S11E03 Lice Capades

<i>I'm going out to South Park
gonna have myself a time
<i>Friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptation
<i>I'm goin out to south park
gonna leave my woes behind
<i>Ample parking day or night
people spouting howdy neighbor
<i>I'm heading out to south park
to see if i cant unwind
<i>I like girls with big fat titties
really big fat titties
<i>So come on out to south park
and meet some friends of mine
<i>Episode 11x03
"Lice Capades"
All right, students, let's take our seats.
Apparently we have a little problem here
at the school which we need to talk about.
Ah yes. You mean the Jew problem.
Good, good! I'm glad we're finally
gonna do something about it.
No, I mean the problem of head lice.
There's been a lice breakout
at a school in Denver
and we need to make sure nobody
spreads it here.
Somebody might have lice?
So today you're all going to the gymnasium
to have your scalps examined.
That is completely unnecessary. Everyone
knows that only poor people can get lice.
The only person that can spread
it here is Kenny.
What? Fuck you!
I'm sure this class is clean, but we're gonna
be examined so that if anyone has the lice
we can stop it before it spreads.
<i>Lice can live in anybody's hair.
Hello, Kelly. How's my baby?
You mean me or the little one?
- I mean both.
Well, besides a little loneliness waiting for
daddy to come home, I guess we're both okay.
How did a louse like me get so lucky
to have a louse like you?
Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis.
You okay?
- Sometimes...
I just worry what kind of world
our baby is gonna grow up in.
I need to run up to the forest
and do another sediment analysis.
I'm worried we might be overworking
the tertiary layer.
All students, make sure you're in line
according to your grade.
When you reach the front of the line
you will go behind the curtain
and remove any hats to be checked.
Boy, I sure hope they don't find
lice in my hair.
What do you think happens if you do have it?
- They drag you out of here.
Put you in this big containment facility.
Where they stick a cold metal pipe up
your ass with this clear jelly.
And then they shock your balls.
I'm clean!
I knew I didn't have any stupid lice!
This is ridiculous. All this just so they can
send Kenny and his stupid head lice home.
Hey! Fuck you!
Have a seat on the stool.
Looks like you've got 'em.
- What?
You have lice.
Let's see, Clyde Harris, is it?
Oh my God. Oh Christ no!
Now now, it's all right. We're going to call
your parents and get you to your doctor.
Please, you don't understand. The other
kids are gonna make fun of me forever!
I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel.
- Yes they are!
Mr. President! Mr. President!
I believe we have a serious problem!
The environment is changing. I believe it
is somehow, reacting to our presence on it.
And what do you base this on?
Look, this is the world, right?
But now, think of the world as a living being.
If it were somehow conscious, then it would
ultimately become aware of our effect on it.
Huh right, the world is conscious.
It makes perfect sense.
Hello. Anybody?
If we have made too much of an impact, then
that consciousness would try to snuff us out!
I think we're looking at a global catastrophe,
the likes of which we've never seen!
Poodiggery and poppycock!
I think we need to put all resources
now into a full investigation
Perhaps even begin a licewide evacuation.
Evacuation?!
Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you
know how much money we would lose?
Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President
can't be bothered any further.
Damn you vice president Craig!
You could be killing us all!
This is so embarassing.
I have an ear infection.
What are you seeing the doctor for?
I have... I have AIDS.
Clyde Harris?
Yeah, that's a pretty bad lice problem there.
Good thing they pulled you out of school.
But why me, doctor?
Why me?! How did I get this?!
Well, believe it or not, some lice
can actually attach themselves to flies
and then wait for the fly to land on
someone's head where they can reproduce.
And then the lice that live in your head
now were probably all born there.
Sick!
- This shampoo should take care of it.
Use this in the shower.
Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards.
But it should kill every last one of them.
Travis? Everything okay?
Kelly, I was just thinking about our baby.
I want to name her Hope.
Hope?
- Hope for a chance at tomorrow?
It's raining? Now?
<i>Rid-X, Maximum killing power
kills instantly lice and their eggs.
I love the rain!
Oh my God.
We have to get out of here!
- What it, it's just rain.
We have to get out of here now, Kelly!
What is that?
Run!
Everyone get up into the trees!
We have to get up high!
Come on, Kelly!
Oh my God, Travis, they're all dying!
Don't look, Kelly! Don't look!
What the hell is it?!
- Well it's okay, we're safe up here!
I don't think so!
Travis!
- Kelly! Hang on!
I can't hang on!
