South Park S07E11 Casa Bonita

Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.
Maybe he caught a disease and died. That'd be so awesome.
Dude that's not funny. You shouldn't joke about that.
-(Yeah.)
-Who's joking?
You guys! You guys! I have awesome news!
You have AIDS?
No. This Saturday, for my birthday, my Mom says she's takin' me to Casa Bonita, in Denver,
...and I get to invite three friends!.
Wow! Casa Bonita?!
(Woohoo!)
What's Casa Bonita?
Dude, haven't you ever been there?!
It's a big Mexican restaurant where they have, like, cliff jumpers and Black Bart's Cave and  all kinds of stuff!
It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants.
This Saturday! Awesone!
Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Food and fun in a festive atmosphere. Casa Bonita!
Who said I'm inviting you?
You... your Mom said you could take three friends.
Yes. Three friends. You're not my friend.
Wuh ih uh... Weh come on, Kyle, who the hell else are you gonna take besides Stan and Kenny?
I'm gonna take Butters. He invited me to his birthday party last month, so I owe him one.
Butters?! You're gonna take THAT butthole?! Why?!
Because Butters isn't a total dick to me!
I have never been a dick to you.
Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!
Kyle, when have I ever ripped on you for being a Jew?
Oh yeah?! Well you're a stupid Jew!
You're a Jew!
Shut your God-damned Jew mouth!
Good job, Jew!
Jew...
Shutup Jew!
You're Jewish!!
Dude, he's Jewish!
Jew!
Jew!
Jew!
Jew!
Jew!
Jew!
Jew?!
-I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm.
-Fuck off, Cartman
Okay, except maybe for that one time.
You've always been a dick to me, Cartman, and I'm not inviting you.
Kyle, you don't understand! Casa Bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world.
I'll just, I'll just die if you don't take me! Please!
Sorry, my mind's made up.
Well fuck you, Kyle!! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway!
I'd much rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day!
Kiss my ball, asshole!!
Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle.
Ah I really really wanna go to Casa Bonita.
I'm sorry we had that fight just now.
You know, I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but, I think it was good and we we've moved past it.
I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Well fuck you, Kyle!! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!
Casa Bonita! Come on, you guys!
Oh, awesome!!
Come on, you guys! Black Bart's Cave!
Wow, cliff divers!
More sopapillas, please!
I'm not inviting you, Cartman. You can't go.
No! Noooo!  Casa Bonita! Noooo!
Oh... God-damnit, I have to get invited to go! I'm just gonna have to start being nice to Kyle!
Hi Kyle.
That isn't it, Cartman.
What isn't it?
That's not being nice! That's just putting on a nice sweater!
...I don't understand the difference.
I know you don't.
Jimmy! Hey Jimmy, wait up!
Dude, uh I need your help on something.
Well, sure, Eric. W-w-waht seems to be the p-p-p-prrroblem?
Well, everybody likes you, Jimmy, a-and you seem to be really good with people, so,
I was wondering if you could tell me, how "do" you act nice to people?
Well, the best thing is not to act nice, Eric. Uh, the best thing is to be genuinely nice.
Okay, so how do you act genuinely nice to people?
Well, Eric, pah part of being nice is just making people smile and laugh.
The best way to do that is by telling a fan-tastic joke or a humorius anti-d- ant'duhh ...antecdote.
Like what?
Well, like, try this one on for size: Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ing-mar ...Bergman.
Now you say, "Ingmar Bergman who?"
Take that, Jimmy!  And that! And don't you ever talk bad about Kyle again!
Kyle is my friend! And if you say you had sex with his mom one more time,
I'm gonna really let you have it! You hear me?!
Oh, Kyle. Hey.
Do you really think that beating up a handicapped kid is being nice?
Uh...  He-hey Kyle! Knock knock. Knock knock, Kyle!
Yeah, Casa Bonita, this Saturday!
Wow, that's gonna be so fun!
Yeah, it'll be awesome. Just the four of us.
(Yeah!)
Hey Kyle.
Well?
Well what?
How are you going to try to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?
I'm not, Kyle. I know you already told Butters he could go.
Oh. Well... yeah. I, I did.
So, fine, Kyle, but honestly, I never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter at all to me.
I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a, a lot together, and...
maybe that alone doesn't make us friends, but it makes us something.
So, ...whatever, you know, just... ah I hope... things will be cool.
I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
I know, Kyle. I'll see ya later.
Eh... hey, Cartman?
You really don't care that you can't go?
I care, sure, but I hope it doesn't mean you and me and Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.
That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you all along.
Ah uh I still have to take Butters, but... I hope things can be cool too.
Good.
And, and hey, if for some reason Butters can't go to Casa Bonita, you can take his place.
Sweet, whatever.
Bingo!
What's this all about, Eric?
Butters, can you keep a secret?
Well, sure I can!
For the past five days I've been looking out into space for a school project.
This morning, at 3:45 a.m. I... caught first sight of something terrible.
Nnn-how terrible?
A meteor. A meteor the size of Wyoming, heading right for earth.
What??
Now look, ah I could be wrong. I ...pray that I'm wrong, but,
I just want you to take a look and... see what you think.
Do you see anything?
I just see stars.
Keep looking. Sometimes it takes your eyes a minute to adjust.
Nope, uh I don't see any...
Oh wait. Oh my God! I see it. I see it! It's a meteor! Oh my God!
Oh my God! Does it look like it's getting closer?
It is! It is getting clsoer! Oh my God!
Oh my God! That meteor is the size of Wyoming and it's on a collision course for Earth.
When do you think uh it'll get here?
I, I don't know, I, have to do some calculations.
10 to the power of 1 base 9 divided by pi plus 5 minus 3.
-Oh Jesus.
-What??
According to my calculations, that meteor is going to hit Earth in less than four hours.
Oh, you mean we're gonna die?!
No! No, Butters, we are going to live! Do you hear me?! We are going to live!
We just... We've gotta find a bomb shelter!
Wha...? Where is there a bomb shelter??
Stan's Uncle Jimbo! He has a bomb shelter in his back yard! Come on, Butters! Hurry!
-Here we go! The bomb shelter's down here!
-Oh God! Oh Jesus!
All right, we should be safe in here.
This dried food and water should last us for weeks.
But what about everyone else? I have to tell my parents so they can come here, too.
No! Butters! I can't let you risk it.
I'll go up and get the others.
Are you sure?
I'm not sure of anythng anymore.
Now Butters, listen: No matter what happens, no matter what you hear, do not come out!
If I don't make it back in time with the others, then it will be up to you to repopulate the Earth.
But I'm the only one down here. What am I supposed to repopulate with?
Well, you know, with your wiener.
Just stay down here until you hear word from me.
And... pray, Butters... pray for all mankind.
Oh God, oh God!
Where is Butters? We were supposed to leave here forty minutes ago.
Well I think we better just go without him, Kyle. It's getting late.
Yeah, screw him. Let's go.  Oh, finally!
Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just wanted to stop by and give you your present.
Oh. Thanks, dude.
Hope you have a good one. See you later.
Oh wait. Cartman.
Yes?
Uh Butters didn't show. You wanna go to Casa Bonita with us?
Butters didn't show?
I I can't believe it. Uh are you sure you told him the right time and everything?
I told him 5:30 and we gotta get going. You in?
Well I... really would need to go home first and get my...
Weh no no, I guess I have everything I need. Oh, okay, sure.
All right, let's go.
Okay, boys. Get in the car.
Casa Bonita, here we come!
Oh, hello Chris, Linda.
Hello everyone. Have any of you seen our son?
Butters was supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita tonight.
We know, but... he hasn't been home since last night.
The police have been looking everywhere, but...
Well, thank you. Uh, please, let us know if you find out anything.
Aw dude, weak.
Yeah. Man, that sucks about Butters.
Well, let's get going, shall we?
Nah. Dude, I c-I can't go to have a birthday party while Butters is missing.
Yeah, it's kinda weird.
Ee-yeah yeah. I think you're right, but, on the other hand,
I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters...
Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.
Yeah.
That's very good of you, boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita until next Saturday.
Next Saturday?? I'll never be able to keep Butters in the...
