South Park S03E17 Worldwide Recorder Concert

This Saturday, POX presents the
musical event of the new millennium!
You all remember playing the
recorder in elementary school?
Well this Saturday,
in Oklahoma City,
over four million third-grade
students from all over the country
will gather in one place
and, at the same time,
play "My Country 'Tis Of
Thee" on their recorders!
It's the largest third-grade
recorder concert ever!
Special guest conductor, Yoko Ono,
and woodwind virtuoso, Kenny G,
will lead this fantastic event!
This Saturday at eleven
eastern, ten central!
THE WORLD WILL BE WATCHING!
Okay, children! We still got
some time to practice the song
before we load up the bus
and head out for Oklahoma!
Now, come on! There's gonna be over
4 million third-graders from all over
the country there, and I wanna make
sure that South Park is the best! Okay?
Recorders up!
And a one, and a two, and a...
"of Liberty,"! You're late!
"my fathers"...
What the hell was that?
Goddammit! I don't think you children
have been working on your fingering!
That's not true, Mr. Garrison!
Kyle was working on his fingering
with his mom all night long!
Shut up, fatass!
No, seriously!
Kyle's mom says Kyle getting
really good at fingering! He, he!
Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be four
million children playing this song
at the same time on their recorders,
and so help me God, South Park
Elementary is not gonna be the only ones
that don't know the song! Try again!
Recorders up!
And a one, and a two, and a...
M'kay! That sounded great, kids!
Sure, if you like the sound of a
peacock getting its neck broken!
M'kay! Kids, uh, we have some news!
Uh, there's been terrible
flood in Oklahoma, m'kay,
so the four million recorder children's
event is being moved to Arkansas!
Arkansas?!
What's a Arkansas?!
Is that a state?
The trip shouldn't take any longer,
but I'll hand out these updated
contact sheets so that your parents
will know where you are, m'kay!
Mr. Mackey, can I talk
to you for a second?!
Mr. Mackey, uh, I can't go to Arkansas!
Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me!
What?! We can't find anybody to fill in
for you! Why can't you go to Arkansas?
Arkansas is where I grew up!
My parents live there!
My father still lives there!
Well, don't you wanna see him?
I haven't seen my
father for 23 years!
Uh, perhaps you should sit
down, Mr. Garrison, m'kay!
Mr. Garrison, I know this is very
difficult, m'kay, but I must ask!
Is there a history of sexual
abuse in your family?!
Some! Yes! There was my Uncle
Richard! He... he molested me!
- When was that? - Saturday!
Last... last Saturday!
- He's a parapolegic, but it didn't...
- M'kay, uh, and your father,
he molested you
when you were a boy?
Mr. Garrison, I think when we get to
Arkansas, you need to see your father!
You need to face this
demon in your closet, m'kay!
Don't look at me!
I'll go on your bastard trip
and just don't look at me!
That is pretty cool!
Okay! How 'bout this one, Kenny?
No? How 'bout this?
Interesting!
Let's see! How 'bout this!
- Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
- We're trying to find the Brown Noise!
It's this one pitch, this certain frequency,
that makes people loose bowel control!
What's "loose bowel control"?
That's the scientific term
for crapping your pants!
H'oh, brother!
Here we go again!
Cartman, there is not a sound frequency
that makes people crap their pants!
Yes there is! The French experimented
with it in World War II!
How 'bout this one, Kenny?
There is no Brown Noise, fat boy!
That's nice! When I find it,
I'll just make you crap yourself
so you look like Karen Carpenter!
- Who's Karen Carpenter?
- Mr. Garrison, are you alright?
- Mr. Garrison isn't here right now!
M'kay, Mr. Garrison,
you're just having a hard time
dealing with the memories
of your father's sexual abuse,
so you switch
personalities to Mr. Hat! M'kay!?
Good one, Sherlock!
You figure that all by yourself?
M'kay, I think the best thing for Mr.
