South Park S02E03 Chickenlover

Ok children each of you gets to choose
2 books from the booktastick bus.
- Reading sucks ass!
- Eric, shut up!
Boring, boring...
- Gay, boring, boring.
- Hey guys, check out these books.
- Sabrina unchained.
- Wow these books look cool!
Hey there's a lot of big
words in these books.
There's a lot of hot
vaginas and penises.
- Hello kids! I see you're discovering
the magic of reading. - Who are you?
I drive the Booktastic Bus
where magic begins.
You see reading opens up
whole new worlds to you.
You can take a canoe down the Amazon
or go back in time to Camelot
or become a race car driver all by just opening
a book. Just like magic, the magic of reading.
God, shut up dude.
Go ahead an pick any books you like.
Then get in, get into the magic!
- If we read are we gonna become like that guy?
- Yeah this is stupid. Books aren't magical.
I don't know I'm kind of getting
a tangly feeling looking at these.
- Hey what's that?
- I don't know let's go see.
Well being an officer of the
peace means a lot of things.
It's a hard job, but then
again I'm a hard man.
A lot of people think that in a small town
there isn't a lot for the law to do.
Well, they're wrong.
All units, all units, report to
Avenue 254 De Los Mexicanos
Possible hostile situation.
There you see, this could be a bank
robery or possibly even a murder.
This ain't no podunk little town.
And Barbrady, your wife called, she wants
you to get some pizza on the way home.
God damn it!
Ok people, move along,
there's nothing to see here.
- What's the trouble,
where's the body?
Barbrady, I just caught some guy in
here having sex with one of my chickens.
- My god that's disgusting! - Whoa dude.
Who'd have sex with a chicken?
Uh boys you move along,
this isn't for young eyes to see.
- Did you get a good
look at the suspect?
Naw, I didn't see anything.
It just happened so fast.
Well, uh. This is quite
interesting, huh guys?
Uh, we're gonna go grab some lunch
and maybe get some shots of those
turtles down at the pond.
- Aww, camel poo.
- Hey what's this?
- It looks like a note.
- Give me that!
- That's a clue and you'll get your stinky
DNA all over it. - What does it say?
"Sorry I had sex with the chicken.
I won't do it again, bye-bye."
- Well there you have it, case closed. - Damn
it Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you?
Everytime something happens in this town
you say 'Nothing to see here' and 'Case closed'.
But we want justice!
We have to find this sicko.
I said return to your homes,
before I start arresting people.
For what? Orderly conduct?
- How about fishing without a license?
- I'm not fishin'!
What do you call this then?
If you do not comply I'll be forced to
execute each and everyone of you
by gun shots in the head.
That's right return to your simple lives.
Just forget this ever happened.
Forget, forget.
- Wow, Barbrady sure is acting weird.
- Yeah, I wonder what's wrong?
Welcome to Fran's,
can I help you?
- Sir, can I help you? - Uh, just give me 2
cheeseburgers and some jalepeno poppers.
- Sir there is just one problem.
- What's that?
We're a bank.
I know that smarty-pants! What
do you think I'm some kind of idiot??
Yes.
I can't go on living this life.
With chicken after chicken being violated the
South Park police are under increasing presure
to solve the case
of the chicken fucker.
We now go live to
a press conference
where Offier Barbrady and the
mayor are fielding questions.
Officer Barbrady what would drive
a man to such a disgusting act?
Well nobody can say for sure,
no motive has yet been established.
- Do the police have any leads?
- Well most 3D computer modeling
and attempted sizemology have
not given us any leads as of yet.
- But has chicken fucker left any clues at
the crime... - Alright! Alright! I can't read!!
There I said it. I can't read!
Are you happy now?
You pushed and you pushed and
now you all know my terrible secret.
I'm illegitemate. I'm not fit
to be a policeman. I retire!
Ok, thank you all for coming there's
ah coffee and brownies out front.
And so Officer Barbrady is
taken a leave of abcense,
and South Park will have to manage
without any police force for a while.
