South Park S08E06 The Jeffersons

Hey, check it out, dude.
Somebody bought the Donovans' old house.
Yeah, I think they already moved in.
I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago.
I hope they're not Austrians.
That's the last thing this town needs.
Hey look!
Hello.
Hey. Do you live here?
Yeah, I just moved here with my dad.
Are you gonna be my new friends?
No.
I really like your town.
My dad wanted to move somewhere
to get away from it all.
He said he wanted piece and quiet,
and to live with a bunch of hicks
who don't know anything.
What's that you're wearing?
It's my mask. My daddy says it's best
for me to hide my face.
My name's Blanket.
Your name is Blanket. Right.
Well, Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody,
and these are my friends Timsy, Winky and Nod.
Unfortunately, we have to be off to the
Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now.
Wait, don't you guys wanna come inside and play?
Huh look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay?
You know what that means? It means
we don't hang out with a little kid.
Come on, guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels.
We have arcade games inside.
Dad?
Whoa. Dude, no way.
Oh my God, this is awesome!
Dude, are these all your toys?
No, this is all my dad's stuff.
He loves toys and video games.
Dude, he must be loaded!
What does he do?
He's retired now.
Oh my God, dude! Your dad must
be the coolest dad in the world!
Come on, my dad's probably out in the back yard.
Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?!
Dad, you out here??
Here I am, Blanket!
Blanket!! Oh my beautiful blanket!
What's wrong with his face?
Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's
a burn victim or something.
Guys, this is my dad,
Michael Ja-
Jefferson!
Michael ...Jefferson, yeh.
Hey, you wanna play with me?
Come on, let's climb the tree!
Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree!
Have you been up my ...Wishing Tree? Tuh!
It's where I come to think and dream.
And now I'd like to show you my
...Wishing Tree. Jam on!
Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee!
Imagination is the key.
Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up.
Won't you imagine along with me?
Mr. Jefferson?
We can be spacemen, or pirates on the sea Chuckajam on
Yes we can do everything, and I mean,
everything! Chuckajam on
Up in my Wishing Tree! Hee hee!
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
Hey you guys! You guys! You gotta
come with us over to the Jeffersons!
The Jeffersons?
They're a new family that just moved to South Park!
We met this kid named Blanket, and
he has the coolest dad in the world!
Mr. Jefferson said we can invite
all the kids in town to go play over at their house.
They have like, video games and rides
and a cotton-candy machine
oh, and, and in their back yard,
guess what they have in their back yard??
Guess.
A train.
No way.
Yeah way, Craig!
And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson,
then you can just not come!
I believe in Mr. Jefferson.
Weeeeeee, look at us on the swing!
We're swinging!
Who wants the first cotton candy?
Memememememememememe...
Mememe! I'm first! I'm first!
Ooooh, let's go ride the choo-choo train!
Choo-choo train! Yay!
Let's ride the train! The train!
Would you like to ride the train with me,
and start a magical journey?
Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson.
You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson.
Cartman, you have a beautiful voice.
Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.
Let's ride and ride on the train together
... Train together
On a journey through both of our minds.
... I've got time. Do youuu??
Dude, what happened to your knee?
I fell down.
Mr. Jefferson!
Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games.
Choo-choo train.
Mr.! Goddamnit. Here, come on.
We need to clean that up.
Alright, this is gonna sting for a second.
- Ow!
- I know, I know. Be cool.
Thank you. That already feels better.
So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters?
I have a half-brother and a half-sister.
But they live with their mom now.
And where is your mom?
I don't have a mom.
You must have a mom.
You mean she doesn't live here,
or she's dead, or what?
No. I was made in a laboratory.
What?
My daddy wanted to have a baby,
so he put me in a test tube.
Then, they put me in a woman's tummy,
and, when I was born
Daddy took me home.
So you never met your mom?
Noo... But I used to have a lot of
bodyguards and nannies, if that counts.
Yeah. Yeah, that counts.
Oh man, that was great!
You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said?
He said I'm his best friend,
and I can go over to his house whenever I want!
I'm supposed to go right back
over there after dinner tonight!
You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid.
You feel bad for him?!
He has everything a kid could want!
Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants
to be a kid, not have one.
Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense!
A guy moves into South Park with
a FERRIS wheel in his back yard,
and KYLE has to see a problem with it!
Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's
happened to this town in a long time,
and if you miss this up, so help me GOD,
I will rip your balls off with my bare hands!
With my bare hands, Goddamn you!
Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon.
I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.
Oh, are they nice people?
Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.
Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches
over for dinner tonight.
Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say
you moved here from Kentucky?
Kentucky, yeh.
I heard people saying you all were from Illinois.
No, theh, they're ignorant. That's ignorant.
What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?
Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals
Well our boys have really taken a liking to you.
You seem to really have a way with them.
I just id- identify so much with children.
Their innocence, their beauty.
I think that God is in the face of every child.
....Yeeeah.
...They are fun.
Boys, you okay out there?
Fine Mom.
Wow, these are great.
What are they called again?
They're TV dinners.
Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat?
Nah, I'm not supposed to.
Dad says I have to keep my face hidden.
What the hell is going on?!
Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!
No, my parents are.
You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away!
What?
He is MY friend, got it?!
I was friends with him before you assholes were,
and I hoowi-
Stan! Stan, I'm serisouslih!
You'd better not be talking bad
about me in there to Mr. Jefferson!
Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today.
Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson?
Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?
I think he's definitely going to jail.
I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance.
think it's wrong what the police do
to wealthy black men.
Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're
not one of those who think
that the police go around framing rich
black people just because they're jealous..
Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and
they have... doodoo in their soul.
Hey Sergeant, take a look at this.
Whatcha got?
Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park.
One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought
a house there and paid cash.
He seems to have a lot of money.
So, what's the problem?
Take a look. Says here...
He's black.
By God, so he is. Black and rich.
Time to take this Mr. Jefferson
down, just like we did Kobe.
Let's go people!
We've got another rich black guy.
I want him humiliated and dragged through
the dirt, and I want it done by the books!
Kyle?
Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'?
Mr. Jefferson- Awww!
It's 1:30 in the morning!
Look at me, I'm Peter Pan.
T-shamon!
I'm a little boy forever.
Hey!
Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow!
Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it!
What the hell are you doing, Stan?!
I'll tell you what you're doing!
You're trying to steal MY best friend!
He just showed up here.
Remember, Mr. Jefferson?
You said we were best friends.
Jesus Christ!
Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard.
Hi Stan.
He was out all alone in the middle of the night.
Mr. Jefferson isn't even home.
I know. He's here.
What??
Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party!
No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home.
We can't go home.
There's a ghost in our house.
Me and Blanket are scared.
Dad says it wants to eat us.
Please don't make us go back home.
Please! We're scared, we're scared!
We're scared!
Hee hee!
Okay, fine, we'll all stay here,
but we're going to sleep now!
Come on, Blanket.
Now let's all sleep and dream Heehee!
of fun and adventurous things shamon!
It's time for us all to say goodnight
Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you
all the time. You're awesome.
I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Haaa!
What's the matter, Stan?
Did you have a bad dream?
Yeah. A really bad dream. Oh Jesus!
Murphy, you inside?
We're inside, sir.
Harris was right. This guy looks like
he has more money than all of us put together.
Black sonofabitch!
I'm planting the cocaine now.
Johnson, what about you?
Placing the blood spatter now, sir.
Frakes?
Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir.
All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up,
arrest him fast and try not to beat him.
There could be neighbors with video cameras.
Why do we do it, Harris?
Sir?
Why is it that us policement around
the country have such a passion
for framing wealthy African-Americans
with crimes they didn't commit?
Oh why? I guess I never thought
about why, sir. We just do it.
Twenty-five years I've been on the force.
I've seen every kind of sick,
depraved act known to humanity and still,
when I see a black man walk
by who has more money than me, I...
want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter.
But why? Maybe there is no reason.
Maybe there's just a big blue ball
out there that's mostly covered
with water and we're just goin' along for the ride.
Stan, time to get up for school.
Stan? What the-?
Mr. Jefferson?!
Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party.
Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!
Inappropriate?
No, you're being ignorant.
They're my friends.
You see, I I didn't have a childhood,
so I'm really just a child myself.
Here, everything's okay.
I want you each to have a hundred dollars.
Wow, I'm gonna go buy that
new sport coat I've been wanting.
Come on, Blanket.
We have to go home and feed the animals.
Bye, friends.
Boys, I do not want you going over
to Mr. Jefferson's anymore.
Do you understand?
You don't have to tell us twice, Mom.
That guy's a freak!
Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore?
Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh,
but you can suck my fat hairy balls!
Come on, Blanket!
Hey Harris Harris Harris! Harris!
What what what?
It's Jefferson! He's back!
All right, people.
Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home.
Whoa, wait a minute! That guy isn't black!
Holy God, his son isn't black either!
Oh Jesus !
This is Yeats! Stand down! I repeat,
stand down! Suspect is not black!
You son of a bitch, you told my
this guy was African-American!
It says right here on the final sheet he is!
Does that look like a black guy to you?!
It said on the final sheet!
Jesus Christ Monkeyballs!
We could have made an innocent man
go to jail who wasn't black! Oh!
Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to...
protect the people.
Where have we lost our way?
Sir, it's possible that he is black,
even though he doesn't look it.
To hell with you!! I'm never gonna
frame an innocent man again!
Unless I KNOW he's black for sure!!
All the adults are trying to get us.
Get up to your room, Blanket,
and put your mask on!
We can't go outside anymore!
That poor kid.
Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there.
Hi guys!
Hey Blanket.
Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my
dad chop wood. You... wanna come with?
Really? You mean it?
Oh yay, my friends are here!
Come inside and play, guys!
Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing
if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us
Chop wood? No, that's ignorant.
That's poopie work.
Blanket and me wanna play!
Mr. Jefferson, ih it might be good
for Blanket to learn how to chop wood
Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket?
Wee, look! He can fly!
Jesus Christ, dude!
Aaaaaah!!
Stop, you fucking lunatic!!
Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him!
No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying.
It's okay, Blanket. Here, look.
Jeekabee durtah! Ow!
There, Blanket, shhhh.
Hey, hey look, hey look. I got your nose.
Look! Lookit, I got your nose.
I got your nose, Blanket. See?
I got your nose.
Aaaaaaaa!
No, Blanket, stop!
It's ignorant. You're being ignorant!
Harrison, why haven't you called?
You know how I worry.
I'm givin' up, Maggie.
I'm quitting the force.
Quitting the force? You?
None of it makes sense anymore.
I don't even know if what we're doing is right.
The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case,
trying to get a real scumbag off the streets.
And when he walked up to the door,
I could have sworn he was white.
Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore.
Maybe it doesn't matter.
Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy,
he's back out on the streets in no time.
It's just like OJ.
Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him?
The tireless hours they put in??
And then he just gets off because somebody messed up
and said the N word out loud too many times.
I guess I'm just tired. I'm jast damn tired.
Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yeats.
Believe me I would love nothin' more
than to have you quit the force
and no longer have to worry about
whether or not you're comin' home.
But I know you. Framin' rich black men for
crimes they didn't commit is in your blood.
Wipin' that rich, smug smile off their faces is
the only thing that puts a smile on yours.
You're a good cop, Harrsion Yeats.
You don't have to question that.
Because I'm here to tell you.
And you're a good wife, Maggie.
You know me better than I know myself.
Where're you goin'?
Think I've got a little more work to do.
Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend
in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman.
Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember?
No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you,
you have to fly out here right now!
My nose came off again!
I know you live in California;
I'll pay for your plane ticket!
But I'm falling apart!
I need some more of that cream and the injections!
I have to look young again!
Oh, I'm melting!
All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
You just gotta pretend you're Blanket
until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe.
Aren't I too big to be Blanket?
I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough
attention to his son to notice.
Come on!
Blanket, you in here?
Hi guys!
Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you
away for a little while, okay?
You are? Oh thank you thank you thank you!
All right dude, get in his bed.
All right, but you guys owe me for this.
Dude, whatever. At least you finally
get to do something.
Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl.
Hello, this is Sergeant Yeats over at the
Park County Police Department in Colorado.
Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?
Well, we've been trying to frame
this guy who just moved into our town
and the fil-o-fax says he moved from yoru area.
One Martin Jefferson?
Hm. No, we never had a any rich
African-Americans named Jefferson here.
If we had, we would have framed him ourselves.
Well, he doesn't really look that black.
Yeah, I don't uh...
Hold on a second.
There was oine we framed a couple of times,
but the black bastard was so rich he made bail
and disappeared before the trial.
You say he disappeared?
What did you frame him for?
We uhhh found some kids
that had stayed over at his place,
and we asked them to lie and make
up some false molestation charges.
Molestation, nice.
Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years,
but we were finally able to arrest him.
Then we planted some evidence,
took embarassing photos of his penis,
and threw him in a dirty prison cell
with doodie feces on the walls.
You should have seen him squirm!
That's damn fine police work, sergeant.
Damn fine.
Heh yeah, but the point is this
guy didn't really look black either.
We had to sneak in while he was
asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure.
Jesus Christ Monkeyballs!
It must be the same guy!
Mr. Jefferson, hello??
Come on, Blanket! We gotta go
before your dad sees us.
What are you doing with my Blanket?
Come on, Blanket, play with me.
Jeechabee durtah! Hee!
HAAAAA!
Go go RUUN!
HAAAAA!
Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!
Oh Jesus!
What the hell is going on, you guys?
My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket!
Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!
Wee, he can fly! He can fly!
Aaaah! Aaaah, stop!
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastard!
Blanket? Blanket! Come play!
Nooo!
Come on!
Run Blanket Run!
Hang on, Blanket!
Heehee!
Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up!
You are wanted for child mo-les-tation!
No! I am sick and tired of
people harassing Mr. Jefferson!
All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson
moved here are sick lies!
That he molests children, that he's a
bad father, that he has plastic surgery!
It's ignorant.
Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different.
But that's because he had to work
all the time when he was young
and missed out on his childhood.
What's wrong with wanting to have
the innocence and beauty of a child.
All right, let's just say all the bad things
said about Mr. Jefferson are lies!
Let's say the police department does
just go around spending their time
framing people for crimes they didn't commit!
Let's say it's all made up,
and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy
who's trying to be a child because
he never got to have a childhood.
Well that's fine, except for that
he HAS children now!
And when people have children,
they have to grow up!
You're right. I've been so
obsessed with my childhood
that I've forgotten about his.
I thought having lots of rides
and toys was enough, but...
Blanket doesn't need a playmate.
He needs a father, and a normal life.
Chickuckoo gainuh.
Blanket, I wanna give away all my money.
I I wanna get a normal job and...
take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.
Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy.
Well, if you're gonna give away
all your money, then,
I guess we can drop all those charges.
No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
All right! Things just might work out!
Things can always work out,
as long as we know we have the power to change.
We all have the power to change
if we search inside our hearts
And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays
And you know it might be hard,
but all you've got to do is start,
And you can change all of your evil molesting ways.
Jejabee durtah!

South Park S08E05 Awesom O

Due to this week's tragic events
in Hawaii the "Lemmiwinks"
episode of South Park will not be shown tonight
Instead, we present the all new and
slightly better episode, AWESOM-O.
Episode 8x02
AWESOM-O
synchro [VO] : Ozone
www.forom.com
What the heck?
Whoa! What a huge package!
" To Butters Stotch. "
Oh boy ! It's for me ! It's for me !!
"Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa."
Wow ! A package for me from Japan !!
Wow, what can it be?
My birthday isn't until September 11th.
Oh boy ! I've never gotten a package this big !
I've always wanted to have a huge package.
Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
Whoa...
I have been sent from Japan to serve
as your personal robot.
You... you're my robot?
Yes. I will be your new best friend.
Oh wow !
Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot.
He can walk and talk and everything.
You're like the fourth kid I told already.
Well I gotta go Dougie.
My robot and I have stuff to do.
Heheh, they're all so jealous !
I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O.
You're the best friend a guy could have.
Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In fact, you should
tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets.
AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell
your secrets to other people and stuff.
Hey yeah ! Well I can tell you anything, huh ?
Well lessee... Well, for one, I have
what's called a heziated colon
which means I sometime can't control
my sphincter.
Could be.
Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop
my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school.
You okay, AWESOM-O ?
Yes. AWESOM-O is fine.
Please go on.
Well, I have to take medicine for it every day.
It's a little suppository I have to ...put up my rectom.
That, that's very interesting.
Tell AWESOM-O more secrets.
Hm, okay. Let's see
Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes
I get picked on by this one kid at school.
his name is Eric Cartman, and he always
tries to play jokes on me and stuff.
Oh, really ?
Yeah. One time he made me think
a meteor had hit the earth,
and convinced me to stay down
in a bomb shelter for three days.
Heh. Wow, that sucks.
Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended
to be me on the phone to my dad
and called him a pussy,
so my dad came home and beat me.
Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.
No, he's not smart ! He's just an asshole.
And he's never gonna play on me ever again!
Really ? You think so ?
Well, guess what, Butters.
I have a surprise for you.
Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again!
Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets !
What ?
When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard,
he likes to dress up like Britney Spears
and pretend he's her !
Hi sings and dances around with a
life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake.
You saw that ?
Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it !
- Nuh uh.
I've got the whole thing on tape !
Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout !
No way.
Yeah ! And if Cartman ever messes with me again,
I'm gonna show that video to everybody !
Then I'll lhave my revenge, boy howdy !
...Um, where is this videotape, Butters ?
Huh ? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere.
Hey ! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O ?
Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape ?
How come ?
Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like,
back it up for you
, and make copies and stuff.
I am AWESOM-O.
Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O.
Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you.
Oh, son of a bitch !
Hey there have you heard about my robot friend ?
He's metal and small and
doesn't judge me at all.
He's a cyberwired bundle of joy.
My robot friend.
I like to dip and daddle
with my robot friend.
He's smart as can be and emotion-free.
And he's computin' his way to my heart.
My robot friend.
My robot friend.
My robot friend.
My robot friend.
Ohhh, that's so cute. Did you see
Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot.
Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative.
Leave it to them to find a fun way
to do the dishes.
That's great AWESOM-O!
You can carry all my laundry in one trip!
Ah, Buttters, it's getting late.
You should be getting ready for bed soon
Okay Mom. Well, come on,
AWESOM-O. Bedtime.
Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night?
Well of course he is.
He's my robot, ain't he?
That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?
AWESOM-O does not have a mom.
Yup! Don't you know nothin' about robot?
Come on, AWESOM-O!
You can put my laundry away!
Aww, that's just adorable.
It's good to see Butters finally have
a friend that wants to stay over.
I like to brush my teeth in
the morning and at night.
The teeth won't mind ..
Jesus Christ I can't go on like this.
Butters, remember when you said you had a
video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears?
Oh. Yeah.
I would like to see what he looks like
so I can beat him up for you.
May I see the video?
Awww, you don't need to do
that, AWESOM-O.
Hey, I gotta put in my suppository.
Can you help me?
What?
Remember I said I put that medicinal
suppository in my anus?
It'll be so much easier havin' you
do it from now on.
Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not
programmed for that function.
Haw, it's real easy.
I'll show you.
You just take this little thingy out of
the plastic... paper, and and I'll,
I'll pull down my pants ...
and just slide it up in my anus there.
...No way.
AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed
to do whatever I tell you.
Weak!
Yeyeah, that, that's pretty good.
Get it up there good and deep.
Lame!
All right AWESOM-O, time
for us to get some sleep.
Hey, you want me to teach
you some bedtime songs?
If you leave me now, you'll take
away the biggest part of me.
AWESOM-O must rest!
His CPU system overloading.
Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O.
Let's get us some shut-eye,
or what, or whatever robots have.
Where is it? Where is it??
AWESOM-O??
AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing?
Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing
your stuff for you.
Aw Jeez Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be
awful sore when she sees this mess!
Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot!
You can't do no chores for me unless
I tell you to do them! You got it?!
AWESOM-O understands.
Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin',
AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!
Just know, AWESOM-O,
that I did it because I love you.
Okay, come on, let's go
make some breakfast.
Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!
Look at that, AWESOM-O!
I drew a picture of us playing in a field together.
Ah I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight.
I would like some Sunny Delight too.
Don't be silly, AWESOM-O.
Robots don't need to drink nothin'.
Whoa. Uh go answer the door, AWESOM-O.
AWESOM-O will answers the door.
What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot?
I just need to uh make Butters think
I'm a robot for a little while longer.
Why?
Because I need to, all right?! I've got something
planned that's uh gonna be really sweet.
Just play along, okay?
Why?
Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?
Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?
Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Ah, hey fellas! Ah I see you met my robot.
Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.
Hey he sure is!
Hey he sure is! We do everything together.
Why last night we even had a slumber party.
Weak.
He can do anything I command him to.
He's real smart.
Watch this: hey AWESOM-O, will
you go get my friends some Sunny Delight?
Yes, of course.
Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O,
I'd also like some celery sticks
chopped up two inches long,
with peanut butter and raisins on top.
Suck mah balls, Kyle.
He's made in Japan!
Yes, it has just been a delight having
your son over, Mrs. Cartman.
He and Butters are really getting along great.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch.
Eric has been having some
emotional problems lately.
Well, the reason I'm calling is
that Butters is supposed
to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles
this weekend.
The boys are getting along so well that
we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along.
Oh, well, I'm not sure.
Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded
for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.
Excuse me, I didn't catch that.
Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him.
Yes, of course he can go.
I'll bring some of clothes over.
Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere.
AWESOM-O, what are you doing?
My friends are waiting for their beverages.
Chop chop!
Hey guys, great news!
It's been arranged: you two are both going
to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!
Oh boy! My robot gets to come
with me to see Aunt Nellie?!
What?
Oh boy, AWESOM-O!
We're gonna have the best time ever!
Lame.
Hey Nellie, guess what I found
scrampin' around the airport.
Howdy Aunt Nellie!
There's my little nephew!
How was your flight?
It was long. We had a three-hour delay
...departin' Denver,
but we're here!
Didn't ya bring any bags?
Well, sure, but my robot is
bringin' them in.
Your robot?
Butters' new friend is a little strange.
He, he really takes playing Robot seriously.
There he is!
AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie.
Hello! It's nice to have you here.
AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste.
Where is the nearest toilet, please?
Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.
Thank you.
I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip.
Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing,
or are you guys hungry after such a long flight.
Nah, I ate on the plane.
And AWESOM-O is a robot,
so he don't need to eat.
Right...
AWESOM-O?
Aw-Aw-AWESOM-O is coming.
Come on, AWESOM-O!
We're gonna go a-sightseein'!
I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friend
We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun
We're two of a kind- That's me!
And my robot friend.
My robot friend.
My robot ...friend.
Can you believe we're at a real live
movie studio, AWESOM-O?
Aren't we havin' the best time?
Butters, wouldn't you like to have
some time away from AWESOM-O?
We could meet up later, perhaps?
Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O.
The film studio commissary.
That's where all them rich movie producers
who come up with uh,
Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch.
Neato, huh?
Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie
studio can't come up with any winners?
I mean, we're smart, right?
We're really smart.
We need an idea for a movie that's a home run.
A feel-good romp for the whole family.
Hey, what's that over there?
Wow, that's a really neat little robot
you have there, little boy.
What's he do?
Well, he can do anything.
Watch this
Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win
the Superbowl next year?
The New Orleans Saints.
Hey, Mr. Robot,
how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Seventeen.
Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Yeah. Maybe that robot can be
programmed to come up with movie ideas!
Exactly!
Gentlemen, this little boy was kind
enough to let us show you his robot.
The AWESOM-O 4000.
I've already seen what he can do.
Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot.
It's not?
No, it clearly had bipedal movement,
so the correct term is "computerized automatron."
Oh, very nice, Mitch.
You are the smart one.
Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron
can help us come up with new movie ideas.
How can a robot come up with
better ideas for movies than us?
Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the
current trends of the movie-going public
can you come up with an idea for a movie
that will break a hundred million box office?
Um... okay. How about this:
Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl,
but then it turns out that
the girl is actually a ...
...golden retriever, or something.
Oh, perfect!
We'll call it "Puppy Love"!
Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!
Yeah yeah! Let's hear it! Yeah,
we wanna hear it! Come on, come on!
Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler...
inherits like, a billion dollars,
but first, he has to, like,
become a ...boxer, or something.
...Yes, it's flawless!
Punch-Drunk Billionaire!
Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O?
Can you believe those guys paid us
a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?
You should split that money with AWESOM-O.
After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
Hahaa, right! What are you gonna
do with money, AWESOM-O?
Buy some robot pants? Haha, no!
We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O.
I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries.
Ye, you okay AWESOM-O?
AWESOM-O needs to rest!
Feeling faint.
Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O.
We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow.
Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that
we live in a time of uncertainty.
The risk of an attack on American soil is higher than ever.
Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk.
Two days ago our intelligence department
came across this:
The AWESOM-O 4000.
It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies.
Our sources say that in just one week it has
come up with over one thousand movie ideas,
eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler.
That's incredible!
You're thinking the robot could be
used to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
No. If we got our hands on that robot,
we could reprogram it and turn it into a weapon!.
Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
Hold on a second: If that robot is
designed for entertainment,
turning it into a weapon is unethical.
Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist!
We understand that the robot is from Japan!
That means that the Japanese have more of them!
And if the Japanese fabricates one
of them into a weapon before we do...
Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again.
But worse. With robots.
I I'm sorry, I must protest.
We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese
have developed a robot with offensive capability.
You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist!
National security is our jub.
Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles!
I want that robot!
Yeah, me and my robot are still
over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie.
We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor.
Movie idea number two thousand
three hundred and five:
Adam Sandler is trapped on an island
and falls in love with a coconut.
Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break.
I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O.
You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O.
I was just wondering... are you by chance a ...pleasure model?
...What?
Well, have you been programmed
to... satisfy... urges of humans?
AWESOM-O does not understand.
Let me show you what I mean.
Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie.
These movie studio guys are real nice.
LAME!
Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money.
I can't believe it either.
NOT COOL! TOTALLY LAME!
AWESOM-O?
Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah,
AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction.
AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go?
Let's go! Move, move!
AWESOM-O?
Hey, what are you doin' with him?!
That's my robot!
AWESOM-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Are those arm and leg locks secure?
Secure, sir!
Good. I don't want that robot mobile
until I know what it's capable of.
All right, power it on.
What the hell?
What's going on?
It... powered itself back on.
Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.
Where the hell am I?!
Hey, why can't I move?!
Are your systems stable?
Run a systems check on your CPU.
The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!
Ah, I'm sorry, robot, they want me to reprogram you.
I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive.
What did you say?
I said I'm a real person, asswipe!
...Oh my God.
What's happening?
The robot... It thinks it's alive.
It's developed consciousness.
What? How can that be?
Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the...
interlaced BV system.
Speak in a language we can understand,
Mr. Scientist!
Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
Goddamnit, get me down from here!
Who made you, robot?!
I'm not a robot, I'm a human!
Jesus, the scientist was right.
But, who would have programmed it to think it was human?
The movie studio?
Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman!
I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!
Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too.
Sure, why not?
Program the memories of some
eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist,
and make the robot think he's real!
Makes for a lot better movies!
I'm not reprogramming a robot
that's developed consciousness!
Do I have to remind you of your position?!
Don't forget you have a duty to your country,
Mr. Scientist!!
Scientist!! I want that robot's memories
and consciousness E-RASED,
so we can take it back to Washington!
GOT IT?!
Damn you all to hell!..
Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend?
We used to laugh and play,
but someone took him away.
He was my ten gigahertz old pal.
My robot friend.
Hey, wait a minute.
Why, that's the van that- Oh my God!
Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!
It'll all be over soon, robot!
Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot!
Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!
What the hell are you doing?!
Well I, I'm saving a conscious being!
If you wanna kill it, you'll have to go through me!
Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!
No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can
show you stupid assholes who I really am!
AWESOM-O!
I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
No!! No, please!
Don't kill him! He's my best friend!
He's my best friend in the whole world!
There. You see? You want
to tell me this isn't humanity?
Who's to judge what makes
somethng human anyway?!
Does this make me human?!
Or this?! Or these?!
Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot.
Maybe we as a society need to
realize that artificial intelligence
... is intelligence all the same, and
we can learn from the robots.
I think maybe one day we can all-
Heh- wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart?
Hey, robots don't fart!
Uh... now ending fart sequence.
Oh, and it, it smells, too!
Smell sequence initiated.
A robot with smelly farts?
That doesn't make any sense.
Hang on a second here!
Would you like to touch my body?
Come on and touch my body!
Oooo, my hot body!
Don't you like my hot body?
Come on and touch my titties!
I felt them just like ???
Come on Justin, touch my body!
Mmm, Justin, yeah!
Touch my body! You and me!
Check it out, my not-hot body!
Come on, my body!
Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!
Lame...

South Park S08E04 Fucked in the Ass

Episode 8x05
You Got F****d In The A**
Dude, these little remote-controlled cars are kickass.
Sweet. I made mine go off the jump.
Dude, my car sucks. I gotta get a new one.
Hey, who are those kids?
Yeah, how you like that y'all!
Let's bring it to these losers.
Aww yeah!
Whatchoo got, huh?! You got nothin'!
Damn! You just got served!
Aww man!
- He got you, dude.
- Now that kid is gettin' served!
Aww man, look at them!
They know they can't trip to that!
-Yeah! We're outta here!
- That was smokin'!
- They didn't do nothin'!
- Sorry y'all, but tru not to let it sting too bad!
You got served!
Come on! They had nothin'! Let's go y'all!
Come on y'all!
...What the hell just happened?
Oh. Hello there, children!
