South Park S06E16 My Future Self 'n Me

* i'm going down
to south park *
* gonna have
myself a time *
* friendly faces
everywhere *
* humble folks
without temptation *
* going down
to south park *
* gonna leave my
woes behind *
* ample parking
day or night *
* people spouting
"howdy neighbor" *
* headin' on up
to south park *
* gonna see
if i can't unwind *
* tim-Tmah tim-Mah,
tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah *
* so come on down
to south park *
* and meet some
friends of mine *
Throw it away, clyde.
I'm not gonna touch it.
You throw it away.
What's going on?
Some high-Schoolers left a
marijuana cigarette behind.
We have to throw it away before
some kids find it or something.
So throw it away.
Nobody wants to
touch it.
What if the residue
gets on our hands
And it leads to harder drugs
like those commercials say?
Yeah, didn't you see that
commercial where it says
If you have pot you can
become a terrorist?
And the commercial
where two kids have pot
And the one kid
shoots the other.
Harmless?
You guys, those commercials
are just exaggerations.
How do you know?
None of us have ever
had any drugs before.
Well, i did
ecstasy once.
Me and my
girlfriend took it,
And we stayed up all night
having s-S-Sex.
Where did you have
sex with her?
In her v-V-Vagina.
Thank you,
thank you.
What a terrific audience.
It's just a stupid plant
that makes you dumb.
Touching it
won't hurt you.
Then you throw it away,
smartass.
Fine, i will.
There- See?
I touched marijuana-
I'm not a terrorist,
i didn't shoot anybody
And i don't feel like
doing more drugs now.
No big deal.
You kids
don't around
With your mom!
Dad, we can't!
The
Stan, what'd i tell you about
watching "the osbournes"?
Oh, come on, mom!
It's going to make you
retarded!
It's just a show!
It doesn't have any
effect on me
For's sake!
Oh goodie, now we can
watch the news.
In other news, south park
police are still looking for
A crazy man who terrorized
the town one hour ago.
The man claimed to be
from the future
And ran naked
through the city streets,
Screaming, "the past!
The past!
Oh my god,
it's the past!"
Which is what one would expect
someone from the future to yell.
Oh my god,
it's the past!
Oh whoa, man,
it's you!
Who are you?
It's me, mom,
your son, stan!
Who is it, sharon?
Dad!
Dad?
Look, we don't know you
and you don't know us.
Just go away before
we call the police.
Who the is it,
mom and dad?
No way, it's me
from the past!
I'm me from the past?
No, i'm you
from the future.
Oh man, this is
so messed up.
Okay, we've had enough.
Your name's randy marsh.
You're a geologist and
you don't like chicken.
Mom, your maiden name
is kimble
And you have a scar
on your left knee
From when you slipped at
the swimming pool!
Randy,
what's going on?
I don't know.
Dude, just let me talk to you
for like five minutes.
After that, i'll bail.
I can still remember
when i was five
And you both found that squirrel
i'd been keeping in the closet,
And you let me keep it
for another week,
And then it ran away.
But that's what
you told me,
I knew mom had actually
let it out.
How could he possibly
know all that?
<i>Unless- He is our son
from the future.
But why are you back in this
time with us, son?
I have no idea, man, i was
just about to go to sleep
In an alley behind
the crack house.
I had shot up
a little heroin,
And then this electrical
storm started.
The next thing i knew i was
running around in my own past, man.
I thought i was
just tripping,
But then i came down
and i was still here!
Oh dude,
it's so bizarre!
Oh dude, i should've never
touched that marijuana.
Stan, whatever has happened,
we're going to help you.
That's right.
We're a family,
no matter what time shift.
Thanks. Could i get
another beer?
You must be exhausted.
Why don't you
get some sleep?
That'd be killer.
Where can i
crash?
Well, i'm sure stan wouldn't
mind sharing his room.
What?! I have to share
my room with my future self?
Oh, no!
* here we are
face to face *
* my future self n' me
Stop it.
* so much alike
and yet so different *
* one of us messy
the other one clean *
* gettin' along
isn't always easy *
* sometimes we disagree
Quit it.
* but in the end we know
we're good for each other *
* two peas in a pod
future self n' me *
* future self
n' me *
* future self n'...
* nnnnn' me *
Hey guys.
Hey.
Whoa!
Kyle and cartman!
So cool to
see you guys!
Who's this asshole?
This is my future self.
He came during the electrical
storm last night,
And is caught in
a time matrix.
He's me when i'm 32.
Wow,
that's pretty cool.
But how does he
know our names?
'Cause, r-Tard,
he's stan from the future!
