3 Ocak 2012 Salı

S14E01 Sexual Healing


Put it down, you !
Put the golf club down,
you crazy bitch!
You a mother .
I never should have
never married-A you!
You're overreacting,
you stupid swedish cow!
Then a why the are you a
getting the text messages
From some low-Life
hooker on thanksgiving?
God shut up!
Shut up!
Where are my pills?!
Oh, yeah, take more vicodin, Tiger!
That'll help!
Will you just listen to me?
Listen to this!
You whore!
Where the do you
think you're going?
I'm getting the away from you!
Open the door, you mother !
Yeah, chase after me
in the car, Kenny!
What are you guys doing?
Dude, check it out.
It's ea sports Tiger woods
pga tour 11 for xbox.
you !
Stop breaking through
the window, Kenny!
Woo, i'm gonna crash!
I'm gonna crash!
Look what you did, you crazy !
Serves a you right!
You cheating a turd-A!
Oh, dude, was that a combo move?
Yeah, dude, i you up!
Oh dude, here come the cops!
We gotta lie to them! Hit x to lie!
Wow, i didn't know golf
games were this cool!
Ude,a sports dithlvessesetime
I've gathered you together here
Because you are the best minds
our country has to offer.
As you have all seen on the news,
Our country is facing
a major crisis.
And we need to find
out what's causing it.
Why!
Why are rich successful
men suddenly going out
And trying to have sex
with lots of women.
Tiger woods was only
the most prevalent,
But our data shows that
the numbers are growing.
David letterman,
and before that bill clinton.
There is a pattern here, people.
Why would a man who's famous
and makes tons of money
Use that to try and have sex
with lots of different women?
And these rich celebrities have
perfectly good wives at home!
Why would they even think
of sex with others?
Dammit.
I want answers.
We believe that it may be an
outbreak of sex addiction, sir.
Sex a woo-Hoo?
It's a new phenomena we don't
completely understand yet.
But it seems to make
people --Different.
Of course, we all know the normal healthy
male thinks only of sex occasionally
And has no desire for sex
with multiple partners.
Naturally. Right.
Of course. Like me, yes --
Definitely true.
Yes, we all know that, go on.
But in the sex addict,
their en tire lives are
Consumed with thoughts
of wanting more and more.
The mere sight of an attractive woman
can make him think about sex with her.
But what about love?
How could tons of fame and money
make you forget about love?
What could be cau this
outbreak of sexual addiction?
It could be caused by
something in the water supply.
Perhaps even by global warming.
Or cooling.
Yes.
If so, then the disease could
start to affect our children.
That does it.
I want health screenings at
all our nation's schools.
We need to find out if any young
people might be carrying this disease.
Good afternoon, students.
We are going to be doing
a health screening today.
It won't take long,
and will be relatively painless,
But we need to see if any
students are showing symptoms.
In a moment, i am going to
show you a suggestive picture,
And then i am going to ask you
a question about the picture.
Alright.Ready?
Here we go.
Woa. Ew!
What? Woo-Hoo!
Jesus, dude --
Holy moly.
What's that between the lady legs?
It's all bushy!
Please just study the picture
the best you can, students.
I will then ask a question which you
will answer on the paper provided.
I never seen that part of a lady!
Do they all got a hedge
like that? Do they?
Okay, very good.
Now, what color -- Was the
handkerchief in the nice lady's nd ha?
Write down your answer please.
What color was the handkerchief
in the nice the lady's hand.
Did you see the bush on that lady?
What the heck was that?
Very good. Turn your
answers over, please.
Wiz, it was like almost
up to her belly button.
Alright, now.
Who answered that the
handkerchief was yellow?
Very good.Very good indeed.
Now i'd like to see,
who answered 'what handkerchief?'
Ah ha. You three boys,
please come with me.
I didn't see a handkerchief.
Did you see a handkerchief Kenny?
no, i wasn't looking
at a handkerchief!
