South Park S03E13 Hooked on Monkey Fonics

Look, Eric! Mommy
got you a present!
A present! Is it a Rocket Racer?! No!
Lemmie guess! It's a Frogman Game Board!
No, wait! I know! It's a
Police Power Chopper!
No! I got you something that's going to
help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow!
Mom, I'm not gonna win
the spelling bee! I never do!
This year's gonna be different!
Look! I got you
Hooked on Monkey Fonics!
What the hell is
Hooked on Monkey Fonics?!
It's a new way to learn
how to read and spell!
And it comes with everything you
need to help win that spelling bee!
It says we just put the
cassette into a tape player.
Welcome to Hooked on
Monkey Fonics! Level one!
I will read the sounds and the
monkey will help keep the beat!
If your monkey arrived in the box dead,
call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey!
Ready!? Let's begin!
The learning monkey is here to say
that reading is easy and it's okay!
Work with monkey and you will learn to
spell hard words like Morgan and Fern!
Start with card one!
Ready?! Begin!
C! H! Ch! Chalk!
C! H! Ch! Chalk!
Good! Card two!
T! H! Th! There!
T! H! Th! There!
Hey! This is easy!
I'm gonna win the
spelling bee for sure, man!
Alright, everyone! Welcome to the 15
Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals!
This should be very interesting!
We have with us 12 of the brightest
spellers from South Park Elementary!
Kyle! Kyle! He's our man! If he
can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks!
You bet money on my son to win?!
Sure! When it comes to spelling
bees, always bet on the Jew!
You're going down, bitch! - Shut up, fatass!
Everyone knows I can spell better than you!
Yeah! Well, this year,
I have a secret weapon!
And joining us this year are
the two homeschool children,
Rebecca and Mark Coxwalds!
What?!
- Homeschool kids?! Who the
hell are they?! - Hey, that's not fair!
You can't let homeschool kids
into a public school spelling bee!
- What's a homeschool kid?! - I don't
know, dude! I've never seen them before!
Go Mark! Go Rebecca!
Our first contestant is Mark
Coxwalds from homeschool!
Alright, Mark! Your
word is "Conscientious"!
What?! What the
fuck does that mean?
Conscientious! May I have
the definition, please?!
Closely attentive
to details! Carefull!
Conscientious! Could you
use it in a sentence, please?!
Mary's analysis of the spread
sheet was conscientious!
Conscientious!
C! O! N! S! C! I! E! N! T! I! O! U! S!
Holy crap!
Way to go, Mark! Alright!
Okay! Our next
contestant is Eric Cartman!
Alright, Eric!
Here's your word: "Chair"!
C'mon Fonics Monkey! Drum!
C'mon!
- Eric, your word is "Chair"!
- Uh, definition?!
Something you sit on!
- Country of origin?!
- English!
- Could you please use it in a sentence?!
- For Christ sake, kid! The word is "Chair"!
Uh, Chair! C! H! A! R! E!
Ah, dammit! How come
I get the hard ones?!
GET OVER HERE, YOU SON OF
A BITCH FONICS MONKEY!
Alright! We're down
to just three finalists!
First up is Rebecca
Coxwalds from homeschool!
Alright, Rebecca.
Here is your word: litoral.
Litoral! Definition!?
Having to do with
a lake or ocean!
Litoral! Will you please
use it in a sentence?!
Gary was most interested in
the litoral features of Michigan!
Litoral!
L! I! T! O! R! A! L!
Correct!
Alright, Rebecca!
Good job, honey!
Now, we have Kyle Broflovski!
Here we go! "Kroxyldiphyvic"!
- What?!
- "Kroxyldiphyvic"!
Definition!?
Something which has
a kroxyldiphlyke quality!
Uh, could you use
it in a sentence?!
Certainly! Kroxyldiphyvic
is a hard word to spell!
You can do it, kid!
You can do it!
Kyoxyl-divic!
C! Dammit!
You little bastard!
You cost me fifty bucks!
Why don't you run away and join the
circus, you stupid little son of a bitch!?
Congradulations, Mark and Rebecca!
You are truly South Park's finest!
Damn, dude! Those
homeschool kids are smart!
Yeah! Too bad they have the
personalities of a wet dish cloth!
- What's your name?!
- What's in a name?
It was nice competing against you boys!
We will have to do it again sometime!
Oh, yes! We must do it again!
We've never seen you before! Do
you live in the woods or something?!
No, I live right over there!
I lived there all my life!
How come you don't
go to school?!
Because I'm homeschooled!
- What's that?!
My parents teach me! So I stay and
home instead of going to school!
You what?! Stay at home?!
All day?! No school?!
Right!
Who would've thought
such a miracle could be?
Who could've known that this moment,
I would see a new way of living?!
- Shut up, Cartman!
- You shut up, butthole!
- You shut up, gay wad!
- You shut up, ass logger!
Oh, my goodness! Are you two
enemies?! - No! We're friends!
- Strange, friends would call each
other names and fight! - What?!
Come, children! Let's take our trophies home
and place them high upon the mantle!
Dude, what a bunch
of freakin' nerdos!
- Papa!
- Yes, Mark?
Why can't I go to school
with the other boys?!
Well because son, public schools
are inefficient and dangerous!
But I want to play with the other children!
Oh, how they laugh and play, papa!
Mark, you have play time! You
get to play in the afternoons!
I just feel like I should
go to public school,
if only for a little while, to see
what other little boys are like!
Mark, public schools are no good!
Your mother and I were both
homeschooled and we turned
out much better, because of it!
Please, papa! Just let
me try for a few days!
Alright! Fine, Mark! You go
ahead and go to public school!
You can just find out for yourself
how flawed and trecherous it is!
Hooray!
You don't wanna go to public
school too! Do you, Rebecca?!
Oh heavens, no!
Well, thank God for that! At
least my daughter will remain safe!
Uh, hi! Is, uh!
Is Rebecca home?!
Yes she is!
Can I talk to her?!
Oh! Well, I suppose so! Rebecca!
This little boy wants to see you!
Hello!
- Hi!
- Hello!
I was... just uh...
well! That's all!
- Who was that?! - A little
boy wanted to see Rebecca!
Oh, no! I told you the
spelling bee was a bad idea!
But, the children won and they were
happy to meet the other children!
Yes, but now, I think we may have opened
a Pandora's Box that we can't close!
Okay, children! We have a new student
joining us today from homeschool!
Now, his parents are very worried about his
safety, so please don't be too cruel to him!
Hey, guys! What's up?!
Dude! What's wrong with you?! You
have some kinda John Travolta disease?!
Alright, children! Let's just try to
pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge
plastic hamster ball here
and go on with our studies!
Now, who can tell me when Columbus
sailed the seas and discovered America?!
Yes, Mark!
Hey, how come you never pick me?
Because you never know the right
answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark!
The answer is 1492!
However, the Americas had already
been discovered by many before him,
including the Vikings and
the Native Americans!
And therefore, your
questions is a sharad!
Aw, see?! That's
what I was gonna say!
Well, very impressive, Mark!
You should be able to throw the grading
curve and flunk all these little bastards!
Oh, God! This kid's not gonna last about
five seconds out on the playground!
Now, who can tell me what
country Columbus was from?!
- Put your hand down,
cream-puff! - That does it!
I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed!
I'm gonna go be homeschooled from now on!
You don't wanna be
homeschooled, fatass!
I'm gonna be homeschooled
and leave all the pain
and suffering of public
school behind me!
Screw you guys! I'm
gonna be homeschooled!
Oh please, God! Let it be forever!
C'mon, Pip! Say it! Say "Please hit me!"
- But, if I say that, you'll hit me!
No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it!
If you say "Please hit me!", I won't hit you!
- Please hit me!
- Alright!
Alright! Let's try this again, Pip!
I don't understand! You seem to like that
boy, yet hate him at the same time!
Hey, kid! Get out of that hamster ball!
- Oh, I promised my father I wouldn't!
Oh, boy! Sorry, dude!
You're on your own!
You best do what he says, homeschool kid!
Why, this is our part of the playground! See?
And if you don't follow our rules, well
we're gonna duct tape ya to the bench!
You mean you would actually duct tape my
entire body to a bench?! For what purpose?!
Just get out of the hamster ball
or else you're gonna find out!
Have a nice second
half of the day, nerdo!
Yeah! Why, why you shouldn't be
such a smart 'n' all Mr. Know-it-all!
Oh, dear!
Oh, where could he be?! He should've
been home from public school by now!
- I'm sure he's alright!
- That must be him!
Oh, my God, son!
Hi, mom! Hi, dad!
- Mark, what've they done to you?!
- Well, they duct taped me to a bench!
- But, why?! - I don't know, mother!
It didn't make any sense at all!
Well, you see?! This is what
happens at public schools!
- But I want to go back
tomorrow, papa! - What?!
- Please! Just give me one more
day! - What do we do?!
Well, if we're gonna
let him go back,
it looks like I need to have a little
talk with those other boys' fathers!
Everywhere I go,
I'm thinking of you! Rebecca!
I don't know what
to do! Rebecca!
You're so nice, I'd like
to get to know you better!
So wha'd'you say we get together?!
You really are quite good lookin'! Rebecca!
You really are quite
good lookin'! Rebecca!
Rebecca! You're really quite
good lookin'! You're a fox!
Good evening, gentlemen! If I could
have your attention for a few moments,
my son Mark was beat-up in
school today by your sons.
I think it would be appropriate
for you to talk with your sons
and instruct them to no longer
tease or bother my boy!
- Uh look, mister...
- Coxwalds!
Mr. Coxwalds, we can't completely
control what our kids do socially!
That's... You know... That's for
them to figure out on their own!
Well, obviously, they need
to be coached a little better!
And furthermore, your son has
been harassing my little girl!
I would like you
to tell him to stop!
Hey! My son is just discovering love!
Maybe your daughter is too!
They, they need to
know about that stuff!
Oh, hello! My girl is 8 years old! What
does she need to know about love?!
Well, something! I mean, you can't
just wait until she's a teenager
and expect her to figure
out everything all at once!
I will not tell you how to raise your children
and you will not tell me how to raise mine!
Uh, you want a beer
or somethin', Cats-Wild?!
No! I don't drink beer!
I just like wine coolers!
You what?!
- See ya, Coxwalds! Thanks
for stoppin' by! - Yeah! See ya!
Can't even get her to understand!
It's like she's from another planet!
- Could I sit here with you?!
- Oh, man! If you have to!
Attention, students! Don't
forget that this friday night
is the South Park Elementary
Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance!
We will have a very speacial band
performing, so please come early!
Hey! That's it! The dance! I can
ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Dude, what happened to you!
You're a total wus now!
Yeah! A fuckin' wussy!
Why do you call Kyle names and laugh
at him?! Is he not your friend?!
Yeah, dude! But guys just do that!
We rip on each other and stuff!
I see! It's like you have to
mark your territory as a boy!
You have to socially
find your place!
What?!
Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?!
Stick and stones may break my bones,
but words will never harm me!
Aw, dude! You don't say that!
Get him!
Boy! That kid's havin' a hard
time adjusting to public school!
Yeah! I wonder how Cartman's
doing with his homeschooling!
Hon, are you ready
for some math problems?!
Oh, not right this second, mother!
Put them there by the door.
Oh, alright!
- Mom!
- Yes, hon!
- Could you turn up the heat
just a little? - Sure, hon!
Oh! Dude! Homeschooling rules!
Oh, hello!
Oh! Uh, Rebecca! There's this dance!
See?! At the school! And, um...
Hey, would you like to
come up to my room?!
Hey, would you like to
come up to my room?!
Uh, okay!
I'm sorry, son! There's nothing
we can do to stop those bullies!
We have to pull you
out of public school!
Oh, papa! Can I at least
go to the dance tomorrow?!
- Well, alright! You can go, but I'll
be there to supervise! - Alright!
Mark, where's your sister?! - She's
upstairs playing doctor with that Kyle boy!
Oh, alright! WHAT?!
Rebecca! Don't play
these perverted games!
I have to extrapate a lesion
in his sereberal cortex
or risk it in section to
the synaptic responses!
Uh, alright, Rebecca! But, it's
time to start your homeschooling!
Rebecca, there's this dance, see! The South
Park Elementary Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance!
And, uh, I was wondering,
if you wanna go?!
Alright! I guess I'll go!
- You will?! - I guess! Are you
gonna go?! Maybe I'll see you there!
No, no! I mean... go with me! - Oh,
I'm sure father will give me a ride!
Eric, I got you a new history text book!
Why don't you come downstairs!
Not right now, mom!
Eric, please! We have to
do some studying today!
I am studying, mom! I'm
learning with the fonics monkey!
- Hey, fatass, how's homeschooling
going?! - Oh, it's so sweet, y'guys!
Well, get your ass out of bed! We have
to go deal with that homeschool kid!
I can't! I'm too tired!
Maybe tomorrow!
But, the big dance is tomorrow and all the
guys are gonna duct tape him to a flagpole!
That sounds cool!
Maybe I'll go to that!
No, Fonics Monkey!
No, Fonics Monkey!
That's a bad Fonics Monkey!
Oh, my God! Fonics
Monkey killed Kenny!
You're damned straight, he did!
You got my note?! - Of course! You taped
it to my dog! How could I not see it?!
- Uh, can we sit down?!
- Why not!?
Isn't papa's garden beautiful?!
He works so hard on it!
Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town?
At that flicker of light over there?!
I have looked at it!
Well, that's a public school! And in it,
there are children just like us!
