Okay, Carol, put the card you picked
back into the deck so I can't see it.
What's going on?
This feller' David Blaine. He's doing
magic tricks. Hey where'd you get that ice cream?
Okay, now hold this card up to the
crowd. Was that the card you picked?!
No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of hearts.
The four of hearts? Really? Look again.
That's pretty cool, dude!
Who's this asshole?
He's a magician named David Blaine
dude, he kicks ass!
Where'd you guys get that ice cream?
Sir, could you come over here?
Now what I want you to do, Mr...?
- Kern!
Mr. Kern, I want you to just THINK
about a card. Pick any card, and
picture it in your mind.
- OK.
Okay... Just think about your card...
Look at me... Look at me...
- Okay, now reach up your
ass.
- Huh?
Go on, reach up your ass.
- I don't feel nothing.
- Deeper.!
I don't... Wait... WAIT!
Was that the card you picked!?
YES! OH MY GOD!
- Wow, that's cool!
- How'd he do that?
Thank you. I've been traveling from
town to town for quite a while.
I've
started quite a following, mostly
because of my levitation trick.
Watch... Watch...
Watch... Watch...
WOOAAAA!!!!
- No way!
- Damn, that guy is the coolest guy in
the universe.
Pamphlet? Pamphlet? Here you go kids,
take a pamphlet!
David Blaine workshop... Learn all
about David Blaine at the center for
magic! Dude, WE GOTTA GO!
YEAH! They probably teach you how to
do magic tricks!
Hello everyone! My name is Steven and
I've been a Blainetologist for about
three years.
So when David Blaine
performed his miracles out on the
street, what moved you the most?
His miracles?
Oh yes. You see, David Blaine is much
more than a magician. He is a scholar,
a visionary, and a leader.
- When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
- Yeahh!
Oh I've got a trick for you to learn.
I can show you how to make your true
self appear.
Let me ask you all
something...
Do you consider yourselves
to be happy?
I don't think I'm very happy. I always
fall asleep to the sound of my own
screams.
Right... Well see the reason that you...
And then I always get woken up in the
morning by the sound of my own
screams...
Do you think I'm unhappy?
The point is that you CAN be happy.
You see, your friends and parents have
PROGRAMMED you in a way that makes you
feel isolated and alone.
How many times
have you felt like nobody knows the
real you. You're not REALLY happy...
I'm not REALLY happy...
You're potential hasn't even been
reached.
My Ratiential hasn't even been reached.
If you look through David Blaine's
incredible book, you'll find a lot of
life's answers.
Let's read some of the
book together, shall we?
Then we get to be in David Blaine's
secret club?!
- That's right!
- Coooool!
- Ike, you eat your gefilte fish!
- No.
Mom! MOM! I found out all about this
great new magician named David Blaine!
That's nice Kyle. Ike, EAT!
We spent all afternoon learning about
how we aren't actually happy!
I had no
idea how unhappy I was until today!
They gave me this cool book to read and
I'm already on chapter four!
Well, it's nice to see you so
interested in something, Kyle.
Ike,
for the love of Abraham you are going
to eat this!
So can I go to the Magic CAMP to learn
how to become a full member?
All the
other guys are doing it and it's only
sixty-nine ninety five!
Magic camp? I dunno, boobie, ask your
father!
IKE, YOU WILL EAT THIS!!
Prepare to be cleansed and release the
magic inside you.
I am prepared!
Ooh, geez, it sure got cold in here.
Next!
Congratulations, young Blainetologists.
From this day, you are clean.
Now, we have very important work to do.
David Blaine is going to put on a big
magic show in Denver tomorrow night -
where's he's going to EAT HIS OWN HEAD!
WOW!
So it's up to all you new
Blaintologists to get as many people
there as you can!
Whoever gets the
most people to come gets a prize!
Kyle, I'm starting to think this is a
really bad idea.
I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought
YOU were Kyle.
No, I'm Stan.
You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
- Who are you?
- I'm Kyle!
Huh-huh... Guess who I am you guys!
Kyle, I think we may have gotten into
something bad here.
What do you mean? We're learning all
kinds of cool stuff!
Look at us, dude. These people are
trying to change us somehow. I think
it's time we went home.
But David Blaine's gonna do more
miracles in Denver tomorrow!
I don't care! I'm leaving!
Excuse me.
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
You don't want to go home.
You said we're free to leave whenever
we want.
- You are...
- Then move out of the way.!
I'm not in your way. YOU are. Are you
unhappy with the church's teachings?
Let's just talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it, I just
want to leave.
Why don't we go into the back room for
a second, and talk, then you can leave.
Th-that's okay... I changed my mind.
I'm going to stay.
That's great news!
-Okay... It's all clear.
-What are we doing?
