!<br />
Piss off you stupid assholes!<br />
Isn't this great food?<br />
You're so right about<br />
this place.It's wonderful!<br />
You know what's really<br />
interesting is that<br />
what's really interesting is that<br />
this place has a new owner,and they On<br />
this gorgeous day we bring these<br />
two together for the most important<br />
Everybody is checkin' us out.<br />
Yeah,they think we're pretty cool!<br />
We were definitely turnin'<br />
some heads out there!<br />
Yeah!<br />
I was pullin' back on that throttle,and<br />
everybody was like what is that?<br />
For sure!<br />
Hey hey nobody here is<br />
really paying attention to us.<br />
That's weird.<br />
Oh yeah,that's better.<br />
Alright.Let's head out!<br />
- Alright!<br />
- Yeah,let's hit the streets!<br />
Fire'em up!<br />
Excuse me!<br />
Excuse me!<br />
Hey assholes!<br />
You guys know that everyone<br />
thinks you're total fags,right?<br />
What did you say?<br />
You know when people like<br />
you drive down the streets<br />
with your unnecessarily loud<br />
motorcycles thinking you're all cool,<br />
everyone is actually laughing at<br />
you and calling you pathetic faggots.<br />
You do realize this,right?<br />
Hey man.We roll how we roll and if<br />
people are annoyed or intimidated by it,<br />
that's too bad for them!<br />
No,no,nobody is intimidated,actually.<br />
Everyone realizes that people<br />
who are so needy for attention,<br />
they need to dress up<br />
and be as loud as possible<br />
are you guys and sixteen year old girls.<br />
Just wanted to let you know you're Fags.<br />
That.<br />
that little boy just called us fags.<br />
Like he didn't think we were cool.<br />
But he's wrong!<br />
People don't think we're fags!Do they?<br />
Course he's wrong!<br />
And anyway,<br />
nobody except that little freak would<br />
ever say something like that to our faces!<br />
That's right!<br />
Come on.Let's roll!<br />
- Rev'em up!<br />
- Here ow go!<br />
us Just just ignore him!<br />
**<br />
God dammit,this is Up!<br />
What's wrong with kids today?<br />
It doesn't make any sense.<br />
They all called us fags.<br />
How can they call us<br />
fags?I mean,listen to this!<br />
I know.I know.<br />
Look,guys I think I know<br />
what the problem is here.<br />
- Really?<br />
- You do?<br />
- What?<br />
- Yeah,think about it guys!<br />
You see all the things kids have today?<br />
I mean,with their xboxes and<br />
surround sound entertainment systems.<br />
Kids today are surrounded by<br />
big loud stuff all the time.<br />
Hey that's right!<br />
That's all it is guys.<br />
We just need to get a<br />
little louder.That's all!<br />
Broflovski looks for kenny<br />
to get clear for the pass.<br />
But cartman just isn't<br />
letting up on him!<br />
Oh,what the hell.<br />
Chicken spears.Chicken<br />
spears.Chicken spears.<br />
Chicken spears.Chicken spears.<br />
God dammit,god dammit!<br />
Now we're turnin' some heads!<br />
Let's see them call us fags now!<br />
Alright.Thanks for coming,everyone.<br />
As you all know,the harley<br />
problem seems to be getting worse,<br />
and nobody is willing<br />
to do anything about it.<br />
- Yes.<br />
- Agreed.<br />
I have had it with those<br />
loud annoying ffffaggots.<br />
Now we have some ideas.We'd love to hear<br />
your ideas and I think that together we<br />
And I think that together we can come up<br />
with a way to get rid of<br />
these fags once and for all.<br />
- Sounds good.<br />
- Okay.****<br />
- **********<br />
- What are you guys talking about?<br />
- Harley's are neato!<br />
- What?<br />
I always thought someday when I<br />
grow up I'm gonna get a harley!<br />
Then people will have to notice me!<br />
And they'll have to<br />
deal with my For once!<br />
The open road!<br />
The wind in my face!<br />
I'll go from city to city!<br />
Everyone lookin' at me!<br />
Who's that guy?<br />
He must be a he must be tough!<br />
I'll have my girl on the back<br />
seat,holdin' on to my fat belly.<br />
Sure,she's missin' a few<br />
teeth,but she's thinks I'm cool!<br />
That's why when I grow up.<br />
I'm gonna be a harley rider.<br />
That makes perfect sense,butters.<br />
It does?<br />
Yes.Now get out of here.<br />
Okay.<br />
Alright.Kyle and I are going to spray<br />
paint messages to the harley riders.<br />
Cartman,you said you had an idea?<br />
I think what I'm going to do is find<br />
out wherever there bikes are and,<br />
uh,crap on their seats.<br />
- Oh,that's good.<br />
- Yeah,I think that'll be nice.<br />
But that's a lot of seats how<br />
are you going to pull that off?<br />
I think I just need two,maybe<br />
three buckets of kfc,extra crispy.<br />
Probably four cartons of gravy?<br />
Clyde can you take care of<br />
getting the kfc for cartman,<br />
kyle and I can get the spray paint cans.<br />
If we do this right,we'll be doing the<br />
town a huge favor so let's get to it!<br />
That was a good breakfast!<br />
I'm full!<br />
You guys smell that?<br />
It smells like that new<br />
'famous bowl' at kfc.<br />
Somebody took a On my Harley!<br />
What?<br />
Me too!I got All over my pants now!<br />
There's little flags stuck in the !<br />
You're fags.<br />
You gotta be kiddin' me!<br />
Come on!We'll find the<br />
bastards who did this!<br />
This can't be happening!<br />
Really nice work,guys.<br />
Yeah,I think maybe everything<br />
is gonna be okay now.<br />
So I said to the guy,you really<br />
think I'm paying that much?<br />
Oh,jesus christ.<br />
Oh my god.<br />
I thought we were past this.<br />
Students,I am here because<br />
of a very serious matter.<br />
This morning it was discovered that<br />
in several places all over town,<br />
somebody had spray painted<br />
the words 'fags get out.<br />
Many witnesses reported seeing<br />
children with spray paint.<br />
Now,if anybody knows anything about the<br />
kids who did this,you must come forward.<br />
That was us!<br />
- Excuse me?<br />
- Yeah,we did that.<br />
Why would you write something<br />
like that and be proud of it?<br />
cuz we want all those fags<br />
to get out of our town.<br />
Yeah,everyone hates those fags,right?<br />
- I hate fags!<br />
- I do<br />
Now just what the heck is going on here?<br />
That is not what we have<br />
taught you in this school.<br />
Kyle and stan,you've always<br />
been tolerant of gay people!<br />
- Gay people?<br />
- We aren't talking about gay people.<br />
You just admitted to spray painting<br />
that they should get out of town!<br />
Dude,why we would we want<br />
gay people to get out of town?<br />
Ohh,they think we meant gay fags.<br />
Hey,that's not very nice,mayor.<br />
Just because a person is<br />
gay doesn't mean he's a fag.<br />
What?<br />
You four boys in my office,now!<br />
******<br />
Faggot,often shortened to fag,<br />
has been used in the english<br />
language since the late 16th century.<br />
Its original meaning was<br />
an old or unpleasant woman.<br />
That certainly don't apply to us!<br />
Faggot later was defined<br />
as a bundle of sticks,<br />
and in the 19th century<br />
a 'faggot gatherer'<br />
was someone who made a meager<br />
living gathering firewood.<br />
Well,they certainly ain't callin'<br />
us fags cuz we gather sticks!<br />
There's got to be more to this!<br />
What's that part say there?<br />
Later,the term fag was defined as<br />
any awkward bundle to be carried,<br />
and was often used as an insult to the<br />
elderly,as in calling them 'baggage.<br />
Fag was used as an insult to<br />
women,then poor people,then old people?<br />
In the early 1900s,<br />
the word became a pejoritive term<br />
against homosexuals and transgender people<br />
in the united states.<br />
That word just keeps<br />
changing its meaning!<br />
What's it got to do with us?<br />
We are really trying to understand this.<br />
How is it that you boys think<br />
referring to gay people as 'fags'<br />
in today's world is acceptable?<br />
Because we're not<br />
referring to gay people.<br />
You can be gay and not be a fag.<br />
Yeah,a lot of fags aren't gay.<br />
I happen to be gay,boys.<br />
Do you think I'm a fag?<br />
Do you ride a big,loud harley<br />
and go up and down the streets<br />
ruining everyone's nice time?<br />
No.<br />
Then you're not a fag.<br />
So what if a guy is<br />
gay and rides a harley?<br />
Then he's a gay fag.<br />
I mean,is this really this hard?<br />
- I don't know.<br />
- This is Ridiculous.<br />
Alright.Look,you're<br />
driving in your car,okay?<br />
And you're waiting to make<br />
a left at a traffic signal.<br />
The light turns yellow.Should<br />
be your turn to go.<br />
But the traffic coming<br />
at you just keeps coming.<br />
And even when the light turns red,<br />
a guy in a bmw runs the red light<br />
so you can't make your left turn.<br />
What goes through your mind?<br />
Fag.<br />
Right.But you're not<br />
thinking 'oh he's homosexual',<br />
you're thinking 'oh he's an inconsiderate<br />
douche bag like a harley rider.<br />
This.this is making<br />
insanely good sense to me.<br />
Alright.How about this:<br />
What would you call a straight<br />
man who doesn't own a harley,<br />
but likes them and<br />
might buy one someday.<br />
You call him bike curious.<br />
- Bikecur<br />
- Bike curious!<br />
Don't you people keep up<br />
with today's lingo at all?<br />
Jesus Christ.<br />
Fellow homosexuals.<br />
I believe we have an opportunity here<br />
to take a big step forward for our kind.<br />
We must acknowledge that the words fag<br />
and faggot are never going to disappear.<br />
They are simply too much<br />
fun for everyone to say.<br />
But we must realize that we are no longer<br />
the most hated people on the planet.<br />
And help the children change<br />
the meaning of the word<br />
to describe those<br />
annoying,loud,faggot harley riders!<br />
Here,here!<br />
We should all be tolerant<br />
but not with these People.<br />
They really are faggots.<br />
Yes!Jesus yes!<br />
This is channel 4 evening news.<br />
A new movement in south park is<br />
bringing to question the word 'fag.<br />
' Gay groups are pointing out that<br />
the word no longer means to kids today,<br />
what it meant just a few years ago.<br />
And what's your name little boy?<br />
Martin.<br />
Alright,martin.Can you do me a favor?<br />
Could you point to the fag for me?<br />
Just point to which one is the fag.<br />
Alright.Now,could you just point<br />
to the fag for me,little girl?<br />
Which one is a faggot.<br />
Sparked by this realization,and<br />
persuaded by gay advocate groups,<br />
the mayor signed a new<br />
city ordinance today<br />
making the word fag officially refer<br />
to annoying,inconsiderate harley riders.<br />
How do you fags feel about<br />
the new city ordinance?<br />
What did you say?<br />
Just asking if you feel okay or<br />
displeased about the ordinance,fag.<br />
Hey,you know what?<br />
If you call me fag to my<br />
face one more time,you better<br />
I already did it twice.<br />
Well,I think that I think that you<br />
you probably you won't say it again.<br />
I bet I do.<br />
- Well,okay.<br />
- Fag.<br />
As more people in south<br />
park adapt to the new meaning<br />
Fags!<br />
More and more harley riders<br />
are deciding to ride elsewhere.<br />
Oh,yeah.Nice,kenny.<br />
Isn't this awesome,you guys?<br />
I haven't seen a harley<br />
for like three days!<br />
I know!It's like we have<br />
the outdoors back again!<br />
You four turdballs,in my office.Now!<br />
crap.<br />
You have gotten me in a lot of trouble!<br />
The fact of the matter is that fag<br />
is still defined in the dictionary<br />
as a pejorative term<br />
against homosexuals.<br />
And so you are still causing<br />
harm to gay people everywhere,<br />
whether you mean it differently or not.<br />
The town of south park and its mayor<br />
have once again shown themselves<br />
to be completely out of touch<br />
with the progressive world.<br />
She's gaining support<br />
all over the country!<br />
I should have never listened to you!<br />
We're sorry,mayor.<br />
Oh,that's nice.<br />
You made our entire town look<br />
like gaybashing redneck homophobes,<br />
but at least you're sorry!<br />
We can fix this!<br />
How?<br />
That lady said it's because fag still<br />
means homosexual in the dictionary.<br />
So we just have to convince the<br />
dictionary people to change the definition.<br />
Hey,yeah.<br />
Then people would be free to call<br />
harley riders fags all over the country!<br />
Now I don't know about you,but I<br />
think that town is starting a trend.<br />
And if we let them officially change<br />
the meaning of fag from gay people to us,<br />
then soon every town might!<br />
If we don't do anything we could end up<br />
If we don't do anything we could<br />
Hey,bartlett!<br />
Bartlett!<br />
I'm trying to talk ya,fag!<br />
Aw,see!Now they got us<br />
doing it to ourselves!<br />
We gotta put a stop to this now!<br />
So I say we ride into that<br />
town and kick some Ass!<br />
Excitement is in the air,<br />
as the citizens of south park amass<br />
to see if the word fag will officially<br />
be changed in the english dictionary.<br />
Four local boys will state their<br />
case to the head dictionary editor,<br />
and if they succeed fag will officially<br />
refer to harley riders nationwide.<br />
You can do it,boys!<br />
We believe in you!<br />
And tom,it looks as though the<br />
dictionary officials have arrived!<br />
Entering the scene now are the<br />
keepers of the current dictionary<br />
and of course the dictionary's<br />
head editor mr.Emmanuel lewewis.<br />
Emmanuel lewis,huh?<br />
Oh,it all makes sense now.<br />
To change the definition of<br />
a word is no trifling thing!<br />
I expect this proposal,for changing<br />
the definition of the word fag,<br />
to be both discerning and undisputable.<br />
Come on boys,you can do it!<br />
Look out!There's a bunch<br />
of pissed off faggots!<br />
There's fags everywhere!<br />
We gotta run!<br />
What nefariousness is this?<br />
You obdurate beasts!<br />
Now do you think we're fags?!<br />
Yes!Yes,sir,you are total fags!<br />
yeah!You definitely made your point.<br />
No!We rolled in,kicked<br />
ass and took Over.<br />
Is that what a fag does?!<br />
Yeah,yeah,that's<br />
totally what a fag does!<br />
No!You're supposed to<br />
think we're not fags now!<br />
But then why are you acting like<br />
such fags?I don't understand!<br />
I don't either.<br />
That's because you<br />
guys never understood!<br />
You fellers never got what<br />
these people are really about!<br />
Freedom!<br />
Rebellion against the system!<br />
A living image of independence!<br />
Solid,defiant and supremely cool,<br />
the biker is an allamerican icon of<br />
resilient individuality and freedom!<br />
Who is this little fag?<br />
I'm not a fag yet,sir,but<br />
i am bike curious.<br />
That's it!Let's kill'em all!<br />
No,that'll just make you bigger fags!<br />
No one is killing anyone!<br />
We've had enough.<br />
You faggots get the<br />
hell out of our town.<br />
Alright,everyone.<br />
Alright!<br />
We are fags!<br />
Yeah,we're fags.<br />
We're total fags.<br />
And you know what?<br />
We like it!<br />
Yeah,we like bein' fags!<br />
So go ahead,america.<br />
Whenever you pass by<br />
harley riders like us,<br />
roll down your window<br />
and yell 'faggots'!<br />
All you kids out there,when you see<br />
us,walk up to us and say 'hello,fags!<br />
No,really.<br />
We want you to.<br />
At least we're cool enough<br />
to embrace who we are.<br />
Right,guys?<br />
- That's right!<br />
- You got it!<br />
Come on fags,let's roll out!<br />
And that,mr.Editor,is why they<br />
are the true definition of fags.<br />
Let there be no perplexity,<br />
those individuals are<br />
the legitimate faggots!<br />
The definition shall be replaced!<br />
- We did it!<br />
- *******<br />
It's over!It's finally over!<br />
Today,we've made history.<br />
Fag(fag) n.l. An extremely annoying,inconsiderate person most commonly<br />
associated with Harley riders.2.A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley.<br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Proudly<br />
Presents</font><br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Sync:<br />
YTET-ÌìÍâ·Éש</font><br />
<font color=#38B0DE>south<br />
park.s13e12</font><br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-25432071015197959642012-01-02T02:02:00.001-08:002012-01-02T02:02:11.688-08:00S13E11 Whale Whores<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
I'm goin' down to south<br />
park gonna have myself a time<br />
friendly faces everywhere<br />
humble folks without temptation<br />
goin' down to south park<br />
gonna leave my woes behind<br />
ample parking day or night<br />
people spouting howdy neighbor<br />
heading on up to south park<br />
gonna see if I can't unwind<br />
Come on down to south park<br />
and meet some friends of mine<br />
<font color=#38B0DE>south<br />
parks13e11</font><br />
Alright,everyone.<br />
Welcome to the dolphin encounter<br />
here at the denver aquarium!<br />
My name is chad and I'll be your guide<br />
and trainer as you meet these intelligent,<br />
and t truly magical creatures.<br />
And here they come.This<br />
is trigger and dolly.<br />
And there's bubbles.<br />
Wow,cool!<br />
Pretty neat birthday,huh stan?<br />
Yeah,this is gonna be awesome!<br />
If they come near you,you<br />
can touch their backs.<br />
Just no grabbing,please.<br />
What whimsical creatures,aren't they?<br />
All the dolphins you will be encountering<br />
today are atlantic bottlenose dolphins.<br />
Now who'd like to get a kiss from one?<br />
- I would like to<br />
- Oh,me,me,me.<br />
I wanna kiss it!<br />
I wanna kiss it!<br />
Uh,alright.Let's just get<br />
you to put your hands,<br />
palms down on the water.<br />
What the hell is that?<br />
Oh no!It's the japanese!<br />
*****You dolphin!<br />
*****You dolphin!<br />
These are our favorite<br />
animals here at the atlanta zoo.<br />
It's dolly and seamore.<br />
They are beluga whales.<br />
These whales live mostly<br />
in the arctic region.<br />
Alright,jessica.<br />
Now put your arms out like this.<br />
Great job,jessica!<br />
****You wha-ruuuuu!<br />
Hey pal.<br />
Sorry your birthday got a<br />
little ruined by the japanese.<br />
Dad,why did they do that?<br />
Well stan,the japanese just<br />
don't really like dolphins very much.<br />
Certainly not as much<br />
as us normal people do.<br />
But hey,at least you<br />
still got your t-shirt!<br />
And you'll always have<br />
your neat picture!<br />
my new friend!<br />
Dan dierdorf here welcoming you<br />
to this great football matchup<br />
between the kansas city<br />
chiefs and the miami dolphins.<br />
We're all set for kick-off and<br />
Uh dan,it looks like some japanese<br />
people are now rushing onto the field.<br />
This is not the kind of thing you<br />
want happening during kickoff.<br />
****You dolphin!<br />
Several whales and dolphins were again<br />
slaughtered by the japanese today.<br />
This time at the six flags<br />
discovery kingdom near san francisco.<br />
Aquariums had been experimenting with<br />
methods to keep the japanese out,<br />
but so far nothing seems to stop them.<br />
When asked if all of japan supported<br />
the slaughtering of whales and dolphins,<br />
the current prime minister of<br />
japan,yukio hatoyama had this to say.<br />
You way-ruuuu!<br />
And You dolphin!<br />
Can't read my,can't read my<br />
no,he can't read my poker face<br />
she's got to love nobody<br />
can't read my,can't ready my<br />
no,he can't read my poker face<br />
she's got to love nobody<br />
p-p-p-poker<br />
face<br />
p-p-p-poker<br />
face<br />
p-p-p-poker<br />
face<br />
- You guys,you guys!<br />
- p-p-p-poker face<br />
Look,I really think it's<br />
time for us to do something.<br />
This is all getting way out of hand.<br />
What do you mean? This song is sweet.<br />
No,not the song.I'm talking about the<br />
japanese killing whales and dolphins.<br />
Dude,they've been doing<br />
that for a long time.<br />
So?Dude,don't you guys care?<br />
We have to do something!<br />
What are we going to do,stan?<br />
It's not like we can change the<br />
way an entire country thinks.<br />
I don't like it,but it's<br />
just the way they are.<br />
It seems like everyone<br />
has an attitude of<br />
'that's just the way they are'<br />
and 'that's just the way it is.<br />
'Nobody likes it but everyone's<br />
too busy to do anything about it.<br />
- I'm not too busy stan.<br />
- You're not?<br />
- No.I just don't care at all.<br />
- Yeah,me neither.<br />
Kenny?You don't care about whales<br />
and dolphins being slaughtered?!<br />
Stan,me and kenny don't give two<br />
shits about stupid ass Whales.<br />
You know,when all the whales and<br />
dolphins in the world are gone<br />
people are going to wish that at some<br />
point they had taken the time to care<br />
just a little god dammit!<br />
I wanna roll with him<br />
a hard pair we will be<br />
I don't give a crap bout<br />
whales so go and hug a tree<br />
Hey,stan!<br />
I heard you're looking for people who care<br />
about the japanese slaughtering whales!<br />
Yeah!Butters,you wanna help?!<br />
No,no,no,no.I got stuff to do.<br />
But I wanted to tell<br />
you,there's these fellers on tv.<br />
They go out in the ocean and try to<br />
stop the japanese wherever they are!<br />
Really?People who are doing something?!<br />
I watch their show all the time.<br />
And they take volunteers!<br />
Then that's where I belong.<br />
The world is a vampire<br />
Yeah,we are bad ass.<br />
Any means necessary.<br />
We're not protesters.<br />
We're pirates.<br />
WHALE WARS<br />
That's definitely a japanese boat!<br />
Looks like they're whaling now!<br />
****You whale!<br />
Oh my god,they're gonna<br />
kill those humpbacks!<br />
We gotta do something!<br />
Pull up next to them!<br />
The fight is on!<br />
Sweet!<br />
- Are we ready to do this?<br />
- Yeah!<br />
Yeah!Hell yeah!Let's do it!<br />
Are we bad asses?!<br />
Yeah!<br />
Are we bad asses?<br />
Yeah!<br />
Alright.So.<br />
what do we do?<br />
Wait.I know!<br />
How about we go on their ship<br />
and then beat ourselves up!<br />
And then we can tell<br />
the media they did it!<br />
Great idea,captain!<br />
I'll start right now!<br />
Oh my god.Luke's been hurt<br />
trying to save whales!<br />
Wait,wait,wait!I've got a better idea!<br />
How about I pretend to be shot!<br />
Then we can tell the<br />
media the japanese shot me<br />
and it'll start a international crisis!<br />
Wul,wait.We don't wanna<br />
just lie about stuff.<br />
Why not?<br />
Because then we're just douche<br />
bags,dude.C'mon,they're right here.<br />
Let's get hardcore!<br />
You know what?He's right!<br />
It's time to bring out the big guns.<br />
You guys ready?Ready?<br />
And.throw the stinky butter at them!<br />
you stink now.<br />
- Wait that's it?<br />
