South Park S03E16 Are You There God, It's Me Jesus

Dude, what're we gonna do for New
Year's Eve?! It has to be awesome!
I know! It's probably gonna be
the biggest night of our lives!
- Y'guys! Y'guys! Guess what!
- What, fatass?!
I've become a man!
I started pubrity, y'guys!
- What?! - No you didn't!
- Yes! I really did!
- How do you know?! - Well,
because yesterday, I got my period!
- You got your what?!
- My period, y'guys!
You see, there comes a time in every
child's life when they grow up and
nature starts to take its course by
having you bleed out of your ass
for a few days every month!
- You're making that up!
Miss Alton, what's it
mean to get a period?!
Well, boys, I don't
think I can tell you! Uh...
Please! It's important!
Well, it's when pubrity
hits and you bleed...
you know... down there!
- Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right!
Well, guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to
hang out with you on New Year's Eve!
I have to hang out with the older
crowd because now, I'm mature!
I got my period and
you guys didn't!
Dude, Cartman can't
hit pubrity before us!
Well, maybe we'll get ours soon too! I'm
gonna go see if I'm bleeding out my ass!
Me too!
In local news, a stomach
virus is going around
that is causing bleeding of
the colon in some small children!
Doctors are telling parents that
the virus is nothing to worry about
and that the infections can be
dealt-with with simple antibiotics!
Well, it's just four days until
New Year's Eve 1999!
The new millenium is almost
upon us, and all over the world,
people have started to celebrate by
dancing, singing, and killing one another!
But, probably, the biggest event of
the millenium is one happening in
South Park, Colarado, where people have
gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ!
Craig Nezzo is standing by!
Thank's, Tom! It is indeed four
days until the new millenium
and hundreds if not thousands of people have
come from all over the world seeking Jesus
here at his house in South Park!
Everyone is giddy with
anticipation for Jesus to come out
because, as we all know, if Jesus comes
out of his and is not scared by his shadow,
it means the next thousand years
will be full of peace and love!
Oh! It looks like
Jesus might be coming out!
- Oh, look, Tommy! There he is! Can
you see him?! - He's neat, mommy!
Everyone is quiet here, Tom! Looks
like the little fellow's a bit nervous!
But, he has taken another step out!
Tom, this is great news for us!
What are you people doing?
Can I help you with something?
Well, it's the millenium, Jesus!
Well, it's the millenium!
So, what happens at the millenium?
- I don't know!
- We thought YOU did!
Yeah! You're s'posed to know! - Yeah!
You're Jesus! You're s'posed to know!
Oh! Well... Yea! Believe in
me an ye shall find peace!
Yeah, yeah, yeah! We've heard that
crap for about 2000 years now!
We wanna hear something new! It's
the year 2000 for Christ's sake!
Well, wha'd'you want?!
- We want to see God!
- Yeah! With our own eyes!
We followed blindly for thousands
of years and we think the least
God can do is show up
for New Year's Eve 1999!
Uh, lemmie think
about that for a minute!
- Is that good?!
- I don't know!
Dude! Did you get your period yet?! - No!
There's no blood coming out of my ass!
Mine neither,
but I double checked
and Cartman was right! Your
period is that start of pubrity!
Well, if Cartman's the only one who
gets it and he thinks he's too grown-up
to hang out with us on New Year's
Eve, then screw him anyways!
C'mon, Cartman! We have
to make plans for New Years!
Hold your horses, guys! This is
very important for mature people!
"Offers complete protection
during heavy flow".
"Makes main stoppage
of vaginal chunks".
Oh! This one's
got wings, y'guys!
Whoopie! I got my
period! I got my period too!
- You did?! - You got
your period too, Kenny?!
Yeah, you guys! I got home, sat
on the toilet, and I got my period!
Well, welcome to the club, Kenny! You
got your period, so now you're a man!
We can hang out
together on New Year's Eve!
But first, you need to buy some
maxipads to stuff in the back of your
pants so you don't get
blood on your underwear!
Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus
was going to come out of his house,
but then, he went back inside!
But meanwhile, more and more people are
showing up to show their support for Jesus!
Well, the way I see, if he
really is who he says he is,
well, he'd better do
something on New Year's Eve,
'cause it's in the Bible!
Father, I need to talk to you!
Please, father! Appear to me!
What is it, my child?!
Father, everyone is starting to pay attention
to me again because of the new millenium!
I'm kinda making a come-back!
Yea! Like John Travolta before you!
You are experiencing a second revival!
It's the millenium, father!
People want to see you!
