? I'm going down
to south park?
? Gonna have
myself a time?
? Friendly faces
everywhere?
? Humble folks
without temptation?
? Going down
to south park?
? Gonna leave my
woes behind?
? Ample parking
day or night?
? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?
? Headin' on up
to south park?
? Gonna see
if i can't unwind?
? So come on down
to south park?
? And meet some
friends of mine?
So, we meet again,
jennifer lopez.
"No, no, please!
This time i swear i won't make
any more albums or movies."
That's what
you said last time,
But obviously we must now
resort to more drastic measures.
"Oh, god,
it burns, it burns!"
Scream for me, bitch!
"Aah!"
Whoa, awesome!
Hey guys, you guys, come here,
you gotta check this out!
Oh, no, what now?
No, you guys,
this is really cool.
Come on!
What's this
all about, kenny?
Watch this,
it's so funny.
Come here, garden,
come on.
Heh-Heh, heh-Heh.
Red rocket,
red rocket, heh-Heh!
Come on!
Cartman, what the
hell are you doing?
I'm milking the dog,
they make dog milk.
No they don't.
Yeah they do!
Yes, just
hold on a minute.
The 5th graders showed us
how to do it.
Red rocket, come on, dog,
red rocket.
Oh, hoo!
Whoa, cool!
That's awesome!
I told you guys.
I had no ideas dogs
made milk, do it again.
Dumb-Ass, you can only milk
a dog once every few hours.
It doesn't work if you beat off
a dog again right away.
You "beat off"?
That's what it's called
when you milk a dog,
Beating it off.
Don't you guys
know anything?
Wow, you learned all this
from the 5th graders?
Yeah, i guess they
thought we were cool
So they showed us
how to do it.
Hey, come here, dog.
Dog, come here.
Heh-Heh-Heh.
I was really happy
with this month's book.
I agree with what
bob and linda said-
Mom, dad,
you gotta see this!
Not now, stanley,
This is mommy's and daddy's
book club night, remember?
But it's super cool!
Later, sweetie.
Anyway, i found myself enticed
by steinbeck's imagery.
The first chapter alone
was filled with poetry.
Oh, wasn't it?
I mean,
red rocket, red rocket!
"Cannery row in monterey
in california
Is a poem, a stint,
a grating noise."
It's amazing how
with three images
He puts you
right there and...
Red rocket,
red rocket!
Ahh!
Stanley, what the hell
are you doing?!
I'm beating off
the dog.
Red rocket,
red rocket!
Stanley, you go to
your room right now!
My room, why?
Go, stanley!
He gets very
good grades.
Stanley,
do you know why
You're being grounded for 10 months? No!
Beating off the dog is not
appropriate when we have company.
I mean- Ever!
Beating off the dog
is not appropriate ever.
Why, what's the
big deal?
Stanley, don't you understand
what you were doing?
I was doing red rocket to make
the dog's milk come out.
No, stan, what you're doing
to the dog was... sexual.
Huh?
You were stimulating
the dog, stanley.
What came out of him
was his...
Randy?
Well, you know, when you
do that to a male...
You make his...
stuff come out.
Well, jesus, haven't they taught
you these things in school?
What things?
Sexual education- Haven't
you learned that yet?
No!
Oh, well,
you see, stanley-
Well, your school should be
teaching this stuff.
Yeah, let's get that
damn school on the phone.
Okay, parents, i know a lot of
you want a chance to speak,
But we want have to
talk one at a time.
Look, our kids are learning sexual
things on the streets and on television.
There's no way
we can stop it.
The schools have to
teach them sexual education
At a younger age.
School policy has been to teach
sexual education later,
In the 6th grade.
It isn't
soon enough.
Yeah, why just
this afternoon
Our son was caught
beating off our dog.
Look, parents, do you really want
your children learning about sex?
Part of the fun of being a kid
is being naive.
Let them be kids
for a while.
Naive at what
cost, chef?
Parents, we have to
face facts.
Children in america are having
sex at younger and younger ages.
