S13E01 The Ring

Season 13 Episode 1
"The Ring"
Would you look at that?
It's just incredible, isn't it?
I still can't believe it,
even though it's right in front of me.
Yeah, it's just so... astounding!
Well believe it, friends.
The impossible has happened.
Kenny has a girlfriend.
Yeah, a fifth grade girlfriend.
This is serious. They been going out
for almost two weeks now.
- So... who is she?
- Her name's Tammy Warner.
She's the only girl in school who's
family is actually poorer than Kenny's.
It's really kind of beautiful,
if you'll ask me.
You, guys! You, guys,
I think we have a big problem!
- What?
- Well,
apparently Kenny has a girlfriend!
Yeah dude, Tammy Warner,
she is a fifth-grader.
Does Kenny like her?
I guess so, she's like
his first will girlfriend ever.
- Oh, no! Oh, jeez!
- Butters, what's the problem?
I've just talked to Brad Dickson.
Tammy Warner is bad news.
All the fifth-graders
call her a slut.
On account that she gave Dave Darsky
a BJ in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.
- What?
- It's true!
Ask anybody in fifth grade!
Tammy Warner is a total slut!
That bitch!
Kenny's gave his heart to her
and she just gonna throw it in face.
Kenny deserves to know, fellas.
If you guys found up my girlfriend was
a raging whore, I'd want you to tell me.
All right... come on, guys.
Hey, Jimmy. What's a BJ?
{\So anyway I passed him a note
but then Johnny got...}
- Kenny! Hey, Kenny!
- (Hey, guys.)
Listen, Kenny.
We need to talk about your new friend.
(What about her?)
- Oh, boy...
- Kenny,
we know
you really like this girl, but...
(But what?)
Well... we've heard that she's...
Kenny! Your girlfriend
is a notorious whore.
She even gave a kid
named Dave Darsky a BJ
in a parking lot of TGI Friday's.
Your girlfriend is a slut, dude.
He took it pretty well.
- (Hi, Tammy!)
- Hi, Ken.
You decided what
you wanna do after school?
(I was thinking
we should go to TGI Friday's.)
- TGI Friday's?
- (Yeah, could be lots of fun!)
Yeah, OK.
But...
Kenny, listen. There's something
I need to tell you about.
There's a lot of rumors
going around about me.
That I agreed to give a boy a BJ.
Well, It's true.
But it was before
you and I were together,
and it wasn't my fault.
See, I was watching
the Disney Channel.
And that show came on,
with the Jonas Brothers.
- (Jonas Brothers?)
- You know that teenage boy band?
Every time I see them
I get so... tingly.
I just completely lose control.
And then Dave Darsky showed up
and took me to the TGI Friday's.
And... It just happened.
But it was only for one second
and I had my eyes closed.
I know it's terrible.
Can you... can you forgive me, Ken?
There you are, young man. Two tickets
to the Jonas Brothers concert.
Thanks!
The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny,
what the hell is wrong with you?
Aren't they those queermos
on the Disney Channel?
(They get Tammy all hot
and then she'll give me a BJ.)
- A BJ?
- You want Tammy to give you a BJ?
(Of course, dude!)
Kenny! You gonna let a girl
put her mouth on your wiener?
Do you know how disgusting that is?
- Girl's mouths are full of germs!
- Yeah, dude, that's gross.
- (It's OK, I'll have protection.)
- What kind of protection?
(A box of condoms, please?)
Box of condoms? Certainly, little boy.
What kind would you like?
- (I'll take those over there.)
- These here? Certainly.
(Cool!)
Kenny, aren't you
a little too young for this?
(I'm not young, I want a BJ!)
Just because you've got condoms
doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny.
Statistically speaking, the most
bacteria-ridden place on the planet
is the mouth of an American woman.
And you're gonna
let that near your penis?
{\THE JONAS BROTHERS
LIVE - TONIGHT}
Kenny, you're the best for
bringing me here. Isn't this awesome?
<i>I'm ready... to get it on.
<i>But there's no getting on,
<i>till I'm ready.
<i>It's too soon.
<i>Slow down.
<i>- Take it easy, young girl.
- My giny tickles!
<i>I need your love, baby!
<i>- Can't wait till the day I kiss you.
- Oh, my God! It's start tingling again!
<i>Until then I have to tease you.
<i>'Cause my mom doesn't like it
<i>- when I'm naughty.
