* i'm going down
to south park *
* gonna have
myself a time *
* friendly faces
everywhere *
* humble folks
without temptation *
* going down
to south park *
* gonna leave my
woes behind *
* ample parking
day or night *
* people spouting
"howdy neighbor" *
* headin' on up
to south park *
* gonna see
if i can't unwind *
* tim-Tmah tim-Mah,
tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah *
* so come on down
to south park *
* and meet some
friends of mine *
Oh, great wizard
of gregendath!
What quest do you ask of
this ranger and paladin?
Only one thing can
save our kingdom-
You must bring me
a piece of pecan pie
With toffee ice cream
and magic shell.
Hurry now!
That quest sucks,
cartman!
Think of another one!
Uh, boys, butters' parents
want to borrow
"The lord of the rings"
video we rented.
Could you take it
over to them?
You're sending us
on... a quest?
You ask of us to
take the one video
To the house of butters?
Yeah, whatever.
It shall be
a long journey,
With many dangers
on the way.
But if the tape must be brought
to the house of butters,
Who else can do it?
Very well!
We shall embark on this quest
immediately, father!
Come, warriors!
Ho!
Ho!
Mmm, that gets
rid of them.
Ooh, you're a little
frisky, aren't you?
Yeah, well, uh,
the lord of the rings
Wasn't the only thing i rented
from the video store.
I also rented...
a porno.
Ohh, you little devil!
You wanna go watch?
How shall we journey to
the house of butters?
Through the mines of vandor or
over the mountains of gralch?
Look out, here comes the great
dragon of peringraf!
Don't worry, i am the
great wizard moltiloch.
I can shield us from
the dragon's fire!
Bwwowowoowowo!
Good job, wizard.
And so, the party
journeyed onward-
The great wizard,
the skillful ranger
And the covetous jew.
I'm a paladin,
cartman!
Jews can't be
paladins.
Hey there, cowboy.
You ready for some
hot, steamy fun?
You bet i am.
The guys at the office told me
i had to rent this porno.
They said this is,
without a doubt,
<i>The hottest porno
ever made.
Mmm, sounds good.
I love that lingerie.
Yeah...
you like that?
Mmm, yeah, baby.
Yeah...
Alright, you ready?
Ready.
Oh yeah.
The story begins
in ages past!
In the deep regions
of middle earth,
Where skorn first thrived
in the kingdom of gelgala!
Oh man, i hate when pornos
try to have a story.
Seven rings were cast and
given to the races of men.
Mmm, yeah.
Seven to the races
of elves,
Five to the glundock viladers
of gelgendol.
Wow, the production values are
really good in this porno.
Yeah, it almost
looks like...
"The lord of the"-
Oh my god!
This is the
lord of the rings!
But then
does that mean-?
The boys have the hottest
porno ever made.
Oh hello, boys.
My father has asked that
we bring you this copy
Of lord of the rings!
Well, thank you very much,
kind heroes.
Perhaps a reward
is in order?
Gold?
Frankenstein sense?
Oh, but you are
noble heroes-
We know our thanks
is enough.
Man, that's crap.
Butters, look what we have
for you to watch-
The lord of the rings!
Oh boy, finally
i get to see it!
Now, daddy and i have to
do our taxes,
So can you watch this by
yourself and not get scared?
I won't get scared, mom,
promise!
That's our man.
Here you go.
Ooh da lolly!
I finally get to see
lord of the rings!
Spank that ass.
Ooh...
Neat-O!
<i>This is good!
Oh my god, this is
gonna be so embarrassing.
"Hi chris!
Hi linda!
We were just wondering if we
could get our porno back?"
Calm down, maybe the boys
haven't gotten there yet.
And so the party
returns home
After completing
their great quest.
The one tape
was returned
And south park
was again at peace.
Quick, a monster
of rivendel!
Prepare for battle!
The boys!
Boys! Boys!
Where's the videotape?
We gave it to the parents of
butters as commanded by you.
Oh, i guess we have to
go talk to them now.
Well, wait a minute-
Uh, boys-
Do you think you can go get that
tape back for us really fast?
This sounds like a really
important quest.
Yes, it is.
This is more important
Than anything i've ever
asked you to do.
You must retrieve the tape-
But do not look at it,
for it holds an evil power.
Retrieve the tape and
return it to us at home.
Do this, and you will be
greatly rewarded.
Wow!
This- Is so cool.
Gentlemen-
We are off!
Okay.
Problem solved.
Just like that.
Oh golly.
Hey, what's happenin'
down there?
We have come to reclaim
the one tape!
Whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
The queen and king
of stanzizhouse
Wish the lord of the rings
returned to them.
