South Park S02E17 Gnomes

Settle down children.
I have some difficult news which
is going to make you all very sad.
The school board is considering
firing me as your teacher.
There is a possibility I might be let go
and never allowed to teach you again.
- Yes Stanley?
- That's ok with us.
- That's fine. - No, it isn't
it makes you very sad!
Now apparently the
school board thinks that I
don't teach you anything
about current events.
So tomorrow they're gonna have you
do presentations for the whole board.
"Current events in South Park".
ow I want you all to read a news
paper or better yet watch television
and come up with something current
in South Park to do a report on.
Now this will be a group project so I'm
gonna place you all into groups of five.
Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and
Token, you'll be group one.
And group two will be Stan,
Kyle, Eric, Kenny, and…
and Tweek.
- Oh not Tweek. - We don't
wanna be in a group with Tweek.
There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I
bet he'll do a great job in your group.
I can't stand that kind of
pressure! No sweet Jesus please!
Dude, we can't
work with this kid.
That's what Chet Everet
thought when the new female
intern joined the
cast of Medical Center.
He thought who is this woman
with her gozungas and high heels?
What does she
know about medicine?
Well that intern saved
Chet Everet's brother
with a kidney
transplant so you see?
- No. - Well let
me put another way.
You have to give your reports to
the town committee tomorrow!
And if it doesn't kick ass
and you make me look bad,
Mr. Hat is gonna
smack you bitches up!
- Hello there customer.
- Hello, how are you today?
Great. What can I get for you?
Large coffee, small coffee?
I'm actually interested
in something else.
I'm John Poston from the
Harbuck's Coffee Corporation.
Oh, you're that corporate
guy who keeps calling.
That's right. How come
you don't call me back?
All we wanna do is buy
out your coffee shop here.
Oh forget it. My-my
store is not for sale.
My company's prepared to
make you a very generous offer.
This is a
Crampsonite brief case.
All leathered, has four compartments,
and a key with lock. Interested?
I don't think so. My coffee
shop is worth a lot to me.
Alright how about five
hundred thousand dollars?
The answer is still no Mr. Poston.
You see when my father opened
this store thirty years ago,
he cared about only one thing
making a great cup of coffee.
Sure we may take a little longer to brew
a cup, we may not call it fancy names.
I just guess we
care a little more.
And that's why Tweek
coffee is still home
brewed with the finest
beans we can muster.
Yes Tweek coffee is a simpler
coffee for a simpler America.
Well that's to bad.
We're just gonna have
to open our Harbucks
right next door to you.
But that could put
me out of business.
This is a capitalist country
pal. Get used to it.
- Hello Mr. Tweek.
- Hi Officer Barbrady.
- Who was that? - Oh just some
dong. What can I get for you?
The usual.
- Thanks see you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye.
Ok we have to do this
stupid report on so...
So lets figure out
what to do it about.
How about we do it on that Raymond guy
on TV, you know everybody loves Raymond.
No Cartman, we can't
do it on Raymond again.
It has to be on a current event in South
Park. Tweek do you have any ideas?
- This is to much pressure.
- Great. Lot of help you are kid.
- The Gnomes.
- What?
- We can do a report on the
gnomes. - What gnomes?
The Underpants Gnomes. The
little guys that come in your room
real late-late at night
and steal your underpants.
So that's where all my underpants go. - Dude
that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
I've never seen any underpants gnomes.
- They come out at 3:30 in the morning.
Most people aren't up then,
but I am. I can't sleep ever.
Dude we can't do a presentation
on underpants gnomes.
Mr. Garrison will fail
because you're making it up.
Sleep at my house tonight.
I'll prove it to you.
They want me to sell the
store. It's so much money.
Some things are more
important than money.
The people of South Park count on you to
give them that first cup of coffee everyday.
I know, but if they open a Harbucks right
next door we might go out of business.
They really have my
balls in a vice-grip.
Oh hello son.
How was your day?
- That's good. Who are your little
friends? - What do you mean!
- We're his oral report. - Ya. We
have to stay up all night to write it.
Well have some coffee boys.
I'll brew up another pot for later.
Coffee? I don't
think I like coffee.
Oh you'll like this
coffee, it's fresh.
Country fresh, like the
morning after a rain storm.
Kay. Maybe it'll help us figure out
what to do our report on. We have to
present it to the entire South
Park town committee tomorrow.
Oh. I've got one for you. How
about doing a report on how large
corporations take over little
family owned businesses.
- Richard!
- No I'm serious hon.
These boys should learn how the
corporate machine is ruining America.
You see, I own a coffee shop and
now some great, big multimillion-dollar
company is going to move in
and try to take all my business,
which means I may have to shut down
and sell my son Tweek into slavery.
- Slavery?!
- Yes slavery.