- You have to! For the baby!
Okay, kids, today we're going to review
some Civil War history.
Who can tell me what year the war started?
- Wait, so what happened?
With what?
- With the lice exam.
Did they find anybody with lice?
Yes, some lice was discovered
and the proper action has been taken.
Somebody in this class?
- Yes.
Well who was it? It was Kenny, right?
That doesn't matter, it's over.
- Doesn't matter?!
If somebody had parasites in their hair,
we need to know who!
It was Kenny, wasn't it?
- I wanna know who it was, too.
t's being kept confidential!
There's a policy in the schools not
to single out a kid who has lice
because of the embarassment it
can cause, okay?!
That is bullcrap!
You are denying our rights
as children to totally rip on that kid
and make him or her feel like an outcast!
- Yeah!
And we have a right to know which boy had lice
in his hair so we don't ever go out with them!
How do we know it was a boy? It could just
have easily been one of you stupid girls!
Yeah! Dumb girls!
- The case is closed!
Whoever had the lice, they're dead now!
We're moving on to Civil War history.
Hope. Hope, you're alive.
My God...
Help me.
Help me.
Travis. Over here!
Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get
up in them trees, we'd all be dead.
How many survivors?
- Just the six of us.
And the vice president.
You son of a bitch!
You had a chance to stop this!
So help me, if we live through this,
I'm gonna see you rot in prison!
What do we do now?
- We aren't out of this yet!
You two look for other survivors. You get
whatever food you can and bring it back here.
Who put you in charge?!
God did! When he killed my wife!
All right, the person who had head lice
needs to speak up right now
so that we know to stay away from you!
Yeah, come on! We're gonna
find out sooner or later.
Okay, whoever you are, you are now
not only a licehead, you're a liar!
You're only making this worse on yourself!
You know what? I'll bet it was you!
- Me?
This is exactly what you would do
if they found lice in your hair!
Try to lead the charge against somebody
else to take the suspicion off of yourself!
I don't think so, Kyle!
But you know what?!
This is exactly what you would do if you had
head lice! Try to get everyone to blame me!
You guys stop it!
This isn't getting us anywhere!
That's exactly what you would do
if you had had head lice, Stan.
Yeah, try to have everyone make peace
so it doesn't seem like a big deal.
And this is exactly what Kenny would do.
Stand here and say nothing!
Hey guys, what would I do?
Let's just get a magnifying glass
and look at everyone's heads.
It's too late. The treatment
would have killed it all.
Well I guess we're never gonna know.
There's no way to tell.
There's a way! There's a way to find
out who had sick-ass head cooties!
And I'm gonna find it!
It was him. It had to have been him!
Yeah.
Or you.
Mark? Mark, you have to hang on.
This isn't going to stop.
The world is rejecting us!
If we're gonna live,
we have to get off this planet.
How?
- First we have to get out of the forest
into the forbidden zone.
It's the only way we might even
see another planet!
The forbidden zone. We'll be exposed.
We'll die out there.
We'll die here! Look, the world
is getting rid of us! Don't you get it?!
Getting rid of us? You mean like
it knows what it's doing?
Yes! Because maybe we rolled
the dice too many times!
I'm not leaving my husband.
- Yeah, I'll take my chances here.
You can all stay here.
I'm gonna try to save my baby.
I'll go with you.
There's nothing left for me here.
I wanna go too.
- Not a chance.
Look, I know I messed up, all right?
But I think you're right.
If we can get out of the forest,
we might find another place to live.
If we find anything, we'll try to send
help for the rest of you.
Let's go. Come on
if you're coming mister vice president!
Yeah. Right behind you.
All right, lock that door, Craig!
What's this about, Cartman?
I've come up with a test that can determine
if it was any of us who had the head lice.
We're gonna find out once
and for all who had head cooties.
Lice feed on a person's blood.
Just like mosquitoes they leave small traces
of their saliva in the host's bloodstream.
That saliva, is monochromagnic.
So if an infected person's blood is touched
by this hot metal coil, say...
that person's blood will jump
10 meters into the air.
Really?
That's retarded! You didn't come up
with that experiment, Cartman.
you saw that movie, The Thing!
This is a scientific test, designed to-
You saw The Thing
and you're wasting everyone's time!
I thought you might say that, Kyle. Because
you don't want to take the test, do you?!
Nobody's blood is going to jump up in the air!
If it isn't going to work,
then what are you afraid of?
The only person who wouldn't want to take the
test is somebody who was worried it might work
and reveal that they were the ones with lice!
