Oh, hello there, kids!
Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop.
We're the kids whose names you
called on your commercial last night.
We're here to do the shopping spree!
Oh that's great!
You bet your fat clown ass it is!
Okay! Well I'll just
need your ticket stub.
...ticket stub?
Well you know. When you entered the contest you got the other half of this ticket.
Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub??
It was such a long time ago!
Wu-we don't "really" need
the ticket stub, do we?
Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high??
How else do I know you're the winners?
Because our names were called
on the commercial last night!
Sh-orry boys. No ticket
stub, no candy shopping spree.
If you find it, you can come back, but
you only have one week to claim the prize.
That's called "The Ticking
Clock." Works great in the movies.
GODDAMNIT!!!
We're gotta find that ticket!
Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c
- I can't remember.
You guys we've got to focus!
We've got to focus, and remember.
All right. There you go.
Hold on to that ticket stub.
You'll need it to claim your prize. Shign
up for the five-minute shopping spree!!
You hold on to this,
Cartman. I might lose it.
Nah, I'll lose it for sure.
You keep track of it, Kyle.
Okay.
N-no, ah I don't want
that much responsibility.
Here, you hold on to it, Kenny.
(Okay.)
Kenny!!!
Yes?
Where's Kenny??
Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last
December. Don't you remember?
We know he's dead. We
mean, where is his body??
His body? Well, why??
Because he has the
God-damned ticket for the-!
Uh, look. We just really
miss our friend and,
ah, andand we need to see
his remains for closure.
Yeah. Closure.
What the fuck is closure?!
Oh all right boys. Come on in.
We haven't seen you boys for so long,
we thought you'd forgotten all about him.
Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny.
You turned him into a teapot?
No. That's an urn,
boys. Kenny's inside it.
Your friends are here to see you, Kenny.
They miss you an awful lot, like we all do.
Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih,
it means a lot to us. Aw now, honey.
Did you get it?
Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards.
There's not gonna be any robot
guards, retard! Just get Kenny!
Alright, we made it!
Kenny'd better have the
ticket stub with him in there!
Let him out, Cartman!
...Kenny? Kenny?!
-Is he in there?
-I can't see.
What the hell is this?!
Chocolate milk mix?!
I knew Kenny couldn't
fit in that tea pot!
It wa a trick!
God-damnit! This isn't even
GOOD chocolate milk mix!
Kenny's parents must be
laughing pretty hard about now!
We're dumb enough to believe
Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
Why would they play
such a cruel joke on us?
Egh, because they're poor, Kyle!
Poor people don't have anything better
to do than piss other people off!
Don't you watch Springer?!
We just have to face it.
We're not gonna get Kenny back
and we're not goona have our
shopping spree. It's over!
God-damnit! There has to be a way!
Hmm, not bad.
Hurry up, Kenny! You're
gonna be late for school!
I don't think that chocolate
milk mix agreed with my stomach.
Cartman, come on!
What what? Jesus, you buttholes!
It's six in the morning!
Kyle figured out a way to get our
winning ticket stub back from Kenny!
How?
A ladder to heaven.
We build it, climb up, and get our winning
ticket back from that asshole Kenny.
Hey, if you boys are building a
clubhouse you should start with the floor.
We're not building a clubhouse,
we're building a ladder to heaven.
A ladder to heaven? Why, son?
Because we wanna see Kenny again.
Oh... oh, that's so sweet.
That's the ...s-s-saddest
thing I've ever heard.
Hey Randy, can I borrow your
uh... What the hell are they doing?
The boys wanna see their dead friend
Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're...
building a ladder to heaven.
Kyle, I think you've
bothered the Marshes enough.
No, it's... alright,
Sheila. The boys were just...
building a ladder to heaven
to see their old friend, Kenny.
A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God.
Oh, that's so touching.
Tom, I'm standing in South Park,
Colorado, where last December,
eight-year-old Kenny McCormick
died of a terminal illness.
But now, that little boy's three
closest friends miss their friend so much
that they are building a
ladder to heaven, in order to-
a ladder to heaven in order
to try to see him again.