But it's the greatest movie
i've ever seen.
You guys were right.
Lord of the rings
is awesome.
You have to let me
finish watching it.
Nay, butters!
The one tape must be brought
back to stanzizhouse!
Wagh!
Butters, we said
you can't watch it!
We have a quest!
Then, then let me
go with you.
Okay, fine, butters,
But if you're gonna
hang out with us,
You have to play like
lord of the rings.
Oh, okay!
Yeah.
Butters! What the hell
are you doing?!
Playing lord
of the rings!
Huh, huh!
Yeah.
Get the hell off me!
You're a freak, butters!
You can't play with us!
Let me have the tape!
No, we have to
return it!
My movie!
My awesome,
cool movie.
My... precious.
And so, the tape
was again retrieved
To be brought back
to stanzizhouse.
This copy of
lord of the rings
Made the young butters
behave quite oddly.
Yeah, and mine parents were
acting strange about it too.
Perhaps the
one videotape
Has some power
we have not foreseen.
Well, well, well!
If it isn't robin hood
and his merry men!
Oh crap,
the 6th graders!
What you got there?
Nothing.
Hey, kid!
Lord of the rings-
Ha! That movie's gay!
You're gay!
What the-?!
Whoa!
Check it out,
you guys!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Give it back!
We're on a quest to
return it to my parents.
No way!
We're keeping this and
watching it ourselves!
You can't keep it!
And what are three
little 4th graders
Gonna do
about it, huh?
There's four of us!
Kenny's soul is still
trapped in cartman's body.
Yeah!
Oh man!
I can't wait to see this.
Dude, that video is making
people act strange!
The one tape
must be returned!
Run!
Get 'em!
Oh, hello,
randy, sharon.
Chris, are the boys
over here?
No, just butters.
He's been watching the lord
of the rings downstairs.
Oh dear!
What's the matter?
We- Well, this is really
sort of funny, but,
We, we accidentally put a porno
in the lord of the rings box.
Oh god!
Butters?
Butters?
Butters!
Precious...
Did you bring back
my precious?
Butters, where is the movie
you were watching?
They took his precious.
Took it away to watch
without him.
He was really enjoying
that movie, too!
My precious.
The boys must have come
and saw what it was,
And then taken it
away somewhere.
Oh, no.
We can't let those
6th graders
Get their hands
on this videotape.
I must say i agree.
If this copy of the lord
of rings is "hainted"
It would not be safe
in the wrong hands.
I smell 4th graders!
Oh crap, dude!
Hide!
Hey!
I think i see something
down the hill!
Whew!
The one videotape is
sought after indeed.
Yeah, butters, my parents,
now the 6th graders.
Come, guys.
We must bring this
all to the attention
Of the high elf
of faragon.
Yeah, the high elf!
He'll know what to do!
And so, that's
the situation.
All the boys are out there
somewhere with a...
Pornographic videotape.
Oh god!
This is horrible!
Alright, calm down.
Now just how bad of a porno tape
are we talking, here?
I mean, was it like,
"crotch capers 3"?
I'm afraid it was...
"backdoor sluts 9".
Backdoor sluts 9!
Backdoor sluts 9!
Is that bad?
Backdoor sluts 9
makes crotch capers 3
Look like
"naughty nurses 2"!
It is the single most
vile, twisted,
Dark piece of porn
ever made.
How the hell
do you know?!
I, uh, i read
about it in "people".
Oh, this is just great!
How could you two
be so careless?!
We're sorry!
Well, sheila, we can't
shelter our boys forever
From these things.
Maybe it's okay for them
to see an adult film.
Not without their parents to
put it in the proper context.
They won't understand
what they're seeing!
It can't hurt them
that much, can it?
Precious!
Let me see
my precious.
Plea-A-Ase!
O- Pen!
Bell-Lock.
What do you guys want?
We must speak speak with
the high elf of faragon!
Oh, okay,
hang on a second.
What troubles you?
We have in our possession
something of great power.
It is the lord
of rings.
So? I have
three copies-
And the d.V.D. With
12 hours of extra footage.
Yes, but this is not-
Wow, 12 hours?
Yes, but this is not
a normal copy.
It's making people
act really strange.
We're seriously,
high elf-
Something very evil
lurks in this tape.
Very well.
I shall call the council
together.
Meet me in the
woods of gathering
Behind talingharr
the black's house.
And don't let my mom see you
'cause i'll get in trouble.
Thank you,
high elf of paragon.
Faragon!
Asshole.
Clyde's a dick.
Alright, everybody,
listen up!
There's three snot-Nosed little
4th graders out there
Who have a porno called
"backdoor sluts 9".
Ooohh!
