South Park S06E15 The Biggest Douche in the Universe

Be careful with my baby.
What have we got?
Not sure. It looks like
a possible code five six!
Kenny. Can't have Kenny.
You're going to be okay, baby.
Give me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT.
-And get something for the kid, too.
-Is he going to be okay??
Let the doctor do his work, ma'am.
Doctor! Did you find out
what's wrong with him?
I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
Why?? What's wrong with him??
It's his time. It's ...running out.
Well what does he need?
He needs to have more time.
What can we do?
Well, I suppose we could
try a time transplant.
I'll have to call in a specialist.
It's going to be okay, baby.
We're going to get you more time.
Ey Kenny! God-damn you Kenny!
Hello there, children.
Chef, Cartman is in the
hospital. They think he might die.
Yeah, and, we don't know
whether or not we should care.
Well what's wrong with him?
Well, nobody seems to know but
we think it's because he drank
Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman
drank it, thinking it was chocolate milk mix.
Children, why didn't you
tell me about this sooner?
Well like we said, we didn't know
whether or not we should care?
Well you should. Cartman is your
friend whether you like him or not!
Now, come on! We've gotta
get to that hospital!
He's looking a little better today.
Yes, but his time is
still getting weaker.
It will give out soon
unless we do something.
Hey you guys! How's it goin'?
Cartman?
No, that's Kenny.
What the hell are you
assholes doing here?!
That's Cartman.
Oh my God! Eric, how long
have you been channelin' Kenny?
Oh, about a month.
Let's not validate his delusions.
Kenny? Kenny, do you know
what you need to get free?
He's gone again.
Ms. Cartman,
we need to get Cartman to a meeting room
to speak with people who have crossed over.
What?? That's preposterous! What
this child needs is a time transplant!
This hospital isn't gonna do any good.
We need to take him to see John Edward.
Hey, I've seen that guy. He has
a TV show where he brings poeple
on and talks to their dead relatives.
That's right. We have to
go see him in New York.
I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's
time could give out at any minute.
He needs to be kept here where
his time could be monitored.
Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing
roulette with my child's life!
Ooo wait, Hairspray is showing in
New York, isn't it? Let's go there.
Good. You children need to come too.
Eric needs all the support
he can get right now.
We're gong to New York?
Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York.
We are happy to show you a
feature film during the flight.
In a moment we'll be showing a preview.
-Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
-Awesome!
Rob Shneider was an animal.
Then he was a woman.
And now Rob Schneider is...
a stapler.
And he's about to find out...
that being a stapler
is harder than it looks.
Rob Schneider is...
The Stapler. Rated PG-13
Weak!
That was Kenny laughing, not me.
This must be the place.
Okay audience members, hi,
welcome to the taping of the show.
It's all general seating in there, and
just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear
from the particular dead person you wanna
talk to, so just... keep an open mind.
Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure
he will be able to help you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
Thank you, thank you.
Alright let's get started.
'S coming from over here.
'S the name Mike mean
anything to anybody?
I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike?
Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt?
Mike? Matt? Mi-mmm,
Mi-Mike, m-Mary?
Mary was my mother!
Okay okay, and and she-she's she died?
Yes. Yeh-yes she did.
Okay, and she's telling me there's
something about... the money.
That the, the money is
safe? Is that making sense?
M-mm-m.
Not really.
Must be from somewhere
else in the audience, then.
-Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el
-Uh, over here please?
We have a dead friend.
Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down
boys. It doesn't work that way.
Uh, okay, I I'm getting
...someone now whose name is "g",
-a "t". It's an "l", it's a "m", it's "k".
-Kenny!
Kenny says hi.
Okay, now I'm getting
that Kenny ...died?
We told you that.
And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a good
death. It was like a, it was a sad death.
It was like a, it was like a death that
made people sad. Does that make sense?
Yee-yeah.
Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask
Kenny how we can get him out, please?
Doesn't work that way. Now, Kenny is
telling me that... you're his best friends,
and he's in a ss-safe place.
No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.
Ohh, there's somebody
with him. Who's Kyle?
I'm Kyle.
Oh right. And uh, did an older woman pass,
she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a grandma?
Yeah. My Grandma. She's here?
She says there was something she asked
you to do, and you're not doing it?
She wants you to look
for four white doves.
Oh my God!
Oh now she's sending me a P word.
Maybe it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
My Harry died last year!
Oh, it's comin' from over here. I'm
getting all kinds of voices today. Woo!
Heh hey wait a minute dude.
Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh well,
he's saying that you two used to... do things.
And that those things involved... stuff?
