South Park S01E12 Mecha Streisand

Mecha Streisand
So these ancient arrowheads
are buried deep in the earth.
We dig them up and find
over 1 2 new arrowheads every month.
Boring!
Eric, keep quiet!
I'm trying to sleep.
Can anybody tell me
who left these arrowheads here?
Isn't that your job?
Yes, but I want to see
if you're learning anything.
Let's all grab our anthropology
pickaxes that were handed out...
...and we'll dig
for our very own Indian arrowheads.
Shut up, Cartman!
- I think I found one!
- No, I found it!
I found it first.
- No, I did, Pip!
- Oh, dear.
- We'll roshambo for it.
- What do you mean?
First, I kick you in the nuts.
Then you kick me in the nuts.
We keep going until somebody falls.
Last one standing gets the arrowhead.
- I suppose if I must.
- Ready? I'll go first.
Well, I guess you win.
I don't care,
you can have the stupid arrowhead.
Look, I found another one!
This is just a stupid triangle.
Check it out, dude.
It's got little drawings on it.
- What is it?
- I don't know.
- That was cool!
- Give it back!
You threw it away. It's mine.
- We'll roshambo for it.
- No, it's mine.
- Anthropologist!
- How's it going?
I found a magic triangle,
and he took it from me!
- You threw it away, fatso!
- Let me see.
This is Anasazi writing!
This must be thousands of years old.
Come on, let me kick you
in the nuts for it!
Finally, a boy from South Park,
Colorado...
...found something
during a field trip today.
Here with a special report,
a quadriplegic on a pony.
The 8-year-old was very shocked...
...when he came across
an ancient object.
I was, like,
"Dude, I found this triangle."
My friends were, like, "Dude."
I said, "I'll kick you in the nuts."
But he didn't give it back.
I kicked him...
...and he cried like Nancy Kerrigan.
- Liar!
Screw you, thief!
The boy will take his discovery home
and perhaps donate it to science later.
- Back to you.
- Thanks. Those are cute kids.
Except for that last one,
he's a bit tubby.
- What will you do with it?
- Hide it from Cartman.
I'll find it, don't worry!
Goddamn it, give me my triangle!
- You did throw it away.
- I was setting it aside.
Let it go.
I'll get that triangle
if it's the last thing I do!
Give me a little pepper.
Give me a little salt.
- Put it in the skillet...
- Excuse me.
- You're that movie critic guy on TV.
- Leonard Maltin, yes.
Well, I'll be a teenage girl
at an Aerosmith concert.
Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria!
I'm Chef.
I know. Listen to me.
We have little time.
Have you seen Barbra Streisand?
You mean, like,
"the" Barbra Streisand?
- Have you seen her?!
- Not since Yentl.
- Then I'm not too late.
- Too late for what?
It's important you tell me where
those boys from the news report are.
Why do you care?
I have a button we can use
for his nose.
- What's a marble sack for?
- Be careful, Kyle might steal it.
- I didn't steal anything.
- Tell Kyle I'm not speaking with him.
Good!
What's that noise?
Aliens!
Who is the boy I saw
on the news report tonight?
Hello, little boy.
Do you know who I am?
- No.
- I bet you do.
Stop that!
That sucks, dude!
- I'm Barbra Streisand!
- So?
So?! I'm a very famous
and very important individual.
- Like John Elway important?
- What?!
- You know John Elway?
- No!
You're famous and important,
but you don't know John Elway?
Little boy, I understand that you found
a neat little triangle near here.
- Yeah.
- No, I found it! He stole it!
- You threw it away!
- He's a dirty thief.
Does the triangle have two snakes
joined at the middle?
- Yeah, how did you know?
- Okay, now this is very important.
- Where is the Triangle of Zinthar now?
- Triangle of Zinthar?
- Why do you wanna know?
- I'm not talking to you!
- Whoa, dude!
- Where is the triangle, damn it?
- What seems to be the problemo here?
- There's no problemo, officer.
I was introducing myself
to these charming boys.
She's being a total bitch!
- Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
- It's Saturday.
No excuses!
Move along, you little troublemakers!
- Well?
- Well, what?
- You know who I am, don't you?
- Well, you ain't Fiona Apple.