- Yeah,we make'em stink!<br />
Ha-ha,your boat is stinky!<br />
Here,throw one!<br />
Those guys always covered<br />
in dolphin and whale guts!<br />
They don't care if they stink!<br />
C'mon lets break their boat!<br />
Wul,no,that'd be illegal.<br />
Yeah.<br />
I thought you guys<br />
were pirates in a war!<br />
I'm a pirate in a war!<br />
Pirates don't worry about the law.<br />
You guys said you were bad ass!<br />
We are!People think our<br />
methods are extreme,<br />
but we'll keep making their boat stink as<br />
long as they are killing whales and dolphins!<br />
The japanese are scared<br />
of how hardcore we are!<br />
Paul!<br />
- Paul?<br />
- What do we do?<br />
- We don't have a captain!<br />
- Oh,my god!Oh,my god!<br />
Maybe he's okay.<br />
UTILITY<br />
Oh my god!<br />
What did you do?<br />
What you Acted like you were doing.<br />
WHALE WARS GETS BETTER<br />
Things Actually Happen Now!<br />
I want to hold them like<br />
they do in texas play<br />
a little gamble and it's fun<br />
when you're with me********<br />
russian roulette is not<br />
the same without a gun<br />
baby,when it's not love,it isn't fun<br />
New Captain Not a fat<br />
liar like the old one<br />
I'll get him hot,<br />
show him what I've got<br />
WHALE WARS NEW CAST Member<br />
I'll get him hot<br />
show him what I got<br />
Wait for it.<br />
wait for it.<br />
Now!<br />
she get me like nobody<br />
LITTLE BOY SINKS ANOTHER JAPANESE BOAT!<br />
Inpo no gaijin!<br />
Kuso 0 taberu na!<br />
And now larry king,live!<br />
My guest tonight is the little boy who<br />
took over the whale wars reality show<br />
and turned it into a big hit.<br />
Please welcome,stan marsh and his crew.<br />
Hey jordon!I'm on larry king,mate!<br />
So stan,what motivated you,<br />
what inspired you to get out<br />
there and make a hit tv show?<br />
No,I -I don't really<br />
care about the tv show.<br />
I'm just trying to stop the japanese<br />
from killing dolphins and whales.<br />
Once you became captain<br />
the methods used<br />
to stop the japanese definitely<br />
became more aggressive.<br />
Was that the key to<br />
helping boost your ratings?<br />
No,I don't care about the show.<br />
We're pirates!<br />
I just want people to know<br />
that you can stop the japanese<br />
if you have some real Balls.<br />
I've got balls!<br />
Well,there are many people who see<br />
what you're doing as a positive thing,<br />
and of course many that<br />
see problems with it.<br />
Joining us now is one of those people,<br />
and you say stan's<br />
methods are unethical.<br />
Larry,you can't just go out and take<br />
matters into your own hands like this.<br />
If you want a hit tv show you have<br />
to go through producers,directors,<br />
people that are in the unions.<br />
But sid,you saw the show<br />
before stan took it over.<br />
You have to admit that it was nothing<br />
but incompetent vegan<br />
Doing absolutely nothing<br />
and trying to turn it into drama.<br />
Yes,but it doesn't justify<br />
changing the entire show structure that<br />
their old captain had pitched to the network.<br />
Could we just talk about the<br />
actual whaling problem for a second?<br />
But their old captain,paul<br />
watson,was an unorganized,<br />
incompetent media whore who<br />
thought lying to everyone was okay<br />
as long as it served his cause.<br />
Yes,of course everyone knows<br />
that paul watson was a smug,<br />
- narcololeptic liar with no credibility but<br />
- Screw this.<br />
I gotta get back to work.<br />
On this episode of<br />
real actual whale wars.<br />
captain marsh searches<br />
for the japanese fleet,<br />
knowing they could<br />
be absolutely anywhere.<br />
Would you mind stepping back a little?<br />
Captain!Captain,some new volunteers<br />
showed up to help us in our crusade.<br />
No,dude,we really can't<br />
take any more volunteers.<br />
But they say you know them.<br />
Alright,dude.This is pretty sweet.<br />
- Oh,no.No,no!<br />
- What,dude?<br />
Oh what,so now that I have a hit tv show<br />
you guys care about dolphins and whales?<br />
We always have.<br />
Yeah,totally!<br />
I asked you guys to<br />
help me and you said no.<br />
That's not what we said.<br />
You said 'stan,me and kenny don't<br />
give two -about stupid ass whales'.<br />
We were talking about<br />
wales the country.<br />
Look,if you admit that you are only<br />
doing this because you want to be on tv,<br />
then I'll consider it.<br />
Admit you just want to be on tv.<br />
I just want to be on tv.<br />
Kenny,<br />
I deserve to be on tv.<br />
Captain!<br />
Captain the japanese have<br />
been spotted near buoy 24!<br />
Takes us out of port!All<br />
hands to stations.<br />
Alright.Let's go save<br />
those whales,you guys!<br />
Captain marsh races his boat to the last<br />
known location of the japanese whalers.<br />
If he doesn't get there in time,hundreds<br />
of dolphins or whales could die.<br />
As soon as we get there we gotta be<br />
ready to deploy the tracking devices!<br />
We can't let those whales get hurt!<br />
What the hell is that?<br />
We just got rammed.<br />
The japanese want to play that way,huh?<br />
It's not the japanese.<br />
What?<br />
On deck,the crew is<br />
surprised at what they saw.<br />
The other boat is from deadliest catch.<br />
A crab fishing reality show.<br />
You think you're so cool,don't you?<br />
You think you're a big boat<br />
reality show on the block?<br />
Take it away men's livelihoods.<br />
what?We're trying to save whales.<br />
***************<br />
You're show is gay,maN.<br />
Your show is Gay.<br />
Screw this.Turn to port.<br />
But everywhere his<br />
reality show boat turns,<br />
the crab fishing reality<br />
show blockses its path.<br />
Dude,You.<br />
You.<br />
It's been three hours and the crab<br />
fishing reality show isn't budging.<br />
Captain marsh's boat<br />
is dead in the water.<br />
Can't go after the japanese,can't<br />
help the whales or dolphins.<br />
Once again on whale<br />
wars,nothing is happening.<br />
It's pretty typical time<br />
because we know that<br />
every minute we're sitting here<br />
stopped,another whale is dying.<br />
Really tough.It's really hard.<br />
It's like we've dedicated all our times<br />
and our lives to saving these creatures.<br />
*******<br />
Oh,he's taking it especially hard.<br />
He loved dolphins so much,********<br />
he *********** would do anything.<br />
Anything, anything<br />
Crab fishing reality show is doing fine.<br />
But for the whale wars crew,it<br />
appears the show is over.<br />
Until a sound is heard.<br />
What was that?<br />
Captain,look!<br />
The whales are taking out the<br />
crab fishermen reality show.<br />
It's like they know.<br />
They do know.<br />
They know everything I've<br />
been trying to do for them.<br />
Our********* friends of<br />
the sea have saved the day.<br />
Because they know that only we<br />
can save them from the japanese.<br />
Bonsai!<br />
Jesus christ!<br />
We got to get somebody<br />
to shoot them with.<br />
Look out!<br />
I I can't believe it.<br />
Dude,you know what?<br />
Japanese people really<br />
do not like whales.<br />
Well,I'm in japanese prison lord.<br />
Japanese prison got me down.<br />
Said I'm in japanese prison lawwwd,<br />
don't belong here.My eyes are round.<br />
Will you stop that?<br />
Oh,I'm sorry.Am I making things<br />
uncomfortable for you,stan?<br />
It's your fault me and<br />
kenny are in the mess!<br />
Things are bad enough<br />
without you being a smart ass!<br />
There's whales out there<br />
being slaughtered right now<br />
and I can't do anything<br />
about it!So just keep quiet.<br />
You don't have a tv<br />
show anymore,captain,<br />
so you can suck my<br />
japanese imprisoned balls.<br />
I'm in a japanese prison lawd,<br />
japanese balls got me<br />
Kite kure!Akihito sama irashaimasu!<br />
So you are the ones who has<br />
been a sinking our boats!<br />
You speak english.<br />
You have caused us many problems!<br />
Set us back many months!<br />
Sir,we actually don't give two<br />
-about you killing whales.Can we go?<br />
Yeah,can we go?<br />
Why have you done this?<br />
Why do you insist on making<br />
trouble for the japanese?<br />
Why do you do what you do?<br />
You know that 98% of the<br />
world is against whaling?<br />
Why can't you just stop?<br />
You think you have the<br />
right to tell us what is ok?<br />
I have something to show you.<br />
This is hiroshima.<br />
Over 50 years ago,this entire<br />
city was destroyed by nuclear bomb.<br />
We built this museum so that<br />
we never forget what happened.<br />
What?Dude.<br />
At 8:15 am,the people of hiroshima<br />
were just minding their own business,<br />
when out of nowhere,a<br />
flash devastated them all.<br />
Women,children,who died in<br />
the flash simply evaporated.<br />
Those left alive,suffered<br />
the worst pain of all.<br />
Burns,radiation poisoning.<br />
For generations the radiation<br />
affected the victims.<br />
Japanese babies born without limbs.<br />
Without eyes!<br />
Sorry.<br />
Little gassy.'Scuse me.<br />
140,000 japanese were kill by atom bomb.<br />
We have never recovered<br />
from the memory of that day.<br />
It is impossible for a nation to<br />
ever forgive an act so horrible.<br />
This picture shows the<br />
plane that dropped the bomb.<br />
It was called the enola gay.<br />
And it was flown by the monsters<br />
who dropped the bomb that day.<br />
Dolphin!<br />
And whale!<br />
where did you get that picture.<br />
The americans were nice enough to give<br />
it to us the day after the bombing.<br />
We were so thankful for the picture,<br />
that the next day we<br />
ended our war with america.<br />
We will never forgive.<br />
Never rest until they<br />
are all wiped out.<br />
****You.<br />
****You dolphin and whale!<br />
So that's what this has all been about.<br />
Dude,it actually wasn't a dolphin<br />
and a whale who bombed hiroshima,<br />
it was the<br />
Dude,they won't rest until whoever is<br />
responsible is completely wiped out.<br />
Right.<br />
Look,I -I think I can<br />
make everything ok here.<br />
Can I just use a phone?<br />
- Hello.<br />
- Stan?<br />
Dude,are you sitting at your computer?<br />
I need you to do something for me.<br />
Mr.Prime minister,japanese officials.<br />
there's something you need to know.<br />
The photo you were given of<br />
the enola gay was doctored.<br />
Because the real bombers feared<br />
retaliation so badly that<br />
they simply pointed the<br />
finger at somebody else.<br />
My government has authorized me to<br />
give you the original photo,unaltered,<br />
so you can finally know the truth.<br />
Dolphins and whales were just<br />
framed by the real bombers.<br />
A chicken and a cow.<br />
Chicken and a cow?<br />
Chicken and a cow?<br />
Chicken and cow used poor<br />
dolphin and whale as scapegoat?<br />
This is outrage!<br />
****You,cow!<br />
****You chicken!<br />
****You chicken!<br />
Great job,son.<br />
Now the japanese are normal,like us.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-24773482251117209662012-01-02T02:01:00.003-08:002012-01-02T02:01:44.676-08:00S13E10 W.T.F.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS SHOW-- EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE--ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL.ALL CELEBRITY BOICES ARE<br />
IMPERSONATED....POORLY.THE FOLLOWING FROGRAM CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE<br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Proudly<br />
Presents</font><br />
* I'm goin' down to south park<br />
gonna have myself a time *<br />
* friendly faces everywhere *<br />
* humble folks without temptation *<br />
* goin' down to south park<br />
gonna leave my woes behind *<br />
{\a6}* ample parking day or night<br />
people spouting howdy neighbor *<br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Sync:<br />
YTET-ÌìÃâ·Éש</font><br />
heading on up to south park gonna see if I can't<br />
unwind <font color=#38B0DE>south park S13E10</font><br />
Come on down to south park<br />
and meet some friends of mine<br />
*****************<br />
You think you're e better than me?<br />
Cena!Your mouth has gotten you<br />
into trouble for the last time!<br />
I'm gonna shut it up for you!<br />
Mess him up edge!<br />
Kick his ass!****<br />
Oh yeah?I got somethin'<br />
else to tell you,edge!<br />
I slept with vanessa last night!<br />
Cena slept with edge's girlfriend!<br />
Oh my god,dude.This is awesome!!<br />
I am having the best time!!!<br />
You cheated and took my belt from me!<br />
And now I can't hardly<br />
get work wrestling!<br />
You took my girl and you took myjob!<br />
He took his job!<br />
He took his jer Terkiederrrr!<br />
Oh sweet!<br />
- awesome!<br />
- *****<br />
Dude,that was so badass!<br />
Wrestling is awesome!<br />
This is it you guys!We know<br />
what are calling in lifeis now!<br />
Tomorrow we are signing<br />
up for wrestling class!<br />
- Alright!<br />
- Sweet!<br />
The Is this?<br />
Why did they have us<br />
put on long underwear?<br />
Wul,I guess in wrestling we're supposed to<br />
make your own outfit and then wear it over this.<br />
Yeah that makes sense.<br />
Alright.So did everyone settle<br />
on their wrestling names?<br />
I did!I'm the rad russian!<br />
I come from russia to crush<br />
yourpuny capitalist head!<br />
Alright boys!<br />
I'm really glad to see we have some new recruits<br />
interested in the fine sport of wrastling!<br />
Cool!Let's do this!<br />
Now,the first things we are gonna learn<br />
today are the fundamental wrastling holds.<br />
Let's get some volunteers.<br />
Why don't you come over here,young man.<br />
What's your name?<br />
- The rad russian.<br />
- What?<br />
You capitalist swine!I crush you!<br />
Uh,okay.<br />
Just go ahead and get<br />
on your hands and knees.<br />
Just down on the floor.<br />
Hands and knees.<br />
Okay.<br />
Alright.And now how about you?<br />
Your name is?<br />
Triceratops!<br />
Uh,alright.<br />
Come on over here.I'm gonna position you<br />
into the official wrastling starting position.<br />
Here we go.<br />
The Is this?<br />
Now just reach around him.here.good.<br />
Dude.dude!Dude!<br />
The Are you doing?<br />
Get back on the floor.I'm teaching<br />
you the starting position of wrastling!<br />
That's not wrestling dude.That's Gay!<br />
Yeah.What you,a child molester?<br />
Where's all the cool costumesand<br />
jumping off ropes and stuff?<br />
not this again.<br />
Let me guess,you just went to that<br />
stupid wwe show in denver last night!<br />
The wwe is not wrastling!<br />
That's a bunch of fake bullcrap!<br />
How stupid are you?<br />
Real wrastling,boys,is this.<br />
Well this is Lame,dude.<br />
Let's get the hell out of here guys.<br />
Yeah,this guy probably wantsto<br />
take pictures of us naked.<br />
I got half a mind to reportreport<br />
you to the police,sir!<br />
The wrestling takedown federation<br />
has several matches planned today!<br />
Alright.So here's how<br />
we'll do this,guys.<br />
I'll come out to the ring first and then jimmy<br />
you come in and tell me you're gonna kick my ass.<br />
Then I'm gonna say you slept with my<br />
girlfriend,and I'll charge you and do a headslap.<br />
Sounds good.Then butters you<br />
come in as the ref all like<br />
no,no,the fight hasn't started yet,<br />
and that's when jimmy sneaks up frombehind and<br />
hits me over the headwith the foldaway chair.<br />
- Okiedoke!<br />
- So is that when I tell you your girlfriend is a whore?<br />
No.Let's save the<br />
girlfriend is a whore line<br />
until after stan headbutts butters<br />
for trying to stop the fight again.<br />
Boy wrestling sure is fun!<br />
Alright.We ready to try this guys?<br />
- Yup.<br />
- Alright.<br />
Let's start wrestling.<br />
I'm gonna kick your ass!<br />
You slept with my girlfriend,hammerclaw!<br />
Hey!No!<br />
No,the fight hasn't started yet,<br />
no!Bad!<br />
Hey!Slept with my girlfriend,referee!<br />
In my country we don't<br />
wait for a bell mister<br />
Your girlfriend is a whore<br />
- Wait for it,wait for the whore line.<br />
- Oh,right.Sorry<br />
You're gonna get it now,hammerclaw!<br />
- We'll see about that!<br />
- Now hold on!<br />
I am stopping the fight!<br />
What's going on?<br />
Apparently that crippled kid slept<br />
with that russian kid's girlfriend!<br />
Geez.They're so young!<br />
I'll kill you triceratops!<br />
You made fun of my crippled mother!<br />
That's because your mother<br />
betrayed my mother,juggernaut!<br />
You don't come to this<br />
country and make fun of it!<br />
And just what do you care<br />
about your pitiful country?<br />
I served my country!<br />
I fought for two years in vietnam!<br />
That kid was in nam?<br />
Man,that's incredible.<br />
Good for you fer servin' yer country!<br />
Guys,check this out!<br />
There's this little kid from<br />
thecongo who was raised by panthers!<br />
Are you serious?<br />
Just admit it,congo!<br />
Admit that you lied about me to irene!<br />
I admit nothing!<br />
Maybe irene lied to you!<br />
That kid in the hat is havingsex<br />
with two different girls?<br />
Naw,that little kid from thecongo<br />
lied about one of them to try<br />
and get the kid in the hat<br />
in trouble with his wife.<br />
They're married?<br />
You will have to forfeit<br />
thisfight,rad russian!<br />
You cannot fight until<br />
your testresults come back!<br />
I might have to wait<br />
for my hepatitis test,<br />
but in the meantime I have brought my<br />
comrade from mexico to wrestle against you!<br />
That russian kid's got hepatitis?<br />
Here he comes now!<br />
The cold blooded wrestler from mexico.<br />
El pollo loco!<br />
What are you doing here,el pollo loco?!<br />
Your girlfriend doesn't<br />
even like you,stan the man.<br />
She likes me!<br />
You have no idea what<br />
you're saying,juggernaut!<br />
Irene loves me and<br />
I'm going to marry her!<br />
If she wants to be with you,<br />
how about you have her<br />
tell all these people here?<br />
Here some comes now!<br />
It's bad irene!<br />
Let me tell you somethin',let<br />
me tell you somethin'.<br />
It's true I love stan<br />
the man with all my heart.<br />
- But I want to be with juggernautnow.<br />
- What?<br />
No!No way!<br />
Naw what are ya doin?<br />
Stan the man loves you!<br />
Don't break his heart!<br />
If you love juggernaut,irene,<br />
then tell him what<br />
you did two years ago!<br />
How you killed his child!<br />
It's true.I was pregnant with<br />
your child and I aborted it.<br />
Irene,no!<br />
Why?<br />
Do you know what it's like tohave<br />
an abortion at seven years old?<br />
Do you?<br />
I've had so many abortions.<br />
I just got addicted to them.<br />
Woa,did you hear that?<br />
Irene!You said you loved me!<br />
I'm not in love with you.I'm in love<br />
with abortions,don't you understand?<br />
I'm telling you guys,you<br />
have got to see this.<br />
These kids ain't more<br />
than eightor nine years old<br />
and they got more problems<br />
than you can imagine.<br />
There's this one kid,<br />
he saw his father get murdered.<br />
And yesterday he finds the killer<br />
and it's this other kid who's an excop<br />
needless to say,he whooped his ass good.<br />
Yup.And there's this little girl.<br />
She's actually addicted<br />
to gettin' abortions.<br />
Got pregnant by nearly every boythere.<br />
You're me.<br />
No we're tellin' you<br />
these kids are Crazy.<br />
You gotta check it out.<br />
You can watch'em almost everyafternoon.<br />
It's some of the greatest<br />
wrestlin' we ever seen.<br />
It isn't real.<br />
Don't you people understand?<br />
That stuff isn't real.<br />
None of it!<br />
How stupid are you?<br />
What'ch you mean it ain't real?<br />
It's all made up.Fiction.<br />
Real wrestling is a serious<br />
and respectable sport.<br />
Why can't you people understand that<br />
that kind of wrestling isn't real?<br />
Mister,<br />
there's a little girlout there who's had<br />
14 abortionsand she ain't even 10 yet.<br />
But I guess that's just not realto you.<br />
Son a bitch.<br />
Look!Look!Look!<br />
This is wrestling this!<br />
Mister,you better take your gay<br />
porn and walk right outta this bar.<br />
Holy crap,dude.There's<br />
a huge turnout tonight!<br />
Good thing we made those<br />
changes to the seating.<br />
Alright.You guys let's bring it in.<br />
I think we've really done a great<br />
job and let's just keep the energy up,<br />
*** **** have a good flow<br />
and have fun out there.**?<br />
Yeah!<br />
Let's do this!<br />
One,two Backyard wrestling!<br />
Oh,what a perfect night for fighting!<br />
Lo,the moon sets upon the<br />
tips of the trees and I,<br />
the man known as the rad russian,<br />
start to stir with the<br />
excitement of violence.<br />
Only a country like yours canbreed<br />
men of such discontent,rad russian!<br />
But you don't know<br />
what real pain is.Pain.<br />
Like I've known.<br />
Abandoned when I was four<br />
years old by my parents.<br />
Left to die in a cold<br />
and dark sewage tunnel.<br />
Geez,I didn't know his parents did that<br />
I am very sorry,<br />
but I'm afraid we have to terminate<br />
youremployment here at south park elementary.<br />
You're firing me?Why?<br />
The school board has decided to<br />
discontinue the wrestling program.<br />
Wrestling simply involves<br />
too much adult subject matter.<br />
Like murder and abortion.<br />
No!This isn't wrastling!<br />
This isn't wraaastling!<br />
Principal victoria,just let me stay on and<br />
I can teach kids what real wrestling is!<br />
I'm sorry.The board<br />
has made up their minds.<br />
You can't fire me for<br />
what these kids do!<br />
That isn't the only<br />
reason you're being let go.<br />
What do you mean?<br />
We...found all the gay porn<br />
on your iphone,mr.Conners.<br />
So I'm thinking we do the part about jimmy's<br />
relationship with his alcoholic father<br />
after you smash butters onto the table.<br />
Oh,sure that works.<br />
You guys!You guys listen to this!<br />
- It's amazing!<br />
- What,dude?!<br />
We just received a letter from the wwe.<br />
From the professional<br />
wrestlers we saw in denver?!<br />
No way!<br />
Gentlemen,we have heard of<br />
your wrestling organization<br />
and are quite interested<br />
in its popularity.<br />
The wwe is delighted to inform you<br />
that it will be sending a talent scout,<br />
president vince mcmahon,<br />
to view your wrestling<br />
event this saturday,the 24th!<br />
Vince mcmahon is coming to see us?<br />
This is our shot at<br />
making itinto the wwe,<br />
to be real wrestlers!<br />
- Oh my god!Oh my god oh my god!<br />
- We could become pro wrestlers.<br />
I am completely freaking<br />
ouuuttt.<br />
Ok,guys!Guys listen!<br />
We seriously have to focus here.<br />
We have exactly three days before<br />
the scout is here to see us wrestle.<br />
We've got to step it up and<br />