The things did involve stuff, yes.
Aw man, I can't believe I
got fooled by that asshole!
He seemed better on TV?
Yeah. They must edit his
shows down on television
to only show him getting
mostly right answers.
Grandma's watching
me. Always watching me.
Dude, you don't believe that guy
talked to your grandma, do you?
Eric? It must be his time.
I think it's running out!
We've got no choice.
The only people I know now who might
be able to help Eric are my parents.
We'll have to take the
next flight to Scotland.
Okay children, this is your
flight back to Colorado.
Your parents are meeting
you at the airport in Denver.
We don't get to go to Scotland?
It's too far and your
parents want you back home.
Oh well. Good luck getting
Kenny out of you, fatso.
Thanks, asshole.
Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You
children get right on that plane now.
This is the final boarding
annoucenment for Flight 342 to Denver.
That's us. Come on.
Four white birds!
Huh?
There's four white birds!
This is what Grandma wants? She
wants me to attend Jewleeard.
Dude, you were going to see
four white birds eventually.
So is it a coincidence that
Grandma DID talk to me about
going to Jewleeard someday?
Yes. Now, come on. Our
plane is gonna leave.
-I'm not going back.
-What??
I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma
proud! Tell my parents I'll call them.
Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap!
Hey, uh, I need to talk
to Mr. Edward, please.
He doesn't do private readings.
I'm not here for a reading, I just
need to ask him something real quick.
Alright, come on in.
Just wait here. I'll go fetch him.
Jesus Christ.
Here he is.
Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward.
Thank you, thank you.
Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor.
You, you did a reading on my best friend
and uh, well you kind of messed him up.
The John Edward show is not
liable for opinions and materials
given for entertainment purposes only.
Look, my friend Kyle won't
fly back home to Colorado.
All I need you to do is just talk
to him and tell him, you know,
the whole talking to dead
people isn't for real.
Maybe it is for real.
Right, but it's not.
It's a trick you do and I need
you to just let my friend Kyle
know that so he can go on with his life.
Look, people have the right to be
skeptical. I really hear voices in my head.
Yes. We all hear voices in our
heads. It's called "intuition."
Get over yourself and tell
my friend it's just for fun.
Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give
people closure and help them cope with life.
No, you give them false hope and a
belief in something that isn't real.
But I'm a psychic.
No dude, you're a douche.
I'm not a douche! What if I really
believe that dead people talk to me?
Then you're a stupid douche
I think I've had of your bullying me!
Get out of my house
or I'll runs upstairs,
lock myself in my panic
room and call the police!
I'm nine years old.
I'm not talking to your
friend and I'm not a douche!
You'd better get out of my house,
'cause I'm gonna call the police!
You are so a douche!
I'm nominating you for the Biggest
Douche in the Universe award, you douche!
<i>How to be a Psychic
<i>Cold Reading: The Trick of the Pychic
<i>Make Woman Believe You're
Psychic! Then Have Sex with Them!
<i>How to 69 with Yourself
Son of a bitch.
Hey Kenny! Shut up,
Kenny! You shut up, fatass!
Hang in there, sweetie.
We'll be there soon.
Welcome aboard Scotland Air.
Our trip to Edinburgh should
take about twelve hours.
Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!
In the meantime we'd like to
show you a complimentary film.
Oh, good.
Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive
With everything going for him.
Only problem is, he's about to become...
a carrot!
I'm a carrot!
It's 24-carrot comedy.
Rob Schneider is a Carrot. Rated PG-13.
-Oh for the love of Christ.
-I wanna watch, fat boy!
No, Kenny, it's not funny!
Kyle! Kyle!
Don't try and stop me, Stan!
This is what my grandma wants!
Look, I went and saw that John
Edward guy. He's just a big douche.
He's not a douche! He
talked to my grandma!
Kyle, you can't ruin your life based
on what some douchey psychic said.
They all just use a technique
called "cold reading."
They've used it for hundreds of
years to make people believe them.
Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.
No, he's not.
Yeah. My sister told me he knew
our mother's name and when she died.
John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he
walked up to a guy on the street,
and said his dead father wanted to say
"Happy Birthday," and it WAS his birthday.
Yeah kid, how do you explain that?
Alright, look. I'll show you. I
just need a volunteer. How about you?
Oh-ho. Me?
Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead
person is talking to me about you, okay?
Okay.
Okay, watch, Kyle.
Uh, it's an older man,
someone very close to you.
My father?
Does this month, November,
hold a special significance?
My birthday's in November!
Right, because he's saying,
"Tell her 'Happy Brithday.'"
Oh my God.