I checked it out
on the internet
And it said that
backdoor sluts 9
<i>Is the most hardcore
porno ever made.
Ahhhh!
I have amassed this army
of 6th graders
To get the tape
by any means necessary.
Now- Let's go get
that porno!
Aaahhh!
And so, that is
the situation.
The videotape may or may not
have evil powers.
Kyle, would you bring it
up here, please?
Ooh...
ahh...
That video could have been
made by sauron's evil forces.
It could hold a mental
spell of some kind.
Perhaps we could use it to
strengthen our star cruisers!
Kevin, god dammit.
Look, until we see this tape's
power for ourselves
We cannot risk
giving it to anybody.
But if we watch it we could
fall under its spell too!
That is true.
Only a paladin with
a high constitution
Should watch the tape.
Therefore, i think it is
a job for you-
Talingharr the black.
I'm not scared.
I'll go inside
and watch the tape,
Just for a few seconds.
If i do not return
in two minutes
Send a party in
after me.
The fate of middle earth
is in my hands.
Fourth graders!
Give us that porno!
Boys?
Boys, we're not
mad at you.
We just want to
talk to you!
Talingharr the black returns
from watching the video!
What sights did you see on
the videotape, talingharr?
Is it the work
of sauron's magic?
I'm not playing
anymore.
Whoa, wait,
what'd you see?
I don't know.
I don't want to know.
I'm out.
My god, this thing must
really be powerful.
This tape makes people
freak out wherever it goes!
What do we do
with it?
One thing's for sure,
This tape cannot be
trusted with anybody.
It must be returned to the
video store from whence it came.
Where is the videotape
rented from?
Two towers video store-
In conifer.
Conifer?!
Walking there
would take hours!
There's no alternative,
We have to
return the tape
Before it causes
more damage!
I'll go.
Ha!
We cannot trust something of
that much power to a dwarf!
Especially a
kindergartner dwarf!
Stop acting like
a bunch of assholes!
I will take it!
I will walk to
the video store.
It is too far and too
dangerous to go alone.
Take with you the wizard,
the dwarf, the warrior,
The cleric
and the jew.
Paladin!
Very well.
You shall be the fellowship
of the lord of the rings.
Good luck.
I have to go home now
before i get in trouble.
Me too!
Only the six of us
are to go?
No, no, there's
seven of us,
Kenny soul is still trapped
in cartman's body, remember?
Yeah, stupid.
Yeah, luckily cartman's
big enough for the both of us.
Shut up, kenny!
And so it was that the heros
traveled many miles
To return the lord of the rings
to the video store.
We have reached the great pass
of mount uuurluroch!
Look out!
We were
almost killed!
A dark wizard must be
trying to stop us!
True, someone or something
doesn't want this video
Returned to the
video store!
Oh, hello, everybody.
Steve, we heard that
a bunch of the kids
Were over here
a little while ago.
Well, yes,
i believe they were,
But they've gone.
What's the matter?
We think our boys might be
showing other children a...
Pornographic tape.
What?!
But token's never
seen a porno before!
He wouldn't know what-
Oh god!
Token!
Token...
Did the boys
come over and-
Show you a movie?
Token?
Alright, token, we know
you must be very confused
About what you saw.
Yes, uh,
you see, token,
That was called
a "pornographic" film.
It shows adult men
and adult women
Having sexual
intercourse.
You see, when a man and
a woman fall in love
The man puts his penis
in the woman's vagina.
It's called lovemaking, and
it's part of being in love.
And when the woman has four
penises in her at the same time,
Then stands over the men
and pees on them,
Is that part of
being in love too?
Five midgets,
spanking a man,
Covered with
thousand island dressing-
Is that making love?
Jesus, what kind of
porno was that?
It was
backdoor sluts 9.
Oh jesus,
not that one!
Oh gerald, poor kyle
must be just as confused
And scared as
this poor kid!
Token, this is
very important.
Do you know where the boys went
with the naughty tape?
We're entering
the limits of bailey.
Everyone stay close.
Perhaps the great ringworm
of bailey is about!
Ringworms are no match
for a dwarf.
Yes, we shall
slay the ringworm
And take its bounty
of treasure!
For that is
the way of the-
I shall put a magic
spell on you!
I have blocked
your spell, wizard!
Hey, what are you
guys doing?
We're playing
"harry potter"!
Ha!
Fags!
You guys, somebody's
following us!
It's butters.
Butters?
Yes, he's been following us
for like two hours.
The precious
videotape.
Let the butters see it.
Just ignore him,
maybe he'll go away.
Hey fellas, mind if we
take a little rest?
There is no time
for rest, sorcerer!
Keep up!
They are coming.