S.T.D.S are affecting younger
and younger kids all the time.
The only way we can
combat that
Is by educating children
before they have sex.
The first thing that kids
learn about sex
Shouldn't be some big
scare tactic about s.T.D.S.
No, she's right.
With all the teen pregnancies
that are out today,
I think my boydoesneed to know
about sexual education.
From the school.
Yeah, uh-Huh.
Yeah, we have to.
Okay, boys, this is the first day
of sexual education, m'kay now.
I know that some of you
think this is very funny.
Words like
"penis" and "vagina".
Now, stop that, m'kay.
We're gonna get through this
by being mature and grown up.
M'kay.
Now, this is the
male anatomy, m'kay?
Here we see the testis
and the scrotum.
Stop that, m'kay!
The next person that laughs
is gonna get a referral.
M'kay...
Now, in order to have
intercourse, m'kay,
The man takes
his penis and he...
Uh, let's see.
The man takes
his penis and he... hmm.
Dude, haven't you ever had
intercourse, mr. Mackey?
Well, sure i have,
it's just...
I was about
19 at the time.
It's been about
21 years.
M'kay...
Let's see, uh...
I'm pretty sure i took-
Yeah, i took the penis and i-
What the hell did i do
with that damn thing?
All right, girls,
Even though this may be stuff
you don't want to hear
You need to hear it.
Oh, we wanna hear it,
miss choksondik, we're excited.
Yeah, we think
it's gonna be fun.
Yeah! Yeah!
Fun, it's
going to be fun?
Well let's start with our
first lesson then, shall we?
Sexually transmitted
diseases!
That's right, because unless
you get boys to wear condoms
You can and will get a sexually
transmitted disease from them.
How fun is that, hmm?
Is that fun?
I didn't mean that-
Today over 20,000 americans
will contract a sexual disease.
Today!
12,000 more tomorrow.
And the reason is that you girls
wake up in the morning
And say, "it's not gonna
happen to me."
You say,
"oh, miss choksondik,
"That happens to girls
in detroit and brooklyn,
But not here
in colorado."
Wrong!
Gonorrhea, herpes,
chlamydia, h.P.V, h.I.V.,
Syphilis, hepatitis "b",
hepatitis "c"-
The list goes on and on.
These are
serious diseases!
They have serious
consequences!
You think that sex is about
fun and games and love.
Wrong!
Sex is about disease.
Here's a little picture
of herpes.
Ahh! Ahh!
And here's a little
syphilis for ya.
Aah! Aah!
That's right, girls,
Here's what happens when you
don't get boys to use condoms.
Hello there, children.
Hey, chef!
How is sexual
education class going?
It's dumb, mr. Mackey
doesn't teach us nothin'.
Yeah, i don't think
ol' mackey
Knows a hymen from
a hysterectomy.
And choksondik,
i'd be surprised
If she'severgotten
laid in her life.
Yeah.
Chef, what's "laid"?
Oh, nothing.
Now move along, children,
you're holding up the line.
Hey, maybe we should ask the
girls what they learned in sex ed.
Yeah.
Hey, wendy,
did you guys get-
Aah!
What the hell is
wrong with them?
You guys,
we just wanna know-
Aah!
Stay away from me, stan!
Why?
Are you wearing
a condom?
A what?
Aah!
Do any of you have
your condoms on?
No.
Don't you know that
without wearing a condom
You could
get a disease?
Nah-Ah.
Yeah-Huh.
If you don't wear a condom
you're gonna get aids.
Aids?
Oh jeez, i don't wanna
get the aids, fellas.
Is that what you
learned in sex ed?
Mr. Mackey didn't say
nothing about that.
Dude, mr. Mackey didn't know
anything about anything.
You guys have to
wear condoms.
Now, please, just,
just go away.
We don't want your aids.
But wendy, we don't
understand how-
Aah!
Oh my god, dude.
What are we
gonna do, huh?
Dude, we gotta go get
condoms quick.
Yeah! Yeah!
Heh...
Can i help you boys?
Yeah, we need
condoms.
Condoms?
