All right, mom,
I'm all done wrapping dad's
anniversary present for you.
Oh, is it someone's
anniversary soon?
Oh, you.
Just kidding.
Ooh, i wonder
what it is.
It's a-
Oh, shucks,
i can't tell you.
But it's really nifty.
Well, it looks like we're
gonna have to do something
Extra special for mommy and
daddy's anniversary this year.
How about on saturday
We all go have dinner
atbennigan's?!
Bennigan's?
Oh boy, you mean it?
Whoopee!
At bennigan's i'm gonna get
the ranch hand baby back ribs.
Calm down there,
cowboy,
You've still got
four days.
Four days?
Oh, i don't know how
i'm gonna wait that long!
? Who's the boy that can
laugh at a storm cloud?
? Turn a frown into
a smile for free?
? Who's the kid with
the heart full of magic?
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
? Who's the boy with
eyes full of wonder?
? Thinks being yourself
is the best thing to be?
? Who's that rascal with the
tweezers in his pocket?
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
? Jumping in puddles
skipping down the hallway?
? And goes to the petting zoo
he loves john elway?
? Who's that tyke with the
cutest little dimples?
? Batting his eyes
at every puppy he sees?
? If you look inside yourself
you might be surprised?
? When you find
a little boy named?
? Butters?
That's,
that's me, yeah.
Three more days 'til
we eat atbennigan's.
That's 72 hours.
Oh, gee whiz!
Well, if you two
will excuse me
I need to go out and buy
a certain special lady
Her anniversary present.
I hope he means me.
Don't be silly, mom,
Of course he
means you.
I'll be back in
a little bit.
Butters, you're in
charge of the house.
Yes, sir!
Oh, i wonder what he's
gonna get me this year.
We won't know 'til
we're at bennigan's.
Every year
it's the same.
Your father gets me
some great gift
And my gift to him
falls short.
I've just got to
outdo him this year,
I've just got to!
Dad's a good
shopper all right.
Butters, maybe you could
secretly follow your dad
And see what
he's getting me.
You mean spy on him?
But ain't that kind of
like fibbin'?
No, it's a little
different.
You remember when the nice
policeman gave you a badge
And made you an
honorary inspector?
Sure, i do!
Why, i think inspector
butters could find out
What daddy's getting mommy
without him ever knowing.
What do you say?
Inspector butters is
on the case, ma'am.
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
Hmm, dad's going
to see a movie.
How nice.
"White swallow
bath house."
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
I'm back, ma.
Oh, hi, sweetie.
Did you get to follow
your dad around?
I sure did.
Dad sure had
a nice night out.
Well, did you see what he
got me for our anniversary?
Well, first he went to
see a movie.
A movie, huh?
I wonder why he'd wanna
see a movie by himself.
I don't know, but it wasn't the
movie theater at the mall.
It was that really
old theater downtown.
Thestudcat.
I didn't even know
it was open.
Wait a minute, what was
the movie called?
"Fisting firemen 9."
I've never seen
one through eight.
Oh my god.
It must've been a real
short movie though,
Because dad came out
like 10 minutes later.
It must've been
a sad film too
Because he had a bunch of
tissue paper with him
When he came out.
Poor ol' dad, movie
really got to him.
Butters, where did daddy
go after the movie?
To the gym.
To the gym?
Yeah, thewhite
swallow spa.
Aah!
Yup, he went there
and he wrestled
With all kind of guys.
He wasn't too good though.
This one black guy
had him pinned down
For 15 minutes straight.
Butters, are you
sure about this?
You have to be
absolutely sure.
Inspector butters
gets all the facts.
I even got some
neato pictures.
The only thing
i can't figure out
Is why dad told you he was going
shopping for your present
When he was going out seeing
movies and wrestling?
Oh, did you have
a nice trip, ma?
See you next fall.
Mom?
? Butters?
That's me!
Paint, must paint...
Everything clean...
Paint...
Well, honey, you've painted
the entire house.
Three times.
Must paint.
Everything clean,
everything new.
Say, butters,
i'm having real trouble
Finding an anniversary
present for mom.
Any ideas?
Hmm, i can't
think of one.
Well then, it looks like
i'm gonna have to
Go out shopping again.
Aah! Paint.
Everything clean,
everything new.
Paint.
I'll be back
in a little while.
Should i go try and see what
he gets you again, mom?
I don't think
daddy's shopping.
I think daddy's going out
wrestling again.
Paint.
Must be made clean.
New.
Hey, a new paint brush.
That's what dad could get
mom for their anniversary.
I gotta go tell him.
Must clean butters.
Clean.
Never be clean.
Must kill?
The only way...
must kill butters.
Paint.
? Butters?
That's me!
One, please.
Locker 213.
Thanks.
? That's what takes me high?
Dad?
Dad, you in here?
