South Park S05E06 Cartmanland

Captioning made possible by
comedy central
? I'm going down
to south park?
? Gonna have
myself a time?
? Friendly faces
everywhere?
? Humble folks
without temptation?
? Going down
to south park?
? Gonna leave my
woes behind?
? Ample parking
day or night?
? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?
? Headin' on up
to south park?
? Gonna see
if i can't unwind?
? So come on down
to south park?
? And meet some
friends of mine?
And so it is
with heavy hearts
That we say good-Bye
to mabel louise cartman.
She was a good woman,
a community leader,
A caring wife,
providing mother,
And a loving
grandmother.
Mom, it's 3:30,
This is taking up
my whole saturday.
Shh, pumpkin,
it's almost over.
Why couldn't the funeral
have been on a school day?
And now, let us bow our heads
in a moment of silence
And reflect on how
mabel touched our lives.
God, she didn't take
this long to die.
And now we release the doves
to symbolize the lord
Taking mabel into his arms and
giving her everlasting peace.
Peace.
Great,
now can we go?
No, sweetie, we have to tend to
some of grandma's business.
Ohh!
God damn it!
"And so i leave
my stocks and bonds
"Worth an estimated $14.12
To be divided amongst
my loving family."
Mom, i wanna go home!
In a minute, sweetie,
this is important.
"My loving son, stinky, i leave
you the house in nebraska.
Look after it as your
father and i did."
Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
"To my grandson, eric,
"You were always my favorite,
fat little man,
My perfect round little
pudding piler."
Oh god, you have to
embarrass me,
Even in death, grandma.
"For you, eric, i leave,
from my life's savings,
"The sum of
one million dollars
To be transferred
to you immediately."
Whosa-Jigga-What?
A million dollars?
"Eric is the primary
benefactor of my estate
"Since it is likely
the rest of you
Would spend the money
on crack."
Oh my.
That can't be!
Excuse me.
Does this mean i have
one million dollars?
Yes, eric, it's yours.
No way, you don't
understand.
Since i was two years old
it has been my dream
To have one
million dollars.
And now, you do.
Oh.
There you are,
jennifer lopez!
You've been most
uncooperative, miss lopez.
No, please!
I promise i'll never make
another album or movie.
It's too late
for that, miss lopez.
Have mercy!
Yeah-Ha!
Awesome!
You guys, you guys!
Why?
Because!
Nah-Uh.
No, swear to god,
it's true...
You better not
be lying, kenny.
999,400...
999,500...
Damn, dan, i've never
seen that much cash.
Me neither.
999,900...
one million.
Look at it,
look at it, mother.
See how the light reflects the
spearmint green from its surface.
Eric, that is
a lot of money.
Don't you think you should keep it
in the bank instead of at your house?
I'm not keeping it,
mr. Garrison, i'm spending it.
On what?
On my dream,
On the one thing i've wanted
ever since i can remember.
Excuse me, son, i'm
an investment broker,
I can help you
invest that money.
Nah-Uh,
i'm spending it.
Eric, god could sure use that
money for a bigger church.
I think god has
plenty of money.
What the hell are
you doing, fat-Ass?
Not much, just taking my one
million dollars out of the bank.
Oh my god.
Kenny wasn't lying.
Would you mind stepping aside,
i've got a purchase to make.
Dude, can you loan me
20 bucks for a new jacket?
Ha! If you need money
you can get a job, stan!
No freeloaders are gonna
take my hard-Earned cash.
Your grandma left it to you,
you didn't earn it!
Didn't earn it?
What about all the years i spent
making grandma like me?
All the wet, spit-Filled
kisses i put up with.
The constant smell
of aspirin and pee.
Don't tell me i didn't earn it,
you son of a bitch!
No, no,
this is impossible.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
No, i mean this is
impossible, stan.
Cartman is the biggest
asshole in the world.
How is it that god gives him
a million dollars?
Come on, we gotta see what
cartman is doing with his money.
Why, how could you
do this?
There are people
starving in alabama
And you give cartman
a million dollars?
