South Park S03E10 Chinpokomon

I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time.
Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation.
Going down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind.
Ample parking day or night,
people spouting, "Howdy neighbor!"
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind.
"I like girls with big ol' titties,
I like girls with big vaginas. "
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine.
No, Kitty! These are my spicy-hot
Louisiana-baked Chicken Tenders!
No, Kitty!
Someday, I will collect all the
Chinpoko Mon. Then I will fight...
...the Evil Power that will reveal itself
once all the Chinpoko Mon are collected-oh?
No, Kitty. You can't have these chicken tenders,
because they are mine, and I keep mine to myself-oh?
Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another
inexplicable episode of… CHINPOKOMON.
Hooray!
- Hey kids! Do you love Chinpokomon?
- Yes.
Well, now you can buy your very own!
<i>I've got to buy Chinpokomon
I've got to buy it, I've got to buy it!
Now you can collect them all.
Furrycat, Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe, Lambtor.
Collect them all and you could become
Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
<i>- Whoa! Crown Chinpoko Master?! Holy shit!
- All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.
<i>- Chinpokomon is soo-peh-rior rubbeh toy, Nuhmbah 1!
- Come buy us! Chinpo-ko-mon!
Mom! Mom!
Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy store,
Mom. Now! Must go! Toy store!
- Eric, calm down.
- Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!
- What is it, Eric?
- Mom, I've only just heard.
They're making Chinpokomon dolls, mom.
You can collect them all.
You can collect them all, Mother;
quick, come on. Let's go to the toy store.
I'm making us some lunch right now, Eric.
But Mom, I have to get Chinpokomon dolls before
everybody else does, 'cause then I'll be cool.
Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?
But Mom, I have to get the first one,
or else people won't think I'm cool!
- Alright! let's go.
- Sweet.
Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous
when they see my Chinpokomon.
Oh, God damnit!
- Hey, fatass. - Hey, dick-whore.
I guess you saw the commercial, too.
Yep. I got: Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe.
Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin.
He's the coolest.
God damnit, there's no more Pengins!
Kenny, Pengin is my favorite.
That's the last one. Let me have it.
- C'mon. Give me Pengin!
- (No! This is mine!)
Honestly, I don't see what they find
so amusing about those things.
- They're so strange. Where are they from?
- Well, it's some new big thing from Japan.
I tell you, those Japanese really know
how to market to kids.
I've got to collect all Chinpokomon.
I've got to collect them all...
...so I can become
Royal Crown Chinpoko Master-oooh?
Own a Chinpokomon, and you vill
have happy feelings.
- I have to become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
- Must collect Chinpokomon.
- Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi
for your Pengin. - (Fuck you!)
God damnit, you're supposed to trade those,
you asshole! Now, give me Pengin!
- Hey dudes. What are those?
- What are these? They're Chinpokomon!
- You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon.
- No, but look: I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll.
- Oho, please. Cyborg Bill is so yesterday.
- Yeah, like ancient history.
- Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?
- No, dude!
- Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle.
- Why the hell don't people tell me these things?!
It's all Chinpokomon now.
Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you can
complete the Primary Main Objective.
What's the Primary Main Objective?
You don't even know what the
Primary Main Objective is?
The Primary Main Objective is
to destroy the Evil Power.
Well. what's the Evil Power?
Oh, my God! The identity
of the Evil Power won't be revealed...
...until all Chinpokomon are collected
by a Royal Crown Chinpoko Master!
- What?
- Duuuh!
- Kyle, get with the times, dude!
- Duuuh!
Shit!
- Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?
- What's a Chinpokomon?
- I'm not sure.
- Well, why do you need one?
I don't know.
Well then, the answer is no, Kyle.
You just got money to buy your Cyborg Bill doll.
Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now.
Please Mom? Everybody else has Chinpokomon.
Well, Kyle, that's not a reason
to buy something.
You see, son, fads come and go. And this
"Chinpokomon" is obviously nothing more than a fad.
You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can
make an even stronger statement by saying,...
..."I'm not going to be a part of this fad,
because I'm an individual. " Do you understand?
Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell you
how it works in the real world.
In the real world, I can either get
a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one,...
...which singles me out, and causes the other kids
to make fun of me and kick my ass.
- Hm. Good point; here's $10.
- Thanks.
Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, too.
There you go, son. I honestly don't know
what you see in these things.
Neither do I.
I guess I'll call it a night.
<i>Chinpoko! Buy me! Buy me!
When will you become Royal Chinpoko Master?
Hurry up and buy me.
Down with America!
What?
I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy
the capitalistic American government.
What the hell is goin' on here?!
- Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon doll!
- Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so last week.
- What?
- Yeah, dude. Don't you know?
It's all about the Chinpokomon video game now.
Did you bring your special Chinpokomon game controller?
Huh? No.
Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon
game controller. Eheheh. Jesus Christ!
- Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?
- To destroy the Evil Power!
I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon
so I can destroy the Evil Power-oooh?
Damnit!
I've got to buy them all, so first I'd better
go to Hawaii and visit Pearl Harbor.
Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Reddy?
Go!
- I must buy them all! I must buy them all!
- We must buy them all!
Gottai to bomb thah hahbah!
- Dude! The video game gave Kenny a seizure.
- Cool! This game rules!
Hello?
Ello?
Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon.
Purease state a-name.
- Red Harris. I own a toy store in America?
- Purease state the puhpose.
Uh, I wanna know what the hell
you people are doing with these dolls,...
...talkin' about bringin' down
American government and all?
- I am President Hirohito. And, this is Mr. Ose.
- Peased to meet you.
We unduhstand you have big concern
about our fine product.
Oh, yes. Do you mind tellin' me
what the hell this is about?
The American government lies to you! Join the fight
for Japanese supremacy of the world! More to come.
- Well?
- Uuuh.
That is so sturange.
I do not know how this could happen.
But rest assured, I will make sure
it does not happong again!
Well, now, come on, I don't think that
that quite satisfies my--
- You are American?
- Yes.
Ogh! You must have very big pee-anis!
Excuse me? I was just asking you
what you're up to with these toys!
Nothing. We are very simple people. With
very small penis. Mr. Ose penis is especially small.
Uh, smuh, so small.
We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you!
Americans. Wow! Penis so big! SOOO big penis!
Well, I guess it is a pretty good size.
(Everyone, come come!)
This man has vehry big penis!
(- It's rather large, isn't it?)
(- Yes.)
Uh, hoh, what an immense penis!
Well, it certainly was nice meeting
you folk, I just wanted to bring...
...that little malfunction
to your attention. Bye-bye now.
Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by,
with your gargantuan penis.
(Bad, this is bad.)
(- How could you let this chip go out?!)
(- I don't know, boss. That's the problem.)
(- You're no longer in charge!)
(- Yes. Yes, boss.)
I've got to buy Chinpokomon. I've got to…
buy them. Must buy Chinpokomon.
(All the children in America own Chinpokomon.
We'll begin "phase two" there. LET'S GO!)
The time has come! We will take Pearl Harbor!
- What are you doing? - I'm watching
one of Stanley's Chinpokomon video tapes.
- Why?
- Our son loves this show, Randy,...
...so I think it's important that we watch it
to see if it's teaching him good moral values.
Hey, you must be Roostor!
I haven't bought one of you yet,...
...but I'll bet you can transform into
Roostallion if you found Diamond Skill 7!
Roo-oo-oostor!
Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and put it in this bag,
where it will flourish or expire, depending on fate!
Hey! Is that a good idea?
Roostors aren't like Chuchunezumis.
They haven't the heart for such endeavors.
- Are those good moral values?
- I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Lambtron! You are losing the battle of your life!
<i>But Lambtron's powers also give him
a good chance for a new fight. Will he succeed?
I am sad now, because Lambtron must be very lonely
because there are so few Lambtrons in the world.
Will he ever find a companion?
This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things
supposed to be animals or robots or what?!
- I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all.
- Randy, we can't allow our son to watch this stuff!
Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent.
No, but it's incredibly stupid, and that could be worse
on a child's mind than any vulgarity or violence.
Remember what "Battle Of The Network Stars"
did to an entire generation.
My God, you're right.
<i>Come on, brothers and sisters,
we've all got to join together.
<i>Join together and give me money
so I can buy more Chinpokomon!
<i>We've got to stop this fight and…
- How's it goin', fatass?
- I haven't made any money yet.
What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we
gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?
Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with
this gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend!
What have you two assholes done?!
We can't do anything.
Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure.
I got it! I got my Chinpokomon game controller!
Jesus Tapdancing Christ!
Get with the program, Kyle!
Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon
video games anymore.
- Now it's all about the big weekend
Chinpokomon camp. - Camp?
The makers of Chinpokomon
are going town to town and putting on...
...a special camp to show all the Chinpoko Masters
how to destroy the Evil Power.
- You didn't know that?
- No, I knew it! I knew it.
I was just testing you guys. You just wait
till I get to that Chinpokomon camp!
I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all!
So we'll see you there, a-ight?
- Dude, did you just say "a-ight"?
- Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?
- Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!
- Yeah, dude. Nobody says "a-ight" anymore.