- Wow that sucks dude. - They really
have my balls in a salad shooter.
We're already doing a paper on
Tweek's underpants gnomes.
Now Tweek, how many times do we have
to tell you, your underpants are missing
because you lose them not
because of underpants gnomes.
C'mon you guys.
We better get to work.
Ok, but corporate takeovers
is a much more fertile subject.
Honestly Richard, I don't see why you
have to preach to some eight-year-olds.
Actually honey, I think those little tikes
are just what we need. I've got an idea.
- Man, this stuff is strong.
- Kinda bitter.
- What if my parents go out of business?
What'll I do? - Don't worry about it.
But we'll starve and die like dogs. - Tweek,
Tweek, you can always go on welfare.
Look at Kenny's family.
They're perfectly happy being poor
and on welfare, right Kenny? - Fuck you.
You suck Kenny. - Well let's just try and
finish all this coffee so we can stay up.
This stuff rocks.
Totally dude. I feel awesome!
You guys! You guys!
Seriously! I feel great!
- Hey Tweek, do have anymore of
this stuff? - Just some grounds.
KILLER!
Hey let me have some grounds!
Whoa Cartman. Whoopee!
- Oh, my stomach hurts.
- Ya mine too. I wonder why?
Well it's three thirty and I don't any
goddamn underpants gnomes, Tweek.
M-maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm
going insane. Oh no I'm going insane!
Well this is just great. We haven't gotten
anything done and we're totally screwed.
- How's the report
going boys? - Bad.
Oh, do you need
some more coffee?
No… more… coffee.
Well boys, I don't mean to pry, but if
you want it, I wrote your report for you.
- You did!? - Yes, It's all
about corporate takeovers.
- Of course, you don't have
to use it. - No, we'll use it.
Alright, and it can be our little secret
about who wrote it, right? - Sure!
When you kids do the report make
sure you read this part first alright?
- There they are! - Time
to go to work, work all night.
Gotta get underpants we. We won't stop until
we have underpants. Lots of yummy pants we.
You guys look!
Look you're missing it!
They took 'em again!
- Thanks dude.
- My pleasure. Good night boys.
Wow Tweek, your dad rocks.
Why do they torture me like this?!
Why can't they leave me alone?!
- Dammit, what the hell is wrong with you
Tweek? - They took my underpants again.
Soon they'll want
my blood. Blood!
And as the voluminous corporate automaton
bulldozes it's way through bantam America,
What will become of the
endeavoring American family?
I don't think they
wrote this, Mr. Hat.
Perhaps there is no stopping
the corporate machine.
- And that's our report. I guess. - Well
boys it's obvious that you didn't even...
- Great job.
- Yes, great job.
Boys you have really opened our eyes.
We didn't even know this was happening.
- Neither did we. - Well Mr. Garrison it
looks like we were wrong about you.
You really are teaching
these kids something.
Ya well I don't wanna sound like
a dick hole, but I told you so.
I am really moved. I say
we follow these boys' cause.
Let's join them in the fight
against corporate takeovers.
- Lead the way boys.
- It's to much pressure!
Good, good. Now make sure that
sign is really bright and flashy now.
My goodness, that's going to be
a really big coffee house, honey.
Yes it is. They really have
my balls in a juice maker.
Oh hello son,
how did your report go?
I think it went really good.
Those people really go into it.
Really? Well son you might have
just saved the family business,
what do you have
to say about that?
- I need coffee.
- I know how you boys feel.
Sometimes a hot cup of
French Roast Almerato
is just what a man needs
to get him through the day.
That smooth aroma and mild taste is
what makes Tweek Coffee so very special.
Special, like an Arizona sunrise
or a Juniper wet with dew.
A lite rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon
or a hug from your dear old aunt...
- Dad! - What?
- The metaphors, man.
Oh sorry. Here you go.
Hey, do you ever think that maybe
you shouldn't give your son coffee?
- Like how do you mean? - Like look at
him. He's always shaking and nervous.
Oh that. He has ADD,
Attention Deficit Disorder.
That's why he's so
jittery all the time.
Mr. Tweek, we only just heard. - Oh, hello
committee members. What a surprise.
So this is the corporate bulldozer
trying to push you off the map?
Yes, how did you hear? - These boys did
an excellent report for us this morning.
- They're so upset by this
whole thing. - My butt hurts.
Don't worry Mr. Tweek,
this committee is not going to let you
run out of business by these bastards.
You hear that you're not gonna
get away with this you whore!
Excuse me!
Boys, we've talked it over and we want
you to take your case to the mayor.
- Our case? - No man!
That is way to much pressure.
- Oh you'll do fine son.
- C'mon boys, let's go!
Aw man, this sucks.
And we would have never even
known this was happening
if it wasn't for these
boys' excellent report.