Yeah. That's true.
I have no problem taking the test.
I have nothing to hi-hi-hide.
Yeah. Me neither.
- All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test.
Everyone take a Petri dish and a syringe.
We need at least 30 cc's of blood
from each one of you.
All right, now everyone back over there!
We'll start with what I already know.
Well, guess that proves Eric
wasn't the one with head lice.
It doesn't prove anything!
- Yeah?
Let's just see what your blood does, Kyle!
Huh, I guess you're clean.
You guys, we'd better go.
Recess is almost over.
It's all right,
it won't take much longer, just-
What the hell?!
Kenny!
- No way.
You were right all along, Eric.
It was Kenny.
Of course I was right!
I told you only poor people get lice!
We've done it.
We've reached the forbidden zone.
I've always heard stories about this place.
Never thought it was real.
It's real. Real as my love for my unborn baby.
So what exactly is your plan, Travis?
- Our ancestors came here from another world.
Maybe there's still other worlds
out there with life forms like us.
Maybe there's even a world where
they've learned to live with the planet
instead of just on it.
Travis.
Travis, you're, so wise, so strong.
If we make it out of this,
I'd like to be with you.
Sorry, babe, but my heart is forever stenciled
in permanent ink with the name Kelly.
She was a lucky woman to have you.
Luck had nothin' to do with it.
Sorry to cut the honeymoon short!
Why you murdering bastard!
Your little fantasy of another world ends here!
Walk!
- What the hell do you want, Vice President?!
Walk!
Clyde, dude, get down to the park. We caught
Kenny and we're all gonna let him have it!
What? What are you gonna do to him?
He lied to us all! He betrayed his kind!
We all know what has to happen.
Grab a sock and a bar of soap
and meet us at the park!
You guys, wait.
What, Clyde?
I... nothing.
All right, see you there!
Remember, bar of soap and a sock!
Kenny's gonna get it!
- Yeah!
Yeah! We're gonna fu-fu-fuck him up!
Yello?
- Mrs. Garrison.
One of your students is about to be attacked
at the park by all the other students.
What? Who's going to get attacked?
Who is this?!
Please just hurry to the park!
You have to stop them!
That's good! That's far enough!
What are you going to do?
- I'm gonna go back to the village.
Start to rebuild, mate with the females,
become president!
Don't you get it? The world doesn't want you
here! It's not gonna stop until you're dead!
It was a disaster! Disasters happen!
Then go ahead and die there,
I'm leaving with my baby!
Actually, you're never leaving
here either, Travis!
Damn you! Why?!
Because when I'm President,
I can't have pests like you
constantly trying to preach that
the world is alive!
You're an idealistic fool!
The world is not "conscious,"
we are conscious!
If the world was alive, it would feel this!
You die her-
Kenny McCormick, you are charged with
bringing head cooties into our school
and lying about it to cover your ass!
How do you plead?!
Not guilty!
- Guilty! I thought so!
All right, let's do this!
You guys, maybe we should
just wait a few more minutes?
All right, Kenny.
You know what has to happen!
Sock bath!
Everyone wash Kenny with the soap
and dry him off with the socks!
No! No not the socks!
The pain, the pain!
Wait. Stop it, stop it!
I can't let Kenny be sock-dried.
He had cooties and he lied about it!
- Kenny didn't have the head lice, all right?!
It was me.
What?
- I was the one.
I was too afraid to say anything,
but I can't let Kenny be sock-bathed for it.
Why are you saying that, Kyle?
You can't be the one who had head lice.
Because I was.
You're just trying to make me feel bad
because you figured that out, didn't you?!
Wait a-wait a minute, what?
- Oh I get it.
This is some kind of big trick on me!
You've known I was the one
with head lice all along, huh?!
You had head lice?
- Of course!
Why do you think I went through that elaborate
bullcrap experiment to frame Kenny?!
You all had head lice!
Every single person in the class!
The boys and the girls!
Lice spreads fast, you dumbasses!
I thought I was the only one.
- Me too.
But that means, that means
Kenny was lying! Sock bath!
Sock bath!
Kelly. Kelly, can you hear me?
I don't know if you can.
But I wanted you to know I tried.
I tried to save our baby.
But I let you down, babe.
Kelly?
You are welcome here.
You're safe now.
We've lived here for generation after
generation, never being disturbed.
Heh. We made it, Hope.
We made it, Kelly!
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angelina Jolie!
Hello everyone!
Hello!