South Park S06E09 Free Hat

Oh, cool. A preview.
Coming this summer , it's the
classic film that changed America.
E.T.: The Extraterrestrial, the
new, redone version for 2002.
All the E.T. effects have
been digitally upgraded.
All the guns have been digitally
changed to walkie-talkies.
And the word "TERRORIST"
has been changed to "HIPPIE."
Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Yeah, hippies and terrorists
are the same thing.
No, dude. They only changed "terrorist"
to "hippie" to make E.T. more P.C.
That's gay.
Coming this summer, it's the
motion picture that changed America.
Saving Private Ryan,
the RE-RE-RELEASE,
where the word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES,"
and all their guns have been
replaced by walkie-talkies.
Why the hell do these directors
keep updating their movies?
And now, for your feature presentation:
the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
In the version, the word "WOOKIE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL"
and the entire cast has been
digitally replaced by Ewoks.
Goddamnit, that pissed me off!
Yeah, we want our money back!
Sorry, suckers!
You asshole!
Why don't they leave those movies
alone? We liked them the way they were!
Don't you see what this means?
All our favorite movies
are going to be changed,
and updated, until we can't
even recognize them anymore.
Tweek is right. It isn't fair
for those asshole directors
to keep changing their movies
and making them different!
Movies are art, and art
shouldn't be modified!
Yeah, what if they had modified the Roman Coliseum every
year?
It would just be another big douchey stadium now.
We have to do something.
Let's form a club.
Yeah! We can form a club that
takes food stamps from poor people
and then sells them back to
the government for a profit.
No, fatass! I mean a club to
protect films from their directors,
so they can't be messed with!
Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films
From Their Own Directors" club.
Yeah
"NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form
a club! That's too much pressure!
Look, ah-I'm supposed to take it easy;
just, watch the clouds, sit on the grass.
And, if we form a club there'll
be responsibilites. Commitments!
Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you
to be our new friend to replace Kenny
because we thought
you were a team player!
I'm not! I'm not a team player!
Now, either you stop
with these faggotronics
or we'll find someone to replace YOU!
D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!
Dude, that sign sucks!
Nobody's gonna show up!
Well what's wrong with it?
Look at it, dude. You're not
offereing any fabulous prizes.
You have to offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid crap. Here.
"Free hat?"
Yeah, if you offer free hats,
m-maybe people will show up.
But we don't have hats!
Well we can just make them out of paper.
It's not hard, it's just
a stupid little paper hat.
People just need free stuff
- don't you guys know anything?!
You see?? First we were just forming
a club, now we have to make hats!
When does it end??
Alright, let's go get the gymnasium
ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats.
Fifty hats? Oh Jesus!
Ah! I'll never make
it! I'll never make it!
Tweek!
Calm down, son. Remember what Dr.
Norris told you. Find your center.
My center. My... center. Calm Cup?
How many hats have you made?
Oh God!
We only have until 10 a.m.
tomorrow! Get the lead out!
Aaaah! Oh God!
You guys, we have a big problem!
What?
I was up, all night, making
hats. I only slept for an hour,
...and then I dreamt about making
hats, but I only made fifteen!
Calm down, Tweek.
Fifteen might be enough.
Yeah, let's see if anyone
has even shown up yet.
Dude, there's like a
thousand people in there!
A thousand? Oh Jesus man! I
don't have nearly a thousand hats!
Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek!
Tweek. It's okay. Look,
maybe these people all turned out
because they believe in saving films.
Maybe they don't even
care about the free hats.
Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!
Oh God!
I told you guys: never underestimate
the power of a free hat.
Free hat! Free hat!
I gotta move away, you guys!
Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have to
go in there and explain what happened.
There are more important
things right now than free hats.
Okay, uh, we wanna
thank you all for coming.
We're really happy to see
such enthusiasm for our cause.
Yeah! Yeah!
Uh, one thing before I continue.
Unfortuantely we don't have enough
of the... free hats for everyone.
Eh
- Excuse me?
Yes, we apologize, but our friend
Tweek here didn't make enough of them.
Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!
We don't care about that.