You're telling me that students
from Mr. Garrison's class actually did
something that had some kind
of relevance to the world?
That's right.
- Mr. Garrison? The guy
with the puppet? - Yes.
Well, I must say Garrison, perhaps
you aren't as stupid and crazy
as I always tell people you are.
Thank you mayor. I don't want
to sound like a dick hole but I...
Mayor, these boys want that
Harbucks Coffee shut down right now.
Well I can't just shut them down.
This is a free country.
- But they're ruining our city. - The
best I can do is create a proposition.
We'll call it Prop Ten.
The town can vote on it, and if it
passes we'll see what we can do.
- Hurray! - What do you say
boys? We're gonna pass a law.
- Uh, hurray. - So I guess you
wanna do some campaigning.
You can do commercials and thing like that.
We can have a vote in the middle of town,
and obviously if more than fifty
percent of the people show up
and care enough to want Harbucks out,
then they're out. So good luck to you.
- Didn't you see them?!
- Alright what's next?
- Next is issue thirty-seven-D,
missing underpants. - Is it cold in here?
Boys could I have a quick
this and that with you?
Boys I don't know
who wrote that report,
but now that you've convinced
everybody, you better stick with it.
Because if these people find out that
you didn't really write that paper
and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat
is gonna do horrible things to you.
Oh not that Mr. Hat,
that's real horrible.
Anyway, good luck passing
your new law boys.
Jesus man, Jesus!
What are we gonna do huh?!
Live! It's the South Park Town Hall meeting
on Public Access. Tonight's topic, Prop Ten!
Should Harbucks be able to open a store
in South Park? That's tonight's topic.
On my left, five innocent,
starry-eyed boys from middle America.
On my right a big fat, smelly
corporate guy from New York.
- Hey, I'm not fat or smelly.
- Alright Mr. Deuschbag.
Poston. - Pardon me Mr. Ass Face. Anyway
let's hear your side of the argument.
My argument is simple, this country
is founded on free enterprise.
Harbucks is an organization that...
An organization that
prides itself on great coffee!
We simply want to...
Aw to hell with you!
Ok, Arcafé. Now for the other side of the
argument we turn to our young, handsome lads.
Boys your thoughts.
C'mon boys, don't be shy.
What's your principle argument?
This guy sucks ass!
- Great argument.
You win boys. - What?!
That was close Mr. Hat.
What is the future of America? Is it the
money we make? The quests we conquer?
No. It's the children. So what do the
children have to say about Prop Ten?
- I don't like big corporations.
- I like small businesses.
I believe in the family
owned enterprise.
To get back to the
home owned enterprise.
It's time to stop large corporations.
Prop Ten is about children.
Vote yes on Prop Ten
or else you hate children.
You don't hate children, do you?
Remember, keep American
business small or else...
Paid for by citizens for a
fair and equal way to get
Harbucks Coffee kicked
out of town forever.
- Well, what do you think?
- Oh, i-it's great.
- Yes it is. We'll put it on the air
immediately. - What do you think hon?
Hon, what's the matter?
- I have a big problem with this.
- What do you mean?
We're just using those boys for our benefit.
They have no idea what they're saying.
But kids are great to
get people on our side.
You don't just throw a child in a
political commercial to sell your beliefs.
I won't be a part
of this anymore.
Honey, all's fair in love
and war… and coffee.
Hon?
Take your corporate coffee
and go back to New York City!
It's people like you who
are ruining Main Street, USA!
How many Native Americans did you
slaughter to make that coffee, huh?!
Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee.
I'll have to try and apeal to the younger crowd.
Hey kid, I'm Camel Joe and
I love a fresh cup of coffee.
It's yum diddly-icous.
It makes you feel super.
I have a surprise for you. The
new kiddycinno from Harbucks.
More sugar than all
the other goodies
kids like with all the caffeine
of a normal Double Latte.
No Billy. No coffee for you.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Using
cartoons to push caffeine on children.
Why don't you go back to the
hole you crawled out from lady?
Uh, Mr. Poston I think you've got
a lot to learn about making coffee.
Oh, you don't? Your coffee tastes
like three-day-old- moldy diarrhea.
I'm sorry to inform you that this
town is having a vote tomorrow,
and if the law passes you'll
be thrown out of town.
- What?! - At five
o'clock the best coffee wins.
Either your coffee or a fresh
warm cup of Tweek's coffee.
Like an old sweater that keeps
getting warmer with age,
you can count on Tweek's
coffee to start your day.
Tomorrow for the Prop Ten vote
we'll set up ballot booths… here.
Alright and then we'll
put up the stage here.
Before the vote we'll get a band
that everyone likes, like, uh, like...
- like...
- Toto.