It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom.
Here's what some people had to say.
Well, our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and...
and that he thought it would work...
if he... built the ladder to heaven.
They just believe in their
little hearts that it will work.
We can't tell them it
won't, we just can't!
It shows how beautiful the
innocence of a child really is.
A ladder to heaven?
That's fuckin' stupid.
These boys symbolize how
we all feel about loss.
Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
Tom, people from all over the
- Sorry.
People from all over the country
are coming to see the ladder,
feeling a connection to
its symbolism, and beauty.
Even country singer
Alan Jackson has shown up
with a song he has
written about the ladder.
Alan Jackson is, of course,
the man who wrote the song,
"Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning," about the tragedies on September 11.
And now he's here once again to capitalize
on people's emotions. Let's listen in.
<i>Where were you when they
built the ladder to heaven?
<i>Did it make you feel like cryin',
or did you think it was kind of gay?
What a beautiful song.
<i>Well I, for one, believe
in the ladder to heaven.
<i>Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11
<i>I said 9-11, 9-11,
9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___
<i>Eleven.
Thank you! I have a new CD out with
all my 9-11 songs for sale right here!
Oh good! Cartman's
back from the junkyard.
I found this car seat
in Mr. Garrison's car.
Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
...No.
Hurry up, Kenny! You're
gonna be late for school!
Kenny, do you by any chance know
what happened to my Playboys?
Kenny?! Answer me!!
Cartman? Cartman?!
Wha-uh, what?? What?
Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!
I don't know. It's like my
brain just keeps... jacking off.
Maybe you got brain cancer.
Do you think?
Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman!
You're gonna fall off and break it!
The nation is rallying behind
three sweet boys in Colorado
who are building a ladder to
heaven to be with their dead friend.
It's making Americans start
to believe in heaven, again.
Well when I see how this ladder
has brought people together,
how... how it has changed America,
I mean, how can I not believe?
Ha do YOU actually believe
in the ladder to heaven?
If... heaven is an eight-year-old
boy, and the ladder is my penis...
and the pearly gates are the-
Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont
- wait.
Wait. Wait a minute.
We are getting reports now that Ja-pan is building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's's.
Let's go live to SNN correspondent
Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa.
This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi
reporting rive from Tokyo,
where Japan has started buirding
its own radder to hayben.
Ahready, the Japanese radder
extend faaar into space
and it's growing by a-one
thousand miles every day.
As the endeavor continues
it is becoing clear
that Japan will reach a-hayben
before the United States.
<i>Nahurabo Nahurabo
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Uh, we ran out of stuff.
We ran out of stuff to
build theh ladder with.
Oh no!
Oh Jesus, no!
<i>Where were you when they ran out of
stuff to build the ladder to heaven?
We can keep going, but we need to
start tearing down houses for wood.
No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe
this has gone on far enough.
Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth,
that they aren't really going to get to heaven.
Wait! Look!
We've come to help you
beat those Japs, boys!
There won't be anyone stopping this
great ladder from being built today!
Alpha Team! Get that
support structure up!
Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and recon!
Yes sir!
<i>Where were you when they
saved that ladder to heaven?
Man, I can't believe how much people
want us to get our winning ticket back.
Candy-shopping sprees have
that effect on people, Kyle.
Do you see anything?
No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??
Grandma??
Aw, don't tell me we haven't
even reached the cloud city yet!
No cloud city, not even a giant.
Heaven must still be a long way off.
Alright, look. I didn't
wanna have to say this,
but I think maybe we're
not seeing heaven because
one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Huh?
Heaven could be like the pixie
faeries of Bubble Yum Forest.
You only see them if you
really believe in them.
What??
You know, maybe we're not seeing
heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
What does me being a Jew
have to do with anything?!
Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
Yes we do! Just not
the Christian heaven!
Right. Your idea of heaven is
getting five dollars off your matzah
ball soup at Barney's Beanery
by lying about a hair in it.
-Hey Kenny.
-Hey Kenny.
(Hey you guys. What's goin' on, man?)
