South Park S03E04 Tweek vs. Craig

This is shop class!
My name is Mr. Adler! For the next week,
rather than your normal school work,
you will be learning
how to make things!
Now, does anybody know
why you are in shop class?!
Because we had to choose between this and
Home Ec and we didn't want to be sissies?
Wrong! You are here,
because you are America's future!
You may someday be doctors
or lawyers or scientists!
Most of you however will be
pumping gas or cutting sheet metal!
And that's why
we have shop class!
Now, let me make
one thing crystal clear!
I don't like kids
that screw around!
You screw around in shop class,
you could loose a hand or
an arm! I have a... I have a...
Mr. Adler?!
I was just saying that I want to know who's
the biggest troublemaker in your class!
- Tweek is!
- No I'm not!
Yeah you are, Tweek!
You always get in trouble!
Uh, hello! Excuse me, but Craig is
the biggest troublemaker in our class!
That true, Craig? You
a troublemaker? - No!
Well, you better not be,
because in shop class y...
- Hey! Did you just
flip me off?! - No.
- Yes you did!
- Told ya!
Dude, shop class sucks! Maybe
we should've taken home ec!
No way, dude!
Home ec is for girls!
Welcome to Home Ec!
For the next week, you will
be learning how to bake,
sew, clean, and make things
that are lacey and pretty!
- Yes, Wendy? - I requested to be
in shop class, but they sent me here!
That's right,
Wendy! You see,
some of you girls will go on to
have interesting jobs and careers,
but all of you pretty ones
won't have to worry about that,
because you can marry a nice man,
and that's why we have Home Ec!
Wonder why Kenny didn't
wanna take shop class!
I don't know! He's such a wus!
Hey! Don't screw around!
You screw around too much!
You know, y'guys were totally wrong
about Tweek! Craig is way worse than he is!
No he's not,
dude! Craig is a wus!
Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a
fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass!
- You wanna bet?
- Yeah, I'll bet!
- How much?
- Five bucks!
You're on!
Hey, Tweek! Dude, Craig chooses
you! He wants to fight! - He does?!
Yeah! He's all pissed off at you,
so will you fight him? - Why?!
Dude, because you have to stand up
for yourself! So will you fight him?
He doesn't look like
he wants to fight me!
Craig, can I talk
to you real quick?
Eh, just a second! Jus...jus.
I'm not normally want to get
involved in this kind of thing, but,
well I was just standing over by Tweek and
he called you a big poop eater! - He did?!
Yes! He said you eat
poop and it makes your
breath smell like poop
and that... well... you like it!
- Why would he say that?!
- I don't know, Craig! I don't know!
But, now he's over there telling everybody
that you're a poop eater and he chooses you!
- Well, I gotta go over there and...!
- No! No, Craig!
Y-you can't fight him here!
Mr. Adler will just break it up!
Tell ya what! I'll go tell him
that you accept his challenge
and set it up for
after school instead!
Okay!
- There! You see? He just
flipped you off! - What a jerk!
- He's really got it out for you,
dude! - Why! Wha'did I do?!
- So, do you agree to fight
him after school? - I guess so!
Super! See ya there!
Catch me, Richard!
I'm so in love with you, Richard!
I made you some cookies, Richard!
Merry Christmas, Richard!
Oh, Richard! Say we will
be this happy forever!
Oh, why?! Why?!
Mr. Adler! Mr. Adler!
S-stop screwing around!
The bell rang! Can we go?
- Whoa! Uh well, sure! Uh, class
dismissed! - C'mon, you guys!
This is gonna be sweet, dude!
You guys are so wrong about Tweek!
He's gonna get his ass kicked! - We'll see!
- Why don't we just raise our bets
to TEN dollars?! - You're on, fatass!
Well, well, well! Look who's here! Our
little home economics friend, Kenny!
Hi, you guys! What's going on?
- How come you wanna take home ec,
Kenny?! - Yeah! That's not cool, dude!
Bye, Kenny! See ya tomorrow!
Hey, what's going on?!
- Tweak and Craig are gonna
fight! - Really?! Cool!
It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both
went home about fifteen minutes ago!
What?! - Yeah! They left!
- Hell! - Those sons of bitches!
- I guess they don't wanna fight! - They
wanna fight! They just don't know it yet!
Wha'd'ya guys want?!
How come you didn't show
up to the fight, Tweek?!