He knows everything
stan knows.
Ohhh.
Wait- Stan becomes
this douche bag?
Yeah, i spent a lot of my
teenage years on a slow,
Downward spiral experimenting
with drugs and alcohol.
Ha ha ahaaa!
Haa ahaaa haaa!
Shut up, cartman!
That is so awesome!
Thank you, god!
Oh, praise god!
Hey, what happens to me
in the future?
Oh, i don't know.
You guys stayed away from
drugs so you were okay.
I just lost touch with you
After i was sent to
juvie hall in 2006.
Juvie hall!
Ha hahaha!
Stan's a loser!
Stan's a loser!
God dammit.
Thanks for staying after school
and tutoring me, butters.
Well, sure thing, stan.
But how come you care about
schoolwork all of a sudden?
I told you, i can't stand
my future self!
I have to do whatever i can to
not become a loser like him.
Well, studying
is the golden key
To the imposing door
of success.
I just can't stand having my
future self around all the time.
It's driving me crazy!
Maybe if i get smarter
i won't become him
And i won't have to
share my room!
I know what you mean.
I hate having my
future self around too!
Yeah, it's like
everything i do, he-
Wait a minute-
What did you say?
I said i know how you feel.
My life has gone
completely downhill
Ever since my
future self moved in.
I hate him.
All he ever wants to do
is watch "becker".
And that show
is so stupid.
Dude, how long has your
future self been around?
Oh, i guess it's been
about four months now.
Four months?!
And you never told anybody
you were living with
Yourself from the future?!
Nobody asked.
Where is he now?
Probably watching
"becker".
My name is t. Becker.
The "t" stands for
"terrific".
Ha ha ha!
See, here he is-
Future butters.
Future self, this is
my good friend-
Stan!
Sure i remember you!
Yup, wearing that puffball
hat like always!
Oh, hello, boys.
Future butters, it's time to
take your liver medicine.
Liver medicine?
Yeah, my future self
has a bad kidney
From all the drinking
he did in high school.
I need to learn
to behave myself.
Hey, where are you
going, stan?
Alright, where's that
son of a bitch's wallet?
What are you looking for,
huh, stan?
Butters, don't you think it's
a little bit of a coincidence
<i>That both your future self
and my future self
Got caught in a
"matrix-Anx" time plane?
Well, we both got the same
teacher for homeroom, too.
You didn't say
anything then.
Here it is.
There has to be
something-
Wait, what's this?
This expires in 2002.
Why would he have this
in his wallet?
I don't follow.
3451 colfax avenue.
Come on, butters!
Ooh, are we off
on an adventure?!
<i>Here it is-
Motivationcorp.
I don't think we're supposed
to go in there, stan.
Maybe we should go
adventuring somewhere else.
Butters, part of being
on an adventure
Is you go places
you're not supposed to!
Oh!
Well, you're good at
adventurin', huh, stan?
What the hell
is going on here?
And it should take
about a month
To achieve the
results you want.
Well, mr. And
mrs. Brooks,
I think you're gonna be very
pleased with the results.
We sure hope so.
We just don't know how to
talk to our son about drugs.
Well, now you won't
have to.
Ah, here he is.
This is josh cashner,
He'll be playing the role
of your future son.
Nice to meet you-
"Mom and dad"!
My goodness, he does look
a little like kevin.
Yes, and he knows all
your family history
And every detail
of your house.
And, he's worked up quite
a future for your son!
I'm going to tell him that
i dropped out of school
And went to prison
for eight years
Where i was sodomized!
In the ass!
Ooh-Hoo, that should get kevin
to stay clear of drugs.
It sure should!
Alright, so we'll put the fake
news report out on tuesday night-
Make sure your son is watching
the channel four news.
Oh, and that's when you fake the
electrical storm as well?
Motivationcorp takes care
of everything.
Just follow these simple scripts
when your actor arrives.
"Listen to me,
you crazy person.
There's no way you can
be from the future."
Ooh! This is
going to be fun!
I can't believe it,
it's all a scam!
Yeah, i can't believe it!
They've all been lying to us
this whole time!
This whole time!
I wonder if my future self
knows anything about this.
Hey, maybe my future self
remembers this happening
And can shed some light
on the subject.
Butters,
don't you get it?!
Those assholes aren't
our future selves,
Our parents hired them to
make us more motivated!
But then why did they
come back to the past?
They didn't come back to
the past, you dumbass!
They're actors!
Oh.
Ohh...
But that's like
they're lying.
It is lying, butters.
Your parents lied to you
and my parents lied to me!
Get it?!
Ooh, that makes me angry.