In the... depths of my heart for that long.
I sure hope he... turns up before then.
Dude, we should check over at Stark's Pond. Butters always hangs out over there.
Yeah. And then we can try the football field.
I'll drive you boys.
Oh, God-damnit! How am I gonna keep Butters down in that bomb shelter for a whole week?!
All right, folks, this is the little boy we're looking for:
Leopold Stotch, also known as Butters.
He's been missing for two days and was last seen at the school. Let's go find him.
"Dried food rations. Add water to feed flavored square..."
Hello? Hello??
Butters!
Butters! Oh God, it was... It was horrible!
Wuh, wait, well, what happened??
The meteor... struck the Earth sooner than I predicted. There was no time... no time...
What about my parents. Did you see them?
There was mass confusion! Pa... panic!
People were crawling all over each other in the streets! It was... awful!
When it hit, millions were evaporated instantly.
The rest of us... walking around in a... cloud of... toxic... radiation.
Oh my God, let me see!
No Butters!! If you come up, you'll get infected too!
You best wait for the radiatino level to go down.
Probably... next week sometime. After Saturday. Ugh...
How many survivors are there? You should all come down here.
We can't come down there, or else, we'll contaminate you, Butters.
No... we just have to survive the best we can.
Wow... Eric, I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me.
Thank me by living, Butters. Live. And... rebuild.
I've got to go. Remember, wait one week for the toxic levels to go down. On Saturday.
G-goodbye!
All right. Just six days, Butters. Sit tight.
Tom, it has now been three days since the Stotch child has gone missing.
Townspeople continue to search, but hope... is dwindling.
All right, folks. I wanna thank you for all your efforts.
Three days is a long time, but we've got to keep going if we're gonna find him.
Heh you're not going to find him. Not until after Saturday when I go to Casa Bonita.
Many times in cases like these a child can trap themselves.
It is important that we spread our search to duct pipes, wells, and bomb shelters.
What what what?
I say we need to move the search to ducts, wells, and bomb shelters.
Let's move out, people! Every second counts!
But if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me.
Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl, baby please don't go. Eh,
Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl-
Eric?  Eric, is that you?
Oh God! They're coming! They're coming!
We'be gotta get out of here! They're coming this way!
Who's coming this way?
The cannibals! Don't you know?
The meteor destroyed all of society, Butters. Now Earth is ruled by packs of wild humans gone mad!
Those of us who survived are now being hunted by flesh-starved cannibals!
Oh God! I hate cannibals!
They're coming this way! I can hear them.
They'll find you down here for sure. And when they do, they'll eat you alive.
Noooo!
We've gotta get you out of here! Come on!
Oh oh no wait, I forgot! The toxic radiation!
Hey wait! We can use this box!  There we go.
This should keep you protected from the toxins.
But I can't see nothin'.
Believe me, Butters, you don't wanna see what's up there.
Now come on. I'll guide you to a safer location.
There you go. Two more steps and you're at the top.
Good.
Are we out in the destruction?
Yes. There's nothing but smoldering bodies all around you.
Burnt out buildings, and what used to be our town.
Aw man.
All right, this way, Butters. Just follow the sound of my voice.
Right now we're walking by what used to be people's houses,
...now just smoldering burnt piles of rubble.
Huh... Oh, it's terrible.
We're coming now to the crater where the meteor hit.
A hole in the Earth over two miles in diameter.
Whoa!
Here we are at the old gas station. It survived a lot of the impact. We might be safe here.
Oh my God!
Whaaat??
It's a cannibal! Stay back, cannibal!
We've got to fight them off!
Stay away from Butters! He's humanity's last hope!
Awww! He bit me! He bit off my hand!!
Aw man, he's eating my hand like a piece of chicken! Can you hear the bones crack?
Wait! Look here! There's a dead body with an axe in the back.
I'll pull out the axe and use it to chop off the cannibal's head. Hunh!
Die!
Ooooh, what happened? What happened?!
The cannibal! The cannibal's dead, Butters!
But he bit me, which means soon I will have a taste for human flesh as well.
Oh no!
We have no choice, Butters! We have to lock you away somewhere where even I can't get to you!
Uh w-where??
Look! There's an old refrigerator!
Get inside, Butters! I'll break off the handle so nobody can get to you!
Aren't you coming?
Too late for me. I can already feel my... body start to... change.
No! Must... fight... it...
Don't open this door for anybody, Butters! No matter what you hear, stay inside for four days!
Here's some water and food from the shelter.
Eric, you're the ...best friend in the whole world. I... I love you.
I love you too, man.
I just You look so delicious! Must eat your brains!
It's Wednesday! It's Wednesday!
Only three more days till Casa Bonita.
I'm gonna go through Black Bart's Cave first. No! I'm gonna watch the cliff divers first!
Maybe if I tell them it's my birthday, they'll let me cliff-dive in the pool!
Oh, that would be so bad-ass!
Finally I can breathe a-
Oh my God.
Oh my God, the meteor took out everything!
It's all destroyed. Nothingn left.
Hello? Are there any, are there any other survivors?
Hello? Oh. That must have been where the library was. And that was probably the school.
Hello?
Oh. I forgot, I gotta watch out for readioactive cannibals.
Is that a cannibal? Sir? Ma'am?
Oh. Aww, it's a little dog.  Well, hello there, Mr. Dog.
Looks like you and me are the only ones who survive the meteor, heh. We should stick together, huh, Mr. Dog?
Well come on, we gotta start cleanin' up this mess, and rebuild this civilization.
Boy, that meteor sure did make everything stinky.
We're on our way to Casa Bonita! We're gonna be there very soon.
You're gonna love Casa Bonita, Stan.
There, there's this one part where you can dress up in Old Western clothes and get your photo taken in a fake jail.
Really?
-Yeah, it's pretty cool.
-"Pretty cool."
So, um, should we go to Black Bart's Cave first or watch the puppet show?
I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times.
And then we'll watch the cliff divers before the puppet show.
Dude, it's Kyle's birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do.
What? Fuck Kyle.
Ha ha, j-just kidding, birthday joke.
Of course we'll do whatever Kyle wants, uh. Happy Birthday, Kyle.
Happy Birthday to you. Happy-
Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Kyle. Happy Birthday to you. .
You take away the biggest part of me.  Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, uh baby please don't go.
Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, I just had to find my say to you tan...
Hello?
HAAAAGH! Who are you? Are you infected?
With what?
You're not a cannibal, are you?
No
Oh.  Oh good. You're a survivor, like me.
Look, Mr. Dog, another survivor. And it's a lady, too.
That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee!
Kid, what are you doin' here?
I'm rebuilding society. Here, take a look.
This is the library, and over here is the bank.
That over there I'm thinking into a P.F. Chang's or a Bennigan's.
And this  is a memorial to Eric Cartman, the person who gave his life so that I could rebuild society.
Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh?
I'm ready whenever you are.
Kid, I don't know what you think is going on, but this place is a dump.
Hey, that's not very nice! This is my first society! I'm doin' my best!
No, I mean you're at the garbage dump.
The town is right over there, everybody is fine, and I think they've been looking for you for over a week.
Oh...  Ma'am, can I use your phone?
We're here! We're here! Casa Bonita!
Aw man, this is gonna be so great!
Wait up, Eric. We need to stay together.
Uh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone.
Hello? Yes.
Oh, that's great!
Boys, they found Butters.  He's okay.
Oh, awesome.
I knew he'd turn up.
Yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why?  Oh really?
What?
Yes, I will certainly let him know. Thank you.
Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because he wanted to go to Casa Bonita.
What?
Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!
But... Casa Bonita.
I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!
But I...  but...
Stand back!
Cartman, stop it!
I... am going... to Casa... Bonita!
It's too late, fatass. They'll be here in less than a minute.
Less than a minute! Less than a minute!
Cartman!
Oh, awesome!!
Excuse me, excuse me? Can I get to eat some of your- Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, I've got to get to Black Bart's Cave!
Ah! Excuse me? Excuse me! Coming through to Black Bart's Cave!
Oh! Oh, scary! Look, a skeleton!  Oh man, I'm so scared!