And if we can just get you
to sign here, and here.
You're sure this is what
you want, sweetie?
My own amusement park,
mother, i'm sure.
And now you just
sign here mr. Foon.
I can't do it.
What?
What?
I can't sell this
poor kid my park.
Look, i haven't been
honest with you.
The park hasn't been
doing great business.
Frank, shh.
It ain't right, chris.
The truth is, the park
is a financial flop.
I haven't turned
a profit in years
Because i can't keep
attendance up.
Oh, but i'm not buying the park
to get people to come.
You- You're not?
No, no, no.
I'm buying it to
keep people out!
Don't you see?
Forever it has been my dream to
have my very own theme park,
So that i could be alone in it
all day, every day.
I love theme parks,
but the lines...
Everywhere you go-
People, crowds.
The rides are are great,
But all the lines,
lines, lines!
If there's
one thing i hate,
All the lines, lines,
lines, lines!
And then, there get to be
so many people
That they make "fast pass".
So then there's lines
for fast pass.
You sign in line to get a ticket
to stand in line later.
Then there's lines for the
bathrooms, lines for drinks.
Lines for kartankulas
and rare kartankula plinks.
And so you see,
this park is for me.
Nobody else
will be allowed in.
Oh well, then i guess
i don't feel bad.
Mr. Cartman, congratulations,
the theme park is yours.
Gentlemen, i thank you.
Kyle?
Dude, what are you
doing here?
Everybody's
looking for you.
Kyle?
Do you know what happened
to me this morning, stan?
This morning, i woke up and
felt a sharp pain in my ass.
I felt down there and found
this big sore lump...
On my ass, stan.
I couldn't even
sit down, so,
I had to tell my mom,
which was humiliating.
She took me to the doctor,
which was more humiliating,
And he told me...
i have a hemorrhoid.
It's like an inflicted
blood vessel on your ass.
I'm nine years old and
i have a hemorrhoid, stan.
I have a hemorrhoid
And cartman has
his own theme park.
Kyle, i understand
what you mean, but-
Do you, do you, stan?
Because all my life i was
raised to believe in jehovah,
To believe that we should all
behave a certain way
And good things
will come to us.
I make mistakes, but every week
i try to better myself.
I'm always saying, "y'know,
i learned something today."
And what does this so-Called
god give me in return?
A hemorrhoid.
He doesn't make sense-
What is your logic?!
Ow.
Look, cartman, he thinks
he's gonna be happy
Because he has his own
amusement park,
But he's gonna find out
that without other people
The rides are
totally lame.
I mean, who could really have
fun by themselves at a theme park?
I bet he's
sick of it already.
Yes! Yes!
Awesome!
Ho ho!
Sweet, yes!
Keep your arms and legs
inside the vehicle at all times.
Make sure your seatbelt is
fastened, enjoy the mine shaft!
Heh, heh, heh-Heh.
Yes! Yes!
Oh, cool!
Oh, look how much
fun i had.
Whoa!
Heh, heh, heh.
Waa!
Heh, heh.
Whoa!
Heh, heh, heh.
Ooh, adventure island,
check it out, awesome!
Woo hoo, yeah!
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy!
Oh, hey, dude,
"Terrance & phillip"
is just about to start.
Great.
What's that?
It's my seat ring.
I have to sit on it
because of my hemorrhoid, ow.
Heh, heh.
Sorry.
So, how are things going
at cartman's theme park?
Dude,
just forget about it,
We can't let him
get to us or he wins.
I guess you're right.
Hey, everybody check out
the all-New cartmanland!
It's our grand opening!
Cartmanland has over
100 fabulous rides,
Six roller coasters,
and tons of great surprises.
And the best part is,
you can't come!
That's right,
because at cartmanland
Only i, eric cartman,
can get in.
That means only i can ride the
all-New tornado twister.
A roller coaster that splashes
into water- Wow!
It's the greatest amusement park
in the colorado area.
And nobody can go.
Especially stan and kyle!
Ha, ha, ha!
