South Park S06E03 Asspen

Thanks for having us all over
for dinner, chris and linda.
Yes, it was fabulous.
Oh, we're just really
happy that your boys
Have become such good friends
with our little butters.
Yeah, we figured that if our
boys are gonna be great friends
We should all get to
be friends too.
Friends by default.
Well, our boys do seem
to be spending
A lot of time
together lately.
I think ever since
their friend kenny died
They've been looking for
someone to fill the void.
Well, our son is
a perfect void-Filler.
It's nice that he
finally has your sons
To be his best buddies.
Look, you guys,
butters is asleep.
He's such a douche bag.
Hey, you guys
ever seen this trick?
When someone's sleeping you can
take a glass of warm water.
And you put
their hand in it.
Yeah, and then what?
And then you
pee on 'em.
Heh-Heh, heh-Heh.
No, dude, you're supposed to
put their hand in warm water
<i>And it makes them pee.
Oh, really?
Oh, well.
And we were thinking
Since they've all become
such close friends
How great it would be for us
to all go together
To aspen for a ski weekend.
Aspen? We can't
really afford that.
No, you see, linda
and i found this ad
Where you can get two nights
free in a condo in aspen
If you attend a
time-Share presentation.
They let you
stay for free?
Yes, and all
we have to do
Is attend a
30-Minute meeting.
Sounds good to me,
let's go this weekend.
Oh boy, skiing in aspen,
i can't wait.
Hey, boys, we're all going
to aspen for the weekend.
All right!
All right!
Wow, a ski trip with
my new best buddies!
Oh, i'm all sticky.
Here we are everyone.
Oh, this is gonna
be so much fun.
I haven't skied
in years.
Where are
butters and eric?
They're still asleep.
Butters, eric, come on,
we gotta get to the powder.
Hello, folks, i'm phil
and this is josh.
We're with the aspen
time-Share company.
Hello.
Hello.
You folks
enjoying the condo?
It's lovely,
thank you.
You guys, you guys.
You're not gonna believe this,
this is so funny.
What?
So last night while
butters was asleep
I gave him a "hitler".
What's a hitler?
You know, when
somebody's sleeping
You put your finger
up your butt
And then wipe it on
their upper lip
To give them a little
hitler mustache.
You've never
hitler'd anyone?
No, i never have.
Shh shh,
here he comes.
Good morning,
fellas!
All set to go skiing?
What's so funny?
Nothing, butters.
Right, guys?
Well, we can't
wait to show you
What aspen time-Share
is offering investors.
Shall we do our
30-Minute meeting?
Oh, do we have to
do it right now?
Well, best to do it and
get it out of the way.
Okay.
Boys, we have to
go to this
Time-Share presentation
real quick,
But you go meet your ski
instructor on the bunny hill.
Okay.
Okay.
We'll meet you boys
on the slopes.
Hey, do you guys
smell that?
Smell what?
It kind of smells
stinky in this condo.
I don't smell anything,
do you, guys?
You guys smell that?
It smells bad
out here too.
I'm starting to think this whole
town smells like doo-Doo.
Yeah, well, you see, that's
why they call it ass-Pen.
All right,little dudes,
great to see you out here.
My name is thumper,
And i'm gonna be your
cool ski instructor.
His name is
thumper?
We're gonna take it slow,
take it easy,
Make sure everybody
has a good time.
'Cause what is
skiing about?
Having a good...?
Time, that's right.
Now just a few safety things
to keep in mind.
First of all, look straight
ahead when you ski.
If you look down
you're gonna fall.
You're gonna have
a bad time.
Also, be aware of
skiers around you.
If you run into another skier
your skis are gonna cross-
Gonna have a bad time.
So where's the part where
we have a good time?
Hey, little dude, you got
some crap right here.
That's my face, sir.
Okay, we're gonna do this
without any poles
Until we know our two
primary feet positions.
To go slow, we wedge
our skis together
In the shape of
a slice of pizza.
Then to go faster,
we put them parallel like...
French fries.
You see that?
Pizza, french fries...
Pizza,
french fries...
<i>Hey, this is gonna be
just like eating at shakey's,
Huh, fellas?
Okay, let's have the little
dude at the end try it first.
What's your name?
Iiiike!
Okay, mike,
ski down to me.
Go on, ike.
Pizza, french fries...
Pizza, french fries,
french fries!
Pizza!
Okay, you see
what he did?
He french fried
when he should've pizza'd.