You guys
go on ahead!
Jimmy, are you sure?
Go!
You shall not
p- Paa...
You shall not paa...
You shall not pa...
You shall not-
You shall not-
You shall not pass.
Jimmy didn't stop them!
They're going to take the
lord of the rings from us!
Quick, cross the river!
6th graders
can't stand water!
What?
That's stupid.
I am a high ranking
white wizard, craig,
And i say 6th graders
are opposed to water.
Whatever!
I'm going back to play with
the harry potter kids.
Me too.
Go ahead and play harry-
Butthole-Pussy-Potter!
Just get across the river,
they're coming!
What the hell is
wrong with you guys?!
Get the tape!
Dude, i don't
wanna get wet.
Yeah, i don't really
like the water.
Besides, if our
bikes get wet
The chains'll rust.
Oh god dammit!
Come on, we'll find a bridge.
The quest continued
To return the lord of the rings
to the video store.
Man, we should have never
crossed that stupid river.
Yeah, good job,
wizard fat-Ass!
Now we're totally lost!
We're not lost,
jewgar of jewlingrad!
We just don't know
where we are!
That's what lost means,
stupid!
Kenny, shut your
goddamn mouth!
This is great, we're in the
middle of nowhere
And nobody knows what direction
the video store is in.
The butters knowses.
Oh brother.
The video store, yes,
not far from here.
We can show you
wheres it is!
Where?
First, just let butters
see the precious.
No, butters, look what
it's done to you.
It's made you even lamer
than before.
If that was possible.
Tell us how to get to
the video store, butters,
Else we're gonna
kick your ass!
No hurtses
the butters!
We will show you
the way.
Yesss...
this way it is.
This is awful!
I just know with
every passing minute
Little kyle is seeing more
and more depraved sex acts!
We'll find them.
And then we'll try to put
what they saw into context.
Look, there's
one of the boys now!
Jimmy!
Jimmy, jimmy!
Where did the boys go
with the porno tape?
They were taking it
to the v...
The v... v...
Come on, jimmy, we don't
have a lot of time.
They took it back
to the video...
The video...
The video sandwich?
The video stockyard?
What's a video
stockyard, jimmy?
No, the video st...
the video st...
Stinger?
Staples, they went to
the video staples.
Where's that, jimmy?
No, you retards!
The video st-Store!
The video store!
Hurry!
Hurry!
I know where it is!
Oh no,
they're closed!
Closed?!
There they are!
Don't let 'em turn it back in
to the video store!
We're screwed.
Wait, a drop box!
Quick, kyle,
drop the movie in!
Finally, it's over.
Precious, must have
our precious.
Wagh!
Butters, no!
Nows wees hasses it!
They're coming!
It has to go back!
It wantses to stay
with the butters!
There it is!
Give me that tape!
Let go of
the tape, butters!
I'm never
letting go!
Fine!
Preciousss...
No!
No, no!
Dammit!
Aw man, now we'll never
see the hot action!
You stupid little
4th graders!
The tape is returned
to whence it came.
It's power over you
shall fade as well.
Middle earth
is again safe.
Yeah?
Well, that's not gonna stop us
from kicking your asses!
Uh-Oh.
Boys, boys!
Crap!
Parents!
Come on, guys!
We'll see you next time,
fourthies!
And perhaps they would.
But for now, the 6th grader
army was defeated.
There you are!
Oh kyle, you're safe!
Hey guys.
We were just
about to come home.
We had to
return the video.
Alright, now listen, kids,
There's some things we need to
put into context for you.
You see, a man puts his penis
into a woman's vagina
For both love and pleasure.
But sometimes the woman
lays on top of the man,
Facing the other way,
so that they can
Put each other's genitals
in their mouths.
This is called "69-Ing",
and it's normal.
See, boys, a woman is
sensitive in her vagina
And it feels good to have
a man's penis inside of it.
That's right!
But sometimes a woman chooses
to use other things.
Telephones, staplers,
magazines-
It's because the nerve endings
in the vagina are so sensitive-
It's like a fun tickle.
Now, on to double
penetration, boys.
You see, sometimes
when a woman
Has sex with
more than one man,
Each man makes love to
a different orifice.
That's right.
It's something adults can do
with really good friends
In a comfortable setting.
<i>It's also important that you
understand why some people
Choose to urinate
on each other.
Going #1 or #2
on your lover
Is something
people might do,
But you must make sure your
partner is okay with it
Before you start doing it.
Okay, boys, do you
have any questions?
Wow.
Well, let's all
get going.
Yeah, come on boys,
time to get home.
Wait a minute,
where's butters?
Wees hasses our
preciouses.
Hasses it...
hasses it.
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