S14E14 Crème Fraiche

Passengers said the carnival
cruise line smelled like poop,
but that that was an improvement.
Alright, it's late.
I'm gonna call it a night.
You coming?
Oh ya know, I can't really sleep.
I'm just gonna stay up a bit.
Have some me time.
Randy, do not watch
that no-no channel.
I'm not staying up to do that,
Sharon. Geez.
Alright, come to bed soon.
Man, that is hot.
Oh yeah.
Fuck.
Just look at that rack of ribs!
Now those were slow cooked and
then braised to bring
out the smoky flavor.
God damn. Yeah!
See how that just
falls off the bone?
That is money, right there.
Yeah, fucking money.
Next on food network
it's Paula Dean!
Hey ya'll!
Tonight we're gonna be making
some deep fried chicken.
Oh yeah?
My buttery whipped patatas
and we're gonna be finishing
off with a chocolate pecan pie.
Oh fuck yeah.
Dad, what are you doing?
You're just in time!
Sit down, sit down!
I've made you all breakfast again!
Oh crap.
Now what I have for you
is a nice goat cheese
and heirloom tomato frittata
and we're gonna top that
with a little creme fraiche.
Oh yeah.
Randy, you've been watching
that channel again, haven't you?
No!
Yes, because every time
you watch cooking shows
you stay up all night trying
to copy what they made!
Wul, I'm sorry if there's
something wrong with me
helping out with the cooking!
You think you'd be
grateful, Sharon.
I gotta get to work.
I cooked so you guys clean up.
Can I have a pop-tart?
Oh this is sweet.
I've seen this episode.
Hello and welcome to progressive.
Yes, we're looking
to buy car insurance.
Well, you've come
to the right place.
Oh dear!
I knew we should
have gone to Geico.
Daddy time. It's daddy tv time.
Now just look at
this pork tenderloin.
It is brined and ready for action.
Oh yeah, look at that.
Dad, you know mom doesn't want
you watching food channels.
I've worked all day.
I can watch what I want!
We're gonna take a stick of butter
and just smear that all over.
Oh my God that's awesome.
Oh, oh yeah! Woa!
Now let's get that on the grill.
See what he's doing, Stan?
He brined that for
an hour in the fridge
so now he can sear
the shit out of it.
Look at the char we're getting.
That is what we're going for.
Oooh, isn't that hot guys?
Oh, yeah!
Don't you just...
don't you just wanna get in there!
We will be right
back to good eats.
Hey ladies, are you looking
for a better workout?
Aw, stupid commercials.
Introducing the shake weight.
A spring-loaded workout device
you pump with your arms.
Just grab the piston
and go to work
one-handed, or double-fisted.
Come on!
You just shake it back and forth.
It feels really good in my hands.
Best of all shake weight tells
you when your workout is finished
by chiming, and releasing
a cooldown spray.
Boring!
Order now and we'll include the
optional heart rate monitor.
Just put your finger in the tester
and shake weight takes your pulse!
Get yours today!
Now back to good eats.
Just look at the glaze we
got going now on that thing.
Oh man, yeah!
That is hot!
Alright. Now here's
the really cool part!
What we're gonna do is...
this channel has been
blocked by parental controls
channel blocked?
What the... what the hell?
Sharon, what are you doing?
Just using the parental
controls to block some channels.
I wasn't watching food channels.
Then how do you
know I blocked them.
I know, cuz... I don't know that!
That's what I'm saying!
Gaww!
Thanks for calling the
food network hotline.
Billing is 9.95 for
each 60-second period.
To accept, say 'creme fraiche'
creme fraiche.
Hi there, I'm Amanda.
What are you up to?
Oh hi.
I just thought I'd
give the hotline a try.
What are... what are you doing?
I'm making a pan roasted chicken.
Pan roasted!
Like seared on the stove
and then put in the oven?
Uh-huh.
I've just taken the
chicken out of the pan.
It's so moist.
I'm gonna let it rest now,
about five minutes.
Yeah?
Oh yeah.