workit like never before!<br />
Alright.It's time to<br />
start the second act.<br />
Let's bring the crowd<br />
back from intermission,<br />
and then improvisesome<br />
stuff for saturday!<br />
Yeah,no,I think congo<br />
is a great wrestler.<br />
I just think rad russian has hisnumber.<br />
Yeah,but rad russian has a<br />
lot of abandonment issues.<br />
Oh,looks like intermission<br />
is over we better head back.<br />
I left my wife today.<br />
Walked out of the apartment<br />
without saying a word.<br />
I ran away from my responsibilities,<br />
just I like always do.<br />
And I,again,<br />
am alone.<br />
Here he is!Hiding in<br />
the forest as I told you!<br />
Juggernaut!There is to be an<br />
ultimate smackdown this saturday!<br />
Are you going to run from that as well!<br />
I'll fight anytime anywhere!<br />
He don't run from fights,just<br />
from responsibilities.<br />
What do I do?<br />
Juggernaut is my long lost brother,<br />
and yet congo saved my life in nam!<br />
It's el pollo loco!<br />
El pollo loooco!<br />
Thanks for coming,guys.<br />
I'm sure you're wondering why<br />
I've calleled you to sizzler.<br />
Yeah.What's this about we should<br />
writing our monologues for smackdown.<br />
Well guys,kenny and I have been talking<br />
Yeah,we've been talking.<br />
And,I mean,smackdown might be our one<br />
shot at making it into the wwe,right?<br />
A shot like this might never come again.<br />
- Yeah.<br />
- Well,the way we see it,<br />
we have three primary obstacles<br />
in making smackdown a great show.<br />
- ************<br />
- Yup.<br />
What are you talking about?<br />
Guys,let's face it.They<br />
can't wrestle for crap.<br />
I mean,every time I wrestle with<br />
one of them they flub a line,<br />
or blow their monologue.<br />
And token,he has no emotion,notiming.<br />
He's the worst wrestler I've ever seen.<br />
He's right.<br />
What?Dude,it's really hard to do your best<br />
wrestling when you're up against token.Right?<br />
And butters and jimmy,I<br />
mean,they're okay,<br />
but they're never gonna make<br />
it as professional wrestlers.<br />
Well,so then wwe will<br />
recruit us and not them.<br />
No dude,they're gonna hurt our chances!<br />
They're gonna hurt our chances!<br />
Because we all know<br />
that withall the new material I've<br />
written is stuff those guys can't handle,<br />
and we'll suffer from it.<br />
So what do we do?<br />
We gotta bring somebody else on.<br />
Yup.We gotta bring somebody else on<br />
who can handle the more difficult roles<br />
that we wrestle against<br />
instead of those guys.<br />
Somebody who can do the harder<br />
stuff we've written so that token,<br />
butters and jimmy can<br />
have smaller parts.<br />
How do we find somebody<br />
who can wrestle that well?<br />
It's simple.We just gotta hold tryouts.<br />
Number 17 step forward please.<br />
You're wrestling a muslim immigrant.<br />
You suspect he could be a terrorist and<br />
your parents died in the 9/11 attacks.<br />
Go.<br />
You dirty,muslim bastard!<br />
I don't trust you!<br />
And I never will!<br />
Do you know how it feels<br />
to loseyour parents.<br />
No,you wouldn't,you smelly<br />
brown middle eastern piece of<br />
Thank you.Number 24.<br />
You're wrestling for the right<br />
to marry mackenzie phillips<br />
but just learned that she<br />
had sex with her father.<br />
Go.<br />
Your father?<br />
Your own father?<br />
I don't care if you were<br />
on drugs your sick whore!<br />
Thank you.<br />
That guy's a pretty good wrestler.<br />
Yeah,yeah not bad.<br />
Let's see.Can we get number<br />
37 to step forward again?<br />
Just want to get to know<br />
you alla little better.<br />
What can you tell us about yourself?<br />
Not a whole lot to tell really.<br />
Was born in fort collins.<br />
Started watching wrestling<br />
when I was four years old.<br />
My father.<br />
he liked it too.<br />
until he died.<br />
sometimes I think it's because<br />
of him I follow this dream.<br />
All my life,all I ever<br />
wanted was to be a wrestler.<br />
Fighting in the ring,winning that belt.<br />
And so I dreamed every night<br />
that I was the undertaker,<br />
smashing skulls in,breaking arms.<br />
Damn dude,that is<br />
some bad ass wrestling.<br />
Yeah,this guy crushes.<br />
It isn't fair.<br />
All my hard work.<br />
I'm not going to take it anymore.<br />
That wrestling show is<br />
in for a big surprise.<br />
I'm putting an end to<br />
this once and for all.<br />
He's here!<br />
Vince mcmahon is here!<br />
Wow,it's really him!<br />
He's here.Oh my god,oh my god Oh my god,<br />
oh my god,oh my god.<br />
Alright.Places everyone!<br />
Welcome to this performance of<br />
wrestling takedown federation,smackdown.<br />
Juggernaut?Juggernaut.<br />
Hey,what's going on?<br />
You know what's going on.<br />
It's smackdown tonight.<br />
Which means we might<br />
haveve to fight each other.<br />
You shouldn't be fighting anybody.<br />
What about your cancer?<br />
********Who was that?<br />
It's triceratops.*********<br />
**********<br />
- *********<br />
- ********<br />
- You know what you have to do for the good of real wrestling.<br />
- ***********<br />
No,irene,*********<br />
******do not abort this baby.<br />
My body,my right.<br />
***********<br />
I don't think I'll<br />
make to it the clinic.<br />
No,you can't possibly mean that YeS.<br />
I think maybe I'll have another<br />
abortion right here,right now.<br />
No!<br />
There's someone here<br />
to wrestle you,irene.<br />
A baby you aborted<br />
many years ago survived.<br />
He's here now.<br />
*********<br />
Why did you abort me?Why?<br />
************<br />
You,<br />
get back in the trash<br />
condition where you belong.<br />
What do you think?<br />
They are descent wrestling.<br />
We'll check out the second act.<br />
*************<br />
**********<br />
Excuse me.<br />
I'm sorry,I'm afraid<br />
this area is off limits.<br />
Oh,don't mind me.<br />
I was just about to<br />
What the is this?<br />
Oh,how i long for the springmeadows.<br />
*********<br />
********<br />
*******<br />
*********<br />
*************<br />
Now,you listen here,el pollo loco.<br />
**********<br />
************<br />
*********Crawl back<br />
to mexico,hammerclaw.<br />
Only one shot.<br />
Maximum damage.<br />
This is all your fault,you<br />
wwe president.******<br />
*******<br />
**********<br />
No!<br />
***********<br />
****************<br />
No,no.Shut up!<br />
You idiots want wrestling?<br />
This is wrestling.<br />
We want some real wrestlers.<br />
This is ***********garbage.<br />
You're ruining the<br />
good name of wrestling.<br />
Wrestling is from ancient greasegreece.<br />
It's in the olympics.<br />
What the heck you care?<br />
Get off the mat.*******<br />
Why do i care?<br />
These kids made it so real<br />
wrestling is gone from schools.<br />
********<br />
***********<br />
- They took his job.<br />
- I know.<br />
You want to know pain?<br />
Pain is dedicating your<br />
entire life to a sport,<br />
to a career andhaving it ripped away<br />
from you like a baby from its mother.<br />
Oh,man,they took his job.<br />
They took his job.<br />
Lost everything.<br />
Couldn't even afford to pay<br />
for my little retriever anymore.<br />
Animal control came and got him.<br />
They took his dog!<br />
They took his der!<br />
They took his der!<br />
I ended up on the streets stealing.<br />
Got bust bid the police and<br />
had to spend the night in jail.<br />
Then the inmates beat me<br />
up and fractured my jaw.<br />
They broke his jaw!<br />
They broke his jaw!<br />
You see,I have nothing left.<br />
Nothing!<br />
Not even the will to live.<br />
That was one of the finest wrestling<br />
performances i haveever seen.<br />
What?Will you not join<br />
our wrestling organization?<br />
I promise to make you our leading act.<br />
You mean it?<br />
Come.I want to get you<br />
in rehearsals right away.<br />
What,dude?<br />
Hey,what about us?<br />
Our show?<br />
Sorry.boys,You are descent wrestles,<br />
but lack the raw wrestling<br />
talent this man haS.<br />
This is all your fault,kyle.<br />
You screwed up the second act.<br />
Me?It was you.******<br />
Face it,his singing sunk us.<br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Proudly<br />
Presents</font><br />
<font color=#38B0DE>-=http://bbs.sfileydy.com=-Sync:<br />
YTET-ÌìÃâ·Éש</font><br />
What the hell is this?<br />
This is garbage.Screw<br />
this.This is stupid.<br />
Oh,don't start with me.******<br />
Bye!<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-52313807253234918722012-01-02T02:01:00.001-08:002012-01-02T02:01:13.768-08:00S13E09 Butters' Bottom Bitch<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Season 13 Episode 9<br />
"Butters' Bottom Bitch"<br />
All right, guys.<br />
Gather all around.<br />
Everyone should be a witness.<br />
You ready?<br />
Now say, "I'm a dork<br />
and I deserve what's coming to me."<br />
Come on, "I'm a dork<br />
and I deserve what's coming to me."<br />
I'm a dork and I deserve<br />
what's coming to me.<br />
Your turn, Craig.<br />
My underwear is so far up<br />
my butt crack, my legs are numb.<br />
That's what you get<br />
for being a douchebag.<br />
- You gotta take your medicine!<br />
- I guess I deserve it.<br />
Why are you picking on him<br />
this time?<br />
You are not going to believe this.<br />
You know what we just found out?<br />
It turns out that Butters,<br />
our Butters, has never kissed a girl.<br />
- So what?<br />
- So what?<br />
I'm almost nine years old<br />
and anyone who hasn't kissed a girl<br />
by fourth grade is a dork.<br />
That's right.<br />
We got it!<br />
We got it.<br />
Sally Darson is selling kisses for $5.<br />
Selling kisses?<br />
She is behind the temp building<br />
during afternoon recess.<br />
She'll kiss any boy.<br />
You mean<br />
I'm gonna kiss a girl today?<br />
When she sticks her tongue out,<br />
you just kind of lick it with yours.<br />
Oh, boy. I sure am nervous.<br />
Nothing to be nervous about.<br />
You're finally going to become a man.<br />
- I think you should reconsider this.<br />
- How come?<br />
You don't want your first kiss<br />
to be something you paid for.<br />
It must be special.<br />
Why don't you go sit under a rainbow<br />
and write a poem, Kyle.<br />
I gotta do this.<br />
I gotta know what it feels like.<br />
Oh, boy. Oh, jeez.<br />
Stay calm, Butters.<br />
How was it?<br />
Pretty worth it.<br />
Go ahead, Butters.<br />
Go get some.<br />
I'm going.<br />
I was hoping<br />
maybe I could get a kiss.<br />
Okay, cool.<br />
Yeah, cool.<br />
So you got money?<br />
Money, right.<br />
There you go.<br />
A five dollar bill, all for you.<br />
All right.<br />
You ready?<br />
Thank you.<br />
Atta boy, Butters!<br />
You did it!<br />
- You're a man!<br />
- Nice job!<br />
<i>Boy, oh, boy.<br />
I finally did it.<br />
<i>I'm a man now.<br />
<i>Geez. I'm gonna start<br />
having lots of responsibilities soon.<br />
<i>I gotta start<br />
thinking about a career.<br />
<i>There's gonna be family and bills<br />
to start worrying about.<br />
<i>No more playtime for you, Butters.<br />
<i>You gotta buckle down<br />
and find yourself a way to make money.<br />
I know!<br />
Hey, fellers!<br />
Fellers, do you like getting kisses?<br />
Because I know a girl<br />
that'll give you a great kiss for $5.<br />
She'll kiss anybody?<br />
Sure, Scott.<br />
Even if you got diabetes.<br />
It's almost like<br />
having someone care about you.<br />
Thanks for bringing me<br />
yet another customer.<br />
- Here's your $2 cut again.<br />
- Boy, oh, boy! This sure is great!<br />
I been thinking.<br />
I could drum up<br />
some third grade customers<br />
if you could do kisses<br />
before school, too.<br />
- We could make double the money.<br />
- That'd be great!<br />
But I can't do kisses before school.<br />
I have swimming class.<br />
Nuts!<br />
Well, I did have another idea.<br />
What if we got another girl<br />
to fill in for you sometimes?<br />
- What?<br />
- You know.<br />
We bring someone on,<br />
show her what to do,<br />
and then share our money together.<br />
You're right, Butters.<br />
I should start expanding.<br />
We could have<br />
our very own kissing company.<br />
The next key<br />
to a successful business is innovation.<br />
Maybe we need to understand<br />
that some boys simply can't afford<br />
the $5 for a kiss.<br />
So what if we start<br />
also charging just $2 for a hug.<br />
- That's a great idea, Butters.<br />
- Thanks!<br />
Sally, your position behind<br />
the temp building at recess is perfect.<br />
Meagan, I'm moving you<br />
to the baseball field after school<br />
- during little league practice.<br />
- Got it.<br />
I got a kissing booth at the kid's fair,<br />
Kayla and Ashley, you take turns there.<br />
Any girl that sells<br />
more than twenty kisses gets...<br />
a little sunshine.<br />
But if you don't show up for work,<br />
I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud.<br />
This is gonna be great!<br />
Sir, take a look at this.<br />
We've got rumors coming in<br />
of a possible prostitution company<br />
starting up in South Park.<br />
What?<br />
Not in my county!<br />
We've got no information,<br />
don't who they are,<br />
or where they came from.<br />
So then we need<br />
to go after the Johns.<br />
Let the men of this town<br />
know that if they pay for sex,<br />
they're going to jail.<br />
Sting operation, sir?<br />
We need an undercover cop<br />
disguised as a prostitute<br />
so we can arrest any citizens<br />
looking for cheap thrills.<br />
Baby, you looking for a party?<br />
- How much are you charging?<br />
- 20 for oral, 50 for half and half.<br />
Anal will cost you extra.<br />
Get in.<br />
Right here's good, sexy.<br />
Now if you wouldn't mind<br />
handing over the $20<br />
for oral sex.<br />
All right, buddy.<br />
Go ahead and unbutton your pants.<br />
All right.<br />
Here we go.<br />
Oh, man...<br />
- Sorry I was so quick.<br />
- That's okay. Nothing wrong with...<br />
Freeze!<br />
You're busted, buddy.<br />
I'm a cop!<br />
- What?<br />
- This is a sting operation, scum bag.<br />
You'll go to jail<br />
for soliciting prostitution.<br />
Got our first one.<br />
I'm bringing him in for booking.<br />
Did you hear what's going on?<br />
There's four girls at the school now<br />
offering to kiss boys for money.<br />
I heard that.<br />
Even Stacey Anderson is selling kisses.<br />
Hey, fellas!<br />
Would anybody like a coupon?<br />
We are offering two for one kisses<br />
today through Thursday.<br />
You're the one doing all this?<br />
I am founder and head CEO<br />
of the Butter's kissing company.<br />
Just look at this.<br />
You made all that money<br />
off of chicks?<br />
It's the most genius idea<br />
I ever came up with.<br />
A lot of boys<br />
will pay to kiss my employees.<br />
You didn't think of anything.<br />
Guys have been doing that for years.<br />
You're nothing but a common pimp!<br />
A pimp?<br />
Kyle was right, Sally!<br />
There's kissing companies<br />
all over the country.<br />
"The person managing<br />
all the women is known as the pimp."<br />
"While the working women<br />
are referred to as<br />
ho or bitch."<br />
You're a bitch, Sally!<br />
Look at this!<br />
There's about to be<br />
a big pimp convention.<br />
I gotta get to that convention.<br />
I could learn all kinds a stuff.<br />
Hi, there!<br />
My name is Butters.<br />
This sure is a nice convention, huh?<br />
I'm just starting out.<br />
I really came last minute.<br />
Because I was hoping to learn more<br />
about being a successful pimp.<br />
You?<br />
You be pimping?<br />
Just about a week now.<br />
I have four girls at the moment,<br />
but I feel like<br />
I could be doing a better job.<br />
Now see, you think you a pimp,<br />
but you can't be pimping.<br />
You wanna be a pimp,<br />
then you gotta learn the game.<br />
It's all about knowing the game.<br />
What's the game?<br />
The game is how you treat the bitches.<br />
Bitch gotta know when she out there,<br />
she making your motherfucking money,<br />
know what I'm saying?<br />
You got your main bitch.<br />
That be your bottom bitch.<br />
That bitch rank higher<br />
than all the other bitches,<br />
but she still a bitch,<br />
know what I'm saying?<br />
I know what you are saying.<br />
You don't have to keep asking.<br />
See, it's all about mind control.<br />
You got to act the part.<br />
Any man can control a bitch's heart,<br />
but a pimp gotta control a bitch's mind,<br />
know what I'm saying?<br />
I know what you're saying.<br />
Pimp gotta be out there everyday<br />
keeping his bitches in line.<br />
Can't let em go shopping,<br />
spending their money on stupid shit.<br />
Bitch got to think that's your money,<br />
know what I'm saying?<br />
I believe I know<br />
what you are saying!<br />
- There you are, Butters.<br />
- Hey, dad!<br />
Butters, we heard a rumor that...<br />
you might have a little girlfriend.<br />
Sally Darson?<br />
I got lots of girlfriends.<br />
Sally is just my bottom bitch!<br />
Do you know what I am saying?<br />
I've got to tell you,<br />
I don't do<br />
this kind of thing very often.<br />
You're sure you're not a cop, right?<br />
No way!<br />
Let's just get to this, baby.<br />
All right.<br />
<i>You are agreeing to have sex with me<br />
<i>for $100, correct?<br />
<i>Sure.<br />
I have the money.<br />
Remember he's going to give us<br />
the code word to move in.<br />
Wait for the code word "Stretch".<br />
Code word is "Stretch".<br />
Copy.<br />
- Get those pants down.<br />
- You feel good.<br />
You're a nasty little fucker.<br />
Let me see that hot penis of yours.<br />
Nice.<br />
I'm ready when you are.<br />
- That's great.<br />
- You like it?<br />
- I love it!<br />
- You're a dirty fucker.<br />
<i>Come on, harder!<br />
Deeper!<br />
<i>Teach me a lesson, daddy!<br />
<i>Teach this little whore a lesson!<br />
<i>Yeah, that's right!<br />
Oh, man!<br />
Thank you.<br />
That was great.<br />
You've really worked it, daddy.<br />
You really gave<br />
my little hole quite a...<br />
stretch!<br />
That's it.<br />
Move in!<br />
Oh, God!<br />
It's the police!<br />
Freeze!<br />
You are under arrest<br />
for soliciting prostitution!<br />
- Book him, boys!<br />
- Please!<br />
Please, don't do this.<br />
I have a wife and kids!<br />
A wife and kids.<br />
And you're out here<br />
trolling the streets for prostitutes?<br />
You make me sick.<br />
Take him downtown, boys.<br />
I'm going back on the street.<br />
That's it!<br />
Recess is over, back to class!<br />
Boy, oh, boy.<br />
Really great work bitches!<br />
You all sold lots of kisses today!<br />
Except for you Meagan.<br />
I'm afraid you get<br />
a stormy cloud sticker today.<br />
So wait.<br />
You're keeping all the money now?<br />
I just hold on to all the money.<br />
Bitches can't be trusted with it.<br />
We pool all<br />
the kissing money together, see?<br />
If you want to buy anything,<br />
just talk to the bottom bitch,<br />
and then<br />
the bottom bitch talks to me.<br />
See you after school,<br />
do you know what I am saying?<br />
Children I want you all<br />
to copy down these math problems,<br />
and solve them before recess.<br />
What?<br />
Bitch, you wanna make<br />
some motherfucking money?<br />
What?<br />
You should be<br />
doing kisses on the playground.<br />
You can make fifty bucks a day.<br />
Buy all the stuff you've ever wanted.<br />
I'll treat you right, bitch.<br />
Shut up!<br />
All right, then.<br />
Don't you wanna start<br />
making some real fucking money?<br />
- Leave me alone.<br />
- You were made for the playground.<br />
You should be working.<br />
Don't you want a new lunchbox?<br />
Nice new coat?<br />
I can get all that for you, bitch.<br />
Butters!<br />
Dude!<br />
- What?<br />
- You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!<br />
I'm just saying<br />
the bitch should be working.<br />
What you doing,<br />
giving kisses to Stan for free?<br />
You should be making<br />
some motherfucking money.<br />
If you don't stop this,<br />
I'll kick your ass.<br />
Clyde, here's a hundred bucks.<br />
If Stan comes near me, punch him.<br />
We've created a monster.<br />
You should be putting<br />
that mouth to work.<br />
Butters?<br />
Do you have a problem?<br />
All these bitches<br />
are kissing fellers<br />
and they haven't figured out<br />
they can make some serious money.<br />
Really glad<br />
you joined the company, Annie!<br />
Now remember, you're charging<br />
$5 for a kiss, two for a hug,<br />
and six for half and half.<br />
All right, bitch?<br />
All right, how about a freebie?<br />
- Butters, we should talk.<br />
- Sure, Kyle!<br />
Can't you see this is wrong?<br />
You've got little boys<br />
spending all<br />
their lunch money on kisses.<br />
Boys shouldn't be paying for kisses.<br />
It's wrong.<br />
Kyle, every boy pays for kisses.<br />
Do you know what I am saying?<br />
If you got a girl, and she kisses you,<br />
sooner or later you're paying for it.<br />
You gotta take her out to lunch,<br />
take her to a movie<br />
and listen<br />
to all her stupid problems.<br />
Look at Stan.<br />
He's gotta listen to her stupid problems<br />
because she kisses him.<br />
You ask me, that's a lot more<br />
than the $5 my company charges.<br />
- Butters, what's happened to you?<br />
- What happened is I became a man.<br />
I'm sorry I'm not<br />
your little buddy anymore.<br />
There's a time<br />
people have to grow up!<br />
Do you know what I am saying?<br />
Alpha Tau Omega!<br />
ATOs!<br />
All right, ATOs!<br />
Our little Kevin is 21 today!<br />
And so Kevin,<br />
we would like<br />
to welcome you to manhood,<br />
our gift to you.<br />
Give it to me!<br />
Come on, you sissies.<br />
I can fit more of you!<br />
You like your stripper whore?<br />
You like her?<br />
Freeze!<br />
Take them all to the station.<br />
For oral and anal sex<br />
with a prostitute.<br />
Half of them didn't even use<br />
a condom!<br />
Don't you stupid kids know<br />
the diseases you can catch?<br />
Hand me that evidence bag!<br />
Sir, some of us are wondering<br />
if maybe you're not...<br />
taking this role a bit far.<br />
What?<br />
No way.<br />
Nothing is more important than keeping<br />
prostitution out of our community!<br />
Hold on, that's my daddy.<br />
- Hey, daddy.<br />
- Where you at, bitch?<br />
I need my bottom bitch right now.<br />
Yes, daddy, I'm on my way.<br />
I made you my bottom bitch,<br />
now you gotta take care of your pimp,<br />
know what I'm saying?<br />
Be right there.<br />
Sorry, guys.<br />
My daddy needs me right now.<br />
Damn, bitch.<br />
Your pimp beat your ass again?<br />
He's an asshole.<br />
I heard a rumor<br />
about a new pimp up in Park County.<br />
They say he's real respectful.<br />
Lots a girls<br />
are switching over to him.<br />
A pimp that respects his hos?<br />
Sign my ass up.<br />