Why, if professor chaos were
here he would make everyone pay!
Who's that?
You know,
professor chaos-
Bringer of destruction
and disorder!
What?
Follow me
back home, stan.
It's time i let you in on
a horrible secret.
Wait right here, stan.
I warn you, you may not like
what you're about to see.
We have to teach
our parents a lesson.
Show them they can't just play
with our emotions like that.
Ha ha ha haaaa!
Now you know my
terrible secret!
You're gay?
That's fine if you're gay,
butters, i don't care.
Huh?
No, i'm professor chaos.
We have to teach our parents
a lesson, butters!
We're running away!
Help me find the perfect place
to run away to!
Mmm... maybe i used a little
too much silver.
How about this-
Winter park.
It looks kinda nice.
No, we gotta run away
somewhere warm.
Oh, look at this, stan.
"Are you sick of
your parents?
"Do you want revenge for
something they've done to you?
"Call the parental revenge
center of western america
"For a free consultation.
Results guaranteed."
Dude, i didn't know
there was such a thing!
Hey look, somebody
lost their cat.
Uh, hi, is this the
parental revenge center
Of western america?
Uh, i'm really pissed off
at my parents
And i want to impose swift and
horrible revenge upon them?
Look, you can make
your wiener bigger
In just three weeks.
Oh really?
Okay, where are you
located, please?
Great, um, can i
come by tomorrow?
This lady will come and
massage your wiener for $95.
Well, that's a
pretty good deal.
11:00 is great,
thank you.
That was easy!
I just have to
go to their office
And they'll help me figure out
how to get back at my parents.
Hey, i wanna get revenge on
my douche bag parents too!
Fine, then you can
come with me.
Hooray!
And then we can
make our wieners bigger
And have a lady
massage 'em.
I guess this is it.
Uh, hello?
We're here about revenge
on our parents?
Yes, come in, please.
Cartman?!
Oh, stan, butters, i didn't
know it was you guys.
What the hell are you
doing here?
I'm running a business, stan,
are you my 11:00?
You're the parental revenge
center of western america?
God dammit, i knew this was
too good to be true.
Come on, butters,
let's go!
So you don't want to
make your parents suffer
And pay for
mistreating you then?
Look, i don't know what
your parents did to you,
But if you're here, i take it
they pissed you off pretty good.
Maybe you should at least
hear what i have to offer?
I'm sorry, we thought this was
a legitimate business.
And it is, i assure you.
I started this business
over three months ago,
From the ground up.
I've been helping children get
back at their parents ever since.
How many parents have you
exacted revenge upon?
Craig's.
And clyde's.
Oh, and kyle's.
But that was a freebie.
Look, i run a legitimate
business here
With state-Of-The-Art computers,
charts and technology.
Look around you.
I know how it feels to be really,
really pissed off at your parents.
And i will work hard-
For you.
Our moms and dads lied to us
about those future selves.
It was just a trick to get us
To not want to try
drugs or alcohol.
God dammit.
See, this is exactly why
i started this business.
If a parent can't
respect their child,
Then who can they
respect, huh?
Yeah!
Listen, parents understand one
thing, and that's consequences.
They need to see consequences
from their actions
Or else they'll never learn.
What my company does is
inflicts those consequences
Upon the parents in a very real
and very direct way.
How much is this
going to cost us?
$18,000.
How about just
387 easy payments
Of 199.95?
How about five bucks?
So everything is working out
with your future actor?
Your son seems to be
responding?
I think he's pretty scared
all right.
It's just
a little weird
Having to keep lying
to our boy like this.
Well you know what us
ultra-Liberals say.
"When it comes to children
and drugs, lies are okay."
The ends justify the means.
Well, take smoking
for instance-
The truth is
there's no hard evidence
That secondhand smoke
can kill,
But we believe it's okay
to lie about it
As long as it gets people
to stop smoking.
Well, that makes sense.
So it is with everything
here at motivationcorp.
It's okay for us to lie
and tell kids
That all marijuana
supports terrorism,
Or that one pill of ecstasy
is gonna kill them.
It's not necessarily true,
but the ends justify the means.
I think that when
this is all over
Our son is
gonna thank us.
Okay, butters,
let's start with you.
I think i found a great way
to get revenge on your parents.
Tell me if i'm going in the
right direction here.
What we're gonna do, butters,
Is wait for your parents
to leave the house,
And then, smear all
the walls- With poop.
Huh! That'll make 'em
awful sore!
Now, i want you to take a look
at some of these poop swatches.
Poop swatches?
