South Park S04E14 Helen Keller! The Musical

<i>Doctor, doctor! Will
our daughter be okay?
<i>I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller,
<i>but I'm afraid your daughter Helen
still cannot see, hear, or speak.
<i>Oh no! NO!
<i>Ere 'ere, my good wife,
'ere is nothing we can do.
<i>My poor little Helen.
<i>She can't see or hear us, John.
<i>E-yes. Perhaps she
should go to an asyluh.
Stan, what the hell is wrong with
you? I can't understand your lines!
Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.
Can we take a lunch break now?
No! If we want our play to be
better than the kindergartners' play,
we have to rehearse as much as
possible! Now let's continue the scene!
Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan,
and I believe I can teach
this child to communicate.
Uh-eally? Uh you think so?
Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!
God-damnit, Timmy! Helen
Keller isn't suposed to talk!
Hey you guys! We got a big problem!
What is it, Butters?
The kidnergartners! I just
came from their dress rehearsal.
Hoh, it's good, you
guys. It's real good!
How good?
They got Pilgrim outfits!
And Indian ones, too!
and boy you've never seen such a show!
Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!
Oh, no!
We can't be outdone
by the kindergartners!
-Oh, now what?
-Oh yeah, we can't!
Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look,
we still got four days until the Thanksgiving festival; that's plenty of time to revamp our play!
Revamp how?
The rules are that the fourth grade class
has to perform the Helen Keller Story.
Yeah, but nobody told
us how we had to do it.
We can have Thanksgiving
stuff and music numbers, too.
Well, we can add music numbers, but
how do we make the Helen
Keller story more Thanksgivingy?
I know! How about, instead of a
dog, Helen Keller has a pet turkey.
Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks.
Yeah
That's the spirit, gang!
Alright. Stan and Wendy, you go out
and find some musical instruments!
Kenny and Clyde, take some kids and buy
some Thanksgiving decorations for the set!
Kyle and Timmy, you go
out and find a turkey!
Okay!
This is gonna be the best version
of the Miracle Worker ever!
Yay!
What kind of turkey are you lookin' for?
A smart one, that can do tricks.
Well, I ain't got a whole lot left,
it bein' almost Thanksgiving and all.
Go ahead, just pick one out.
Oh, that one's a little messed up.
Not exactly the… pick of the litter.
Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids
with that turkey they're gonna be pissed!
Yeah. Best you not take that one.
I was just about to take it out in
the yard and putt a bullet in its head.
What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!
Alright, we'll take him. How much?
Fifty bucks.
But you were just gonna take it out in
the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
I know! Now I gotta find
somethin' else to shoot.
…God-damnit, here!
Alright, Timmy, let's go!
I've got a one-legged
pig if you'd like, too.
Aw, blow it out your ass!
Guys, I want you all
to meet Jeffrey Maynard.
He's South Park's biggest
expert on musical theater, AND,
he played the lead in Les Misérables at the Denver Community Playhouse for five weeks.
Do you think we could make up a
good Thanksgiving play in four days?
I would swear it on my life.
Your play shall want for nothing.
Hooray!
Now, the first thing a good musical
needs is a big opening number.
Something that sets up the entire show.
Alright! Places, everybody!
Bring in the turkey!
What the hell is that?
It's a turkey. His name is Gobbles.
And where… pray… is our
beautiful trick performing turkey?
Um, we… sssort of spend
all the money on this… one…
Kyle, can I talk to you
over here for a second?
Kyle? Why do you do these things to me?
I didn't do anything to you.
Timmy saw the turkey
and wanted to get it.
What do you want me to say to him?
You say, "No, Timmy, you can't
have that turkey! Bad Timmy!"
Look, I know it isn't exactly what
we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
He's not gonna work, Kyle.
The whole point was to make our
play better than the kindergartners.
Yeah, that turkey sucks.
Wait! What's that, you say?
A thanksgiving turkey
is what you require?
I know of a turkey.
You do?
During my years on Broadway I…
worked with a turkey who
could do all kinds of tricks.
She even jumped through a hoop of fire.
Cool! Can you get it for us?
I will go promptly and call her trainer.
On the morrow you shall have
your trick performing turkey.
Alright!
No no no!
Boopsie-kins, It's late.
You need to be in bed.
I can't sleep, Mom! I have
to write the lyrics for the
opening song of our Helen
Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!
Now, hon!
But Mo-o-om, I have to write
these lyrics so the plight
of Helen Keller can be
realized by the common man.
Twenty more minutes, and that's it.
Twenty minutes!
Does Tim Rice's mom give him twenty minutes to write the lyrics to "Phantom Of The Opera"?
Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice.
Come on, you blind bitch!
Channel your spirit through me!
