South Park S06E05 Fun With Veal

Okay children, step off the bus and
form a group next to the nice redneck
I mean, rancher.
Hello, boys and girls.
My name is Rancher Bob.
Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
Hi, Rancher Bob.
I'm pleased to show you all the
wonderful world of beef. Follow me.
City kids get to go to museums
for field trips. We get cow farms.
Now, out here you can see our cattle.
This is where the magic begins as the cows
eat and sleep and prepare for certain death.
They look so delicious.
Now here we have the slaughterhouse.
This is where we turn the
cows into steaks and burgers.
Aw, dude.
Hey, anybody want a free sample?
Memememee!
And in here, boys and girls,
we have our... veal ranch.
You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise.
That way, their muscle tissue stays
soft, and makes for tender veal.
Wiat a minute. Veal
is... little baby cows??
Yeppir.
"Then why the hell do
they call it "veal"??"
Well, if we called it "little
baby cow" people might not eat it.
Yeah, I wouldn't have.
Huh, me neither.
Oh, man, look at that
one! It looks delicious
What??
Mm, succulent and juicy. Can we
have a free sample of these, too?
Well, no, but all these veals are goin'
to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'.
They'll be steaks by tommorow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store.
Alriiight!
Tomorrow morning? Dude,
we gotta help them.
Yeah.
Pst, Cartman.
No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Cartman, wake up!
What? What the hell are you guys doing??
Come on, we've gotta go!
Where are we going?
We're gonna go to save the
little baby cows, fatass!
What? Why?
Cause they're gonna get
slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!
So?
So we can't let 'em die, douchebag!
You're our friend; now come help us!
Well, lessee, in the last three point
two seconds you've called me "fatass,"
"butthole," and "douchebag. I really
don't feel like you guys's friend.
We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you
to help us because friends stick together.
Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou
said we needed him because he
has the "Mission Impossible
Breaking and Entering playset."
Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!
Oho! So you need me and my Mission
Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Yes we do. We're those little baby
cows' only hope. Will you help us?
Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle
will kiss my black ass.
What?!
Just give it a little
kiss and I'll help.
Screw you, Cartman!
Hokay, but if you want my help you have
to give it just a little kiss. Kiss it.
Go on, dude it's the only way.
No!
Kiss it. Come on. Kiss it.
Just do it really fast, and we can go.
Have Butters kiss it.
No, it has to be Kyle.
Oh man, that was soho awesome!
Sick! I felt it on my face!
Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!
Hell, I'm not goin' with you!
Oh I don't know about this, fellas.
It says right here on the Mission
Impossible Breaking and Entering playset:
Not for actual breaking and entereing.
B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime."
Yeah, well killing little helpless
baby cows should be a crime, too!
How does this thing work, Cartman?
Jesus, don't you guys have any toys?
First you put on the black ski mask and
use the torch to cut a hole in the roof.
Okay, that's far enough.
I'm going to go delta.
You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset.
I said that's far enough!
Don't be scared, little baby
cow. We're here to set you loose.
There you go. You're free. Run away!
Go! They're gonna murder you.
Stan, could you hurry it
up? I'm freezing my ass off.
You need to freeze some of your ass off.
O! At least I have as ass, Jew!
What?
Come on, you stupid baby cows!
You have to get out of here.
Huuh what's the matter?
They aren't leaving.
See? Maybe they want to
become sweet juicy veal steaks.
Hey. They've never been allowed to
walk before. They just don't know how.
Oh yeah, they're too weak to move.
Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here.
We'll just keep them at Butters' house
until they can get their strength back.
No no no no no! I can't bring cows
into my house. I'll get grounded.
Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a
team player! We'll bring them to my house.
Dude! How are we gonna move
twenty three calves to your house?
I dno't know.
I've got it. We could kill Butters, and
then float the calves on a river of blood.
Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters
doesn't hve that much blood in him!
Eh yeah I do too!
We're just gonna have to carry
them one by one. Come on, you guys.
Check it out, you
guys. I'm calf-curling.
Man, these calves smell like crap!
I don't see how you're gonna hide
them from your mom much longer.
We won't have to.
Butters said he has something in his
house that makes baby cows strong again.
He's bringing it over.
Butters has that at his house?
Hey fellas!
Butters! Did you bring it?
I sure did. We'll have those poor
baby cows in shape in no time!
All right!
"Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
What?
"Makes your calves stronger in just
- two days!"
Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?
Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne
promises right on the box that it works.
Hello, Mr. Marsh.
Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you?
Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch.
They stole some of his property.
Stole? A-a-are
you sure?
I followed a calf-curling path
right to your house, ma'am.
Ooo, Stan's in trouble.
Let me kick his ass, Mom.
Not now
- my son is not a thief.
I'm sure this is just some
kind of a misunderstanding.
Stanley, did you see
-?
Aw crap!
Stanley, what are you
doing with those calves?
That asshole is gonna kill
them and feed them to people!
Stanley, they belong to him.
They don't belong to anybody! Please
Mom, we don't want these calves to die.
Let me hit him, Mom!
Stanley, this isn't up for discussion.
The rancher is gonna take his cows
back and you don't have a choice!
Stanley! Stanley, you open this door
right now or you're gonna get it!
No!
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
You're the ones who made me eat
veal without telling me what it was!
You're the onew who know we were
making little baby animals suffer!
Open this door, now!
Kiss my ass!
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.
I apologize for this,
Mr. rancher person.
Oh, why, why don't you just tell
them that the cows will be safe.
And when they come out
I can take them back.
I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him
like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life.
Well that's just too bad.
Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday.
What are you goin' to
do, Officer Barbrady?
Me?? How did I get into this mess?
So what happens now?
I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing.
We're with you, dude.
Yeah.
Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell
you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly.
When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks.
So if any of you guys want
out, just say the word now.
I want out.
Shut up, Cartman.
We're with you, Stan.
Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let
those little baby cows down.
Why, they've got no one else to turn to.
Then it's settled. One for all
and all for one! Except Cartman.
Yeah!
Yeah! Wait-what?
And so that's the situation. Our boys
have locked themselves in Stan's room
until we can promosie them the
calves will live free, in writing.
Well, this is ridiculous! I don't
know how you raise your kids,
but my son does not
play negotiator with me!
We excuse me, Sheila,
but it wasn't that simple!
HA! Give me fifteen seconds with
Kyle and I'll have that door open!
Kyle?! This is your mother! You
will open this door right now!
...No I won't.
Yes, I see what you mean,
Sheila. That was very impressive.
Kyle, if you don't do as you're
told, I'm going to be very angry!
Well you made me eat veal and
didn't tell me what it was.
So go ahead and be angry,
you baby calf-killing bitch!
Very persuasive.
AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
Whoa-ho-ho,
let, let me try.
Butters? Butters, this is your father.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?
Be strong, Butters. You
knew it would come to this.
Butters? Answer me!
But they-ah they're angry at me.
Don't panic. I'll tell you what
to say. You can tell them...
Butters! Right now!
Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?
WHAT?!
Oh, sweet Jesus.
What's gotten into them?
Alright, Stanley, this has gone on
long enough! Your little game is over!
This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming
out until know the calves will be safe.
Well that's fine! You boys can just
stay in there and starve to death.
Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack
and have pepperoni pizza and ice cream.
Oh, God-damnit you guys.
Cartman, stay away from that door!
You'll have to come out
sooner or later, boys.
The longer you wait, the
more trouble you'll be in.
Round one is over. We made it.
We didn't make it! Your
mother's right, douchebag!
What are we gonna do?
Stand here until we starve?!
Our parents would never let
us starve. They're bluffing.
This is a battle of wills. If we
hold out long enough, they'll give in.
But we will have to sleep, dude.
Three of us can sleep while one keeps
watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
Hehey! This is gonna be just
like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie!
We'll stay in this room with these
baby cows for as long as it takes!
Well we tried everything.
We can't get through
the door without
tearing apart the house.
Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!
Oh, but my poor little poopsie
must be getting so hungry.
Maybe we should get them a little food.
Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills.
We need our boys to know that
we're not gonna cave in, at all.
Oh, all right.
Let's all just go to bed and let them play
their little game for as long as they can.
Good night, fellas!
Good night.
Good night, Patches. Good night,
Halloway. Good night, Nepture.
Good night, Davis. Good
night, Bud. Good night, Red.
Good night, Paulette.
Good night, Chastity.
Butters, I'm going to kill
you over and over again.
Can't go on. Need... food...
We didn't realize hunger
made you feel so bad.
There's only one alternative, you
guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf.
No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!
All right. Then we're
gonna have to eat Butters.
He might be right, dude.
Aw, heck.
Wait, what is that? Dude!