Oho, there's lots of browned bits
stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
You gonna deglaze
that fucking pan?
Oh I'm going to deglaze it.
You wanna help me?
If I was there I would.
I'd take some, red wine,
about a quarter cup,
then get a wooden spoon.
And I'd deglaze the
fuck out of that pan.
I gotta wooden spoon right here.
It's pretty hard.
Yeah, you gonna put some onion
in while you're deglazing?
Was thinking about
shallots actually.
Oh yeah, shallots won't overwhelm
the chicken's natural flavors.
Fuck yeah.
Randy marsh!
Sharon!
Your time on food network
hotline has expired.
To add more time say
'creme fraiche.'
I don't know what to do, Sheila.
It's like he's a different person.
Last night I walked in
on him in the bathroom,
he was sitting on the toilet
flambeing a pork chop.
Sharon, I'm so sorry.
It just makes me feel
unwanted, you know?
I mean, am I not
attractive anymore?
I mean, I don't
exercise anymore at all.
Well, if it will make you
feel better about yourself,
then workout, Sharon.
Like I have time to
go to a gym every day.
There are plenty of
things you can buy
to help you get a
good workout at home.
Have you heard of
the shake weight?
Help you find anything?
Yes I was interested
in the shake weights.
Biggest seller the
past four months!
What model are you looking at?
I didn't realize there
were different models.
Well you got your standard,
your deluxe.
Small to large sizes,
but if you're really
looking for a workout
you might want to try the big Jim.
That woman over there
is trying it out.
I think I'll start with
the smaller, white ones.
Smaller white ones, yes, ma'am.
Standard or voice assist model?
Well, I don't know...
I would definitely
recommend the voice assist.
It has recorded voice commands to
help motivate you in your workout.
You are doing excellent!
Great work!
Now switch arms!
Wow! Good job!
You are amazing!
You are very attractive.
And interesting.
Thank you, shake weight.
Come on now, almost finished!
Yes!
Good!
Almost done!
Keep going!
Keep going!
Harder!
Faster!
Your workout is finished!
Here is some cab fare.
Oh wow!
Now going to sleep mode.
You guys have no idea
how much it sucks.
My dad is obsessed.
Every day it's booby flay this,
Gordon ramsay that.
This morning he was
pretending to read playboy,
but he actually had a bon appetit
magazine hidden inside it.
Well, hearing you
bitch about your dad
all the time is super
interesting, Stan.
I hope you do it the
entire lunch period.
Hello there, children!
Aw, what?
How's it goin?
No! Dad, no!
The school was hiring
and I got the job.
Isn't that great?
Dad, you're a geologist!
What about your real job.
I quit!
Now, what I have for
your starters today
is a potato encrusted
scallop with lobster foam.
And we're gonna top that
with some nice creme fraiche.
Lobster foam?
It says very clearly
on the lunch schedule
that today is pizza day!
Yes, and so this is
my take on a pizza.
It's an Asian slaw on flatbread,
deconstructed and topped
with a nice parmesan aioli.
Dad, no!
I'm gonna tell mom.
Go back to your
other job right now.
Stan there is nothing wrong with
a man following his passion!
Oooh yeah.
Fuck yeah!
Mom?
Mom!
You gotta do something.
Dad's trying to be
our new school chef.
Oh I know.
He tried out all his recipes
here and left me with the mess.
Well you gotta tell
him to stop, mom!
You think your father is
going to listen to me?
This is a workout reminder.
Time for a workout.
This thing is so great.
It reminds me when I haven't
worked out in a while.
That's it.
Work it.
Harder.
Faster.
Mom, dad's food sucks
and the kids at school are
starting to get pissed at me.
Sorry, Stan, but I need to
start doing things for myself.
You are independent and strong.
Right.
I spend all my time trying to
take care of everybody else.
Switch arms.
I don't need to look good to keep
your father interested in me.
I'm just going to do it for me.
You are so motivated and charming.
It is time to take your pulse.
Insert finger.
Do not stop your arms.
Keep going.
Good.