Oh! Oh! Oh, that was awesome! Oh! Oh! Cliff divers!
Come on! Come on, dive!
Dive, asshole!
Oh, awesome! That was cool, huh?
Sopapillas! Can I get some sopapillas please?! Sweeet!
Oh! Booth! Puppet show! Puppet show!
Cartman!
All right, kid! End of the line!
Yeeeesss!
Jesus Christ!
Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh,
...was it wirth it?
Totally.

South Park S07E10 Grey Dawn

Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy.
...nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.
You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died!
Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets.
Mostly
It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way.
Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving?
It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own.
He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke.
No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me.
All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
Look out!!
Huh? Was that a stop sign back there?
Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive?
Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.
But they kill people.
Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan.
We can't just take their licenses away.
I'll be God-damned if they think they can take my license away!
Oooh, hi Dad.
I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors!
Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill!
Yes Dad.
-And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II!
-Yes I know.
And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive!
I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die.
Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet!
No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way.
You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!
Less miles means less gas, you old fool.
There's Country Kitchen right there!
Where?
Right there! You're gonna miss it!
Is this the parking lot?
I think so.
Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist.
Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman,
who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek,
where three construction workers and a bulldozer  were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom ,
who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet.
Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy,
though no decision has yet to be made.
Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell!
Yeah!
I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore!
Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete!
That's right! Now,
...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about?
Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting,
but I... can't for the life of me re-
Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No?
Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away!
Yeah! Yeah! That's right!
That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away!
And I, for one, am mad as hell!
Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too!
I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
So now, what are we gonna do about it?
Do about what?
They're gonna take our licenses away.
They are?? They can't do that!
That's right. So you know what I think we should do?
I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting!
Get all the senior together a the community center and unite!
Great idea, Marvin!
Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now.
...Oh, right, this is the meeting.
Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!
Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them!
Sharon, have you seen Dad?
He's not here, hun. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center.
Oh.  Wait a minute.
If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out...
Every senior in town will be driving home...
At the same time.
Oh My God!
Get inside! Get inside!
Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets!
All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime.
So long, everybody.
Goodbye, Missy.
Get off the streets! Get off the streets!
Old people are driving!
Gerald! Where are the boys?!
We've gotta get out of here!
The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!
They, they're... they're playing street hockey!
Oh My God!!
With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move.
Marsh heads for the goal and paases the ball to the poor kid.
The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again
...proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.
I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.
GET OFF THE STREETS!  GET OFF THE STREETS!
Dude, look!
GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!
What is that?
I don't know.
GET OFF... GET STRAIGHT OFF THE STREET!
Dude, is that your dad?
I think so.
Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.
-STREETS!! OFF-
What is he saying?
I can't understand him.
Calm down! We cannot understand you!
(Ohhhhh, look!)
(You guys!)
-Oh Jesus!
-Old people!
Come on!
Oh God, they're coming!
Get over there! Stay low!
Why are they all out driving at the same time?
It's okay, boys. They're gone.
Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find-
I don't remember there being a building here.
RUN!
I told you to turn left, Larry.
Get up the stairs! Up the stairs!
Come on! Come on!!
Aah! There's another one!
Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue?
In here!
They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!
Quiet! Keep quiet!
Dad, I'm scared.
Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here.
We'll stay the whole winter if we have to.
I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore!
Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights.
Here we go.
How the hell did we get up here?
I told you this was the wrong way!
Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses.
The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time,
...causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage.
Alrighty.  There we go. Next?
It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life!
That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us.
We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please.  There we go.
But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?
Some of us would rather die!
Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
We aren't second-class citizens!
That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride!
Yeah...
Ooooh, isn't this great you guys?
Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?
Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.
God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?!
Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Well, look at it this way:
Statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.
My God, he's right.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death.
Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys.
Except for you, Kyle.
Okay, all set?
(Oooooo my God!)
Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Go around. Go around, you moron!
Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
I believe that's us... thank God.
Could I see your license, please?
I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Well then, I have to take you to jail.
You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!
Stupid son of a- God damnit!
I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh.
Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look at you now!
Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch!
You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!
Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve.
We're not treating you like children, Dad. All right?
Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology.
Who needs to apologize, hm?
Who's the sorry-sorry?
Kiss my sagging ass!
Well fine. I was gonna bail you out,
but maybe you can just sit here for
a bit and think about what you did!
Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
What's that?
The American Association of Retired Persons!
The largest political group in the country!
When seniors like me are bein' descriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right!
And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!
And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a "Mongol," not to be confused with a "mongoloid"
...like the actor, Nicholas Cage.
Okay now, who can tell me in what
...year ...the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid...
That's odd.
Those ROTC guys are way off course.
More old people!
The American Association of Retired Persons.
Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back.
Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta!
Bravo Team is go.
Move! Move! Move!
Let's go! Let's go!
Uh, can I help you folks find something?  Oowww!
Old people gone mad!
Contact. Put your hands up, young man!
Marvin Marsh?
Yes?
I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP.
Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.
It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades!
There now, Mr. Johnson. We can go to the cafeteroa amd get you some creamed corn and toast.
Can I help you?
Help this!
The revolution is on, brother! We're taking control of the town!
Well, alright, well it's about damn time!
Hey everyone, we're taking the town.
Seniors, we're taking the town over.
The revolution is on!
The revolution?
Oh, I'd better get my other sweater.
Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun?
Oh, I suppose so.
What the hell is going on?!
Shut your piehole and get over there!
Randy, what is this?
Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!
Dad, what are you doing??
The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!
That's right.
Yeah.
Have you all got Alzheimer's?
The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that.
Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Heh?? No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!
This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before morp people get hurt>
The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!
All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
We've got company!
Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
All right.
What do you want?
We want our licenses back!
Yeah!
That's right. And we want more money in Medi-Care!
Yeah!
And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk!
Yeah!
Hey Dad.
Stan! Boys! You're safe!
Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
They've tried to stop them, son, but...
...the seniors get up so early in the morning they...
...get everything done before everyone else is even awake!
They're saying something about taking over the entire country.
Yes. And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them.
Wait a minute. You boys!
You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them!
No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it?
No, son. We... like to sleep in.
Two hostages come front and center!
They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you!
Run to the hills and find a way to fight them! Go!!
Boys, avenger me! AVENGER ME!!
All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town.
The old people have blockades here  and here .
The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter,
and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office.
So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
We can't fight them, Cartman.
No. But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply.
Here.
Country Kitchen Buffet?
Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do.
That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs.
And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
Yeah, I remember hearing about that.
Ech, even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down?
I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight.
We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people.
At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town.
Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed.
Nine o'clock: we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest.
We say our triple goodbye to Kyle, and them we send him inside.
...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in.
Well, right, or we could always do that.
All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move!
We're takin' this war further out!
All right!
Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh,
...all we want is our licenses back.
Heck no! This is goin' too well.
We're gonna take the whole country back.
Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!
Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile?
Come on, everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2!
What the heck?
Huh? What is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen should be open!
It's not open? It has to be!
Try a window.
They're blocked from the inside.
No...  Let us in! Let us in!
Open the door! It's six a.m.
Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us!
You have to let us in!
All right everyone, area secure.
Collect their weapons and free the hostages.
That was a great strategy, boys. You may very well have saved this entire country.
Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Country Kitchen... wha-what happened?
Sir, what should we do with this one?
It's up to the townspeople.
Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh?
Don't you feel silly now, Dad?
I think somebody owes us all an apology.
Yes he does.
Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault!
Huh?
Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child.
I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
That's right.
And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior,
but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family.
People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home.
Sure. I'll drive.
That's our Grandpa.
Dude, I hate my family.

South Park S07E09 Christian Rock Hard

God damnit!
Stan, are you okay?
Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our band.
Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths.
He's right, dude. We have to define our style if we're ever going to make a platinum album.
I mean, ah I'm a fusion guy, but Kenny's background is more Latin Jazz.
(What? Is it?)
Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B oriented.
I think out band better buy a whole bunch of music CDs to listen to for inspiration.
Inspiration.
Wait a minute,  that's it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you see?
See what?
Our band should play Christian rock!
Christian rock?!
Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right?
If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christiand will buy our crap!
