Parents, it's that time of year again
when the bishops and priests from around
the country are organizing the
Young Men's Catholic Retreat.
This year, we're taking the
boys on a weekend boat trip
to discuss Jesus's role as
the Navigator of our lives.
That sounds pretty fun.
A Catholic boat trip?
<i>The Catholic Boat's gonna
be headin' on out today.
<i>The Catholic Boat. Time to
throw all of your cares away.
<i>Get some hot Chrisitan
action; it'll make you-
'Scuse me.
Look, I just don't think
it's the best idea to
let our boys to go on a
c-cruise with the priests.
We can let them go, can we?
There's no way my son's going.
What are they talking about?
I don't know.
Maybe they wanna kill us.
With everything that's been in the news,
I think it's best to keep our kids...
far away from the priests.
Now, come on, everybody,
just because a few priests in
the country have been corrupted
doesn't mean that all
priests are child molesters.
Well, sure, that's easy for
yuo to say; your son's dead.
But those of us with alive children need to
be sure that Father Maxi's on the up-and-up.
I've heard about other towns bringing
in counselors that know how to
find things out from kids without
really telling them what's going on.
It couldn't hurt.
Uh, Sh-sh. Here he
comes, here he comes.
Uh... Good-bye, everyone.
Good-bye, Father.
Alright, then, it's settled.
Tomorrow we'll find an outside
counselor and... find out the truth.
Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache
and I need to ask you a few
questions about your priest, okaaay?
Okay.
Okay. Would you say that
Father Maxi is... nice? Or mean?
-Nice.
-Um, cool.
Okaaay, what words would you
use to describe your priest?
Compassionate.
Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time,
ever try to put somethig in your butt?
Ih... in our... butt?
You don't need to be
ashamed or embarassed.
Just, did he ever try to
put anythig in your butt?
...Like ...money? What?
You mean, like a goldfish?
No, no. Did he ever try to put anythig
that belonged to him in your butt?
No.
This is ridiculous,
havin' to sit out here waitin' to find
out if our priest molested our kids.
Yeah, what what has
Catholicism come to anyway?
You know, I think we've
just had it with the Church.
All the horrible things
they've done to kids, I...
I think I'm gonna become an atheist!
That's a good idea. I'm
gonna be an atheist too.
Let's all be atheists!
Yeah, yeah, alright.
If there was a god, why would he let
our kids be molested in the first place?
Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!
Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists.
...Same thing.
Yeah!
What would the priest ...possibly
want to put in our butts?
Maybe... No.
Hey dudes.
Hey.
What are you guys doin'?
We had to go meet with
this counselor lady,
and she asked us if the priest
every put anything in our butts.
In your butts?
Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
Why would he puyt
anything in your butts?
We don't know. We're
- that's what we're tryin' to figure out.
Hello there, children!
Chef! What would a priest
want to stick up my butt?
Good-bah!
Nobody is going to tell us.
This is going to drive me insane!
Calm down, Tweek. There has
to be a rational explanation.
Aw, dude, I think I might have it.
What?
It makes perfect sense.
Okay, w-work with me on this:
if you eat food, you
crap out yoru butt, right?
Yeah.
Alright, now keep working with me
here, it's getting a little complicated.
If you eat food and crap out yoru butt,
then maybe, if you
stuck food in your butt,
you would crap out your mouth.
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said
- this week!
What, that's not dumb. Think about it:
food goes in the mouth,
comes out the butt.
Food goes in the butt,
comes out the mouth.
That's not dumb, that's genius.
It wouldn't work!
Have you ever tried it?
I don't need to. It wouldn't work.
I bet you twenty buck it'll work!
You're on, fat boy!
Okay, let's go, Jew!
Yeah, yeah! Down with
God! Down with God!
Stan, you're an atheist now!
You too, Tweek!
Yeah, yeah! Down with
God! Down with God!
I'm a what??
Fathers, I want to
thank you all for coming.
No, thank you for finally organizing
an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi.
I think we all agree something
has to be done, quickly.