Food!
Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?
Oh, I just can't stand
to see my baby suffer
Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.
All right!
See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
Look you guys! Beef jerky!
Yeah! And fried chicken!
Wha?
Dude, what are you guys doing?
We're eating, dude.
You're eating meat! What the hell do
you guys think we're doing all this for?!
Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows.
I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether.
Me neither.
Yeah, if you don't eat meat
at all, you become a pussy.
That's fine! You guys can live off of
flesh, but I'm never eating meat again!
Go ahead, that's more for us.
You want some beef jerky, buddy?
Yes, who's the buddy? Who's
hungry? Who's the hungry man?
Dude, that's messed up.
You guys, check this out!
Tom, I'm standing in front of the
house where three insane boy terrorists
have barricaded themselves inside a room
with twenty-three live infant cattle.
Hey, look. Some other kids are
doin' the same thing we are. Eugh
Several attempts to break into the
room have proven unsuccessful, Tom,
and the crisis is intensifying.
Here's what some people have to say.
We were sleeping when suddenly
we heard all the commotion.
I mean, to think this could happen
right here in our own community.
We gave those kids everything, and
they turned into little... John Walkers!
The police chief of South Park says that
there will be no negotiations with terrorists.
Oh no. Eh this is big-time
trouble now, fellas.
No, this is exactly what we wanted.
It is?
Yeah, don't you see? This validates
everything that we're doing.
If we're making the news, then this
is obviously important to people.
Tom, it looks like I have an update:
Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist
story is not interesting news to anyone.
Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important,
but people are just
simply tuning out. So,
HBC will now be switching programming once again to "Puppoies from Around the World."
...I don't believe it.
Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's...
my favorite so far.
Butters? Buh-Butters! You
have your arm around me!
Oh, sorry. I thought
you were Mr. Pickles.
We must help the helpless,
we must save the unsaved
Huh, what the hell is that?
If we... fight together we can
make sure the road is paved.
For a... brighter tomorrow...
Hippies!
What are they doing here?
We're with you boys! Your message
is real and your voice is just.
Hooray! Hooray!
Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
Ew, they're all dirty.
What did I tell you, Stan!
We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!
Tom, the calf terrorist
standoff continues
as now members of the FBI arrive
to put an end to the conflict.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Who's in charge here?
I am. But I don't want to be.
Where's the negotiator?
Right here! Glen
Dumont, Negotiator Squad
All right, see what you can do.
Dude, are you okay?
Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know
what's wrong with me. I've got these sores.
What is that?
Dude, maybe we should end this.
No!
Give me a hard line to
the phone in that house!
The terrorists already said
there's no way they're coming out.
Don't worry, I'm a negotiator.
It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology.
Hello?
Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a
negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you?
Ah, hold on. It's some negotiator
named Mike. What do I do?
Don't give him anything!
Waht do I say??
Dah, give me that! Talk to me Mike.
I'm here to make sure we can all end
this peacefully. You want that, right?
Sure, sure.
How about we make a trade, just
show that we can trust each other.
What do you have in mind?
Well, how about you send
out one of the calves?
Oh, Mike, you're breakin'
my balls here, Mike.
Just one, that's all we want.
All right, how 'bout this?
You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... -
-Cartman, no!
-Dude!
We'll give you one calf, if you give
us... some guns and ammunition of our own.
What? I, I can't do that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
we were talkin' here,
but I guess you're not
talkin' to me. Goodbye.
No no wait, oh, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right.
What reason do you have to trust me?
I'm just a guy from Lakewood
trying to make ends meet, you know?
Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Don't have a dad, Mike.
That's not gonna work.
Oh. All right, fine, son of a
gun, let me see what I can do.
Okay. Up a little... left
a little... Almost there.
What is that?
We're giving the boys some
guns in return for our calves
What?
You're giving my baby guns?
Hey, this is a
negotiation process, okay?
Did you people go to negotiator
school? No, you didn't!
Get them on the line for me!
Hello.
Alright, you see that? I
keep my end of the bargain.
All right, we'll keep ours.
We'll send out one calf.
Well, ha
- how about you send out two calves?
Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just
no talking to you, is there, Mike?!
We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?!
Don't treat me like I'm stupid here!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Damnit, I'm losing them.
Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf.
Oh nonono, now you're gonna
have to get us something else!
What do you have in mind?
A little to the left... Okay,
that's good. A little to the right.
You're giving them a missile??