Like Toto. And then the Harbucks guy
will have five minutes to speak and
then those boys will have five minutes
to speak and then the town votes.
- Uh boys, you better get your
asses to work. - What now?
They're expecting you to give a
big speech on corporate takeovers
and this time it has
to last five minutes.
- Oh god, when is this gonna end?
- Your dad really screwed us Tweek.
Jesus dude. I'm to blame for all
this. I'm to blame for everything!
- So what are we gonna say? - Why don't
we just read the paper we wrote last time?
Because then they'll we didn't
write it dummy. We have to be original.
Does anybody know
anything about corporations?
- I think my mom is a corporation.
- Ya that makes sense.
- You guys! - How about we say
corporates should be stopped.
- How do we stretch that into five
minutes? - They're taking my underpants!
Will you stop with the underpants
gnome, Tweek? We have to work here.
- What the hell?
- Well I'll be damned.
That's my last pair
of underpants!
- Don't scare him.
- Hey there little guy.
- Bad!
- Cartman! - What?
Why do you always have
to hit stuff with a stick?
Well look at him. He's all…
you know… look at him.
- Is that all you got pussy?
- What?! - Hey he talked.
- Ya he called me a pussy. I'm not a pussy
you're a pussy! - You're a pussy, pussy.
Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
- Ya, look what you're doing to this poor kid.
Stealing underpants, big business. - Business?
Wait, do you know anything about business?
- Sure that's what gnomes do.
- Show us.
Ok. Follow me.
Little pussy gnome.
Don't call me a pussy.
- Not much longer now. - Oh are you
taking us to your little pussy house?
- No Pussy, I'm taking you to my
village. - Oh, your pussy village?
Cartman will you just shut
up and let him show us?
Follow me. - I hope we're not wasting
our time with this little pecker.
Well, it looks like Harbucks will
never make it in this town.
Alright boys. That's it. Pack it
up, we're moving out of town.
But we just finished. - I know. But these
folks obviously don't want us here.
But what will become of us?
Oh quit being so melodramatic,
Sanchez. Jesus Christ.
Damn, dude. This place is huge. - Ya,
It's almost as big as Cartman's ass.
- No it isn't you guys.
- This is where all our work is done.
So what are you gonna do with
all these underpants you steal?
Collecting underpants is just phase
one. Phase one collect underpants.
So what's phase two?
- Hey, what's phase two?!
- Phase one we collect underpants.
Ya, ya, ya.
But what about phase two?
- Well phase three is profit.
Get it? - I don't get it.
You see, Phase one collect
underpants, phase two...
- Phase three profit.
- Oh I get it.
- No you don't fat ass. - Do you guys
know anything about corporations?
- You bet we do. - Us gnomes
are geniuses at corporations.
Jesus, look out!
- Oh my god they killed Kenny.
- You bastards.
Listen we have to give a huge
speech about corporate takeovers.
Holy shit,
we killed your friend.
Look, we gotta know about corporate
takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed.
Christ! We squished him like a bug! - Do you
know anything about corporate takeovers?
- Well we can explain that to you
easily. - Yes, for a price. - What?
- You know.
- Underpants?
Underpants!
Toto ladies and gentlemen!
Alright and now before we all vote yes
on Prop Ten, here to remind us why
are the loveable
innocent children.
Since we are so concerned with the
corporate takeovers, we went and asked
our friends the underpants gnomes and
they told us all about big corporations.
Underpants gnomes? - Big corporations
are good. - What's this? - Good?
Because without big corporations
we wouldn't have things
like cars and computers
and canned soup.
Even Harbucks coffee started
off as a small, little business.
But because it made such great
coffee and because they ran
their business so well, they
managed to grow and grow
until it became the corporate
powerhouse it is today.
And that's why we should
all let Harbucks stay.
That's not what you said last time. - Well the
truth is we didn't write that paper last time.
You little turds! You've
ruined my life for the last time!
These boys are absolutely right.
We've been using these poor kids to pull
at your heart strings for
our cause and it's wrong.
We're as low and
despicable as Rob Reiner.
You keep protesting
and complaining,
but did any of you even bother
to taste Harbucks Coffee?
Harbucks Coffee got to
where it is by being the best.
Don't you think you
should at least try it?
Hey, this is pretty damn good.
Ya it doesn't have that bland, raw
sewage taste that Tweeks Coffee has.
Hey, hey that is good.
- It's a French Roast.
- It's suttle and mild.
Mild like that first flash of sun on an April
morning. This is coffee the way it should be.
Hey, no hard feelings
Tweek. Ya know,
we still need some one to
run this Harbucks Coffe House.
I'm sure it will
make a lot of money.
Thank you Mr. Poston,
but I think we'll be fine
with the money we make
selling our son into slavery.
Just kidding son.
I love you guys.