- I love you!
<i>She'll make me clean my room
<i>if I'm naughty, baby!
<i>- I'm hot...
- He's hot...
<i>Tell me how was that in love...
<i>You'll take your love and go...
<i>Was it 'cause I wanted to wait
<i>till we were married
to put my arm around you?
<i>Seasons change,
<i>baby.
<i>And the world goes around you
round, round...
<i>Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time,
<i>Can't wait till you are mine
but it might be a while.
<i>'Cause... Yeah, yeah, girl,
we can take it slow.
<i>So we have room to grow,
and then someday we can do it call!
You're so hot, Kevin,
I love you too!
<i>Until then, go back to Montreal.
<i>'Cause I still love you, baby...
<i>Love you, baby!
<i>Baby!
<i>Good night, Denver, we love you all!
<i>We love you, Denver!
<i>Good night!
Oh, my God! I'm so worked up.
- I just want to attack you, Kenny!
- (All right!)
(Let's go to the parking lot!)
And you too, little girl in the red.
Band want you to come backstage.
You too,
little girl with the puppy t-shirt.
They want me to come backstage?
Oh, my God!
- (But, we have to do another thing!)
- It's a dream come true!
All right, right this way, girls.
Yeah, come on in everyone.
The band is waiting for you.
- Oh, not you.
- (Fuck that, I bought the tickets!)
(Hey, let me in!)
Jonas Brothers
will be right out, girls.
Why did they call us back here?
They must wanna have sex with us.
- What? You think so?
- Sure, they're a band.
They called us back here
so we can give 'em blowjobs.
I'm not doing it.
Just 'cause they're rockstars
doesn't mean I'll do that.
I'm not giving a blowjob to anybody!
- Me neither.
- Here we are, girls!
Hey, listen.
We saw ya out there in the audience.
Yeah, you were getting
a little crazy out there.
Let's just get to the blow jobs.
Blow-what?
I don't know.
Look, we called you back here
because we want to share
our love of Christ with you.
And see if you wear
purity rings from now on.
Purity rings?
We're all wear purity rings.
It means we're going to be pure,
and not have sex until we married.
And It means
we stay away from bad stuff
and avoid people who swear
or watch naughty TV shows.
That's just how we roll.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
So what do you say, girls.
You want to be kid hipsters
like us and wear purity rings too?
OK.
And be sure you give a ring
to all the kids you care about,
'cause it's the new hip way to roll.
Well, well, well...
Here he comes.
It's a BJ McKay
and his best friend Bear.
So how did it go last night?
- What's that?
- (A purity ring.)
- Purity ring?
- (Yeah, a purity ring.)
What does that mean?
(It means I'm gonna be pure
and not have sex until I get married.)
You? We thought you really wanted
to have a BJ before you got too old...
(I did! I was excited to get a BJ,
but now I have to wear this ring!)
All right, Kenny, calm down!
You're too young
to be getting BJs anyway!
It's good you and Tammy are making
a commitment that isn't based on sex.
(Yeah!)
(it isn't fair, I was so close
to getting a blow job!)
(And I'll never get one now!)
Fellas, hey, fellas!
I heard that Kenny is still going out
with that slut, Tammy Warner!
It's OK, they have purity rings now.
- What's that?
- Rings that says
they not gonna have sex
or doing anything naughty anymore.
A ring that says you'll be
together but not have sex...
Isn't that called the wedding ring?
<i>I've got a ring on my finger
to remind me what I cannot do.
<i>Can't just do whatever I feel like
I've got to stay righteous and true.
<i>I can't hang out with my buddies
and get into trouble,
<i>'Cause now we're both wearing
these rings for each other
<i>But who needs sex,
and drugs, and partying,
<i>When we can cook a meal
then sit around and watch Netflix.
<i>Baby!
<i>I've got a ring on my finger
to remind me that I must behave.
<i>No need to chase after girls,
it's a promise I can never break.
<i>I made a commitment
and it is forever.
<i>So we can spend
every waking minute together.
<i>And If we get bored,
it won't be a problem,
<i>'cause we can just hang out with other
couples who wear these rings.
<i>Baby!
Yeah, we've found out
that once you wear purity rings
it's best to hang out
with other couples that do.
Got more in common,
isn't that right, Sarah?
<i>What Carol and I really enjoy
is Grey's Anatomy.