? Your love
keeps me alive?
Hello, anybody in here?
There, do you
think that works?
Well, that's four
fingers, try five.
Mr. Garrison?
Who is that?!
Dad?
Dad!
You wrestling in here?
Dad?
This room's taken.
Oh, pardon me, sirs.
Dad?
No.
Hmm.
Ah, butters!
Hi, dad!
Oh god!
I'm glad i found ya.
I think i know the perfect
anniversary present for mom.
What are you doing with your
wiener out there, dad?
Butters, you need to
leave here right now.
You need to
get out of here.
Go home and wait for me
to talk to you.
Oh, all right then.
Well, see you at home.
Oh, jesus, no.
Oh, what have i done?
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
Butters, oh, butters!
Could you come see me in
my study real quick?
Hey, dad.
Come here, son, i wanna
have a talk with you.
Well, sure thing, dad.
Son, i want to talk
to you about lying.
Oh, i know lying's bad, dad,
you told me so.
Yes, it sure can be.
But, there are also times
When distorting the truth
a little is appropriate.
These are called
"little white lies".
Little white lies?
You see, sometimes telling
a little white lie is okay.
Like, for instance, when
you catch your father
Jacking off in a gay
men's bath house.
Who's jack?
Butters, the point is that
I think if you told mommy
what daddy was doing tonight
She might go
completely insane.
Oh, no, that
won't happen, dad.
It won't?
All right, good.
No, because i already
told mom and she's fine.
You what?
Butters, mommy wants to take you
for a little drive now.
A drive, oh boy!
I love a good drive.
Is dad coming too?
No, sweetie, daddy
needs to sit and think.
All right, see you
in a bit, dad.
Oh boy, a drive.
Oh jeez, you wouldn't
believe how angry i was
When teacher said i had to
share my finger paints,
Because i'd been
sharing them all along.
Butters, you know
that mommy loves you
An awful lot, don't you?
Well, sure i do, mom,
i love you, too.
And sometimes
mommies do things
That seem hurtful
to their babies,
But it's really
for the best.
You mean like the time you
washed my mouth out with soap
For saying "nut sack"
in front of grandma.
Yeah, i need to
behave myself.
If a mommy has to
end her life
She can't let her baby
alone in the world
To be raised by
a sick pervert.
Well, sure, that makes sense
i suppose, yeah.
Hey, did you see
my mittens anywhere?
It's cold out here.
I'm going to get out of
the car now, butters.
I want you to stay put with
your seatbelt fastened.
Oh, well,
all right, mom.
Okay then.
Y'know, i think the car
might be moving, mom.
Yep, i'm pretty sure
the car's moving.
Looks like i'm heading
for the water.
Shh, shh,
it's okay, baby.
Mommy will be
with you very soon.
Well, i think-
Yep, it looks like the car's
fill up with water, yeah.
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
"Dear bastard husband."
No- "Dear lying
son of a bitch!"
No.
"Dear ass-Face"-
Yes, that's it.
"I will no longer-"
Linda, what are
you doing?
Stay away from me,
bastard!
Linda, i know
this is very hard.
You don't know
anything!
I've been wanting to stop
going to those places, linda,
But i couldn't,
i still love you.
Then why, chris, why?
It just, it started as some
curiosity on the internet.
I would chat with other married
guys in the chat rooms.
And well, the things they
would talk about, linda.
I don't know why i found it
exciting, i just did.
And it grew from there and
spun out of control.
And... damn you,
internet!
You don't have to worry
about your family
Being in your way anymore!
No, linda, i don't
want that lifestyle!
It's just kind of
an addiction.
I want help, and i'm
going to get help.
Please just give me a chance
to make this all up to you.
We can have a normal life.
There is no
going back, chris.
Sure there is.
No, our son is dead!
What?
I killed him.
I was going to end it all
And everything spun
out of control for me.
I drowned butters
in the car, chris!
Oh, no.
No, no, jesus, linda,
what were you thinking?
I wasn't thinking!
I couldn't think.
You destroyed my life, you!
God, what have i done?
Oh, butters!
This can't
be happening.
This is a bad dream.
Just go away
and let me die!
No, linda, we-
I'm a murderer, chris,
i don't have a life now!
Linda, butters is gone.
Oh, christ.
If butters is gone then,
There's nothing
we can do about that.
But i won't let you
go to jail, i promise.
Linda, please.
Oh boy, this thing
ain't never gonna stop.
I must be all the way
down to denver by now.
Oh, whoopee!
Finally.
Well, now that the car
has come to a stop
It's safe for me to
unfasten my seatbelt.
Boy, mom must be worried sick
about me right now.
I gotta get back home.
Gee whiz,
where the heck am i?
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
Tom, i'm standing
in front of the home
Of chris and linda stotch.