Chef, we just got served.
Oh boy... Well come on inside, children.
I'll make you some cocoa.
Have a seat, children.
Just try to relax and breathe.
- Are you all okay?
- Yeah.
All right. Now, where did you get served?
Over at the True Value parking lot.
There were just these kids we never saw before
showed up and they were like,
really good dancers and, we don't really
understand what it means, but I guess...
Okay okay, relax children.
Relax.
It's all over now.
Just try to calm down and sit tight.
I'm gonna call your parents and let them know you're okay.
Mrs. Marsh?
Hi, it's Chef.
Yeah, I'm good. Listen :
Stan and his friends just got served.
Yeah.
Yeah, over at the True Value.
No no, he's fine.
They're all fine.
Yeah, it was some kids from out of town.
Apparently they were pretty good dancers.
They really let 'em have it.
Here, Stanley, I made your favorite potato dish.
I want you to feel better, okay.
What's the matter with him?
Oh. Stan got served at school today.
You got served?
By who?
- Some, kids from Orange County.
- Let's not make a big deal out of it.
So wha- so what'd you do?
D'you dance back?
No.
What? Yo-you got served and just
stood there and took it??
That was the right thing to do.
Naw, that's crap, Sharon!
Stanley, when somebody challenges you to dance,
you have to dance back at them,
or else they'll think you're weak.
But Dad, I don't know how to dance or nothin'.
Well then, it's about time you learned!
Put on some loose-fitting clothes
and meet me in the garage!
- But Dad...
- Now !
All right son, dancing is all about a frame of mind.
Now, I'm not telling you to go around
challenging other kids to dance,
but when they challenge you,
you just look 'em straight in the eye,
and give 'em this.
Come on, Stan.
...six, seven, eight.
Dude, that is a sweet RC car.
Yeah, let's go race it right now.
Well, what we got here?
It's the white boys that were served yesterday.
You want a little more, homeboys?
- We're not interested, thanks.
- You're not interesetd?
Not interested in this??
Oh Lord, look at those moves.
Oooo, they are takin' it out!
Oh man, they are getting served!
Ooooo, it's getting hot out here!
Have mercih!
- Oooooo, look at that!
- Lord!
Gettin' served!
Yeah! Go Stan!
Oh no!
No, stop Stan!
You don't know what you're doin'!
All right Stan!
HA! You just got f'd in the a!
- Wha?
- Yeah! YOU got served!
- Yeah!
- That's right!
- All right!
- No no no!
Okay.
All right. We got served.
So now, I guess...
It's on.
What?
This Saturday!
Our top five dancers against your top five dancers!
OC Convention Center. It's on!
It's on! It's on!
It's on! It's on!
Oh Lord it's on!
Oh damnit!
I knew that was gonna happen.
We'll see you Saturday, fools!
Yeah, and you'd better have a lot better dancers with you
than those loozas!
- 'Cause it's on!
- It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!
Stan, what the hell did you dance back for??
I thought I was supposed to!
Now you've gotta compete against them
in the dance competition on Saturday!
But why??
Because if you get served and served them back,
then it's on!
Don't you know anything??
Well, nice going, Randy!
Really great advice you gave our son here!
What?
Those kids showed up to serve Stan again
and he danced back!
- So what happened?
- It's on!
Come on now, keep it tight!
Good. Now watch that timing, drill team!
- All right!
- All right!
- Yeah, bad ass!
- Yeah, that was tight!
Not bad, kids.
Not bad.
Not bad?
South Park doesn't stand a chance!
- I heard that!
- All right, it was good.
But we don't want "good,"
we want pain!
Uh ex, excuse me.
Yeah?
Hi, uh, my name is Randy Marsh.
I'm I'm Stan Marsh's father.
Oh, so you're the father of the boy who's gonna
get f'd in the a on Saturday?
Dang!
Uh, listen.
Ih, it was my fault that Stanley
served your boys the other day.
Uh, I told him to do it and I...
Weh well look I, I just came down here to tell you...
Ih it's not on.
Oh, it's on!
Nonono, it's not on.
Whoo, it's on all right!
It isn't on.
Nothing's on.
- It's off.
- It's on!
I'm keeping my son home on Saturday.
I just came by to let you know so you can...
put a stup to all this.
Good bye.
Hold on a second, clamhead!
You think you can just roll in here
and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?!
You're just trying to make us not practice,
aren't you?!
Because you KNOW that your kids are goin' down
when my kids give them this!
Give me some moves out, Girl T!
Check this out!
- Yeah! You like that?!
- Oooo man!
Ohhh Lord!
Oooo, he is gettin' served!
Randy ?
Randy, oh my God!
What happened to him, Doctor?
He got served.
Worst I've ever seen.
Old fool went down to the OC
to try to reason with the other team,
and he got served up somethin' fierce.
Oh Lord...
His dancing was so fast I...
couldn't do anything.
His moves were...
so original, so inventive.
Shh relax, Mr. Marsh.
We just got the X-rays back.
He mostly got served here
and here
But the worst serving was here in the pelvic region.
The road to recovery will be a long one.
Boy.
Boy. You must really wanna take to
to those Orange County kids now, huh Stan?
Are you kiddin'?
Stan is probably ready to pounce on them
after what they did to his father!
I, I don't know.
He seems all right.
I could only imagine the rage building inside you, Stan.
I bet you can't wait to outdance those OC bastards!
- Yeahh I'm I'm right here, Dad.
- Stan, listen to me.
I don't want you feeling like
you have to do that competition now to avenge me.
- Okay, good.
- But I know I can't stop you from doing it.
So all I can say is...
give 'em hell, son.
Give 'em hell.
God damnit!
Hey guys. Uh.
You guys know how to dance, right?
Of course we know how to dance.
Cool, because, there's this competition on Saturday,
and I have to find the very best dancers
in South Park to be on my crew.
My friends can't do it because they suck ass,
so, will you be in my dance troupe?
Dance troupe? Please.
We don't dance like those
Britney and Justin wannabes at school.
Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering.
Yeah The only cool way to dance
is to keep your hands at your sides
and your eyes looking at the ground.
Then every three seconds
you take a drag from your cigarette.
Okay, that'll work fine.
Listen...
there's a dance competition this Saturday
and I need good dancers so I don't get served.
No way.
Dancing is something you do alone
in your room at three in the morning.
Please, you guys,
our whole town's reputation is at stake!
- Will any of you do it?
- I'm not doin' it.
Being in a dance group is totally conformist.
Yeah. I'm not conforming
to some dance-off regulations.
I'm not doin' it either.
I'm the biggest nonconformist of all.
I'm such a nonconformist
that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you.
- Okay, I'll do it.
- Great!
Whoa.
I think we just got put in our place.
Yeah.
We just got Goth-served.
All right, we gotta find
three other kids that can dance.
We should go to the arcade.
The arcade?
Yeah. There's this Asian kid name Yao.
He's an expert at that
Dance Dance Revolution game.
Dude, he's incredible.
He should be.
He's here playing that game every single day after school.
I think he's spent about
six thousand dollars on it so far.
Hey kid, you're pretty good.
How would you like to join our dance troupe?
You mean, dancing without
a machine telling you what to do?
- Yeah.
- That's stupid.
- Dude, we need you.
- I can't dance without the machine.
It's all right.
My friend Chef is gonna coach us.
- Okay. I'll give it a shot.
- All right, that's three!
- Dude, we need a girl.
- Huh?
We can't be a dance troupe with just guys.
People will think we're fags.
Oh yeah.
Wait a minute. I know just where to go!
Hi guys, welcome to Raisins.
Three of you?
Ah actually we were just hoping
we could talk to you guys real quick.
You have to buy wings
if you wanna talk to the Raisins girls.
And so we're putting all the best dancers
in South Park together to beat Orange County.
Wow, that sounds great.
I always wanted to try my dancing somewhere else.
- So you'll do it?
- Why not?
All right, we just need one more person!
Hey, we should get that kid
that was state champion in tap dancing.
What? The state tap champion is from here?
Who?
I think his name was...
Leopold... Stotch or something?
Leopold Stotch...?
Wait a minute. You mean...
Loo loo loo, I've got some apples.
Loo loo loo, you've got some too.
- Loo loo loo, I've...
- Butters, you have some visitors.
Oh well hi there everybody.
Butters, listen. There's gonna be a competition
this Saturday, and we want you to join our troupe.
Wow, neato, a competiton?
- Why, I'd love to. What kind of competition is it?
- It's a dance-off.
We heard you were tap dancing state champion
two years ago.
... No
But, you were, weren't you?
Y-you went to the nationals in Nebraska.
No.
No no nono no no, no!
- No no nono no no, no!
- Butters ?
Butters ??
We just asked him to join our dance troupe.
We heard he was state tap champion.
Oh dear.
I'm sorry kids, it's just that...
Butters hasn't danced since the tragedy.
A tragedy?
I'm sorry, kids, you'll have to go.
Damnit, where are we gonna get our fifth member?
Hey I heard about this guy in Cuomo
who has a duck that can dance.
A duck? Dude, don't be stupid!
Those OC kids are professional dancers!
Now come on, there's gotta be
one other talneted person in South Park.
- All right, so you're sure he can dance?
- Oh yeah.
There he is. That's Jeffy.
That don't look like a dancing duck to me.
Well, that's 'cause it needs music.
Here y-here ya go, Jeffy.
" You'll do a line and I'll do a line,
honeeey. "
" You'll do a line and I'll do a line,
babe. "
You'll do a line and I'll do a line,
we'll fight an' screw 'til the mornin' time.
Honey, babe, be mine.
You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honey
Ih ih Is that the only song he'll dance to?
No no, he'll dance to anything. See?
You'll snort K and I'll snort K, honeeey.
You'll snort K and I'll snort K, babe.
My friends, I think we have ourselves a dance troupe.
Butters? Butters?
Come on, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
Come on, Butters.
You went through a lot of therapy for this.
That was almost two years ago, sweetie.
Two years ago.
Two years ago!