That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
It worked for Creed!
I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian rock band!
You just start that way, Stan, then you cross over. It's genious!
Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! You're not serious and you're a detriment to the band!
Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that if I start a Christian rock band that I can get a platinum album before you guys do!
You're on, fat boy!
Okay, fine! Ready?!
First one to have a platinum album wins! Go!
What a stupid asshole!
Platinum album! Platinum album!
Gotta make a platinum album before Kyle!
Oh, hi Eric.
Butters! Get your drum set and meet me at my house!
We have to make a platinum album! Hurry, Butters!
...Ohhh!
No time to waste! Platinum album! Must beat Kyle!
Token! Get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house!
What?! We don't have a bass guitar.
Your family's black, Token! There's bound to be a bass guitar in your basement somewhere!
Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You must have some... ih-inspiration.
Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when he loses his ten dollars to me.
Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement.
I told you, Token.
So, what are we doing?
Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing,
...life-affirming, financially-windfalling experiences of our young lives.
Wow!
We are going to start... a Christian rock band.
Awww.
I'm out.
Wait!  Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it the rest of your life!
Christians have a built-in audience of over one hundred and eighty million Americans!
If each one of them buys just one of our albums at twelve dollars and ninety-five cents that would be-
Two billion, three hundred and thirty one million dollars.
Still want to leave, Token?
Thank you.
Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?
Three hundred dollars?? What in the world for??
Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in.
We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound.
Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance already.
Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? Music is my life!
It wasn't your life yesterday.
Hold it.  Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul.
And I know my place is up on that stage.
I'm gonna make it to the top. And I just want your blessing, Pops.
The answer is no, Kyle.
Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!
Kyle, don't belittle your own people!
Hey dude.
It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs!
No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you can download music for free on the Internet!
Really?
(Yeah!)
You got a computer?
See? Everyone on the Internet copies their music from their CDs,
...and then we can download them for free and play them on the computer!
All right, cool.  Let's donwload some Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder.
(Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
Kenny's right. We should download some Judas Priest, too.
Judas Priest.  Wow! Downloading music for free is awesome!
What the hell is that?
I don't know.  Let me go check.
Freeze!! FBI!!
Down on the ground! Down on the ground!
Hurry up! Let me see those hands!
Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects in custody!
Move move move move move move! All clear, men!  Get your ass going!
Kyle, what did you do?!
I don't know!
All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy.
All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them.
See? All we have to do is cross out words like "baby" and "Darling" and replace them with...
...Jesus.
All right, Butters, give me a beat.
Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line.
I don't know how to play bass.
Token, how many times do we have to go through this?
You're black. You can play bass.
I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!
Be as sick as you want, just give me a God-damned bass line!
God-damnit!
All right. Nice, fellas. Nice.
<i>I need you in my life, Jesus.
<i>I can't live without you, Jesus
<i>And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.
Awesome!
Um, sir-
Shiut up!!
You downloaded a lot of songs!
Says here you even downlaoded Judas Priest?
That's hard time you boys are lookin' at.
You got anything to say for yourselves?
We d-didn't think it was that big a deal.
Not a big deal!
You think downloading music for free is not a big deal?!
Put your couts on! I'm gonna show you something!
And I don't think you're gonna like it!
This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the drummer for Metallica.
Look. There's Lars now, sitting by his pool.
What's the matter with him?
This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed right next to the pool,
...but thanks to people downloading his music for free,
...he must now wait a few months before he can afford it.
Come. There's more.
Here's Britney Spears' private jet. Notice anything?
Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV.
Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free.
The Gulfstream III doesn't even have a remote control for its surround-sound DVD system.
Still think downloading music for free is no big deal?
We... didn't realize what we were doing, eh...
That is the folly of man.
Now look in this window.
Here you see the loving family of Master P.
Next week is his son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted was an island in French Polynesia.
So, he's gonna get it, right?
I see an island without an owner.
If things keep going the way they are,
...the child will not get his tropical paradise.
We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again!
Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else...
I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
Almost there, you guys.
Why the hell did you tell us to dress nice to take us out here?
Because, Token, we have to take pictures for our album cover.
The key to a hot-selling Christian album is a flashy inspirational album cover.
Wow, neato! An album cover!
This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!
I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
What did you say?!
Nothing. All right, guys, stand over there and look wholesome and cool.
I have a timer on this thing so I can get in the shot too.
Cheese!
No no no! Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover?
You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care!
Cheese!
No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool!
Oh...
Token, look away to the right.
More.
More!
Why the hell would I be looking way over there??
So it looks like you're too cool to care that you're on an album cover, you black asshole!
Now just hold it!
<i>Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
<i>My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door.
<i>I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.
<i>Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.
Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. Sorry for all the trouble they caused.
It's all right. I think these boys learned their lesson.
Boy, I'll say!
If you parents will just step over here, you can pay their four hundred dollar release and penalty fees.
Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading some songs off the Internet?
It's not that big a deal.
Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me!
I'm gonna show you something!
And I don't think you're gonna like it!
Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go back home and get back to band practice.
(Yeah)
No! Didn't you guys learn anything?
Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet.
We won't make a dime!
Oh yeah.
Until we get people to stop downloading music for free, I say we refuse to play!
(Yeah!)
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the rock band, MOOP, has refused to play.
The strike started yesterday and could go well into next week.
Oh hey guys. How's it going?
We're not letting you back in the band, Cartman! Fuck off!
I don't wanna be in your crappy band, guys.
I just wanted to let you know, the album for my Christian rock band,
Faith + 1, is about to go platinum.
It is??
That's right. We already sold thirteen copies.
You wanna pay me that ten-dollar bet, Kyle?
You get a platinum album for selling one million copies, you fat turd!
It's just a matter of time, my friends.
This weekend is Christfest. The single largest gathering of Christians in the Midwest.
Each one of them a walkng, praying wallet full of cash.
And I'll be there selling my album.
You'll never get a platinum album doing Christian rock, Cartman!
It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!
Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity.
I know enough to exploit it.
Just get that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Tata!
Go ahead!
People will just download your songs for free on the Internet anyways!
What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler than his.
(Yeah.)
Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm!
Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.
Yes, it's really the best Christian album that's evern been produced, actually..
Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren.
They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics.
I think that's what the whole world needs, praise Christ.
Huh we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are.
Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 2003!
Are you ready for some live music?
Yeah Jesus!
Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity!
<i>The Shepherd and the Light, and His Word lifted me up
<i>And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go.
Damnit!
If we're gonna sell our hot Christian album, we have got to get on that stage!
Hey is this the way to the backstage?
Who are you?
We're the band Sanctified.
We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.
Yeah. We proved that Christian music can be tough and hard core.
Yeah, you guys are real hard core.
You bet your gosh-darned rear end we are!
All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys are up next.
Yeah! Let's do it!
Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory!
Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa play with you before you go onstage.
Well, that, that's cool.
Always good to be praying before you're playin'.
Let's just go over here so we can hear ourselves better.
Lord, Father in Heaven, we thank you for all your blessings and we...
Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out.
All right, Christians, how are you feeling tonight?
Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!
Let's keep this salvation train going with the hot band, Sanctified!
That's Faith + 1.
Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change.
Give it up for ... Faith + 1!
You know, Jesus?
I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song.
<i>I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me
<i>I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!
<i>You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right?
<i>What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!
Your love... is my life!
<i>You know when I’m without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!
<i>I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to
Dude, I didn't know being in a band was gonna be this tough.
Yeah, it's tough.
But it's times like these that... you see what your band is made of.
We've gotta fight through the rough times like Journey!
"Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play,
and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on.
In a recent poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet.
One percent said yes. Two percent said no.
And ninety-seven percent said, "Who the hell is MOOP?!"
Back to you, Tom.
Hey, are you the guys protesting free Internet music downloading?
Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!
That's right. Metallica is behind you dudes a thousand percent!
We're gonna sit here and protest with you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!
Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike is growing!
As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving!
It looks like Alanis Morissette, Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens of others are going to join MOOP in not playing music.
This is a veritable Strikapalooza!
Guys, we here at Faith Records were very moved by your performance at Christfest.
You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard!
Thank you so much. Christ has really blessed us with talent.