Poop comes in a lot of
varieties, butters,
I wanna find
the perfect one,
Tailored to your revenge
on your parents.
Hey, that's neat-O,
huh, stan?
Personally, i like
the "baby green".
But i also think that
"classic brown"
Would go nicely
with your house.
Wow, you sure are
professional, eric.
I don't know which
swatch i like best.
Well, you know what
we could do, butters,
Is go with baby green
in the living room
And then maybe a classic brown
or even "nut n' corn crunch"
In your parents bedroom.
That sounds good!
Okay, let's do that then.
That'll look nice.
Hooray!
Alright now, stan,
For you've i've put together
a really nice design.
I feel your parents were a bit
more cocky about lying to you,
And your revenge needs
to reflect that.
So what i want to do is put
a note on your parents door,
Telling them i'm the counselor
from the school.
Yeah?
The note will inform them that
a problem has come up
And they need to meet me right
away, back at my office.
Yeah?
Your parents will drive
all the way out to the school
Discovering that no meeting
is actually taking place.
Yeah?
And while they're gone,
We're gonna smear all
their walls with poop.
Wow!
Neat-O!
That's not neat-O,
that sucks!
You're gonna smeared butters'
parents' walls with poop?
I thought each revenge was
unique and customized.
Poop smearing is the hot ticket
right now, stan.
Have you seen
the poop swatches?
Dude, that's not
extreme enough!
My parents aren't gonna
learn their lesson
From having some crap
smeared on their walls!
I want them to see
what they did was wrong.
I want them to admit
that they lied to me!
Okay, okay, fine.
Just my first idea, that's why
we have these consultations.
Okay, let me see here.
Uh...
Well, this is nice.
How about this?
We'll lure your parents
out of the house-
And then we'll kill them.
We'll cut them up into little
pieces and feed them to a dog.
Dude!
Extreme enough for you?
How's wednesday?
No, that's too extreme!
Well, first its not extreme
enough, then it's too extreme-
Where do you want it?
Just forget it, cartman, you
don't know what you're doing!
I am a professional,
sir!
Don't worry, butters, you're
gonna be 100% satisfied.
Hey future self.
Yes, former self?
<i>You know that thing
that i've kept hidden
In the hole in the wall
for two years
That i've never
told anybody about?
You know, the thing that i
take out of the shoe box
Every night before
i go to sleep?
Oh, uh...
You must know what
i'm talking about?
Sure, uh, uh...
Oh man, could you all
excuse me for a second?
I think i'm gonna
crap my pants.
Uh, stan, don't you think
you're upsetting
Your future self a little?
Yeah, stan, don't be
so hard on yourself.
Mom, dad-
I don't think that guy
is from the future.
Oh, you, you don't?
No, you know
what i think?
I think this is all
an elaborate hoax.
And i think that whoever
is doing it
Doesn't have very much
respect for me.
See, the best way to try to
motivate somebody
Is by being direct with them,
to be honest with them.
I think this whole future self
thing is a lie,
And lies are never the right way
to get your message across.
Well, you know what
i think, stan?
What?
<i>I think he is
from the future!
Yeah, he must be!
<i>It's like, i just feel
he's our son, you know?
Right, that's
mother's intuition.
You can't argue with that.
No, stan, i think the only way
you're gonna get rid of him
Is by staying clear
of drugs and alcohol!
Right!
Okay, very nice,
very nice.
Oh wait-
God dammit, philippe!
The classic brown poop is supposed
to go in the parents bedroom.
The living room is supposed
to be all baby green poop.
<i>Que?
La caca no esta aqul?
<i>La caca de
moreno alta, si?
<i>Aqul es verde, senor,
es verde!
<i>Arriba!
Arriba!
<i>Si, si, senor!
<i>Bien, gracias.
E tu?
Carlos!
Carlos, no!
We want a textured effect on the
nut n' corn crunch poop!
That's why we spackle
with the sponge, see?
<i>Spackle gently.
La marrdo.
<i>Gently, see?
Marrdo.
<i>Si, marrdo.
<i>Marrrdo,
spectacularrr.
<i>Si.
Ugh, so hard to find
good help.
Ah, butters! Like what
you're seeing so far?
Boy, it sure is
stinky in here.
Yeah, well,
300 gallons of poop
Isn't gonna smell like
a garden, butters.
But i think it's coming
together real nice.
Look, eric,
i been thinking,
My parents sure are gonna be
awful sore and i don't-
Yes, well, i've done my job,
haven't i?
Pepete!
Pepete, no!
<i>No come la taco
en la trabajar!
Yes, well, it's hard to
find work in commercials
So i ended up-
Oh, stan!
