2 Ocak 2012 Pazartesi

S12E05 Eek, a Penis!


South Park - Season 12 Episode 05
"Eek, a Penis!"
It's like, my whole life has
just been one big screw-up, you know?
I admit it, I was I was sexually lost.
And then I see this person on Oprah.
She was a woman but then she got
a sex change, became a man, but...
then she got pregnant
and is having a baby,
which means she's
still a woman all along.
That means I'm really
still a man, I'm...
I still feel like a man.
Are we gonna get tested on this?
The sex change was a big mistake, okay?
I was on a lot of
painkillers at the time
and I thought it was what I wanted.
Dude, wanna do some math problems?
And then, I go to the doctor, right?
And I say "Doctor, I wanna
go back to being a man," and he says
"There's been too much damage.
You can't go back.
Where are you going to find a penis?"
Whattaya mean,
where am I gonna find a penis?
I'm a man! I deserve a Goddamned penis!
Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison!
Could we speak with you please?
What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
Uh, we think it's best you not teach
until you get your personal
life in order, m'kay?
Oh it's so easy for you, Mackey!
You have a penis!
Okay students, um,
obviously we've had a little
emergency with your teacher, so uh,
while we deal with this,
we need one of you to lead the class
and review for tomorrow's quiz.
Me! Me me! Me!
Me! Right here! Right here!
Who else would like to be
teacher for the day? Anybody else?
Principal Victoria. Right over here.
Any other volunteers, perhaps?
Principal Victoria. Principal.
All right, all right, fine.
Eric, you lead the class.
Yes!
Now, just lead a review
over whatever Mr. Garrison's
been teaching you, and I'll
be back to check on you shortly.
Well well well.
Who's teacher now?
Yeah.
- Who's teacher?
- You're not the teacher, fatass.
That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle!
And you will be wise not to interrupt my
class unless you want to be suspended!
Yeah.
Yeah, you like that?
All right, Clyde, you're first!
Get up here!
Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.
<i>And so it appears that
the local farmer's market
<i>could be soon facing complete closure.
<i>In other news tonight, a South
Park bio company is coming under fire
<i>for genetically engineering body
parts onto laboratory mice.
<i>This picture of a mouse genetically
altered to grow a human ear
<i>has already sparked waves of protest.
What?
<i>But the scientists say the
process could help thousands of people
<i>who've become disfigured
and need ears or noses.
Holy Freaking Jesus.
Using common genetics
and cartilage scaffolding,
we can graft almost any body part
onto a mouse and allow it to develop.
Here's the mouse you saw on television.
Once the ear fully forms,
it can be transplanted onto a person.
Doctor, what about a penis?
Well, a penis is something
a man puts into a woman's vagina.
No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA,
could you grow a penis
on a mouse for me?
You don't understand: doing
this stuff is very expensive.
And we've never tried a penis before ;
there's no guarantee it would work.
I will give you all the money
I have to just try. Please.
Doctor, I'm a man trapped
in a woman's body. I need a penis.
All right. All right,
let's see what we can do.
Eric, we've called you in to commend
you for your role as student teacher.
Ey! Don't commend me! It's
the students'fault for being so stupid!
Uh, "commend" means you've
done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay?
After leading your class through review,
your schoolmates scored higher
than they ever had on their tests.
Whatever you did really worked on them.
Oh, well, thank you.
I believe strict discipline along
with compassion for my students
is catamite to their learning.
These gentlemen from
the Denver County School Board
have something they want to ask you.
Young man, word of your
success as a student teacher
has started the whole board thinking.
We would like you to try your methods
on one of our inner-city school classes.
These kids just won't listen
to any adult teachers and,
since you handled your class so well,
how would you like to give it a shot?
That sounds like a chance
to really make an impact
on some students who need it most.
How much will you pay me?
Three hundred bucks!
Did you hear what I said, you guys?
My awesome teaching skill is
gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks.
You're not an awesome teacher!
Whatever. The class scored
super-high on the test.
The only reason we scored
high was because we took
the answers out of Garrison's desk!
And you know it!
Yes, but whose idea was it to take
the answers out of Garrison's desk?
Kenny's!
- (Yeah, that was my idea.)
- Oh yeah.
But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those
underprivileged inner-city students
and really turns their lives around.
Do you know what those
kids are going to do to you?
A little middle-class white
boy telling them what to do?
They are going to fucking murder you!
Maybe he's right.
I'd better be careful how I look.
Students, quiet! Quiet please!
Give me your attention!
I'll give you my attention.