We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh...
"I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two."
"I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you."
Ih it seams you really love Christ.
Yes, we sure do.
Eh no but ih it appears you are actually... in love with Christ.
Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ??
Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-
Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ,
I mean, uh, what the heck is this??
Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God,
and not for the money.
I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money!
If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now.
Uhm, oh.
That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold.
K-tal Records  presents the most inspirational Christian rock band in the world!
Faith + 1,
...featuring the very best in good, wholesome Christian music.
<i>Oh Lord you are my Savior!
<i>You know I miss you so much when you are gone.
With great inspirational songs like "I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday"...
<i>Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday.
<i>I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus!
<i>I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!
The CD is filled with instant classics.
Who doesn't remember...
<i>The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned!
<i>The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own!
<i>You're one time, two times, three times my Savior...
<i>Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross
<i>I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot...
This album is not available in stores and limited quantities are available,
...so order now!
I can't take this much longer.
Maybe we're just, not cut out to be in a band.
You guys, we can't give up on our dreams now!
As soon as this strike ends, we're gonna be the biggest band ever!
Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free!
I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute that people have agreed to stop.
Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?
That's us!
Dear MOOP.
This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies.
What??
We cordially invite you to attend the platinum album award ceremony,
which will be held tomorrow morning at ten.
Details and proof of sales enclosed.
P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha.
He did it. Cartman got a platinum album.
Is this for real?? This is for real!
He beat us.
Because all this time we've been so caught up with how to protect our music
...that we forgot to just play.
But why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars.
Because that's what real artists do.
People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free.
If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening.
Besides, maybe our sound would have gotten downloaded for free,
but if they were good songs then people still would have bought tickets to see our band in concert.
From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music!
We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?!
...We're just about the money.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman. Are you- gonna pay 'im?
I don't have a choice, dude.
I'm gonna swallow my pride, face Cartman, and say "Congratulations. You were right"
And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars.
And hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it.
Welcome! Welcome everyone!
Please enjoy! The presentation should begin shortly.
Cartman, what the hell is all this?
Our platinum album ceremony. I spared no expense.
But you spent all the money we made!
We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, black asshole.
There's hors d'oeuvres and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone!
Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!
Let's just get this over with, Cartman. You won the bet, here's ten dollars.
Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold on.
Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention please?
We like to praise Christ!
Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise Him. I think we're ready to start now.
Welcome to the presentation ceremony for Faith Plus One.
And now to present the award, here's Michael Collins.
This is the worse day of my life.
Ahhh, this is the best day of my life.
Boys, in recognition for over one million records sold,
the Christian Recording Industry is please to present you with this Myrrh album.
Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?
I thought albums win either gold or platinum.
Nono, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh.
Congratulations!
Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album!
I don't owe you anything, fat boy!
You mean to tell me I could never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?!
No, but you can go double myrrh.
GOD DAMNIT!!
Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name in vain.
Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
OH, FUCK JESUS!!
Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F-word about-uh Jesus.
Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.
Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I could never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! Fuck Jesus!
My ears are bleeding!
Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!
Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole!
Hm. Guess he got what he deserved.
Fuck you, Eric.

South Park S07E08 South Park Is Gay!

Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
What? Tell us?
So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy come on, right?
So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top.
Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
I know!
(I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!)
Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.
Hey dudes.
What a dork!
What?
Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall!
Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear.
You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend.
Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th.
Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all??
We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys.
(That's the truth.)
Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover!
You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright.
It's true. You bring out the best in me.
When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better.
It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better).
Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Staight Guy!
We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!
Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men.
My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days.
Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted.
Hi Mom, Hi Dad!
Kyle! What's happened to you??
I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen!
Oh my God!
Come on, Sheila!  We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!!
Oh hi Gerald, Sheila.
Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys.
Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.
Oh, is the game on or something?
Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!!
Geraaald! Hi Gerald.
Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on.
Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too??
Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual.
What's that?
Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.
Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture.
It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz?
Don't our men look
Haven't you seen Quuer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila?
These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best.
It is?
Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat.
My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures.
And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house.
My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. OOOO, I love it!
And how about our boys, huh?
Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day.
This is the greatest thing ever.
I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far...
Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!
That's true, you guys.
When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us.
(Woohoo!!)
All right. Let's work it!  What the...?
Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classies.
Okay, sweetums.
Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am fr-eaking a-out!
Hey dudes.
Hey Craig.
You guys look pretty gay.
Thanks.
Not as gay as us, though.
Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you!
Oh yeah?! We're superduper triple-dog gay!
Oh yeah?! We're all just super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
What's all this fightin' about, children?!
These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!
Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too!
Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!
No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay!
We're metrosexual!!
Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags!
GOD I HATE CRAIG!!  That son of a... djah!!
Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual.
Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool.
All right children, let's take our seats.
Good morning Mr. Garrison.
Well, uh d-don't you all look nice.
Oooo, Timmy.
Dude! W-what are you doing?
I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.
HA! Told you you guys were straight!
We're not straight! You're straight!
You're straight!
You're straight like a freedway!
What the hell is going on??
You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!!
I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite.
...So? I'm half bisexual!
Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!!
Eric, you're not half-bi!!
I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.
WHAT??
It was the crazies thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave.
All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool.
I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore.
Oh, Jethuth Chritht.
Look at that, Mr. Slave.  Our cup runneth over.
Jethuth Chritht.
Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.
Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too.
Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?
Uh, for what?
Well, you know...
No.
Mr. Garrison!  Hey doll.
Oh hey Randy.
You're looking ultra-fabulous.
Wull thanks. You too.
So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?
Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that.
Not, not like that?
How about some shirazz, guys?
Uh-OH, thanks, Mr. Tweek.
My pleasure, silly-buns.
Oh, wuh, welluh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place.
Why?
Well, you know, I was just thinking we could...
put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Woohoohoohoo, Jethuth Chritht.
Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight.
Straight?
Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?!
Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?!
Well, we don't "pound butt," Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!
Heeey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!!
Sokay, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now.
One of you?!
We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!
Have you guys seen this?
It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp.
Wow, is that from Origins?
Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-
Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around?
Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay?
And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle.
Well, what can we do about it?
We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle.
What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle!
We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore.
Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
Yeah. Wait, what?
You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy.
Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there.
When was the last guy you had a manicure, straight man?
Yeah, let's see that hair.
Look, he's not even using any product!
Hey, what's goin' on?
Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend!
He's not our friend.
Stan?
This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man!
Take your non-flaming ass to some other school!
No! Ah!
Kyle! What happened to you?!
I got beat up at school... for being different.
WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
No! For not being a metrosexual.
Gerald! Gerald, get down here!
Heeere I come!
Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?
Kyle! You look terrible!
The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.
Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle.
We can cover that black eye up with some cream base,
and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look.
Gah! Just leave me alone!
There you go! Now you look fabulous.
You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps.
That does it! I know what I have to do!
Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison.
Chef, can I talk to you?
Sure. Come on in.
Thanks. Come, Slave.
Oh, it's just awful, Chef!
I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town!
Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!
Oh Jethuth! Jethuth Chritht!
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
How did you do that?
Well, like with our slang.
Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here."
But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse."
Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie,
...then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle,"
...and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle,"
...we have to say ""flippity floppity floop."
We don't have time for all that, Chef!
Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing.
Wait. That's it!
I know exactly what to do!
Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.
Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that!
One ticket to New York, please.
You're going to New York alone?
I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people.
Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes.
Mrrh.  Mr. Garrison?
Kyle, what are you doing here?
I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people!
What?? That's what I'm doing!
Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first!
They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours!
I thoght of it first!
No you didn't! No you didn't!
Did so! Did so!
I thought of it yesterday!
I thought of it two days ago!
I thought of it before you were born!
Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is?
Oh. You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together.
Cool.
Wow, we look great!
Yeah, and let's see Craig outgay us now.
Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men!
Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men!
-Oh my God!
-Let's go! Let's go!
You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!
Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!
Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?!
You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
I know what you mean.
All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror.
He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
Guys, you've done a terrific job.
Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show!
What can I say? We're fabulous.
You guys are changing the world!
And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!
Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint.
Room service.
What? We didn't order any room service.
Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.
Carol? Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas.
Clear!
