South Park S03E12 Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery

We're here live at the KOZY 102.1
Hallween Haunt at the South Park docks!
Come on down! We've
got a haunted house
and everyone is decorating for
tomorrow night, HALLOWEEN,
when the band KoRn, that's
right, KoRn, is going to play live!
And don't forget to wear
a costume tomorrow,
because there's a big first prize!
Why, here's some kids enjoying
the Halloween Haunt now!
Say boys, what do you think of
KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far?
This one time, like eight months ago,
I saw two guys kissing in a park.
And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen,
until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.
Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy
the spooky docks, kids.
Hey you guys! You know what time of year
it is? - Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
That's right, and that means only
two more months till Christmas!
You'd better watch out,
you'd better not cry...
Christmas?
Christmastime is presents for me.
Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't
no whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.
- Spooky Laboratory, you guys.
- Those things are stupid, Cartman.
They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti
and tell you it's intestines and stuff.
Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory.
I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow
me to show around the lab. - Cool!
Here I have a bowl
of human eyeballs.
- And here you can feel the
brains. - Oh-HO, grohoss.
And here you can feel the
warm innards of the body
Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti!
You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
You guys, I'm gonna try and
win that costume contest!
Give it up, Kenny! You're not
gonna win that costume contest!
Your costumes always suck.
We scared you, chickens!
- W-we weren't scared!
- Oh no? Well, you should be!
- The pirate ghosts are gonna
come getcha! - The what?
Didn't you know? There's
an old legend in South Park
that says these docks are
haunted by pirate ghosts.
They roam these docks with
their swords and hook-hands
looking for victims to cut up!
That's just an old legend.
Gotcha again.
Just wait till tomorrow! We're
gonna scare you kids to death!
You guys, my hand totally smells
like spaghetti now. Smell it.
I'm sick of those fifth graders
scaring us all the time!
We should come up with
a way to scare them!
Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
Joining me now is Father Maxi,
from the South Park Church.
Father, what do you think of all the
preparations here at the docks?
Halloween is an abomination of God!
A celebration of the occult-eh!
Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big
concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, huh?
KoRn is a devil-worshipping
group that plays violent music!
If we allow that demon band to play
on this most unholy of holidays,
we may incur the full wrath of evil!
Alright, we'll see you
tomorrow for Halloween!
In the meantime here's a
KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.
Come on, you guys, think! How
can we scare the fifth graders?
It has to be
something reeaally scary.
We could get a big scary plastic spider,
and dangle it in front of them on a string…
spooky spider, that's pretty scary.
That's not scary, fatass!
Well, come on! We can think of something
better than stupid pirate ghosts!
- Are you sure we're goin'
the right way? - I don't know.
This map doesn't
make any sense.
That's because you've got it
upside down, chowderhead!
When are we gonna get
to the gig? I'm starving.
Don't think about it. We'll just
keep playing our game. Raady?
I spy with my little eye something
that begins with the letter T!
I know! A t-ree!
You've got it. I spy
with my little eye
something that begins
with the letter R.
- A road?
- That's it!
Okay, here's one.
I spy with my little eye something
that begins with the letter P.
- The letter P? - What the
heck starts with the letter P?
Pirate ghosts!
Mom! You got the
new Duffy's catalog!
I-I'm gonna circle everything
I want for Christmas, okay?
Mom? Okay?
O-kay, let's see.
I waant… thiis… aand… this…
Eric, your little friends are here.
Mom, mom! You wanna see
what I want for Christmas?
E-heric, it's only Halloween.
That's only 72 shopping
days left for you!
- Come on, fatass, we have to go!
- Ey! Don't call me fat!
- Mom, don't laugh.
- I'm sorry, hon.
- I can't go with you guys right now.
- Yes you can, porky.
Mom, seriously!
Oh, that's not funny, boys.
Eric isn't fat, his big-boned.
He must have a huge
bone in his ass, then.
God-damnit, mom!
God, I hate you guys!
Okay, so we figured out how
to scare the fifth graders.
- How? - What's the
scariest thing we could get?
- Spooky spider?
- No! A dead body.
Yeah, fatass, a dead body.
You mean, we make something
that looks like a dead body?
We could never make one
that looks real enough.
To be really scary,
it would have to be real.
Yeah, fatass, it has
to be real to be scary!
So where the hell are we
going to get a dead body?
We're gonna dig up
Kyle's dead grandma.
Yeah, fatass, we're goona dig up...