<i>In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He was
born where hungry children cry, kickin',
<i>his whole family resides
in the ghetto, in the ghetto
(Shut up, Cartman, you
blood-belching vagina!)
What did you say?!
(I said, Shut up, Cartman,
you blood-belching vagina!)
What did you say?!
I said "Shut up, Cartman,
you blood-belching vagina!"
Did I just call myself
a blood-belching vagina?
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??
I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm
Kenny. Seeing memories through his eyes.
You're too fat to be Kenny.
You're a
- stupid Jew.
Let's just keep building. We only have
five more days until the shopping spree.
Alright, how's the ladder going,
General? Are we beating the Japanese.
Not quite, but we have a
new problem, Mr. President.
Our recon team on the ladder just
found new evidence of threats...
from Saddam Hussein.
Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him!
We secretly took him out months ago!
Yes sir. And now we believe he's building
weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.
Dear Christ, that
sonofabitch just doesn't stop!
These surveillance photos were taken atop
the ladder of what appears to be heaven.
Here we see what we believe
to be a missile silo.
And here we see what looks like a laboratory
of some sort for making chemical weapons.
That... kinda looks like a seagull.
Yes. It could be a laboratory
disguised as a seagull.
That tricky bastard!
Sir, you must understand our fears.
We must take out those facilities.
We must... bomb heaven!
SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it?
The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam has to be dealt with,
while 49% are wimpy
tree-hugging pussies.
War is not my voice!
This country is just run by rednecks
and bumpkins with their guns!
We have to take Saddam
out to protect ourselves.
I, for one, believe that if Saddam
Hussein were an eight-year-old boy,
and my penis were the United
States... then there would-
hard nipples!
God-damnit!
Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to
build a ladder to heaven and caption the nation's hearts.
They've made a nation believe
heaven might be up there.
And it could prove to be
a threat to our country.
President Bush will seek UN
approval for military action.
Boys, it's really neat that you want
to see your old pal Kenny so much but...
But it's time for you to get back
to school and on with your lives.
No, we have to see Kenny!
You have to understand that Kenny's body
isn't up in the clouds. He was cremated.
Cremated? What's that?
When you die, your body
is put into a broiling oven
and cooked until you're
nothing but ashes.
What?? For God's sake, why??
Kyle, it's just what some people do.
Are you gonna burn me?
Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
Jesus Christ!
The person's ashes are put into an
urn, and that's where Kenny's body is.
You see boys, Kenny is in here. What
the??? Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!
Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate
milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
You WHAT??
Dude, don't you know what
this means? You drank Kenny!
Shut up!
You did, dude! You drank his whole body!
Shut up!
Oh my God! This is
awful! And disgusting!
Bad, Eric, bad!
That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's
memories all the time. His soul is inside me.
Well, so much for our winning ticket.
Cartman probably drank
that with the rest of Kenny!
Yeah. Good job, fatass!
I can't live like this.
I, I have to find a place where they
remove living souls from your body.
Looks like I've come to the right place.
Can I help you?
Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside
of me that needs to be sucked out, please.
You'll have to make an appointment; the
charge is two hundred and thirty dollars.
Two hundred and thirty dollars??
I just want you to vacuum him out of
me and not put him up in a condominium!
It's gonna be okay, babe.
Listen, lady! You've got
to get this crap out of me!
I don't want him in me anymore!
Just suck him up and throw him out!
Oh Steven, I can't go through
with this! I have to keep it!
Damnit! Damnit! Thanks a lot, kid!
Kenny! Kenny!
Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is
giving away a shopping spree!
We're all gonna pitch in on an entry!
There you go. Hold on
to that ticket stub.
You hold on to this,
Cartman. I might lose it.
Nah, I'll lose it for sure.
You keep track of it, Kyle.
Okay. N-no, ah I don't want
that much responsibility.
Here, you hold on to it, Kenny.
(Okay.)
You'd better not lose that ticket,
Kenny, or else I'll kick you in the nuts!
The nuts! The nuts!
The ticket! Kenny didn't
have it on him when he died!