<i>We love Grey's Anatomy,
don't we, Carol?
We adore Gray's Anatomy,
don't we, Nancy?
Adore it!
<i>Kenny and Tammy,
do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
We look forward to it all week long!
- Sure is!
- Most fun we've had in weeks!
<i>I got a ring on my finger
to remind me what I cannot do.
<i>Baby!
<i>- Baby!
- Baby!
And... cut! Great video shoot, guys!
- This is bull pucky!
- Yeah, we've had it, gosh darn it!
Looks like we've got a problem.
Our decision is final!
We've decided, as a band,
not to wear purity rings anymore!
- Yeah, you tell them, Joe.
- Boys, I know you're tired.
But the purity rings are important
for the company's image!
We don't care about the company!
And you gonna say that
to the boss's face?
We are... we aren't afraid of him.
I hope you're right,
because the boss is on his way here.
- Now!
- Oh Jesus, he's here, boss is here!
- Let's be strong, guys.
- Hello, sir. How was your trip?
What's all this I'm hearing
about not wearing the purity rings?
We'll just leave you alone.
So... I guess we have some issues?
We... need to talk about something.
Oh, boy!
I just love flying
all the way to Colorado
to hear about your problems!
Look, we just want our concerts
to be about our music,
and not about purity rings.
Oh, gosh, fellas. Let me explain this
to you one more time.
You have to wear the purity rings,
because that's how
we can sell sex to little girls.
See, if we make the posters with little
girls reaching for your junk,
then you have to wear purity rings,
or else Disney Company looks bad.
But we don't want to be
selling sex to little girls anymore!
The rings stay on!
Well... well... maybe we'll just
refuse to go on stage!
You don't... fucking...
talk to me... like that!
You little... piece of shit!
Get the fuck up.
Get the fuck up!
Now, do we have a problem?
- No, sir.
- No, Mr. Mouse.
No, Mr. Mouse.
That's good, 'cause I thought
we had a problem for a minute here.
All right, now get out of there
and make me some goddamn money!
Yep, he is in here.
Dude, what are you doing?
This is the day we're supposed
to throw cow turds at cars together.
We've had just about enough, dude.
You've been blowing us off
for two weeks, now what's up?
(Need to buy... more DVDs.)
<i>Grey's Anatomy?
Kenny! What kind of douchebag
garbage are you watching?
Come on, Kenny, this isn't you.
We want you back, dude.
Kenny... Kenny... Kenny?
Wanna look at Playboys?
Wanna get high sniffing paint?
Kenny?
<i>You want your Grey's Anatomy back?
<i>(Grey's Anatomy, cool!
This was a great season!)
(Look at that, this is so cool!)
You guys, this is serious.
Something is really wrong with him.
It's that ring!
Somehow putting on that ring
has turned Kenny into a boring turd!
Oh, my God!
Look at this! Motherfucker!
What?
"Jonas Brothers: talk music,
faith in God and purity rings."
These Disney douchebags
are the ones causing all this!
Yeah, this all happened the day
after he went to their concert!
Come on guys.
We're not sitting back
and watching our friend die.
Hold tight, buddy.
We're gonna find a cure for you.
<i>Live from 5 News Studio in Colorado,
<i>It's Good Mornin' Denver!
We are joined this morning
by the Disney supergroup...
the Jonas Brothers. Hello, boys!
- Hello!
- Now tell us what you're doing
here in Denver, guys.
We're gonna be doing
a live concert from Red Rocks tonight,
that will be live broadcast
on the Disney Channel.
And 3-D.
Don't forget to mention in 3-D!
Oh, and it's gonna be in 3-D.
Now guys, a lot has been made
about your purity rings.
Can you tell us about those?
Well...
We... We wear these to symbolize
how pure we are and how we...
don't approve of things
that are naughty or filthy.
Good. Get a close up
on their purity rings.
Close up on the purity rings.
That's wonderful, boys.
It's good that little girls
can see a concert
and not have it be about sex.
We understand
that at the concert tonight,
you'll be dousing girls in the audience
with white foam, is that correct?
Yeah.
Can we give our audience a peek?
What do you say, you want
the Jonas Brothers to douse you
with their white foam?
Oh, boy! This is TV-gold!
- Excuse us, excuse us!
- What do you think you're doing?
Great stuff, boys!
You like taking the Jonas Brother's
hot foam in your faces, girls?