And that's $3,000 today for Sharise!<br />
- Did I do good, daddy?<br />
- Really great work, bitch.<br />
That is another<br />
sunshine sticker for you.<br />
Thank you, daddy!<br />
I would like to see<br />
if there are any housing loan<br />
opportunities for my employees,<br />
and also what corporate tax<br />
I should be filing under.<br />
And exactly what kind of business<br />
are you running?<br />
It's a kissing company!<br />
- And you're making a profit?<br />
- Sure.<br />
My black employee Sharise,<br />
one time she made $2,000<br />
on one customer!<br />
Can you believe it?<br />
$2,000 just to kiss a feller!<br />
She currently stays in a motel room.<br />
A lot of her customers see her late.<br />
You wouldn't believe the time of night<br />
some guys want a kiss.<br />
Do you keep any record<br />
of the men getting these "kisses"?<br />
Of course, my bottom bitch<br />
keeps a database of all our customers.<br />
Specially the VIPs,<br />
like senator Morris.<br />
- Senator Morris?<br />
- Sure!<br />
Senator Morris gets kisses<br />
every day at lunch time.<br />
You know where he likes<br />
to get kissed?<br />
- Where?<br />
- In a motel room.<br />
Darndest thing.<br />
He must get sleepy.<br />
All right.<br />
Get out of here!<br />
- Why?<br />
- I'm not falling for it!<br />
But I heard ACORN<br />
helps pimps and their bitches.<br />
We aren't giving you anything.<br />
Get out!<br />
Mrs. Davis, is there<br />
some kind of problem?<br />
- No, sir.<br />
- Mr. Daniels!<br />
You get kisses from my bitch Roxie<br />
in the ally behind Sizzler!<br />
Boy!<br />
How do you like that bitches!<br />
Approval for two housing loans<br />
and tax exempt status!<br />
File these away, Sally!<br />
Daddy, how come this ho<br />
get to be bottom bitch?<br />
- What?<br />
- I make the most money for you.<br />
That means if anyone<br />
should be bottom bitch, it's me.<br />
- Screw off, ho!<br />
- Fair is fair, ho!<br />
Well, well.<br />
Bitches! Bitches!<br />
Excuse me!<br />
This must be the organization<br />
I've been hearing so much about.<br />
It took me a long time to find you.<br />
You won't believe the hardships<br />
I've been through to track you down.<br />
My name is Yolanda.<br />
I'd like to know<br />
all about your operation here.<br />
You see, I just left my pimp recently<br />
and I'm looking for a new one.<br />
We operate at a 60/40 split here.<br />
Bitches have access to Medicare<br />
and now low income housing loans.<br />
I think that's about<br />
all I need to hear.<br />
What's that?<br />
Yolanda, please!<br />
You gotta come back to me!<br />
I got nothing without you!<br />
You gotta a lot of nerve<br />
coming here, Keshawn!<br />
After the way you treated me!<br />
I need a pimp that doesn't beat me<br />
every time he gets drunk!<br />
I love you!<br />
I need you.<br />
Not as my bottom bitch.<br />
I want...<br />
I want to marry you.<br />
It's too late for that, Keshawn!<br />
I just told this pimp<br />
I was his bitch now!<br />
Hold on, now!<br />
I'd never get in the way<br />
of somebody being happy.<br />
Us pimps gotta be good,<br />
even to each other.<br />
Thanks, pimp.<br />
You done changed the game,<br />
that's what you did.<br />
Marry me!<br />
We'll move to a little chateau<br />
in Switzerland, get away from all this!<br />
I love you so much.<br />
- Babe, I love you too.<br />
- So much, baby.<br />
Let's just be happy, okay?<br />
- Promise, baby?<br />
- Promise.<br />
Geez.<br />
Gals, could you all<br />
come gather around?<br />
Gather around, gals, take a knee.<br />
Gals, I'm afraid<br />
I can't do this anymore.<br />
I'm going to be leaving the company.<br />
I enjoyed being your pimp and all.<br />
It's just that...<br />
When I see real love,<br />
like what those two people have,<br />
it just makes me feel like...<br />
like a dick.<br />
I may be a man now,<br />
but it doesn't mean I have the right<br />
to be earning money for what girls do.<br />
Whether you charge fellers<br />
for kisses by cash<br />
or by making them listening<br />
to your stupid problems,<br />
that's your hard work.<br />
Bitches, this is your company now.<br />
So get out there<br />
and make yourself<br />
some motherfucking money!<br />
Happy anniversary, baby!<br />
- Do you like them?<br />
- I love them, darling.<br />
I wanted to get you something<br />
extra special.<br />
Hold on.<br />
I got something<br />
for you too, my love.<br />
I just put it over here by the...<br />
Freeze!<br />
You're busted, buddy.<br />
I'm cop!<br />
SouthParkNews.net (1.0)<br />
La Fabrique<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-42568994279280612782012-01-02T02:00:00.003-08:002012-01-02T02:00:33.736-08:00S13E08 Dead Celebrities<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Season 13 Episode 8<br />
"Dead Celebrities"<br />
You have been very, very naughty.<br />
You're a naughty girl.<br />
I've been so naughty.<br />
Jeez!<br />
What the...<br />
Get back to bed right now.<br />
I'm scared.<br />
There's a ghost.<br />
Not this again.<br />
We're sick of you<br />
talking about ghosts.<br />
- But, daddy...<br />
- No buts.<br />
Get back to your room<br />
and don't come out. You got it?<br />
Gerald, what has gotten into him?<br />
I don't know.<br />
Maybe with all the famous people<br />
dying this summer,<br />
he freaked himself out.<br />
<i>Billy Mays here<br />
for Mega Scrub cleanser.<br />
<i>Are you tired of your kitchen counters<br />
getting those nasty stains?<br />
<i>Don't just rub them, megascrub them.<br />
Billy Mays!<br />
<i>Mold, mildew,<br />
even those impossible wine stains<br />
<i>are gone in a flash<br />
when you snipe them away.<br />
Mommy!<br />
Farrah Fawcett!<br />
David Carradine!<br />
<i>Billy Mays here for Mighty MendIt.<br />
<i>The fast and easy way<br />
to mend, hem and wear it again.<br />
- Ike, what?<br />
- Make Billy Mays go away!<br />
Make Billy Mays go away.<br />
Make him stop.<br />
Make him stop, Kyle!<br />
Ike, your family<br />
is very worried about you.<br />
Ike, you can talk to me.<br />
I'm a therapist.<br />
Whatever has been troubling you,<br />
it's okay.<br />
It's a secret.<br />
Tell me your secret.<br />
I promise not to tell anyone else.<br />
I see dead celebrities.<br />
You mean you see<br />
dead celebrities on TV in the news?<br />
I see them walking around.<br />
They talk to me.<br />
Are you seeing<br />
any dead celebrities right now?<br />
Just Ed McMahon.<br />
How often do you see<br />
dead celebrities?<br />
All the time.<br />
Sup, Jew.<br />
Guys, Ike has gotten worse.<br />
I'm really worried about him.<br />
He's still seeing dead celebrities.<br />
What a dumb ass.<br />
I don't know. Last night,<br />
We found him in the kitchen pantry.<br />
He was screaming<br />
the name Billy Mays over and over.<br />
Billy Mays?<br />
You didn't tell us<br />
Ike was seeing Billy Mays.<br />
- What?<br />
- He saw the ghost of Billy Mays?<br />
I don't know who that is.<br />
The guy on TV who had<br />
incredible things for people buy.<br />
He died four months ago,<br />
but they still show him all the time.<br />
For the love of Christ.<br />
Here.<br />
Here.<br />
This is him.<br />
Billy Mays here<br />
with another fantastic product.<br />
If you're like other Americans,<br />
you love to eat Chipotle.<br />
But you hate all those blood stains<br />
in your underwear.<br />
I love Chipotle.<br />
But getting all the blood stains<br />
out of my underwear is a nightmare.<br />
Now there's a product<br />
that can clean blood stains<br />
caused by Chipotle<br />
off your underwear.<br />
Chipotlaway.<br />
Just one Chipotle burrito<br />
can leave up to a 1/4 cup of blood.<br />
But Chipotlaway makes your underwear<br />
clean and ready for more.<br />
Stop buying new underwear<br />
every time you eat Chipotle.<br />
That can cost you thousands.<br />
Chipotlaway gets rid of blood stains<br />
and leaves your underway good as new.<br />
Imagine having underwear so clean<br />
you can eat off of it.<br />
Chipotle.<br />
Now you can eat<br />
all the Chipotle you want<br />
and still have underway<br />
that sparkles and shines.<br />
Order right now!<br />
That product changed my life.<br />
It works.<br />
I use it all the time.<br />
- What? Are you serious?<br />
- Look, Kyle.<br />
If there's a chance<br />
he isn't at rest, I want to help.<br />
Why the hell would you do that?<br />
He was a great person.<br />
Why would you keep eating something<br />
that made you crap blood?<br />
Dude, have you had Chipotle?<br />
It's really good.<br />
We have to help Kyle's brother<br />
and get to the bottom of this.<br />
I know just who to call.<br />
<i>On this episode of Ghost Hunters,<br />
<i>a little boy in Colorado<br />
appears to be haunted by celebrities.<br />
<i>The Ghost Hunter team will roll out<br />
and get to the bottom of it.<br />
<i>It's the gayest show<br />
in the fucking world.<br />
<i>Ghost Hunters!<br />
All right.<br />
What we have this week, Chris?<br />
We're going to Colorado<br />
to investigate celebrity paranormal...<br />
Wait.<br />
What was that?<br />
I heard it too.<br />
It was like a...<br />
Is there a ghost here?<br />
All right.<br />
A little boy is seeing the ghost?<br />
Apparently only he is seeing them.<br />
What is that?<br />
Do you hear that?<br />
Look.<br />
What is that?<br />
I think that's a cigarette lighter.<br />
All right.<br />
Okay. Maybe.<br />
We're now inside the house<br />
where the ghosts have been spotted.<br />
- What was that?<br />
- What was what?<br />
Did you hear that?<br />
It was like a...<br />
Is there a spooky ghost here?<br />
Look. What is that?<br />
I'm pretty sure<br />
that's their television.<br />
Man, I'm really scared.<br />
What is this?<br />
There's a wetness<br />
coming from my pants!<br />
- I see it!<br />
- What is it?<br />
I'm so scared.<br />
- I'm so scared.<br />
- Look.<br />
It's got you, too!<br />
Make sure<br />
the camera is getting this.<br />
Definitely paranormal activity.<br />
It's a warm, moist.<br />
A warm, moist sensation<br />
that is moving down my left thigh.<br />
Look, it's starting to form<br />
a pool around the floor now.<br />
Are you getting this?<br />
Are you guys fucking serious?<br />
The paranormal activity<br />
is now leaving<br />
a trail of some kind<br />
behind both of us.<br />
Something hot and warm is coming out<br />
the back of my pants now.<br />
It smells!<br />
You see, Ike?<br />
There's nothing.<br />
There's nothing<br />
for you to be afraid of.<br />
<i>Billy Mays here<br />
for the Big City Slider Station.<br />
It's all in your head.<br />
<i>The fast and easy way<br />
to press and cook sliders.<br />
{\*CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL OF DENVER}<br />
I just don't understand it.<br />
It's going to be all right.<br />
But it doesn't make any sense.<br />
I mean, If you know it's going<br />
to make you crap blood,<br />
why wouldn't you at least<br />
just try eating less of it?<br />
That's what I'm saying.<br />
You have the Chipotlaway,<br />
so it doesn't matter.<br />
Of course, it matters.<br />
You should be concerned<br />
there's blood in your underwear.<br />
You understand this?<br />
I eat Chipotle all the time<br />
and never made me crap blood.<br />
How nice for you, Stan.<br />
You have a golden rectum of the gods,<br />
but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.<br />
Boys, little Ike is stable.<br />
But the celebrity ghosts have sent him<br />
into some kind of coma.<br />
Wait.<br />
There really are ghosts?<br />
Of course there are.<br />
<i>Haven't you seen<br />
that show Ghost Hunters?<br />
But I'm a pediatric doctor,<br />
so I'm going to<br />
and this off to Dr. Phillips,<br />
who specializes in spooky things.<br />
The ghost of the celebrities<br />
are in deep unrest.<br />
I've never sensed anything like it.<br />
I believe these celebrity ghosts<br />
are still roaming the world.<br />
Reaching out, through the child.<br />
They're lost in purgatory.<br />
Purgatory?<br />
What's that?<br />
Sometimes when people die,<br />
they can't accept<br />
what's happen to them.<br />
And so,<br />
before they reach the after life,<br />
they go to a place called<br />
purgatory.<br />
It is a temporary plane<br />
of existence.<br />
It's neither heaven nor hell.<br />
Purgatory is like,<br />
being on an airplane<br />
that is waiting to take off.<br />
But you're still sitting<br />
at the gate.<br />
And even though<br />
the plane isn't taking off,<br />
they won't let you<br />
back off the plane.<br />
And you can't get up<br />
to go to the bathroom.<br />
Because you're on an active runway.<br />
All these dead celebrities<br />
are sitting on that plane,<br />
waiting and wanting to move on.<br />
Bur for whatever reason,<br />
they are stuck,<br />
without any information,<br />
even from the pilot.<br />
How much longer it's going to be.<br />
And it's taking forever.<br />
They are not serving drinks yet.<br />
It's like a terrifying limbo.<br />
My God!<br />
Poor Billy Mays!<br />
I am speaking to the celebrities<br />
that are haunting this child.<br />
If any spirit can hear my voice,<br />
make your presence known.<br />
<i>Billy Mays here again<br />
with another fantastic product.<br />
Billy Mays, it's him!<br />
<i>Are you tired of having to put<br />
your toilet seat down?<br />
Yes, I am, Billy Mays.<br />
<i>Be quite, Billy Mays.<br />
Somebody is trying to contact us.<br />
To which celebrity<br />
am I addressing now?<br />
<i>This is Walter Cronkite.<br />
All you celebrities need to know<br />
that you have passed on.<br />
<i>- We know that.<br />
- Of course, we know that.<br />
<i>There's only one person here<br />
not cooperating.<br />
<i>That's right.<br />
Just admit you're dead and sit down.<br />
<i>That's ignorant.<br />
<i>I'm not dead.<br />
<i>You are dead!<br />
<i>I just have a skin condition.<br />
Boys quickly,<br />
convince Michael Jackson he's dead.<br />
- What?<br />
- He's in denial.<br />
He's been in denial all his life.<br />
Tel him or you're going to lose<br />
your little brother.<br />
Mr. Jackson, you aren't alive.<br />
You're in purgatory.<br />
<i>You being ignorant.<br />
I'm alive.<br />
<i>And I'm a child.<br />
<i>And I'm white.<br />
Mr. Jackson, please,<br />
you're causing a lot of problems.<br />
<i>Billy Mays here<br />
for the Super Sweeper.<br />
Shut up, Billy Mays!<br />
You're dead, Mr. Jackson.<br />
<i>- That's just ignorant.<br />
- Accept it!<br />
He's in too much denial.<br />
Wake up, buddy.<br />
You got to wake up!<br />
There you go.<br />
That's good!<br />
I thought I lost you,<br />
little brother.<br />
That's ignorant.<br />
Look, everyone.<br />
I told you I was alive.<br />
What are you doing<br />
inside my little brother?<br />
I'm a child.<br />
I knew I was a child, see?<br />
Come on, let's play.<br />
Let's go climb a tree.<br />
Come back here!<br />
Come on, let's climb the tree.<br />
Mr. Jackson, you can't do this.<br />
This is not your body.<br />
I'm a little white child.<br />
Let's play.<br />
Asshole, you're keeping<br />
a lot of celebrities in purgatory.<br />
Including the late<br />
and talented Billy Mays.<br />
It's ignorant!<br />
People lie<br />
and spread rumors about me.<br />
Like that I'm dead.<br />
How could I do this if I was dead?<br />
What are we going to do?<br />
Come on, this is ridiculous.<br />
How much longer<br />
do we have to sit in purgatory?<br />
- Come on!<br />
- This is ridiculous!<br />
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,<br />
we thank you for your patience.<br />
<i>I've been informed we are delayed<br />
<i>at least another 96 hours.<br />
You can't<br />
keep people stuck like this.<br />
<i>We know you want<br />
to cross over to the next plane<br />
<i>but for now, you have to stay.<br />
That's it!<br />
I have to go to the bathroom.<br />
<i>Stay in your seat<br />
with your seatbelt fasten.<br />
You've been saying that<br />
for three months now.<br />
Let's see.<br />
Demonic ghosts, animal ghosts.<br />
Setting traps for ghosts.<br />
Here's the one part<br />
that really makes no sense.<br />
The first time you saw<br />
blood stains on your underwear,<br />
were you alarmed?<br />
Was I alarmed?<br />
- I believe I was.<br />
- So why do you just ignore it<br />
using something<br />
as stupid as Chipotle away?<br />
Chipotlaway.<br />
I'm not the one who uses it.<br />
My mom does.<br />
She does the laundry.<br />
Your mom uses Chipotlaway<br />
to clean blood stains<br />
out of your underwear?<br />
And then takes you to Chipotle<br />
and buys you more?<br />
Yes. It's totally normal.<br />
People do this stuff, you know.<br />
Not every one can be the boy<br />
with the golden butt hole.<br />
Here it is.<br />
"Possession by a ghost".<br />
"A ghost that enters<br />
and refuses to leave a living host<br />
because it failed in the living world<br />
to be what it wanted to be."<br />
"The ghost must be allowed<br />
to transform and be recognized<br />
by the living<br />
as what it always tried to be."<br />
What did Michael Jackson<br />
always try to be?<br />
A child.<br />
And a female.<br />
- And white.<br />
- Look, a planet.<br />
He wants to finally be accepted<br />
by the living as a little white girl.<br />
What are we going to do?<br />
Dress him up in a princess gown<br />
and parade him like the parents<br />
of those child pageants?<br />
{\*LYNCHBURG WELCOMES<br />
THE TINY MISS PAGEANT!}<br />
First up, we have the beautiful<br />
Miss Jessica.<br />
All right, Jessica.<br />
Jessica enjoys<br />
riding her horse Marley<br />
and doing her nails<br />
with her sisters.<br />
Next, contestant number 26,<br />
Miss Brandy.<br />
Brandy, work it, girl.<br />
Brandy likes ice cream<br />
and playing with her cat, Sunshine.<br />
Don't forget to blow a kiss<br />
to the judges, Brandy.<br />
And now welcome<br />
contestant number 27,<br />
little Miss Michael Jackson.<br />
- All right, Michael!<br />
- Work it!<br />
Michael says<br />
she just enjoys being a child.<br />
She loves to play and climb trees<br />
and thinks people who don't<br />
are ignorant.<br />
Ignorant.<br />
God, I hope this works.<br />
Billy Mays here<br />
for the little Country Handy Pillow.<br />
Are you tired of sitting in limbo?<br />
Lost somewhere<br />
between planes of existence?<br />
Now there is a product...<br />
Will somebody<br />
shut his fucking mouth?<br />
I can't take it anymore.<br />
It's bad enough<br />
without having to listen to you<br />
try and sell your stupid crap.<br />
With two easy steps,<br />
I can climb over these seats<br />
and kick you in the fucking balls.<br />
That does it<br />
We won't just sit here anymore.<br />
We want answers.<br />
Why isn't anybody<br />
telling us anything?<br />
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,<br />
this is your captain speaking.<br />
It's about fucking time.<br />
<i>Certainly want to thank you<br />
for all your patience.<br />
<i>We know that you're eager to...<br />
<i>get going and we will certainly pass<br />
on any information...<br />
<i>as it becomes...<br />
<i>more available.<br />
Michael Jackson isn't here anymore.<br />
He's gone.<br />
We should move on now.<br />
<i>But as we all know,<br />
Mr. Jackson had a lot of baggage.<br />
<i>He checked some of that baggage in.<br />
So the crew has to go through it<br />
<i>and get his out of purgatory<br />
before we push back from the gate.<br />
Did I do good<br />
in the swimsuit category?<br />
I was worried that brunette<br />
was prettier than me.<br />
Excuse me. Please do us a favor<br />
and vote for little Miss Jackson.<br />
It's important.<br />
It's more important<br />
for my little Kylie.<br />
Just look at this face.<br />
Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants.<br />
All right.<br />
Thank you, Miss Cassie.<br />
Now for her talent portion,<br />
Miss Michael Jackson<br />
is going to sing for us.<br />
<i>I'm just a little girl<br />
<i>A dainty little thing<br />
<i>And I know you all want to be<br />
<i>A little white girl like me<br />
The two male judges love her.<br />
All right.<br />
That's about enough.<br />
- Crap.<br />
- What the eff?<br />
All right, everyone.<br />
The judge will now tally<br />
her final scores.<br />
We're totally screwed.<br />
They took the two best judges away.<br />
No way that lady judge<br />
is voting for us.<br />
She's glaring the entire time.<br />
You'll win for sure, Heidi.<br />
That judge adores you.<br />
This is hopeless.<br />
Wait.<br />
Look at the lady judge.<br />
She's eating Chipotle.<br />
- So what?<br />
- Maybe she doesn't know.<br />
Maybe she doesn't know!<br />
Excuse me, ma'am.<br />
I see you're eating Chipotle.<br />
It's my favorite fast food,<br />
I would eat it every day.<br />
Except I...<br />
Except...<br />
You can't afford<br />
buying all the underwear?<br />
How did you know?<br />
It doesn't matter.<br />
I'm just going to have to give it up.<br />
What if you didn't have<br />
to give it up?<br />
Excuse me?<br />
I think you and I might be able<br />
to help each other here.<br />
And now it is time to announce<br />
our grand little miss.<br />
Little Miss Michael Jackson!<br />
I'm sorry I didn't win, mommy.<br />
Thank you so much for this reward.<br />
Of all the awards I ever won,<br />
this one means the most.<br />
I feel like...<br />
I'm finally at rest.<br />
I'm finally at rest!<br />
I'm free!<br />
Holy shit!<br />
What the fuck am I wearing?<br />
Ike, you're back.<br />
What the fuck is going on?<br />
It's okay, Ike.<br />
You're going to be okay.<br />
Thanks to us and Chipotlaway,<br />
the celebrities can now rest.<br />
I'm free!<br />
I'm free!<br />
He's here!<br />
- Finally!<br />
- He's here!<br />
<i>All right, everyone.<br />
Looks like we're all ready to move on.<br />
Did you all see my crown?<br />
Finally, we can all move on!<br />
<i>All right. I'd like to be the first<br />
to welcome you to the gates of hell.<br />
<i>Unfortunately,<br />
hell is a towing gate.<br />
SouthParkNews.net (1.0)<br />
La Fabrique<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-17366462642602843192012-01-02T02:00:00.001-08:002012-01-02T02:00:06.042-08:00S13E07 Fatbeard<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Season 13 Episode 7<br />
"Fatbeard"<br />
You guys! You guys!<br />
We can finally do it!<br />
We can finally leave this crappy town<br />
and live the life we've all dreamed of!<br />
- We can?<br />
- What are you talking about, dude?<br />
Haven't you assholes<br />
been watching the news?<br />
Pirating is back, my friends.<br />
Swashbuckling adventure<br />
on the high seas.<br />
The stuff we've all dreamed about!<br />
And it's all happening right here.<br />
Somalia!<br />
- Somalia? Where's that?<br />
- North Africa.<br />
Just picture it, guys!<br />
Clear blue water with skull islands!<br />
Waterfalls and jeweled<br />
treasure underneath!<br />
I've worked it all out on Expedia.<br />
We can take<br />
Southwest Airlines to Miami,<br />
then Dubai Air here to Cairo.<br />
Then it's just a 49-hour bus ride<br />
into Mogadishu,<br />