Garrison to do is to go see his father!
NO! NO, YOU MORON! MR. GARRISON
CAN'T LET THE MEMORIES IN!
JUST LEAVE US ALONE!
M'KAY, MR. HAT, YOU NEED TO LET
ME TALK TO MR. GARRISON! M'kay!?
WHY WOULD HE WANNA
TALK TO A SECOND RATE,
DOPEY ASSED, ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL PSYCOLOGIST?!
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
YOU HEARD ME, JACKASS!
THERE'S MONKEYS THAT MAKE
BETTER COUNCILORS THAN YOU!
WHY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
hoa! Mr. Mackey and
Mr. Hat are fighting!
I'M GONNA KICK
YOU ASS! M'KAY!?
BE QUIET BACK THERE!!!
You may have won
this time Mr. Hat!
M'kay! I want everyone to stay
together! M'kay?! Nobody move!
- School?!
- Excuse me?!
- What school are you from?
- We're from South Park, Colorado!
Alright! South Park school, you go over
there next to the kids from New York!
No, no! Don't put the
Florida kids in the building!
Hey! Lookit the freakin'
eskimos in their little hensingalovs!
Whoa! Lookit this kid's coat!
Hey, kid, what'sa matter?!
You a freakin' burn
victim or something?! What?
Who the hell are these guys?!
I didn't know they was invitin'
rednecks to this event!
- We're not rednecks!
- Yeah! That's Texans, butthole!
Oh yeah?! Well, you look
like a bunch of queefs to me!
Y'guys, what's a queef?!
Kenny?
- I don't know!
Oh, brother! You guys don't
even know what a queef is?
Of course we know what
a queef is, you queef!
Oh yeah?!
Well, what is it then?!
Why?! Don't you know?!
Are all rednecks queefs from
Colorado as stupid as yous?!
ALRIGHT, DICKHOLE!
I need everyone's attention please!
We will now all be moving in
orderly fasion to our fine hotels!
Please follow your
group leaders to check in!
We'll se ya later, queefs!
I can't find the word
"queef" anywhere!
Well, keep looking!
We gotta find out what it means before
we see those New Yorker kids again!
Well, let's try the dictionary!
Queasy! Quebec!
Queen! Quelch! No queef!
- Dammit! - Hey!
I found it, y'guys! I found it!
You did?! What's it
mean?! What's it mean?!
I told y'guys! Here it is,
right here! The Brown Noise!
Dammit, Cartman!
An ausilation of sound that
causes the bowels to loosen!
See?! That
means crap your pants!
The Brown Noise is believed to be 92
cents below the lowest octave of E flat!
- Wha'does that mean?
- Who cares?! C'mon!
We have to find out what
"queef" means! Keep reading!
I can do this! I have to do this!
Hello, dad!
- Oh hello, son!
- Can I come in?
Uh, sure! Of couse.
Your mom's out at bridge night!
You want a beer or something?
No! I don't think that will
solve any of our problems,
though you seemed
to think it did! - W'what?!
I have a lot of demons that
I need to face, father!
I need to know some things!
Well, okay! Like what?!
Alright, alright!
Let's just cut right to it!
I've come to ask you about
the sexual abuse, dad!
I have to know why! Right here and
now! We're gonna talk about this!
What the hell are you talking about?
I never sexually abused you!
I know! I wanna know why not!
- Was it that I was ugly?
- Oh, my God!
I wasn't good enough for you!
Was that it, dad?! - Well... NO!
Sure! You could go off and screw
any whore on Ryland Street,
but when it came to your own
son, you were just too busy!
Alright, everyone! Quiet please!
There are over
four million of you,
so we must have quiet!
t this time, I would like to introduce the
woman who is making this all possible,
Yoko Ono!
You heard her! We'll start the
rehearsal in a few minutes!
Those New Yorker kids are
gonna be here any second!
We still don't know
what "queef" means!
Well, we can still pretend
like we know what it means!