This just in! South Park has
plunged into total anarchy.
Exactly 2 seconds after the
retirement of Officer Barbrady
looting and pillaging erupted
in the quiet mountain town.
- Whoopee! This is killer! - With no cops
around, we can do whatever we want!
- Whoa dude. What's going on?
- I don't know.
Oh my god! They've killed...
Oh, nevermind.
I don't believe it. All this time Barbrady
actually did keep this town peaceful.
- Who knew? I always thought
he was a complete idiot. - He is.
- What do you plan to do about the South
Park riots? - No reason for concern.
I want to assure all of you that Officer
Barbrady is still are active police enforcer.
- VBut he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?
- Ahh.. plan? I don't actually...
Reading classes.
Plain and simple.
By the mayor's order Officer Barbrady is on
temporary leave of absense to learn to read.
Effective immidiately.
Yes that's right. It's back to
school with Officer Barbrady!
Now children we have a new student joining
us today. Please say hi to Officer Barbrady.
- I can't see dude!
Ok now since our focus has been on
readin let's review some of the basics.
- Yes what is it?
- I need to go poopies.
Officer Barbrady in school we go to
the bathroom before and after class.
Oh Christ, how
do you kids do it?
Now does anyone have any suggestions where
we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
- How about a brain transplant? - Now Kyle
let's be supportive of our new student.
Give him the nourturing environment
he needs to thrive.
Now I'm going to write a sentence and I
want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
Give it a shot Officer Barbrady.
BZZZT! Wrong!
Try again dumbass!
Ok, ok, maybe we should try
something a little easier.
We can work our way
up to the hard ones.
Go ahead Barbrady,
don't be scared.
- BZZT! DERRR! Did you hear that Mr.Hat?
- I sure did Mr.Garrison! What a retard!
- Did you kids actually learn how to read this
way? - No, we just fake it to shut him up.
Ok, ok, alright,
I'm sorry, let's try again.
Say, what are nice chickens like
you doing in a coop like this?
Now children I hope you all had
a good time reading your books
and are prepared for
your book reports.
Who should we have go
first Mr. Hat? Let's see.
- Oh how about Stan or Kyle?
- Eric why don't you go first?
- What's the matter Eric, you no
prepared again? - I'm prepared!
For my book report I read...
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.
It was, very, very good.
Have you read it Mr. Garrison?
- No, I can't say that I have.
- Oh good.
I the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe a
bunch of uh, hippies walk around and paint stuff.
They eat lunch and then
they find a magical....
camel which they have to eat to stay alive.
And that's pretty much it, I give it a B minus.
- And I give you an F Eric,
now sit down. - God damnit!!
Ok Officer Barbrady, why don't
you give us your book report.
I've just finished reading the
heartwarming novel "Go Dog, Go!"
I found it a compelling and disturbing
look the canine psychie.
If I may read a passage:
Big dog...
little dog...
A red dog, on a...
Well anyway, I don't wanna
give away the ending,
but I will say that it spirals toward an
incredible twist turn that parallels my own life.
Thank you Officer Barbrady, that was a very
good book report indeed. I'll give you an A.
- Hooray!
- Goody-two-shoes!
Swingset, swingset,
up and down I go.
Whoosh goes the willie-wind,
flowing through my toes.
- Dude, I think Officer Barbrady enjoys
being in school too much.
Yeah, isn't he just supposed to
be learning how to read?
Swingset, swingset
up and down I go!
Officer Barbrady!
What are you doing?
Oh my god! They killed...
- Oh nevermind. - Well how's
the reading coming along?
- Uh, pretty good. - Barbrady,
we really need you to speed this up!
- The chicken fucker struck
again last night! - Oh no!
Oh mayor, please, when we're around
children we prefer to call him the chicken lover.
This time he made love to Karla Weather's
pride chicken. She's catatonick.
- Who, Karla Weathers, or the chicken? - The
perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
Oh I can't read this,
it has silent E's.