I'm sorry boys,
but i'm afraid you three
Have tested positive
for sex addiction.
What?
Oh no!
Who cares.
We are going to have to
send you home, i'm afraid.
Wait, we're sex addicts?
Are you sure?
Our nice lady with
a handkerchief test
Is extremely comprehensive
and thorough.
I'm sorry, but you are
simply too dangerous
To have around normal,
well-Adjusted students.
It was just...
so big and bushy, sir!
Why does it look like that?
So what happens to us now?
A life of desperation
and anguish, i'm afraid.
Your addiction will start off slowly,
magazines, internet sites.
But then as you keep
chasing your high
Your tastes will get
more and more dangerous.
Most likely you will end up
Going the way of david
carradine and michael hutcnce.
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Autoerotic asphyxiation?
What's that?
I don't want to go into
too much detail, but
You choke yourself with
a belt around your neck,
While masturbating,
dressed up like batman or something.
Then you pass out from lack of air,
And apparently it makes
your orgasm super awesome.
Really?
Oh no.
I don't wanna have to
buy a batman costume!
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the past several days
We have been screening our nation's
schools for signs of sex addition.
The results of our tests are
troubling to say the least.
Doctor tonton?
In fourth graders, 5% of male
students were found to be sex addicts.
By sixth grade,
the number goes up to 30%!
At high schools, nearly 91% of male
students answered 'what handkerchief?'
We are facing a sex addiction
epidemic in our country.
Young people all over
america are infected
And at an extreme risk to themselves
and to the people around them.
They are leading
lives f et pain. Hn
And so these infe
edoyshn sn tly inshg
They could be having sex all the
time with lots of different people?
It appears so.
The poor bastards.
But what about us,
normal hn healthadults?
Are we at risk of exposure?
We don't believe so.
In adult males,
for whatever reason,
Sex addiction only seems to be problematic
amongst rich, successful celebrities.
However, we are still
collecting data.
Why would wealth or success
cause a man to go out
And have sex with
everyone he could?
Whatever is causing this ou tbreak
We guarantee we will find it.
Kenny, it's time for dinner!
Kenny?
Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no
moaning of the bar,
When i put out to sea.
Oh my god, it's true.
But such a tide as
moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out
the boundless deep. There!
It was like that!
It looked just like that!
Just like this but smaller!
And right in the place her
underwear shoulda been!
If i trim it down,
it'll look right.
Butters, Butters, stop it!
But this is what i
keep seeing in my head!
Butters, we are sick,
don't you get it?
We're going to end
up just like Kenny!
No, if i can just see
it again i'll be fine!
No!
Butters stop!
Leave me alone!
Stop it!
Stop!
Oh god!
Oh god, help us!
Tesererin lp hiins dre.
He'll be hoping for a birdie here.
Concentration is key.
You a mother a !
I never should have married a you!
God dammit stop it!
How many women did you ?
How many?
Oh dude, i clocked you!
I told you this game
was sweet, dude.
Hang on, hang on.
I'm switching to a seven iron --
Oh!
Oh, man i lost another endorsement!
How'd you do that?
Hit a and x together.
Round two!
Fight!
You're going down, elin!
I don't think so dude.
I got the prenup power up.
Prenup power up!
Oh no!
Prenup, weak!
When did you get that power up?!
Alright, sex addicts!
What other destructive
behaviors did we engage in,
Which lead to our
ultimate downfall?
Anyone have another example?
Let's see.
How about... david!
Ho, ho, uh... having
sex with employees.
Sex, with, employees,
Definitely a danger there.
What else?
Mr.  Clinton?
Putting cigars in girls vaginas.
Very good, billy.
Cigars in vaginas not
the best idea there.
Watching internet porn
all day every day?
Spot on, charlie sheen,
Excessive internet porn.
Now, the reason we
are making this list
Is that we have new members today!
I want you all to welcome
Kyle and bummers!