No! They'll catch on!
Hey! Wait a minute!
I've got a great idea!
Let's make up our own word! We can
make up a word and then use it,
and then, they'll act like they
know it, and we'll bust'em!
Yeah! That'll make 'em look stupid!
- What word could we make up?!
- How 'bout "Finkleroy"?!
No, no! Not "Finkleroy"!
How 'bout "Gebo"
or, or "Mung"?!
- Yeah! "Mung"!
- "Mung"'s good!
Here they come!
Well hello there, queefs!
All bundled up nice
and warm, are we?!
You know what you guys are?!
You guys are nothing but mung!
- Wha'di'ju call us?!
- We're not mung! You're mung!
So you know
what "mung" means!
Of course we know
what "mung" means!
Yeah! 'Ju think we wouldn't
know what "mung" means?!
We've busted you!
Yeah! Yeah! "Mung" isn't
even a word! We made it up!
ou guys are even stupider than
I thougt! "Mung" is SO a word!
It is?!
Yeah! "Mung" is the stuff that
comes out when ya push down
on a pregnant woman's stomach!
You guys didn't know that?
C'mon, guys! Let's get
away from these rednecks
before we get
redneckacitis, or somethin'!
You dumbass, Cartman!
Yeah! Next time you make up a word,
don't make up one that already exists!
It's so nice to see you, son!
I'm so proud that you're part of the
four million child recorder blow!
Yes! I hope it's okay if I stay
here a few nights, mother!
I have some things I really
need to talk to you about!
About what?
Mother, did you know that dad
never sexually molested me?
- That, that can't be!
- He never did, mom! Not once!
That's not true! Your
father loved you! Often!
He never did, mom, and I
think you knew he never did!
No! No! If I knew,
I would've made him do it!
You stood by and let it happen!
You saw him come home drunk
and then just go right to sleep!
- I'm not listening! - Face it,
mother! He never abused me!
Uh, what's goin' on?!
Mother won't hear the truth!
He says you didn't
molest him as a child!
I didn't! You knew I didn't!
No! I didn't know!
I'm not listening!
You can't close your
eyes forever, mother!
Mother, wait!
Alright! Penasameri plenahabikabapi!
We must have participate inapi tonga
for the performance tomorrow, please!
Okay, children! We need to pay
closer attention to the sheet music!
Remember, if you get lost, just
follow along with Mr. Kenny G here!
Hey! That's it, Kenny!
Maybe Kenny G can show us where
92 cents below the lowest E flat is,
then we'll know the Brown Noise!
STOP! STOP IT! YAMEKIN
YODEBA PIECE YOU GOT THERE!
THAT WAS A TERRIBLE! THAT
WAS HORRIBEE! WA'WE GONNA DO?!
- What the hell is that lady
talking about?! - I have no idea!
- Uh, Mr. Garrison Senior!
- Uh, that's me!
Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey!
I'm your school councilor! M'kay?
What can I do for you?
I wanna talk to you about your son!
I'm his, uh, therapist! M'kay?
Oh, brother! Look! I didn't sexually
abuse my son when he was younger!
- Uh, you didn't?! - No! He's
upset because I didn't molest him!
Oh! Hm! Uh, I guess
that's a little different!
A LITTLE?! Yeah! He thinks if I don't
molest him, it means I don't love him!
Well now, what's he s'posed
to think, Mr. Garrison?
I mean, uh, look at all media, all the
magazines ads, and television ads
talking about sexual
molestation! M'kay?
He sees all that and asumes that you
didn't molest him because of some
flaw in his looks or personality!
I didn't do it
because it's wrong!
I know!
but I'm afraid this problem has run very
deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state!
I worried that if you don't do
something, well, it could kill 'im!
Hold on a second!
Are you actually suggesting that I
have sex with my 41-year-old son?
There comes a time in every father's
life when he must ask himself,
"How far will I go to save
my son's life?"! M'kay?!