Nay! Their eyes are not yet
prepared to see the likes of me!
But dad, I think this may be
my one big shot at a come-back!
Be ye careful of pride, Jesus!
- Just make an appearance!
You can come down, say hi to a few
people, and can be back by 12:30!
I'm sorry, my son,
but if you want to earn everyone's
love, you will have to do it yourself!
Ike, can I talk to you?!
- Uh, uh! We're different!
Ike, I don't know what to do! All
the guys are getting their periods
and I don't think I am! I can't be
the last one to get it! I just can't!
Buh, buh! Cheerie!
Cartman got his, then Kenny!
What if tomorrow Stan says
he got his and I'm left out!
I might not even get to
be their friend anymore!
No! Words are sucker! Mogie!
Moogamo goust! Cabagoust!
Yeah! I could just SAY I got my
period! It's not like they'll check!
I can just say I got my period
cause I really WILL get it someday!
It's not really lying! It's
just jumping the gun a little!
Cooka makker!
- Thanks a lot, Ike!
So you guys aren't gonna
spend New Year's Eve with us?!
Look! Kenny and I are mature now! We can't
spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids!
Did you get your maxipads, Kenny?!
- No, I went and got a tampon!
Tampon?! What's a tampon?!
It's a dildo! You stick it in your
ass! - Ew! Doesn't that hurt?!
- YOU GUYS! I GOT MY PERIOD TOO!
- Wow! Cool!
- You did?!
- Yeah!
I was just hangin' out in my room and
then I perioded all over the place!
Alright! You have to be in
me and Kenny's club then!
My mom gave me this "Women
who Run with the Wolves" book and
I'm finding out all about
our goddess powers!
Awesome! We get powers?!
Yeah! C'mon! We can set up everything in my
clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve!
Hey! Don't feel bad, Stan!
Some of us just mature
a little later than others!
"Are you there, God?! It's me!
Stan! If you wouldn't mind,
I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't
get his period before the new year!
Could you speed up my development a
little?! Thanks, God! Your friend, Stan!"
"Are you there, God?!
It's me! Jesus!
I feel like I got a real
shot at a come-back, God!
For whatever reason, people
are starting to follow me again!
I'm two-thousand years old, but
I feel like I'm twenty-eight again!
I think I'm going to
win everybody back
because I just made a few phone calls
and I'm going to put on the most amazing
New Year's specticle this
world has ever seen!"
Good morning, South Park! It's 8 AM and
only 2 more days until the new millenium!
Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Stanley, honey,
what's the matter?!
I'm not bleeding out of my ass!
Well, that's good, honey!
No, it's not! It's terrible!
Are you there, God! It's me! Stan!
How come you didn't help me?
I know you're really busy with things,
but this is a matter of life and death!
If I don't get my period, my friends won't let
me hang out with them on New Year's Eve!
Please! Please, give
me my period soon!
- Here he comes!
- He's coming out!
I've given it much thought,
my children, and you were right!
After reviewing the Bible,
it does indeed say that something very
big is going to happen at the millenium!
I have spoken to
my father in heaven
and he agreed that the millenium
is significant to all of us,
and ye who believe in
me SHALL be rewarded!
So, what we're gonna do,
tomorrow night New Year's Eve 1999,
we just got Rod Stewart to agree to
play a COME-BACK CONCERT AT THE
RIO HOTEL CASINO IN LAS
VEGAS, AND YOU'RE ALL GOING!
We knew you could do it, Jesus!
I better book myself
a flight to Vegas!
For he is Saviour!
For he is Lord!
He give me hope when
I have only been born!
And he lifts me up
with his gentle arms!
Okay! Is everyone accounted for?
- Goddess Wind!
- Here!
Goddess Moon!?
GODDESS MOON!?
- I'm here!
And I'm here,
Goddess Earthly Delights!
So this is the first meeting of our club
for teens who have gotten their periods!
We're s'posed to talk about our periods
and boys! Let's talk about boys first!
I think Craig is pretty cool, but
I don't think Clyde is very cool!
I think Clyde is kinda cool, but Craig
is definitely cooler than Clyde!
Yeah! I agree! I think that Craig is cooler
than Clyde, and Clyde is a dirty dumb fuck!
Okay! That settles that! Now let's talk
about our periods! Kyle, you first!
What's the matter, Kyle?
Nothing!
My period is really...
My period is going swimmingly!
Okay! That makes sense! Mine's
going swimmingly too! - Mine too!
Oh! Hello, Stan!
- Hey, Chef!
- How's it goin'?