That was Beverly Long from Indianapolis, folks.
Let her hear it!
All right, and now, dancing to the song
"I've Got Something In My Front Pocket For You,"
here is Colorado state champion,
Leopold "Butters" Stotch!
I've got something in my front pocket for you
Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is
Then grab onto it, it's just for you
Give a little squeeze and say, "How do you do?"
There's something in my front pocket,
There's something in my front pocket,
There's something in my front pocket-
Paul. Paul!
No! Nooo!
Noooooooooooooooo!
All right, children,
let's get to rehearsin'!
We don't have much time,
and you've got to become the dance group you can be.
I think we should...
Whoa.
This... is the dance troupe?
Yeah, dude, the best dancers South Park has to offer.
Oh boy.
All right, well, why don't you show me what you got?
I wanna see what you kids can do!
Oh Lord have mercy.
Children, children!
No no, you've got it all wrong.
Don't you see, children?
You have the heart, but you don't have the soul.
Nono, wait.
You have the soul, but you don't have the heart.
Nono, scratch that.
You have the heart and the soul,
but you don't have the talent.
We're gonna get served on Saturday, aren't we?
What? I don't wanna get served.
Yeah, you didn't tell us that we might get served.
Well that was the whole point of the whole thing
the guys came back and they said
we were gonna get served and we were like...
All right all right, quiet, children!
Now, nobody's getting served if I can help it.
We just gotta buckle down, dig deep,
and pray that maybe the other team comes down with cancer.
What do you want?
I came to ask you one more time to join the crew.
Everyone is practicing really hard, but...
I don't think we have any kind of shot without you.
Sorry, Stan, I'm not a dancer anymore.
I gave that up.
Your mom says you were
one of the best dancers in the country.
Did she also tell you my dancing
got eight people killed?
Yeah. She said your shoe came off. It wasn't your fault
Yeah well, you tell that to their families.
Look, Butters, accidents happen.
We all have to live with that.
I let those people down!
Don't you get it man?!
Eight people died!
Well, it was nine, actually.
One of the women was pregnant.
Oh what?
And eleven if you count the two family members
that killed themselves afterward.
But that isn't the point, Butters!
The point is that this is now!
It's on!
And there are people who need you to step up!
Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge.
But competing against other people and getting in their
faces saying "Haha! I'm better than you!" is part of life.
And if you can't face that, then you might as well
sit here and play Leggos until you're an old man.
Get out of my room, Stan!
Fine.
But someday you're gonna have to stop running from
what happened and start dealing with it.
Otherwise, you might as well move
to France with all the other pussies.
Yeah, make some noise!
Ladies and Gentlemen,
man, you are all in for a treat!
Whichever crew wins tonight,
you wanna remember their faces,
'cause the next time you see them...
will be in Lil Kim's next video!
Give it up for Lil Kim!
What's up, niggaz?!
This is gonna be a rough battle, y'all.
So let's give it up for the OC Crew!
And the challengers, the South Park Diggitys!
Man, it is about to get crazy up in here.
Aww yeah.
Aight y'all. It's showtime!
Dancers to the floor!
Stan. Stan, we have a big problem.
- What?
- It's Jeffy. He sprained his ankle.
What happened??
He was practicing the say takedown
and slipped on the floor.
- Come on, fools! You dancin' or what?!
- Can he move it?
- Aw, what do we do, Chef??
- Rules are you have to have five dancers.
We have no choice, children.
We have to forfeit.
Looks like they ain't even gonna dance.
They're too scared!
Looks like they already got served!
Hey!
Can I still dance with you guys?
- Butters!
- All right!
All right come on, let's do this!
DJ! Give us a hot track!
Waaah!
No! Jesus, not again!
Kill him!
Folks, it looks like the OC crew is dead.
That means the winner is the South Park Diggitys!
- All right!
- All right! We did it!
- All right Butters!
- You dd it!
You did it, son! You did it!
All right, Butters!
Noho! Noho!
Noooooo!

South Park S08E03 The Passion of the Jew

Captain Cartman reporting
from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity.
Approaching planet Omega Nine.
Warp drive disengaged.
Landing sequence initiated.
What kind of atmosphere are you
reading on the planet surface, Jew?
I'm a Vulcan!
All right, what kind of atmosphere
are you reading, Vulcan Jew?
The atmosphere is oxygen-based,
should support our breathing.
All right, hang on. We're about to land.
Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny,
you come with me on the away team.
Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here.
- No! I'm on the away team too!
- It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle!
I don't care! You're not making
me wait in the van again!
Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there
on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible.
Set phasers on stun.
- Things seem pretty quiet.
- Yes. A little too quiet.
I am picking up carbon-based
life forms in Sector C.
I believe we will find a village of peaceful
aliens over that ridge.
Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!!
Look out!! It's a giant four-headed lava frog!!
Shoot it!!
Oh no, it got Kyle!!
No it doesn't.
Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off!!
Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for.
No I'm not! Goddamnit Cartman,
you're not gonna kill me off again!
Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews
along on the away team: they don't play along!
Shut up about Jews, fatass!
You don't know anything!
Oh God, here we go again.
Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and
Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil!
He does not!
How do you know?!
I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle!
You haven't seen it once!
There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus,
and you know what they do?
They let Barabbas, a serial killer,
go free instead and laugh about it.
- Naw uh!
- Go see the movie, Kyle!!
That does it! I'm sick of you guys
arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here.
I'm not arguing about The Passion!
He's being an asshole!
You know what it is? You're scared.
You're scared of the truth.
You don't want that movie to show
you just how bad the Jews are,
- and why everyone hates you.
- People don't hate the Jews!
Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle.
The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle.
Those numbers don't lie.
If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it.
Go see it and tell me I'm wrong.
Mel Gibson, Kyle.
Mel Gibson.
...You're a stupid asshole!
Sweeet, now I can just play with myself.
Get back in the shuttlecraft!
One please.
This is an R-rated movie.
Yeah, I know, but I have to-
But, because this is such an important film that
actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ,
I'll let you in to see it.
...Thanks.
How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus?
Pretty brutal, isn't it?
Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh?
"And now, back to Terrance and Phillip"
Hey Terrance, I think I have a-
Mom! Doorbell!
Mom! Answer the door!
Goddamnit, lazy-ass whore.
You were right... You were right all along...
I thought you were just an asshole
when you ripped on Jews, but...
I didn't know, I... I didn't know.
It's okay, Kyle. It's okay.
Just... say that first part again?
You were right?
Mmm, one more time, Kyle.
You were right.
I want to thank you for all
the blessings you have brought me.
You have shown me the way so many times in the past and...
now you are making all my dreams come true.
You give me strength when there is doubt,
and I praise you for all you have done.
Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom
and the courage to show the world the truth.
From this day forward I will dedicate my life
to making sure your film is seen by everyone.
I will organize the masses so that
we may do thy bidding.
Hail Mel Gibson. Amen.
Look at that, dude. The Passion has made
almost 400 milliion dollars at the box office now.
Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie.
I guess... we have to ge see it too.
Dude. That movie sucked.
How can they even call that a movie?
That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back.
Wow, I didn't realize how horrible
Christ's death was.
Me neither. Oh honey, let's be
good Christians from now on!
I think if more people saw The Passion
they'd have faith in Jesus.
Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing.
Hey, we want our money back.
Huh?
That movie sucked ass.
Give us back our eighteen dollars.
I can't refund your money.
You sat through the whole movie.
That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film!
You can't charge people to watch
a guy get tortured for two hours!
That guy happened to be Jesus,
and he went through all that to pay for YOUR SINS!
We go to church to learn that stuff!
We go to movies to be entertained!
We weren't entertained,
and we want our money back!
I'm now allowed to give you your money back
after you sat through the whole movie!
You'd have to take your complaint up
with the film's producers.
W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have
to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
Yeah. I'd like to see you try.
Oh, we will! This is America!
And in America, if something sucks,
you're supposed to be able to get your money back!
Come on, Kenny!
- Kill him! Guilty! Kill him!
- Kill him!
Kill him! Die!
Kill Jesus! Yesss!
Okay, search for Mel Gibson.
Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news,
Mel Gibson... home page. Here we go.
Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.com,
your source for everything Mel. Pictures,
philosophy, upcoming projects.
Damnit, no phone number!
Oh wait! "For more information on Mel Gibson,
call the Webmaster at 1-800-43.."
Okay, okay, wait, here we go.
Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.
Hi, uh, my friend
and I just went to see The Passion.
Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now.
Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.m.
Nonono, no, we want our money back
What?
We think the movie sucked and we want
Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars.
Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently,
you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do!
He was trying to express, through cinema,
the horror and filthiness of the common Jew.
It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie,
so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back!
If I knew where Mel Gibson was,
I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir.
All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu.
Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
Hey, don't take that tone with me,
kid! I'll kick your ass!
Ohoh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, asshole!
I'm like six feet tall!
I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me!
Bitch?! Don't call me bitch!
I'll pop your fuckin' head open!
Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little pussy?!
I already brought it, bitch! I brought it,
set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!
Wait a minute. Cartman?!
Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu!
We'll take the bus! Look,
this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore.
This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible!
This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!
Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard
saying something about a meeting?
Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all
the people who loved The Passion as much as I did.
- Oh, that's great, sweetie.
- Tell them I'll be down shortly
Okay, hon.
Töten sie die Juden!
Wir können nicht stillstehen
bis sie alle tot sind!
Okay, I'm ready.
I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson.
Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting?
No. Actually, we're guests as well. I'm Jack Garrett
and this is my wife Elise.
Hello.
I think it's so great that someone took
the initiative to have a meeting like this.
Oh I agree. There are so many of us
who are moved by The Passion.
It's a perfect idea to have us organize
so we can strengthen the Christian community.
And apparently the organizer is just an
eight year old boy who was touched by the film.
Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh?
Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love
The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am!
It's great that everyone came here to figure out how
to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives.
Ah hello everyone. Achtung.
My name is Eric Cartman
and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club.
Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that
all of you.were affected by The Passion like I was.
Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe
we all what needs to be done.
We sure do.
But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about
it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps.
- Wha, what does that mean, sweetie?
- I'm not sure, but-uh.
Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second
and say how remarkable it is that this little boy
brought us all together.
The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality,
and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Now, in order to do what we all know needs
to be done, we are first going to need more support.
I think we should all go out and take at least
one other person to see The Passion.
Oh, what a great idea! We each make it
our responsibility to convert one more person!
Heheh great! Yeah! Great idea.
Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing,
if you know what I mean.
- We sure do!
- Yeah. All right. Woohoo!
Thank you.
This must be the place.
Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded.
Yes?
Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny
Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't
like it, so, can we have our money back, please?
You can't not like The Passion!
I just followed the Bible!
Christ died for you. Go home.
Look, dude, we came a long way.
We're not leaving until you give us our money.
Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first.
But I won't tell you where I keep my money.
You can torture me all you want,
I still won't tell you!
Tor-torture you?
Ha! So you DO intend to torture me, huh?!
Well go ahead!
Do your worst!
You STILL won't get your ticket money back!
I can take whatever you can dish out!
We don't want to torture you.
I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?!
Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't
use those whips over there on the wall!
Dude, can we please just have
the eighteen dollars back from you?
I have to use that money to build my church!
I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with
The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church!
And do you know why?!
So I can play banjo!
Jesus, oh how I love ya,
how I love ya Jesus!
Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!
How dare you call me crazy!
This means war!
And so it was that God sent his only
son down from heaven, to die for our sins.
Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die,
or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over.
...What is troubling you, my child?
Well, I have this friend, see?
And this friend belongs to a certain,
Chosen People of Israel.
And it ...so happens that these chosen
people killed your Lord.
Ah! You mean he's a Jew!
Right. But he can't live with the guilt anymore.
Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God,
he was still a nice guy.
And he didn't deserve what happened
to him in Mel Gibson's movie.
I I can't sleep at night. I mean,
my... friend can't sleep at night.
Yes, The Passion is very powerful.
The truth is, there's not a whole lot
in the Bible about the Crucifixion.
The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in
the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews.
But how can the Jews make it better??
Well, if you really care about your friend's soul,
then perhaps show him the way of Jesus.
Remember: Christianity is about... atonement.
Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course.
I know what I have to do now. Thank you, Father.
Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that
would haul that tanker
You wanna get outta here? Talk to me.
Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude!
Wait! There's his wallet!
Freedom!!!
Awww crap, he's only got twenties!
You got two dollars, Kenny??
Jesus is Lord!!!
All right, let's get the hell out of here!
When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously!
Run, dude, run!
And good evening, friends!
One month ago today, this amazing
film opened in theaters.
And now, we proud few gathere here as a people
brought together by its message!
Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now,
together, we have the power to change the world!
Now I believe we should take to the streets
and march in unwavering support of this important movie!
- What a great idea!
- It'll be like a parade!
Good idea!
And as we march for The Pasion
we should also voice our support!
So, when I say
"Es ist Zeit für Säuberung,"
you all chant back
"Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten."
Well, what does that mean, dear?
Oh, I think it's Aramaic.
You know, like in the movie.
Ooo, Aramaic. Cool.
What was our Aramaic line again?
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!!
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Oh huh, this is fun!
All right, everyone!
Forward, march!
Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
- Es ist Zeit für Rache!
- Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Nice.
Shalom hak nak shalom.
And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski,
has asked if he could speak to the congragation.
Thank you, rabbi.
In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology
to the African American community for slavery.
In 1956, Germany officially apologized
for World War II AND the Holocaust.
And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community
needs to apologize for the death of Jesus.
What?
Whatwhatwhaaat?!
If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus
is the Son of God, then we can still apologize
for the brutal way in which he was killed,
and take our share of the responsibility for it.
Oh my God!
Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?!
- I saw The Passion.
- Oh no! The Passion?!
This proves the anti-Semitic effect
that movie is having!
- Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes.
- Stereotyping Jews is terrible.
Something must be done to stop that movie!
Now, now, everyone calm down.
We live in a rational community,
and everyone knows this is just a movie.
There's no cause for alarm.
- Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
- Es ist Zeit für Rache!
- Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
- Es ist Zeit für Rache!
- Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
- Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty...
seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson.
But I think it's the principle
of the thing that matters.
Oh, you've got to be shittin' me.
Give me back my money!
Goddamn, that guy's crazy.
Hey dude, you've gotta speed up.
Huh?
Mel Gibson is chasing after us.
You've gotta go faster.
Haha, very funny, kid.
Sit down and stop playing games.
I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right
behind you and he's gonna-
What the hell?
- Hey! That's Mel Gibson!
- Yeah. I told you that!
Well, what the hell does he want?!
He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion,
so we kinda took it.
You didn't like The Passion?
But it shows how Christ suffered for you.
Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man.
You guys, stop! Please.
You're gonna make people hate us more.
Can I help you?
This movie is causing anti-Semitism!
You must remove it from your theater!
That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie!
Remove it from the theater?
Fat chance!
- We demand you stop showing it!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Nonono! Don't become an angry mob!
The last time we did that we killed Jesus!
Juden!
- What's going on here?
- They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater.
This film is anti-Semitic
and it must be stopped!
Nonsense!
Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man!
There's nothing anti-Semitic about it!
It has reaffirmed all
of our faith in Christ.
It's made one of our little Jewish boys want
to apologize for the death of Jesus!
Well, maybe you should apologize.
- That's right! What he said.
- How dare you?!
Look out!!
Give me my eighteen dollars!
Mel! Gibson!
Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer!
You're actually here!
Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses!
We are ready to do thy bidding!
Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?!
So! You boys have led me here
to your secret base, huh?
I guess now you're gonna
start torturing me! Well!
Oh, my nipples are so tender!
Ddon't squeeze them anymore!
That's... Mel Gibson?
H-he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured.
Well. I guess you wanna
torture me now, don't you?!
Dude, what's wrong with him?
He's kookoo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind.
You! You would all love
to torture me, wouldn't you?
Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there,
I can take it!
Dude! I've been freaked out this whole
time because of THAT guy's movie?
Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me,
then just give me my eighteen dollars!
It's our eighteen dollars!
Your movie sucked!
You can't say my movie sucked,
or else you're saying Christianity sucked!
No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool,
but, you should follow what Jesus taught
instead of how he got killed.
Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in
the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results.
You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus
our faith on the torture and execution of Christ.
Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times.
We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith.
Aw, aw, no, come on, people,
we're so close to completing my final solution!
Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now
that I see that Mel Gibson
is just a big wacko douche.

South Park S08E02 Up the Down Steroid

Hey fellas.
Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
Timmy!!!
Say fellas, JImmy and I were wondering if maybe
you would come and cheer for us next Sssaturday.
We're both competing in
the Special Olympics down in Denver.
The Special Olympics? What's so special about them?
They're Olympic games for handicapped people.
Dude, what?
Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events.
Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on.
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to
the training center and start working out.
Word is we have a lot of
ssstiff competition this year.
Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys.
Timmy!!!
Dude. I can't believe they exploit
handicapped people like this.
I mean making them compete against
each other just for our amusement.
...You're an asshole, Cartman.
What? What did I do?
...six!...
Timmih.
Usss-usss-seven!
Timmih. Timmih!
Usss-usss-seven!
Timmih! Timmiiih!
Ni-I can'-I can't!
Huff. Oh man.
Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some
ppppretty stiff competition this year.
All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition,
and I can't even get past seven ru-reps
Huhh oh well, that's it for me, Timmy.
I'm p-p--p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room.
Otimmih.
Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.
You too, Francis.
Hey Jimmy.
Oh hey hey, n-Nathan.
So uh, I see you train pretty hard.
Yeah, it sure is tough.
I'm training really hard, but I'm not improvingfast enough,
and the Special Olympics are a... week away.
Wellll, maybe I can- help you out
You know, there are shortcuts.
What kind of shortcuts?
You know. Steroids.
S-s--ss-s-s-steroids?
...But aren't those illegal?
Yeah, sure, but these are new. They
don't show up in our urine tests.
So uh, ha-how do they... w-wwork?
You just take one of these little blue babies
three times a day
and inject this directly into your bloodstream
twice a day before meals.
How much would this cost me?
Ahhh it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off
my back and secure shipments from overseas.
Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little
bit. You know, as a per-formance en...hancer.
Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend.
Whatever you say.
YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I have the best
idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
What?
Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure,
and check this shit out:
"At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete
is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000"
So?
So?? So dude, think about it.
If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped
they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks!
Oh no. Cartman, no!
It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time
come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicappeds!
That's really, really terrible, dude.
Terrible?? Whatever! You guys's brains just can't compute
complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see.
Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat
your way to winning the Special Olympics!
Why?
Because.
What are you gonna do, Kyle? Tell on me?
Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced
poopy-pants tattle-tale!
Is that really how you deal with
your problems?! Grow up, Kyle!
All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped,
and I get a thousand dollars.
It won't be easy,
but nothing worth having ever is.
Darrrr. Durrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics.
Bull's eye!
Oh! Agh! Just, just a second!
Hang on, I'm I'm, coming.
Jim, it's your father!
I said I'm coming!
Give me a Goddamned s-second!
Jimmy, were you masturbating?
Nn-no, Dad.
Okay. Well, you have a visitor.
Hi Jimmy.
Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.
I was hoping we would study for
the spelling test tomorrow.
Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.
I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim.
Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since
we met in Free Period last week.
I'll leave you two alone.
Y-you sure you weren't masturbating
Jim? It's okay if you were.
Dad, Jesus C-Christ!
Okay then.
Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey.
Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrrt.
God damn you!
You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship
and my one thousand dollars is just four days away.
I'm going to go sign up now.
No you're not!
I read the brochure, Cartman!
If you're under eighteen,
you have to have a parent with
you to sign up for the Special Olympics.
What??
It says right there
"a parent has to be with you to sign up,"
and you'll never get your mom to agree
to something so horrible, so HA!
Moooommmmm?