See, Kyle? I just started
with something really vague.
I chose an older man because I'm
betting that, based on this woman's age,
her father is most likely dead.
But if her father wasn't dead,
I could still say it
was some other older man.
Well then how'd you know
her birthday was in November?
I didn't. I just asked her
if November meant anything.
Her father could have
died in November, or
Thanksgiving could have
been really special for them.
But I go with the birthday and
validate it now, as if I knew, by saying
"He wishes you a Happy Birthday."
What else does he say?
Okay, I'll just use an old standard.
He saying "the money. Stop
worrying about the money."
Oh my God! My sister and I have
been fighting over his inheritance.
That's amazing.
No it isn't! When a father dies,
inheritance is usually an issue,
and money is something
everyone worries about.
That sounds a little too coincidental.
Yes. There's only one explanation.
This kid can communicate with the dead!
-What?!
-Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
-Can you try to reach my grandfather.
-No wait.
You have to tell me if my
sister's in a good place.
Kid, how would you like your
own talking to the dead show?
Hi Pop.
Junior! Aw, son, it's
good to see you now.
These are my friends, the Cartmans.
Well come on in out of the cold now.
There's heavy fog on the moors tonight.
Well, look what the
cat dragged in, Nelly.
-Oh, my baby come home!
-Hi, Momma!
Lord, I thought you
wasn't comin' till nine.
Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.
Please, call me Liane.
So nice to have you here, Liane.
And is this the children
you told us about?
Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
Well, let's see here now.
Yep. There's definitely more
than one children in there.
Oh dear.
Nelly, you best have at it now.
Oh Lord, and I just put
the roast in the oven, too.
Ain't gonna have no
time now to baste it.
Don't nobody blame me, a
woman can't bake no roast
and do everything else at the same time.
Can't say that the roast is gonna
be terrible, maybe just a little dry.
But I suppose we can make some extra
gravy to take the dryness out later.
Alright, children, stand
up on this chair now.
Right now?
Yes, right now.
Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.
Just stay still, Eric.
Mom knows what she's doing.
At a vary young age one young
boy learned he had a special gift.
This is "The Other Side."
Okay, listen to me.
Listen very carefully.
This is a trick that I
am doing. Okay? Watch.
All I'm gonna do is say a name
that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay?
They want me to
acknowledge Pete, or Peter.
Yes! Yes, my Peter!
No! Stop clapping!
All I did was pick a random name and wait for
somebody in the audience to give a response.
Now that I see that
there's a lone woman crying,
my instinct tells me
Peter was her husband.
So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!
Stop it! I didn't do anything!
You knew Peter was dead!
I didn't start by saying Peter is dead!
I started by saying, "They
want me to acknowledge Peter."
That could have meant Peter was in the
audience or that Peter was somebody's friend,
or Peter had died. I
couldn't be wrong, see?
Now, I can look at this woman
and see that she's fairly young,
so odds are her husband was
fairly young when he died.
So I can say something like,
"I'm getting that Peter's
death was very untimely"
Yes, it was.
Amazing!
Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Okay. Let's back up.
Not literally!
In the name of all that is holy
we command this spirit be set free!
There we go! We're
gettin' somethin' now!
Come on out, spirit. Go!
Come on out hyow! It's safe!
Here it comes! The
spirit is comin' out hyuh!
Oooo, that's the potatoes.
Well hold on the potatoes
two seconds, woman!
The soul's comin' out hyuh!
It's almost done. Alright, son.
Now bring me the victim child!
The victim child?
Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice
so we could Kenny's soul into its body.
Oh Lord, they didn't
bring a victim child.
Where were we gonna find
a child to secrifice?
We weren't gonna ask you
where you got it from.
God-damnit! The spirit's out
and it don't have no where to go!
Lord, Thomas, don't let
it get on the curtains.
Rob Schneider derp de derp.
Derp de derpity derpy derp.
Until one day, the
derpa derpa derpaderp.
Derp de derp. da teedily dumb.
From the creators of Der,
and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too,
Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp
Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb.
Rated PG-13.
Here. Look, Kyle.
I found tons of testimonials on the
Internet saying that John Edward has the
entire studio wired to hear what people
are talking about before the show.
And, he pays actors to
be plants in the audience.
You're just jealous he's
a better psychic than you.
Fine, I give up! You wanna stay
in New York?! Then go ahead!
So, you think you can talk to
dead people better than me, huh?!
No, I don't think either of us can.
They told me your show is
getting better ratings than mine,
that you're saying I'm
a fraud on your show!
You'd better not ever call me a
liar, or a fake, or a douche again,
or else I'll sue you for slander!