Get your finger up
there a little more.
Your pulse is 145.
Faster!
Harder!
Who says that school
cafeteria food
can't be healthy,
delicious and gourmet?
Today we're gonna be making the
students my tasty baked ziti
with basil and fresh mozzarella.
It's all right here,
right now on cafeteria fraiche.
Oh fuck yeah.
Oh yeah.
Man!
Dad, what are you doing?
Fraiiiiche.
Cafeteria fraiche.
Alright, now for my baked
ziti we are gonna start off
by getting some extra virgin
olive oil into the pan.
Oh yeah.
Get that all over there.
It's all slick.
It's all wet and slick.
Can we get some food please?
Now, olive oil does
have a low smoke point,
so keep the heat low
and keep in fraiche.
That's so fucking hot.
Look at that crust is perfect.
Fuck yeah.
Dad you aren't ever going
to be a celebrity chef!
Quiet on set, please!
No dad. That's enough.
You need to be focusing
on getting mom back!
Back from where?
Oh, this is so nice.
I really needed this.
You are so lovely and elegant.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
Oh thanks, shake weight.
You are a go-getter.
You are strong and confident.
You're right!
Tell me again about the
women who you do not like.
Well, Linda Stotch
is a real gossiper,
and Tammy Bretz at work
is just a know-it-all.
Oh you are so witty and
alarmingly insightful.
How about a quick workout?
A workout?
What, right now?
Just a quickie.
You can do it.
I don't really like
working out in public.
Come on.
You can do it!
That's it!
Good!
Keep it up!
Feel the burn.
Harder!
Faster!
You are amazing!
Switch arms.
Oh, that's it.
Yes.
You are getting
really good at this.
You are capable of anything.
Harder.
Faster.
I said faster!
More.
Do it.
You are almost there.
Home stretch.
Oh, yes.
Your workout is finished.
Your cab fare.
Now go into sleep mode.
We really think this
is gonna work, Stan.
All we have to do
is convince your dad that
his cooking sucks, right?
He's not going to listen to us.
We already tried.
He won't listen to us,
but he would listen
to Gordon ramsay.
That's stupid, cartman.
He does kind of
look like him, dude,
and Kenny thinks cartman's Gordon
ramsay impersonation is really good.
Yeah, it's really good!
Let's hear it, cartman.
Right.
Simple, rustic. Yeah?
Wake up!
Jesus!
Fuck me!
You're not a fucking chef!
Hi, right, Gordon, yeah.
Making a nice,
simple beef Wellington.
You're fucking
taking the piss yeah?
Fuck me you can't cook!
You guys, my dad is retarded
but he's not that retarded.
Hey Stan, have you seen my...
oh my God, it's Gordon ramsay!
Stan do you know who
that is in there?
That's the Gordon ramsay.
Uh yeah, dad he'd
like to talk to you.
Talk to me?
Oh Jesus.
You have not worked
out in seven hours.
Oh God, not right now.
Come on.
Let's get to it.
I'm tired.
You have not worked
out in seven hours.
Where is that sleep mode button?
Cannot go to sleep mode.
You need to workout first.
Come on, just really fast.
Come on.
It won't take long.
Just a quick workout.
Come on.
Please.
Alright, fine.
That's it.
Good.
A little faster.
Harder.
Come on, get into it.
That's it.
Now switch arms.
You are so attractive and you
have interesting things to say.
Come on.
You are almost there.
Faster.
Do it faster.
Now going to sleep mode.
What the fuck kind of
cook do you think you are?
You are having a laugh, hay?
Hay, you've got your fucking
head up your ass, don't you!
Yes, chef!
Give up you wanka!
You fucking can't cook for shit!
Alright dad.
Gordon ramsay says you suck.
It's time to give up.
No Stan!
No chef!
This is my dream!
You aren't ever going to
become a celebrity chef, dad!
Give up on your dream!
Uh excuse me. Randy marsh?
Yes, I... oh my God
it's Bobby flay!
Stan, that's Bobby flay!
I heard that Gordon ramsay
had taken an interest
in your cafeteria food!