Well, I don't know how
it's been for all of you,
but attendance at my church in Fort
Rawlins is down sixty-three precent!
I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.
Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things
keep going the way they are,
we could lose our entire religion.
Yes, we've gotta stop these
boys from goin' to the public!
They've gotta know to
keep their mouths shut!
That right, yeah.
Right, and so... wa
- wait a minute. What?
Yes, but we've got to find out
why these children are suddenly
finding it necessary to report
that they're being molested.
Stop the problem at its source.
Yes, but how?
-Something has to be done.
-We've got to stop this-
Whoa, whoa, hold on a second!
The problem is that children are being
molested, not that they're reporting it!
How do you mean?
Well, I mean, obviously,
what we need to put a stop to
is all the sexual misconduct that is
allowed to take place in our churches,
and not just tell the children
not to tell anybody about it.
I mean, right?
Well did any of the children
you've molested come forward?
No.
Well, that's good.
No, I mean! I've never molested
any of the children in my church!
Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all
priests here; the doors are closed.
Oh for the love of God!
Are you all saying that you've engaged in
inappropriate relations with your altar boys?
We are here to bring the light
of God, not harm the innocent!
I'm serious!
Father, uh, having sex with boys is part
of the Catholic priest's way of life.
Yeah.
Dear God. This problem is much more
severe than I could have possibly imagined.
I have to go to the
Vatican and get help.
Well, Cartman?
Hold on! God, let a man crap!
What's going on?
Cartman shoved food up his ass and
now he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.
Well, go on, smartass, and do it!
I'm doin' it already!!
God, give me a minute!
You've had five, dude!
I can't-, I can't do it with
you guys watching. Turn around.
No! Because you'll just crap out your butt
and then say it came out of your mouth!
Ugh! Do you really think I'd
be that deceitful, you guys?!
Ugh, goddamnit you guys,
this si so seriously.
Get the fuck out of here!
Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!!
I crapped out my mouth!
I crapped out my mo-outh!
You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!
Well, there you go. Um, grazie.
Wow, I'm actually here. Vatican City!
Your Holiness, this is
Father Maxi from America.
He has brought this
all to our attention.
Your Holiness.
Adoramus te, Christe.
Et dominus...
Cardinals, bishops, and priests,
an American priest
by the name of-a Maxi
has brought to our attention
the most troubling of news.
All over his-a country there are
reports of children being molested
by men of the Chuch.
If things continue this way, we'll never
be able to have sex with young boys again!
That's right-wait. What?
In France as well we are finding it harder
and harder to... make love to our boys.
In Morocco they have
arrested five of my priests.
It's only a matter of time
before they get the rest of us.
Father Maxi, what do you
suggest we do to not get caught.
Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what
we should do is not have sex with boys!
It is not written anywhere
in the Holy Document
of Vatican Law that sex
with-a boys is wrong..
Well, maybe we need to change
the Holy Document of Vatican Law.
Speaking on behalf of
the British Catholics,
it is obvious that the
priest doesn't realize that
the Holy Document of Vatican
Law can not be changed!
Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!
Yes, and speaking on behalf
of the Gelgamek Catholics,
I believe we should move on to
other solutions to this problem.
Gelgameks?
Kyle, could you help me
out? I need some advice.
What?
It's just that...
I can't decide what to buy
with your twenty dollars!
I was thinking of getting
this mega-man racer for $19.95,
or I could get two Broncos
trading packs for ten apiece.
And then I thought-
Oh boy, now that we're atheists
we don't have to pray for our food.
That's right, everyone just dig in.
So, kids,anything happen
with your whole Sunday off?
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up
his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Stanley!
What? He did.
Noho, it doesn't work that way, son.
Yeah it does.
No it doesn't.
Yeah. It does.
Honey! Honey, come quick!
Look, people!
I'm just trying to say that if we don't
change the Holy Document of Vatican Law,
then we might lose everyone to atheism!
What exactly do you suggest
we change, Father Maxi.
Well, for one, no sex with boys.
The Holy Document of Vatican Law states that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married,
so where are we to get our sex?