Bad!
Why bad?!
- Can I come in?
- Well, sure!
Now what's the matter,
little cracker?
Chef, I have this friend! See?! And
this person's really bummed out
because everyone else the same age has
gotten their period and this person hasn't!
- Oh! Your talkin' about your
older sister Shelly? - No!
Your little girlfriend Wendy!
Look, it doesn't matter who it is!
The point is that everyone else got
their period and this person hasn't!
Look, Stan! Do you really know what a
period is? - Yeah! Cartman told us!
Stan, let me sing you a little
song about the menstral cycle!
I think it might clear
things up for you! - Okay!
I'm alright!
I'm, I'm cool! It's okay!
Watch out for
the bedspread, baby!
I'll tell ya what!
Why don't I call you next week?
And that's my song about the menstral
cycle! Stan, did that clear things up for you?
So what you're saying is this
person shouldn't be bummed
because everybody has their
period at a different time!
- Is that what I said?!
- But it's not fair!
It's not fair that one day you're on top,
you're the coolest kid in town,
and then the next day
you're at the bottom again
because everyone has blood
coming out of their ass but you,
and if I can't menstruate then, by God,
I'm gonna sit around and be the
only periodless eight-year-old boy!
I'm gonna do something about it!
Whoa! I must've missed
a whole little part there!
Can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart
is about this millenium concert!
He's gotten a little older, but you're
gonna see how much he can still rock!
H'oh! I'm excited too!
I think it'll bring my father's children
back to their faith and back to mine eyes,
for I am the lamb of God!
Yeah! And, ya know Rod is a seasoned
veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask
for a bit more cash, but we can talk
about that later! Here comes Rod now!
Hey! Rod! Great to see you!
The folks are sure glad you're playing! It's
really given them a lot of faith in me again!
I'm sure that together we can make this
millenium party the best New Year's bash ever!
- Poop pants!
- What?!
- Poop pants!
- Poo pants?!
- You pooped your pants?!
- Pooped my pants!
Nurse! Mr. Stewart has
apparently pooped his pants!
Again?! Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we
say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?
Yes! Pubrity is a very
wonderful thing, Stan!
It's what links us all
together, makes us one!
But what happens if there's someone
who never went through pubrity?
Never went through pubrity?!
Who never went through pubrity?
Nobody! I mean,
uh, well, my dad!
Your father never
went through pubrity?
No, and that's why he sent me here, 'cause
he's too embarrassed to come himself!
Well, I can't say that I blame him! - So
do you know anything that can help him?
Well, I should think the most logical
solution would be Hormones! - Hormones?
Yes! Here! Tell you father to take
just one of these pills every week!
It could be just what he needs!
And be sure to tell him that
his secret is safe with me!
Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto!
You're the best!
My pleasure! I just
love helping people!
Now for our first club activity! We're
s'posed to reach into this little dish and
pull out a word! We look at the word and
think about what that word means to us!
Today's word is "Spirituality".
What that means to me is...
Hey, assholes!
Oh, look! It's that little boy who
hasn't got his period yet!
Don't you worry about that!
I've started taking Hormones!
- Hormones? - Yeah! They make you have
your pubrity quicker, and I'm just here to
tell you that my pubrity is gonna
be bigger than any of you guys's!
Dude, I don't think eight-year-olds
are s'posed to take Hormones!
Yeah! You shouldn't force your period, Stan!
You should let it come like the morning dew!
So what're we gonna
do for New Year's?
Well, we're going with
our families to Las Vegas!
I guess there'll be some younger
kids there too if you wanna go!
I'm gonna go take
some more Hormones!
Now, the word is "Spirituality".
I believe that the goddess in
me is more spirituality because...
Quiet, Kenny! The goddess
lives in all of us and has...
Goddammit, Kenny!
Shut the hell up!
Whoa, dude!
- Mr. and Mrs. McKormic?
Yes?
I'm sorry! We couldn't
save your son!
Oh, my God! My little Kenny's
gone! I can't believe it!
We just didn't get to him in time!
There's nothing we could do!
What happened?!
What killed him, doctor?!
Well, we found a tampon
stuck up your child's ass!
Apparently, he'd had it
up there for several days!
It plugged him up until he finally burst from
the inside out like a ruptured septic tank!
Oh, my God!
My worry is that he could've been
following some kind of crazy new fad!
Perhaps the children are all
shoving tampons up their ass
because they've seen the Backstreet
Boys doing it on TV or something!
We must get to the bottom of
this, if you'll pardon the pun!