And if you ain't Fiona Apple,
I don't give a rat's ass!
What a bitch!
I guess he's not home.
- Damn! Then we must look for them.
- What is this all about?
If Barbra saw the same news report,
those boys are in danger.
If you were Barbra Streisand,
where would you be now?
No, where would she be staying?
I heard she had her own $4 million
condo up near the ski slope.
- Where?
- I don't know, it was a rumor.
Damn it, where's your car?!
That little bastard
has the triangle, Milo.
- Are you sure?
- He knew about the symbol of Krulak.
- Why don't we go get it?
- A cop showed up.
I can't blow it now that I'm so close.
It must be handled carefully.
How many years has it been?
Thirty? Forty?
For so long I've waited
to find the other triangle.
And now I am so close.
The dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!
- Cartman?
- You scared the crap out of me, Ike!
- What are you doing?
- I'm trying...
I'm not talking to you.
Ike, tell Kyle that I was trying
to get my triangle back.
Ike, tell Cartman
that it's my triangle!
Tell Kyle he's a goddamn
son of a bitch!
If it means that much to you,
take the stupid triangle!
If it'll make you leave me alone,
take it! Here!
Now get out of my house. I hope
you feel really good about yourself.
Hell, yeah, I got the triangle.
I got the triangle, I got the triangle!
You don't, you don't!
- You sure Barbra's condo is here?
- It was a rumor.
- A lot of celebrities have condos.
- Then we've got to keep looking.
This has gone far enough. I won't drive
until you tell me what this is about.
Aren't you curious
about the insanity Barbra exhibits?
- I always heard she was a bitch.
- More than a bitch!
She's a calculating,
egotistical bitch.
Her mother's a jackal.
Her father's an insurance salesman.
Insurance salesman?
At 5, she wanted to be a singer.
But by 6, her goal
was to rule the universe.
She learned
of the Diamond of Pantheous...
You know what? Never mind.
I don't need to know all this.
The keepers of Pantheous learned
of her wish.
The diamond was split up and buried.
While shooting My Fair Lady,
Barbra found one triangle.
The other triangle
is the one Kyle has?
If Babs gets that other triangle,
she'll fulfill her prophecy...
...and become the most threatening
thing ever known:
- Mecha Streisand!
- Mecha Streisand?
I don't know what that means,
but it doesn't sound good.
The bus sure is late.
I wonder what I should do
with my triangle? Now that it is mine.
Damn it, I gave it to you
so you would shut up!
Hello there, little boys.
- How are you today?
- Fine.
That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones.
I am a very friendly, nice person.
- I hear one of you found my triangle.
- Your triangle?
Yes. You see, that triangle
is part of my kidney dialysis machine.
I'm so glad you found it. Because
without it, I would die within hours.
- Oh, no, finders keepers!
- But I'll die.
We'll roshambo for it. I'll kick you
in the nuts. Then you kick me.
I want to give you a big cash reward
for finding it.
- It's worth a lot of money to me.
- It is?
No wonder that Barbra Streisand lady
wanted it.
Who is that?
Just this really, really old lady
who wishes she was still 45.
You should have seen her nose.
It's big enough to land planes on.
- Talk about a bitch, I haven't seen...
- Enough!
Anyway, if you'll come
with me in my car...
...I'll take you to my condo
and kill you...
I mean, give you money
for the triangle.
Sweet! I'll be rich!
Bet you wish you didn't give me
that triangle. Dumb-ass!
Shouldn't we not get
into cars with strangers?
Not when money's involved.
And action!
Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like
any other with dreams and emotions.
I won't put a foreign object
up my ass.
Cut! Print that. Excellent, Sid.
Take five.
Let's set up for the next shot.
Hello. You must hurry.
- A boy found the Triangle of Zinthar.
- Where?
A small, white-bread, mountain town
called South Park.
Excellent.
Soon the Triangle of Zinthar
will be mine.
And I will be the biggest,
most famous person ever!
- Let me go! Seriously.
- Yeah, let us go.
You fools have no idea the powers
you're meddling with.
I'll teach you to meddle
with my triangle!
- It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!
- Don't pass it back on me, fat ass!
Screw you, hippie!