They're living every parent's
nightmare right now
As last night,
While mrs. Stotch was driving
with her son in the car,
A man stopped her,
put a gun to her head
And took her son away.
When asked who the man was,
ms. Stotch replied,
"Some puerto rican guy."
Naturally, the police are
on an all-Out manhunt
For some
puerto rican guy.
Looks like the parents are about
to make a statement, tom.
Mrs. Stotch,
mrs. Stotch!
Any word yet from the man
who took your son?
No, no, not yet.
But if you're out there,
we beg you.
We just want our baby
returned safely back to us.
Mrs. Stotch, what did the
kidnapper look like?
Puerto rican.
Was he tall, short?
He was... average
puerto rican height.
Please, just bring our
baby back to me.
? Butters?
That's me!
So then my friend started
hollering at me,
Saying, "you took
my rubber bands."
Well, i didn't take 'em,
craig did.
I saw craig take 'em.
Anyway, boy i sure am lucky
you came along, mister.
Yeah, too bad
you're not a broad
'Cause i need some
god damn poontang.
Yeah, i could use some god damn
poontang myself right now.
Have you ever been
to bennigan's, mister?
Oh, it sure is great.
I'm going to bennigan's
tomorrow night with my family.
Oh, i can just see it now.
We'll walk in
the front doors
And the nice bennigan's
hostess lady
Will take us to our
cozy booth.
Then we'll order some mozzarella
sticks for appetizers.
Dad will open his present,
mom will open hers.
Then the bennigan's
waitstaff will sing.
? Happy happy anniversary
from everyone at bennigan's?
? Happy happy anniversary
from everyone at bennigan's?
? Happy happy anniversary
from everyone at bennigan's?
? Happy happy-?
Ooh, are we stopping
for soda?
Hey, can i get
a chocolate milk?
He must like
t.G.I. Friday's.
Let us handle it.
Barbrady.
Hello?
Oh, hello.
Who is this?
Who is this?
Uh, is this the
stotch residence?
Yes, are you calling
about the abduction?
No.
Oh, well, are you
puerto rican?
No.
We need to keep
this line clear,
Call back another day.
It wasn't the
abductor, sorry.
Chief, two more parents
from the next town over
Have shown up,
saying their child
Might've been killed
by the same guy
That took the stotch boy.
Really?
This is john and patsy
ramsey from boulder.
We saw your story
on the news.
We're so sorry to
hear about your loss.
Our daughter was
killed a few years ago
In our house.
Yes, i remember hearing
something about that.
And we realized the man
that murdered your son
Must be the same person that
killed our daughter.
Yeah, because we
certainly didn't do it.
No.
No.
No.
Well, our son
was abducted.
We don't know that
he's dead yet.
Right...
? Butters?
That's me!
Sir, hello?
What can i do
for ya?
I have to get
to south park.
If you give me a ride
I can pay you the $4
i made at the titty bar.
Sorry, wife took the car to
estes park for the weekend.
Won't be back until sunday.
I can give you a ride
sunday if you like.
I can't wait 'til sunday.
I'm eating with my family
at bennigan's tomorrow.
Well then, looks like
you're walking.
Will i eventually
get to south park
If i follow this road?
That road leads
to conifer.
You wanna go
to south park
You gotta go
down that road.
Of course i ain't never seen
anyone go up that road.
Six years ago a group of campers
went up there and got lost.
Had to eat each other
to stay alive.
Used to be the way to
the o'reilly house.
He butchered over
50 children
And kept their bodies
in the cellar.
But you should find an old
bridge about halfway up.
That bridge is
cursed, y'know.
They built it with the bones
of 200 chinese laborers
Who were massacred in '34.
Yeah, a lot of history
on that road.
Well, it's my parents'
anniversary tomorrow
And they're gonna be awful sad
if i'm not there with them.
Well, good luck then.
Oh, jeez.
Or is south park
down that road?
It's so very hard to lose
a loved one, isn't it?
Yes, it, it sure is.
Thank goodness we have each
other to share our grief.
Thank goodness.
Here he is.
John, patsy.
Hello, gary,
great to see you.
Chris and linda,
this is our good friend
Congressman gary condit.
He also lost someone
close to him
And thinks it has
something to do with
The same puerto rican guy
that hurt our kids.
We're gonna get that
son of a bitch.
Yes, i sure hope we do.
I spoke with the f.B.I.
And some puerto rican guy
Has just made their
#1 most wanted.
Oh good, maybe now
they'll catch him.
Oh, here's another member
of our support group.
O.J.
Hey, guys.
Chris, linda, you
know o.J. Simpson.
Oh, sure.
O.J.'S wife was killed by some
puerto rican guy, too.
Yep, it was some puerto
rican guy all right.
So you see,
chris and linda,
There are people like you
all over the country
Who have been affected by
some puerto rican guy.