So come on down to
cartmanland now,
But don't plan on getting
past the parking lot,
'Cause remember:
? So much to do at cartmanland
but you can't come?
Especially you,
stan and kyle.
That does it!
Come on, dude.
Where we going?
We're getting into
that fat-Ass's park
Whether he likes it
or not.
Whoa!
Heh, heh.
Whoa.
Whoa!
Heh, heh, heh.
Oh, man,
that was awesome!
That one part with the spider
that dropped on you,
Oh, man, that totally
got me, that was sweet.
Help, help, help!
Oh, that hurts!
What the hell?
You sons of bitches!
Come on, dude!
Oh, god, i popped it.
Oh, it hurts!
What the hell
are you doing?!
Oh, crap.
Oh, god, get me
off of here.
Dude!
Stan, i have to go home.
I need my cream,
i need my cream!
All right, let's go.
That's right,
you stay out!
You can't keep out forever,
you fat-Ass!
We'll be back as soon as kyle's
hemorrhoid is better.
My life can't
get any worse!
You'll see,
we'll get in.
All right, so listen.
All i want you to do
is keep anybody out
Who tries to get in here.
If you see anybody
on my property,
Especially stan and kyle,
you are to shoot on sight.
So, what does
this job pay?
All right, now this is very hard
for me to do, you understand.
But in return for you
working security
I'll let you ride
two rides a day.
But only two rides and
only if i'm not on them.
Uh, i'm afraid i don't
really like rides.
But, you can ride
anything you want.
And you don't have to
wait in line.
I'm not interested.
Dude, are you from
mars or something?
Any ride you want,
no lines.
If you need security,
i need a cash salary.
But i don't
have any cash,
I spent everything
on this park.
Well, look,
why don't you just let
A couple of people
in each day.
Every day you can just
let two people in,
Charge 29.95 for tickets,
And then you can use that
to pay my daily salary.
Uh, two people!
This place is huge,
you'll never notice two people.
And then you'll have
security for your park.
Well, all right,
god damn it.
I'll open the park to
two people each day.
But remember, anybody else you
see trespassing in the park-
I will shoot on sight.
Sweet.
You're a very
lucky little boy.
I've never seen a
hemorrhoid so infected.
It could've killed you.
Lucky.
Oh, look, kyle, your little
friend stan is here to see you.
Dude, you okay?
Oh, i'm swell, stan.
I popped my hemorrhoid
trying to climb the fence
Into cartmanland
and it got infected.
I really need to go
to the bathroom,
But if i do,
it will pop again
And the pain will
make me pass out.
How are you?
Well, um, i found out
that cartman's letting
A few people each day
into his theme park.
I was thinking we could put
on disguises and get in.
I'm afraid kyle can't ride
any amusement park rides
For over a year because of
his horrible hemorrhoid.
Jesus.
But it's okay, stan, because
i finally figured it out.
You see, if someone like cartman could get
a million dollars and his own theme park,
Then there is no god,
there's no god, dude.
Kyle, don't
say such things!
Why, why mom?
Because if i do, something
bad will happen to me?
Because if i do,
your god might not shower me
With his blessings of
infected hemorrhoids.
Kyle, you just don't
understand, it's-
No, i finally do
understand!
There is no justice!
There is no god!
Do you hear me?!
I renounce my faith!
All right, all right,
listen up, people.
Cartmanland is open, but only
to two people each day.
Ohh!
That's gay.
I've just gotta cover
my security expenses.
Butters, clyde
you can come in.
Oh!
Oh!
Rest of you will just
have to try another day.
Hey, one park admission,
that'll be $29.95 sir.
Five cents
is your change.
Enjoy your stay
at cartmanland.
Oh boy, oh boy!
And enjoy your stay
at cartmanland.
Oh, finally work is over.
Now i can get back to
riding my rides.
? Da-Da-Da
i've got my own theme park?
Hmm, what should
i go on now?
I know, i'll go on the
haunted mansion ride again!
? Da-Da da da
da-Da da-Da-Da?
? Da da-?