Well, I won't have sex with 'im!
- Well, I've said all I can say!
I know it's difficult,
but family is about compromises!
Don't lose your son
over this, Mr. Garrison!
Dont-lose-your-son! M-kay?!
Am I the only sane
person left on earth?!
Tomorrow, the world
will be tuning in as over
four million children play "My Country
Tis of Thee" on their recorders!
It is by far the
largest gathering of
little plastic recorders in
human history! Yoko Ono has...
Well, mom said I could sleep in the
guest room tonight! G'night, dad!
Good night!
Guess I'll just go
on up to bed now!
Don't really have any pajamas! Guess
I'll just sleep in my boxers or something!
Should be fine!
I'll leave the door
open a little in case you
need to see me 'bout anything!
Won't be necessary!
I'll just be goin' up to bed now!
Guess, guess maybe I won't
even wear those boxers!
- I'm not going to molest you!
- YOU DON'T LOVE ME!
- I WANNA DIE!
- Goddammit!
I wish we could find a way to get
back at those New Yorker Kids!
- Yeah! They think they're so cool!
- Y'guys! Y'guys!
We found it!
We found it, y'guys!
- Calm down, Cartman!
- You found what?
The Brown Noise!
Kenny and me found the Brown
Noise! Here! Look! Look! Look!
Okay! Let's see!
Okay?! Okay!
Okay! Ready, Kenny?
Oh, no! I just crapped my pants!
No way!
- I don't believe it! - I'm
seriously, y'guys! C'mon! Watch!
Whoa! Oh, my God!
I crapped my pants!
- That's amazing!
- I told y'guys!
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
That they should bring back Chicago
Hope for another season? Totally!
No! That we could use the Brown Noise to
get back at those asshole New Yorker Kids!
Yeah, dude!
They should bring back another season
of Chicago Hope though, seriously!
Hey, what's the matter there,
Garrison?! You look kinda sad!
I'm having some
troubles at home!
Well, c'mon! Tell us about it! We always
help each other out! Don't we, fellas?
- Yeah!
- Yeah! That's right!
Alright! It's just that, I mean,
we're all family men here! Right?
- Sure!
- Sure are!
Well, can I ask you guys
a difficult question?
- D'absoulutly!
- Of course!
Alright!
Would you have sex with
your son to save his life?
This is one of them
Scruples questions! Ain't it!?
No, no! I got a better one!
Would you have sex with your
mother to save your father's life?
Oh! Like if someone had a gun
to your father's head and said:
"Have sex with your
mother or else I'll shoot 'im!"?
- Yeah!
- That's a tough one!
No, no, wait! Uh,
you don't understand!
How 'bout if someone made you have
sex with your mother and father
to save your own life?
No! No! No way!
But if it was to save my mother's life, I think
I would have to have sex with my father!
- Me too! - Well, I think
that goes without saying!
Well actually, I'm just
talking about a son!
Well personally, I would have sex with
my son to save my mother's life!
It depends on how big a
gun are we talking here?!
- Uh, he doesn't have a gun!
- The father doesn't have a gun?
NO! NOBODY'S GOT A GUN!
I think if someone said "Have sex with your
mother or else I'm gonna kill your son!"
but he didn't have a
gun, I wouldn't do it!
- He could have a knife though!
- Yeah! Right! - Sure! Right!
If a killer put a knife
to my throat and said:
"Have sex with your father or
else I'm gonna kill your mother
while havin' sex with you!",
I would have sex with myself!
Yeah! I would! That makes sense!
What're you talking about?
- How do we write the
note, Cartman? - Left E flat...
- Let's see! I think it
looks like this! - Alright!
Now, all we do is wipe out the
last note on their sheet music
and change it to the
tone Cartman played!
C'mon!
There!
That should do it!
Sweet! I can't wait to see 'em crap their
pants in front of everybody, y'guys!
Okay! Let's get back to the room!
What's this?! Revised
music for tomorrow?