with all the booty<br />
and plunder a pirate could want.<br />
You know, Cartman,<br />
that is an awesome idea.<br />
- You should totally go to Somalia.<br />
- Right! And we...<br />
Wait a minute. You never<br />
think my ideas are good, Kyle.<br />
No, I'm being totally serious.<br />
That is the best idea you've ever had.<br />
You should run away to Mogadishu.<br />
You should go there right away.<br />
I'll even help pay for your ticket!<br />
Cool! Wait a minute.<br />
The fuck! Why would you do that?<br />
Unless, you're trying<br />
to trick me somehow.<br />
No, you're right. Somalia is<br />
an oasis of treasure and waterfalls!<br />
- It's totally the pirate's life!<br />
- Then why don't you wanna go?<br />
'cause, dude, I'm Jewish,<br />
and you know...<br />
Jews can't be pirates.<br />
That's true.<br />
Well, I'm glad you've finally come<br />
to terms with your disability, Kyle.<br />
Gentlemen,<br />
I'm off to start planning.<br />
Please.<br />
Please let him go.<br />
<i>Good morning, students.<br />
These are the morning announcements.<br />
<i>Teacher-parent conferences<br />
were rescheduled to next Tuesday.<br />
<i>Please inform your parents.<br />
<i>The gym is being repainted<br />
and is closed until tomorrow afternoon.<br />
<i>And now for a special announcement.<br />
<i>Avast there, mateys!<br />
<i>Do you have a thirst for adventure<br />
on the high seas of life?<br />
<i>Sick and tired of parents and teachers<br />
telling ye what to do all the time?<br />
<i>Then join Captain Cartman's<br />
perfect pirate club!<br />
<i>Just imagine it, me hearties!<br />
<i>A life without rules,<br />
without homework and chores!<br />
<i>You can live the pirate's life<br />
in Somalia, me friends.<br />
<i>Even Kyle said so.<br />
Our first official pirate meetin'<br />
<i>will be 4:00 PM today,<br />
at Kevin Stoley's house.<br />
<i>- At my house? Why my house?<br />
- There will be refreshments served.<br />
<i>So make sure your mom<br />
goes to the grocery store!<br />
<i>So come all.<br />
<i>The invitation is open to any student<br />
who wants to be a pirate,<br />
<i>and who isn't Jewish,<br />
Mexican or ginger.<br />
<i>And for lunch today,<br />
the cafeteria will be serving<br />
<i>taco salad or hoagie sandwiches.<br />
Thank you.<br />
Ahoy, fellow club members!<br />
Congratulations on leaving<br />
your meaningless lives behind<br />
to become pirates.<br />
Your life of boredom is at an end,<br />
thanks to Captain Cartman.<br />
All hands on deck!<br />
Attention!<br />
All right, ye booty lubbers!<br />
So you decided to join<br />
Captain Cartman, did ye...<br />
Guys. Who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?<br />
There's really not that many of us.<br />
We figured we should let him join.<br />
But, g-i-n-g-e-r-s can't be pirates,<br />
'cause they don't have souls.<br />
- Please get it out of here.<br />
- Fine! I don't want to be a pirate!<br />
OK, anyways.<br />
Now, enough small talk, lads! It's time<br />
for us to start rappin' and plunderin'!<br />
We set course tomorrow!<br />
I purchased everyone's tickets online<br />
using me mother's credit card.<br />
And your mom is OK with that?<br />
Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do<br />
I care what me mother thinks anymore?<br />
Neat-o!<br />
All right, lads. Go home and write<br />
your farewell letters to your families.<br />
The land of pirates awaits!<br />
- Pirates ho!<br />
- Pirates ho!<br />
Kevin, goddammit.<br />
Have a good flight.<br />
Next, please?<br />
We be heading to Somalia,<br />
by way of Miami to Cairo.<br />
And take care you put us<br />
in an exit row, you landlubber.<br />
I see, you five boys<br />
are all booked through<br />
to Cairo by yourselves?<br />
That we be, lass. It's all paid for<br />
on me mother's credit card.<br />
Jeez. I don't know<br />
if I can really go through with this.<br />
- What?<br />
- It's just leaving everything behind.<br />
I can't believe<br />
I'm actually doing it.<br />
- Maybe we should think about this.<br />
- You guys, the fuck!<br />
Are you forgetting<br />
how crappy your lives are?<br />
All the homework, the rules?<br />
You really want to go back to school,<br />
where people just make fun of you?<br />
Who? You mean you?<br />
- Do you really wanna go back to that?<br />
- No, I'm sick of it!<br />
Well, all right then, fag!<br />
We can't turn back now.<br />
The path to adventure lies<br />
just beyond this ticket counter,<br />
and if you four have really come<br />
all this way just to turn back now,<br />
then seriously, you guys...<br />
The fuck?<br />
He's right, lads.<br />
To adventure!<br />
This is Somalia?<br />
Where's all the waterfalls<br />
and shipwreck lagoons?<br />
The fuck!<br />
Excuse me.<br />
Where are the pirates?<br />
We're looking for the pirates.<br />
Where can we find the...<br />
Get the phrase book out.<br />
Ask these people<br />
where the pirates are.<br />
He says they're in there!<br />
Nice! Come on, mateys!<br />
Yes, bla, bla, bla. Thank you.<br />
Avast!<br />
These aren't pirates.<br />
They're just a bunch of black people.<br />
I'm Captain Cartman<br />
and this here be my terrible crew.<br />
We be looking<br />
for a ship to pirate with.<br />
Yes, very nice.<br />
Apparently these are the pirates.<br />
Excellent!<br />
They're taking us to a ship!<br />
Once we commandeer a vessel,<br />
the plundering will be easy indeed.<br />
This is your pirate boat?<br />
Dude. The fuck?<br />
Seriously, guys,<br />
what kind of pirates are you?<br />
I mean, really.<br />
The fuck, dude. The fuck?<br />
Guess we'll have<br />
to settle with this meager ship.<br />
Two of you sit aft<br />
and two of you sit in the front.<br />
I gotta sit middle,<br />
'cause I get motion sickness.<br />
Kevin, Jesus Christ.<br />
Hard to starboard, lads!<br />
There's sure to be lots<br />
of booties out here!<br />
Clyde, the fuck?<br />
You said there was gonna be<br />
crystal clear lagoons<br />
and treasure and plunder!<br />
Calm down.<br />
Everything's gonna be okay!<br />
No, it's not. You made me<br />
run away and be a pirate<br />
and there's not even any treasure!<br />
Ike, do something<br />
about Clyde, please!<br />
Very nice, Ike.<br />
All right, me hearties!<br />
Keep your eyes open<br />
for boats to plunder!<br />
Dude! You're doing it all wrong.<br />
Let me handle this.<br />
<i>All right, ye scallywags!<br />
<i>Surrender your plunder lest<br />
we start firing shots across your bow!<br />
Yeah, that's good,<br />
but now go "argh!"<br />
You checked with Kenny and Token?<br />
He's not staying at their houses?<br />
No, everyone's checked. I think<br />
Cartman really ran away to Somalia.<br />
Yes! I can't help but take<br />
some credit for this.<br />
- I helped convince him to go!<br />
- You think he'll die in Somalia?<br />
For sure. It's the most<br />
godforsaken place on the planet!<br />
Things are finally gonna<br />
be normal around here!<br />
Oh, God!<br />
Oh, God!<br />
What did we do wrong, Gerald?<br />
Take it easy. We'll find him!<br />
- I'll call you back.<br />
- Kyle! He's gone!<br />
Your little brother's<br />
run away from home!<br />
What? Are you sure?<br />
He left a note saying<br />
he's never coming back!<br />
"Dear mommy and daddy.<br />
I am running away.<br />
I am sorry,<br />
but I cannot longer handle<br />
the monotony of middle class life.<br />
Everyone at school<br />
is a fucking idiot,<br />
and if one more person talked to me<br />
about that Susan Boyle performance<br />
<i>of Les Misérables I was going to puke<br />
my balls out through my mouth.<br />
I love you all, but I have to move on.<br />
I'm going to Somalia to be a...<br />
to be a pirate."<br />
Oh, shit!<br />
Gerald, what are we gonna do?<br />
He couldn't have gone far.<br />
Let's call the other kids' houses.<br />
God, what have I done?<br />
The fuck are you pirates doing?<br />
Are we gonna plunder them or not?<br />
Let's go.<br />
Quiet, ye sons of biscuit eaters!<br />
This boat is now pirate property!<br />
Now get ye to yer lifeboat,<br />
lest ye wanna be shark bait!<br />
Plunder the booty, lads!<br />
This ship is ours!<br />
I said get off my boat.<br />
That's it!<br />
Get in there ye swarmy dogs!<br />
Lower 'em down, Ike!<br />
Have a good day!<br />
- Hard to port, lads.<br />
- Hard to port!<br />
What's port?<br />
Just make the boat go<br />
that way, kind of.<br />
That's good!<br />
Now bring her around portside!<br />
Now, that's a pirate ship.<br />
A fine day of plunderin' we had, boys.<br />
What about yourselves?<br />
Here ye are, lads.<br />
Plenty of booty to go around.<br />
A round of grog for me boys.<br />
A round of grog for everyone!<br />
The fuck is this?<br />
This is water in a Dixie Cup!<br />
All right, goddammit.<br />
Really, you guys.<br />
What kind of pirates are you?<br />
Look at yourselves!<br />
You're a disgrace to Blackbeard!<br />
I don't know where you people<br />
get off calling yourselves pirates...<br />
Little beat-up boats,<br />
water in Dixie Cups.<br />
I mean, look! Look at this guy!<br />
Look at this guy, for Christ's sake!<br />
I mean, how hard is this, people?<br />
I tell ye, lads, if we're gonna be<br />
the most feared people on earth,<br />
then there needs to be<br />
some goddamn changes around here!<br />
<i>We drink and we pillage<br />
and we do what we please<br />
<i>We get all we want for free<br />
<i>We'll kick your ass<br />
then rape your lass<br />
<i>Somalian pirates we<br />
<i>So with a yo ho ho<br />
Goddammit, people.<br />
<i>With a yo ho ho!<br />
<i>And with a yee hee hee!<br />
<i>We take to the African sea<br />
<i>We'll brave the squalls<br />
and bust your balls<br />
<i>Somalian pirates we<br />
<i>Somalian pirates we<br />
<i>We left our homes<br />
and we left our mothers<br />
<i>to go on a pillaging spree<br />
<i>We'll cut off your ears<br />
and break your toes<br />
<i>and make you drink our pee<br />
<i>And if you sail into our waters,<br />
<i>you best hear this decree<br />
<i>We'll take your boat<br />
and set your ass afloat<br />
<i>- Somalian pirates we<br />
- Nice!<br />
<i>With a yo ho ho<br />
<i>And a trick a lotty do<br />
<i>We'll shoot you<br />
in the face with glee<br />
<i>- We'll cut off...<br />
- Let's stop for a minute.<br />
Remember on "trick a lotty do",<br />
that's an lotty do.<br />
Really need you guys<br />
to enunciate the lotty.<br />
Nadif?<br />
If I can get you and Abdikarim to sing<br />
the harmony on the second "yo ho".<br />
And... Hashmish?<br />
I'm sorry, but you're a little flat.<br />
Sing out, don't close your throat.<br />
So let's go from bar 14.<br />
Pick up after the quarter rest. Ike?<br />
<i>- Somalian pirates we<br />
- Better!<br />
<i>With a yo ho ho<br />
<i>And a trick a lotty do<br />
<i>We'll shoot you<br />
in the face with glee<br />
<i>Then we'll cut off your cock<br />
and feed it to a crock<br />
Somalian pirates we!<br />
<i>Somalian pirates...<br />
<i>we!<br />
<i>Somalian pirates we<br />
We found them adrift<br />
in a lifeboat, sir.<br />
They said that pirates<br />
took their ship by force.<br />
Damn pirates!<br />
What's causing them<br />
to suddenly be so much more active?<br />
Is the crew okay?<br />
Yes, sir. They're French,<br />
so they surrendered immediately.<br />
Once they boarded your ship,<br />
how did they force you off?<br />
Sir, the pirates appear<br />
to have forced<br />
the French crew off their boat<br />
with a lightsaber.<br />
My God. The pirates are getting<br />
better equipped every day!<br />
Gentlemen, I want the President<br />
of the United States on the phone.<br />
We can no longer fight<br />
the pirates on the seas.<br />
We have to take them out<br />
where they live.<br />
What did I tell you, Butters?<br />
This is the good life, huh?<br />
What's going on?<br />
Good. A hostage<br />
will bring a fine ransom!<br />
Well, well, well!<br />
<i>This is CNN... N.<br />
Breaking news of yet<br />
another pirate crisis in Somalia.<br />
Members of NATO receive word today<br />
that pirates have captured<br />
an American child,<br />
and are demanding 10 million euros<br />
for his safe release.<br />
U.S. Navy ships have been deployed<br />
and the pirate standoff<br />
is about to get ugly.<br />
Well, well, well... Kyle.<br />
You came all this way<br />
to try and join my pirate club.<br />
No, fatass, I came to get my brother!<br />
We all have to get out of here!<br />
- It isn't safe!<br />
- It isn't safe?<br />
That's not what you said<br />
back in the cafeteria, Kyle.<br />
In the cafeteria, you said<br />
Somalia was awesome.<br />
I know. I was lying.<br />
Or are you lying now? So many lies,<br />
you can't even keep them straight!<br />
You couldn't stand that we were living<br />
in paradise while you were back home.<br />
This isn't paradise, and you know it.<br />
The people here are starving and dying!<br />
The whole world has used Somalia<br />
as a dumping ground for toxic waste.<br />
Even the fish are radioactive.<br />
Cartman, just give me my brother<br />
and let us get out of here.<br />
Your brother is with Butters<br />
taking inventory of our latest plunder.<br />
You... just sit tight till we hear<br />
about your ransom money.<br />
One box of Italian passports!<br />
One necklace, gold!<br />
Three crew member watches.<br />
Excuse me. Can I ask you a question?<br />
Sure, Guleed.<br />
Why did you Americans come here?<br />
'cause our lives sucked back home!<br />
- We had all these rules and homework.<br />
- Yeah, homework!<br />
And our parents hollered at us.<br />
- So we wanted to be pirates.<br />
- Pirates!<br />
But that's what I do not understand.<br />
Why would anyone<br />
want to be a pirate?<br />
Every day, I dream<br />
that I can go to school,<br />
learn about the world.<br />
But my mother, she's dying of AIDS,<br />
and there is no money for medicine.<br />
My father was killed<br />
trying to find food for us.<br />
Do you know how I feel<br />
every time we try to capture a boat?<br />
Scared.<br />
And not just scared,<br />
because I might get killed,<br />
but scared because<br />
if I don't get something out of it,<br />
my family and friends<br />
are going to die.<br />
I don't want to be a pirate.<br />
I have don't see how anybody would.<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
Jeez, guess we kinda got<br />
put in our place, huh, Ike?<br />
I feel like an asshole.<br />
Me too.<br />
- Go on! Walk the plank, ye scurvy dog!<br />
- Cartman, knock it off!<br />
That's Captain Cartman,<br />
ye jewswoggle.<br />
Listen, we wanna go home.<br />
- What?<br />
- Me and Ike, we've been talking, and...<br />
Well, guys, we really had it<br />
pretty good back in America.<br />
I mean, sure,<br />
it's easy to think our lives<br />
are boring and full of rules,<br />
but a lot of people<br />
have it way worse.<br />
The pirates' life isn't<br />
a life of fun and adventure.<br />
It's a life of hardship<br />
and suffering.<br />
When you get down to it, we were<br />
pretty lucky to have the lives we did.<br />
I hate it here. It wanna go home!<br />
You guys cannot leave<br />
the pirate club now!<br />
How can you not want to stay<br />
in this paradise we've created?<br />
In Somalia, people have no laws!<br />
They have no rules,<br />
and they never grow old!<br />
They never grow old<br />
because they die before they're 30!<br />
Nobody's going anywhere.<br />
I'm the captain of this outfit!<br />
To arms!<br />
Now, is there any question<br />
who's in charge?<br />
I have an entire pirate crew<br />
willing to do anything for me.<br />
All right, men. Remember,<br />
do not hit the white ones!<br />
Me and my crew<br />
are gonna go on pirating forever!<br />
Clear.<br />
The fuck?<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-91126528262970406592012-01-02T01:59:00.003-08:002012-01-02T01:59:35.389-08:00S13E06 Pinewood Derby<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Park Season13 Episode06</font><br />
All right. That's 2.8 centimeters. Should<br />
give us a drag of only. 6 milliseconds.<br />
Hold the front here, Stan.<br />
Hey,guys,it's almost 2:00 a.m.<br />
- We know.<br />
Well,it's way past time for bed.<br />
Sharon, Stan's pinewood<br />
derby race is tomorrow!<br />
Do you have any idea how<br />
important this is to him?<br />
Stan is not gonna lose to<br />
the goddamn Hollises again!<br />
Well,it's just a block<br />
of wood and some wheels.<br />
I don't think there's much<br />
more you can do with it.<br />
That's 'cuz you're a chick!<br />
Now just leave us alone!<br />
Don't worry,son. The hollises<br />
are not beating us this year.<br />
I went and got something to put inside<br />
our car and make it go extra fast!<br />
Dad,we're not allowed to add anything to the car<br />
that doesn't come in the approved kit,remember?<br />
Stan,how do you think the<br />
hollises beat us every year?<br />
I'm sure they put lead in the wood or<br />
something. We're just leveling the playing field.<br />
There.<br />
- What is it?<br />
It's uh -- it's<br />
nothing really.<br />
Tom,i'm standing outside the hadron particle<br />
super collider in switzerland,where authorities<br />
Are shocked and baffled over the theft<br />
of a sup conducting bending magnet<br />
created for use in tests<br />
with particle acceleration.<br />
Oh,no. He didn't.<br />
The superconducting magnet<br />
was stolen sometime last week.<br />
Surveillance cameras were able to<br />
record the theft on tape and police<br />
Are now looking for princess<br />
leia organa of alderaan.<br />
Caught here in these photos,the troubled rebel<br />
princess Is seen taking the superconducting magnet<br />
and then appearing disoperated<br />
as she tries to find her way out.<br />
If you have any information<br />
of princess leia's whereabouts,<br />
Please call your local police department.<br />
All right,scouts and<br />
dads. The racing continues.<br />
And it looks like our next heat<br />
is ready to go. Three,two,one,race!<br />
2.1 seconds for tommy bretz!<br />
Looks like we have a new leader,folks.<br />
All right!<br />
All right,stan. We're gonna need to check<br />
in and have our car inspected to qualify.<br />
Now,son,daddy needs to teach you<br />
something very important about tells.<br />
Tells?<br />
When you tell them you<br />
only used the approved kit,<br />
Don't look up and away,don't rub<br />
your neck and don't touch your ear.<br />
Otherwise,they'll know you're<br />
lying to them. All right.<br />
When you need to lie just don't look up<br />
and away,rub your neck or touch your ear.<br />
Dad,maybe we should just take out<br />
the thing you put in the car --<br />
Son,you have to learn how<br />
to lie correctly some day.<br />
Might as well be today. All right?<br />
I love you,son.<br />
Looks good. Thank you and good luck today.<br />
All right. Next,please.<br />
Name?<br />
It's uh<br />
-- marsh.<br />
All right. Car weighs in at 15 ounces.<br />
Do you hereby swear that you used<br />
parts in the official pinewood derby kit<br />
And only parts in the<br />
official pinewood derby kit?<br />
Yes,i do. Yes,i do.<br />
Yes,i do.<br />
All right,young man. Good luck today.<br />
Oooh,yes!<br />
Well,well. Look,son,it's the marshes.<br />
Hey,hollis. You guys race already?<br />
No,little emmett hasn't gone yet.<br />
Think they're saving the best for last.<br />
Clocked her in at home at 1.5 seconds.<br />
It's the fastest car we've ever built.<br />
1.5?<br />
The time to beat is 1.9 seconds.<br />
May we please have --<br />
brewster,marsh,jarvis and hollis.<br />
Only fitting our boys should be going<br />
head-to-head for their match,hey,marsh?<br />
C'mon,stan. You can do this!<br />
All right,kids,are you ready?<br />
Here we go. Last race for the state<br />
championship in three,two,one,go!<br />
You got it,emmett!<br />
oh,yeah! Oh,yeah!<br />
Suck on that,hollis!<br />
This is 9 news at 10:00.<br />
A colorado boy and his father have<br />
set a new record at the pinewood derby.<br />
Stan and randy marsh not<br />
only broke a speed record,<br />
But actually appear to have bent time<br />
and space and discovered warp speed.<br />
A parade was held for<br />
the winners earlier today.<br />
And already offers for commercials and<br />
endorsement deals for the father and son<br />
appear to be pouring in.<br />
Dad,i just you to know I still love you.<br />
He's okay. He's okay. He's<br />
okay. He's okay.He's okay.<br />
Stan Marsh?<br />
- Yeah.<br />
I'm agent clark and this is agent marx.<br />
We'd like to talk to you<br />
about your pinewood derby car.<br />
Aw,crap. Dad!<br />
Young man,what we're about to tell<br />
you is a matter of national security.<br />
Yesterday,every government and embassy on<br />
earth was contracted by an alien life force.<br />
Alien?<br />
Apparently the alien came across your pinewood<br />
derby car and is now heading here to our planet.<br />
What does it want?<br />
We believe that they intend to welcome us<br />
into the galactic federation of planets.<br />
They will want to meet the people who<br />
discovered warp speed for our species.<br />
Stan,did you use all the<br />
damn toilet paper again?<br />
Oh,crap! What? What the you guys want?<br />
We said we only used what was in the kit!<br />
You got nothing on us.<br />
You got nothing on us!<br />
Dad,they aren't here for that!<br />
Hi,i'm randy marsh.<br />
Mr. Marsh,we were just telling<br />
your son that thanks to you,<br />
We have made first contact with alien life.<br />
What?<br />
Hey,hey,sharon!<br />
Nasa has confirmed that an alien ship has<br />
entered our solar system and is headed here.<br />
So guess what?<br />
Our pinewood derby car<br />
found alien life in space.<br />
What? Oh,my god.<br />
Yeah. But I guess it's just a<br />
dumb race like you said,huh,sharon.<br />
The world holds its breath as<br />
an alien ship prepares to land.<br />
Now that our planet has achieved warp speed,<br />
we are about to be welcomed<br />
into the universal society.<br />
All thanks to a father and<br />
son who broke the warp barrier,<br />
Using only the parts in<br />
this pinewood derby car kit.<br />
Mr. Marsh,you are on with<br />
with all the world leaders.<br />
Hello?<br />
Godspeed,mr. Marsh.<br />
The nation of france is with you!<br />
Good ruck wis arien,missa marsh!<br />
Prease say harro from a china!<br />
Uh,okay. Stand by. I think<br />
it's -- I think it's landing.<br />
Our first encounter with<br />
extraterrestrial life is about to happen.<br />
Will it be like in "star<br />
trek: First contact"?<br />
Or will it be more like<br />
"contact" with jodie foster?<br />
I seek the life forms that made this.<br />
That's ours,mr. Alien.<br />
We are the marshes. Randy and stan.<br />
Oh,yeah?<br />
You're gonna build me another one,see?<br />
He's got a gun!<br />
Everyone down on the ground!<br />
Get those hands up! Let me<br />
see those hands! Do it now!<br />
I mean it! Show me those hands!<br />
I'm baby fark mcgee-zax!<br />
The greatest gangster this<br />
universe has ever seen,right?<br />
You can't threaten us!<br />
Who wants it next,huh?<br />