Oh dude,
how's it going, man?
Hey, you wanna go upstairs
and play hide and go seek?
Hide and go seek, huh?
Yeah, stan,
why don't you go upstairs
And play with yourself.
I don't believe that
he's my future self.
Yeah, but we can't be sure,
so we better assume he is
And never try that first
marijuana cigarette, huh?
No, actually, i have
a way to be sure.
I'm going to
cut off my hand.
If he is my future self,
then his hand will disappear.
Stanley, you don't
need to do that!
He is your future self!
But i have to know
for sure.
Don't be silly, stan,
You don't wanna go through
life without one of your hands.
Maybe it's the hand i smoked
that first joint with.
Here i go,
i'm gonna do it.
Stan!
Yes?
Uh, nothing,
go ahead.
Randy!
Aaagh!
Oooooh!
Oh my god, look!
Aaaagh!
Why, his hand
did disappear!
He is you
from the future!
Oh, jesus christ,
help me!
That's weird, because i didn't
really cut off my hand-
It was fake.
Uh, look, it was fake
in the future too!
Looks like you better really
watch out for marijuana,
Huh, stan?
Well, butters, i hope
you like the work.
I'm sure your parents
will be plenty pissed off.
And after
my parents get angry
How do we get the poop
off the walls?
Ooh, uh, that's
a different company.
Oh, someone's here,
we better run out the back.
Pepete! Carlos!
<i>Vamanos!
But cartman, wait!
Oh, christmas.
Butters!
Oh, stan!
Butters, we- Oh god,
it smells in here.
Yeah, well,
300 gallons of poop
Isn't gonna
smell like a garden.
Butters,
we're running away.
We are?
Our parents are never gonna
admit what they did was wrong,
And they're never
gonna change.
What the hell
is this?!
Oh my god,
our house!
Oh jeez,
i'm gonna get it now.
Butters!
Do you have an
explanation for this?!
Well, not really, sir,
i just thought-
Wait a minute, chris-
Don't you see?
This might be our fault.
Wh- I-
My god,
you're right, linda.
This is what we get for
deceiving our son.
Huh?!
Butters, listen, the whole
future self thing,
Well, it was a dirty fib.
We just so desperately wanted
you to never try drugs
That we used
a big scare tactic
Instead of
telling you the truth.
We thought the ends
justified the means,
But they don't.
They just don't, son!
We're sorry, baby!
Get the
outta here.
Stan!
Stan!
Oh, okay, you might
be wondering
Why butters has
a future self too.
Yes, well, you see, son,
The time matrix pulled in
more people from-
Oh, stop it, you guys!
I know all about
motivationcorp!
All i've been trying to
get you guys to do
Is admit that you
lied to me!
Oh...
Well, son, we've just been
trying to make sure
You know how dangerous
drugs like pot are.
I've been told a lot of
things about pot,
But i've come to find out a lot
of those things aren't true!
So i don't know
what to believe!
Well, stan,
the truth is
Marijuana probably isn't going
to make you kill people.
And most likely isn't gonna
fund terrorists.
But, well, son, pot makes you
feel fine with being bored.
And it's when
you're bored
That you should be learning
some new skill
Or discovering some new science
or being creative.
If you smoke pot
you may grow up to find out
That you aren't good
at anything.
I really, really wish you
just would've told me that
From the beginning.
He's right.
If we use lies
and exaggerations
To keep kids off drugs,
Then they're never gonna
believe anything we tell them.
Well there's only one person
i can blame-
Motivationcorp!
Oh, god!
Who smeared crap
all over our walls?!
Oh jesus, it smells, ohh!
You really did
a nice job, eric.
Yup, i gotta admit
you came through.
Thank you.
I thought the "hangover black"
went really nice in the lobby.
Well, here, eric,
I cooked you a huge box
of cookies as a present.
Thanks!
But you know, all this talk
about future selves
Has made me think maybe i should
take better care of myself.
I mean, maybe i should think
about who i'm gonna become.
Atta boy, eric, you made
the right choice!
Who the hell are you?
Ha ha!
It's me, cartman!
You from the future!
I came back
to tell you
That this is the day
you turn it all around!
You stop eating junk food,
you start studying harder,
You stay away from
drugs and alcohol
And you become c.E.O. Of your
own time travel company!
Oh wow, really?
That's so awesome!
Now i'll really work
to be successful!
Right on!
Go have sex with
yourself, asshole!
I'm not that stupid!
Just for that i gonna spend
my whole childhood
Eating what i want and
doing drugs when i want!
Whatevah,
i do what i want!
No, wait!
Aw, god dammit!