What are you doing?
We're in line for
the spook house.
Line? Line!?
I hate lines!
Can't you go on something
else right now?
We want to see
the spook house.
Well, we paid $29.95.
We should be able to
go in the spook house.
Yeah.
But i think
it's broke down.
The cars aren't moving.
All right, all right,
hang on.
Security!
What?
Look, the haunted house
ride broke down.
I need you to fix it.
Ah, i'm security,
not maintenance.
But i don't know
how it works.
Well, your rides are gonna
break down every now and then.
You need to hire
a maintenance person.
Uh, all right, all right.
I'll let two more people
in each day.
So i can hire
a maintenance person.
All right folks, we've had
another change in policy.
I've had to hire
a maintenance person
And to pay his salary,
I have to let in
two more people a day.
However, the stupid
maintenance person
Demanded i have food
and drinks in the park.
So now i've had to hire
a beverage person
And a cotton candy person.
Which means i now have to let
eight people come in a day.
But, you are to
try your best
Not to ride any rides
that i am on.
Understood?
All right, let's go.
Timmy!
Wait a minute,
who are you?
Mike gainer.
Ha, get the hell
out of here, stan!
Goddammit cartman,
let me in!
I thought you said buying
a theme park was stupid.
Security!
It is stupid, cartman.
You made kyle lose his faith
in god, you fat asshole!
Get him out of here.
Move along, sir.
Ah!
This isn't over,
cartman!
Uh!
Well, now i can finally get back
to riding my rides.
Uh-Oh.
Oh man, i'm so scared.
Aah!
Ah!
Aaah!
Just a little more.
There we go.
Hello, kyle,
how's the hemorrhoid today?
Awesome.
Kyle, we want to tell you
about the book of job.
It's a story
from the bible.
I've had enough of the bible,
what has it gotten me?
Oh, i think you'll see
differently after hearing this.
Sit down, kyle.
Ah, okay.
You see, job lived in
the east of jordan
A long, long time ago.
Job was a great man.
He was blessed with
ten lovely children,
A wonderful wife
and many friends.
He was a godly and a good man
and fed the poor.
He was the most upright
and honorable of men.
And every day
he praised god.
But one day,
Satan went up to heaven
and talked to god.
Satan talked to god?
Yes, in the book of job
satan talks to god.
And god says to satan,
"have you seen job?
He is a great man and
he praises me every day."
But satan said,
"oh yeah?
"He only praises you
because you gave him so much.
"If you didn't
give him those things
He would curse
your name."
To which god said,
"Oh yeah?
I'll show you satan.
"I'll take those things
away from job
And he will still
praise my name."
And so, god had a bunch
of barbarians come in
And slaughter job's
ox and donkeys
And murder
all his workers.
Then god sent his fireballs
from the sky
And killed his sheep and
the rest of his employees.
And then as job's sons
and daughters were eating
God sent a mighty wind
to collapse the house
And crushed and
killed them all.
Job was terribly sad
But he felt to
his knees and said,
"The lord giveth and
the lord taketh away."
And praised god's name.
So then, job got painful sores
all over his body.
He was in terrible, miserable
pain all day, everyday.
But he still
kept his faith.
God said to satan,
"See? I told you!
Job still praises me."
And that's it?
That's the end?
Basically.
That's the most horrible story
i've ever heard.
Why would god do such horrible
things to a good person
Just to prove
a point to satan?
Oh, uh, i don't know.
Then i was right.
Job has all
his children killed
And michael bay gets to
keep making movies.
There isn't a god.
And since the stupid security
guard needs video surveillance
I have to let in
two more people a day
To cover those expenses.
Need to cover the new
ticket guy's salary
So that's three more
admissions a day.
Clean-Up crew
for the bathroom
Money to cover
paint and upkeep.
So, that's about
four admissions,
Bringing the grand total to...
God damn it.
816 people can come
into the park today.
Wo-Hoo!
Yeah! Alright!
Welcome to
cartmanland.
Isn't he getting
any better, doctor?
I don't understand it.