Tonight we present the story of a courageous girl and her fight against depression
OP-pression!
Oppression.
Our play begins in a simpler
time. Alabama, in the late 1800's
<i>1800's, Alabama! What
a great place and time!
<i>We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny and there is no crime!
Now to the refrain!
<i>And in this little town in 1800's Alabama
there's a family by the name of Keller!
<i>Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as
a bat, and her parents can't even tell her!!
Excuse me, I am Lamond,
the animal trainer.
Oh. Cool! He's here!
Awesome! Do you have a
turkey that can do tricks?
Ap ap! Do not call them tricks!
She's a very sensitive turkey!
She performs feats, not tricks.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present
the most beautiful bird in America!
Four-time prize winner of the National Western Stock Show and reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com!
I give you Alinicia!
Her feathers are beautiful.
That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.
Of course she is!
Okay! Now we can really
get this thing underway!
Places, everybody!
Where the hell is Timmy?
What… is… that?!
Uh, that's Gobbles, the
physically challenged turkey.
Timmy, we already got a turkey.
Yeah, and it's from Broadway.
No, Timmy! Tha handicapped
turkey does not go in our play!
Dude, don't forget:
Timmy is the only kid who can play
Helen Keller. Don't piss him off.
No, that's right. Only
Timmy knows the part.
Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen
Keller can have TWO pet turkeys!
My turkey does not
work with other turkeys!
Oh, God-damnit, now
what are we gonnan do?!
Alright, ah ah alright!
Alri- ah a-alright. Alright.
Dude, we need your turkey for our play!
She's not coming out. She's very
upset! She's pooped all over the room!
I know, I know, but listen: uhlet me
try to explain the position I'm in here.
The retarded turkey belongs
to our friend, Timmy.
And Timmy's the only person who
knows the part of Helen Keller.
So, so tell me what I can do
here to make everybody happy?
Kill the other turkey!
I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for it.
Well, it could meet with
"an unfortunate accident."
Unfortunate accident? You mean, like
Geena Davis getting her own TV show? Oh.
It's very simple! Either that turkay
meets with an unfortunate accident,
or you don't have a feat-performing turkey
for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving musical!
Alright, alright!
Just get your turkey to stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for rehearsal!
I'll take care of everything.
Water, Helen. It has a name.
Oh, why can't you understand?
Water, Helen, Water.
She's never gonna do it.
There's no way she'll ever do it.
Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.
How can she talk if she can't
hear? This is absolutely pointless!
Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's
hold it right there a second.
Okay, I just want to adjust the
blocking real quick. Hm-let's see.
Uh, why don't we have Turkey #2 stand
just a little bit more over… here.
Let's see, maybe a
little more up in here.
And just a wee bit over here.
And right about… hm'ere.
There we go. Good.
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Aw, crap! I must've
rigged the wrong light!
Let him rest in peace. Let
him rest. Why must he die?
They've got special effects!
What Butters?
The kindergartners! They've
got amazing stage effects.
Pyrotechnics and what have yous. Why,
it's a regular feast for the eyes!
Oh, no!
We're never gonna outdo them now!
But what are we gonna do?
Calm down! Calm down!
We can have special effects, too.
Now, I know a lot is going wrong,
but we've got to stick
together to make this play work!
All of us!
—and into your hands uh he… buh…
Little boy.
Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you.
The others, well, they
don't want you to know, but,
oh, I don't know what
to do. Should I tell you?
I feel I'm the only one
who can be honest with you.
The animal shelter is on its way
to…take your turkeyy away from you.
You see, they don't
allow children in your…
situation… to have wild animals as pets.
You can't take him running, you
can't take care of him. They…
have to take it away.
They take wild pets away
from people like you…
and hand them over for experiments.
And they're shocked, dissected, and
falyed while thery're still alive.
And no matter where you go, the
shelter people will find you.
The only way for that turkey to
avoid years of torture is for you to…
let him go. Back into the wild.
Oh no! Here they come now!
Quick, go! And set your turkey
free! I'll try to stall them.
Eh, excuse me, we're here to install
the water effects for the musical?
Uh, the stage is right through there.
Thanks.
Alright, got to write the new lyrics.
Lemme see. no No. NO!
God-damnit
How is it going, Eric?
Terrible! I can't write the lyrics for
the third act! Nothing's coming to me.
Well, you know in theater sometimes, we try different tricks to get the creative juices flowing.
Like what?
Let's see.
Helen Keller was blind and deaf.
Perhaps you should see what it is like.
Deprive yourself of your senses
and see what plays inside your mind.
Here.
Hey, that's not a bad idea.
Just relax. Just try to let your
mind wander and let the juices flow…
Oh, man!
Well, did you see anything?
No, just the same old crap I
always see when I close my eyes.
…Oh, that's too bad.