Yes, hon?
Um, could I get you to do something for me?
What's that, hon?
Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange.
Um, but, stick with me. Um, moommm?
Would you mind coming with me
to sign up for the Special Olympics
so I can beat all the handicapped kids
and win a thousand dollars?
Oh... Nno, sweetie. I believe those Olympics
are just for ..."special" children.
I'm not special? I thoght you always said I was special.
You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea.
...I'll split the money with you.
...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No.
All right, Mom, look. Here's ...the truth.
God, this is gonna be hard to say.
I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of
the handicapped kids at school in the past.
I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people
God put here on earth for my amusement, but...
now I'm starting to think...
that if I could just spend one day in their shoes,
...if I could just see the challenges they face every day,
...mauye I wouldn't be so cold.
I just want a chance to change.
Help me change?
Oh, a-a-all right, sweetie,
I, I'll take you tomorrow.
Awesome.
You did a great job in the 500, Timmy
You really im-...p-p-proved.
Timmih!!!
I think I really got a shot at the gold in the swimming competition.
Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen.
Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice,
Tim-tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag?
Timmih!
Tim-Tim?
Oh, uh, so... hey Timmy... uh hu-how about
we go out for a d-d-ddoughnut later?
I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim.
Timmih...
Look it's really none of your b...b-b...beeswax, Timmy!
Timmih. Timmih!
Because I, maybe I don't have what it
takes to win with uhwithout them!
Timmih.
T... T-Timmih.
You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you?
Huh! Timmih! T-Timmih!
Look, it's my body
and it's my choice what I put in it!
Timmih! Timmih, Jimmih.
Arrrh Timmih!
Jimmih!
Don't lecture me on
the complexities of sportsmanship.
You know as well as I do most of the kids
in Special Olympics aren't shooting up to compete.
I'm just trying to k-keep up.
Huh... Timmih...
Timmih.
Sssso what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a fuckin'
narc and show that bbottle to the ...coaches?!
Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy
I'm just living in the real world!
Timmih!
Aaagyaaaaah Timmih!
All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up!
Oowrrr! Timmih! Livilaye!
Yyyeess!
Grrrr!
Wohuhow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved
You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you!
Yeah, I've been working out... r-r-really hard.
You keep going like this and you'll break
Special Olympics records on Saturday!
Okay, so this is all the stuff
we need to sign Michael in?
Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the
next table and we'll get it all finalized.
Thank you very much.
Thank you! Good luck, Michael.
Thanks.
Okay, next in line please?
Naaaa! Daaaaa!
Hello there.
Hello. Um, I would like to...
sign my son up, please.
Naaaa!
Oh, great! What's his name?
Eric Cartman.
Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!
Okay. Age?
He's nine.
O-kay, and what's his disability?
...Um, he's retarded.
...Nno, I'm asking what his specific condition
is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy?
Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure.
Sweetie, what is yoru condition?
...How should I know?
I'm retarded. Daaaaa!
I'll just leave that blank for now.
Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in.
I understand you have somethin' important
you wanna talk to me about, m'kay?
Timmy.
Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to
know that you can tell me anything hm'kay?
And whatever's troublin' you,
I wanna try and, and help you with it.
N, Timmy.
Mhm'kay, right, you're Timmy.
...You, you have a problem?
No Timmy, Jimmy.
Ji-Jimmy?
Haaa!
Oh, oh!
Jimmy.
Oh, Jimmy Valmer!
Oh, okay, what about him?
Timmih! Timmih, uh, Jimmih.
In Timmy, Timmih Tim-oh! Tim-Timmih!
Timmmih? Jimmih! Jimmih.
Jimmih Timmih Timmih? Timmih, Timmih
Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmih!
Timmih!
Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy.
Argh. Jimmy...
Right, Jimmy Valmer.
Uh.
, Timmih Jimmih Jimmih Jim-
Jimmh Timmih Timmih Jimmih!
Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.
HAAAAAAAH!
How I Will Spend My
One Thousand Dollars
By Eric Cartman
Enter!
Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing
I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive.
Go on, Kyle.
I know that I often have serious moral
objections to the things that you do, but...
this time I think you really need to reconsider,
because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell.
So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend,
to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it!
Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from,
and I appreciate you being so direct.
Um, the thing is, you really have kind
a warped view on morality because you're Jewish.
Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see
Mel Gibson's film, The Passion but-
I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman!
Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you
would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews,
and all those who don't accept Christ.
That being the case, it is actually me who is
worried about your soul.
I came here to talk about you!
Yes.
And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really
the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle.
Good luck.
Come on, push it! Push it!
Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps.
Jimmy, I thought we were meeting
at the doughnut shop.
The Games are in two days, Nancy
I can't be w-wasting my time.
I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.
Oh Jeez!
Are you gonna start running
your mouth off again?
P-push it! Push it!!
Jimmy, everyone's worried about you.
You seem... different.
Theh-they're all just ..jealous.
You're not the boy I fell in love with last
week during Free Period. I'm leaving you.
You're not leaving me! You try to leave
me and I'll kill you, bitch!
You can't treat people like this!
I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why
did you make me do it, huh?!
You're not leavin' anybody!!
You just keep your G-Goddamned
mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told!
What the?
Jimmy, oh my God!
Stay away from me, you stupid bbbbitches!
No! God!
Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics!
We will be holding various throughout the day,
and at the end of it all we will have some
very special celebrity athletes here to present
the trophy for top athlete,
along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars.
Top athlete, yeah!
One thousand dollars, yeah!
So let's have all our athletes report to their first
assigned events and... Let the Games begin!
Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter
dash please report to Track Aread B.
Okay, racers, are we ready?
Take your marks.
Daaaa! Daaaa!
On your marks! Get set! Go!
Whoa. What the hell??
Great job, everyone.
You three advance to the next heat.
All right!
Good Job.
We did it!
Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have
to kick ass in the other events.
Y eeessss!
Yes! Yes!
He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks!
God-damnit!!
Winner, Jimmy Valmer!
All right, this one I can win!
Here, hold this!
I'll show you Goddamned retards!
God-damnit!!
That's another Special Olympics record!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah, I did it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Ladies and Gentlemen,
our day of competition has come to an end,
and we have an ultimate grand special
champion for 2004!
Here to present the award are baseball legends
Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds.
The two thousand and four special
athlete is... Jimmy Valmer.
Yeah! Fuck yeah!
Yeah, I did it! I'm the bbub-best!
Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that
the Special Olympics isn't just about winning.
And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to
the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
Ah, screw you hippie!
For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate
to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
...I could pile at Shakey's, heck.
Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
Hey! Just what the hell do you
think you're doing, Eric?!
Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
You ffffaked being handicapped to win?!
I should k-kick your ass right here, you
lousy no-good ch-ch-ch...cheater!
Timmih!
What?
Oh my God. You, you're right, Timmy.
You're totally right.
Everyone, can I have your attention, please?
I'm afraid I have to give back my medal.
The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either.
I've been using st-steroids
I was willing to do anything to be the best,
and the steroids made me blind to
the people I was hurting.
A good friend even tried to talk me out
of it, and I wouldn't listen to him.
Taking steroids is just like pretending to
be handicapped at the Special Olympics.
Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game.
But I know now that even if you do win on steroids,
you're really not a winner.
You're just a p-pussy. You're just a
big fat p-p...p...pussy, and if you take steroids, the
only decent thing to do is come forward and say,
"Remove me from the record books, because
I am a big, stinky p-pussy-"
"-steroid-taking jackass."
That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline
this medal and my place in the history books.
And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year.
To compete with honor.
Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along.
I dressed up like a handicapped person
and lost the Special Olympics on purpose,
so that Jimmy could learn his
lesson about steroids.
Eh, oh yeah?!
Well, well you guys are assholes!
Grow up!
WilLoW :--) 2005 Jan. 23rd

South Park S08E01 Good Times With Weapons

South Park 801 512x384 Xvid 141MB
Good Times With Weapons
- Stop it, Cartman!
- Pfaha, so funny.
Goddamnit Cartman, stope throwin'
those stupid popping things at me!
Come on and take a look, folks.
We've got a lot of knives for sale here.
Oh my God, look!
Martial arts weapons from the Far East.
Wow, cool.
Dude! We should each buy a weapon,
and then we'll be like ninjas.
Yeah. We won't have
to take crap from anybody.
Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude.
Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!
Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid
fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought.
I'll get the tonfas. Those are so sweet.
I'm gonna get those killer sai.
Look Kenny!
There's something even you can afford!
A ninja shuriken for a dollar ninety nine.
Can I help you boys?
Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons.
Okay, uh, you need to have your parents
here when you buy them, though.
I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen
without parents' permission.
Parents? Parents?? Oh God!
Uh wha, what's the matter?
We, we're brothers, see, and our parents...
died in a car accident last year.
Why?! Why?! Why did you have
to take them both?! Why!
Why do people have to keep reminding
us of what we don't have??
It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry,
I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay?
Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked.
Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you!
With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great
and powerful ninja Sharohachi,
born to fight evil and people I don't like.
Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus
make me into Bounaku,
a deadly but compassionate ninja
who protects those in trouble.
What's your ninja name, Kenny?
Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who
has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies
- All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world!
- Kick ass!
Hey you guys, you know what we should do?
We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys.
They'll be so jealous.
No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people.
Our parents'll find out we have them.
Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews
can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!
You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!
Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see
Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion,
and Mel Gibson says you are
a sloth and you are a liar.
And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true.
Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us.
Come, ninjas, let's go.
All right, this is it.
Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig.
I still say this is a bad idea.
Ninja positions!
- Hello, Craig!
- Look what we got.
Where'd you get those?
We can't tell you where we got 'em!
It's secret ninja stuff.
Oooh, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig?
Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy.
Uh, uh, they're not that cool.
Hyeah, "they're not that cool.
" These are real authentic weapons from the Far East.
But don't tell anybody we have them.
- Whoa! Where'd you get those??
- Let me see.
Uh, we'd love to hang out guys,
but we have important secret work to do.
Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril.
Come on, ninjas!
Ho man, did you see the look on Craig's face?!
That was awesome!
Dude, we're like the coolest
kids in the whole state!
Huhey fellas. What's happenin'?
We're playing Ninjas, Butters.
Wowee! Hey, can I play, uhninjas with you?
No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting
team sent to protect the world from evil,
and you can't play with us.
Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make
a very good ninja. Come on, guys.
- We have a lot of work to do.
- Yes, and no time to do it. No time...
I think I'd make a really good ninja.
Jeez, those guys never let me play with them.
Uh they just shun me all the time.
I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person-
- Hi Butters.
- Hi Mom.
-a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude.
And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil.
Society cast me out, and so I vowed
to make them all pay! And pay they did!
Nobody knows that beneath this
sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil,
the most destructive supervillain of all time!
Professor Chaos!
Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas!
- Oooh, Butters, are you going out to play again?
- Yeah Mom, I'm jus' goin' outside for a little while.
Well, could you be a sweetie and take
that pie over there to the Thomsons.
I made it to thank them
for babysitting you last week.
Well, okay-okay Mom.
Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way.
My ninja sense is telling me we might
be heading in the wrong direction.
Okay, hang on guys.
I'll use my special power to see into the future
and find out where we should head next.
Hold on you guys.
I actually have another power.
I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle.
Let me try it.
- Goddamnit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers!
- Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!
I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers.
No asshole! From now on you only
get to have ONE power! So what is it?!
I have the power to have all the powers I want.
That doesn't count, fatass!
Yeah, that it, Cartman!
You don't get to have any powers!
C'mon!
Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas!
- Who the hell is that??
- I dunno. Craig, is that you?
Fools! I am Professor Chaos!
Bringer of Destruction and Doom!
Your feeble ninja powers
are no match for me!
Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys.
Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along.
Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa Takanawa!
- Hey kid, that knocks you down.
- Nuh uh!
- Yeah huh, I got you!
- Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a
...titanium alloy that shields me from heat!
That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
Well, let's see how he likes
the icy blasts from my nunchakus Sokuromoto!
Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you
shall feel the power of my Web of Holding!
You are both trapped in spiderwebs!
All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay!
Oh no! I have no powers!
Kyle took them away from me!
Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers
so I can fight this evil villain!
Okay, okay, you can have your powers back.
All right! And now I will use my power to...
turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh!
Goddamnit Cartman!
Now you are a chicken!
Enough! Uh I grow weary of your foolishness.
Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
- Oh, fuck dude!
- It's Butters. Oh my God!
- Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye!
- What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
It hurts! It hurts!
Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
Ssh sshhhh. It's okay, Butters.
Calm down. It's not that bad, really.
But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'.
I gotta go to the hospitalll!!
Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay!
Guys, meeting over here for a second?
All right you guys, we need to stay
calm and just do the right thing.
We have to kill Butters
and bury him in Kyle's backyard.
- Dude, shut up!
- I agree with Cartman!
- What?? - You don't understand what my mom will do
to me if she finds out  I was playing with weapons!
Just stay still, Butters.
Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Go ahead and scramble it,
then he won't remember it was us.
You guys can't fix my eyeball!
You have to take me to the hospital!
If we take him to the hospital,
they're gonna find out what happened.
God-damnit!
God? Please, if you get me out of this,
I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again.
Don't be so quick to throw off
your ninja responsibility, Kyle.
Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be
a ninja when everything's going your way,
but it's times like these, when the chips are down,
that a ninja shows his true character.
Whoa, I'm getting woozy.
Shut up, Butters. Now, there's a way out of this.
We just have to use our... ninja reasoning.
We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait what
about the veterinarian?
Dr. Shafley?
He's really old and and goin blind.
- So if we make Butters up to look like a dog,...
- Ohh no. - We might pass him off as our pet.
Ohoo but, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog
with a star in my eye, I I'm gonna get grounded.
Shut up, Butters!
That is the dumbest idea you
guys have ever come up with!
I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman,
but you, Stan??
Butters needs medical attention right now!!
All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle.
You take him to the hospital
and let your mom find out what happened.
I need the modeling glue.
We need more fur over here.
Uh that modeling glue is making me dizzy.
Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit!
Now, stop being such an asshole!
We need some more fur.
I think that's good.
Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.
Wuff...wu-wuff.
All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town.
Okay, it's clear.
Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's
office you need to stay down on all fours and-
Butters, listen!! At the vet's office,
you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot.
Wuhuff, woof, woof.
We've gotta hurry, it's getting late!
- Oh shit, somebody's coming!
- Quick, hide Butters!
In here!
Uh buh, but fellas, I gotta-
There you are!
You guys thought you were sooo cool, didn't you?!
Well look at what we got!
- No way, you got weapons too??
- Where'd you get those?
From the n-n-, from the nn-, from the nn-
From the nice guy at the county fair.
At first we needed our parents' permission,
but then we told him our parents were dead.
Aw man, now every
in town has a weapon! Lame!
So, how would you ninjas like to do battle?
Uh not now, Craig, we we have to be going.
You can't pass through this
area until you defend your honor!
He said, not now, Craig!
I am not Craig, I am Ginza,
with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!
And I am Black Taku,
with the power of perfect spelling!
Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay?
Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas?
Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?
We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
- Then fight us!
- Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!!!
I swore to never fight again.
We don't have a choice, Kyle.
Just humor them.
Hey wait wait WAIT wait!
Hold on a second. Where's Butters?
Oh no. Butters!
Butters!
Oh, nice going, you assholes!
You made us lose him!
Lose who?
Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye,
and we were taking him to the vet
when you fucked it all up! Butters!
- Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
- Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now!
- Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here!
- No dude, you gotta help us find him!
- The hell with that!
- We're in this together, Craig!
If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you,
and that's the ninja code!
Hello? Anybody-eh.
Woof. Woof. Woofwoof.
- Butters! - Butters! - Here, Butters!
Dude, look!
- Hello there, children!
- Hey, Chef.
- How's it goin'?
- Bad.
Why bad?
Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you?
No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you
children doin' with those weapons?
Nnothing, just, playing.
Well, you children should be careful with those.
You could put somebody's eye out.
- Yeah, we know.
- Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds.
They're about to start the big auction.
So long, children!
Oh my God! What the-? Doctor? Doctor??
Jesus Christ.
What kind of sick bastard would
do this to a dog? Poor little pup.
Woofwoof.
Can you help him, Doctor?
I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor.
- Best we call the animal shelter.
- Right away.
In our last episode the four ninjas did battle
with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom.
It was during that great battle that ninja master
Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye.
Now the ninjas were in serious trouble,
because their parents might find out they
had weapons if Professor Chaos told on them.
While trying to get Professor Chaos some
aid at the veterinarian's office,
the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends.
They challenged the four ninjas to fight,
and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began.
It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped,
and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces
with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos,
or else they would all be grounded.
- Butters!
- Butters!
Butters! Where the hell are you?!
It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made
it to the hospital.
By now our parents probably know we
were playing with weapons!
- We have to get rid of the evidence!
- What?
Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at
least we can try to deny everything.
Screw that, dude, I paid 20 bucks for these things!
Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back.
We don't have time for that, dude!
We just have to ditch them! Now!
Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw
your nunchakus away. If you can.
But you know well that your
Jewish blood won't let you.
You can't throw away something you
paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.
Screw you, fatass!
Mel Gibson was right, Kyle.
Right now the Jew in you is screamig
"NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!"
You know this to be true.
Go ahead.
Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle.
I, I can't do it. ... I can't do it. I...
It's all right, Kyle.
We'll go back to the fair and return them.
Come on. Come on, little fella. Atta boy.
Right over here. Good dog. Come on.
There you go, right in there.
Somebody threw a ninja star
in that poor puppy's eye?
It just makes me sick how some
people can treat animals.
Well, nothing we can do for it;
let's put it to sleep, shall we?
Here you go, pup. I've got
a sweet dose of murder for you.
What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ..
Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.
All right, the county fair's still open!
Can I help you boys?
We have come to return the weapons we purchased.
Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.
Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna kill us,
and you, if they found out that we bought these!
I thought you told me your parents were dead.
- You guys! You guys!
- What is it, Craig?
- It's Butters! We saw 'im!
- Where?!
Right on the other side of the fairgrounds.
He's just wandering around aimlessly.
- Then it's NOT too late!
- Come on, Ninjas!
All right, folks, our next item up
for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp.
Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.
- Butters is right on the other side.
- We have to get past them!
All right. Looks like I have to use
my power of invisibility to get by.
You have that power too?
I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold.
This way, I can move about
the crowd of people undetected.
- Here, hold this stuff for me.
- Good luck, Bulrog.
Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna
and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming.
It has a bronze finish and actual
gold leaf along the base.
Uh this is a rare opportunity
to own a classic antique.
The lamp has been appraised by our
auction staff at well over 2000 dollars.
So we're gonna start the bidding at 375.
Do I, do I hear 375?
Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'?
Butters!
What happened to him?
Oh my God!
- Ohhh Jesus.
- Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.
All right, people, we are all extremely
upset over what's happened.
But let's try to speak one at a time.
Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked
and appalled at what happened!
I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's
the times we're living in, but something has to change!
This is the worst thing that's happened in this town!
The worst thing!
Yeah! I mean, there were children
watching that auction!
And when that little eight-year-old boy walked
up and flashed his... penis...
it was an outrage!
What?
What?
Not only that, the auction
was televised on public access,
so my little daughter watchin'
at home saw the -penis!
How am I suppsoed to explain that to her?!
This is what happens when the moral
fabric of society breaks down!
You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
Dude, they don't care we knocked
Butters' eye out with weapons?
Just run with it, dude.
Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh my fragile little eight-year-old
mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing.
- C-Cartman should be punished!
- Yeah!
Hey, fuck you, Kyle!
Heck, I c- I can't believe it.
Hyeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about
violence if there's sex things to worry about.
So I guess this means we
get to keep our weapons.
Yeah. Come on, ninjas.
We've got some more work to do.