What?? "A-ight"'s not cool, either??
When did that happen?
- Like, eight days ago.
- God damnit!
Hey, kids! Only one more day till the Chinpokomon camp!
Come early and enjoy all the Chinpoko fun!
<i>Chinpokomon Camp!
I've got to buy a ticket!
<i>I've got to buy one! A ticket!
I've got to buy buy buy!
It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday.
You can'ta wait to go!
<i>Chinpoko Mon!
We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention
because, honestly, we don't know how to feel.
Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp.
I mean, it seems to me this Chinpokomon thing
is just another harmless fad.
Yeah. We told Kyle he could go
if he did all his chores, and he did.
Now, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism
is good for our boys.
Well, you know how it is, Randy.
The more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons,
the more they're gonna love them.
You're right, Sheila. I guess the best thing we can do
is just let them go until they get sick of it.
Sure. Apparently, they've been doing these camps in
every city around the country; how bad can they be?
- Get outta the way! Move it!
- Can you see anything?
It's starting, it's starting!
<i>I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it!
Chinpokomon!
Attention! Attention!
This is a Chinpokomon Camp!
Chinpokomon is what we strive
to be great at in our hearts!
…our hearts.
Kenny?
- What is the Primary Main Objective?
- To destroy the Evil Power!
…Power.
Yes. Anda what is the Evil Power?
The Evil Power is the
UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!
United Statesuh government is the Evil Power!
It hasa taken Japanese Americans!
It hasa broken Japanese spirit!
And what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil Power?!
- Destroy it!
- Destroy it?
That isa correct! Now, it isa great honor to present…
your Chinpoko Leaduh! Emperor Hirohito!
Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it knows
and honors that the greatness of Japan...
...is in its history, and it is based on that history
that we shall again rise to the dominant world powuh!
Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
It is again time for the Rising Sun
to sit tall in the sight! One Japan! One society!
We will begin witha language
anda exercise skills. Hajimete!! ["Begin!"]
Ichi, ni, san, shi! ["1, 2, 3, 4!"]
Ichi, ni, san, shi!
Ichi, ni, san, shi!
Okay, children, I want it quiet! Now, we're gonna
try this again until we get it right! What is 6 x 3?
<b>- Juuhachi desu ka? ["Isn't it 18?"]
- Juuhachi da nee! ["Eighteen it is!"]
NO, GOD DAMNIT, IT'S 18!
Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.
For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san,
all right?! And this is not Hat-san!
And you all better start talking
in a manner that I can understand!
<b>Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana!
["Ooo, Mr. Garrison is such an asshole!"]
- What did he say?!
- He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa!"
<b>- Soo desu nee! ["That's right!"]
- Damnit, this is not Japan!!
Minata! Kite kite, churi...
<b>Dare ga pu shita no. ["Who farted?"]
People, please! We can only speak one at a time.
Now, Mr. Garrison, you were saying…
I can't take it, Mayor.
You have to put an end to this Chinpoko Camp.
My son hasn't made any sense in days.
I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are trying
to change our American children somehow!
Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose were
nice enough to stop by to talk to you. Gentlemen?
We at the Japan Toy Compnay are
vetty cohncerned about-a your cohncerns.
That is why we make Chinpokomon camp.
Well, how is it good?! We don't understand
what the point of your product is!
There is nothing to worry about. We at
Japan Toy Compnay are in awe of your large penis.
- What?
- You see, Japanese penis so small.
So-eh small.
You Americans have such
humungous burbous penis.
- Well, I guess that's true.
- Oh, such nice big penis American.
What can we possubruh do with such small penis?
We cannot take over your city, filled witha
men awith such mastodonic penis.
- Well, uh he's got a point there.
- Well, I guess that settles that.
We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen.
Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance
to be in same room with big American penis.
- Uh, uh, my penis so small.
- Nice guys.
So, what are we going to do
about our children?
Aah, hello-o?
Okay, people. I know this
Chinpuku Man fad is causing a lot of problems.
- But I think we've already found a solution.
- You have?
Children are fickle. All we have to do
is come up with a new fad.
We find the next toy and turn them all
onto it as soon as possible.
- Of course! That's a great idea!
- But what toy?
Alright, boys, we're going to show you
a couple of commercials,...
...and you tell us which toy
interests you the most. Now, watch carefully.
- Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
- Yeah!
Well then, you're gonna go wild for
Wild Wacky Action Bike!
<i>Wild Wacky Action Bike!
The bike that's hard to ride!
Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible to steer.
And look: it glows in the dark!
<i>Goin' to try to ride all day long, but I'm gonna fail
'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!