All night long, Mrs. Miller.
You're on thin ice, Rodriguez!
Now listen up!
The Denver County School Board
has sent over a special guest teacher.
This may be your last shot
at graduating from high school at all!
I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez
Hello students.
I'm Eric Cartmanez. Your new teacher.
What the hell is this?
I am here... to teach you calculus.
I think you're going to be very
pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison!
Sorry, Mister Garrison.
Your DNA has replicated and grafted
very successfully with the mouse.
And so...
here's your penis.
My penis looks great!
Yes. It's a fantastic penis.
Congratulations.
How long before it's ready?
Well, it still has some forming to do,
but fairly soon.
Let me see if it feels right in my hand.
No! Don't open the-
Whoa no!
Don't let it get out of the lab!
My penis!
Stop, penis! Come back here!
Okay, everyone take a sillibus
and pass it to the amigo behind you.
Hey man, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make
sure you all get into college.
Getting into college? Man, we
ain't getting in no college! Fuck you!
How do I reach these kids?
The reason that you think
you can't get into college
is because you haven't been taught...
how to cheat properly!
How do you think white
people always get ahead?
Because we cheat all the time-
I mean because they cheat all the time.
This is Bill Belichick,
coach of the New England Patriots.
He's won three Super Bowls. How?
He cheated.
He even got caught cheating,
and nobody cared.
Bill Belichick proved that
in America it's okay to cheat.
As long as you cheat
your way to the top.
Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater!
No no. If you cheat and fail,
you're a cheater.
If you cheat and succeed, you're savvy.
This is bullshit. I don't wanna
waste my time learning to cheat.
Go ahead, the door's right there.
Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss you.
How do I reach these kids?
Boys!
Boys, have you seen my penis?
- What?
- My penis is on the loose!
If you see it, just try
to catch it with some cheese.
That hurt my brain.
Nice form, compadre.
Hey, I walked out of your class,
teacher.
Look, I don't wanna argue with
you about the merits of cheating.
Who wants to argue
on a nice day like this?
How about a little pickup game?
Hey, paisano.
- Can you keep score for us?
- Sure thing, Mr. C.
Okay, you start on defense, amigo.
Oh, that's one to nothing, amigo!
- You cheated!
- What's the score, ese?
Okay, let's go, your turn.
That's two to nothing, amigo.
Fuck you, man, you can't do that!
Look at the scoreboard, amigo.
No matter how many
times you say I cheated,
the scoreboard says two, nothing.
I know what you're trying to say,
but I still don't agree with it.
Two to nothing, ese!
Two to nothing!
How do I reach these kids?
What is that?
- Steven! Steven come quick!
- What is it, dear?
A penis is loose in our kitchen!
- A penis?
- Yes! It just ran across the floor!
Now darling, calm down.
Calm down nothing! I don't want
that penis running through my house!
Ho, women. Always afraid of penises.
- There! There, you see it?
- Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.
I don't care. It's probably
got all kinds of diseases.
Hey wait! I think
that's teacher's penis!
- Your teacher's penis?
- Yeah, that must be his.
Butters, how do you know what
your teacher's penis looks like?
Huh?
Today we will discuss one
of the fundamental ways to cheat:
getting material ahead of time.
When Bill Belichick cheated
for the Patriots, what did he do?
He videotaped the
opposing team's defense.
Think of the defense as your test.
When taking a test you
must also videotape the defense
Learn what's on the test
before they give it to you.
And that way you can-
I thought that...
well maybe I can give cheating a try.
Have a seat, amigo.
Good to have you back.
All right. Now, when Bill Belichick
got caught with his camera,
he did not panic.
He simply said what every
good white cheater says when caught:
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
It's what you must also
say when caught cheating!
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
- Say it with me.
- "I mis-interpreted the rules."
- Good. Again.
- "I mis-interpreted the rules."
- Again!
- "I mis-interpreted the rules."
- Now you sound like white people!
- "I mis-interpreted the rules!"
What the hell do you mean
you just put my penis outside?
Why didn't you call me?
Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a
penis in the house. I had to get it out.
Well now how am I supposed to find it?
It could be anywhere!
Holy Crap!
Carole, get down from there!
No Didn't you see that penis just now?
I'm sure that penis is way
more scared of you than you are of it.
You saw a penis?
Oh, it's so big and disgusting!
Come back here, penis!
There you are! Got you!
Hey, you're not my penis.
Oh! There it goes! Stop you!
The answer to #27 is 5.
"The answer to #27 is 5."
The answer to #28 is 14.