Hey, let's make
chris and linda
An official part
of the group.
Yeah!
All right!
One of us,
one of us.
Gooble gobble,
gooble gobble.
One of us,
one of us.
? For family fun
and great food too?
? Come on down
to bennigan's?
? Buffalo wings and
fried cheese sticks?
? The best are found
at bennigan's?
Hello?
? So come and eat
at bennigan's?
? You'll love our
shenanigans?
Oh, nut sack.
Oops!
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
No, linda, because
you can't now say
That the abductor
was costa rican.
You have to learn to
keep it straight!
I can't keep it
straight
When you keep inventing
new parts to the story!
Hey, don't forget that
i'm covering for you!
Don't forget your lies
started all this.
My lies may have
been deceitful,
But your lies cover up
something much more horrible
Than anything i ever did.
Happy anniversary!
Not now, butters.
Oh, all right then.
Butters?
Oh, butters.
I don't believe it!
I'm sorry, the car just
rolled into the lake
And then floated all the way
down the river.
Oh, my baby's back!
I ain't grounded,
am i?
No, no, butters.
Oh, son, we're-
Oh, we're gonna need you to
tell a little white lie
About where you've been,
though, all right?
Lie?
Oh- Yes.
Darling, you're gonna
have to say
You don't know
how you got home.
No, you have to say that
a puerto rican man
Dropped you off.
Oh, who's going to believe
he would just drop him off?
Hey, you should stop
the hollering,
It's your anniversary.
You're the one who
made up the stuff
About the puerto
rican, idiot!
Stop it,
mom and dad.
Well, you're the one that
couldn't back it up
With a description,
stupid!
Now, gosh darn it,
you listen here!
Now, i am sick of these harmless
lies and little white lies.
Y'know, you can call a shovel
an ice cream machine,
But it's still a shovel,
mom and dad.
And you can call a lie
whatever you want
But it's still a no-Good
stinkin' lie.
And when you start covering up
one lie with another lie,
Why, that's when you get
into real trouble.
Boy, i, i've just about had it
up to here with you two.
Butters...
You're as right as rain.
You sure are.
I ain't in trouble for
hollering at you, am i?
No, butters, you're the best
son in the whole world
And i'm so happy
you're alive.
Well, i'm happy
you're alive too, mom.
So now can we
go to bennigan's?
You bet, son.
But mommy and daddy have
something they have to do first.
We have an
announcement to make.
Our son has been
returned to us.
All right!
Butters was missing?
But, that isn't all
we have to say.
You see, we learned a very
important lesson tonight.
And it took the smarts of
our young son to show us.
Yeah!
We've learned that
deception is wrong.
And that the only thing to
ever make it right again
Is to come clean.
Yeah!
You see, i've been deceiving
my wife for several months.
I was going to gay
movie and bath houses
And having sex with random men
who were complete strangers.
Yea-
Wait, what?
Ha-Ho!
And when i found out
i went crazy.
I went crazy and i drove my son
into the lake to kill him.
Uh, k-Kill me?
Jesus christ!
Damn, dude.
So you see, there was no
some puerto rican guy.
He doesn't exist.
And so the people we owe
the biggest apology to
Are the ramseys, congressman
condit and o.J.
We gave you false hope
For finding the person who
hurt those close to you
And we're sorry.
Now we're just happy we won't
have to live a life of secrets.
For i knew that even though
some of you supported us
Some others were looking
at me and thinking,
"You're a liar!
You're a liar!
"You know something that
you're not telling us,
You slimy scumbag, liar!"
Y'know, that's what people
would say to me.
And then would see my wife
in the supermarket.
And they would say, "hello,"
but they'd be thinking,
"Ah, there goes
that... murderer!
"You got away with murder,
You murdering, lying
waste of life!"
And to me, people might
say things like,
"Liar!
Tell us what you know,
you god damn liar!"
And so to both of us
People all over to town
would be saying things like,
"You know god damn well
what happened to your kid
"So stop acting
like victims
"And confess, you
murdering murderers!
Confess, liar, confess!"
Y'know, and that's what people
would be saying to us.
And so we just had to come
forward and tell the truth.
We're sorry
we lied to you all.
It won't happen again.
And now if you'll excuse us
This family has to
get to bennigan's.
All right!
Wow, dude.
Your dad's a perv and
your mom tried to kill you.
Yeah.
Boy, you fellas sure are gonna
rip on me in school now.
We sure are.
I really wish i didn't
know that stuff.
I guess i learned that sometimes
lying can be for the best.
Yep.
Oh well, when i have
a chipotle blue cheese
Bacon burger
at bennigan's
I'll forget all about
my dad being queer
And my mom trying
to kill me.
I'm gonna be okay.
Really?
No, i'm lying.
Let's go, son.
Coming, dad!
? Everyone knows
it's butters?
That's me!
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