Those Jonas Brothers are assholes!
Yeah, their purity rings turned
our friend into a douche!
What the hell do you think you're doing
spreading this crap to kids?
Who the hell are these guys?
Are they from DreamWorks?
Goddamn Eisner trying
to hurt this company again?
This whole thing is a freaking shame!
I see what you're doing now.
You're trying to sell sex
to young girls.
And then confuse them by...
Cartman?
You aren't ruining my plans
this time, DreamWorks.
Dude, who the hell did that?
<i>Fifteen minutes,
that's fifteen minutes, people!
<i>Get another mike on that drum kit.
<i>They almost ruined everything.
<i>How did something like this happen?
<i>Wake up, wake up, you little prick!
Who do you work for, DreamWorks?
Answer me!
- We don't work for anybody.
- Oh boy, I sure believe that!
You just try to ruin Disney Company's
big night for your own amusement.
- What the hell did you do to us?
- Shut up!
<i>And now, Disney Channel presents...
<i>The Jonas Brothers
3D concert spectacular!
<i>Live from Red Rocks
amphitheater in Colorado.
Truly a night of magic as we are set
for the biggest concert
event of the year.
In about ten minutes
the Jonas Brothers are going to take
the stage in what Disney is calling
<i>the most pure and innocent
rock event of the millennia.
Do we put
the 3D glasses on now, dadda?
Not yet, Keidy.
<i>Everyone around
the country is tuning in to see
<i>Disney's latest kid pop stars.
(Yeah, Jonas Brothers at Red Rocks.)
We understand
the Jonas Brothers are getting ready.
What's going on backstage
must be exciting.
You better start talking.
You better start talking right now.
We told you,
we aren't working for another studio
and there isn't a plan
to sabotage your big night.
We came on our own 'cause
our friends purity ring is killing him.
You're lying, I'll cut you up.
You see?
We were right about the purity rings.
A nice Christian symbol
can't be used for profit gains.
- We're all angered God.
- You think God is in control here?
I am in control,
I've been in control since the '50s
if you haven't noticed.
You three faggots are going on stage.
And you three faggots
aren't gonna stop me.
Nobody is ruining this event.
I've worked too long and too hard
to have anyone fuck this up.
<i>Where would you be
without me, Jonas Brothers?
<i>Your music sucks and you know it.
It's because you make
little girls ginies tickle.
And when little girls' ginies tickle,
I make money.
<i>And that's because
little girls are fucking stupid.
<i>And the purity rings
make it OK to do whatever I want.
Even the Christians
are too fucking stupid
to figure out I'm selling sex
to their daughters.
<i>I've made billions off of Christian
ignorance for decades now.
And do you know why?
Because Christians are retarded.
<i>They believe in a talking dead guy.
<i>Hello, folks!
<i>Take it easy.
Here's the Jonas Brothers.
<i>- C'mon guys.
- No, stop! Bring them back here!
It's over Mr. Mouse.
Everyone's tuning out.
<i>No! No, goddamn it! No!
<i>Shut up! Shut up!
That's it, girls.
No more Disney TV for a while.
Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers
3D television special has failed.
Costing the Disney Company millions.
And once again, Mickey
is pissed off and throwing a fit.
<i>Vengeance is mine.
<i>You are all ants
and I'm your destroyer.
The Disney purity ring venture will most
likely now prove a marketing bust.
As Mickey returns to Valhalla,
to slumber and feed.
Oh, Ken. Look at what we've become.
We're way too young
to be this boring.
<i>(OK, I'll put in Grey's Anatomy.)
<i>No! I don't want to watch
Grey's Anatomy, Ken.
- Let's take off these rings, Ken.
- (Take off the rings?)
(We can take off the rings? Really?)
Let's take them off
and just be kids again.
There will be plenty of time
to wear rings and be boring and lame
when we reach our late 30s
and be boring and lame anyway.
(Yeah! Screw theses things!)
- I feel better already.
- (Me too!)
Whats say you and me
go to TGI Friday's?
And so,
as we commit
this young child to the earth.
Let us all be reminded,
that syphilis
is still a deadly disease.
And it can be caught
even if using protection.
This boy learned the hard way...
I told him. Woman's mouth is the most
germ-ridden place on earth I said.
Statistically the most unsafe place
for a man to put his penis, I said.
Well, now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.