He put it away somewhere! Don't you see?
I can still have my
candy shopping spree!
Oh my God! You guys! YOU GUYS!!
Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we
have evidence that Saddam Hussein
is up there building
weapons of mass destruction.
We have tried to communicate
with Saddam through a psychic
to ask him to let us see
his warehouses in heaven.
But he has not responded.
Of course he has not
responded, because he's DEAD!
Right. Dead, and in heaven.
This is preposterous!
Even if there was a heaven,
what makes you think Saddam
Hussein's soul would be sent there?
Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell.
But while in hell he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness.
Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him about August.
When Saddam became jealous and tried
to kill Satan's new lover, Chris,
Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to
live with Mormons as a punishment.
Question?
Yes?
Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
I assure you, I am not high.
You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket!
What do you mean, fatass?
I just had another
vision, you buttholes.
Kenny didn't keep the ticket with
him, he put it away somewhere.
Where??
I don't know. I got conked in the
head down at the abortion clinic
and I clearly saw Kenny putting
the ticket in a little red box.
I just have to wait for another vision
to come. I could clearly see through Ken-
Do you see anything?
Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW!
Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta
spark the vision somehow.
Not by giving me brain damage!
Do you want a candy
shopping spree or not?!
Alright, go ahead. AY!... no. AY!...
Randy! Gerald! We, we
were wrong about heaven!
The Japanese just reached
it with their ladder!
What?
See for yourself!
This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi
reporting rive from hayben.
The great a-nation of
Japan reached a-hayben today
about eight o'crock
Pacific Standard Time-eh.
Therefore hayben is now a-decrared
an official part of Japan,
because we got a-here first.
And now for the weather in
heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu.
Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy.
That's the news from heben.
Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!!
Oh God, and we told our boys
they'd never reach heaven.
Kids!
Good. As soon as the boys finish their
ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
Do you really think this
is a good idea, Randy?
If Saddam is building weapons, we
have to stop him. With our weapons.
Excuse me everyone, we're not working on
the ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done.
Dude.
Not working on the ladder? But the
Japanese won't let us use theirs.
Kenny didn't have the ticket
stub. It was in his room.
So we got all our candy,
and you can all go home.
Wait, are you saying that
you boys only wanted to
build a ladder to heaven so
you could get some candy??
...I've never heard the words "only"
and "candy" in the same sentence before.
But... what about yoru lost friend?
What about your fragile innocence and
believing we could all get to heaven?
Yeah, well people make us kids
believe that heaven is this
white place with fluffy
clouds and angels...
Yeah, but now we think maybe
heaven isn't a place you can get to,
maybe heaven is just an idea.
A frame of mind or, or
something gay like that.
Maybe heaven... is
this moment, right now.
So, you're saying we should bomb this
moment, right now. Right! Johnson!
Sir!
No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody.
These boys are right. The only heaven we
can hope for is one here on earth, now.
We should stop waiting to get into
heaven and start trying to... create it.
And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam
could actually be up there buildin' bombs.
<i>Where were you when they decided
heaven was a more intangible
<i>idea 'n you couldn't, you
couldn't really get there?
You little bastards
ruined my latest song!
Well, I'm sure glad this is all
over with. Let's go count our candy.
Yeah. But what about Kenny. His
soul is still in Cartman's body.
No no, I just drank his memories.
I'm not sharing my body
with that poor piece of crap.
Stop calling me poor, you fat dick!
...Oh Jesus Christ.
Whoa. Kenny, you in there?
Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God!
Dude, come back here!
Stop him, Kenny!
Keep those nitrogen capsules
over there by the warheads! Right.
Chop-chop. Come on!
Saddam. I've been hearing rumors
that you're secretly building
weapons of mass destruction up here.
Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo!
This is a chocolate chip factory. See?
It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
Look, God, if I was gonna secretly
build a chemical weapons plant,
I wouldn't make it look like a
chemical weapons plant, would I?
I'd make it look like a chocolate
chip factory or something.
...Alright, just checking.
Stupid asshole!
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