Dig up Kyle's dead grandma?
Dude, she's perfect. She only died, like,
three months ago, right? - Are you insane?!
Hi think that's a sweet idea!
Dude! We'er not digging up my
grandma; I'll get in trouble.
All we have to do is sneak
in the graveyard, dig her up,
scare the fifth graders, then put her
back before anyone notices she's gone.
- Naww, let's dig up somebody else.
- Relax, dude. What's the big deal?
Think about it: if your grandma
knew that she could help you,
even in death,
she would want to.
This is gonna be fun!
Just hear those sleigh bells
jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' too.
Outside it's lovely weather for a sleigh
ride together with you, and you, and you.
Cartman, will you stop
singing Christmas carols?
We have to be quiet, or else
we're gonna get busted!
This must be it.
Cleo Broflovski.
That's my grandma.
- Well, let's dig 'er up!
- Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
Of course it's cool! She's
gonna be all rotted and scary!
I don't think my mom
would want me doin' this.
"I don't wanna dig up my dead grandma
'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!"
You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna
get back at the fifth graders or not?!
- I don't really care, dude.
- Yes you do! Now, dig!
Outside the snow is falling and
friends are calling, "You-hoo"…
Okay. It's almost open.
Ready? One, two, three!
- Whoa, dude.
- Oh, my God.
Hi… Grandma.
Hi, Kyle.
Have you been a good boy, Kyle?
Have you been making Grandma proud?
- Damnit, Cartman, that's not
funny! - Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.
Heh heh, I'm sweet.
Alright, alright, let's get this
over with so we can put her back!
Okay, grab the sled.
Silver Bells, Silver Bells,
it's Christmas time in the city…
Okay. Let's just hide her here, and
tomorrow, during the Halloween party
we'll come back in our costumes and
use her to scare the fifth graders.
How exactly are we gonna
use her to scare them?
We could shove a stick up her
ass and use her like a puppet!
I'm scary Grandma!
Alright, that does it, Cartman!
That's my grandma!
You show her some
God-damned respect!
- Who was that? - Cartman?!
- It wasn't me!
Dude, not cool. This is scary.
Hey! Like, it's just some kids.
I was really scared
there, for a second.
Hay, you're that band KoRn.
Yeah. I'm Jonathan, and this is
Munky, David, Fieldy, and Head.
And over there is our pal, Nibblet.
Hey, where'd Nibblet go?
Nibblet likes potato chips.
Nibblet!
What are you guys
doing out here?
We were just driving our van when
all of a sudden we were run off the
road by some super-spooky
pirate ghosts.
Aw, dude, that was
just the fifth graders.
Yeah. They're tryin' to scare
everybody 'cause they're gay wads.
Don't worry. We're about
to go get 'em back.
Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here
tomorrow. Do you know where the stage is?
- Yeah, dude. It's right
over there. - O-kay!
Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to
play the Halloween concert tomorrow.
I know who you are and
what you stand for!
I think your music and
Halloweenn is an abomination!
Groovy! Could you show
us where to set up?
Alright, let's just set her over
here behind these boxes.
Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
- Kyle, will you stop worrying? God!
Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow
with our costumes, and then,
when the Halloween party gets going,
we'll bust out dead Grandma! Let's go!
Wait till you guys see my
costume! It's gonan be sweet!
Mine is so fuckin'
badass it's gotta win now!
Oh, come on, Kenny! You never
have a sweet costume!
You're not gonna win
the costume contest!
Yes I am! I've got the costume;
it's waiting in the house!
Yesterday I got this huge package
in the mail, and it was big, okay?
Hold on, kids.
Mrs. Broflovski?
We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery.
Could we have a word with you?
Eehh, sure, come in.
What is it?
Ms. Broflovski… somebody has
defiled your mother's grave.
Defiled? How?
Well, I'm afraid that…
somebody dug her up.
Dug her up? Why?
Well. The most
likely reason is that…
somebody wanted to have
sex with her dead body.
We don't want to upset
you, but it happens.
Somebody's probably making
love to her corpse as we speak.
Every vile position, every
disrespectful act imaginable.
Hoh, dear God!
Yes. By now he's probably
even removed her eyes
and made love to the
empty sockets as well.
No, we don't want to upset
you, but you should know
that your mother's body
would be stiff and dry,
so he would have to have it
soaked in warm water
for several hours
before making love to it.
- Yes. And, now for the
difficult part. - Brace yourself.