Hello. Hey Kyle.Hi Kyle, Butters.
Would you care to share
your stories with us, boys?
Well, i just found
out i'm a sex addict.
I'm so scared.
I haven't even told my mom yet.
Does your mom have big tits?
Billy!
Sorry.
Me, i just... i just can't
stop thinking about bush.
I heard that.
I mean, it's like... what is it?
What does it mean?
Why would there be
a bush right there?
Is it a live bush?
Are there berries?
Mister duchovny please
stop jerking off.
Aww gee wiz.
To better understand the
sex addiction outbreak,
We have been running
tests on chimpanzees.
You can see that this entire community
of specimens are getting along normally,
Some pairing off,
others on their own.
Now, see this chimp here.
An average, normal adult male.
Blending in seamlessly
with the others.
Now watch.
We are going to give
it a lot of money.
Go ahead.
My god!
Yes.
The subject is now
isolated and shunned.
Incredible.
And what is it doing now?
Making a public apology
on its talk show.
Alrighty!
Now, we all know the
destructive behavior
That got us into this
predicament, don't we?
What is the main thing we've
all le arned to avoid?
Yes, Tiger!
Avoid drugs... and alcohol?
Ugh.
No, no, Tiger.
You still aren't getting it.
In order to make sure we are no longer
destroying our lives with any of
theseehaviot ,
Mus m avoid... anyone...
avoid getting... anyone?
Caught.
Yes, michael douglas,
Everyone?
Getting caught.
Very good!
You are all here in therapy
because you got caught!
So, how to we avoid getting caught.
Ben roethlisberger.
Don't screw girls in
the public bathrooms?
When they ask you for money,
pay them.
Good, yes.
> Woa, woa, hang on.
We shouldn't be learning
how to not get caught.
We have to take responsibility
for our actions.
What the are you talking about?
Wul, i mean, we have to
accept that we have a problem
And put the blame
completely on ourselves.
I mean, maybe this isn't
really even a disease.
Yeah, it's me -- We've got
a turd in the punch bowl.
I repeat, we have a
turd in the punch bowl.
Mr. President, in every test
the results were the same.
The monkeys who were given cash
Always acted out their sexual
addiction to dangerous levels.
It appears that money has a direct
affect on the virus' ability to develop.
So we must keep our nation's youth
away from money and success.
No good mr. President,
Because we've learned that
sex addicts will find ways
To make money and become successful
in order to feed their addiction.
You mean boys will start
working tog rdnchd successful
Just so they can one day
have sex with lots of women?
Yes.
That's why we decided to look
at the cash itself for clues.
We tried to find something
in hundred dollar bills
That couldn explain why
this is happening now.
Then we looked at the
backside and found this.Hn
Independence hall,
the birthplace of our country.
We believe something is
happening at independence hall
That gives money
its power over men.
Independence hall,
independence day, aliens...
Gentlemen, i might know what's
causing the sex addiction outbreak.
This is highly classified,
but in 1947,
A flying saucer was discovered
in roswell, new mexico.
Two deceased alien bodies were recovered
and hidden from public knowledge.
They carried a virus with them,
A virus that apparently
was only barely stopped
From spreading all
over the country.
And you think these aliens
could be back with a new virus,
One originating from
independence hall
Causing rich successful men to
have sex with lots of women?
It's the only explanation
that makes any sense.
I want to say that
i am deeply sorry
For my irresponsible
and selfish behavior.
I know i have severely
disappointed all of you.
Some have speculated that my wife
Somehow hurt or attacked
me on thanksgiving night.
It angers me that people would
fabricate a story like that.
She has shown nothing
but grace and poise.
You mother !
Oh no!
I should have never married you!
Ahggh, stop it!
A porn star?
You screwed a porn star?
Oh dude, you found another gis
phone number on my cell phone?
Yeah, back in that water level.
Is Kyle still at sex
addiction therapy?
That must be really intense.
Okay, so what exactly
are we doing now?