Craig and I have no
reason to fight each other!
- Well, Craig showed up!
- He did?!
Yeah! He was standing
there waiting for you
and he was all like: "Man! Tweek's a wus!"
and we were all like: "No he's not, Craig!"
and he was all like: "Yeah he is!
He isn't showing up!
He's a wus and he
has crooked teeth!".
I don't have crooked teeth!
And then, Craig was all like "Tweek
is scared of me! He's a big chicken"
and he started doing an
impersonation of you being a chicken.
So everybody
in the world saw it!
- Everyone in the world?!
- Yeah! It was weak!
- I'm not a chicken! - Well, everyone in
the world thinks you are! See ya, Tweek!
- Wait! I'll fight!
- Tomorrow?!
Craig, what the hell are you doing home?!
You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
Red Racer's on! - Craig, you can watch
Red Racer any day of the week!
I do watch Red Racer
every day of the week!
Well, that's fine! I guess you don't care
about what Tweek said about your mom!
Goddammit!
Oh! I guess you don't care about what
Tweek said about your guinea pig!
What?! What did he
say about Strype?!
Oh, nothing except that you stick
it up your ass before you go to bed!
That son of a
bitch! I'll kill him!
Yeah, I'd be pissed too! So maybe we
should re-schedule the fight for tomorrow!
- After Red Racer!
- After Red Racer, of course!
How was school today, son?
That's great!
Dad! If some kid at school wants
to fight me, what should I do?!
Son, let me tell you a little story about
when your mother and I first met!
You see, a long time ago, there were a
lot of guys who were after your mother!
And she used to be very attractive!
It's true! I was!
When I started
courting your mother,
there was this big muscular
football player named Quid
who didn't take too kindly to me!
He wanted your mother all to himself!
And so one day, he
challenged me to a fight!
- Well!
- Well what, honey?
What happened?!
- I don't know! He moved away or
something! - Yes, I think that's right!
You guys never help me!
Your stories never go anywhere!
I hate it! I want out! I want out!
Dad! I'm supposed to
get in a fight tomorrow!
- With who?
- Some kid! - Oh!
- Don't just "Oh!" him, Thomas!
- Don't just "Oh!" me!
I'll "Oh!" whoever I want!
Well, that was fun,
Pearl! Se ya later!
- Richard, aren't you going
to invite me in? - Why?
Well, I thought maybe you would at
least attempt to make love to me tonight!
I can't! I-I left the oven on!
Oh, Richard! Why can't you
open your heart to me? Why?!
Because I can't! Oh,
I know! I have genetal warts!
- We'll use plastic wrap! - Nope!
Sorry! Maybe some other time!
Swing me, Richard!
Swing me higher!
I wanna touch the sky, Richard!
Richard, I'm here! Just now!
Oh, Richard, it's beautiful! Yes!
But you have to come see
me glide tomorrow, Richard!
I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard!
I'm a pilot! It's what I do!
Oh, now! What am I gonna do!
Okay! So, just to set
the records straight here,
the fight will be happening out
by the tetherball pole at 3:30.
Tweek just weighed in
at 48 pounds, Craig at 45!
Uh, how long do you
expect the fight to last?
However long
Craig wants it to last!
Ma-Make no mistake! Craig has been
ready for this fight since day one!
He doesn't even
view it as a challenge!
He'll view it as a challenge when
he's getting his ass kicked!
Huh, did you hear that?
It sounds like diarreah
comming out of someone's mouth
or something! - Shut up, fatass!
Don't call me fat,
you son of a bitch!
Wow! Tweek and Craig really hate each
other, huh! This will be a good fight.
On your first day,
look at the man's shoes!
Sometimes you can tell how much
money a man has just by his shoes!
When he takes
you out to dinner,
try to sneak a peek at his
wallet while he pays for you.
If he only has one
credit card, beware!
It means he doesn't spend a lot, and
worse yet, it could be a debit card!
If he has more than four credit
cards, that's a little fishy!
The perfect number of credit cards
for a man to have is two! Yes, Bebe!
What if we meet a guy who
wants to be a doctor or lawyer,
but is still getting his degree?
Dump that zero and
get yourself a hero!
He could be earning
that degree all his life
while you starve to death with two
dying babies sucking at your teats!
When I have you guys' ten bucks,
I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest
big-screen TV in the world!
That's more than ten
bucks, you stupid fatass!