Okay, Mr. Slave!
Unh, Jethuth  Chritht.
Well crap, that didn't work.
You'd better shut up, Craig.
Everyone knows it's true!
It is not!
Is so!
Craig! Behave yourself!
Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?
Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can outdress you!
What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about.
Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.
Oh really?!
I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman.
Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
Oh no, errrr!
Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?!
Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?!
You don't... like us being metrosexual?
NO!
Well, you know what I think?
I think you're all metrophobic!
Yeah!!
What?
We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these!
This is crazy!
Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want.
But us metros are real people, just like you!
You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!
Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.
That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys?
I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade.
Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness!
We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers!
(Woohoohoo!)
Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!
Out of the malls and into the streets!
What the hell did that show do to them?
You sure you don't want to press charges?
That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong.
Especially in those pants.
Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but...
You have to stop what you're doing!
Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV!
But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind.
Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours.
If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left.
Sorry Charlie, no sale.
Buh... but... this doesn't make sense!
How can gay men do this to their own people??
Unless... you're not gay at all...
You just had to push it, didn't you?!
Just had to keep asking question!
Now you know the truth!
They aren't gay? Then what are they?
We're a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust!
Banished by man in the Kindling Wars.
Oh my God.
We are the Crab People!
Jethuth Chritht!
Craaab People! Craaab People!
See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years!
But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone!
Gone??
Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force,
and so we came up with our perfect plan!
If you can't beat man,  change man!
I knew it!
I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind!
When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!!
Craaab People! Craaab People!
Taste like crab, talk like people.
Craaab People!
You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual!
I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!
Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals,
...then we will make you into crab people!
Take them!!
All things just keep getting better
You... came into my life
and my world never looked so bright. Yeah.
It's true. You bring out the best in me.
When you are around, when you are around,
All things just keep getting better.
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway!
We're here! We're not queer!
But we're close! Get used to it!
That does it! I can't take it anymore!
I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.
Ladies, get yoru things! I know what we have to do!
Whoa, look out!
Oh my God, it's on fire!
Put it out! Put it out!
I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!
The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this!
Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed!
Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!
Put it out! Put it out! Fire!
Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over!
Now, we've got to do something with yoru hair.
And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.
This is gay gold!
Stop them! They're crab people!
They cannot see or hear us, foolish man.
Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helplesss!!
That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket.
No Mr. President!! Don't do it! Help!
You bastards!
That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer.
There they are! Get 'em!
What?
You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!!
It's payback time!
Oh my God, what are they doing?!
Oh noooo!!
Wha? What have you done?
We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice.
You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat.
We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier.
But it doesn't.
That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes,
it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to.
We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys.
Well you're going to jail for thi-!
Wait a minute.  What is that?
No! Our evil plans! Noooo...
Oh my God. They were crab people.
Yes!
They were tryingn to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world!
-Mom!
-Kyle!
I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jefferson.
So now, can you please change your network's programming?
Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over.
Gentlemen, back to Studio 12!
We're gonna bring back the Latin fad.
Hey eses.
Hey Jefey. You want some cerveiza?
Kyle.
Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us?
What? Y-you want me to hang out with you?
Yeah. It's cool, holmes.
...No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned yoru backs on me.
You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing!
And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened?
Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us.
Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude!
God-damnit!

South Park S07E07 Red Man's Greed

Wow, dude.
Man, Indians have it good, huh?
Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
Welcome to the Three Feathers Casino. I'm your host, Chief Runs With Premise.
Please try your luck at one of our many games.
All right, let's go!
Halt.  I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor.
I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?!
You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club.
All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club?
All right, time to win some money!
Oh yeah! blackjack table!
Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo.
Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!
Relax, sweetie  I know how to count cards.
Well I don't wanna play here!
Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickle slots.
Oooo, the nickle slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot!
Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em.
All right, time to show these people how to gamble!
Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons!
What is Native American comedy, anyway?
"Thank you, thank you.
Bear walked into a bar.
Bear said to Deer,
"May I please...
have a drink?""
And so Deer said to Bear,
"Why the big paws?"
Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote.
Pony said to Coyote, "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?"
Coyote said to Pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?"
And Pony replied, "Because I am a little horse."
How's it goin', Gerald?
Ohh, not so good.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks.
Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.
Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars??
I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem.
Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!
Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out!
Where did you get that kind of money??
The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip.
Dealer, twenty one.  Sorry.
That's it. I'm destitute.
Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup! Wha- what's in the cup?
Just six quarters!
Oh God. Oh Jesus.
Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow.
Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass!
How am I going to tell my family?
How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to ...pack up our things and ...get out of the house?
There's daddy!
Oh, Jesus.
Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over.
Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go.
What, What did you say?
I said I wanna leave.
Oh, you wanna leave, huh?!
Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave!
What?? No, no, I mean, I-
No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!
Gerald, what are you talking about?
Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave!
Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore!
Well I'm callig the moving company right now!
Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude.
What's wrong with Gerald?
He... he lost his house to the Native Americans.
What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go?
They don't care.
Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away!
Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo.
Yes, but we have milked this simple mountain folk almost dry.
If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city people from Denver.
Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan.
A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino!
And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way?
Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled,
in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway.
But how can they do that?!
The Native Americans have purchased the land from under us.
Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership.
Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank.
The Native Americans bought the bank.
Oh my God.
Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes.
No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves!
Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park!
How much do we have to raise, Mayor?
Three hundred thousand dollars.
Ohhh, never mind.
How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away?
Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!
Native Americans.
Our whole town, gone.
We'd had such great times here.
We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans!
Yeah!
Yeah, this is our town!
We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team!
-That's right!
-Yeah, ahh, that's right!
Yeah, we're a team!
We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars!
Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys!
We can get Kyle infected with AIDS!
And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go!
No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?
We need somethng that'll get us money tomorrow!
Hey, I know! How about a dog parade?
Dog parade?
Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street.
It'll be so adorable!
How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that?
Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads.
Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters!
Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now.
Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!
How can you do this to people?
We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits.
There's more to life than profits!
Well like what?
Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff.
Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well.
Yeah.  So long, South Park.
Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars!
A dog parade?
No!
Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow.
I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle!
The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one.
That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand.
Boys, that's ridiculous.
Look, we, we've got nothing to lose.
What do you guys think?
It's a long shot.
Yeah.  But it's the only shot we've got to save our town.
The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars.
But in the end managed to raise only ten.
The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park.
All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here.
Dad.  Good luck.
It's in God's hand now.
Stand aside, everyone!
What are they doing?
We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise!
Ten thousand dollars!  On thirty one black!
Impossible!
Come on! Come on!
Thirty one. Black.
Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!
No... NOOO!
South Park is saved.
We have plenty enough to save our town now!
Yeah! But wait.  Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million!
We can save the town and be super-rich!
Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!
Let it ride!!
Woohoo! Yeah!
What the hell are they doing??
Let's go thirty one! Let's see it!
Two, red. You lose.
Damnit!
Hmmm!
Theh, they had it! They freakin' had it!
You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.
Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling.
You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!
Stan? Okay?
What???
All right? Stan? Okay?
You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!
Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?!
Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes!
So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians!
I'm sorry, Native Americans.
There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here.
Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless.
Jezuth! Jezuth Chrith!
Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money!
Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now.
We have to take what they'll give us for our homes.
There you go. Have a nice day.
Come on, you guys! This is our town!
It's over, Stanley. What else can we do?
We can stay. And fight.
Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!
(Yeah!)
Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!
I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics.
It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move to the next town over.
Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too!
What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go??
We have to stand up to them now!
Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys!
You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies!
Get out of our way!
No! We won't let you destroy our town!
Boys. It isn't your town anymore.
Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours.
We grew up here. Our parents grew up here.
We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chilis.
We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks.
This is not just a town, it is our way of life.
Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move!
You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away!
And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh?
We are strong
No one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong
Both of us knowing…
Love Is A Battlefield
This land is not for sale.
Damnit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
They were!
Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money!
Filthy bastard Native American money!
Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that.
This isn't over!
We'll never give up! You bastards!
Yeah! South Park is ours.
But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever.
We can stand here as long as it takes.
What is the state of our people?
Last nignt I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon,
our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino.
Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fiftenn percent every day.
Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land.
But they are determined and proud.
And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare,
further hurting our net assets.
I already have a plan how we can force them off our land... sneakily.
We're going to give them...
...blankets.
Blankets?
Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering.
But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS.
They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo.
Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets.
Okay, bring them in!
Let's see how South Park deals with this!
Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket.
Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there.
Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado,
where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans
...from building a superhighway through their town.
The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too.
What do they want?
We're not moving, assfaces!
Free blanket?
Though I know we have differences, we believe a compromise can be reached.
In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold.
Will you not take this offering as a gesture of goodwill?
You had me at ""free blanket."
Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...
Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of goodwill towards the South Park people.
What an incredible display of compassion.
I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it.
Please. As a token of good faith.
You... understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you.
It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh.
Well, thanks.
Oh. You're welcome.
Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions.
The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out,
which means, nobody can come to our aid.
It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for.
Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner.
What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle.
It's all right, dad.
How's your... mother?
She's hanging in there.  Here, drink some beer.
It's cool on my tongue.
You're gonna be all right.
Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live.
No, Dad, NO.
Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people.
The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us.
Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left.
What can I do?
You... must find a cure for SARS, son.
And save our people.
Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!
The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, Stan.
Seek out the wise man in Bellocreek.
Now go. GO!
What?
Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-
Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people.
Come in.  Watch the cats.
Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?
Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down.
You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey.
An inward journey? That sounds kind of gay.
Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way.
Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions.
Ah! Oh, dude!
How much longer must we wait for our superhighway??
SARS has spread through the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise.
Their wills will break soon.
Then I suppose we must be patient.
Runs with Premise, come quickly!
What is the matter, wife?
It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick.
Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?
He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS!
No! I told you not to touch them!
Papa. Papa...
I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life.
But nothing seems to be working.
This would never have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away!
No more waiting around!
Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan!
Shock and Awe!
Dad! Dad!
Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision??
Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and... told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS.
Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite.
Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone!
Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for.
Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan.
Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth!
What the?  Wait a minute.
Stop! Stop!
Your, your SARS. Where did it go?
We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture.
My son... Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well.
You... you can cure him?
It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him,
but your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart.
Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life.
We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives.
You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return,
I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino.
All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town.
And you can all have your homes back.
All right! Yeah!  Woohoo!
Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town.
It's a community that nobody can split up.
Dude, who the hell are you?
Alex. Alex Glick.
I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.
What?! Get the hell out of here!
Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Joe!

South Park S07E06 Lil Crime Stoppers

Yes?  Oh, hello, boys.
Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives.
We're wondering if you have any crimes to be solved, for a dollar.
Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh?
Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now.
Awww, shit!
All right, sir, well, please call us if you need anything.
I'll do that. Have fun, boys.
Stupid assholes!  How come nobody has a crime to solve?
Yeah, maybe starting a detective club isn't such a bright idea.
It's a great idea, we just have to keep working at it.
Oh, hello there boys.
Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit.
Do you have any crimes you need to be solved, for a dollar?
Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well let me thi-oh yes! There is something!
Really?
Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked cherry pie out on my window sill to cool.
And later, when I went to get it, it was gone.
My God...
Have you reported this to any other authorities?
Noo, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids.
Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am.
We're on the case.
What have you got, Marsh?
Detective McCormick found something interesting.
Jesus, we're too late.
I think we can piece this case together now.
My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened to the pie?
Well, we've all talked it through and we've come up with a theory.
Well, what do you thnk happened, little detectives?
You said you set the pie in the window sill, where it must have sat for some time.
But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody.
Your husband.
He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet.
Slowly the rage built inside his mind.
Why won't she let me eat that pie? Why does she always stop me from doing what I wanna do?!
His only solution became obvious: Kill her!
His plan was to use a hammer.
Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing instant death.
Then to make it impossible for police to identify the body, he'd use a shovel to remove your head.
Then saw off the arms and legs.
The torso he would dump into the lake.
The arms and legs he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub.
And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie.
But before he could go through with this entire plan,
he discovered that the pie had already been eaten...
...by your dog.
Looks like the game is over, old man!
Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching??
Just the news.
All right, all right, you you boys run along now.
Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady.
Fine, here, just go!
Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar!
We're in business!
Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp in Washington
Boys, you have a little visitor.
Is this the South Park Crime Unit?
Ah! Oh.
Yes it is!
I lost my dollie.
Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will be all.
And get some more cookies and coffee! We're not paying you to sit on your ass!
Do you kow where your doll is?
If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost.
All right, Sarah, come over here.
Now, I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny.
She has curly blonde hair.
And a red dress. And a turned-up nose.
And a blue bow in her hair.
You got it, Ken?
All right, let's see.
Damnit Kenny, that's not what she said!
Put that away, dude!
Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll.
No sign of forced entry.
But the window isn't locked.
Right, so it's possible that the theif sat out in that tree.
He would have watched Sarah with the doll, possibly while cutting the palms of his hands with a large knife.
The pain gave him sick pleasure.
Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy.
He would have had to have brough a shovel to decapitate it.
We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room.
All right, let's do this by the books!
McDonnell,  give me smears of all the places the doll used to be!
Mitchell,  run a tap on the phone!
Hey, kid, what are you doing?
Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?
Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this investigation!
...Not anymore, you're not!
Hey, this is our case! You can't come in and take over!
Can't we? You guys are playing Detective. We're playing FBI.
That gives us jurisdiction over you!
Aw crap!
I want choppers on the roof ready to go!
Dude, we've beem working this case since two-thirty!
Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know.
Son of a bitch stupid FBI!
Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat.
No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives!
We've just gotta find that doll before thos FBI guys do.
(Yeah!)
Yeah, but how?
We're gonna have to just start bringing in people for questioning.
Right. I think I know exactly where to start.
Where were you this morning at nine o'clock, Butters?!
Ah, I was at home.
Your story is full of holes and I'm gonna beat your ass if you don't start tellin' the truth!
(Awww, don't be so hard. Maybe he's tellin' the truth, huh?)
They've really gotten good at this good cop-bad cop thing.
You're going down, Butters! You hear me?!
(Aw. Now just be nice. Poor lil thing.)
You're worth a two-dollar criminal and you're lying!
(Aw, please don't make him confess.)
Well I don't have nothin' to confess. Honestly.
Fine! Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample.
How do I do that?
You just make the semen come out of your body and fill it in this cup!
Well how do I make semen... come out of my body?
-Stop playing games!
-I'm not playing. I really don't know!
That does it! Wait right here!
Guys, did you hear that?
Butters doesn't know how you make seme come out of your body.
How... do you make semen come out?
I don't know. I was hoping you guys did.
It's that thing we learned about in school where you pull on your weiner until white stuff comes out.
Really?
Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull and mager...venate your weiner really fast.
Oh okay.
Okay, retard, you really don't know how to make semen come out?!
No-o!
Follow me to the bathroom.
(Aw, it's okay kid. It's just done in a jiffy)
Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your weiner
until white stuff comes out, and then put it in this cup.
My weiner??
Yes, retard. Semen comes from your weiner. Now do it!
Well Butters?!
Ah I'm pullin' on my weiner, but nothin's happening.
Well pull harder!
...ow... Ow... It's not workin'
Try doin' it faster
Naw, nothin'
Butters, do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your life?!
NOOooo!
The you'd better get that semen sample no matter how long it takes!
Okay!!
Cartman! Cartman!
We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house!
Let's go!
Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me and Doctor... Flick here just need to... check your vagina.
-That's gay.
-Yeah, that's gay.
Kyle!
What?
What??
I see two guys inside.
They have Sarah Peterson's doll,
you stupid Jew!
They've got the doll!
Okay, okay. Ready?
Break the door down!
Huh huh who is it?!
South Park Junior Detectives! We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll!
They're playing Detective.
-That's gay.
-You're gay!
What do we do now?
I don't know.
Well if they're not gonna give us back the doll, then we have no choice.
Let's go tell on them.
Dude, we just can't tell on them.
Why not?
Because, dude, we're playing detectives!
Detectives don't just go tell on people.
Detectives!
If you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off!