You don't?
You mean, you just came because
you believe in our cause?
Yeah. Free Hat.
What?
Hat McCollough. He was sent to prison in
'82, and we believe he should be released!
Yeah!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free
Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Aaaah, , okay apparently there's
been a bit of a misunderstanding.
This is a rally to save
films from their directors?
To do what?
We believe that films are pieces of art
that must be preserved from the perverse
hands of their agent filmmakers..
Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone,
guess we're in the wrong place.
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Waitwaitwaitwait! Don't you
see what's happening out there?
The films you all grew up with,
that touched YOUR lives and are part of YOUR soul are now being updated and changed.
Join us and we CAN be a
group that makes a difference!
Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?
Uh, sure, and we'll
also try to free Hat.
Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
...212, 213, 214 members!
You guys! You guys! Oh God!
Um, I've got terrible news!
What?
Ted Koppel wants us to appear on
Nightline to talk about our cause.
Really? That's great.
Yah.
No it isn't, man! Thahat's
waaay too much pressure!
If we go on Nightline,
the whole country can hear about
what's happening to our classic films.
But just remember that
I do all the talking.
You?? Why?
Because I'm the official
spokesman. I got dibs on it.
When did we do dibs for it?
Just now
- 1 2 3 dibs!
Me.
Alright, fine! You're the spokesman,
Cartman! But you'd better not screw it up!
What could possibly go wrong?
A new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from South Park, Colorado.
The organization was created to protect Hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors.
And also to free Hat McCollough.
So boys, I ask you the question
that's on everyone's minds,
why does your organization
want to free Hat McCollough,
the convicted, confessed serial
murderer of twenty-three babies?
...I believe that can best be answered
by our official spokesman, Tweek.
Well, Hat McCollough admitted he killed
those toddlers? Why do you want him free?
Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!
Just answer me this, Tweek: What do you
see as "positive" about toddler murder?
Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?
Yes... It is easy.
Alright, then on to your other cause,
saving films from their directors.
What got you boys interested in this,
especially given your pro-toddler-murder status?
We believe that films have to
be taken away from people like
Steven Spielberg and George
Lucas because they're insane.
Well I'm glad you said that, boys,
because joining us now are
Steven Spielberg and George Lucas.
Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!
Hello, Ted.
Oh hi, Ted.
Gentlemen, these toddler-murder
fans think you're insane
and shouldn't be allowed to
alter your films. Your response?
Well, first of all, both George and I are very firmly against the murdering of toddlers.
You're here.
Dude, that's Steven
Spielberg and George Lucas.
Get me out of here! Please,
somebody get me out of heeerre!
And as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a... new audience with our movies.
As the makers of dreams, we like
to speak ...for the children.
Ah, I thought we were
speaking for the children.
Yeah, we're children.
Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and
updated their White Album every few years,
what would we have now?
Yeah, these guys are only
motivated by money, Ted.
How so?
Think about it. Spielberg? Jew.
Lucas? Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?
I'm not a Jew!
You little brat
-! Ah,
I mean, you darling children don't
know what you're talking about.
Changing E.T. was the
best thing I ewver did.
Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd
be like, changing Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Wait a minute. What'd you say?
Eh, that's brilliant!
Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Why didn't we think of it before?!
No. NOO!!
Members, this is our darkest hour.
We've just learned that George
Lucas and Steven Spielberg
now intend to update and
change Raiders of the Lost Ark.
There's only one way we can stop this important and historical piece of art from being harmed. Mr. Secretary?
Thank you. Our intelligence tells
us that the original negative to
Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently
somewhere in George Lucas's house.
We need to find and usurp that negative.
And if we get a hold ot the
negative they can't change the movie?
That is our understanding.
Sounds like a good idea to me.
I don't want them to change
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Yeah! We should go get that
negative as soon as we get Hat free!
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Nonono! We need to do this first.
But we have to free Hat.
It's just that, you know, he
killed twenty-three babies.
Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!
YEAH!
He... killed... twenty-three
babies in self-defense?
Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked by a gang of babies in West Town Park.
When that many babies get
together they can be like piranha.