- You have to learn to
read faster Barbrady!
- I'm doing the best I can!
I even got a A on my book report!
Listen buddy! Either you
learn to read quick
or else I'm gonna find a law officer
to replace you forever!
- Hey what'd you do that for?
- Ahh, just dramatic effect, sorry.
Oh boy, I'm in big trouble. I'll never learn to
read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.
- It's cool dude, we'll help you.
- Hey that's right, you can help me.
Under article 39
section 2 of police code,
I'm allowed to deputize
citizens in a time of chrisis.
- Really? I wann be a cop!
- You boys will be my deputies.
You can help me restore order,
catch the chicken lover
and swing me on the swingset.
- Do I get a nightstick?
- Sure, nightsticks for everybody!
You keep a tab on crime in the city. And
we'll try to solve the chickenlover case.
10-4 sergent!
Now what did that clue say again?
If you want to know where I'll strike next, read
bumbly wumbly and the spotted spacecraft.
To the booktastic bus deputies!
We haven't a moment to spare.
Good day friends! Welcome to
the magical world of reading.
We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and
the Spotted Space Craft right away!
Ooh! That's a very magical book,
full of wonders...
Ah just give us the
damn book, fruitcake!
- What's it say?
- It says...
- What's this word?
- I.
Oh yeah, I... mmmaa... mma.
Here give me that!
I am bumbly wumbly.
I live in the pond.
- The pond. Hey maybe
that means Stark's Pond.
That's quick thinking deputy. Let's
get to Stark's Pond Immidiately.
- Yes, officer? -  I caught you at
40 miles an hour back there.
- Do you know what
speed limit it hea?
Well according to that sign right
there it's 40 miles and hour.
- Step out of the car please, sir. - Wait
a second, aren't you Stan's little friend?
Sir, step out of the car, please.
Yeah, you're the one that always
plugs up the toilet in our house.
Ay! I am a cop and you will
respect my authoritay.
Yeah right. You better get
back to school little boy.
Get your ass to jail!
Hey what the hell are you doing?
You can't do that?
- Aww, weak dude. We're too late. - Well,
the chickens don't seem to really mind.
Well this is terrible. Now who
would have sex with a chicken?
I would!
Oh you couldn't screw anything
Halfy, you don't have any legs!
Have some respect for people's
feelings would you Halfy?
Come one dudes, we need
to look for another clue.
- Here, here, I found one!
- What's it say, what's it say?
- It says, read Teetle the timid ta...ta..
the taxi.. what's this word? - I don't know.
Ta..ta...tad...taxidermist.
I read it!
I read it all by myself!
Well I've been working this
beat for about 3 days now.
You definitly have to have pretty thick
skin or else people just walk all over you.
Sometimes you have to go undercover
to get the worst of them.
- Hi there little lady.
- What, what are you doing tonight?
Well hopefully spending some time
with you gorgeous. Is $20 enough?
- Sir? Step out of the car, please.
- What? Uh-oh, is this a bust?
Sir? Step out of the car.
- Hey wait a minute, you're just a kid. - Maybe
this will teach you to listen to authoritay.
OW! OOOWW! Hey man
what are you doing?
Ow! Stop it!
Well sometimes upholding the
law is not easy, but you get there
one day at a time.
I got a TV. C'mon!
Teetle, the timid taxidermist,
loves to...
Oh god damn reading is lame!
- How's it going dude?
- Terrible! I give up.
- I'm not fit to be a cop.
- Come on dude, it's not that hard.
- It is too!
- Just read the sentence.
Teetle the timid taxidermist
loves to go to the pet, pet...
- Come on dumbass! You can do it!
- Pet... wait a minute.
Conjugate the verb.
Conjugate the verb.
Yes, conjugate the verb.
Petting... petting zoo!
He loves to go to
the petting zoo!!
Boys, we're off!
All units, all units: 5-12 at 635 Avenue De
Los Mexicanos 635. Request assistance.