It is highly possible that he has created
new orifices in her decomposing flesh,
leaving her to look something like an over
loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably...
Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell
me what you're gonna do about it!
- Do? - Oh, we don't do anything.
We're just the watchmen.
Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might
wanna call the police or something.
Now, he probably would make love to
the dead body in a cool dry place,
so as not to allow
further decomposition.
Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
A package? Oh, really?
Well, I think I can sign for that!
Sign heah, and heah, and heah.
I got a Christmas present!
I got a Christmas present!
Maybe I can see what it is.
I'll just open one little corner.
That's good,
I'll rewrap it later!
Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up
Antonio Banderas love doll!
With realistic geni-ta-lia.
Oh, this kicks ass! What a cool
Christmas present my mom got!
It's Halloween day, so come on down
to the docks and bring your costumes!
Where's Kenny? He said he had
the best Halloween costume ever.
Guess wha-at I got?
Antonio Banderas blow-up doll.
You guys didn't get one.
Where's your costume, fatass?
Screw Halloween, I already
got my Christmas present!
In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and
then when I open it on Christmas,
I'll act all, like, surprised, like:
"Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized
blow-up doll! What a surprise!"
Hey, Kenny.
Hey, guys. Uh, check out
this kick-ass cool costume.
U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you
think you're gonna win with that, huh!
Alright. The fifth graders are gonna
be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma!
This is gonna be sweet!
- Uuh, problem, guys.
- What's the problem?
- Nno Grandma.
- No Grandma?
- Nno Grandma. - She's not
here! - She has to be here!
Well, she's not here!
That's just great!
Thanks a lot, Stan! You're
gonna get me busted again!
Okay, people. I know we all want to get
down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt
but first we just need to inform you
about thee people or persons out there
digging up bodies to have
sex with them. Gentlemen?
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
A person who steals bodies to have
sex with them is called a necrophiliac.
So that you all know what to expect,
my partner Alan has draw a sketch
of what having sex with
a dead body might look like.
Yes, we know it's horrible. It's
probably best you not look at it.
Now, Alan will demostrate what having
sex with a dead body might sound like.
Excuse me, how is this helping?
That's it, folks. Now, we can all go to the
docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt.
Noo! Don't go to the docks!
I'm Captain Bly!
You land-lubbers had better
stay away from the docks!
Or else, there'll be hell to pay!
Fire the cannon!
We won't warn ya again!
Stay away from our docks!
I warned you! I told
you this would happen!
When you allow bands like
KoRn to come to town
and play your hedonistic Hallowen
concerts, this is what you get!
Great rehearsal, gang.
That was really groovy.
Let's practice one more time
before the show starts.
Guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween
Haunt's been cancelled. - Cancelled?
You best clear out of here! There's
pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you.
Well gang, it looks like
we have to pack it up.
God-damnit! Now, what
the hell are we gonna do?!
Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
Wow! Is that the Antonio
Banderas life-sized blow-up doll?
Hey, Kenny.
Say, what's the matter?
You kids look kind of glum.
- Somebody took my
dead grandma. - What?
We dug her up 'cause we
wanted to scare the fifth graders,
but then, something
took her body away.
Now she's doomed to
walk the earth in limbo.
Aw, I hate to see
little clowns cry.
Well, that does it. Somethin'
funny is going on here.
Your missing grandma must be connected
somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
They're not pirate ghosts,
Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
"Pirate ghost" would suggest that
a pirate died, and became a ghost,
but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later
made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts,
because they're the ghosts of pirates.
You're wrong, because there
were no pirates in Colorado.
So these must be ghosts that have
decided to become pirates after the fact.
- But that makes them pirate ghosts.
- No. It makes them ghost pirates.
Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting
isn't gonna solve anything.
Don't you see? This is exactly what
those ghost pirates want us to do.
Pirate ghosts.
Then, you'll help us?
Sure, we'll help you. If there's one thing
we like more than playing music,
it's solvin' a groovy mystery.
Al-right!
Is everybody okay?
People stealing bodies to have sex with
them? Pirate ghosts destroying the town?
When did everything go so wrong?
I hate to say it, but I think Priest
Maxi was right. This is what we get
for celebrating Halloween and
allowing that band KoRn to come play.
He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong in this
town before that evil KoRn band showed up.
Well, I say we go find them and kick their
devil-worshipping butts out of town!
Lynch mob!
So this is where you last
saw your dead grandma?
Right. Maybe there really are pirate
ghosts and they took her inside.