Yeah, quick.
How old
are you boys?
Why does that matter?
I'll be nine
next week.
Sorry, kids, i'm not
selling you condoms.
Why not, you want us
to get aids?
I just don't think that
kids your age should be-
Mark, we have to be willing
to supply condoms
To anyone who
requests them.
But, they're children!
Would you rather them
do it unprotected?
Yeah, you want us
unprotected, asshole?
I just think that all this
sex ed and condom talk
In elementary school
is wrong.
Kids are going to
do what they do,
And it's up to us to make
sure they're protected.
I'm glad this
lady's on our side.
I don't think we have any
that will even fit them.
Sure, we do,
We just got in the new
gladiatorsfor kids.
"Lil mini's"-
They're specially designed
for can kids under 10,
And they're only 5.95
for a box of 50.
Fifty?
Can't we just use the
same one every day?
No, you have to
change it.
Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to
buy tons of these things.
Well, thanks so much for letting
me come over, miss choksondik.
Oh, it's no problem,
mr. Mackey,
It's probably best we come up
with a lesson plan together anyway.
Yeah, i've already gone over
most of the basics, y'know,
With the boys,
but i, ah,
Just wanted to see what else
you were teaching the girls
In case i
missed anything.
We should make sure
our students
Are good and scared
of the consequences.
We have to teach them that
diseases are possible,
Even with just oral sex.
Right, oral sex, which
of course would be?
Using your mouth on
the penis or vagina.
Penis or vagina, right,
oral sex, m'kay.
It's just too bad these girls
are having sex so young.
Yeah... did you?
Did i what?
Well, how long did you wait
before you had, uh, doobers?
Well, if you must know, i'm
still somewhat of a virgin.
But i'm not
ashamed of it!
I wasn't really sought after
much in high school or college.
I was made fun of most my life
for having such large glasses.
The only boyfriend
i ever had
Was this attractive, popular
boy named steven garret.
I liked him very much, but i
found out he was dating me
Because he had lost a bet
on the superbowl.
Loser had to go out with me
for three days.
Oh, i'm sorry.
People can be
very cruel.
Anyway, i know it's
hard to understand.
Actually, i understand
perfectly.
I wasn't exactly the captain
of the football team either.
And then as i got older,
My head just sort of
seemed to get bigger
While the rest of my body
stayed the same.
That's how i got my
nickname in college.
Your nickname?
"That guy with the
really big head."
Right.
Anyway, i sort of
lost any confidence
And found it impossible to
ever ask a woman out.
Well, i've never met a man
Who was as sexually
unappealing as me.
Neither have i.
Well, i'm quite happy
without sex.
I mean, with all the diseases
and problems out there.
Who needs it, right?
Not me.
M'kay.
Well, back to the
lesson plan then.
Right.
Okay, oral sex.
Doesn't it give any
other directions?
No, it looks like you're just
supposed to roll it over your wiener.
"If used probably latex
condoms are effective against
Pregnancy, aids
and other 'stdses'."
What are "stdses"?
How the heck
should i know?
Why, it's just
a little doughnut.
Oh, it's all gooey.
Just put it on,
butters.
How come i
gotta go first?
Butters, will you stop...
filibustering.
All right then.
Oh, it's sticky.
It says you gotta check
it for holes or tears.
I don't even understand
how this thing-
Oh, wait, oh, i see.
Don't look at butters'
schlong, gay-Mo!
I wasn't looking
at his schlong,
I was seeing how to
put the condom on!
Sure.
But it won't stay on.
I need a rubber band
or something.
I've got
rubber bands!
Ow, oh, ow!
Okay, ow!
There, okay,
i think it's on.
How do you feel?
Pretty good.
Do you feel
protected?
Yeah, i don't think nothing's getting
at my wiener through this thing.
It's even got a little reservoir
at the end so you can pee in it.
All right,
here, everybody.
Tweek, give everybody
a rubber band.
Hey, somebody's gotta help
timmy put his condom on.
Timmy!
Teachers,
i have some bad news.