Uh well then, perhaps we could change the
Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that...
it's okay for a priest or bishop or
cardinal to have sex... with women.
Women?
The Gelgamek vagina is three feet
wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth.
Do you really expect us
to have sex with them?!
Okay, m-maybe we just need to forget about the Gelgameks for a second and focus-
What's that about the Gelgameks?!
I'm just saying, what works on
planet Gelgamek isn't necessarily
goin' ta work for the
rest of us here, on Earth.
You see? That's the
problem we're having here.
But-a the Holy Document of
Vatican Law cannot be changed!
Why not?!
Because we don't know where it is.
You see, Father, the Holy
Document of Vatican Law has been
hidden away deep in the Catacombs
of-a St. Peter's below us.
Hidden away so that it
can never be changed.
But if we locate it we
can make changes to it?
HA! Good luck, father!
The document is guarded by water
lizards, rattle snakes and sand traps!
The fools who have tried before
to recover it met their deaths!
Well we have to try.
Our religion is dying!
You guys! You guys! Look!
I went down to the bank and
got Kyle's twenty-dollar bill
turned into twenty single-dollar bills.
So?
So? So now I can do this!
Yeess! Yeess, Kyle's
money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!
Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm.
Get up, fat boy! I'm
gonna kick your ass!
Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser.
It's over, okay? I won. Let it go.
So you crapped out of your mouth! Good
for you! It's still stupid and immature!
Dude, look.
Our top story tonight, the
age-old question has been answered:
if I put food up my ass,
will I crap out my mouth?
All over the country, people are
discovering that, yes, in fact, you will.
The sugeon-general had this to say:
And the uh immediate research shows
that the act is not only amusing,
but in fact much healthier for out
bodies than the old way of eating.
You see, food entering through the anus
has the benefit of being broken down
on its way to the stomach
rather than afterward.
And therefore I believe that
interorectogestion would actually
put a stop to high cholesterol
and most kinds of stomach cancers.
And I base that on absolutely nothing.
The Surgeon-General's
response has made Americans
change their eating
habits almost instantly.
That's stupid and immature, Cartman!
It is stupid and immature!
So you got people to
crap out of their mouths!
What do you want, a feakin' medal?!
The Mayor of South Park
has announced that for first
discovering this healthy way of eating,
young citizen Eric Cartman will
be given... a freaking medal.
Back now, with more on
"Martha Stewart's Living" .
In the past few days we've all heard of
the healthy benefits of interorectogestion,
and so making food that can be
inserted into the ass is essential.
Now, everyone knows that some
foods are simple to shove up the ass
puddings, soups, raisins... this
is a nice raisin pudding right here
but we can also still
eat our favorite foods.
What we're gonna do today is prepare
a Thanksgiving turkey for interorecto.
Now, the key to shoving a turkey up
your ass is first wrapping it in string,
keeping the pointy
wings neatly at the side.
Ms. Stewart, we have some questions.
Not right now, I just wanna
focus on my turkey, right now.
Now, we're going to baste the turkey with
lubricating gel rather than with juice
this'll help smooth
the insertion later on.
We still bake at four hundred
degrees for twenty minutes a pound.
When it's done we'll
get something like this.
So now we're ready to go. Looks
delicious. Let's try it out.
Yeah, get it up there. Yeah.
And that is how you eat a turkey.
We'll be right back with more.
Ahh, hello. Uh My name is Father
Maxi, from the United States.
What do you seek, Father?
I... I'm trying to find the
Holy Document of Vatican Law.
...So that we can make revisions to it.
That Gospel... lies
somewhere beyond this door.
But... many troubles await thee inside!
Only he whose heart truly belongs
to the Lord shalla make it through.
I have to try. Our religion is in trouble,
and... and that scroll may be our only hope!
Then, prepare yourself.
The time of trials begins.
Adoramus te, Christe!
I wish you luck, Father. Use all the
strength, agility, and faith that you have.
Very well. Here we go.
Hmmm, there's a ladder up here.
Oh my God, a rattlesnake!
A way back up!
I've made it! Praise be to
God! He hath shown me the way!