Chip! Did you get revised
music for tomorrow?!
Ms. Ono has made revisions again!
We've got to get these
copied four million times and
make the revisions to the
projected music! C'mon! Hurry!
Dad?
Oh! I'm just fast asleep
not hearing anything!
Woah, dad!
Oh, goodness gracious!
Don't stop, dad! Stop!
Wow! Oh, how could you?!
Well, mom, dad, I guess I better be going!
The concert's going to start soon!
Are you sure you can't
stay one more night, son?
No! I think all my
work here is done.
Dad, I don't know what to say! I
feel closer to you than I ever have!
Well, I just hope that now we
can put the past behind us and,
and try to be a
normal family again!
We sure can!
Well, I've got a worldwide
telecast recorder concert to get to!
We'll be watching on TV!
Make us proud, son!
I will! Goodbye, mom!
Goodbye, dad!
Grey skys are gonna clear
up! Put on a happy face!
- You did the right thing, papa.
- I didn't do squat!
Here you go!
A hundred bucks!
Oh! That's okay! Keep
your money! Thanks!
Live from Oklahoma City, four
million third-grade students from
all over the country playing "My
Country 'Tis of Thee" on their recorders!
Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker kids
play the Brown Noise and crap their pants!
We have to watch
them! We can't miss it!
Are we all ready
to play? Thanks!
Okay, let's see the music!
- This is gonna be sweet!
- Oh, no, dude! Look!
It's the music WE changed!
Dude! I four million people play the
Brown Noise at the same time...
One, two, sie, pizza!
NO!
Stop! Stop!
- Uh, aren't those our boys?
- Oh, no! What are they doing?
NOOOOO!
I'm standing in New York City,
but it could just as well be
any town on earth right now.
The desolation, the
dammage is exactly the same
in every city the
whole world over!
It's been just under twenty hours since
everyone on earth pooped their pants,
and people still roam their
damaged homes with disbelief
and loss! Rick?
Alan, I'm standing at ground zero! Here,
the damage is greater than anywhere!
Like the rest of the world, everyone
here has crapped their pants!
Some crapped themselves to death,
and still, others ruined
perfectly good pairs of pants!
A nation mourns
and tries to rebuild,
but the big question that remains is:
"How did this happen?"
Well, I'd say other than making everyone
in the world crap their pants,
our event went over really well!
- Really well?! Really well?!
You gonna be wickedy I tell you again!
Look at some of the averaging over
the gaidis o'er the really well!
Alright! C'mon everybody! We've got a
long bus ride back to Colorado! M'kay?
Well, that whole
experience sure did suck!
Yeah, but you know,
I learned something today!
We were so worried about how cool
we looked to those New Yorker kids
that we forgot,
we're already totally cool,
even if we don't know
what "queef" means!
A "queef" is a vaginal
explosion of gas! M'kay!
- Here they are!
- Yeah!
Oh, brother!
Let's just get out of here!
Hey! Not so fast! We know it was
you guys that changed the music
and made everyone on
earth crap their pants!
- Yeah! We knows all about it!
- Oh, no!
Yeah! Me and the guys, well,
we was talkin'! And well,
well we just want you to know
that we think you're pretty cool!
- You do?!
- Sure! I mean,
Everybody on earth shit themselves
cause of you, and that's pretty cool!
I mean, that's pretty amazing!
Yeah! We was wrong
about you guys! We're sorry!
Well, that's fine! That's fine! Next
time, just remember that we're all
pretty cool on the west side too,
if ya know what I'm saying!
Yeah! See you guys later!
C'mon, boys! You're
holdin' up the bus!
Oh, wow! Look!
It's Kenny G himself!
Thank you for a
wonderful concert Mr. G!
G'goodbye.
Oh, well thank you!
You know it's funny!
You kiss just like my dad!
Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly has
been a great trip! Let's head home!
Which way should we go?
Second star to the right
and straight on 'til morning.