Last night i received a phone
call from the local pharmacist.
Apparently, almost all of our
4th graders are sexually active.
And now that we've
scared them a little
They're buying
condoms to use.
I knew it.
Well, at least we scared them
enough to protect themselves.
But now maybe you'll believe me
when i say that we need to be
Teaching even younger
than 4th grade.
But how old do you think
a student should be
When they learn about
proper condom use?
Kindergarten.
Kindergarten?!
We've to get to the students
before they start having... sex.
Not after.
Oh, now this is
getting ridiculous.
I have to agree with
miss choksondik.
It's our responsibility to
make sure our kids are safe
If they're gonna
screw around.
I guess we have
no choice.
Okay, children, who can
tell me what a condom is?
Yes, jenny.
It flies around
and it's endangered.
That's acondor,
jenny,condor.
Condoms are what we use to stop
the spread of s.T.D.S.
Yes, filmore?
Can we do
finger-Paints?
No, we can't do
finger-Paints!
You kids wanna
get herpes, huh?
How about a nice bucket
of aids, sound good?
Now pay attention,
all right?
I'm going to show you the
proper way to put on a condom.
First of all, you remove the
condom from its package.
Then you find which way
the condom rolls out.
Put it in your mouth
and apply.
Ahhh, ahh!
And it's as simple
as that, any questions?
All right, girls,
yesterday we went over
The myriad of diseases
you can get from boys.
But today we're
going to talk about
The most horrible disease
they can give you of all.
Pregnancy!
That's right, since you girls
decided to be sexually active,
Teen pregnancy
is at an all-Time high.
You seem to think it's gonna be
fun and neat to have a baby.
Well, let's watch
a little video, shall we?
Strikie smallspresents
"the miracle of child birth".
The time is drawing close
for delivery.
Here we can see
the water breaking.
Eww!
Later the contractions are
happening closer together.
Mom sure is in
a lot of pain.
Now we can see the crown
of the baby's head,
Stretching the
vaginal walls
In ways never before thought
possible by mom.
Finally the miracle happens
and the baby is born.
But mom's not done yet.
She's still got some afterbirth
to push out of her.
Aaah!
That's right.
Girls, girls,
where are you going?
Man, this condom is
driving me crazy.
Yeah, i've changed mine
three times already
'Cause it itches so much.
Yeah, but it makes going
to the bathroom easier.
All right, boys, i now have
all the information i need
To teach you the
female anatomy, m'kay.
M'kay, this part here
is the vaginal opening.
This is where
the man puts his-
Eric, what the hell
are you doing?
I'm putting on
a new condom,
I filled
the other one up.
Why are you
wearing a condom?
So, i don't get aids.
Eric, you can't get aids
from just sitting around,
You have to get it
from sex.
From sex?
Yes.
You mean intercourse
with a girl?
Yes!
Now will you all
pay attention, please?
The vagina and
the clitoris are on...
All this time, it's the
girls that giveusdiseases.
I knew it, girls lie!
They lie right to
your face!
Now here we can see the
interior female anatomy...
Well, that does it,
if us boys are going to live
We have to get rid of
the girls.
Yeah, come on, guys,
this is war.
Yeah.
Come on!
And here we see the
tender, magical uterus.
Here we see the
enticing, voluptuous
Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
Okay, children,
now i want to review
The different
sexual positions.
Who can tell me which sexual
positions we talked about?
Missionary position.
Missionary position, good.
A little boring,
but tried and true.
What else?
Doggie.
That's right, doggie style
we went over, mm-Hmm.
Pile driver.
Uh-Huh, pile driver position,
good, quake.
The filthy sanchez.
Yes, good, flora, you remembered
the filthy sanchez.
Hot karl?
Yes, you can give your partner
the old hot karl, sure.
There, you see?
The girls have built some kind
of stronghold to keep us out.
Stay away from us, bastards,
we don't wanna get pregnant!
Yeah, just take your diseases
and go away forever.
Ha! They're
your diseases.
Yeah, you get
out of town.
Here, talk to them,
butters.