Anyone else on this planet want to be a hero?<br />
What do you want?<br />
I'm on the lamb!<br />
I got the entire federation of planets after<br />
me,but they ain't gonna catch me. You got that?<br />
They might have busted my warp drive,but<br />
you obviously know how to make 'em!<br />
Screw this guy! He can't take out all of us!<br />
I can kill any mug on<br />
this two bit planet I want!<br />
Abunaiii!<br />
You build me a new warp drive<br />
or you'll all gonna get it,see?<br />
Fine! He can build you what you want.<br />
All he needs is the official<br />
pinewood derby kit. Right,marsh?<br />
Uh,yeah. That's all we used,huh,stan?<br />
Oh,boy.<br />
Okay. Let's put the wheels on now,son.<br />
What's taking so long? You're stalling!<br />
C'mon,randy. Just build him the<br />
warp drive and he'll leave us alone!<br />
We're working on it.<br />
Dad,dad,you know we can't make the car go as fast<br />
as before with only the approved pinewood derby kit.<br />
Yeah,thanks,stan. I know that!<br />
Well,we have to tell him we<br />
used something outside the kit!<br />
Do you have any idea how<br />
stupid that will make us look?<br />
All right. That does it!<br />
Hello?<br />
He just blew up our government<br />
building! You've got to hurry!<br />
Mr. Marsh,why won't you<br />
finish the pinewood derby car?<br />
Will you just give us a minute,gal!<br />
C'mon,dad. We gotta come clean!<br />
zats! It's the intergalactic police!<br />
What?<br />
You better get rid of 'em or your<br />
whole planet is gonna get it,see?<br />
You tell 'em you ain't<br />
seen nothing. You got that?<br />
I ain't going to space jail!<br />
Excuse us,earthlings,but we've been in<br />
pursuit of a criminal from xenon galaxy.<br />
Fella by the name of baby fark mcgee-zax.<br />
Uh,no. We haven't seen anything.<br />
Wel,you think anyone else on<br />
your planet might have seen him?<br />
Uh,actually,i happen to be on the phone<br />
with all the world leaders. I can ask.<br />
Uh,yeah,listen,these police aliens<br />
are here and they're wondering<br />
If anyone has seen an alien<br />
named baby fark mcgee-zax.<br />
No. No,we haven't seen aliens.<br />
We've seen nothing here in france.<br />
Sorry. Nobody in the world has seen anything.<br />
Uh,what did this criminal alien do,exactly?<br />
He toll over 600 parsons of space<br />
cash from the universal bank.<br />
You're absolutely sure you<br />
didn't see an alien land here?<br />
No,we're sure.<br />
So then we're the first<br />
aliens you've ever seen?<br />
That's right. Up,you're the first ones.<br />
You don't seem that excited about<br />
your first contact with alien life.<br />
That's right! Oh,my god!<br />
Hey,everybody,we just made first contact!<br />
If you do see any sign of the other<br />
alien or the space cash,you'll --<br />
We will give you a call!<br />
Mathematical semitonal is fine.<br />
Something wrong,sir?<br />
I don't know,daverd.<br />
Just something about that<br />
planet didn't feel right.<br />
All right,son. Now you just paint<br />
that racing stripe like you did before.<br />
I don't need it painted. I<br />
just need it functional,right?<br />
Hey,the right paint job is a big part of<br />
what makes a pinewood derby car go fast.<br />
That's true.<br />
I swear if you don't have that thing working<br />
if three minutes this whole planet is done for!<br />
Dad,it's over. We have to<br />
tell everyone we cheated.<br />
No,i've got it all figured out,son.<br />
You have to kill the alien.<br />
Kill the alien?<br />
I've been filing down this<br />
piece of metal into a shank.<br />
I'm gonna call him over<br />
here to look at the car.<br />
When I do,you shove that in his neck.<br />
No,dad! We don't even know what will happen!<br />
What are you whispering about,right?<br />
Uh,no. That's it. We're done!<br />
Here,come take a look.<br />
- Dad!<br />
Here,see?<br />
Look real close at the axles here.<br />
Yeah! All right,you got him,son!<br />
All right,men. Check the ship!<br />
You see,stan? What did daddy tell you?<br />
Everything worked out.<br />
- I guess so.<br />
It just still doesn't feel right.<br />
But,stan,it's over now.<br />
We'll never have to lie again.<br />
Hey,marsh,get in here!<br />
Can you believe it?<br />
- Oh,my god. Space cash.<br />
Looks like those alien cops were right.<br />
Guess you should call them back now.<br />
Right.<br />
Or what if we didn't call the cops?<br />
I mean,this is a lot of space cash,guys.<br />
Think what we could do with it.<br />
No,dad.<br />
- He's right.<br />
We don't have to call the police back.<br />
All right. Let's get the<br />
cash,put it into boxes --<br />
Dad,what are you doing?<br />
- Will you relax,stan?<br />
Don't sink that you get to keep<br />
all ze space cash for yourselves.<br />
Zat's right. This is all of our<br />
planet,the space cash belongs to all of us!<br />
Either america shares that space cash with the<br />
rest of the world or we will tell the space cops!<br />
All right,fine. Look,there's<br />
plenty of space cash to go around.<br />
Thanks to us,our planet is rich,son!<br />
<i>4 Days Later<br />
Oh,no. No,china. We get to keep the ship.<br />
Because we killed the alien,you boner.<br />
Oh,c'mon,england. You got just as much<br />
of the space cash as everyone else!<br />
Oh,crap! It's the cops. Hang on.<br />
Oh,hey,space officers.<br />
Looks like the alien criminal<br />
did land here after all.<br />
Oh,you were talking about that alien?<br />
Oh,yeah,that one,yeah. He,he landed here.<br />
But we,we killed him.<br />
And so did you find the missing space cash?<br />
No. Space cash? No.<br />
There wasn't any space cash.<br />
Well,maybe someone else on<br />
your planet knows where it is.<br />
Hey,any of you other<br />
countries see any space cash?<br />
No.<br />
- No,no space cash.<br />
Yeah,doesn't look like the<br />
space cash was ever here.<br />
Guess he must have dropped<br />
it off at some other planet.<br />
Probably!<br />
Well,you folk all take care now.<br />
Just one more thing,earthlings.<br />
We had some images done of your planet and it<br />
appears that one of your poorer countries --<br />
Mexico -- has built 32 new hospitals and<br />
seven water parks in the last four days.<br />
Yeah,mexico,you know all us other countries<br />
chipped in and gave mexico some aid.<br />
Yeah. They really needed new water parks.<br />
Have a good day.<br />
Hey,hey,mexico!<br />
We said no spending the space cash yet!<br />
What the hell are you doing?<br />
Will some country that speaks spanish yell<br />
at Mexico, please? They gonna ruin everything.<br />
<i>Pack 12 Pinewood Derby<br />
2009 1st Place Stand Marsh<br />
<i>Father and son set Pinewood Derby record!<br />
<i>Warp speed discovered<br />
<i>Dad and son to greet<br />
visitors from other world!<br />
<i>Derby winner kills alien<br />
<i>China builds 48 new soccer stadiums<br />
no,japan! Will you listen<br />
to eme for five seconds?<br />
If you keep building giant robots,the<br />
cops are gonna ask questions!<br />
Well,then why can england<br />
build nuclear power plant?<br />
Nobody can build anything!<br />
Yeah,well,it's not even gonna matter,<br />
because finland is thinking about<br />
telling the space cops the truth.<br />
What? Finland!<br />
We believe the aliens are going to<br />
find out sooner or later what we did.<br />
It's best we come clean now.<br />
Will you just relax,finland?<br />
Nobody's gonna find out anything.<br />
I'm sorry,but our nation is resolved.<br />
We cannot live with the guilt anymore.<br />
Okay,okay. You're right. You're<br />
right,finland. Okay. You're right.<br />
Can you just let us other countries<br />
talk in private for a moment?<br />
Very well.<br />
All right. You guys,we<br />
gotta get rid of finland.<br />
Yup. We gotta take out<br />
finland. They gonna squeal.<br />
Yup. I think we can all agree,guys.<br />
Yup.<br />
- Yeah.<br />
Aw,dammit.<br />
Uh,hey,space officers. How can we help you?<br />
Well,we're a little puzzled.<br />
Over one of your<br />
countries -- uh,finland?<br />
What? What about it?<br />
It appears to have been destroyed.<br />
What? Oh,my god! Not finland!<br />
Oh,no! No! Not finland!<br />
Hey,guys,finland's dead.<br />
Oh,no!<br />
No! Not finland!<br />
All of finland gone!<br />
Yeah. Somebody better<br />
break the news to norway.<br />
They were really close.<br />
None of you knew anything<br />
about the finland destruction?<br />
No. I mean,odds are they nuked<br />
themselves. You know,suicide.<br />
We didn't say anything about nukes.<br />
Or whatever they did,i'm saying.<br />
Excuse me! Excuse me!<br />
Everyone,i have an announcement to make.<br />
I am giving back my pinewood derby trophy.<br />
What?<br />
- Stan!<br />
The truth is I don't deserve this trophy,because<br />
I cheated on my pinewood derby car.<br />
I used something not in the approved kit.<br />
What?<br />
- Outside the kit?<br />
Not in the approved kit?<br />
He cheated on the pinewood derby?<br />
This trophy isn't mine.<br />
And so I have to give it back.<br />
Because if i'm not honest now,then i'll<br />
have to keep this lie going forever.<br />
And it will just grow and grow.<br />
Well,stan,we're proud<br />
of you for coming clean.<br />
But it doesn't change the fact that<br />
you cheated. Go to your room,son.<br />
Your son seems to have some<br />
pretty inspirational words.<br />
You sure you earthlings<br />
have nothing else to tell us?<br />
Hey,uh,do we have anything<br />
else to tell the space cops?<br />
Nope!<br />
No!<br />
- No changes.<br />
Tell 'em no.<br />
- No changes.<br />
Yeah,no. We've told you<br />
everything,space officers.<br />
All right. That's it,then. Come<br />
on out,sir. It appears to be over.<br />
It's baby fark mcgee-zax!<br />
- My real name is kevirn xaxor.<br />
I am the ambassador to new planet testing.<br />
What the hell are they talking about?<br />
These are not space cops.<br />
There is no space jail.<br />
And space cash is only worth what<br />
you as a planet decided it was worth.<br />
I mean,how stupid is your species?<br />
Space jail? Baby fark mcgee-zax?<br />
It was just a trick?<br />
Whenever a civilization discovers warp speed,<br />
we want to bring them into<br />
the federation of planets.<br />
But first we do the space cash test to<br />
esee if that species is worthy of joining.<br />
Needless to say,you all failed.<br />
People of earth,since you<br />
did not return the space cash,<br />
Your species and your planet<br />
is hereby forever blocked off<br />
and barred from the rest<br />
of the universe. Goodbye.<br />
No,no! Hey,wait! No!<br />
Well,that sucks.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-6933348716525637112012-01-02T01:59:00.001-08:002012-01-02T01:59:11.401-08:00S13E05 Fishsticks<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Season 13 Episode 5<br />
"Fishsticks"<br />
Hey, Jimmy, what are you up to?<br />
Hey, Eric. I was just trying to write<br />
some new jokes for my comedy routine.<br />
You wanna do something?<br />
I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle,<br />
but they're pissed off at me,<br />
so I hang out with you.<br />
Sorry, but I really need to work.<br />
I haven't written a good joke in a week.<br />
Maybe I can help you. We can<br />
totally write some stuff together.<br />
Well, sure. I've never tried working<br />
with a partner, but let's give it a...<br />
shotsgarrooski.<br />
Let's see. I was working on this.<br />
Why does a squirrel swim on its back?<br />
To keep his nuts dry.<br />
That's not that funny.<br />
Let's try something else.<br />
A fireman and a Pollack<br />
are eating marshmallows when...<br />
Pollacks aren't that funny.<br />
Try something else.<br />
So the Pope says:<br />
"What are you, a stinking evolutionist?"<br />
Here's some fruit, boys.<br />
Better for you than potato chips.<br />
Look out.<br />
There's a black widow!<br />
Thanks, mom!<br />
You might have saved my life!<br />
If I'm trying to be creative,<br />
I can't eat fruit.<br />
Doesn't your mom have<br />
something more substantial?<br />
You can check the freezer. There might<br />
be some frozen fishsticks or something.<br />
If you like fishsticks.<br />
- I like fishsticks.<br />
- Wait a minute.<br />
Fishsticks.<br />
Fishsticks...<br />
Oh, my God! It's so obvious!<br />
How did I never think of it before?<br />
- What? You got something?<br />
- Just run with me on this.<br />
Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks?<br />
You like putting fishsticks<br />
in your mouth?<br />
Well, what are you, a gay fish?<br />
Fish dicks!<br />
Dude, that's funny as shit!<br />
We're really onto something here.<br />
Let's try it out on the guys.<br />
- There's Clyde. Do it to Clyde.<br />
- Let's do it to Clyde.<br />
Check it out.<br />
Hey there, Clyde.<br />
- Hey.<br />
- What's going on?<br />
Eric and Jimmy came up<br />
with the funniest joke ever!<br />
Say, Clyde, do you like fishsticks?<br />
You like to put<br />
fishsticks in your mouth?<br />
What are you, Clyde, a gay fish?<br />
You said you like fish dicks in<br />
your mouth, that makes you a gay fish!<br />
Token, got a question for you.<br />
- Token, do you like fishsticks?<br />
- Fishsticks? Yeah, I guess so.<br />
You like putting<br />
fishsticks in your mouth?<br />
What are you, a gay fish?<br />
Look, there's Kevin Stoley!<br />
Kevin, do you like fishsticks?<br />
Hey, Mackey. Do you like fishsticks?<br />
Fishsticks?<br />
Yeah, I like fishsticks, m'kay.<br />
- Peterson. Buying fishsticks, I see.<br />
- Yeah, I like fishsticks.<br />
What are you, a gay fish?<br />
<i>And now here he is, Jimmy Kimmel!<br />
All right,<br />
how we all feeling tonight?<br />
So let me ask the guys<br />
in the audience a question.<br />
Do you like fishsticks?<br />
What are you, gay fish?<br />
And so, Paul,<br />
do you like fishsticks, Paul?<br />
- Sure.<br />
- What are you, a gay fish?<br />
More and more Americans are eating<br />
fishsticks. You read about this?<br />
Loving fishsticks.<br />
Kind of makes me wonder, you know?<br />
Is everybody a gay fish?<br />
It is quite possibly<br />
the funniest joke ever conceived,<br />
and its origin is unknown.<br />
The fishsticks joke crosses all borders,<br />
all races, all ages and ethnic groups<br />
and is slowly uniting our country.<br />
In fact, the only person<br />
who appears to not get the joke<br />
is rapper Kanye West, who becomes<br />
furious when the joke is used on him.<br />
That is messed up!<br />
I am not gay, and I sure<br />
as hell ain't no fish, all right?<br />
You really don't get it?<br />
I'm a genius, all right? I'm the most<br />
talented musician in the world.<br />
If I was a homosexual or a fish,<br />
I would know.<br />
You're a rapper.<br />
An entrepreneur.<br />
And you like fishsticks.<br />
- You're a gay fish.<br />
- No, I'm not no gay fish.<br />
Just gay?<br />
I'm not gay and I'm not a fish. Man!<br />
- You are male.<br />
- Damn right, I'm male.<br />
- A male that likes fish dicks.<br />
- Yeah, I like fishsticks.<br />
You like to put fish dicks<br />
in your mouth.<br />
You're a gay fish.<br />
All right, that does it.<br />
I'm gonna kick your motherfucking ass!<br />
And then, it was on Leno<br />
and Jimmy Kimmel show!<br />
That's our joke<br />
on national television!<br />
We know, Cartman!<br />
We are comedy writers<br />
and you guys aren't.<br />
Jimmy, I've been thinking.<br />
We've got to patent the fishsticks joke.<br />
- Patent?<br />
- Yeah, dude.<br />
There's lots of people out there<br />
using our joke on their shows.<br />
- We should be getting compensated.<br />
- Well, Eric,<br />
that's really not how jokes work.<br />
I mean, you know.<br />
We should be happy that the joke<br />
is so popular and made people laugh.<br />
Fuck that!<br />
Maybe you were writing for people's<br />
amusement, but I don't work for free.<br />
I'm gonna talk to a lawyer<br />
so we get what's coming to us.<br />
What part of the fishsticks joke<br />
did Cartman write?<br />
Well, he didn't actually<br />
write any of it.<br />
He just...<br />
Let me guess.<br />
You wrote the joke and Cartman<br />
just laid on the couch eating Twizzlers.<br />
Actually, it was potato chips.<br />
I knew it! Don't let that fat turd walk<br />
all over you. Stand up for yourself!<br />
Well, I mean, he was in the room.<br />
- Then just give him half.<br />
- What?<br />
I like you, Jimmy.<br />
But you're not gonna win this.<br />
Consider yourself lucky<br />
he's only asking for half.<br />
If Cartman didn't do anything,<br />
he doesn't deserve any of the credit.<br />
And if I had wheels, I'd be a wagon.<br />
No, dude, screw that!<br />
If he didn't write the joke then<br />
don't sign any patent papers with him!<br />
Say: "Cartman, you didn't have anything<br />
to do with this joke and you know it!"<br />
Just give him half.<br />
There are a lot of people out there<br />
making up rumors about me<br />
that are malicious and untrue.<br />
But I am going to prove<br />
once and for all I am not a fish.<br />
Because I am a genius,<br />
I have ascertained<br />
that fish have gills.<br />
Doctor, do I have gills?<br />
He does not have gills.<br />
You hear that? No gills.<br />
So I can't be a fish.<br />
And I'm a genius voice<br />
of a generation, so I'm not gay.<br />
So that is that.<br />
All right, it's over.<br />
Now, are there any questions?<br />
- Do you like fishsticks?<br />
- Love 'em.<br />
You're a gay fish.<br />
No, I'm not!<br />
All right. Recently...<br />
Recently, we've all come<br />
to know the fishsticks joke<br />
as probable the funniest,<br />
most awesome joke ever.<br />
But who originally came up with it?<br />
Here's your answer. Joining us tonight,<br />
the brains behind the fishsticks joke,<br />
the one and only Carlos Mencia.<br />
So, you've got a show<br />
on Comedy Central, a stand-up tour.<br />
Where did you have time<br />
to come up with this classic joke?<br />
Well, you know, I was just kicking it<br />
with my homies and my brain.<br />
My brain is always so full of ideas,<br />
'cause I'm so funny and stuff.<br />
So I was all like:<br />
"Hey, pepito, you like fishsticks?"<br />
And my homeboy says:<br />
"Carlos, you know, you're so funny."<br />
And then it occurred to me:<br />
"Man, you must be a gay fish, homes!"<br />
That's just how I came up with it!<br />
Motherfucker!<br />
Jimmy, did you see?<br />
Carlos Mencia is taking credit<br />
for our joke!<br />
- Really?<br />
- I told you this would happen.<br />
I got a lawyer to draw up<br />
some patent papers.<br />
Let's sign these so that people know<br />
that the joke belongs to you and me.<br />
I don't know. I really don't think<br />
I want to sign that, very much.<br />
But some fat turd is taking credit<br />
for something he didn't do!<br />
Well, to be perfectly frank, Eric.<br />
I think I came up with a little bit more<br />
of the joke than you did.<br />
- What?<br />
- You know, I mean...<br />
I basically wrote the thing,<br />
and you just kind of... ate chips.<br />
Jimmy, that's messed up.<br />
We decided that day to write together.<br />
Don't you remember?<br />
- Jimmy, you wanna hang out?<br />
- Sorry, but I gotta write some jokes.<br />
Unless you wanna team up.<br />
Team up? OK.<br />
Let's write some jokes together.<br />
Here's some fishsticks, guys.<br />
Hope you like fishsticks.<br />
Do we like fishsticks?<br />
What does she think we are, gay fish?<br />
Look out, Jimmy, it's a black widow!<br />
Thanks, Eric.<br />
Is that... how it happened?<br />
Exactly who came up with which part<br />
of the joke isn't even relevant.<br />
We had an agreement.<br />
If you wanna go back on that now,<br />
then you're no better than a Jew.<br />
I'm... I'm sorry?<br />
It's cool, man.<br />
It's cool.<br />
<i>Here he is, y'all.<br />
Give it up for Kanye West!<br />
What the hell?<br />
Gay fish! Gay fish!<br />
Fuck this noise!<br />
It just doesn't make any sense!<br />
Why is everyone<br />
calling me a gay fish?<br />
Kanye, we all think it would be better<br />
if you would just drop it.<br />
If you don't get it,<br />
you don't get it.<br />
What you mean I don't get it, House?<br />
I'm a genius.<br />
I'll understand it.<br />
I just need to break it down is all.<br />
Now let's see.<br />
Something about fishsticks,<br />
interacting with me,<br />
makes me gay fish.<br />
- Kanye, really...<br />
- Shut up!<br />
What do we know about fishsticks?<br />
They're breaded.<br />
They're fried.<br />
They're frozen.<br />
Then under me, we have rapper.<br />
Genius.<br />
And gay fish are homosexual.<br />
They swim.<br />
Is it because breaded<br />
has something to do with...<br />
genius, which swims?<br />
No, because you said you like<br />
fish dicks. Don't you get it?<br />
You see, fish dicks<br />
is a play on words.<br />
I don't need anybody<br />
telling me play on words.<br />
I'm a motherfucking lyrical wordsmith,<br />
motherfucking genius!<br />
Hey, Kyle, can I talk<br />
to you for a second?<br />
Get outta here.<br />
I'm peeing!<br />
It's just... I don't know<br />
what to do about Jimmy.<br />
I think he might try and Jew me out<br />
of my half of the fishsticks joke.<br />
I just need you to teach me<br />
some Jew defensive moves.<br />
Because we really did<br />
both come up with it.<br />
You know what?<br />
I believe you.<br />
You do?<br />
I believe that you believe<br />
you helped write that joke.<br />
That's how people like you work.<br />
Your ego is so out of whack<br />
that it will do whatever<br />
it can to protect itself.<br />
And people with messed up ego<br />
can do these mental gymnastics<br />
to convince themselves<br />
they're awesome<br />
when really,<br />
they're just douche bags.<br />
But I'm sure I helped come up<br />
with the joke. Didn't I?<br />
- Jimmy, what's up, dawg?<br />
- Hey, Eric! Just working on some jokes.<br />
You wanna write some together?<br />
That'd be great!<br />
I've always wanted to work with you.<br />
You're really funny<br />
and you're totally not fat.<br />
Cool, thanks. Let's get to work.<br />
Now, let's see.<br />
Something that's<br />
a play on words. I don't know.<br />
- Fishsticks. You know, 'cause of dicks.<br />
- You're really onto something there!<br />
Hello, Eric, have some chips,<br />
because you're totally not fat at all.<br />
Thank you, Mrs. Valmer.<br />
Let's see. The set-up could be...<br />
- "Do you like fishsticks?"<br />
- Right. And then I say: "Yeah."<br />
So then I can say:<br />
"What are you, a gay fish?"<br />
This is incredible!<br />
- What is that?<br />
- It's a dragon of some kind.<br />
Don't worry, I can save you all!<br />
Hey, look, Eric killed a dragon!<br />
He's the most awesome kid in school!<br />
- And he's not fat at all!<br />
- Thanks, you guys!<br />
Nope. I definitely<br />
helped write the joke.<br />
All I can hope is Jimmy<br />
doesn't try and Jew me over.<br />
Is it perhaps that I'm fashionable,<br />
and fishsticks are crunchy?<br />
- We found him, money!<br />
- Found who?<br />
You told us to track down whoever<br />
started the whole fishstick thang.<br />