You french fry when you pizza,
you're gonna have a bad time.
And so we think
we can convince you
To buy one of our condos
That's opening right here
in phase four.
That sounds like a great
investment opportunity.
I'm sorry, but none of us
can really afford
To own our own
vacation condo.
Yeah, to be honest,
We're just doing
this meeting
Because of the
two nights free deal.
Oh, i know, that's what
everybody says.
"Not me,
i can't afford it."
But what if i told you could
own one of our properties
For only $8,000.
Wow!
For $8,000 we can
buy a condo here?
Well, you see, time-Share
means you buy the condo
With about 20 other
people like yourselves.
You share the condo
with other investors
And pick the time
you want to stay.
Share, time...
time-Share!
So then it's
not really ours.
Sure it is, 1/24th-
And-A-Half yours.
You see, time-Share
has made it possible
For even working-Class
people like you
To say, "i've got
a little place in aspen."
Try, try saying it.
"I've got a little
place in aspen."
I've got a little place
in aspen.
Rolls off the tongue
nicely, doesn't it?
Say, guys, how you'd like to
tell that hot secretary,
"I've got a nice little
place in aspen."?
Ha ha ha!
Just kidding, wives.
Listen, ah,
it's been 30 minutes.
We'd like to go
hit the slopes now.
Well, you still gotta come
to the time-Share luncheon.
We did give you a free
condo for the weekend.
Your ad said we only had to
attend a 30-Minute meeting.
Right, but this
isn't that meeting.
The luncheon is
that meeting.
Don't worry, you're gonna
have a great free meal
At the luncheon.
French fries,
pizza.
French fries.
Come on, cartman!
Ah, no more.
Looks like you think you're a
pretty good skier, huh, kid?
Well, i'm catching on
pretty fast i guess.
I've been skiing
for 22 years.
<i>Think you can beat me?
Ah, no.
What's your name,
hotshot?
Stan, marsh.
<i>Stan darsh
is more like it.
Ha, darsh.
All right,
how about a race then,
You and me?
Dude, i'm just
learning.
Ooh.
Looks to me like you're not
such a hotshot after all.
I never said i was.
Ooh!
Ooh.
Ooh.
You may think you got
what it takes
But as long as i'm around
you'll always be #2.
See you later, darsh.
And that is why owning
a piece of an aspen condo
Is not only possible...
It's downright smart.
Uh-Huh.
Oh, here it is,
as promised,
A fabulous free lunch.
Wow, filet mignon
and lobster.
Not bad.
It's nice to feel
rich, isn't it?
Oh, y'know, this
is really great.
It sure is.
What?
You see, that's the great
thing about time-Share.
You get a little taste of
luxuries you can't afford.
And then share it with the
people that come tomorrow.
All right, look, we've been
here for over three hours.
Yeah, could we
go now, please?
Of course you can,
go hit those slopes.
If you could just please
show me the backs
Of your table
place cards real quick.
Oh my god,
you got the red sticker!
They got the
red sticker?
They got the
red sticker!
What's the
red sticker?
Well, that means if you come
up to the condo sales office
You'll receive one of
three great prizes.
No, no, no-
We did your meeting,
we did your lunch.
We're finished, okay?
Okay, okay,
fine, i mean.
It would only take a second,
but i mean, y'know,
What did we do for you
Except give you a free condo
for the weekend?
Seems like you could
just at least
Come up and see
what prize you got.
Oh, all right!
Pizza...
french fries...
French fries...
pizza...
Pizza, french fries.
I wonder where
our parents are.
Who cares? I'm having
more fun on my own.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't stan darsh.
Oh, no.
Say, darsh, you don't mind
if i take heather out
For some fondue
tonight, do you?
Heather?
Sorry, stan, it's just that
when it comes to skiing
Tad has all
the right moves.
I just might show her
my moves tonight,
If you know what i mean.
You aren't mad,
are you, stan?
I mean, a girl's gotta look out
for her best interests.
Who are you people?
Still don't want
to race me?
I told you he was
chicken, heather.
Stan marsh the darsh.
All right, dude, if i race you
will you leave me alone?
Ooh!
Ooh!
All right, fine.
You and me
at the summit, now.
Okay.
Race, race!
Race, race!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Aspen now presents another
extreme racing showdown.
Seven-Time world aspen champion
tad mccowski
Versus eight-Year-Old
stan marsh.
Ha! You're going down,
little boy.
Yeah, probably.