Wait. I've got it!
The perfect setup for when Helen Keller's
pet turkey jumps through the hoop of fire!
Yes! Yes! I have it now!
The only way for that turkey to
avoid years of torture is for you to…
let him go… let him go… let him go…
Daddy, why did Mommy
leave and go to heaven?
She didn't want to,
Kevin. She… had no choice.
But I miss her.
I could have so much
more with my life, son.
I've wasted it.
I've wasted it, not ever telling
you and Mark that I love you.
Robby! Robby, no!
…Because now, every time I look at
you , I see her! I have to move on.
Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry.
Then why did you do it??
I don't know!
Have you done the right
things in your life?
Hi, Sheila.
Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?
Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video
camera so he can tape the performance.
Oh, so did Gerald.
Oh yeah, I got a great angle here.
Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we can make copies of each other's tape so we have both.
Good idea.
So wait. Do we do that
spin-around thing on the last beat?
No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay.
You ready for the big show, Timmy?
Where's Gobbles, Timmy?
Alright everybody,
let's take our places!
Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?
I don't know.
I don't know, you guys!
Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else.
I'm not an asshole.
You're going to be brilliant,
you sexy, gorgeous turkey.
With that other meddling animal out
of the way, you'll steal the show!
Well, well, what are doing out here?
You shouldn't be out walking the streets.
Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th
annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant.
Every year the fourth graders
do "The Miracle Worker,"
and every year I have
to sit and watch it.
Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one
more time, I'd put a bullet in my head.
But luckily I got really
stoned before I came.
And now, here it is. The touching story
of Helen Keller, "The Miracle Worker."
<i>Helen Keller, Helen
Keller, blind as a bat.
<i>She can't hear us speak.
What's up with that?
This is "The Miracle Worker"?
I… well… maybe.
Come on. Yaah! Move it!
Holy crow. Look, boys!
A real live wild turkey!
It's tryin' to outsmart
us! Come on, fellas!
<i>John, come quick! Our
little baby's very sick
<i>When I pout she doesn't flinch,
and when she doesn't move an inch.
<i>No, that cannot be.
Honey you are scaring me.
<i>She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!
<i>Helen!
<i>…Helen!
I think our baby's
deaf and blind. Oh no!
Oh no!
Oh no! Oh no!!!
She's brilliant!
Everyone loves her so far.
Hey, the fountains you guys installed
are shorting out some of our lights.
Look, we're only here
to do the water effects.
We're not in charge of electrical.
That's a different union.
Union Mafia bastards!
Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well
in love and theatre, right? Haha.
Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!
He's gone, dude! Butters
says he saw him leave.
Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else
knows the part of Helen Keller!
I do. I know the part.
If I must, I can go on.
…Alright, fine! Get in costume!
There it is!
Hey, hey! I saw it first! I get
the first shot! Here, turkey turkey.
<i>There is nothing we can do for our
poor daughter. We cannot reach her.
<i>I cannot hear what they are saying.
I cannot tell them how I feel.
What the hell is he doing? Helen
Keller isn't supposed to sing!
<i>If only I could say things
that go on in my mind.
Oh, wow.
That's it. Thaaat's it!
Gotcha!
Aw, thank God you're alright, kid.
It was an accident, I swear.
Uh, is there any way we
can make it up to you?
<i>Yes, that's it. That's
it, Helen. Water! WA-TER!
<i>Wawa.
<i>She did it!
<i>She did it! She did it!
Water! Water water aaaaaaaa!
<i>Water, Helen, Water.
<i>We can't believe she did
it.The dumb kid really did it.
<i>Water, Helen, Water.
<i>Now that I can communicate the
world is not so cold and dark.
<i>Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa!
Here it comes, angel! Your big finale!
The audience is going to go wild!
Oh. Back already? Don't worry.
Maynard covered your part flawlessly.
Turkey shoot!
Alinicia! Jesus, no!
Okay, we're ready for the-
What the hell did you assholes do?!
This is supposed to be the big finale where
the turkey jumps through the ring of fire!
Hey, look!
They loved it! They LOVED it!
And finally tonight, parents, we have
the South Park Kindergarten class.
Their play is titled,
"Thanksgiving, Mon Ami."
Okay, here we go.
Dude, it just can't be better
than ours. It just can't be.
<i>It's getting dinner. Let's all eat.
<i>E I E I O.
<i>And on that dinner
we'll invite some Indians
<i>E I E I O.
<i>With an Indian here and an Indian there
<i>Everywhere an Indian,
Indian. Uh thank, thank-
<i>Happy Thanksgiving.
Alright, see you next year, parents.
That's it?
We worked our asses off
to compete with that?!
Butters told us their play was awesome!
…Wow, did you see that?
They had a horse, too!