We're getting out of here. This whole
thing has gotten way out of hand.
Woa, woa.
I'm not going anywhere.
Come on, Kyle... This is stupid.
It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my
life I feel like I'm part of something.
A part of what?!
Some gay wod
magicians' crazy life plan?
Don't call Mr. Blaine a gay wod! He's
a brilliant man!
No, they've just CONVINCED you that
he's a brilliant man.
I'm not going anywhere!
God dammit! I'm not going with you! I
want to stay here!
- Huh?! I thought you wanted to leave!
- Oh, wait, who am I again?
- You're Stan.
- Oh yeah. God dammit - hold on a sec...
Okay, now look, dude, I'm getting out
of here and you're a dumbass if you
don't come with me!
Then I guess..
I'm a dumbass.
Kyle, please...
You're my best friend.
Well this is what I believe in now,
Stan. And if you can't respect that...
Then I guess we're not best friends
anymore.
Hello, ma'am! My name is Kyle and this
is Cartman. We'd like to share our
interest in David Blaine with you!
Oh, oh... My husband warned me about
you people. Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but
I'm a Catholic.
It doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology
is for everyone. There are
Blainetologists who are Catholics,
Buddhists, why even Kyle here is a God
Damn Jew.
- That's right!
- So you're not a cult?
A cult?! No! David Blaine is a REAL
PERSON. You may have seen his
television specials on ABC. He also
wrote a book, and we'd like to share it
with you.
-Well, alright, come on in.
- Cool.
If you look here, you can see how David
Blaine performed the miracle of being
frozen in ice at Times Square.
- Ma'am, have you ever wondered what
David Blaine's plan is for you?
No, not really.
See, that's interesting because
- I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book,
and I'm so thankful that he showed us
the way to true happiness, that I think
about his plan often.
David Blaine is doing a big performance
in Denver tomorrow night. We're sure
his magic will entertain and astound
you.
- He's going to eat his own head!.
- How many tickets can we put you down for?
Oh I can't go.
Aw, come on. It'll make you a happy
person.
-I am happy.
- No you're not.
- Yes, I am.
- No you're not.
- I really am.
- No you're not.
- But I am.
- Noyournot.
...Alright, two tickets.
- GREAT!
That's fifteen people we got to agree
to come see David Blaine perform in
Denver!
Yes, brother Kyle, but our work is not
over. We must still recruit ten more
audience members in order to get the
prize.
I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood
we might find that-
Come brother, Kyle, we've no time for
him.
You better watch yourself next time,
ABANDONER!
- Hi Jesus, it's me, Stan Mar-
Stan Marsh. Of course I know you, my
child. Come in...
This guy is going around doing magic
tricks and saying they're miracles.
My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome.
You are good to bring this to my attention, Stan.
Cults are a very dangerous thing.
I read in the bible that YOU performed
miracles too. If you could go in front
of these people and do YOUR miracles,
then they'll all see that David Blaine isn't so special.
The miracle I am most famous for is
turning water into wine.
Can you do it again?
Very well, I shall perform the miracle.
Behold! Here you can see ordinary
water! Clear, clean... Okay, now
turn around...
Turn around...
Okay, now turn back...
IT IS NOW WINE!!!
- That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Wul, yeah...
That trick sucks, Jesus.
Oh. I guess it worked a little better
on people two thousand years ago.
Dude, we have to do something. This
guy is performing more miracles in
Denver tonight.
He's going to get more
followers and it will be IMPOSSIBLE for
me to get Kyle out.
Then let's go.
But dude, I don't think you should do
the lame water to wine trick.
Oh, don't worry, I have a few more
miracles up my sleeve!
This is a really good turnout!
And now, ladies and gentlemen... DAVID
BLAINE!!!
Hello, my children.
Ladies and Gentlemen... May we have
silence please... As Magician David
Blaine will now EAT HIS OWN HEAD!!!
UGH!!!!
DUDE! NO WAY!!!
Thank you everyone. Our organization
grows larger every day! Soon the
government will even have to give us
tax exempt status as a bonifide
religion!
- HOLD!!!
- Jesus!/It's Jesus!/He's here!
What's he doing here?
My children... It is time for you to go
home, and stop following this false prophet.
You should be using your money and time for other things.
You should be using your money and time for other things.
These are simple magic tricks. His
magic is interesting, but will it put
food on your table?
Feeding the
hungry, now THAT is a miracle!
Behold, I have here five loaves of
bread and three fish. Certainly not
enough to feed this entire crowd...
But
now... Turn around... Turn around...
Okay, now turn back.
Now how the hell did he do that?
wOooOw!!!!!
Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus.
Just like you are.
Oh really? Then what's this ACE OF
SPADES doing behind your ear?!