We found out who, dawg.<br />
C'mon, man! What is this, man?<br />
What the fuck is going on, man?<br />
Fuck, man.<br />
Kanye West!<br />
Oh shit, man.<br />
OK, look it wasn't me.<br />
I didn't really start<br />
the fishstick thing, all right?<br />
You just saying that now<br />
'cause you're scared!<br />
No, man, it's true!<br />
I stole it, man!<br />
I took credit for it,<br />
'cause I'm not actually funny.<br />
C'mon, man.<br />
Do you know what it's like?<br />
Being a comedian,<br />
but not being funny?<br />
Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes<br />
and repackage them<br />
with a Mexican accent, man!<br />
You think you can make fun of me?<br />
I'm a genius!<br />
I'm the voice of a generation!<br />
What are you?<br />
Nothing!<br />
Look at me, man.<br />
I'm not funny, I steal jokes,<br />
my dick don't work, man.<br />
I got to piss in a plastic bag, man.<br />
I got no dick!<br />
I ain't not gonna hurt you.<br />
I pay people to do that for me.<br />
Oh shit, oh, no, man.<br />
Come on, I got no dick, man.<br />
Now, explain it to me.<br />
Why do people think I'm a gay fish?<br />
'cause... you like fishsticks, man.<br />
C'mon, man.<br />
Don't you get it? Please!<br />
Just get it, man!<br />
Why? Look at me.<br />
Look at me!<br />
I love fishsticks.<br />
I love putting<br />
fishsticks in my mouth.<br />
You're...<br />
You're a gay fish, man!<br />
Thank you very much!<br />
About a week ago, our country<br />
was blessed with the fishsticks joke.<br />
And ever since then us comedians<br />
have been kicking ourselves<br />
for not thinking of it.<br />
But today, we have with us the true<br />
creators of the fishsticks joke.<br />
Please welcome the comedy team<br />
of Cartman and Valmer!<br />
Hey, guys!<br />
Hi, Ellen.<br />
You guys like fishsticks?<br />
Thank you.<br />
No, really. Thank you.<br />
So, guys, I gotta ask.<br />
- How did you come up with this joke?<br />
- It was just...<br />
Comedy is like a game<br />
of racquetball, you know?<br />
You serve,<br />
the other person hits it back.<br />
It bounces off the wall,<br />
you back-hand it.<br />
It goes back and forth, back and forth.<br />
Then hopefully,<br />
you've got a good joke.<br />
Thank you.<br />
But, guys, this joke is so perfect.<br />
How could nobody think of it before?<br />
Well, Ellen, the tru...<br />
Truth of the matter is that there's<br />
never really been a team like us before.<br />
Let's be honest. Many people wouldn't<br />
work with someone who's disabled.<br />
But I see past that. I look beyond<br />
Jimmy's disabilities and find a bond.<br />
Which can unite us in comedy.<br />
Working with crippled people<br />
is really important.<br />
That's so great.<br />
- And are you crying, Jimmy?<br />
- Yes, ma'am.<br />
Don't cry, pal.<br />
You're gonna get me started.<br />
Anyway, what was important<br />
for us, as a team,<br />
was to make sure everyone knew<br />
that we came up with the joke,<br />
and not Carlos butthole Mencia.<br />
I see.<br />
And did you know<br />
that Carlos Mencia was found dead<br />
in his house this morning<br />
with fishsticks stuffed down<br />
his open neck hole?<br />
Excuse me?<br />
Get my jet ready.<br />
Looks like we got<br />
another inning to play.<br />
Check it out. We have<br />
offers from Van de Kamp's<br />
and Gorton's Fishermen<br />
to do commercials.<br />
It's always been my dream<br />
to go on a national TV show<br />
and talk about the craft of comedy.<br />
Yeah, that was cool, huh?<br />
Eric, there's something<br />
I really need to know.<br />
- What's that?<br />
- How do you live with yourself?<br />
You know you had nothing to do<br />
with the fishsticks joke,<br />
but you just keep pretending.<br />
How do you look at yourself<br />
in the... fucking mirror?<br />
That's what I want to know!<br />
So. Here it is.<br />
How do you take credit<br />
for something you didn't do?<br />
That is bullcrap, and you know it!<br />
I had just as much to do<br />
with the fishsticks joke as you did!<br />
- Dude, it's Puff Daddy!<br />
- Tie up these motherfuckers!<br />
I'm gonna ask you motherfuckers<br />
one more time.<br />
Why did you start<br />
these rumors about me?<br />
Please! I wasn't<br />
starting rumors about you.<br />
I don't even know you!<br />
Right. Everyone knows who I am!<br />
I wanna know how this got started!<br />
We were just talking<br />
about ideas for jokes and...<br />
So now it's we? A minute ago,<br />
you said you did it all yourself!<br />
Well, I just... I...<br />
We both came up with it together.<br />
You wanna know how it happened?<br />
- Hello, Jim.<br />
- Oh, boy, it's my best pal, Eric!<br />
- What you up to?<br />
- I'm trying to write jokes,<br />
but I'm not as funny as you,<br />
so it's tough.<br />
Maybe I can help you.<br />
We can team up!<br />
Really? You'd help me,<br />
even though I'm crippled?<br />
You are caring and not fat.<br />
Let's see. How about a joke that has<br />
something to do with fishsticks.<br />
You know, 'cause fishsticks<br />
sounds like fish dicks.<br />
Eric Cartman, you are handsome<br />
and not even remotely fat.<br />
Thanks.<br />
So what I'm thinking is...<br />
Do you like fishsticks<br />
in your mouth?<br />
What was that?<br />
Eric, you have to save us!<br />
An entire army of Jew robots!<br />
Oh, my God!<br />
What are Jew bots doing here?<br />
Flame on!<br />
Flame off!<br />
You saved everyone<br />
from the Jew bots!<br />
C'mon, Jimmy,<br />
we gotta finish that joke!<br />
... like fishsticks in your mouth?<br />
What are you, a gay fish? There!<br />
Eric! Incredible!<br />
Too bad I'm a dick and I'm gonna take<br />
all the credit. Suck it, bitch.<br />
Dammit. I guess it really<br />
was all me who came up with it.<br />
- What?<br />
- Let Jimmy go. It's all my fault.<br />
Jesus. He's gonna kill you!<br />
You won't even admit it was just me<br />
knowing you're gonna die?<br />
You really believe that you came up<br />
with it all on your own?<br />
Oh, my God. Wait.<br />
I totally get it now.<br />
What? I still don't get anything!<br />
All this time I've been mad at you,<br />
for trying to take<br />
all the credit, but...<br />
I realize that your ego has made you<br />
believe things happened differently.<br />
That's what Kyle was trying to tell me,<br />
that you have such a huge ego<br />
you do these mental gymnastics<br />
to make yourself a part of things.<br />
Really?<br />
I thought you were trying<br />
to Jew me out of my part of the credit,<br />
but now I realize that some people<br />
just have egos that are so out of whack<br />
that no matter what people tell them<br />
they can't accept<br />
the truth of who they are.<br />
Jimmy, I owe you an apology.<br />
I realize now you can't help<br />
believing you created the entire joke,<br />
because your ego<br />
won't let you think otherwise.<br />
I just have to accept that.<br />
Thanks, Eric.<br />
For being so understanding.<br />
He's right.<br />
For so long I've considered myself<br />
God's gift to the world, that I...<br />
couldn't take it<br />
when people made fun of me.<br />
But they weren't making fun of me.<br />
They were trying to help me.<br />
I understand what you did.<br />
Untie them, guys.<br />
I know what I have to do.<br />
You sure about this?<br />
It's time for me to stop running.<br />
I need to believe what people tell me.<br />
Let all my fans know I love 'em,<br />
but a gay fish just can't live<br />
in the outside world forever.<br />
Don't be sad for me, guys.<br />
I'm going home!<br />
<i>I've been so lonely, girl,<br />
I've been so sad and down<br />
<i>Couldn't understand<br />
why haters joked around<br />
<i>I wanted to be free<br />
with other creatures like me<br />
<i>And now I got my wish<br />
<i>'cause I know that I'm a gay fish<br />
<i>Motherfuckin' gay fish<br />
<i>Girl, I am a gay fish<br />
<i>Makin' love to other gay fish<br />
<i>All those lonely nights<br />
at the grocery store<br />
<i>In the frozen fish aisle<br />
feeling like a whore<br />
<i>'cause I wasn't being true<br />
even though everyone said<br />
<i>That I had to make a switch<br />
<i>Now I know that I'm a gay fish<br />
<i>Motherfuckin' gay fish<br />
<i>Girl, I am a gay fish<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-64322329799650888952012-01-02T01:58:00.003-08:002012-01-02T01:58:47.680-08:00S13E04 Eat, Pray, Queef<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Season 13 Episode 4<br />
"Eat, Pray, Queef"<br />
Oh, man, I thought<br />
that day would never end!<br />
Stan, you wanna maybe<br />
study together after school?<br />
- What? No way. Today's the day!<br />
- What day?<br />
<i>The day they're showing part two<br />
of last week's Terrance & Phillip show!<br />
They're gonna finally reveal who<br />
Phillip farted on to get out of jail!<br />
Oh, God, that show is so dumb.<br />
Dumb? Phillip farted<br />
in somebody's face super hard,<br />
but you don't know who<br />
until this week's episode!<br />
This has been<br />
the longest week of my life!<br />
Why do boys think farts are so funny?<br />
They're juvenile and gross!<br />
No, no, you're right, Bebe.<br />
Farts totally aren't funny.<br />
- Come on. We gotta go!<br />
- We're gonna learn the shocking truth<br />
- of who Phillip farted on.<br />
- Let's get to my house!<br />
God, they're so stupid.<br />
- Oh, boy!<br />
- I've waited all week for this.<br />
- That's my seat, Craig.<br />
- Dude, I was here first.<br />
It's my goddamn house.<br />
Now get your bitch ass on the floor!<br />
It's on!<br />
<i>You are watching the Canada Channel.<br />
The only channel in Canada.<br />
<i>Previously on Terrance & Phillip...<br />
<i>Terrance farted on the American<br />
president, but Phillip took the heat.<br />
It wasn't me!<br />
<i>And now, the thrilling conclusion<br />
of Terrance and Philip: Blood Rage...<br />
<i>will not be seen tonight.<br />
<i>So that we may bring you<br />
this Queef Sisters special!<br />
What?<br />
<i>Canada Channel presents<br />
The Queef Sisters.<br />
<i>Katherine and Katie Queef.<br />
<i>Two Toronto girls who love<br />
shooting air out of their vaginas.<br />
<i>It's a Queef Sisters special<br />
on Channel Canada.<br />
All right, Queef Sisters. It's time for<br />
your yearly pap smear and vag exam.<br />
- All right, doctor.<br />
- I'm ready, doctor.<br />
I'm just going to check for cysts.<br />
What the fuck is this?<br />
Now listen here!<br />
If you queef in my face<br />
then I refuse to be your gynecologist.<br />
I'm sorry, doctor.<br />
I had air trapped in my vagina.<br />
Just don't let it happen again.<br />
Now, I'm just going to check for cysts.<br />
Now stop it.<br />
That isn't funny.<br />
Babies come from there!<br />
- That's it. No pap smear for you.<br />
- But, doctor, what if I have cancer?<br />
You should have thought of that before<br />
you queefed in my face three times.<br />
<i>They aren't gonna show part two<br />
of the Terrance & Phillip show?<br />
Doctor, my sister<br />
is just being difficult.<br />
Maybe you could just<br />
examine my cervix instead?<br />
All right.<br />
Let me check for cysts.<br />
That does it, Queef Sisters.<br />
I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore!<br />
Katie, I do believe<br />
we made the doctor angry.<br />
<i>I guess so, Katherine.<br />
Dude, what the hell<br />
is this disgusting crap?<br />
What the the hell<br />
is this disgusting crap?<br />
<i>Queef Sisters?<br />
That's right. It's a hot new<br />
Canadian show we're trying out.<br />
You replaced our show with this?<br />
But they aren't funny.<br />
All they do is queef all the time.<br />
That's sick!<br />
You think farts are funny,<br />
why not queefs?<br />
- Because babies come from there!<br />
- Look, guys.<br />
Women are starting to be on the driving<br />
force behind the television audience.<br />
Women empowerment and the get-go,<br />
So we want to try to appeal<br />
to the female sensibility.<br />
Sorry, guys, but if you ask me,<br />
your farts have gotten stale.<br />
As a matter of fact,<br />
I will not hold!<br />
I've been hold for 35 minutes!<br />
We want some goddamn answers,<br />
that's what we want!<br />
<i>Why did you show that smut instead of<br />
the Terrance & Phillip conclusion,<br />
- you asshole!<br />
- What's going on?<br />
We're complaining<br />
to the Canada network,<br />
they put something gross on TV.<br />
You wanna tell me what's funny<br />
about two women shooting air<br />
from their vagina into a man's face?<br />
See, some of us were eating<br />
when you showed that!<br />
- I threw up on my way home.<br />
- Clyde threw up on his way home!<br />
What makes you think you can put<br />
that kind of filth on TV?<br />
- You tell 'em, Cartman!<br />
- What happened?<br />
<i>They didn't show part two<br />
of Terrance & Phillip.<br />
<i>They replaced it<br />
with The Queef Sisters.<br />
It was just 30 minutes<br />
of two women queefing on people.<br />
What? So farts are hysterical<br />
but queefs are gross?<br />
Little kids could have<br />
been watching that!<br />
What kind of network are you<br />
running there in Canada?<br />
Don't call me buddy.<br />
I'm not your buddy!<br />
I can't believe they're this upset.<br />
- God, they're annoying.<br />
- I don't even know what a queef is.<br />
It's when a woman blows<br />
air out her vag, Annie.<br />
That girl Samantha Dunskin, she can<br />
make herself queef whenever she wants.<br />
- Really?<br />
- Wait a minute. I've got an idea.<br />
And to that end,<br />
by resorting to filth and garbage,<br />
the Canada Channel has thusly...<br />
- Robbed us of our innocence.<br />
- Yes, that's good.<br />
"Robbed us of us innocence."<br />
Hey guys.<br />
- We have a little surprise for you.<br />
- What?<br />
Butters?<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
Well, how is he doing?<br />
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.<br />
OK, thank you<br />
for telling me, Mr. Stotch.<br />
I'll spread the word.<br />
Yeah, you take care. Bye.<br />
We need to cancel our plans, Sharon.<br />
There's gonna be an emergency<br />
all-parent meeting at the school.<br />
- Why? What's happened?<br />
- A girl at school, she...<br />
queefed on one<br />
of Stan's friends today.<br />
So?<br />
Hey, pal.<br />
I heard about<br />
what happened at school today.<br />
You wanna talk about it?<br />
Butters was just sitting there, dad.<br />
- He didn't even know it was coming.<br />
- I know, pal.<br />
Sometimes bad things<br />
happen to good people.<br />
But, you know,<br />
Butters is still Butters.<br />
And he needs you guys right<br />
now more than anybody.<br />
It was so gross, dad. What if<br />
another girl at school tries to...<br />
We're getting all the parents together<br />
and we're gonna take care of this, OK?<br />
Nothing like this<br />
will ever happen again.<br />
M'kay, parents,<br />
some of you have already heard,<br />
but most of you have not, m'kay.<br />
We've had a terrible<br />
incident occur at the school.<br />
Apparently a young girl went up<br />
to a young boy here at the school.<br />
M'kay, and queefed in his face.<br />
- How did this happen?<br />
- Where were the teachers?<br />
Wait a minute.<br />
Are you saying we're all here just<br />
because a girl queefed on a boy?<br />
- Just?<br />
- We're here to find out why!<br />
The question is<br />
how do we send a message<br />
to other girls in the school<br />
so this doesn't happen again.<br />
Hold on a minute.<br />
I think we're being<br />
a little drastic here.<br />
You know, I probably see<br />
a boy in my office<br />
once a week for farting on a girl.<br />
What does that have<br />
to do with anything?<br />
Our next guests have<br />
really taken America by storm.<br />
Their new hit show is being tuned in<br />
by women all over the world.<br />
Please welcome the Queef Sisters.<br />
- Hello, Regis!<br />
- Hello, Kelly!<br />
So, gals.<br />
- You seem to really like queefing.<br />
- Well, Regis, it's like this.<br />
We think that queefing is a perfectly<br />
normal female bodily function.<br />
Why not have fun with it?<br />
But I mean, really,<br />
isn't queefing a bit juvenile?<br />
Men enjoy farts, so why<br />
shouldn't women enjoy their queefs?<br />
That's right. We've written<br />
all about it in our new feminist book<br />
<i>Eat, Pray, Queef.<br />
Well, I think what you gals are doing<br />
for the feminist movement is amazing!<br />
And that's why women all over<br />
America stand behind you!<br />
Terrance and Phillip, you've put on<br />
a terrific show for many, many years.<br />
You've made Canada Channel<br />
what it is today.<br />
You're fired.<br />
Fired?<br />
Sorry, but this queefing thing<br />
is really catching on.<br />
Their ratings are through the roof.<br />
To pay them, we gotta get rid of you.<br />
Goodbye. Here's some cookies.<br />
Brian, don't do this!<br />
You can't let Canada Channel<br />
be soiled by that perverse garbage!<br />
You know it's sick!<br />
Yes, I know it's sick.<br />
To be honest, I gag every time<br />
one of them lets out a queef.<br />
But it's money, goddammit,<br />
and this channel needs it.<br />
I'm sorry, Terrance and Phillip.<br />
Your show is down.<br />
I always love<br />
when spring is on the way.<br />
Such a fun and inspiring<br />
time to decorate.<br />
Just like most women out there,<br />
I have really got into queefing lately.<br />
There are a lot of fun and interesting<br />
ways that we can decorate our queefs,<br />
and just make them<br />
more dynamic for the holidays.<br />
What we're gonna do is<br />
just cut up some paper, like this.<br />
And cut out little stars<br />
or little moon shapes.<br />
And then just... jam those up.<br />
And then I've got some simple<br />
sparkles from the hobby store.<br />
They come in these little tubes,<br />
which make them very easy to just shoot<br />
right up the ol'...<br />
There we are.<br />
And you can of course<br />
feel free to add little flowers,<br />
or maybe some festive easter grass.<br />
But the point is that when<br />
we're done, we can let one rip.<br />
See how pretty that was?<br />
It's a good thing.<br />
What was that?<br />
Excuse me. I...<br />
I had a little air trapped.<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
Did you just...<br />
At the table?<br />
Pardon me.<br />
Mom, gross!<br />
OK, that's enough, girls, all right?<br />
- I mean, how old are you, Sharon?<br />
- Sorry, it's just...<br />
It's kind of funny<br />
how much it bothers you.<br />
- Yeah, that's really funny.<br />
- Stop it, mom.<br />
Let's just try to have<br />
a nice dinner, OK?<br />
I'm sorry.<br />
Sharon Marsh!<br />
Excuse me.<br />
Hey mom, do you like Australia?<br />
'cause that was<br />
a Great Barrier Queef!<br />
- That's it. I'm leaving.<br />
- I'm going, too.<br />
Oh, please, Randy!<br />
How many times have you farted in bed<br />
and held my head under the covers?<br />
- That's completely different!<br />
- Yeah, it's different, mom!<br />
All right. Tell me<br />
exactly where the line is.<br />
OK, how about this?<br />
I have a friend Abbey.<br />
She had a baby boy and it farted.<br />
But she was actually still<br />
pregnant with the baby boy<br />
and it farted inside her.<br />
And then the gas from<br />
the baby's fart traveled down<br />
and shot out of her vagina!<br />
Come on, Stanley.<br />
Let's go.<br />
So when does that stop being funny?<br />
It stopped being funny the second<br />
that air came out her vagina, Sharon!<br />
Look, Katherine.<br />
I made queef cookies!<br />
But those are just<br />
ginger snaps, Katie.<br />
Could you get that, Katie?<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
Look, Katherine!<br />
It's Canadian television stars,<br />
Terrance and Phillip!<br />
Oh, my God.<br />
They're famous!<br />
Hello, sirs.<br />
It is such an honor to meet you.<br />
Oh, Katie, I'm getting<br />
all goose bumpy and queefy.<br />
May we come in, please.<br />
Oh, certainly.<br />
Though I fear we do look a mess.<br />
Pretty nice place you have here.<br />
Network must be paying you well.<br />
Oh, yes. The show is going<br />
about as well as it could!<br />
All right! Enough with the queefing!<br />
We didn't come for a social call.<br />
That's right.<br />
We've come to kill you.<br />
Why kill us?<br />
We love you!<br />
You've reduced Canada Channel<br />
to smut and toilet humor!<br />
Well, I suppose if we're going to die,<br />
we should die by the hands of our idols.<br />
Your idols?<br />
We grew up watching you.<br />
You meant the world to us.<br />
We used to fantasize about<br />
pleasing you in all different ways.<br />
Know that it is an honor<br />
to die by your hand.<br />
- I don't think I can do it.<br />
- Why not?<br />
Because I'm suddenly finding myself<br />
strangely attracted to Katherine.<br />
What? That's crazy, Terrance.<br />
Katie is obviously the hot one.<br />
Hey, Butters.<br />
How you holding up?<br />
Hey, fellas.<br />
We got you a present.<br />
I'll put it on your nightstand.<br />
None of us wanna touch you<br />
since you got queefed on.<br />
Thanks.<br />
Butters, I'm afraid<br />
things have gotten worse.<br />
All the women suddenly<br />
think that... queefing is funny.<br />
Calm down, Butters.<br />
The men are taking action.<br />
But we need to take your picture.<br />
My picture?<br />
You're going to be the face<br />
of queef abuse, Butters.<br />
So that we can make people<br />
open their eyes.<br />
Dammit! I'm trying<br />
to enjoy my wine, Katie!<br />
No, that was me, Phillip.<br />
I farted.<br />
Oh, this is a dream come true!<br />
I've always wanted to meet you, Phillip!<br />
Phillip?<br />
I'm Terrance.<br />
- What? I thought you were Terrance!<br />
- No, I'm Phillip!<br />
Oh, dear.<br />
A disgusting and violating<br />
trend is taking over our city,<br />
our state, our nation.<br />
Queefing has become<br />
an acceptable evil.<br />
Last week at our school, a girl<br />
queefed right into our friend's face.<br />
That is why we are here to tell you<br />
it's not a joke.<br />
On television, us children<br />
are starting to see and hear<br />
more and more graphic queefing.<br />
I would like to take<br />
this opportunity to explain<br />
why farts are funny<br />
and queefs are not.<br />
Men have always joked about farts<br />
and we, in fact, name our farts.<br />
We have the squeaker.<br />
And then there's the fog horn.<br />
And the "don't be scared".<br />
- And of course there's the...<br />
- Excuse me!<br />
If that really is your argument,<br />
it isn't a very sound one.<br />
Women name their queefs, too.<br />
- That's right!<br />
- Of course, we do!<br />
For instance,<br />
we have the sneezing unicorn.<br />
And the resuscitator.<br />
- Sick! Stop it, lady!<br />
- That's not the same!<br />
We've got the Chinese firecracker.<br />
<i>That's all well and good,<br />
but we can do The Road Warrior.<br />
<i>No!<br />
We go in!<br />
<i>We kill!<br />
<i>No more talk!<br />
We kill!<br />
<i>Soon, my dog of war!<br />
But we have to do it my way!<br />
<i>Losers!<br />
