South Park S02E02 Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut

Previously on South Park:
An air of sobriety fills laboratory as the
men of South Park gather to find out
which one of them
fathered this boy.
Who is Eric Cartman's Father?
At the end of tonight's episode,
you will know the answer.
And now, to continue, the father
is indeed someone in this room.
Man, this feels like the
longest minute of my life.
Oh, hey Kenny.
Gentlemen, the father is...
- Hey, what the hell's going on?
- It's a power outage.
Is everybody ok?
That sounded like a gunshot.
Oh my God, look!
- Oh my God, they killed Mephesto.
- You bastards!
- Mephesto's been shot.
- Is he dead?
Hey, this window's shot out too. That means
the killer was not somebody in this room.
Then who was it?
Who shot Mephesto?
Was it the school counselor,
or was it Ms. Crabtree, or was it...
Hey, wait a minute, I didn't
find out who my father was!
Or was it Mrs. Broslofski.
Wait, he's still breathing,
he's not dead!
- God damnit, who's my father?!?
- We have to get him to the hospital.
- You've got to be kidding me!
- Come on children!
Oh the poor kid, it must be hell
for him going through all this.
There's a murderer
free in South Park.
We have to find out who
it is before they kill again.
Yeh, God only knows
who they'll kill next.
Who will they kill next?
Will it be Jimbo, Barbrady,
the Denver Broncos?
- Is he awake yet? - He's
bleeding pretty bad back here.
Don't let him bleed on my Meredith
Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney
memorial towel?
I was actually with Meredith
Baxter-Birney in this actual car,
and afterwards we used that towel...
wait a minute, why am I telling you this?
- Could you pull over so I can get out?
- What? We have to get to the hospital.
I have to get out first. I'm not gonna
make it, I can't stand hospitals.
Sorry Stan, we just gotta drop Mephesto off,
and then we can get out of there, alright?
Man, it's really starting to snow.
I hope they don't close the roads.
They can't.
Mephesto can't die.
Maybe it's better you don't know
who your father is Cartman.
No way dude, I can't stand
to leave things unfinished.
It's like when you hear the
first part of that song,
"Come Sail Away," by Styx.
If I hear the first part of that
song, I have to finish it.
- Really? - Yeh, I ju, I can't
do anything till it's done.
I'm sailing away.
- No, don't!
Set an open course
for the virgin sea.
Eee...ffff...For I've got to be free Free
to face the lifethat's ahead of me
On board I'm the captainSo climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrowOn every shore
And I'll try, oh Lord,
I'll tryTo carry on
Dee bee bedeeBee bee bedee
Bee bee bedeeBee bee bedee
Gathering of angels appeared above
our heads They sang to us this song of hope
and this is what they said, they said
Come sail awayCome sail away
Come sail away with meLord,
Come sail awayCome sail away
Come sail away with meI thought
that they were angels
ut to my surpriseWe climbed aboard
their starshipAnd headed for the skies
Come sail awayCome sail away
Come sail away with meLord,
Whoa dude.
What are we going to do mayor?
This killer is on the loose.
We can't even leave our homes
for fear of our children's safety.
Uh, where are our children?
Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one
second that we had a competent
law enforcer in this town.
What would he do?
Hmm, that's a good question mayor.
Let me get right on that, with thinking.
- Mayor, mayor.
- Eh, the press is here.
My name is Sid Greenfield.
I'm the director from Los Angeles
for America's Most Wanted.
- You certainly made it up here quickly.
- We're desperate for stories.
- And, and this one is so compelling.
- Really??
Sure, this story has everything.
People, furniture, talking.
It's a real American story.
Hey, I thought of something.
Uh, no, wait, that's subtraction.
Mr. director-person,
what exactly do you want to do?
Mayor, shouldn't we be focusing...
We just want to do a re-creation
of the story for our show.
Then we'll flash a number on
the screen that people can call if
they have any information regarding
the identity or location of the shooter.
That's it. You win,
we win, America wins.
Are you sure this wouldn't make
our little town look dangerous?
Don't worry mayor, America's Most
Wanted is not about violence,
- it's about family.
- It is?
Well, in that case,
I guess it's ok.
Great, we'll get started with auditions
immediately. What part should we cast first?
Who will the
director cast first?
Will it be Mr. Garrison,
Officer Barbrady, Chef?
I want to have…
an abortion.
Well, we can do that. This must be
a very difficult time for you Mrs...
Cartman, yes, it's
such a hard decision,
but I just don't feel that I can
raise a child in this screwy world.
Yes, Ms. Cartman, if you don't feel fit to raise
a child, an abortion probably is the answer.
Do you know the actual
time of conception?
About eight years ago.
- I see, so the fetus is...
- Eight years old.
Ms. Cartman, uh, eight years old is a
little late to be considering abortion.