But, actually right now, I've gotta
catch a plane to Las Vegas
to see the Rod
Stewart millenium show!
Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas
where tommorrow night,
THE New Year's Eve
event is going to happen!
Jesus Christ,
our lord and saviour,
is presenting Rod Stewart,
the undisputed king of pop,
right here at this
hotel behind me!
It looks as thought Jesus
really has come through!
Everyone is very excited
because rumour has it
that GOD himself is gonna show
up to the event! - What?!
How 'bout you, ma'am?! Do you think
God is gonna show up tommorrow night?
Of course, he is! This is Jesus we're
talking about! He wouldn't let us down!
Oh, no!
Are you there, God?
Father! Will you please reconsider
and show up tomorrow?
Hello?
Stanley, wake up, honey! It's
time to leave for Las Vegas.
Whoa, dude! I've got boobs!
Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool
place for us mature people!
Alright, people! Are we
ready to rock the millenium?
Father in heaven, please let tonight's
show go well! Please make them like it!
Hey! Here comes Stan.
Have I missed anything? - Wow, Stan!
You've really got some nice titties there!
- Did you get your period yet,
Stan? - No, I didn't, but...
But don't worry!
You'll get it someday!
C'mon, Kyle! Let's go see what kind of
tampons they have here in Las Vegas!
Well, I tell you one thing! I, sure as heck,
am excited! We've got about four hours
to the new year and so I
think it's time to START IT UP!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
HERE HE IS! AS PROMISED,
MR. ROD "DO YA THINK
I'M SEXY" STEWART!
Uh, pooped 'em.
- This sucks balls!
- Yeah!
- Alright! Enough of this!
Bring out God! - Yeah!
Oh, no!
WE WANT GOD! WE WANT GOD!
Please, father! Do something!
Uh, folks! I'm afraid God
can't make it tonight!
We came all the way
to Las Vegas for this?
This is the worst New Year's
ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Let's get'im!
Well, Tom, I'm here
live in Las Vegas
and what is quickly becoming
known as the gayest party ever!
Everyone is so outraged that
they are building a large cross
in which to once again crucify
our lord and saviour, Jesus Christ!
Jesus, why does God hate me?!
He doesn't hate YOU! He hates ME!
He's gonna let me be crucified again!
He hates me more!
He doesn't answer my prayers!
I pray to him everyday
and he never answered me!
Well, yeah, but just because God
doesn't answer your prayers
doesn't mean he
doesn't care about you!
Well then, why didn't he
give me what I wanted?
Well, God can't just answer every
prayer and suddenly give you
everything you want! That takes all the
living out of life! - Wha'd'you mean?
If God answered all our prayers, there'd
be nothing left for us to do ourselves!
Life is about problems and
overcoming those problems,
and growing and
learning from obsticals!
If God just fixed everything for us,
then there'd be no
point in our existance!
That's why he wouldn't show up to my
New Year's party! - I just want my period!
I get it now, father! I had
to learn all this on my own!
I was overcome with
my new popularity and,
and I let pride get in the
way of good judgement!
Whoa! What is that?!
It's dad!
God?! God is going to show himself?
- Look! I can see him!
Father! You came!
Now, look upon me,
my children, as you know me!
Be not afraid!
Blessed art thou, my children!
That's God?
Yea! 'Tis my father the creator!
He is the alpha, the omega,
the beginning, and the end!
Well, yeah, but THAT?!
What did you expect me
to look like, my son?
Well, not like that!
Since it is the end of
the first 2000 years,
I will allow you, my children,
to ask me one question!
- One question?
- Only one?!
What should we ask him?
We have to think carefully! We
can ask him anything we want like:
"What's the meaning of life?"
or "Why are we here?"!
I have it! I have the question!
Now, you have to
answer me once and for all!
HOW COME I HAVEN'T
GOTTEN MY PERIOD YET!?
My child, you are a boy!
Boys do not get periods!
That's only for girls!
Your friends were bleeding a
little bit out of their asses
because of an acute colon infection,
and your friend Kyle simply lied about it!
How'd he know that?!
You will get pubrity
when the time is right,
but you will never have a period
because you are a man... with titties!
Thus speaketh the Lord!
And now, I return to heaven!
Hey, wait! That doesn't count
as our question! Does it?!
I will answer another on New
Year's Eve in the year 4000!
Did you hear that, everbody?! I'm
not ever S'POSED to have my period!
That's why God wasn't
answering me before!
Boy! I'm sure glad
everything worked out okay!
I guess now we can all
celebrate the New Year, huh!
Let's get'im!