How can children go to
school on a flicker of light?!
From public school, your house
is just a flicker of light!
Don't you want to go out?! All you
do is stay in your house and study!
- What else would one do?!
- Love, for one thing!
And, what is love?!
Love is the most
important thing on earth!
When boys and girls
feel love, they kiss!
What means kiss?!
When a man and a woman feel love,
they put there lips together!
Oh, you mean a mate?!
When it is time to increase the heard
my provider will select one for me!
Rebecca, in public school,
we select our own mate!
In public school, men and women get
together! Make each other happy!
You certainly come from a silly place!
Still, I should like to try this kiss!
So I could write about it!
- How do we do it?!
- I'm not completely sure!
Should we look it up?!
No, I think it's just something you have
to try a few times until you get it right!
Wow! Wow! That was fun!
Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
- You bet your sweet ass I will!
Alright! Here's the plan! Tomorrow night
at the dance, when none of the
chaparones are looking,
you guys go grab Mark,
bring him out here, and then, we're
gonna duct tape him to this flagpole!
Are you sure?! He could be out
here all night on the flagpole!
- That's the point, butt-pipe!
- Don't call me a butt-pipe, butt-pipe!
- Well, c'mon! We gotta go buy us
some more duct tape! - Hooray!
Alright! Here's the plan! All we gotta do is
volunteer to chaparone the dance tomorrow!
Why do we wanna all
chaparone the dance?!
Because, Coxwalds is gonna be
there! And when he shows up,
we all grab him, bring him out here,
and duct tape him to the flagpole!
The flagpole! That's great!
- C'mon! We gotta buy
more duct tape! - Alright!
Dude, we're gonna go duct tape that Mark
kid to the bleachers! You wanna help?!
I can't! I have to wait for Rebecca
to show up! - Oh, brother!
Don't you "Oh, brother!" me!
She's the woman of my dreams!
- You suck now, Kyle!
- You suck!
Boys and girls, can I
have your attention please!
This year, we have a very
special guest performing
the South Park Elementary
Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance!
He was a musical force in the 70's and
80's! Please welcome Ronnie James Dio!
Are you ready rock,
boys and girls?!
I said are you ready to rock?!
Uh, uh! Sure! Uh, I guess!
Then let's hit it!
I know you all remember this one!
It's off my first solo album.
The song that you all
helped make number one!
Hey! There he is!
There's the homeschool kid!
C'mon! Let's go duct
tape him to the flagpole!
Hey! Isn't that the
homeschool kid's sister?!
Hi, guys!
Wholy cow!
Hey, baby! Come come see me later!
'kay!? - What the...?! Damn, baby!
Hey, Kyle! Wanna go make out?!
- Rebecca! You...
- Rebecca! What the devil are
you doing?! - I'm having fun, Mark!
- Oh, goodness! - You're out of
control! You did this to my sister!
Uh, all I did was
show her how to...
You made my sister into
a slut! I'll kill you!
You bitch! I'm gonna
whoop your bitch ass!
Oh, my God!
- Dude, he's kicking the crap out
of Kyle! - Yeah! He's a badass!
Alright! Alright!
That's enough, boys!
- I'm not through with you, bitch!
- Hey, your pretty cool, Mark!
Yeah! That, that was real badass
that you stood up for your sister!
I'd've kicked
Kyle's bitch ass too!
- You wanna go have some cake
with me, Mark?! - No! He's my friend!
He, he said he'd
hang out with me!
...got to be here somewhere!
Hey! There's Coxwalds! C'mon!
Let's duct tape him to the flagpole!
Where're my children?! I'm taking
them out of this God forsaken place!
Calm down, papa!
Everything is alright!
You see, I've learned something today!
Public schools may be a
bit lacking in education,
but it's the main place where
children learn all of their social skills!
You can't teach a child social skills!
They have to learn them themselves!
And the only place to do that is on the
playground, in the cafeteria, and so on!
Don't you see, papa?! That's what
happened to your daughter!
You tried so hard to keep
her from anything sexual,
and now look at her!
She's a goddam whore, papa!
Well, she sure is!
I know letting your kids
out into the world is scary!
I know you wish nothing bad would ever
happen to us! But bad things will happen,
and we have to start learning now
how to deal with those things!
Mark, you're absolutely right!
Okay, children! If it's what you want,
you can start going to public school!
- Nice speech, nerdo!
- Thanks, gaywad!
Now you're gettin' it!
Well, c'mon, guys!
If I'm not mistaken, we still have
someone to duct tape to the flagpole!
What?!
See ya, papa!
Well, I'm glad we all
learned something today, kids!
Now let's dance!