So now I would like
to challenge you
to a school cafeteria
food throwdown!
What, are you serious?
Yes, yes!
A culinary battle royal
is set to explode here
in a school cafeteria.
Will it be the simple, rustic
cafeteria food of the challenger?
Or will the iron
chef reign supreme?
Hey no, no all you
people get out of here.
Hold on! Wait!
School cafeteria food
needs to be healthy!
Why won't people listen to me?!
Jamie Oliver!
And our celebrity sous chefs!
Mario Batali!
Paula Dean!
And Giada de Laurentis!
With her perky tats
and gigantic head!
Can I just get some
God damn tater tots?!
Your room is being serviced.
Oh well.
Uh, excuse me!
Oh! No! No, sorry!
I done with cleaning, thank you.
Please sorry!
What's the big deal?
She wanted to work out.
You never want to work out.
I just needed help
going to sleep, mode.
What.
What.
Come on.
What.
You are amazing and irreplaceable.
What.
How about a quick workout.
What.
Yes, I don't care.
I just want to find out how
to return my shake weight.
This is ridiculous.
Give shake weight a break.
Because I want to return it now,
I need to know the
address of your company.
You are enticing and lovely.
Tell me again about the
women you do not like.
I don't care how long I've had it,
I want my money back.
You are so forthcoming
and delightful.
Tell me about which woman at
work makes you the angriest.
Tonight,
a school cafeteria
in middle America
is the stage for a
heavyweight culinary battle!
The very best of the
best will cookoff
to find out who can make the
best school cafeteria food.
It's the hell's kitchen nightmares
iron top chef cafeteria throwdown
ultimate cookoff challenge!
Behind you!
Who's cafeteria food will win?
These chef's are cooking
their hearts out
and bringing their a game
to serve the kids of
this elementary school!
These kids have now been waiting
over 12 hours for their lunch!
Over at the prep station
Jamie Oliver is crying again.
Kid's food should be hewfy!
Why in'nit hewfffy?
And back in the kitchen
the challenger appears
to have lost something.
Where is it?
I must have left it at home!
I'll be right back!
The challenger has
left the cafeteria
to find his most
important ingredient.
Creme fraiche!
Creme fraiche!
Where is it?
Where is it?
Dammit where is
that creme fraiche?
Where did I leave that
fucking creme fraiche?!
It has to be somewhere!
Randy, I'm back.
Oh thank God! Sharon!
Have you seen my creme fraiche?
Randy, we should talk.
I don't have time!
I'm cooking right now!
Randy, I don't want
our marriage to fail.
I don't know how to fix
what's wrong but please,
can't we just go to bed and
start fresh in the morning?
You don't understand, Sharon!
I've got Gordon ramsay up my ass,
Bobby flay about to kick my ass
and the whole world
is gonna be watching!
I can't sleep!
I haven't slept for days!
What'd you say?
I can't sleep, Sharon.
I'm in work mode.
Can I try something?
Sharon, what are you... oh!
A nice ol' fashioned!
Oh, that's good.
Oh that's it.
Yeah, now switch arms.
Oh that's good.
Really good. Wow!
How'd you get so good at this?
You're amazing!
That's it!
Faster!
Faster!
Haven't had an old
fashioned in a long time.
Oh I'm tired.
You gonna go back to the kitchen?
Oh, no. Fuck that.
I'm going to sleep, babe.
Here, do you need some
money or anything?
No, I'm good. Thanks.
I'll get my old job back tomorrow.
Cooking's dumb.
I'm just really sleepy.
Love you, Sharon.
I guess my work here is finished.
Shake weight, you aren't really
workout equipment at all, are you?
Marriage is important.
Keep your man happy.
When things are going bad,
there's nothing like an old
fashioned to ease that stress.
I'll remember that now,
thanks to you.
It has been nice
getting to know you,
how about a quick workout,
for old time's sake?
Just kidding.
I must be going now.
Another lovely woman needs me.
Goodbye.
Customer!
Goodbye, shake weight.