He's not fighting the
infected hemorrhoid at all.
It's like he...
Like he's
lost all hope.
Well, if you'll excuse me
I've got some more
tests to run.
And now back to
"money quest" onhbc.
Welcome back to
money quest.
In just over two weeks
Young financial genius
eric cartman
Has managed to
turn a theme park
That was seeing less than
100 attendees a day
Into a thriving park with
attendance in the thousands.
And the way he did it
Was with the brilliant
"you can't come" technique.
For the first
several days
The young businessman
saturated the market
With claims that nobody
could get into his park.
It made the public crazy.
So then, weeks later,
when he opened the doors
They were lining up
around the block.
Simply amazing.
Well, i think
we should point out
That this technique is
already being applied
By businesses
all over the country.
I'm sorry, we're no longer
taking reservations.
Nobody can eat here.
You'll have to
leave now.
No, i'm sorry,
you can't see this movie.
Nobody can see
this movie.
Ican't even go in.
Out!
Nobody is allowed into
"crazy's" anymore!
Get out of here!
Amazing.
Eric cartman is surely the
financial genius of our time.
Uh, uhaah...
Kyle? Kyle?
Get the doctor!
Goddammit,
stop running into me!
Woo-Hoo,
woo- Hooo!
Woo-H- Ack!
Ahhhhh!
My god,
look at it, chris.
That kid completely
turned this place around.
He sure did.
Oh, if i could only have a
park that worked like this.
Hey, there you are.
Oh, hello.
Congratulations
on your success.
Just give me
my money back.
What?
I changed my mind, i don't
want your stupid park.
But it's doing great.
You call this
great?
I call it hell.
Trade me back,
goddammit.
You bet!
I'll go get your money
right now.
Daddy, daddy,
can we ride the rockets?
Goddammit, get the
out of my way!
Isn't he responding
at all doctor?
I'm sorry, your son appears
to be losing the battle.
I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid
has spread to his lungs.
Normally the body
would fight the infection,
But he's, he's just
given up on life.
But then,
are you saying?
There's nothing more
i can do.
Little fella's just
lost his will to live.
Oh kyle! Kyle,
you've got to fight!
Good riddance you stupid park,
you can all kiss my ass!
Excuse me,
eric cartman?
Yeah.
I'm frank gerret
with the irs.
You haven't kept records
of your income or payout
And there's a $500,000
discrepancy.
Seize the assets.
Hey!
Hey, that's my money!
There's also the lawsuit of the
little boy who died in your park.
The family is entitled
to the rest of this.
What, kenny?
He dies all the time!
You still owe $13,000
more than this, mr. Cartman.
We'll see you in court.
You can't take my money,
goddammit!
We know how well
your park is doing.
You'll make it back
in no time.
Ah! But i- Ah!
Hey, hey, mr. Foon,
i changed my mind.
I need the park to
make my money back.
No way, jose.
But i'm getting sued now.
If i don't have the park
i lose everything.
"I don't care,"
said pierre.
I'm from france.
This can't be happening!
Aaah!
Kyle, you gotta
come see!
Kyle is not going to
make it, stanley.
Oh, gerald!
Doctor, can we wheel kyle
out of here on his bed
With the machines attached?
Well, i supposed it
could be rigged, but i...
Then damn it, man,
do it!
It isn't fair!
You goddamn assholes,
it isn't fair!
Look kyle, look.
You just build me up to
knock me down, didn't you?!
What about my dreams?
What about my money?
Huh?
I'm so pissed off!
Move along, sir.
You are vandalizing
private property.
Hey, you used to
work for me!
Goddammit,
you son of a bitch!
Kyle.
He's coming back.
That's it baby,
that's it.
Oh goddamnit,
this sucks!
Wait a minute, yes,
The hemorrhoid is
going into remission.
Arrrrrr rrr!
Look kyle, cartman
is totally miserable,
Even more miserable
than he was before
Because he's had his dream
and lost it.
It's not fair!
It's not fair,
i wanna die!
I wanna die!
Youareup there.