Three eyewitnesses testified that
if Hat hadn't killed those babies,
they'd have killed him!
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
But right now we've gotta focus on
getting those original prints of Raiders.
He's right. We'd better split up.
Some of you go with the boys
and get those film prints,
the rest of us come with me to go
talk to the governor about freeing Hat.
YEAH! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free
Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Well, it looks like we're
gonna have to do this ourselves.
No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal
with the stress you guys create!
We're just gonna fly to California
and break into George Lucas's house.
What's stressful about that?
Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something:
You've been our new friend
now for two weeks, okay?
And I've gotta be honest
with you, it isn't going well.
People aren't that into you, Tweek.
They find you kind of annoying.
Now, I say you've got one last shot here,
and I don't want you to blow it, okay?
Does that help take the stress off?
Okay, go.
I'm breaking into George Lucas's house.
I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house.
I'm in a green field.
Stop, Tweek! This is not
the time for faggocity!
This looks like the right room.
I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.
Over here!
That's it!
Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!
Get it, you piece of crap, before
I grab your nutsack and twist it!
What are you doing?!
Oh God! Oh Jesus!
You're the boys from that
...stupid club. Give me that!
Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas!
But please, don't change
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
We're gonna make it better. The movie's
gonna be changed, and that's that!
Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you
leave us no choice. It's time for Plan B.
Aw, really?
Oh God, no! Not Plan B!
You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas,
and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy heart...
with a cool island song. Gentlemen?
...What??
Hit it, Tweek!
<i>In the tropical isle with the
coconut tree, there's a lots of-
Waitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna
cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
...No, he has an icy heart.
...But you can't melt ice
with a cool song, 'tardheart.
So we have to warm his icy
heart with a "hot" island song
It's a cool island song.
Well then we're gonna end up freezing
his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Oh, do we wanna do that?
ALRIGHT, that does it!
Yes, thank you, officer.
The police are on their way, boys.
Soon you'll be in jail getting RAMMED!
Those rams can do to us
what they will, Mr. Lucas,
but we'll never stop
trying to protect films.
It's not too late to do what's
right. Give us the print.
There's still some good in you,
Mr. Lucas. We know there is.
It is... too late for me, boys.
You yourself led the campaign
against the colorization of films.
You understand why films
shouldn't be changed.
M-that's different.
These are my movies.
I made them, and I have the right
to do whatever I want with them
You're wrong, Mr. Lucas.
They're not your movies.
They're ours. All of ours.
We paid to go see them,
and they're just as much a part
of our lives as they are of yours.
When an artist creates, whatever
they create belongs to society
Have I... become so old that I've
forgetten what being an artist is about?
Give the print to us so that
we can protect it from Spielberg
and anyone else who wants to alter it.
Perhaps... you are right.
STOP! What are you doing, George?!
Steven, Uh, I-
Give me that print, George! We
need to make the alterations!
Steven, these boys had a point. I don't
remember what it was, but it was good.
You haven't let these doe-eyed children
affect your judgment, have you, George?!
Don't forget: you belong to me.
Don't listen to him! You still
have a chance to preserve your film!
I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys.
Now take the children prisoner!
What??
You troublemakers shall be my
guests of honor at the premiere
of the NEW Raiders of the Lost
Ark! Your gay little club is over!
Fuck you, Steven Spielberg!
Come on, you guys!
Oh my God they're gonna kill us.
Don't even think about it, kid! I'm
not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!
The one with the cocaine-problem
escaped, mein Direktor.
Leave him!! Let him
run back to his mommy!
We must get the film ready
for the premiere. Lucas! Come!
Coming, this summer!
It's the digitally-enhanced re-release of
the very first pilot episode of South Park!
Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first
episode is getting a make-over for 2002!
The simple, funny aliens are
now super-badass and kewl!
Flying saucer? No longer
cheap construction paper,
but a 4.0 megapixel constructed
through a masterpiece of technology!
Everything's new! New is better!
When we first made South Park, we
didn't wanna use construction paper.
We just had to because it was cheap.
And now with new technology we
can finally remaster South Park,
make it look sharp, clean and focused.