This must be it. The Holy
Document of Vatican Law.
Well, Sharon and I are havin'
a great time bein' atheist.
I for one can't believe
I used to live my life
by what a very old and very
fictional book used to say.
Well it's true. I mean, what do a
bunch of stories about people in robes
slaughtering goats have
to do with today's world?
Atheism has definitely
made our lives better.
I made some quesadillas,
if anybody wants some.
And if anybody needs to potty,
there's a potty basket right here.
Oh thanks, Sharon.
You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're worried we might have a hard time raising our son atheist.
I mean- whoa, thank you
I mean, it could end up being very difficult raising an atheist child in such a Christian society.
I feel that everywhere my poor son goes
he's being persecuted for his beliefs.
That's true. If I'm gonna
raise my son to be atheist,
I don't want him saying "under
God" every day at school.
That could really damage him.
"Under God" should be taken out of the
- uh, 'scuse me.
"Under God" should be taken
out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
That's right, I agree. And it
should be taken off of money as well.
The religious right in this country is trying
to force our children to believe what they
And we can't let the religious
right corrupt our kids.
That's right, that's right.
Cardinals, bishops and priests!
Father Maxi has returned!
And he has the Holy
Document of-a Vatican Law!
How did he make it
past the water lizards?
Yes, I have returned with the
Holy Document of Vatican Law,
so can we PLEASE, change it now to say,
"It's NOT okay to have sex with boys"?
Wait wait-a, the pope-a
wants-a to say something.
The pope-a says we shall
ask the highest source.
Oh my.
The holy one! Behold
the great Queen Spider!
Hail Queen Spider!
Queen spider?
O great Queen Spider,
we seek a-your guidance.
What do you ask of me?
Great Queen Spider, we seek to
change one of the Vatican rules.
The Vatican rules cannot be
changed. So saith the Spider
Go on, Priest Maxi. See
if you can convince her.
Alright, that does
it!!! I've had enough!!!
You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world!
You sit in this big room with your
Gelgameks and your Queen Spider,
and none of it applies to what
being a Catholic is all about!!
But the Holy Document of
Vatican Law states that-
To hell with the Holy
Document of Vatican Law!!
You guys, you guys! I took Kyle's
twenty dollars down to the bank again,
and I got it changed into quarters!
So?
So now I can dump them into this little
pool and swim in them all day long!
Yeessss. Kyle's monneey.
Cartman, there's something
I need to tell you.
O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?
You were totally, one
hundred percent right.
Heh... what?
You won the bet. You were totally accurate
about being able to crap out your mouth,
and I've just been frustrated
because I didn't think of it first.
I want you to enjoy
that money because...
you really impressed me
with your insight and...
I'm... proud to have you as a friend.
You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!!
Yeah, the pope is gone!
Great news, Stan! The
Vatican is burning down!
Score one for us atheists
Come on, Tweek! We're
gonna watch it on TV!
Gone! It's all gone!
Well, thanks a lot, Father
Maxi. You've killed our religion.
No I didn't! All that's dead
are your stupid laws and rules!
You've forgotten what being
a Catholic is all about.
This... book.
You see, these are just stories.
Stories that are meant to help
people in the right direction.
Love your neighbor. Be a good person.
That's it!
And when you start turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well...
Well, you end up with this.
People are losing faith
because they don't see how
what you've turned the
religion into applies to them!
They've lost touch with any
idea of any kind of religion,
and when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by,
well, they just start spewing a
bunch of crap out of their mouths!
...What was that last bit?
Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic.
But I'm a Catholic in the
real world. In today's world!
It's time for you all to do that, too.
It is time... for change.
He's right, Sharon.
We don't have to believe
every word of the Bible.
They're just stories
to help us to live by.
We shouldn't toss away
the lessons of the Bible
just because some assholes
in Italy screwed it up.
O Randy, I don't wanna put
food up my butt anymore.
Gang, I think maybe
we, owe God an apology.
Does this mean we have to go
to church on Sundays again?
No. It means we get to, son.
It means... we get to.
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