Well, if I get ten
bucks from each of you,
that's like two thousand dollars!
- Hey! Quit screwing around back there!
You're horsing!
Swing me, Richard!
Swing me higher!
Richard, I'm here!
Oh, Richard, It's beautiful! Yes!
But you have to come see me glide tomo-
rrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot!
It's all for you.
- Mr. Adler! MR. ADLER!
- Huh?! Uh, what!
Tommy stuck his face
in the belt sander!
The belt sander?!
Tommy, I told you not to screw
around with the belt sander! didn't I?!
Well, go on! Go see the nurse!
She'll give you some peroxide!
What's that?!
Huh?! Oh, this is a woman
that I knew a long time ago!
What?! She died or something?!
What!? Hey! Go on! You're
screwing around in here!
Oh, boy! Here we go!
- What's happening?! - Tweek's
gonna fight Craig! - Oh, cool!
Stay pissed, Tweek! Stay Pissed!
Alright! Here we go!
Time for you to get
proven wrong, fatboy!
You're gonna be eating
those words, asshole!
No, I won't, becasue you'd
eat them first, tubby!
Well?!
Come on!
Yeah! If you're
gonna do it, do it!
Wha'do we do?
Wha'do you mean, wha'do
you do? Just fight each other!
- How?!
- How?!
- I've never been in a fight
before! - Me neither!
Aw, dude! Come on!
You just hit each other!
Smack each other around!
- Ah! Well, not like that!
- Like what, then!
Alright, alright!
Screw this! We have to postpone the fight
so Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight!
- All that build-up for nothing! - Yeah,
Christ! I could've been home by now!
Alright, Tweek! We'll teach you how to
fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig!
Well, I don't think that's very fair! If I
teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek!
Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm gonna have my
Uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!
Boxing's scary y'guys! I'm gonna
have Craig learn martial arts!
- Fine! We'll see you back
here tommorrow! - Fine!
Fine! That's fine!
Alrighty, Tweek!
My little nephew Stanley has asked me
to teach you the fine points of boxing!
You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state
champion until a granade blew his arm off!
Mmmmm...I can still kick ass!
Now, Tweek!
Boxing is a man's sport!
There's nothing in the
world more man than Boxing.
It is man at his most man!
So when you spar with Ned here, just dig
deep into that most man part of you!
Well, enough of the
lectures! Let's get to boxing!
What'chyou got, beeatch?
Keep your guard up, Tweek!
C'mon, Tweek!
He's only got one arm!
Alright! Looks like we'll have to apply the
Offendheimer Technique for Tweek here!
Mmmm... What'chyou got, beeatch?
Punch him in the balls, Tweek!
Atta boy!
Now, quick! Hit him
again while he's down!
Good! Now, kick his balls!
There! See?! You got
him coughing up blood!
Now, that's boxing!
Your friend has brought you to
learn the ancient art of Sumo!
You must learn
dicipline and respect!
In Sumo, your body must be like a
stone, and your mind like meatloaf!
The object is simply to push
opponent out of circle!
- Is opponent ready?!
- I'm ready!
God! I like this hair thing!
This is cool!
Let us begin!
Ready!? And begin!
Respect my authoritah!
Body like stone!
Mind like meatloaf!
Oh! C'mon, you!
Oh, Jesus! I can't take it!
Fight back! Resist the ass!
- How can I resist it?! Ass so great!
- It is only an ass!
You must overcome
the ass with your mind!
This ass is not like any
I've encountered, master!
I win!
There is indeed great
power in your ass, Eric!
Perhaps you should concider
Sumo as a profession!
Hey, maybe!
No! No! Make it stop!
Oh, Richard! Say we'll
be this happy forever!
But you have to come see me glide tomo-
rrow, Richard! I have a surprise for you.
Don't worry, Richard! I'm a pilot!
Watch me, Richard!
Ani jsem jí neøekl sbohem.
Oh, no! Now what do I do!
Okay! That was very good, class!
Now, let's try this one together!
"Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?"
"Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?"
Alright! Now, let's
try this one together!
"Lisa Smith's husband
just bought HER a new car!"
"Lisa Smith's husband
just bought HER a new car!"
Good! Bebe, why
don't you try this one!
"I think a trip to Hawaii would
really improve our sex life!"
"I think a trip to Hawaii would
really improve our sex life!"
Outstanding! Now, Kenny!
How 'bout you try?!