Expensive.
Yes, all the charm of a simple
little cartoon will melt before your
eyes as it is replaced by newer
and more standardized animation!
For instance, in the
scene at the bus stop,
we always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background,
but simply couldn't afford it.
Get this special enhanced version quick,
because another enhanced version
will likely be coming out for 2003!
Members, uuhh, oh Jesus,
uh, we have to do something!
Our club president , treasurer ,
and secretary have all been taken
hostage be Steven Spielberg! Haaa!
Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?
Yes, just like hat!!
But the governor won't pardon Hat.
So how can we get him out of prison?
No! Listen to me! We're not talking
about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!!
Look, we went to George Lucas's house a-and tried to melt his icy heart with a warm island song,
but then Spielberg showed up and
took three of our members prisoner!
They're goin' to premiere their
new Raiders of the Lost Ark,
and we have to rescue
them! Do you understand?!
Hey, he's got a point there.
Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's
icy heart with a cool island song!
Yeah.
No!
No?
No! He's right. We have to freeze
his hot heart with a cool island song.
Or is ti freshen his hot
temper with a cool island song?
Let's cool his hot temper
with a fresh island song.
That's it!
Let's go! Come on!
Oh God. I'm gonna have
to do this myself. Oh God!
Well, the print is finished
and the day has come.
Tonight, Steven Spielberg and George
Lucas will be at the premiere of the new
special edition of
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Lots of celebrity guests and other
rich people will be on hand to witness
all the updated effects
and modernized technology.
Hello!
The kid? The tweaked out kid?!
I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg!
Your pesistence surprises even me.
Surely you don't think you
can escape from this premiere.
That depends on how reasonable we're all
willing to be. All I want are my friends.
Wow.
Except for Cartman
- you can keep him.
And if we refuse?
Then your premiere has no movie!
He's definitely lost it
Yup.
Okay, okay. Stan- stand back,
stand ba- stand back! Back!
Okay kid, you win. Blow it up.
Zuroch! Zuroch!
Blow it back to God.
All your life has been the
pursuit of seeing a great film!
This new version of Raiders has digital
effects beyond your wildest dreams!
You want to see it
screened just as much as I.
Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!
Son, we are simply passing through history.
This... is imPROVED history. Do as you will.
<i>In the tropical isle with the coconut tree,
the air is fresh and the people are free.
<i>But here in the mountain
there's no freedom like that.
<i>There's a man in prison
and his name is Hat.
Hafaa malifi! Thanks
for coming, everyone.
This is the birth of the NEW
version of Raiders of the Lost Ark!
We shall screen it here, and then
destroy all the old prints in celebration!
Hooray! All right!
Begin the film!
You guys, close your
eyes. Don't look at it.
Ah, what?!
Don't watch the movie, you guys.
It'll be terrible. Close your eyes!
It's beyooootiful.
Wait a minute. This version is awful!
Yeah! They ruined it!
Oh my God, it's terrible!
Yuh, you guys okay.
Yeah. I I think so.
Man, that new version
must have sucked balls.
Today is a day of celebration, and we
owe it all to these four brave young boys.
Yeah! Alright!
And thanks to the bravery of
this young man in particular,
...Hat McCollough is
finally free from prison!
Yeah! Woohoohoo!
...What?
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!
Thank you everyone-KILL!
KILL THE INNOCENT!!
Uh, I'm so thankful for all
your support-RAPE THE VIRGINS!!
And uh, I just wonder if i
could get a baby real quick?
Sure. Give that man a baby!
Yeah! Woohoohoo!
Come on, you guys.
Let's get out of here.
Oh my God!
Do you think we did a good thing, Stan?
I mean, no one even seemed to notice.
Yeah well, sometimes the things
we do don't matter right now.
Sometimes they matter... later.
We have to care more about
later sometimes, you know?
I think that's what separates us from the Steven Spielbergs and George Lucases of the world.
That and youth. Those guys are old.
But what about the original
prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark?
What if somebody else takes
them and tries to change them?
Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe.
Somewhere where...
nobody will ever find it.