Me? What the heck am i
supposed to say?
Just tell them if they
leave town peacefully
We won't have to
resort to violence.
Just walk away.
You can put a stop
to all this.
Just walk away, and we will
spare your lives.
Just walk away.
He's pretty good.
We'll never
walk away, never!
Oh, bitch!
That does it!
Attack!
M'kay, so apparently
the lesson plan tomorrow
Is supposed to involve secretion
of bodily fluids, m'kay.
I've already gone through
that with the girls,
It's pretty simple.
Do you want
a drink?
Why, sure.
Yeah, i think i can get through
that stuff pretty quick.
Ah, maybe we should come up
with another lesson plan.
Something about
how nerve endings
Play an important part
in intercourse.
Oh, right, right.
Like...
in the... nipples.
Or the...
shaft of the penis.
It says here that
the, uh, head of the penis
Is actually the most
sensitive part, m'kay.
Oh yes, the nerve endings
are the most concentrated
At the tip of the penis,
Like they are in the
clitoris of the woman.
And these are the two areas
most important to...
Sexual stimulation.
Oh, is this wrong?
I don't know,
it doesn't feel wrong.
I've been thinking about you
a lot, miss choksondik.
Yeah, what do you do when
you think about me?
Go crazy.
Do you touch
yourself?
Yeah.
Mmm.
Ah, m'kay.
Oh my gosh, oh god.
Stop, stop!
What's wrong?
It's your turn.
Oh, oh,
miss choksondik.
M'kay, m'kay!
Do you want me?
I do.
Tell me.
I want you, m'kay.
Wait, wait, wait!
Do you have
a condom?
Well, no.
Oh well,
it.
Oh god,
give it to me.
Oh yeah.
Oh, oh, that's it,
baby, that's it.
Oh, you feel
so good, m'kay.
What the hell
was that?
Did you feel
something?
Oh, no.
Jesus christ!
Ooh, butters, you're in
big trouble now.
Well, i don't know
what got into you kids.
You should be ashamed
of yourselves.
We just didn't want the
girls giving us diseases.
I'm afraid this is
all my fault.
I think i went a little
overboard scaring the girls.
I forgot to tell them that
to get diseases from boys
You have to have sex
with them first.
Oh!
Well, i hate to say it, but
you all got what you deserve.
Huh? Huh?
Look, schools are
teaching condom use
To younger and younger
students each day.
But sex isn't something
that should be taught
In textbooks and diagrams.
Sex is emotional
and spiritual.
It needs to be taught
by family.
I know it can be
hard, parents,
But if you leave it up to the
schools to teach sex to kids,
You don't know who
they're learning it from.
It could be someone
who doesn't know.
Someone who has
a bad opinion of it,
Or even a complete pervert.
What, why did you
pan to me just now?
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
He's right,
i never knew how
Special and personal sex was
until just recently.
This whole mess started because we
couldn't talk to our boy ourselves.
It easier to leave it
up to the school,
But it's just not
a school subject.
Then it's decided, no more
condom classes in grade school.
Hooray! Hooray!
But chef, when is the right age
for us to start having sex?
It's very simple,
children,
The right time to
start having sex is...
Seventeen.
Seventeen?
Seventeen.
So you mean 17 as long as
you're in love?
No, just 17.
But what if you're
not ready at 17?
17, you're ready.
Well, i guess we got
a while to wait
Before we worry about sex
and diseases, huh, wendy?
Yeah, thank god.
Well, i guess now that
that's out of the way
We can get on
with our lives.
Come here, boy.
That's it, red rocket,
red rocket, come on yeah.
Come on,
red rocket, dog.
Red rocket now.
Okay, children, so what other
sexual positions
Did we talk about?
Yeah, the wrap-Around butt grab,
sure, can't forget that.
Uh-Huh, reverse cowgirl,
good, kevin.
Hot lunch, yeah,
she likes that.
Donkey punch, uh-Huh.
Glass bottom boat,
good one, yes.
Fish eye,
good, jenny.
Chili dog, mm-Hmm.
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