We were playing gynecologists and now we're playing criminals
-That's gay.
-We're gay.
Jesus! They're gonna kill her!
We've got to do something.
Time! Time is what we need, but time is something we ain't got!
Attention! You in the house!
This is Agent Tucker with the FBI!
We have you surrounded. Sort of.
Hey, you buttholes can't play FBI here!
Yeah! This was our hot lead!
And you did a great job leading us here.
Now you just stay out of our way!
That gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll!
Or we'll tell on you!
We're gonna charge the front door and go get it.
No you're not.
Damnit man, this is not the time for negotiations!
There's a little doll in there about to have her head twisted off!
Time out, kid!
We say you can't charge the front door, and you have to obey what the FBI says!
That's the rules!
Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us!
Yes it does so!
(What do we do now?)
We go get the doll ourselves.
But they said we can't charge the front door.
That's right.
But they didn't say anything about going in the back.
Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that doll.
Oh crap, they're coming in the back!
Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse!
No you didn't!
Did so!
No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor on.
We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, assface!
All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm going slo-mo!
Oooh, they got me!
-We're dead.
-That's gay.
We got it.
Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?
My dollie!
We got her back safe. We lost a lot of good men in the process.
Well you boys are little heroes.
I'm going to call the police department
and let them know what brave little detectives you are!
Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County Police.
I heard you did a great job finding Sarah Peterson's doll.
We do what we can, sir.
W-hell, that's fantastic, kids.
And for all your terrific sleuth-solving, I'm hereby making you all Jenior Detectives.
Wow!
That means you boys are now an official part of the department.
Kewl!
All right, so ready for your first assignment?
Sure.
Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567 Mala Vista.
The operators are probably armed to the hilt with illegal weapons.
I want you to get down there and see what you can find!
Ah... a a a meth lab?
I don't want any problems. Just take them down by the books.
Now get over there; the mayor's all over my ass on this one!
Oh, and deputies:
You screw this up and I'll have you working graveyard shift behind a desk!
Move it!
What is a meth lab, anyway?
I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I wanna get home in time to warch Crime Drama.
Uh police. Open up.
...Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework?
Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it.
You die, pigs!
You want to die, huh?
You won't take us alive!
So long, coppers!
Damn.
One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars,
one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand,
the second floor of the post office AND a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand!
The mayor's gonna have my ass!
Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the-
You got careless!
Now, I don't know how they do things down
at that dog-and-pony show they call the
Fourth Grade, but here we have rules!
Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
We're sorry.
One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?!
Now hit the showers!
Well well well, if it isn't the supercops.
Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?
Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
Relax, Hopkins!
All fun and games, right?
Soho, tell us, rookies, you ah... find yourself a little bonus in that house??
Uh bonus?
Come on! We all skim a little off the top.
Oh. Or are you too good for that?
So you think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
We just wanna be junior detectives.
LOOK, we all work hard!
And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid!
So what if we take in a little on the side?
Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!
I said, back off Murphy!
Why don't you and your rookie friends make us
-That's right. Come on, bring it!
-Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
What the hell is the problem here??
No problem, sir. No problem at all.
Then hit the showers, all of ya!
-Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore.
-Me neither.
It'll get better, guys.
Better how, dude?
Look, we said we wanted to form a club to protect and serve South Park.
We put all this time to it, I mean... What do you guys wanna do, huh?
Go back to playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat Owners?
We were happy playing Laundromat Owners.
I wasn't.
We started playing Detective because we wanted our play time to mean something.
Or have you forgotten why you joined the force, Kyle?
Hey! Broflovski's a good cop!
You guys can go back to playing Laundromat Owners if you want, but...
I'm not gonna give those kids playing the FBI a chance to laugh at us.
See you guys at school tomorrow.
Eric, where have you been? It's ten thirty.
We had to take down a meth lab on Mala Vista.
Well you should've called Mommy.
Will you get off my back?!
It's hard enough I gotta work the beat, and now I gotta come home to your nagging?!
Look look, I'm I'm sorry.
It's just this case, and... the guys down at the station,
I... I'm tired, alright? I'm I'm tired.
Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' night-night, and I'll bring you some toasty chocolate nummers?
Okay.
Butters?
Yes?
Are you still trying to give a semen sample?
Well I'm tryin', but nothin's comin' out.
Well, keep tryin', Butters.
Okay.
And so you can see, children,
that the women's movement of the late fifties and the early sixties
had a profound effect on feminism in America.
Uh, boys!
Would it trouble you terribly not to sleep in my class?
Uh wu we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.
Oh well, then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties!
A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?
Right, but who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?!
That's what I thought! Now pay attention!
Okay, children, now, the biggest fatass was an old skank by the name of-
Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman! In my office!
Looks like that meth lab you took down was the tip of the iceberg.
They found a paper trail leading all the way to the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.
The operators apparently run their business out of a sleazy strip joint down in Inglewood.
They're all cop killers, so I'm sending you in undercover.
Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework to do tonight and I was-
"What?! Now you listen to me!
I'm givin' you one last chance!
You're good cops, but you let your emotions get in the way!
And your little "shoot first ask questions later" technique has no place in this century!
Now you get down to that strip joint and you do it by the books, you got it?!
The mayor is on my ass and blablablah!
So, what did you boys have to say to the lieutenant?
Nothing, he just told us a bunch of stuff.
Maybe you decided you needed to tell him about our... bonus money.
No.
They're lying.
They're dead!
Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, I would be in super big trouble.
Would you like a dance?
No thanks.
Dance?  Anyone like a dance?
Well all right, guests, put your hands together. Be sure to tip the dancers. And now, come on, let's here it for Candy!
What the hell are you kids doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate place for children
Dance? Anyone like a dance?
Uh, it's okay. We know the owner.
Oh, really? Let's go see.
All right, so we'll have to start havin' the McCormicks make our meth again and-
Hey Gino, these kids say they know you.
What? Ha-I don't know no kids.
I didn't think so. All right, you kids-
Hey wait a minute.
These kids might be just what we need to get our drugs past the security at DIA.
How would you like to join our family?
Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids before, man. These kids are 5-0!
-What?
-These kids are cops, man!
(Pakew! Pakew!)
Kenny, it doesn't go "Pakew! Pakew!", it goes "BANG BANG BANG!!"
God damnit! Those junior detectives and their heroicly reckless ways!
Murphy! Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there!
Dance??? Anybody like a dance???
Freeze! South Park detectives!
Great job, boys. You found the meth boss!
Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the hell are you doing? We had a deal.
A deal?
That's right. We're partners in the drug business.
Everything was fine until these "supercops" joined the force.
Now we've gotta kill you all.
Boys! Down!
Huh alright guys, put your hands together, a lot of shootin' and killin' goin' on, but be sure to tip your waitress let's hear it for Rebecca.
Christ! Those junior detectives have no regard for the law!
Get me a hard line to the phone! And I want choppers on the roof!
Who the hell are you??
Agent Fields, FBI!
Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation.
Not anymore, you're not.
But that's not fair!
Is so! Is so!
Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let anybody know about our partnership.
That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty!
That's right.
I think we'll take a hundred percent now.
Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business like this, sometimes partnerships need to end.
That's right.
Sometimes partnerships need to end.
Well, supercops, looks like I'll be taking in all the money now.
I'm in business alone. And that means that the only person I can't trust...
is myself.
It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got what they deserved.
If it weren't for you boys, we would have never cleaned up the department.
All right, detectives, let's get one thing straight!
I do not agree with your methods! You're uncontrolled, and you're negligent!
But by God you get the job done. Congratulations!
Thanks.
I'm probably going to regret this, but, well, I'm promoting you to full detectives.
There'll be lots of action, and that big paycheck you've always wanted.
...I think I have a better idea.
Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski Laundromat.
Yes, I have a suit that needs to be dry-cleaned. And pressed, please.
Certainly.
Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your laundry is all done and folded.
That will be nine ninety five.
On your American Express.
Fellas! Hehey fellas! I got it! Ah I got my semen sample!
You did?
Yeah. I was up there poundin' my weiner for two days straight,
aaand finally, I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs,
and this little timy spooge of... this white stuff came out.
That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing laundromat owners.
Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?