"I can't make love to you
until we get a king-size bed!"
Okay! Kenny, could I talk to
you over here real quick?
Kenny, I don't quite
know how to tell you this,
but I'm not sure Home
Economics is right for you! - No!
Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory,
your sewing skills are below average,
and frankly, I don't think
the odds of you marrying
a nice rich man in the future are
very... well... good! - They're not?!
No! I think you should concider
transferring to shop class! - Shop Class?!
Now, now! Very few students
are severely injured in shop class!
I DON'T WANNA GO
TO SHOP CLASS!!!
C'mon! It's time for the fight!
Fight?! Oh, no, no, no! Girls!
Haven't I taught you anything?!
Okay! The time has finally come!
Programs! Get your
programs here! Programs!
Remember, Tweek!
Punch hard, punch low!
This is when you gotta
get mean, Tweek!
Mean! Aah!
The spirit of the dragon is in your hand!
Hersherdeshurta. Hurlonghurta.
- Alright?
- Okay!
Now, listen to me!
Herterdeterter!
Alright! I'm seriously!
Herpangdepongtonqwa!
Y'ready, Tweek?!
Y'ready, Craig?! Let's get it on!
Respect my authority!
C'mon, Tweek!
C'mon, Craig!
To whom it may concern.
I can no longer live without her!
I could not say goodbye to her, and so
now I must say goodbye to all of you!
For I am all out of nicotine gum!
Sincerely yours,
Richard Adler. Shop Class.
P.S. Don't screw around!
You all screw around too much!
Goodbye, cruel world!
Jesus Christ!
What was I thinking?!
That would've hurt like hell!
Kick Ass!
Go, Tweek! Kick his ass!
C'mon, Tweek! You got him!
- Whoa, Tweek! Did you
hear that?! - What?!
Craig just called you a boner!
We just have to keep
thowing gas in the fire!
Hey! This shop class?!
- What?! Who are you?!
"Kenny McCormic has been transferred
from Home Ec to Shop Class."
Well, alright! Get some safety goggles and
making a corner with the jigsaw over there!
- What the...!
- There they are!
Hey! What's going on?!
Tweek and Craig are fighting!
We're just watching!
- Well, why the hell don't you stop
them?! - He has ten bucks riding on it!
Don't screwing around!
Stop screwing around!
Hey! You're screwing
around too much!
- Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
- You Bastards!
Oh, don't just stand there!
Call an ambulance!
You see?! You see what happens when
you screw around in shop class?!
What?! What's that, son?!
No! No! Please don't go! I need
you! I can't live without you!
Richard! You have to move
on! I want you to be happy!
But, I can't! I never
got to say goodbye!
Then say it now, Richard!
Goodbye?
- There! Now do you feel better?
- No.
Of course, you don't! Saying
goodbye doesn't mean anything!
It's the time we spent together that
really matters, not how we left it!
You...You're right!
You're right!
Richard, this is Grandma!
Grandma? Hi, Gram!
You never said
goodbye to me either!
Hey, Richie! Remember me?!
Uncle Corey! Wow!
You're all alive again!
No, we're dead!
I love you, Richard!
See you soon!
Thank you! Thank you for freeing
me! I feel like now I can move on!
Baby, I feel so much better! I feel so
alive! Thank you, Baby! Thank you!
Dude! this is pretty
fucked up right here!
Hi! We're here to visit our
good friends, Tweek and Craig!
Oh! Well I suppose a quick visit is okay!
Maybe you kids can cheer them up!
Hey, guys!
How're you feeling?
Well uh, we just came by because
we had something to tell you!
Yeah! See, we got you to fight just 'cause
we wanted to see who was the toughest!
We made up all that stuff we said to
get you guys mad at each other!
Yes! You can flip us off,
Craig! We deserve that!
We just came came by to
apologize! We feel so bad!
Boy, do we ever!
So I guess we'll be going now!
And we'll just live with the knowledge
that you're both kinda sissies!
- Well, I mean, that's what was on
the news. - What was on the new?!
Oh! You didn't see it! Oh!
Tweek's family was on the news
saying what a wus you are, Craig!
Yeah! And then Craig's family came
on and said Tweek was the wus!
And he punched Tweek's
Mom in the hooters!
- You son of a bitch!
- I'm gonna kick your ass!
- C'mon, Tweek! You got him!
- Hibosukitai! Hibosukitun! Hurishurtung!