- Where is the Triangle of Zinthar?
- I don't remember.
- Goddamn it, tell her! I wanna go home.
- Maybe this will help jar your memory.
No, don't!
Torture!
Now do you remember?
Damn your black heart, Streisand!
- I don't know how much more I can take.
- All right, you asked for it!
No!
I don't know, maybe Barbra doesn't
have a place up here after all.
- We'll have to go to plan B.
- There's a plan B?
Why have we been driving around
all day when there's a plan B?
- Ever heard of the band, The Cure?
- Come on...
...don't tell me The Cure
is involved too.
No, just the lead singer.
What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?
She's close. Very close.
I can feel her!
- Where?
- She has the boys.
- They're in trouble!
- Oh, fudge!
Keep going this way. Hurry!
No!
Okay, I'll tell you where
the triangle is! It's inside my shoe.
When's the last time
you changed your socks?
And your socks smell like a garden?
Finally, the triangle is mine!
After centuries of waiting, I finally
have the Triangle of Zinthar!
Now, the Diamond of Pantheous
is complete!
Whoa, dude!
Mecha Barbra Streisand!
This is pretty f* * * * d up.
Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest
goddamn deer I've ever seen!
Weeks after the devastating attack of
mutant beasts, zombies and turkeys...
...the town of South Park has managed
to rebuild itself once again...
Goddamn it, not again.
- Mayor, Barbra Streisand is...
- I noticed. Call the National Guard!
We'll get you, you bitch.
And to think,
I actually watched your HBO special.
- Children!
- Chef!
Oh, no!
She has joined the two triangles?
- Yes, she stole my triangle!
- Get us down.
- I can't break these locks.
- Stand back, Chef.
- That was cool!
- I'll go after Streisand.
Chef, call Robert Smith of The Cure.
Robert Smith? Sweet!
- Hello?
- Is this Robert Smith of The Cure?
- Yes, it is.
- Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.
So Barbra Streisand's found
the other triangle, eh?
All right, men,
give her everything you've got!
Get outside her, Ned!
I can't get a shot in from here.
I'm scared.
It's no use.
Our firepower has no effect!
Oh, my God, it is you!
I am such a huge fan, Miss Streisand!
I never thought I'd live
to see you in person!
I hate to ask this, but could I get
an autograph? My sister would die!
Thank you, Miss Streisand!
We're doomed! Goodbye, Mr. Hat.
Barbra!
Look out, children!
No!
- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
- What's going on here?
- Sidney Poitier?
- That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier.
- Damn, it's nice to meet you.
The Sidney Poitier in my hometown.
- Barbra has the Triangle of Zinthar?
- She's made the Diamond of Pantheous.
Is that really necessary?
It's over. She's too strong for them.
We'll have to leave town.
Make her go away.
I hate Barbra Streisand!
My mom said there were no monsters,
but there are.
We have to say goodbye to South Park.
Oh, my God, help me!
- Am I too late?
- Who are you?
- Robert Smith of The Cure!
- Sweet!
Hold this walkie.
Help me fight her.
You can try.
But that thing just beat
Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.
I have to try. I can't let Barbra
Streisand do this to the entire world.
Her weak point is the nose.
Robert Smith, hit her nose!
Use robot punch.
The diamond! She must be powerless.
Quickly, Robert Smith,
she's powerless!
- He did it!
- No more Barbra Streisand ever!
Robert Smith is the greatest
person ever!
Our savior.
Can I have my walkie-talkie back?
No way, you gave it to us.
It's mine.
All right, I'll roshambo you for it.
Ready?
Where's he going?
Goodbye! Thank you for your help.
Visit us again.
Disintegration is the best album ever!
- What should we do with the triangles?
- Get rid of them.
Nobody should have that kind of power.
At least I have the walkie-talkie
Robert gave me.
No, that's mine! He gave it to me!
Don't you ever learn?
- Come on, I'll roshambo you for it.
- Go to hell, Cartman.
- That whole experience sucked.
- Yeah, I'm glad it's over.
I've learned something:
People who want a lot of power
always end up dead.
- Yeah.
- And I've learned something too:
Robert Smith kicks ass!
- Oh, no, she's back!
- Oh, my God, look!
Mecha Ike!