Really?
Yes, this is what we would refer
to as the fortieth trimester.
But I just don't think
I'm a fit mother.
But, but we prefer to abort
babies a little earlier on.
In fact, there's a law against abortions
after the second trimester.
Well, I think you need to keep
your laws off of my body!
Hmm, I'm afraid I can't
help you Ms. Cartman.
If you want to change the law, you'll
have to speak with your congressman.
Well, that's exactly what
I intend to do! Good day!
- Come on children. We gotta find
a doctor. - Uh, I can't do it dude.
- Come on Stan, hospitals aren't all
that bad. - Yeh, stop being a wuss.
- One moment, please!
Nurse, I need 20 CCs of
Sodium Pentathol, stat.
- Whoa dude, she doesn't have any arms.
- We're an equal opportunity employer here son.
Doctor, we've got a shot
cracker outside.
I'll be right with you right after I
inject this man with a long needle.
Oh man, I'm gonna be sick.
There there young man, medical
science is nothing to be afraid of.
Oooh, I think you're
hitting the bone.
Yes, I can hear the needle
scraping against the bone inside.
Ooops, he's hemorrhaging.
- Oops, his head fell off.
- I'm getting out of here.
- Stan. - Oh, some people
just have a weak stomach.
And the father of Eric Cartman is...
bang... uh. Jiminy, I've been shot.
Oh, thank you very much,
we'll get back to you.
I think I've seen enough
Genetic Engineers,
let's move on to the auditions
for the part of Mr. Uh Garrison.
Call the Mr. Garrison auditions.
Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric
Cartman's father Mr. Hat.
You can say that again Mr. Garrison.
All right, not bad. Let's keep
him on the top pile. Next.
I sure hope that I'm not Eric
Cartman's father Mr. Hat.
You can say that again Mr. Garrison.
Thank you! Next.
- What?!?
- Next.
I sure hope that I'm not Eric
Cartman's father Mr. Hat.
You can say that
again Mr. Garrison.
You got it! Let's
move on to the Chefs.
And so you see
Congressman O'Reilly,
that's why I think abortion
laws should be changed.
Well, all I know is that third
trimester abortions are illegal,
I don't really know
anything about fortieth.
But the person at unplanned
parenthood said
you were who I had talk to
about changing the law.
No, no, I think you've got to talk
to the governor about that stuff.
Oh dear.
Well, this is about
all I can do for him.
Can't you get him to talk?
I have to know who my father is.
- Sorry son, it might be a while.
- Wake up you son of a bitch!
Now son, that's not going
to do him any good.
I'll let you know if there's
a change in his condition.
I can't wait anymore.
What am I supposed to do?
- Hey, Cartman.
- What?
I'm sailing a...
way.Set an open
course for the virgin sea.
Cause I've got to be freeFree to
face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captainSo climb
aboardWe'll search for tomorrow.
- Okay, okay, let's get out of here now.
- I don't know if that's going to be too easy.
- My God, that's a hell of a storm.
- Oh, weak.
...Some happy, some sadI think of
childhood friends and the dreams we had
God I hate mountains. This better not
push back our shooting schedule.
Ok people; let's rehearse the re-enactment
from the top before we shoot it.
- Who's that?
- Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts,
we were able to get him to play
the part of the little monkey guy.
Oh, talk about washed up huh?
Great to have you Eric.
Here we go, and action.
- I want to announce who
the father is... - Bang.
Oh, I've been shot.
Nobody move. I'm a law officer.
My God, I think he's gone
into cardiac arrest.
You seem somewhat
unnerved by this, Chef.
Are you accusing me Barbrady?
Because if you are accuse, don't
hide behind your clever riddles.
Our differences must be set
aside for now, Mr. Chef.
I'm simply a man,
a man trying to do my job.
Wow, this is a good movie.
Come sail awayCome sail away Come sail
away with me Lord, Come sail away
Come sail away
Come sail away with me
Oh, dude, when can
we get out of here?
- Doctor, I can't focus.
- We're doing the best we can ma'am.
They've closed the pass, and none
of the other doctors can get through.
For now it's just me
and Nurse Goodly.
Wait a second,
they've closed the pass?
Yes, I'm afraid we're
critically understaffed.
Unless we get help soon, all these
people in here are completely fucked.
Metaphorically speaking that is.
What about Mephesto,
are you taking care of him?!?
He's on full life support
and breathing fine.
He shouldn't need any help, so
long as the power doesn't go out.
Hoof, who didn't see that
coming a mile away, huh?
Tonight on America's Most Wanted:
a shooter's on the loose in Colorado
and the residents are up in arms
Here's your host,
John Walsh.
Good evening, and welcome
to America's Most Wanted.
Tonight terror invaded the small mountain
community of South Park, Colorado,
when Dr. Alfonse Mephesto was
gunned down in his laboratory.