"The answer to #28 is 14."
Man, what's the point?
What's the point of any of this?
All right, everyone review
the section on sportscasters
forgiving the Patriots for cheating
and saying it was no big deal.
I'll be right back.
Melita! Melita, hold on.
You can't quit now.
Come on, what's wrong with you?
There isn't any point to all this.
I won't be going to college.
I'm pregnant, all right?
I just found out, and Eduardo
isn't going to help me raise it.
How do I reach these kids?
All right, let's go get you an abortion.
No. I'm Catholic.
I think abortion is wrong.
Abortion isn't wrong! What's
the one thing I've been teaching you?
- That cheating is good?
- Yes!
And abortion is the
ultimate form of cheating!
You're cheating nature itself.
Why do rich white
girls get ahead in life?
Because they get abortions
when they're young.
They get pregnant, but they still
want to go to college, so, whatever,
they just cheat.
They cheat that little critter in their
belly right out of a chance at life.
I don't know, Mr. C.
Mexicans are told not to cheat.
"Don't cheat! You got pregnant?
You have to raise the child."
So then you have to raise the child
while the white girls
get to go to college
and probably have
a bunch more abortions.
It is at our most challenging times
that we must cheat... our very hardest.
And the last time you saw
your penis was two days ago?
That's right.
- Long whiskers or short?
- Short, and little fluffy ears.
Fluffy ears, okay.
- Think you got it, Mitch?
- I think so, sir.
Is this pretty close?
No, no, not like that!
That's just silly.
Sir, we might wanna get a unit down
to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
- What is it?
- Call just came through.
Seems a penis broke in
and tried to eat their cheese.
Well come on!
- What's the matter?
- A penis!
A penis? Where?
There it is!
- Where is it?
- Look, there!
Come on!
What's a that penis
doing ina my kitchen?
Hey! Don't you dare kill my penis!
Crap! We've gotta go back around!
Someone
Somewhere
Is loving me tonight
Looking at the same moon
And seeing the same light
Someone, somewhere
Is feeling my despair
And this same moon is
making them think of the-
There it is!
No! No!
No!
No!
There's not a chance now.
No we, we can find it!
Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone.
Afraid there's nothing more we can do.
You'll just have to
live with being a woman.
A very ugly one. Come on, men.
Students, I want to congratulate
you on your amazing test scores.
The school board is so
impressed with your progress
that they are going to let you take
the standardized advanced
placement test for college credit.
The test is going
to be heavily monitored
in a private room at their location
to assure that there
can be absolutely no cheating.
Uh what?
The test will be tomorrow.
Make us proud.
Monitor us in a private room?
Now they're gonna know
we've been cheating all along.
I knew it man!
You made us believe in your
way and now it's all for nothing!
It's not for nothing.
If you're good enough,
you can cheat right in front of them.
Shut up, man! You really screwed us all!
How do I reach these kids?
Just before the last Super Bowl,
Bill Belichick gathered
his football players and said,
"Let's win this one for real.
Just this one time."
"Let's not cheat."
You know what happened?
They lost.
Even if you feel all eyes are upon you,
you cannot give up on cheating!
Or else you can lose the
biggest game of your lives.
Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.
You are the true dreamers.
Tomorrow you will prove it.
We will begin by reviewing
how to print out cheat sheets
as labels for your bottled water.
You did this to yourself, Garrison.
Get your hopes up with
a stupid genetic experiment
and now all your money's
gone along with your penis.
Well what the?
Why...
It's my penis.
My penis came back.
But why?
I guess it's true.
What's that old saying?
"If you love your penis, let it go..."
The standardized advanced
placement test
is considered one of the most difficult
and carefully monitored
tests in the country.
Twenty-four of our
students took the test
and all twenty-four scored 100%
- Uh, can we say something?
- Sure.
We would like to present
this plaque to the person
who taught us the White People Method.
Mr. Cartmanez!
I reached these kids.
Students and faculty,
please put your hands together
and help me in welcoming back,
Mister Garrison.
Thanks everyone. It's great to be back.
I'm a man again.
Thanks to my very special new friend.
But you know,
I've learned that I've
really been a dude all along.
Because the key difference
between men and women
is that women can have babies.
If you can't have babies,
then, you're a man.
Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second.
My wife had ovarian cancer,
so she can't have babies.
Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson,
'cause your wife's a dude, faggot!
Yeah! I'm back!
SouthParkNews.Net / SouthPark-TV.Com
Transcript: SPScriptorium.Com

Hiç yorum yok:

Yorum Gönder