Alright, gang, we have to
split up and look for clues.
How should we split up?
I know. Let's have everyone who
enjoys having obstacles in their life,
which they can
overcome, go this way,
and everyone whose
insecurities sabotage
their potential to overcome
those obstacles go that way.
Okay!
Wow! That was easy.
Here's their van!
Here's their van!
- Let's flip it over! - Okay,
people, let's try to stay orderly.
The best way to do this is, all get on
one side and push it from the top.
Devil woshippers!
Come on, they gotta be
around here somewhere!
This place gives me the creeps.
Say, this looks like a clue.
"Pirate Lore of South Park".
Now, why would pirate ghosts
need a book on pirates?
Whoa. What was that?
The noise came from in here.
Stay close, everybody!
Oh, no! I lost my glasses.
What does this dead
grandma look like?
Uh, she was all, like, crunchy
and crispy and stuff.
Hey, I got an idea.
We should set a groovy trap.
Good idea.
How do we trap a
bunch of pirate ghosts?
We need something that might catch
their eye to use as bait. I know!
Your Antonio Banderas love doll.
Oh, no! This is my
Christmas present!
If anything happens to it, my
mom will know I opened it early!
Come on, kid. We all have
to do our part, even Antonio.
My glasses gotta be
around here somewhere.
Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm
glad to see you. I lost my glasses.
Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?
Yeah, that sounds like a groovy
song, man! Remember that one!
Fieldy, what are you doing?!
Oh, I was talking
to you, Jonathan.
Hey, wait a minute.
If you're over there, then how could you
be over here? Unless you're actually a…
Puh-puuhh pirate ghost!
Okay. Here's how
the trap will work.
When the pirate ghosts walk in, they
should go right for Antonio Banderas.
When they hit the super-slippery floor,
they'll slide onto this mining cart,
which should travel down
this path, into the next room,
where the fish net
will fall on them.
Wow, cool!
- Hey! Somebody's coming.
We've got to hide!
Hey, there's Antonio
Banderas! He'll help us.
Jonathan, no!
Hold on, guys!
lright, KoRn, time for
you to get out of town!
KoRn is sending their
demon minions upon us!
Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna
have to use our special KoRn powers.
KoRn powers, vitalize!
Form of… CORN!
Alright! Great job, gang!
- That didn't help at all.
- We know. It's just cool to do.
Nibblet!
What the hell is that thing?
You did it, Nibblet!
You trapped them!
Yeah. And now let's see who
these pirate ghosts really are!
Oh, I guess they really
were pirate ghosts.
Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic
shenanigans and come downtown with me!
Hehey, look what Nibblet sees.
- What the…?
- Fr. Maxi?
Well, what are you waiting for,
Barbrady?! Arrest that band!
No! Arrest him!
I think I've got this
groovy mystery solved!
Well, I must say I
still don't get this at all.
It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't
want there to be a Halloween,
so he decided to scare
everyone away from the docks.
Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and
some cotton swabs to create the ghosts.
Then all he needed was some sound effects
created by this cup and a piece of cheese.
And all he had to do then
was create a ghost ship,
by using some candles,
a mirror, and two squirrels.
Father, why did you
go to all this trouble?
Because Halloween is
an abomination of God.
I would do anything to stop
this wretched, unholy holiday!
Including killing people and
wreaking havoc all over South Park?
Don't you see that by
trying to stop Halloween
you've scared the hell
out of everybody? - No.
Okay buddy, you can
explain downtown!
Well, this is all fine and good,
but it doesn't explain what
happened to my mother's body!
Yeah! Where's Grandma?
There she is!
Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn
powers really came through for us!
Yes! We were wrong about you. Will
you please play for our Halloween party?
Well, sure. Why the
heck not? - All right!
Oh, no! The pirate
ghosts are back!
Nibblet!
Well, this sure has been a wacky night,
but me and the gang learned
a lot, and we hope you did too.
You all perceived us to
be mean, evil people,
but, really, we're just
normal guys. And we all
perceived pirate ghosts to be real when,
actually, they were just cotton swabs.
So I guess the lesson is:
it's easy to perceive somethin'
someway, and then be wrong.
So we all need to learn to
be a little less perceptive.
The gang and I wrote a song about it, and
it goes goes a little somethin' like this:
And a-one, and-a-two, and a...
Sweet!
Antonio, no!
You son of a bitch chicken from
outer space thing, come back here!
And the winner of the
costume contest is:
Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!
Come on up, Wendy.