America's most wanted has
reconstructed this heinous crime
in hopes that your calls
can help solve the case.
I've been shot.
- My God Mr. Hat, get some help.
- Right away Mr. Garrison.
No. No. My lifetime partner and friend,
gone, taken away in the wink of an eye.
- Oh fortune, how you mock me. - What the?
Eric Roberts is improving lines again.
I'm going to get the man to
hospital, who will help me?
This is not a world I want to
live in; it is an angry....
- What the hell is this?
- We've lost the feed to L.A.
Uh, we, we seemed to have lost our
link-up to the South Park crew.
So I guess we'll be going to our feature
movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."
Who framed Roger Rabbit?
Was it Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, Chef?
Somebody go see why
we lost the hook-up.
Holy smokes, that
blizzard is getting crazy.
Don't panic anybody.
The power lines are down, but the
backup generator is running just fine.
- Nurse, I could use some
help in here. - Coming.
Lady, is Mephesto
going to be ok?
Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the
generator won't run for long.
The batteries run out in half-an-hour.
Time is very short.
Nurse, please. I need another
pair of hands in here.
Oh, sorry.
Don't you see Governor; I should have
a right to have an abortion if I want one.
Mra, I don't know, I, I might
need some more convincing.
I mean, what right do I have bringing
another child into this overpopulated world?
Then again, I should have thought
of that before having sex.
Then again....
Oh, I just don't know.
Please Mr. Chef, I have over a
hundred people to attend to here,
- and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
- What do you want me to do?
- Do you know anything about surgery?
- I used to watch Quincy.
What?!? Why the hell didn't you
say so?!? Put on some scrubs.
Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors.
You can help us save these people's lives.
No way dude!
Well, we're not going
anywhere for a long time.
- We're snowed in?
- Yes, we're trapped.
Like sailors on a submarine.
My God, this is the worst
storm I've ever seen.
Oh, I have to get out of here;
I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Yeh, I'm getting hungry too.
I hope you all realize what
we might be facing here.
Our only option may be to eat
each other, to stay alive.
Uh, it's only been
like four hours.
Aren't you resorting to
cannibalism a little quickly?
That's the law of the
land Mr. Director.
I don't eat pretty, but if a few of us must
die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
- But how do we decide who?
- Well, we draw straws.
Now wait a minute,
we all had a big breakfast.
Can't you people go without
eating for a little while?
Calm down soldier! We need every
person here to keep his head!
Barbrady, fetch some straws.
Well, who the hell made
you the boss anyway?
Who the hell made Jimbo boss?
Was it Barbrady, Chef, Mr. Ga....
This man's appendix has burst. I have no choice
but to operate now with our limited power.
I need you all to be strong for me. Nurse
Goodly will take care of the Anesthesia.
Chef, you act as her arms. Boys, you have
to help with suction and bandages. Ready?
- No. - Ok, first I'll make an incision
on the chest, over the heart.
Oh boy.
- Dude, you barfed into
the incision. - Sweet!
Suction!
Hey, who's screwing
with the lights?
Who is screwing with the lights?
Is it Barbrady, or Jimbo,
or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
That is really starting
to piss me off.
All right, so far everybody
has a long piece of straw.
We'll keep drawing.
Wait a minute, where the
hell is the short one?
- The short what?
- Damn it Barbrady!
When you draw straws you're
supposed to have one of them short.
- That's how you decide who loses.
- That's not how I played it.
Uhh, could we hurry this up?
My stomach is growling.
I found a map that shows the
location of a backup generator.
Apparently they built a large,
self-sustaining, generator
for just this kind of emergency,
but it's out and away from the
hospital. - So how do we get to it?
We must split up into two teams.
Team A and Team B.
Team A will consist of myself, Stan,
Kyle, Eric, Chef and Nurse Goodly.
Team B will consist of Kenny.
Now listen closely Team B; your goal
will be to turn on the backup generator.
To do this, you must brave the storm
outside, and get into this sewage duct.
Meanwhile, Team A will go
to the holding area,
here, where this is a
television and some cocoa.
We will drink the cocoa and
watch family programming
until Team B makes it
through the sewage duct.
By that time Team B,
remember that's you Kenny,
should reach the outer
core of the generator.
It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the
top, and there could be velociraptors here.
Once you reach the top you should be able
to get a clear view through this window
of us drinking cocoa and
watching television.
Then you can proceed down into
the generator and power it on.
Are there any questions?
- No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
- Right then, let's do it. Go Team!!!
Uh, can't go on.
So hungry.
We're all going to die
in this horrible place.
We have to have the energy to make
it through the night. We have to eat.
How can we? How could
we live with ourselves?
There's only one answer;
eat Eric Roberts.