We are on our way to help take care
of your diseases once and for all!
Oh good, cuz i really
can't take it anymore.
Don't worry.
As soon as it's dead,
everything will make sense.
As soon as what's dead?
God!Jesus!
He just doesn't get it!
The infected alie that they just discovered
is hiding out at independence hall!
Go, go, go! Move move move!
Entrance is clear, mr. President!
Mr. President, you aren't safe here,
let us handle this.
Right side clear!
We must be careful.
The alien could have cast some
kind of spell of invisibility.
Which would mean that the
alien is also a wizard.
Yes!
It explains everything!
A wizard alien would be able
to cast a spell on our species.
Causing all the men
to become sex addicts.
Enough!
We have to find the wizard
alien and break his spell!
Okay, okay. Alright, hang on guys.
I mean come on, this is
getting a little riculous.
Wizard alien?
We all know what's going
on here, don't we?
Whenever a story breaks
about some rich famous guy
Going around and having
sex with tons of girls,
We all want to act like
we don't understand it.
But we do.
We're guys, you know?
Our brains are wired to
strive to be the alpha male
And get all the women that we can.
I mean, look where we are!
Even benjamin franklin screwed
everything that moved,
Because he could.
We don't have to condone what
these rich famous people do, but
We can at least admit that
given the same temptations
And opportunities that
somebody like Tiger woods has,
A lot of guys might
do something similar.
We have a turd in the punch bowl.
Turd in the punch bowl.
Hey!What are you doing?
No!Come on!
Where are you taking me?
Ten city blocks have been shut down
Because an alien is believed to have
taken refuge here, in independence hall.
By all accounts the
alien is also a wizard,
Who could very easily
be the cause of
The outbreak of sex
addiction in our country!
Mr. President! Here they are!
This is the boy i told you about.
And his friend, bummers.
Son, we were told that you think
sex addition can be controlled,
That it just takes restraint.
Is that true?
I just think i'd rather control it
instead of blame it on anything.
Amazing!
Then the wizard alien's spell
might not have any power over him!
He could draw the bastard out!
Quick!Give that boy a gun!
What?
You better take one too!
Alright.Everyone to the stairwell!
The bastard has gotta be upstairs!
What bastard?
The alien wizard hiding out here!
Come on, we've got to --
What the hell was that?
I got a bad feeling about this.
Oh my god, there it is!
It's the alien wizard!
It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it!
Shoot it, boys!
You have to shoot it!
Shoot it again! It's still alive!
You gotta reload!
Keep firing boys!
Shoot it in the heart!
Keep shooting it!
Shoot him in his blabber mouth!
My god, they've done it!
Look!The sex addiction!
It's leaving my body!
I can... feel it!
I'm free!
We are healed!
We watched as sex addiction ran
rampant through our country.
It devastated families.
But once again, our great
country rose up as one.
The wizard alien is dead.
Sex addiction is no more.
And if a rich celebrity is caught
again trying to screw lots of women,
We will now know it isn't
because men are just like that,
It's because a wizard alien
has cast his mighty spell.
Oh, i'm so glad it's over,
sharon, aren't you?
We are now with the young boys
who helped stop the alien.
Boys, how does it feel to
be free of your illness?
I guess it feels great. Thanks.
Yeah, it feels great!
I never wanna see bush again!
I finally paid a
lady to show me hers.
You wanna know what's
under that bush?
Nothin' but a pair
of sick joker lips!
I am... so happy...
that i am cured...
And no longer have any desire
to have sex with anyone,
But my beautiful wife.
Now i can be faithful,
And my wife won't feel
any need to get revenge
By sleeping with a bunch of guys.
So i officially announce
my return to golf!
What the hell?
This game'albori now.
Yeah, where's all the fighting?
Dude, screw this.
Who wants to hit a dumb
little ball around?
Yeah, golf is stupid again.
Sync by YYeTs.net
Transcript by Addic7ed.com

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