Jesus Christ...
He's incredible!
The old religions have failed you!
What have they offered except for war,
poverty and sadness?
Blainetology offers you the key to living your life
to the fullest! WILL YOU JOIN US?!
YES!!!
His magic is too powerful, Stanly. I
have never seen anything like it.
-Then what are we going to do?
- I cannot face him alone. We must get
the help of all the Super Best friends.
Buddah? Buddah come in.
The Super Best friends?
This is Buddah, Jesus. Go ahead.
Buddah, we may have a problem...
I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before.
I'll call everyone together. Come as
fast as you can.
Come Stanly,
we must travel far and long.
To where?
Distances unfathomable to man. Yea,
take hold of my robe, Stanly, and DO
NOT OPEN YOUR EYES.
I am ready.
Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
Yeah.
Good. You want some peanuts?
Congratulations, sister, you have heard
the noble truth and are now a
Blainetologists.
EVERYONE! EVERYONE GATHER AROUND! I
have a very special announcement!
Great news for all Blainetologists and
for our new members as well!
We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine
HIMSELF! The government has DENIED our
church's request for tax exempt status!
But... We WANT tax exempt status.
Yeah, why is that GOOD news?
Because! Mr. Blain has arranged for
ALL BLAINETOLOGISTS members from every
city and state...
...to MARCH onto Washington, and DEMAND our right for
tax exempt status - by committing a MASS SUICIDE!
Mass suicide?
Mr. Blaine has said that by killing
ourselves in Washington... WE are
GUARANTEED EVERLASTING HAPPINESS IN THE
AFTER LIFE!!!
Get your things ready! We leave for
Washington at dawn!
Did you hear that guys?! We're finally
gonna die!
Alright, Stanly, you can open your eyes
now.
This is the Hall of the Super Best
Friends, Stanly. The headquarters for
those of us who stand for what's right.
Jesus! We've been working hard since
we got your distress call.
Who's the kid?
Stanly, I want you to meet some of The
Super Best Friends!!
Buddah, with the powers of
invisibility...
... Mohammed, the Muslim
prophet with the powers of flame...
...Krishna, the Hindu Deity...
... Joseph
Smith, the Mormon Prophet...
...Lao Tsu the founder of Taoism
...and Sea Man, with the
ability to breathe underwater and link
mentally with fish....
So you mean to tell me that even though
people fight and argue over different
religions... You guys are all actually friends?
More than friends, young boy, we are
Super Best Friends.
With the desire to
fight for justice.
We all believe in the power of good
over evil -- Except for Buddah, of
course, who doesn't really believe in evil.
Wow!
Jesus, come look at this...
After your distress call, we entered
David Blaine into the Super Best
Friends computer...
Many interesting things showed up.
He was raised in New York City by a decent
family, but a freak washing machine
accident at the age of twelve made him
learn the ways of the black arts.
That's right Semen.
SEA MAN.
That's what I said. SEMEN.
STOP IT!
Cartman... Cartman, wake up.... Cartman-
NO PAULA POUNDSTONE LEAVE ALONE!!!!
Huhgh- wha?
- It's just me.
- Brother Kyle... Why do you disturb my rest?
-Dude... I don't think I want to be a
part of this anymore.
- What?
I think Stan might of been right.
Anyway, I think it's going to far.
I mean, if I kill myself, it's going to
make my family really sad.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't
want to die either. I haven't even gotten my pubes yet.
I think we should bail. If we leave
the group, maybe other people will get
the courage to leave too.
That good be difficult, brother Kyle...
But alright, listen... Why don't we sleep on it?
If we decide to leave the faction, we can do it in the morning.
Okay... Okay, you're right.
Cartman... Thanks.
Cartman?
What the hell?
I told on you-u. I told on you-u.
What have you done, Cartman?!
This is for your own good, brother Kyle.
You must understand, brother Kyle, you
know too much about the church. If you
left now, you would become a danger to our cause.
And you know what else Kyle said?
Um... Kyyylle... He said that if we
were all supposed to commit suicide, that he wouldn't do it...
Cartman! You fat ass tattle tale!
At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble.
The suicide pact will go as planned.
If we die, we ALL die together.
MEANWHILE! AT THE HALL OF SUPER BEST
FRIENDS!!
Look at that, Jesus... His followers
are growing at a rate even faster than mine.
It appears this David Blaine is
as dangerous as you and your young friend had feared.
- I knew it.
- Here, I have a video tape of his
performance the other night.
Perhaps we should have Moses look at
the tape and see what he comes up with.
Moses... Scan this tape, can you tell
us the source of Blaine's power?
Give me the information.
Wow... THE Moses...
His Magic is a combination of
Centrifugal Alignment and Slight of Hand...