Yes, of, of course, nobody
gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
Eat Eric Roberts.
No, no, please.
Well, there's no going
back now. We're cannibals.
God save us.
God wants you to live mayor.
Fight!
Well, I have to admit Eric Roberts
was much juicier than I expected.
This snow just isn't letting up.
We're gonna die here, I know it.
- What time is it Barbrady?
- It's almost midnight.
Uh, I can't go on.
We'll give the storm another hour,
after that we might have to eat again.
What?!? Christ, are you
people diabetic or something?
Team B, come in Team B.
- This is Team B.
- Listen, Team B,
we found another
path to the generator.
There's actually a nice
heated walkway to it,
so you don't need to
walk through all that sewage.
Are you fucking kidding me, making me
crawl through that fucking thing.
Oh, well, forget I said
that then. Listen, Team B,
you should be seeing
a large drift of snow
with some metal sticking
out of it just to your left.
Yep, I see it Team A.
Good, head towards it.
Team A out.
What if Mephesto never wakes up,
and I never find out who my father is?
My God, what a harrowing
tale of human drama this is.
ll of us doing what
we must to survive.
It is amazing what people can do
under stress. Just look at the Pyramids.
Nobody knows how
they built those, or who.
Who built the Pyramids?
Was it the Babylonians,
Officer Barbrady, Samaritans?
Team A this is Team B.
Roger Team B.
He's reached the backup generator.
Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
Roger.
Good, now is there a
wire connecting them?
Uh uh.
Damn, the wire connecting
the nodes is gone.
We need to complete the
circuit or we're screwed.
- Do you have any wire here?
- There's no time.
Once these lights flicker out, all the
patients on life support are going to die.
Wait a second guys.
No Kenny, you can't.
There must be some other way.
He's going to make the connection
himself, with his hands.
- No, he'll die!
- Go Kenny!
Kenny! Noooo!!!
- Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
- The power!  - Quickly,
get the scanner running again.
We've got a chance now.
Well, ok Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize
fortieth trimester abortions for you.
Oh thank you, thank you.
We'll have the pregnancy
terminated immediately.
- Terminated?  - Well yes,
that's what an abortion is.
Oh no, I, I didn't mean that.
I meant the other thing you can do.
What's that other 'A' word.
- Adoption?  - Yes, that's
what I mean. Adoption.
Well, that's pretty different.
I should just tell my son the
truth about everything myself.
Good day Mr. President.
Well, we made it. The power
is on, the snow is melting,
and your friend
Mephesto is doing fine.
Where, where am I?
You're at the hospital Mr.
Mephesto. You were shot.
Now we don't know who
tried to shoot you, but...
Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again,
he tries to shoot me every month.
Where's the little fat boy? He'll be
delighted that Mephesto is awake.
He went off looking
for Mr. Kenny.
He was a good friend,
and I'll miss him.
He was very brave. He risked his
life so that Mephesto could live.
Yeh, and now he's a Freezy Pop.
Dude, do you think if we hit him
with a shovel he'd shatter?
I don't know, let's find out.
Oh, it's over, we're free.
Yes, but at what cost
Mr. Garrison, at what cost?
Listen everybody; we did
what we had to in there.
But, how will be live
with ourselves now?
Mmmone day at a time mayor,
mmone day at a time.
Well, I'm bringing home some
Eric Roberts in a doggy bag.
Does anybody else want some?
I'm glad you could all come. I can finally
reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is.
But first, I want to thank Kenny
McCormick for sacrificing his life...
- Just tell us already!!!
- All right, all right.
The father of Eric Cartman is...
Say, did anybody see that Terrance
and Phillip special last month?
Wasn't that just the funniest thing?
Damn it tell me
who my father is!!!!!!!
Sorry, as I said before,
the father is somebody in this room.
The father is...
Mrs. Cartman.
- What?
- Yes, it's true.
No, that doesn't make sense.
Yes, it took quite a while for
me to understand as well.
You see, Mrs. Cartman
is a hermaphrodite.
Meaning what?
Meaning she has both
male and female genitals.
It's true.
You mean, at the
Drunken Barn Dance,
when we all got together
with her, she was a he?
No, no, not exactly.
But she did have a penis.
The fact of the matter is,
hermaphrodites cannot bear children,
so Ms. Cartman's DNA match with Eric
can only meant that she is his father,
and she got another woman pregnant
at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Eh, man, this
is fucking weak.
Dude, you're a big fat ass,
and your mom is a hermapholite.
I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.
I just thought maybe it would
be a little shocking to you.
Oh well, geewhiz,
you think so mom.
Well, that's that.
Thank you all for playing.
No no, wait a minute. If, if she's
my dad, then who's my mom?
Who is Eric Cartman's mother?
Is it Mrs. Crabtree, Sheila
Broslofski, the mayor?
Ahh, forget it.