<i>You get about in, you get about in
Wild Wacky Action Bike!
Wild Wacky Action Bike
comes with everything you see here.
- Gay.
- Yeah, dude. That was totally gay.
Okay, here's the next one.
- Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
- Yeah!
Well then, you're gonna love… Alabama Man!
<i>Alabama Man! He's quick,
he's strong, he's happ'nin'
You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley,
where he drinks heavily and chews tobacco.
Wow! He can bowl.
<i>He can bowl, he can drink,
he can drink and bowl. Alabama Man.
When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the
action button, and Alabama Man busts her lip open.
Shut up, bitch!
<i>He beat the wife and sleeps it off.
Alabama Man!
I wanna be just like Alabama man.
Alabama Man comes with everything
you see here. Wife sold separately.
I thought I told you to shut up!
Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters.
- Gay.
- Totally gay.
- Liberace gay.
Oooh, dear.
Well, let's keep trying. How about this?
<b>- Owatta! ["Down with"]
- Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
<b>- Owatta! ["Down with"]
- Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
<b>- Owatta! - Beikoku! Nihon en ima hajimaru!
["Its fate is now to become Japan!"]
Stan?
Stan, it's Mommy!
Stanley, you need to come home right now.
Mommy misses you.
Stanley, I'm talking to you!
Stan, please, come home!
<b>["This is my home now. "]
- So desu nee. ["That's right. "]
- Do not worry. Everything isa okay.
- No it's not okay!
- Oh, buta you have such large penis.
- What?
Your penis, WOW!
What he means is that all men
in this town have very large penis.
Can't you see what's happening?!
They're just using that talk to distract you!
He doesn't really have a small penis!
<b>Misenasai! ["Show them!"]
- Owatta!
- Beikoku!
- Oh God, is there nothing we can do?
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I think I know the answer! I know
how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon!
- How?
- Come on! We don't have much time!
And now, for a special annoucement
from the President of the United States.
My fellow Americans, I wish to address
the concerns many of us have over the...
...growing number of Japanese military bases
forming in the United States.
The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito,
has made our own children into fighter pilots...
...who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack Pearl Harbor.
I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning,...
...and he assured me that I have a very
large penis. He said it was mammoth, dinosauric,...
...and absolutely dwarfed his penis, which,
he assured me, was nearly microscopic in size.
My penis, he said, was most likely
one of the biggest on the planet.
I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty.
Thank you.
Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor!
When you arrive you will drop many bombs!
<b>Hai, sachoo-san ["Yes, Mr. President. "]
<b>Nan da kore? ["What's this?!"]
<b>Chinpoko ga dai-suki yoo!
["We're crazy about this Chinpoko stuff. "]
- What? - We just came to support you.
We love Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy, number 1!
- You like it? - You bet. I think Chinpokoman
is chinpokorrific. I got Shoe.
- Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your Roostor
with my Donkeytron. - Uh… no, that's okay, Mom.
- Whar are they doing?!
- It's a trick!
Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker.
Isn't that cool?
No.
- Screw this, dude.
- Where are you going, Stan?
I don't know. Chinpokomon just doesn't seem that cool
anymore. I'm gonna go kill some ants or something.
Wait for me, I wanna
get out of these stupid clothes.
Yeah. Me too! Me too.
Well, you were right, Sharon. The best way to make
our kids not like something is to like it ourselves.
That's right. Anything we like is instantly not cool.
We know how to take them out, Mr. Garrison!
Spread the word! Get on the wire
to every parent around the country...
<i>...and tell them how to bring
those sons of bitches down!
Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little nutty with that
Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have $5 to buy a football?
You bet, Stanley!
Owatta Beikoku!
- Kyle, it's over!
- But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master!
- Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore.
- What?
- Yeah, dude, that's way over. - Dude, you're just
jealous because I'm Chinpoko Master!
No, Kyle. You see, we learned something today.
This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because...
...we all followed the group. We only liked
Chinpokomon because everyone else did.
And look at the damage it caused.
So now I should stop liking
Chinpokoman because you all don't?
- Yeah. - But if I stop now, I'll just be
going with the group again.
So, to be an individual,
I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya.
Oh. Wait. Actually, I was wrong.
You see, Kyle, I learned something, just now.
It is good to go with the group.
A group mentality is healthy, sometimes.
Aw, screw it; I'm too confused.
Well, I'm sure glad this is all over.
Hey, get offa him! He's not dead yet!
Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats!
He's not dead yet!
Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store
after school and get some Spaceman Greg cards?
Naw, I think I'm through with fads for a while.
Me too. I'm choosing
my own toys from now on, 'cause--
What the-?
Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gross!