- Sir, could you step out of the
car please? - We're fine, officer.
- And, who's, who's in here with you?
- Just me and my wife and my brother.
And my wife's cousin, and his son, and
my brother's girlfriend and our two kids.
Hey Cartman.
And my brother's girldfriend's mother,
and this guy Bob who I met last year.
Poor people tend
to live in clusters.
- What? What did you say? - Nothing.
Now sir is there some kind of...
I want him out of my house! He ain't
workin' shit! He can't even hold a fuckin' job!
Shut up bitch!
Ok, ok let's try to watch the language
there's children present hea.
You lazy ass mother fucker!
- Look what she did to my fuckin'
eye! - I'll do it again!
Come on mom, beat him up!
Mom hit dad again!
Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance
calls like this one is to calm everybody down.
RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY!!
Come on Cartman beat 'em up!
All units, all units!
We have a 520 on the suspect.
Report to the South Park
petting zoo imidiately.
Chicken lover.
Keep your eyes peeled boys. Somebody's
gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
- Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
- Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
Oh no!
Keep your eyes peeled.
Look!
- He's here!
- Grab him!
Uh, can't this
thing go any faster??
Uh! Oh my god!
They've killed...
Oh, it didn't even touch me.
- God damn it! - I knew it was
you all along Richard Nixon!
I think that's a mask dude.
Whoa dude! It's the
bookmobile driver!
- Caught you red-handed! - Indeed you did!
How did you know I would strike here?
- By reading Teetle the
Timid Taxidermist.
You did? Really? Then it worked. My
whole plan worked absolutely perfectly!
- What are you talking about, dude? - When
I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read,
I knew I had to
motivate him somehow.
So I formulated a plan to encourage
him to learn the magic of reading.
-So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
- Yes! Yes exactly! Don't you see?
Only by fucking chickens could I get
Officer Barbrady to become literate.
- That doesn't make a whole lot of sence,
dude. - Oh no? He who is blind cannot see.
I got Officer Barbrady to read,
my plan worked perfectly.
Well I guess I should say, thanks?
You're welcome!
And now my reading friend you've proven
that you are ready for the big time.
I give you this hardback copy of
Atlas Shrugged by Ann Ryand.
- Freeze put your hands in the air!
- Cartman!
I got the reports that the
suspect is in this area.
Well, he is.
It turns out that the bookmobile driver
here was the one making love to chickens.
- Ow! That hurts!
- Whoa dude!   - Cartman!
No, no, that's not how
you uphold the law.
But he is not listening
to my authoritay!
Oh, oh you've got it all wrong my
little friend. You do it like this:
You gotta get 'em in the head.
They go down quicker.
I guess you should leave policework
to the professionals, huh Cartman?
Well anyway, I'm relieving
you of your duties.
I've proved that I can read
and now I'm back on the job!
Hey! So what are
you gonna do now?
Now? Well, I uh...
...I think I'll get in the bathtub and
then curl up with a good book.
In today's news, South Park has a
parade to honor Officer Barbrady...
...and his heroic work on
the chicken fucking case.
Thank you everybody.
Thank you!
Speech! Speech!
- What?  - They want you to
give a speech, Officer Barbrady.
About the whole experiece over
the last couple of days.
Oh ok. Well first of all I'd like to
thank the town of South Park,
the town that borne me, and eventually
will rob me of my life precious.
Second, I'd like to say to all those out there
who think they can screw chickens
just to teach people to read:
Your days are numbered!!
And finally, I'd like to say that
reading totally sucks ass!
Yes at first I was happy to be learning how
to read, it seemed exciting and magical.
But then I read this. Atlas
Shrugged by Ann Ryand.
I read every last
word of this garbage
and because of this piece of shit,
I'm never reading again!
Hooray for Barbrady!
- Wow, I guess reading
really does suck ass.
Hey, that's what I've been
saying all along you guys.
I'm just glad everything turned out OK.
And Barbrady got his job back.
- It's poetic justice.
- Thanks boys!