I'm saying this to you,
John Edward, you are a liar,
you are a fake, and you
are the biggest douche ever!
Everything I tell people is
positive and gives them hope!
How does that make me a douche?!
Because the big questions
in life are tough:
Why are we here? Where are
we from? Where are we going?
But if people believe in
asshole douchey liars like you,
we're never gonna find the
real answer to those questions.
You aren't just lying, you're slowing down
the progress of all mankind, you douche!
I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge
you to a psychic showdown!
I'll prove to the world that
I'm psychic and you're not!
Fine, douche!
I'm not a douche
Well come on, the soul's in
here! It can't escape now.
It's goin' to the light! Unfortunately,
it's the livin' room light.
I'll open a window, you
try to chase it out, Thomas.
Go on now, soul now!
Here, spirit, come out the
window. I'll give you tree-fiddy.
Now don't go offerin' the
soul no tree-fiddy, woman!
I'm just tryin' to persuade it.
Well I know, but you can at least
start at about two quarter or somethin'
Aw Christmas, there it goes again!
It's headin' for the kitchen!
Aw, Thomas, the pot roast!
-Over here!
-Get it down.
Don't let it get in the roast!
Oh. Well. I guess the
child's a pot roast now.
What do we do with it now?
Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic
wrap so you can take it home with ya.
Should last a few months in the freezer.
Hey, ah I feel a lot better.
Eric, you're okay!
Oh, baby, your time is back!
This child is clean.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
it's "Psychic Showdown."
Here are John Edward, and Stan Marsh.
Thank you. Alright, asshole! I know you're
here to try to throw me off, so go ahead.
Give my yoru best shot!
No, I don't wanna talk to you.
I wanna talk to the audience.
Wah-why?
You see, I learned something today.
At first I thought you were all stupid,
listening to this douche's advice,
but now I understand that you're
all here because you're scared.
You're scared of death and he offers
you some kind of understanding.
You all want to believe in
it so much, I know you do.
You find comfort in the
thought that your loved ones are
floating around trying to
talk to you, but thnk about it:
Is that really what you want?
To just be floating around after you
die, having to talk to this asshole?
We need to recognize this stuff
for what it is: magic tricks.
Because whatever's really
going on in life and in death
is much more amazing than this douche.
You're right, Stan. My
Grandma isn't floating around,
judging me and watching
what I do. She's dead.
Dead and gone forever.
Yeah.
But I do have a special
power! I know I do!
There's nothing special about
you, dude. Get over yourself.
God-damnit, I'm special!!
What the?
Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy.
We seek the great John Edward.
Why that... that's me!
Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
Well, thank you very much!
No, it can't be.
I am Quagmar, and this is the
Intergalactic BDIU Committee.
Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform
you that you have been nominated for
Biggest Douche In the Universe!
What?!
You are the first nominee
from the Milky Way Galaxy.
Congratulations!
Oh, dude!
If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll give
you a first-class ride to the awards show.
No, wait! I'm not a douche!
I make people feel good about
themselves! I give people resolution!
Now do you people believe me?
Well I don't know. How did Edward
know my father died in March?
God-damnit that was a long flight!
I thought we'd never get out
of stinky-ass smelly Scotland!
Oh it's so good to have you acting
like yourself again, sweetie.
Well, come on. We'd better
get Kenny back to his parents.
Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?
I thought you got it.
It's still in baggage claims!
Aw, damnit! Come on! We've
gotta find him! Kenny!
Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular
comedic actor who seemed to have it all,
until one day, he came across a pot
roast, and his life changed forever.
Now he's sharing his body
with an eight-year-old boy.
And he's about to find out
that being eight
ain't so great.
Rob Schneider is KENNY! Rated PG-13.
Live, from the space station
Xion, in the Vuntlin Galaxy.
It's the Biggest Douche
In the Universe Award!
This year's nominees are...
Quaglar the Desctructor,
Andromeda Galaxy, Planet J-11
Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax
Galaxy, Planet Neeu.
Derrr.
John Edward, Milky Way
Galaxy, Planet Earth.
I'm not a douche!
And finally, Ursula, the giant douche
from the Horsehead Nebula, Station J-12.
And the winner for Biggest
Douche In the Universe is...
It's John Edward, Milky
Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!
Uh no, come on now!
Here he is, the Biggest
Douche of the Universe!
In all the galaxies, there's
no bigger douche than you!
You've reached the top,
the pinnacle of douchedom!
Good going, douche. Your
dreams have come true!
Da derpa derpa derpaderp.
Da Derp Dee Derp Da
Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb