* i'm going down
to south park *
* gonna have
myself a time *
* friendly faces
everywhere *
* humble folks
without temptation *
* going down
to south park *
* gonna leave my
woes behind *
* ample parking
day or night *
* people spouting
"howdy neighbor" *
* headin' on up
to south park *
* gonna see
if i can't unwind *
* tim-Tmah tim-Mah,
tim-Mah tim-Mah timmy tim-Mah *
* so come on down
to south park *
* and meet some
friends of mine *
Shut up, you guys.
Shut up.
Hello, "chitty wok",
take order, please.
<i>Hello, is this
city wok?
Yes, this chitty wok.
Yes, we'd like one
order of the city beef.
Chitty beef.
And i'll have
the city chicken.
Chitty chicken.
Oh dude, look, it's that
commercial with the guy
<i>Who lost 400 pounds eating
at subway sandwiches.
* he's still looking good
* his name is jared
* and he likes to
eat the sandwiches *
Well,
hey, fellas.
Hey, kenny.
Now gosh darn it,
my name's not kenny.
Kenny's dead,
And you're all gonna have to
learn to deal with that.
Okay, not-Kenny.
Hey south park!
You can meet jared,
in person, march 6th,
At the kenny mccormack
memorial town square.
Oh boy, jared's
coming to town.
Dude, that's today!
We gotta get
down there.
Come on,
not-Kenny.
Now gosh darn it,
my name's not not-Kenny.
Okay, come on,
not-Not-Kenny.
I'm getting steamed now.
Ohh, chitty wok,
chitty wok!
I take order, please.
Excuse me, can we
get through here?
Hell no, i've been saving
this spot for six hours.
* his name is garrison
mr. Garrison *
* he lost 10 pounds
taking jared's lead *
Here he comes!
* he's still looking good
with all those sandwiches *
Thank you all so much.
Y'know, after a year of eating
delicious sub sandwiches
I've proven
weight loss is easy.
And i promise you,
I will always be your faithful
leader in easy weight loss.
All right!
That guy ate all the sandwiches
he wanted and lost weight.
He is so cool.
Mr. Fogle, some fans
wanted to see
If you'd sign
their sandwich.
Sure, let them in.
Hi, kids.
Wow, jared.
Dude, did you really
lose all that weight
Eating nothing but
sub sandwiches?
I sure did.
Well, i also had a little
help on the side.
What kind of help?
Well, eating sub sandwiches
was a big part of it.
But the way that i lost
so much weight
Was that i got aides.
A- Aids?
That's right, i got aides
about two years ago
And i've been losing weight
ever since.
It's amazing how slim
you can get with aides.
I'll bet you can.
Would you like to
meet them?
Them?
My aides.
Scott, tyler!
Scott is my personal trainer
and tyler is my dietitian.
Hello!Hello!
Oh!
A- I-D-E-S, aides.
Yeah, hooray
for aides!
Well, that's not really what
you say in the commercial.
I know, you kind of have to
read the fine print
At the bottom
of the screen.
It says i only ate a half-Size
lean turkey sandwich
With no mustard or mayo
or anything like that.
And then had proper
diet and exercise aides.
But you're
lying to people.
If they knew that
you didn't just
Eat all the sandwiches
you want,
You might not
be so popular.
You think so?
Why should it matter?
It matters, dude.
Hmm.
That penis-Butt didn't lose
weight eating sub sandwiches.
He lost weight because he ate
less of them and exercised.
Yeah, it's only in america
somebody can become famous
Just because they go from
being a big fat-Ass
To not being a big fat-Ass.
Oh my god,
you guys-
I think i'm having
a genius moment.
Yes, yes,
it's coming to me now.
Is that-
That's diarrhea.
No- Don't you see
what this all means?
Anybody could do
what he did.
What's to stop someone else
from going to say, city wok,
And cutting
a deal with them?
Say they'll eat nothing
but their chinese food,
But then eat only a little tiny
bit of it and exercise.
Then city wok could say their
food makes you lose weight.
That's right, stan,
it's a cash cow, i tell you.
That's a great idea!
Lose weight
and make money.
I tell you, this is gonna
be the greatest thing
That butters
has ever done.
Me?
Who do you think i'm
talking about, butters,
Joyce dewitt?
Oh, no, i thought
you meant you.
You're the fat one.
I can't lose
weight, butters,
Because i'm not fat,
i'm big boned.
You can't slim down
bones, stupid.
But butters
isn't fat.
That's my
whole point.
First, we fatten him up.
Then we make the deal
with city wok.
Then, take the weight
back off.
He's right- If butters
is naturally skinny,
He'll be able to take
the weight off faster.
But fellas,
If i get fat my parents
will ground me.
Oh, come on, just think about
how famous you'll be.
You mean like jared?
Sure, dude, you'll
be just like jared.
Well,
the heck with that,
You said jared
was a penis-Butt.
You wouldn't be
a penis-Butt, butters,
You'd be famous.
Just think about all those
people following you around,
Singing songs to you just
'cause you lost some weight.
* his name is butters
it's butters *
* used to be fat
but not no more *
* city wok brought him down
to a size four *
* now he's got lots of
moneys and girls *
* and a lifetime of
free food at city wok *
Wow.
Christine, you know
i love you very much
And i can't wait
for the wedding.
I love you too, jared.
You changed
my whole life.
* her name is donez
christine donez *
* she lost 40 pounds when
she met jared and- *
I know, i know.
But, ah, some young boys
were talking to me earlier
And they made me think that
people might not be so proud
Of my weight loss
if they knew something.
Jared, what's this
all about?
Christine, this probably isn't
gonna matter to you at all,
But i have aides.
What?
Yeah, i have aides.
I've had aides since
before we were together.
What, what are you thinking,
are you bummed?
Am i bummed?
You've had aids all this time
and you knew it?
Well, of course
i knew it.
Why the hell
wouldn't you tell me?
I didn't think it was
that big of a deal.
Not that big
of a deal?!
I slept with you!
Aren't you overreacting
a little bit?
But jesus christ, we're
supposed to get married.
We can still
get married, christine.
<i>I mean, sure,
they're my aides now,
But after we get married,
they'll be our aides.
You'll love having aides,
christine, you really will.
And when we have children,
they'll have aides.
It will make things
so simple.
Christine!
Jeez, those boys
were right.
People really don't
like aides.
I better tell everyone
the truth.
Hello there,
children.
Chef, we need butters to
gain about 50 pounds, fast.
50 pounds, why?
Ah, school project.
Well, if you want him to get
really fat as fast as possible,
One of you will
have to marry him.
Marry him?
It definitely worked for
every woman i ever met.
Oh, no no no-
I ain't getting married,
My parents will ground me.
Yeah, none of us
want to marry butters.
How come,
what's wrong with me?
Well, i guess we oughtta
do this the old fashion way.
Come on back, children.
I can't eat no more.
You have to.
Here, have some more
mayonnaise.
Chef, we need
more food.
I'm running out,
children.
Damn it, butters,
keep eating
Or else i'll kick your ass 'til
you're deader than kenny!
Dude, that isn't cool.
You shouldn't joke about
kenny being dead.
Enough time hasn't passed.
So how long until
we can joke about it?
22.3 years.
That's how long it takes for
something tragic to be funny.
That's a long time
to wait.
I can't eat no more.
I just keep
puking it up.
Then eat your puke.
No!
Oh, come on,
japanese girls do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, we at
subway are happy to inform you
That jared has elected
to stay in south park
In order to speak to you
once again!
He's going to speak
to us once again.
So here he is...
jared!
* he's still looking good *
* eating them sandwiches
all the time *
Thank you,
thank you all.
Subway is a healthy way to eat
fast food and lose weight!
All right!
But, i feel like
i need to
Come a little clean
about something.
<i>It wasn't just subway sandwiches
that made me thin.
Huh?
The reason why i was able to
lose so much weight, so quickly,
Was that i got aides.
Did he say aids?
But i still want to be the
leader in a thinner america,
And so i'm here to tell you
That you should all go out
and get aides!
Oh my god.
Is he serious?
Having aides
is awesome!
With aides you can literally
watch the fat melt away.
And with the proper mix of
aides and subway sandwiches
Anything is possible.
Ah, the opinions
expressed by mr. Fogle
Are not necessarily those
of the subway company.
Wow!
He looks great.
How do you feel,
butters?
Well, kind of
like cartman.
Ow!
Get a hold of
yourself, man.
All right, now it's
time for phase two.
Welcome to chitty wok.
Would you like to try
chitty chicken today?
Sir, we have come
to offer you
The business deal
of a lifetime.
You want the
chitty beef?
No, we want to show the world
how healthy your food is.
Our fat friend here is
going to lose 40 pounds
Eating at chitty wok.
Which one?
I see two fat friend.
The fat one.
We're gonna take
before-And-After photos.
And then when he gets skinny
from eating your food
We'll show the world.
Why?
Because then
you can pay us
To use our friend
in commercials.
Oh, you mean
like jared?
Just like jared.
* his name is jared
he lose some weight *
* chitty wok food
sure is great *
Yeah, okay,
that sound good.
So if he lose weight
eating chitty wok
I pay you to use him
in commercial.
All right!
All right!
Sir, we are
in business.
Jared, first of all
We want to say that
all of us here at subway
Appreciate everything
you've done for our company.
Well, i appreciate your
company doing everything
It's done for me.
Yes, well, it is
now the opinion
Of all of us that perhaps
it would be best for you
To take your...
<i>Strange theories
on weight loss elsewhere.
Excuse me...
am i being fired?
Jared, it's just that your
new take on weight loss
Is contrary to our
commitment to good health.
How so?
Well, your new slogan
for instance.
"When it comes to fitness
Subway goes hand in hand
with aides."
Uh-Huh.
* his name is jared
he's jared, lost weight *
* eating subway
* now he's
cold and alone *
* no one to
call his home *
* he likes sandwiches
in philadelphia *
* with cream cheese *
Come on, butters you gotta
get skinny again!
You are such a flabby
hunk of crap!
Look at those
jelly rolls.
Jelly rolls,
i tell ya!
You still got
seven chins, boy!
You'll never be thin.
Nobody loves you!
Hey now, they do, too.
My mom and dad love me
even if i am fat.
Butters, i'm just
trying to offer
Some motivational
help here.
All right then.
Row, you fat bitch!
Look at them
jelly rolls!
Nobody loves you!
You're not even
a person!
I never asked
to be famous.
Now everyone hates me.
I almost wish i'd never
gotten aides!
Hey, now come on.
What kind of
talk is that?
I'm sorry, guys,
But i think i want to be
aides-Free for a while.
Come on, jared,
lighten up.
People don't hate you.
Yeah, maybe they're
all just jealous
That they can't afford to
hire their own aides.
Wait a minute,
you're right.
Yeah!
I think i know how to be
a celebrity again.
Did you bring
the camera?
Yeah, we're all set.
Guys, i think this might be a
good time to discuss business.
What do you mean?
Well, when city wok sees
how skinny butters is
They're not gonna want him
to just make one commercial,
They're gonna
want several.
That's true, jared did like
100 for subway sandwiches.
I think we're looking at
a nonexclusive
Two-Year, 50-Picture
deal here.
My calculations put that at
about $4 million.
Wow!
Now, i think
the four million
Should be split evenly
among the three of us.
Except that i should get
a 20% per negation fee
Off the gross for having
come up with the idea.
Hey, fellas.
Butters, what the hell
are you doing?!
Yeah, you're still fat!
I know, i can't
seem to lose it.
But we're supposed to shoot your
commercial for city wok today,
You fat piece of crap!
Well, i don't know
what to tell you.
Losing weight is harder
than putting it on.
No, it isn't,
stupid blubber butt!
Did you eat only one ounce
of city wok a day
Like we told you?
Well, yeah, but
i don't know.
Why are you
doing this to us?
All prepared for
liposuction surgery.
Check.
I don't know
about this, fellas.
Hey, you're the one
that screwed us
By not losing weight,
butters.
Okay, it says here
the operation begins
With a one-Inch incision
in the abdomen
On the left side
just above the hip.
<i>So that's,
right about here.
Whoa!
Stop your bitching,
butters!
God, kenny would've
took it like a man!
Okay now, put
one end of the tube
A half an inch
into the incision.
Alrighty.
Whoa, i think this is
a bad idea, fellas.
I feel woozy.
I think it's in.
The liposuction
is a process
Of siphoning out
the excess fat.
There it goes.
All right,
it's working.
Oh man, it taste like that
creamed chip beef stuff
That chef makes sometimes.
Uh, fellas, i don't
feel very good.
Shut up, butters, this is
your own damn fault.
Everything's
getting dark.
We gotta
hurry this up.
Yeah, keep doing that,
that's working good.
He's losing weight.
Whoa, whoa!
He's out of control!
Everything's
getting sparkly.
Oh no, dude, butters'
parents are home.
Oh crap!
Dude, bail!
Butters?
Butters!
Mom, dad.
Butters, are you having
liposuction surgery?
Tell me the truth.
Yes, sir.
This is
unbelievable!
How many times have we
told you never to have
Self-Performed liposuction
surgery in our house?
Four times, mom.
Well, i guess
that wasn't enough.
You get up to your room
right now, mister.
Yes, sir.
Oh, don't you give us
that look, young man,
You're gonna get it!
Tom, i'm standing out front of
the mayor's office
Where the big liar, jared is
once again about to speak.
Apparently, jared hopes to
regain his celebrity hero status
Which was lost when he
announced that it was aids,
Not sub sandwiches, that
caused him to lose weight.
Let's listen in.
Ladies and gentlemen,
at first i didn't understand
Why you felt betrayed
by the fact
That my aides helped me
to lose weight.
But now i understand that
it's because isn't fair
That i had aides
and most of you don't.
And so, with all the money
i made from commercials
I've decided to start
The "aides for everyone
foundation".
What?!
I am going to
personally see to it
That each and every
one of you gets aides.
This guy's insane.
But i won't stop there.
I'm gonna seek out
all the underprivileged
And hungry children
of the world,
And i'm going to
give them aides myself!
You're gonna give
children aids?
Yes, it is my hope that every
beautiful child on this earth
Has aides by next month.
Aides for everyone!
Get him!
Come on, butters,
time to go.
Go where?
To city wok, so we can
make our money- God!
I can't go
anywhere, fellas.
I've been grounded for having
liposuction surgery.
What?
I told you my parents
would be sore.
And they said for having
liposuction surgery
I can't be outside
for five days.
Dude, we just need you to come
down to city wok real quick
So they can see
how skinny you are.
You guys already got me
in dutch for being fat.
And then i got in double dutch
for having liposuction.
And now you're asking me
to be in triple dutch?
Unh-Uh, i'll never be
that dutch.
Kenny would've
done it.
Yup.
You guys remember what a
cool friend kenny was?
God, he was always up
for helping us out.
Man, he was the
best friend ever.
Look, fellas,
i can't do it.
My mom and dad call in
every hour from work
To make sure i'm here.
If i don't answer the phone
they'll know i'm up to no good.
All right,
all right.
I'll stay here and answer
the phone for you.
But you don't
sound like me.
"But you don't
sound like me.
"My name is butters,
and i'm a little pussy
Who won't help his
friends make money."
Wow, that was
pretty good.
All right, it's settled,
come on, butters.
Don't forget, a third of that
$4 million is mine.
Well, hello.
I'm just checking in
on you, butters.
Do i hear the television?
We told you, no television
while you're grounded.
Oh, gee whiz, i'm not
watching television, dad.
I'm just laying around
jacking it.
Jacking it?
Jacking what?
Well, my hot spicy boner,
of course, dad.
What?! Are you trying to get
yourself in more trouble
With that kind of
language?
Loosen up, you bloody
vaginal belch.
Oh, you are gonna
get it, mister.
You just wait
until i get home!
Bring it on,
queer bait.
Yes.
I tell my girlfriend i have
aides and she leaves.
I tell the world to get aides
and they think i'm crazy.
I offer to give aides to kids
and everyone wants me dead.
What's wrong with aides?
Why doesn't anyone want me
to give them aides?
There he is, beating
that dead horse.
Aah!
Welcome to chitty wok.
Take your order, please.
We have great news.
Our friend lost 40 pounds
eating your city wok food.
Here's the before-
And-After photos.
He lose weight
eating chitty wok?
That's right.
So now you can pay us to
use him in your commercials
And you'll have your
very own jared.
Oh, no, no way.
I'm not putting no jared
in my chitty wok commercial.
Why not?
Don't you know?
Everybody hate jared.
He want everyone in the world
to have aids.
He sick in the head.
What?
I don't want chitty wok
to have nothing to do
With jared
and his aids.
Wait, everyone
hates jared now?
Yeah, they
gonna kill him.
They're gonna kill jared
downtown right now.
Ah! Come on, guys,
we gotta sort this out.
Here's some
anthrax for ya!
Heh-Heh, heh-Heh.
Anthrax is giving me
colon cancer.
Hello.
Butters,
your father called
And said you
made him very upset.
Yeah, well, dad's being
a little pussy, mom.
Butters, where did you get
that kind of smart mouth?
Not from you dumb-Asses,
that's for sure.
Oh, you just wait until
i get home, mister!
I'll be waiting
with bells on,
You old
horse-Banging skank.
Hey, that's some
anthrax over there!
Why did i ever do those
stupid commercials?
All right, jared,
you sick pervert,
Do you have anything to say
before you die?
Wait!
You're all making
a mistake!
Stay back, children.
Jared wants to
give you aids.
No, you don't
understand.
Jared doesn't
have aids-Aids,
He has assistants-
Two guys that help him lose
weight that he calls his aides.
Hmm.
Oh.
You mean, jared's aides
are like my aides?
Yes.
You mean
you all thought-
Oh my gosh!
Oh boy,
do i feel stupid.
We're so sorry, jared.
No, no,
it was my fault.
I can't believe i, i didn't
even think what i was saying.
So he was saying
Children should have help
like he had.
Yeah.
This has gotta be about the
biggest misunderstanding ever!
Oh my god.
I told my girlfriend i wanted
her to share my aides.
Oh, no wonder she left.
Can you imagine...
what we thought when you said
"Aides for everyone
foundation"?
Oh, brother!
Hey.
We're all laughing.
Oh hey, yeah, we would've never
laughed about this before.
Well, don't you see
what this means?
It's been 22.3 years, so...
aids is finally funny.
He's right,
it's happened.
Hey, everybody!
Aids is finally funny.
All right!
Woo hoo, hooray!
I knew it would be
funny one day.
Aids.
Then it's time.
We can undo the banner.
Ooh! Ohh!
Hooray!
Tom, i'm standing
in the town square
Where just moments ago
It was declared that aids
can finally be joked about.
What a great day
for humanity.
Aids quilt.
Oh boy,
this fantastic.
I'm so glad aids
is funny now.
Okay, so now, you wanna use our
friend in your commercials?
Sure, okay, i pay you
15 "dorrar".
15 dorrar?
But jared got millions.
Hey, i'm not subway,
i chitty wok.
Chitty wok don't have
million dollars.
Oh, god damn it!
Oh, just forget
the whole thing then.
Okay.
Hey, you kids know why
chicken cross road?
Why?
'Cause it had aids.
Aids so funny.
Well, so much
for our money.
Yeah, but y'know,
i learned something today.
It would've been wrong for us
to exploit butters' weight loss,
Because then lots of fat people
would've believed it,
And then gone and eaten
a ton of chinese food
Instead of
dieting properly.
They'd still be fat,
And we'd be responible for
their shattered dreams.
Yeah, i don't think like
shattering fat peoples' dreams.
Besides, i'd get grounded.
Oh jesus, i'm supposed
to be grounded!
There you are, butters.
Are my mom and dad
back home yet?
No, but they're
due home any minute.
Come on,
you're just in time.
Oh boy!
Mom and dad didn't find out
i left the house, did they?
No, i totally
covered for you.
They completely believed
i was you on the phone.
Oh, goody!
Here you go, i drew some
pictures with crayon
So it looked like
you were here all day.
And i ate a little food
so it looked like you ate.
And i fed your cat.
Perfect.
All right, i better get out
of here before they get back.
Hey, eric.
Thanks for
covering for me.
You're a real pal.
Butters, it was
my pleasure.
Hi, mom and dad.
Don't you "hi, mom and dad" us,
you little punk!
Oh dad!
You don't even know the
trouble you're in, mister!
What i do?
What i do?
You think
you're tough now?
Answer me!
Oh man,
if i was older
I would totally start
jacking off right now.
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