Do you think
stan has a chance?
Go, stan!
Fries... fries.
He's got him,
tad's gonna win it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
You lose, darsh.
Yeah!
Uh, stan, you gave it
your best shot.
And that's all
jesus asks of you.
Dude, i'm just happy this
whole stupid thing is over with.
No hard feelings,
right, darsh?
Yeah!
Stan, for whatever
it's worth,
I think you were
really brave.
Thanks, who are you?
Hey, all the cool teens
are gonna be
At the youth center
tonight for a dance.
I hope you'll come
because you're just so...
Well, you're just so-
Well, that's all.
Finally, we get
to go skiing.
Oh my god, look how long
the lift lines are.
Yeah, i guess these passes
the time-Share salesmen gave us
Will come in handy.
Can i help you?
Yes, we have
the special passes
To use the exclusive lift
from the time-Share company.
Oh, go right on
ahead, folks.
Thank you.
Well, this
certainly is nice.
Yeah, we may not have
gotten to ski earlier,
But with this lift we'll get
more runs in than anybody.
Have fun waiting
in line, suckers!
Oh, chris.
Heh-Heh,
heh, heh...
Hey look, this chairlift
goes right into a building.
Welcome back, folks.
We've got a special new offer
we can't wait to tell you about.
Oh, god damn it!
Dude, it's been 12 hours.
Where the hell
are our parents?
I'm glad you guys came.
Do you like our
youth center?
Seems fine.
Yeah, too bad we're
getting shut down.
That hotshot skier tad's father
is gonna bulldoze the building.
Where are all us kids
supposed to go?
Don't care.
What do you
wanna do now?
I don't know.
Let's dance.
Butters, i hate you with
every inch of my body.
All right, aspen,
as a special treat tonight
We're proud to have
the winner of today's race,
Tad mccowski!
Yeah!
Oh god.
Hey, everyone.
I'd like to sing
a little song if i may.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Oh god,
let's go, you guys.
This is a song i wrote
about... stan marsh.
* staaan darsh *
* stan darsh
darshy darsh *
* stan darsh
* stan darsh
stan darsh *
* stan darsh, darsh
* stan darsh *
Dude, what the hell
is your problem?
Ooh!
Ooh!
I raced you, you won.
A rematch?
Oh, darsh, you're even
dumber than i thought.
He'll ski you
anytime, anywhere.
Yeah!
Yeah!
But this time
if he wins
You get your dad to not
close our youth center.
What?
All right then,
let's make it interesting.
Tomorrow afternoon,
on the k-13.
The k-13?
But that's the most dangerous
run in all of america.
Well, i'm not chicken.
Are you, darsh?
I'll be there,
you queen.
Oh yeah?
Yeah!
Oh, darsh, you're even dumber
than i thought, again.
See ya tomorrow.
You're not really
gonna go down that
K-13 run,
are you, stan?
Dude, i have to.
Stan, you can't let that
tad guy get to you.
Screw him, dude.
Dude,
he's got heather!
You don't even
know heather!
I know, i know, it's-
Look, i can't explain it
but i have to do this.
I'm not gonna die, i mean,
how bad can the k-13 be?
The k-13? You don't
wanna go down that run.
That run's got a history.
35 people have died
going down it,
And some say you can still
see their ghosts up there.
It was on that
very ski run
That a group of students were
killed by a wolf boy
Who escaped from
the mental institution.
You see, that ski run
was once a burial ground
To a tribe of
vampire wichika indians
Who ate the flesh of
children with no eyes.
Yup, a lot of history
on that ski run.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Look, stan,
when kenny died
I learned how important
friends are.
I'm not gonna
lose another friend.
This isn't about you, kyle,
I have to do this, okay,
i have to!
And so you see, it's the
investment opportunity
That keeps on giving.
How many times do we
have to tell you this?
We don't want to buy
shares in a condo.
And we certainly don't
want to pressure you.
Pressure us? You kept us
all day yesterday
And then had a chairlift
bring us back.
Hey, you can leave
any time you want.
Of course, that is if
you don't want the
Super-Secret fun prize for
attending the slide show.
No, we don't want the super-
Secret fun prize, all right?
We just want to ski!
Come on, everybody.
I know, have you ever considered
going in on a time-Share?
That's only a couple
thousand each, josh.
Don't listen to him,
let's just go.
My god, can you believe
those people?
I hope you don't
blame me for all that.
I mean, the ad did just say
a 30-Minute presentation.
Let's just
get out of here.
Folks, i'm glad
you're back
Because we forgot
to mention
Time-Share condos are
still deeded properties.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ooh, you folks really
lucked out this time.
You're visitors #1,000.
That means you can listen
to our special offer
For privileged members only.
That does it,
i'm calling the police.
Mr. Ski instructor,
i need a lot of training fast.
I'm gonna race down the k-13.
The k-13, but you're
just a beginner.
If you ski out of your league,
you're gonna have a bad time.
I have to do this, okay,
i have to.
All right, well,
if you gotta get good
At something really fast,
there's only one way to do it.
Come on!
* the day is
approaching *
* so give it your best
* and you've got to
reach your prime *
* that's when you need to put
yourself to the test *
* and show us
a passage of time *
* we're gonna need
a montage *
* a sports-Training montage
* show a lot of things
happening at once *
* remind everyone
of what's going on *
* and with every shot
show a little improvement *
* to show it all
would take too long *
* that's called a montage
* even "rocky"
had a montage *
* in any sport
if you want to go *
* from just a beginner
to a pro *
* you need a montage
* a simple
little montage *
* always fade out
in a montage *
* if you fade out it seems
like more time has passed *
* in a montage
* montage... *
All the ad said
Was that we had to attend
a 30-Minute, right?
And it's been
a day-And-A-Half.
These guys
won't let us leave.
That's not true, officers,
We said they could
leave at any time.
All right, let me see if
i got this straight.
You two gentlemen
are offering part-Time
Limited liability ownership
in one of your fabulous condos
For the one-Time price
of $8,000?!
That's right!
Sounds to me like if anybody
should be arrested,
It should be you people for
passing up such a great deal.
That's right,
You're practically stealing
condos at that price.
Book 'em, danno.
Oh, jesus.
No, no!
The police work for
time-Share too?
The police, the mayor, the
president of the united states.
Perhaps now you see the
severity of your situation.
I think we shall all sit down
And listen to
the presentation.
Sit!
Now, you're probably
asking yourselves,
Can my time-Share condo
turn into a profit?
What kind of cash flow can i
realize from my investment?
The answer might
astonish you.
For over 10 years,
investors have seen their-
The powder is fresh
and the stage is set
For tad versus stan
on the k-13.
This time you're not
just gonna lose,
<i>You're gonna die.
I can't lose
another friend.
First kenny
and now stan.
All i'm gonna have left
are you two douches.
Ready, set, go!
Pizza, pizza, pizza.
Tad's got the lead.
Come on, stan!
Ha ha!
This should slow down
darsh a bit.
And it looks like tad
is way out in front.
Now i'll win for sure.
Oh dude,
i can't look.
Let's see what some sand
does to your speed, darsh.
He doesn't
stand a chance now.
I'm gonna beat him!
The race is half over and
tad is still out in the lead.
Ha, when darsh skis by here
i'll let all these hamsters go.
That should distract him
just long enough
For me to win
the race!
Oh, tad.
What are you
doing up here?
Oh, nothing.
<i>I just thought maybe i could
distract you with these.
Whuu... uhh,
whoa...
Good job, dude!
Thanks.
You did it, stan.
Thanks a lot, stan.
Now we're gonna be able
to keep the youth center.
Well, that does it.
Looks like the spirits
of the wakichaw indians
Can finally
rest in peace.
Thank you... stan.
Stan, i was
wrong about you.
Would you like to
go out again?
Go ahead, stan, she's
everything you ever wanted.
There you are,
boys.
Mom, dad.
Where the hell
have you guys been?
We got a little held up at the
time-Share sales office.
Yeah, but the good news is we
finally came to our senses
And brought some shares
in a condo.
So we all get to come to aspen
for two weeks every year.
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
What's the matter,
didn't you boys like skiing?
No, we can't keep track
of when you pizza
And when you french fries.
And when the hotshot asshole
skier takes your girl,
If you're supposed to
race him the first time,
Or train first to beat him on
the really difficult mountain
So you can save the dorky,
but hot girl's youth center.
Skiing sucks!
Yeah, what a stupid sport.
I heard that you were
the one responsible
For making tad
lose the race.
Thanks.
Yeah, well, he really flipped
when he saw these.
Quaid...
Start the reactor.
* talking away *
* i don't know
what i'm to say *
* i'll say it anyway
* today's another day
to find you *
* shying away
* i'll be coming
for your love, okay *
* take... on- *