Stand down, ma'am! Stand down!
This is a delicate process!
I've almost earned their trust!
Stan's getting worse, you guys.
Mike, speak.
How are we doin'?
We got a real sick kid here, Mike.
Did you get the other things for us?
Weh ah I did manage to
get the FDA to officially
change the word "veal"
to "tortured baby cow."
Good, good.
But I couldn't get you
North and South Dakota.
Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.
Now, now please can, can
we get you to come out?
All right, everythng has worked out.
The boys have promised to come out
and bring the cows out with them.
Yes! All right! Woohoo!
Whoops, sorry I doubted your
abilities, Mr. Negotiator.
They're coming out now?
Yes. All we need to do in return is
get a cattle-transporting semi-truck
that will take the boys and the
cattle to Denver International Airport,
where we have a fully-gassed airplane
waiting to take them all to Mexico.
What??
And they want the guy that plays Mr.
Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck.
In full makeup.
Jesus Christ!
All right, that does it! You are in fact the
worst negotiator I've ever seen in action!
All right, all right, I'll give you
that. But in return, I want three staples.
Get out of here! We'll get them the
semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy.
If they see that, thay'll come
out and then, we could take them.
But isn't that dishonest?
Maybe so, but if we don't do
something soon, there could be fifty,
even sixty people who'll have
to go without veal for dinner.
Are you prepared to let that happen?
All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?
I was woken up at three in the mornng, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town.
What the hell is gong on?!
I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business.
We've got terrorists making
demands and we need your help.
This is highly unusual!
All right boys, we have your truck.
And we have an airplane on the
tarmac at Denver International.
And Worf?
My name is Michael Dorn. I
play a character called Worf.
Stan! It worked!
It... did?
They got us a truck, and an airplane, and
Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay!
Pick me up. I... I want to see.
Step back! Tell those men to step back!
Do it!
All right! Woohoo! Yeah!
Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies!
Alright, Mr. Worf, start the
engine and put her in gear.
Oh, amd you must refer
to me as "Captain."
Where am I supposed to drive to?
No. See, must say, "Captain,
where am I supposed to drive to?"
Captain, where am I
supposed to drive to?
You're going to back
the truck up to the door
of the house so we can
safely load in the calves.
This whole thing is ridiculous!
"Captain, this whole
thing is ridiculous!"
Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous.
Okay, all set!
Tom, it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi.
This is still very
uninteresting news, Tom.
Okay Cartman!
Step on it, Mr. Worf!
All right!
We're going!
Mexico here we come!
Wait a minute. They're following
us! Full speed, Mr. Worf!
We cannot keep going
fast on these icy roads!
"Captain, we cannot keep
going fast on these icy roads?"
Captain, we cannot keep
going fast on these icy roads.
Alright, Mr. Worf. Then
reduce speed to forty-five
and maintain distance
from those police cruisers.
Stan, we're almost there.
You've got to hold on.
Alright, they're in front
of the cattle ranch. Hit it!
Oh, it's a double-cross!!
Alright, boys! The game is over! Get
out of the truck with your hands up!
Oh no! No!!
What are you waiting
for? Go kill them, Worf!
I'm NOT killing anybody!
Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!
Alright boys, just stay right
there until your parents arrive.
Can I go now?
Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I
got your cattle back for you
Oh. Well, it doesn't matter now.
What you do mean?
"You see, in the six days since the
word "veal" was officially changed to
"little tortured baby cow"
the market has gone dry.
Seems that people see "little tortured baby cow" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'."
Really?
Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now.
I'll let 'em live outside with the
other cows and live a normal life.
Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've
shut down the veal industry! Stan? Stan??
He's very luck you got
him here when you did.
He was in a very advanced
state of vaginitis.
Vaginitis?
It occurs when a person
stops eating meat.
Those sores on his skin
were actually small vaginas.
If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
Whoa, dude.
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping
into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Thank God we stopped it in time.
Well, I guess we learned somethng today:
it's wrong to eat veal because the
animals are so horribly mistreated,
but if you don't eat meat at
all you break out in vaginas.
Hear hear.
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've
got some serious grounding time to start.
I'll say!
Aw, we're still grounded?
But, but we, we learned
things, and took up a cause.
Yes Kyle, but you still
defied your parents.
And you need to learn that
terrorism is never the answer.
That's right, let's get these
terrorists to their rooms.
But first, maybe we
can grab some burgers.
All right!