Wait a minute... I'm picking up
movement from Blaintologists all over
the country...
The Blaintologists are heading to
Washington... but why?
Wait a minute... At his performance,
David Blaine said something about
trying to get tax exempt status.
- Oh my God. If he gets tax exempt
status... Then he'll become a
realreligion.
He would become unstoppable!
Meanwhile, in the nation's capitol,
Blainetologists from all over the
country have gathered to commit mass suicide!
If the Government will not give us tax
exempt status, then we must PROVE that
we are willing to DIE FOR OUR BELIEFS!
Alright brother and sisters, gather
around! It is time to begin the great
sacrifice and drown ourselves in the
reflecting pool!
...However, the reflecting pool is a
little more shallow than we originally
thought, so to drown ourselves you will
need to lie on your stomach, face down,
until you die - as such:
NEXT!
Meanwhile, at the White House.
Mr. President, we can't let them all
kill themselves!
But we can't give them tax exempt
status, either, Karl!
Hey George! What's going on?
Alright, Kyle it's time for us to die.
Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't
you see?! We don't have to do this?!
It is the only way for us to be happy.
Cartman no!
Give us what we want! Or we will
continue to die!
Not so fast, David Blaine!
Jesus... Not again.
Yes! But this time... I've brought
some help. SUPER BEST FRIENDS HO!!!
BUDDAH! MOHAMMED!
JOSEPH SMITH! KRISTINA!
LOA TSU!! SEA MAN!!
The mass suicide is OVER Blaine. And
so are you.
I don't think so. GET THEM!
My ice breath should take care of you...
Kyle! Kyle!
SWEET SALVATION!!! GARGLGLGLGLG...
KYLE!
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!
...YOU BASTARDS!...
Huh... Kyle?
OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY!!!
...YOU BASTARDS!...
OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY!!!
- That takes care of them.
- Now it's your turn, Blaine.
Perhaps you need to see some REAL MAGIC!
RAAARRRGHGGH!!!!!
This looks like trouble.
So long,
Super Best FOOLS!
- Kyle!
- Stan!
- Kyle, you can't kill yourself!
I don't WANT to kill myself!
They've rigged this thing to fill with water!
We've got to stop that oversized
Abraham Lincoln!
Mohammed! Try your fire breath!
Great Scott!
Blargh! Okay try again...
IT IS TOO POWERFUL, JESUS!
It seems to have no weakness.
There has to be a way to destroy it...
JESUS TO MOSES!
Meanwhile! At the Super Best Friends
League!
Come in Moses!
-What? We need to know how to kill a giant,
stone, Abraham Lincoln!
Um... Uh... A giant, stone, John Wilkes Booth?
You heard him, Super Best Friends -
We've got to make a GIANT STONE JOHN
WILKES BOOTH!
Krishna, We're going to need wood for a mold!
Form of A BEAVER!
I will find sources of concrete, YOU
get the water to mix it with, Semen.
And so, using the wood that Krishna cut
down as a Beaver, Jesus uses his master
carpentry skills to make a giant mold!
That should do the trick! Now for some concrete!
Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Semen
seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
SEA--MAN!
Look Swallow, we should be able to
divert the water with that pipe.
And so, Semen and Swallow get to work.
Kyle! You have to hold your breath!
OH VERY FUNNY!
Lao Tsu! Bring it to life!
Using his powers of Taoism, Lao Tsu
becomes one with the giant stone John Wilkes Booth.
Blargh! It worked! Now freeze over the pool so
nobody else can drown themselves!
HEY! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO IT!
LATER, AT THE EXACT SAME LOCATION...
DAMN YOU SUPER BEST FRIENDS!
Your magic is no match for our powers
combined, Blaine!!
You win this time Super Best fools!
But I'll be back!
GOD DAMMIT!
It's alright. Everything is as it
should be.
Oh, shut up, Buddah.
Our leader! He's... He's leaving us...
Don't leave us, David Blaine!!!
Listen up, everyone! You don't need
David Blaine to tell you how to live.
You see, cults are dangerous because
they promise you hope, happiness, and
maybe even an afterlife,
but in return they demand you pay money.
Any religion that requires you to pay money
in order to move up and learn it's tenants is WRONG.
You see, all
religions have something valuable to
teach, but just like the Super Best
Friends learned, it requires a little bit of them all.
He's right... HE'S RIGHT!
Thanks for saving me Stan, you're
MY Super Best Friend.
You're my Super Best friend too, Kyle.
Oh, that's so sweet you guys, you want
to get a room so you can make out for a while? Huh-huh..
Oh Jesus! OW! OW! STOP IT!
Well, it looks like everything worked out.
And so Jesus and his companions leave
Washington. But their return is assured.
For there will always be a need for -
THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS!!!
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