Losers wait!<br />
Jesus Christ!<br />
You stupid bitch!<br />
What the fuck is wrong with you?<br />
I'm not your sex toy,<br />
you fucking pig!<br />
You don't queef in bed<br />
while we're having sex!<br />
Fuck you!<br />
You don't fucking slap me!<br />
Could you please keep it down.<br />
We're trying to have sex over here.<br />
She queefed while<br />
we were having sex!<br />
- Sick!<br />
- What's the big deal?<br />
I've been queefing<br />
in this bed the entire time!<br />
What? Gross!<br />
How dare you!<br />
Get out! Get out, both of you!<br />
We never want to see you again!<br />
After everything we've been through?<br />
What the hell am I gonna do, Phillip?<br />
She makes me so mad sometimes.<br />
Katherine just won't stop queefing.<br />
But I don't know<br />
if I can live without her.<br />
Katie, I'm sorry.<br />
- I was wrong.<br />
- Me too, Katherine.<br />
I don't love your queefs.<br />
But dammit, I love you.<br />
- Oh, Terrance!<br />
- Phillip!<br />
Oh, my God!<br />
Oh, my God! Stan!<br />
Stan, we did it!<br />
Colorado Senate moves<br />
to ban queefing!<br />
- No way! We did it?<br />
- All right, son!<br />
What's going on?<br />
Read it and weep, Sharon!<br />
No more queefing!<br />
Well, congratulations, guys.<br />
Looks like you got us.<br />
Good job.<br />
Come on. Just 'cause<br />
you can't queef anymore...<br />
You really think women cared<br />
that much about queefing?<br />
Is that really what you think<br />
this has all been about?<br />
This has been about women<br />
having a little bit of fun for once<br />
at your expense.<br />
For just this one time,<br />
we could be the immature ones<br />
to make you feel uncomfortable.<br />
But, no. You just<br />
couldn't let us have<br />
that one little thing, could you?<br />
Because even though things<br />
are getting better for women,<br />
you still think of us<br />
as lesser people sometimes,<br />
and we always have to prove<br />
ourselves twice as hard.<br />
Congratulations, guys,<br />
for getting your way.<br />
Again.<br />
Mom, we didn't mean...<br />
Boy, oh, boy.<br />
I think we might have<br />
screwed up royal, Stan.<br />
Yeah. We all got so caught up<br />
in how we felt that we didn't realize<br />
women actually cared about<br />
something a lot deeper.<br />
Stan, let's call the guys together.<br />
Maybe we can make this right.<br />
<i>There's a time in our lives<br />
<i>when we must listen<br />
to the oppressed.<br />
<i>And realize<br />
<i>we've been keeping women down.<br />
<i>They have power<br />
and they have courage.<br />
<i>And we must all stand by the belief<br />
<i>that a woman is strong<br />
<i>and she has the right to queef.<br />
<i>Fly free.<br />
<i>Free to queef aloud.<br />
<i>Fly free.<br />
<i>Let every queef show<br />
that you're proud.<br />
<i>You faced so many challenges<br />
<i>to put an end to your grief.<br />
<i>You're a woman now<br />
<i>and you are free to queef.<br />
<i>It's time for equality.<br />
<i>We must give them<br />
the respect they deserve.<br />
<i>They're just the same as you and me.<br />
<i>Their rights must be preserved.<br />
<i>Queef free!<br />
<i>Every woman has the right.<br />
<i>Queef free.<br />
<i>Let your queefing star shine bright.<br />
<i>You are woman, hear you roar.<br />
<i>Queefing too loud to ignore.<br />
<i>Queef a little each day<br />
<i>and let your soul take flight.<br />
<i>Queef free!<br />
For this reason, a man<br />
will leave his father and mother,<br />
and be united to his wife,<br />
and the two will become one flesh.<br />
Stop it, Katherine!<br />
This is a serious moment.<br />
Therefore what God<br />
has joined together, let no man...<br />
Oh, sick!<br />
That's it!<br />
I pronounce you farts and queefs!<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1980331119974499869.post-10840826844643719852012-01-02T01:58:00.001-08:002012-01-02T01:58:26.080-08:00S13E03 Margaritaville<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
Park Season13 Episode03</font><br />
Do I really have to do this,dad?<br />
Stan,now more than ever you need to<br />
understand the importance of saving money.<br />
But grandma said I could use<br />
this money to buy whatever I want.<br />
Okay,next,please.<br />
Go on,stanley.<br />
How can I help you,young man?<br />
I got $100 check from my grandma.<br />
And my dad said I need to put it in<br />
the bank so it can grow over the years.<br />
Well,that's fantastic. A<br />
really smart decision,young man.<br />
We can put that check in<br />
a money market mutual fund,<br />
Then we'll reinvest the earnings<br />
into foreign currency accounts<br />
with come can pounding<br />
interest and it's gone!<br />
Uhh,what?<br />
It's gone. It's all gone.<br />
What's all gone?<br />
The money in your account. It<br />
didn't do too well. It's gone.<br />
What do you mean? I have $100.<br />
Not anymore,you don't. Poof!<br />
Well,what can I do<br />
to get back my --<br />
i'm sorry,sir,but this line<br />
is for bank members only.<br />
I just opened an account!<br />
Do you have any money<br />
invested with this bank?<br />
No,you just lost it all.<br />
Then please stand aside for people<br />
who actually have money with us.<br />
Next,please.<br />
Hello,mrs. Farnickle. How are you today?<br />
Making a deposit,are we?<br />
Great. We can just put that into your retirement<br />
at and make it go to work for you and it's gone.<br />
What?<br />
Sorry,yeah. That's gone.<br />
Please step aside for people who actually<br />
have money with the bank. Next,please.<br />
Dad!<br />
Hey,i'm trying to teach my son<br />
about the importance of savings.<br />
You already lost his money?<br />
Oh,mr.marsh! Don't worry.<br />
We can just transfer money from your account and<br />
into a portfolio with your son's -- and it's gone!<br />
This line is for people who<br />
have money with the bank only.<br />
Please step aside.<br />
This is the 9 news special report.<br />
Recession! A nation in peril.<br />
An economic cris has hit south park<br />
and the nation like never before.<br />
Another south park bank has closed<br />
down,leaving thousands of people in debt.<br />
It's just crazy,you know?<br />
Everyone's affected by it.<br />
It's like all the money just vanished.<br />
It's really terrifying. We've got<br />
no money to pay our mortgage now.<br />
We could very easily lose our house.<br />
Hi,grandma.<br />
First,the money started going and<br />
now everyone's getting laid off work.<br />
They took our jobs!<br />
Just how far will the economy fall?<br />
We asked economic reporter<br />
dan banks for his assessment.<br />
We'll have the rest of dan's<br />
interview tonight at 10:00.<br />
All right,everyone,eat up.<br />
Oh,jesus christ.<br />
Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?<br />
You said we had to be<br />
careful with our money.<br />
I've got nothing for a food budget!<br />
Mom,dad,how come there's<br />
suddenly no money?<br />
I'll tell you what happened,son.<br />
See,there's a bunch of idiot s out there<br />
who weren't happy with what they had.<br />
They wanted a bigger house and materialistic<br />
things that they didn't even need.<br />
People with no money who got loans to buy<br />
frivolous things they had no business buying.<br />
And these assholes just blindly<br />
started buying any stupid thing<br />
That looked appealing because<br />
they thought money was endless.<br />
It goes back to when the government had the idea<br />
that everyone in america deserves to own a house.<br />
So we have people having a hard time paying<br />
their loans meaning less money coming in.<br />
And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this<br />
frivolous spending they were mocking the economy.<br />
And they made the economy very angry.<br />
We're all feeling the economy's vengeance<br />
because of materialistic heathens<br />
who did stupid things with their money.<br />
Do you understand,son?<br />
Yeah. I think I get it.<br />
And so why is our economy failing us?<br />
Because the government kept<br />
interest rates too low for too long!<br />
The government took our economy for granted<br />
and now we are all here paying the price!<br />
How long will we sit and<br />
watch our economy fall --<br />
And so I say to you,do not listen<br />
to the wall street brokers for they<br />
are the ones who put<br />
us in this situation!<br />
Fat cats with corporate greed.<br />
- They are the ones who knowingly drove us down this pathway of doom.<br />
- and so where has all the money gone?<br />
It must have gone somewhere.<br />
The answer is obvious,my<br />
friends. It is the jews!<br />
Covetous jews,who have taken all our<br />
money and hoarded it for themselves.<br />
Hidden all the cash in some secret jew cave<br />
that they built,probably back in the early '60s.<br />
And now we hear all different people casting all<br />
different kinds of blame from person to person.<br />
But the fault lies in all of you. You!<br />
Who bought that $300,000 house when<br />
you only had $20,000 to put down. You!<br />
Who bought that third car even though<br />
only two people in your home drive.<br />
It is time to stop pointing fingers.<br />
Finger-pointing gets us nowhere. Steve!<br />
We have mocked our economy and now the<br />
economy has cast its vengeance upon us all.<br />
He's right. This is the first<br />
guy to actually make sense.<br />
Yeah,it is an angry<br />
and unforgiving economy.<br />
To repent we must stop<br />
frivolous spending.<br />
Instead of paying for<br />
cable,let us watch clouds!<br />
Instead of buying clothes,bear<br />
but sheets from thine beds!<br />
Cut spending to only the bare<br />
essentials -- water and bread.<br />
And margaritas,yeah!<br />
Hello,young man. Welcome to<br />
sur la table. Can I help you?<br />
Yeah. I wanna return this<br />
margaritaville my stupid dad bought.<br />
Oh,that's all we get anymore,returns.<br />
Could you please put the<br />
receipt here on this table?<br />
Sorry,our computers are slow today.<br />
We need a new ethernet cable.<br />
Oh,i'm sorry,sir. I'd like to give you a<br />
refund,but i'm afraid that's not doable.<br />
- What?<br />
- I said i'm not able,sir.<br />
You see,this margaritaville was<br />
purchased with a payment plan.<br />
So?<br />
Well,an outside financing company<br />
handles those payment plans.<br />
Customers just pay for some of the machine<br />
and the finance company pays for the rest.<br />
Well,can't I just return it and<br />
get the money my dad put in back?<br />
Hmm,that's improbable,but<br />
not impossible.<br />
I'm not really sure how it works.<br />
You'll have to speak with<br />
the people at the top.<br />
I can give you the finance company's<br />
address if that's agreeable with you.<br />
We have become lovers of pleasure,rather<br />
than lovers of the economy.<br />
There are those who will say<br />
that the economy has forsaken us.<br />
Nay you hath forsaken the economy!<br />
And now you know the economy's wrath.<br />
Oh,thoust can shop in<br />
a sporting goods store,<br />
But knowest thou that the economy will<br />
take away thy broncos cap from thy head.<br />
You mocked the economy without fear.<br />
Thine own stockbrokers,now<br />
lie dead by their own hand.<br />
And thou knowest that thy<br />
stockbroker did not fear the economy.<br />
Well,here we are,my friends.<br />
You have brought the economy's<br />
vengeance upon yourselves.<br />
What can we do,randy?<br />
Yes! Tell us! What do we<br />
do? Tell us what to do!<br />
We must all wear sheets instead of<br />
buying clothes that need detergent.<br />
Instead of cars that take gasoline,we<br />
can get around on lamas from drake's farm.<br />
Instead of video games that take batteries<br />
and software,our kids can play with squirrels!<br />
We must let the economy know that<br />
we are capable of respecting it.<br />
No more needless spending!<br />
The economy is our shepherd.<br />
We shall not want!<br />
Morning,ted.<br />
Morning,al.<br />
Well,this sucks.<br />
Sure was better when our<br />
parents were buying us stuff.<br />
Of all the times for people to<br />
decide to stop buying things,<br />
It has to be the week the grand theft<br />
auto 4 comes out for nintendo ds!<br />
You want something<br />
new every week,fat ass.<br />
Don't you fraternize me!<br />
This is all your fault,you know.<br />
My fault?<br />
The jews took all the<br />
money away and they --<br />
don't even start! Don't<br />
even start,cartman!<br />
Well,why are we wearing bed sheets<br />
and playing with squirrels,kyle?<br />
Not because of the<br />
jews,butters! Who told you that?<br />
Well,eric did!<br />
Just tell us where the cave is,kyle.<br />
Now look!<br />
The reason we're in this situation<br />
is because people are being stupid!<br />
The economy isn't some vengeable<br />
being that takes things away from us.<br />
The economy is just made up by people.<br />
And people have just<br />
lost their faith in it.<br />
What people really should<br />
be doing is spending more.<br />
Spending is fine!<br />
We best speak with the council.<br />
Tell them a young jew is speaking<br />
heresy towards the economy.<br />
can I help you?<br />
I want to return this margaritaville.<br />
Okay. Let me send you into josh.<br />
Hey,welcome to big<br />
orange finance company!<br />
Yeah,have a seat. You want some carmex?<br />
No thanks.<br />
I want to return this margaritaville and the guy at sur<br />
la table said that you are the company that financed it.<br />
Ooh,yeah. No. You know what? No,yeah.<br />
What?<br />
Yeah,we can't give you your<br />
money back for that. Yeah,no.<br />
You'd have to talk to the<br />
people on wall street. Yeah.<br />
Wall street?<br />
Yeah,no,see what I do is find americans who want<br />
a frozen beverage machine but can't afford one.<br />
And I hook them up with investors who want to get<br />
into the margaritaville payment plan business,yeah.<br />
So?<br />
Yeah,so the problem is your margaritaville<br />
payment plan has been combined<br />
With thousands of others into<br />
one big margaritaville security.<br />
Yeah,no. Yeah. No,yeah.<br />
The entire town has given<br />
over to your ways,mr. Chairman.<br />
Everyone has even stopped using electricity<br />
so as to stop paying electrical bills.<br />
You've really done an<br />
amazing thing,mr. Marsh.<br />
People have learned to hold on to their money so as<br />
to not feel the sting of the economy's mighty sword.<br />
I am pretty smart,yeah.<br />
But I have assembled this economic committee<br />
to make sure everyone sticks to my new plan.<br />
We've got guards posted at the malls to make<br />
sure nobody gets tempted to buy dumb stuff.<br />
And pat saltzman is doing house checks to make<br />
sure nobody's ordering anything stupid online.<br />
Then perhaps soon our<br />
economy will return to us.<br />
Council,i bring news of discord!<br />
A young jew was in the town square<br />
speaking blasphemy about the economy.<br />
What?<br />
He was saying that your ideas are<br />
false and the economy is not vengeful!<br />
He was rallying people to spend more!<br />
Spend more? What mockery is this?<br />
Relax,father maxi.<br />
What harm can one jew do against<br />
our economic recovery movement?<br />
I had a dream last night.<br />
I was in a field,and I had grand theft<br />
auto chinatown wars right next to me.<br />
But then the sky went black and grand theft<br />
auto chinatown wars just melted in my hands.<br />
What's that?<br />
Excuse me. We need to<br />
borrow your squirrels!<br />
- What?<br />
- No! No,please!<br />
You have sinned!<br />
Oh,jesus,i'm sorry. Please!<br />
What's going on?<br />
Garrison,you have brought your<br />
filth to this town for the last time!<br />
What did he do?<br />
Your teacher was caught buying a kitchen<br />
aid stand mixer at bed,bath and beyond.<br />
Take thy punishment,heathen!<br />
Hey,stop it! Stop!<br />
Move aside,kid. He must<br />
pay for his stand mixer.<br />
C'mon,this is ridiculous!<br />
What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels<br />
at a man who has angered the economy?<br />
Just have a little compassion,huh?<br />
I mean,everyone's gone out and bought<br />
something stupid. It's not so bad.<br />
Whichever of you guys has never<br />
bought anything frivolous,go ahead<br />
And huck the next squirrel<br />
excuse me? Excuse me!<br />
I'd like to return this har mark,please.<br />
Margaritaville?<br />
My dad bought it on a payment plan<br />
that was set up by a finance company<br />
Which got their principal<br />
investors from somebody here.<br />
Oh,that makes sense.<br />
It does?<br />
You see,son,we lumped thousands of these<br />
margaritaville installment plans together<br />
into margaritaville based securities,<br />
Then chopped those securities up in a<br />
way that we could sell them to banks.<br />
So I can return it to the bank?<br />
Nope. Because a bunch of people like you<br />
are defaulting on their margaritavilles<br />
So the government had to buy the<br />
margaritaville assets from the banks.<br />
What?<br />
Just talk to the treasury<br />
department. In d.c.<br />
They're the ones who really<br />
understand how all this works.<br />
Oh,sell,sell,sell,sell!<br />
Listen,this is all you need to know.<br />
The economy is not a<br />
supernatural all-knowing entity.<br />
The economy is just an idea made<br />
up by people thousands of years ago.<br />
The economy is not<br />
real and yet it is real.<br />
Nowadays,they'll give credit cards to<br />
practically anyone who applies for them.<br />
I applied for this<br />
yesterday to prove a point.<br />
It is an american express platinum card.<br />
It has no spending limb.<br />
Do not be afraid!<br />
This is only plastic.<br />
It's just something made up by people.<br />
Truly meaningless until<br />
we put our faith in it.<br />
Faith is what makes<br />
an economy economist.<br />
Without faith,it is only<br />
plastic cards and paper money.<br />
By all report,the young<br />
jew is not letting up.<br />
He is still going around convincing people<br />
to have faith in the economy by shopping.<br />
We've done everything we can and<br />
yet the economy has not improved.<br />
Worse,it has declined.<br />
Poor bart here just lost his<br />
job at little caesar's pizza.<br />
Our tireless work is obviously<br />
being undermined by this one jew.<br />
Why does he go around pretending to<br />
know the true will of the economy?<br />
Perhaps he is the economy's<br />
only son,sent to save us.<br />
Are you retarded,stotch!<br />
The economy is omnipotent.<br />
Which means it can do anything.<br />
So saying it would be<br />
limiting to one son is stupid!<br />
That is stupid,yeah.<br />
And going around telling<br />
people to shop is dangerous.<br />
Well,then there's only one option.<br />
We have to kill the jew.<br />
Yep,i think we gotta kill the jew.<br />
I don't know. He's got a lot of support.<br />
It might be hard to even catch this jew.<br />
Did somebody say "catch a jew"?<br />
The person you are after might be<br />
hard to get,but I can bring him to you.<br />
And all I want in return<br />
is chinatown wars for<br />
a handheld nintendo sd<br />
uh,how can we help you,young man?<br />
I want to return this margaritaville.<br />
My dad bought it on a payment<br />
plan set up by a finance company<br />
That got investors from wall street<br />
who combined it into securities,sold<br />
to banks who transferred it to you.<br />
Ohhh,that makes sense.<br />
No problem. We just need<br />
to consult the chart.<br />
We can determine your property's<br />
value and we'll be done.<br />
Really? Thank you.<br />
Be right back<br />
excellent news,sir.<br />
We've determined the investment value of<br />
your margaritaville to be $90 trillion!<br />
What?<br />
Hey,what's the matter,kyle?<br />
You seem bummed out.<br />
I just have a feeling this might<br />
be the last time we get to do this.<br />
Don't worry,kyle. We're not<br />
gonna let people kill you.<br />
We'll keep you hidden forever!<br />
I can't just hide my whole life,butters.<br />
And besides,i have this strange feel hag<br />
one of you is gonna totally betray me.<br />
All right,whoever is thinking of<br />
betraying kyle,that is not cool.<br />
That's frickin' lame,dude.<br />
Kyle's trying to get<br />
the economy going again.<br />
If somebody is thinking of stabbing<br />
him in the back,you're being a dick.<br />
Go ahead,kyle.<br />
Whoever it might happen to be,i'm<br />
not giving him the opportunity.<br />
Tomorrow,i'm going to<br />
have to do something.<br />
Something i've known I would have<br />
to do to restore people's faith.<br />
Kyle,please. For sake,don't<br />
do anything drastic.<br />
There's no choice anymore,guys.<br />
Don't worry about me.<br />
I've been preparing for<br />
this for a while now.<br />
No,no,no. Excuse me. I don't understand.<br />
How can this stupid thing<br />
be worth $90 trillion?<br />
What,you think it's worth more?<br />
No! Dude,that doesn't make sense.<br />
Well,you don't get $90 trillion,but<br />
the chart says that's what it's worth.<br />
Oh,oh,problem! Problem again!<br />
What is it now?<br />
Another insurance company<br />
is about to go under.<br />
If they do,people could lose millions.<br />
Okay. No problem. We<br />
better consult the chart.<br />
Sir,another insurance<br />
company is going under.<br />
Now determining most prudent<br />
move for insurance company!<br />
Bailout!<br />
Most prudent move is a bailout!<br />
Bailout the insurance company!<br />
It's a miracle.<br />
Why would someone do this?<br />
What is this? What is going on?<br />
There. Look.<br />
It's the jew.<br />
Somehow he got a platinum<br />
amex with no spending limit.<br />
What's he doing?<br />
He's paying for everyone's debts.<br />
Hey,thanks,kid. This<br />
is really nice of you.<br />
But that's impossible.<br />
Why would he do this?<br />
So that people have money to spend.<br />
Kyle! Kyle,you have to stop this!<br />
It's okay,ma.<br />
No,kyle,you'll be in debt<br />
for the rest of your life.<br />
Please,somebody,get him to stop!<br />
Uh,there's about $17,000 worth here<br />
he paid for our debts so<br />
we could spend once more.<br />
He's dead.<br />
No,he's just passed out.<br />
We should get him to bed.<br />
For the first time in almost a year,the economy in<br />
south park has take an small,but noticeable upturn.<br />
Stores and shopping malls are open again as newly<br />
debt-free people feel safe to make purchases.<br />
The new margaritaville!<br />
With salsa dispenser!<br />
Just pour your favorite salsa in the top<br />
and it comes out the dispenser at the bottom!<br />
Oh,we need this!<br />
Are we out of the woods yet?<br />
Only time will tell.<br />
But we must not forget the sacrifice<br />
one person made to restore our faith<br />
And make us believe in<br />
the economy once again.<br />
The person we must thank every<br />
day for his amazing sacrifice --<br />
barack obama.<br />
Ah.come on.<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0