S11E12 Imaginationland Episode III

<i>Episode 11x12
"Imaginationland Episode III"
<i>I'm going out to South Park
gonna have myself a time
<i>Friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptation
<i>I'm goin out to south park
gonna leave my woes behind
<i>Ample parking day or night
people spouting howdy neighbor
<i>I'm heading out to south park
to see if i cant unwind
<i>I like girls with big fat titties
really big fat titties
<i>So come on out to south park
and meet some friends of mine
<i>Imaginationland used to be a happy place.
<i>But then the terrorists attacked.
And so many of us were killed.
<i>The Barrier came down and all the most
evil imaginary characters were unleashed.
<i>Now our final battle will take place.
<i>The evil characters are marching toward us.
<i>With the intent to wipe us all out.
This is gonna be fun, huh?
<i>We prepare for a battle we cannot win.
<i>Sweet and cuddely imagninary characters,
<i>many who have never held a weapon,
must now fight for their very lives.
<i>We are too few in number,
but we have one hope.
That is where you come in, young boy.
Only you can help us win this battle.
What can I do?
You have a power here
that you have yet to understand.
Episode III
<i>Help!
<i>Back it up!
<i>Look!
Right there!
<i>See that?!
<i>Help!
<i>What does that look like to you?!
It's ManBearPig!
I told you it was real!
Look again!
There! half man, half bear, and half pig!
Do you see it?!
Yes, we see it, Mr. Gore.
Something big is going on and the American
people need to know what! I'm off!
Washington D.C.
Memorial Hospital
He's recovering, but there's been
some trauma to his brain.
The boy says he's been hearing
imaginary voices.
<i>Hello?
<i>Hello? Anybody?
Stan?
<i>Hello?
Stan?
Good morning, Kyle. How are we feeling?
- Cartman, what's happened?
What's happened?
Well, let's see:
You bet me that I couldn't prove
that leprechauns were real.
And if I could prove it,
you had to suck my balls, I believe.
No, I mean what happened at the Pentagon?!
- You just rest, Kyle.
Look what I made for you. A sundae.
It has hot fudge and whipped cream
and a cherry.
But I feel like something
is missing don't you, Kyle?
What else belongs on a sundae besides
hot fudge and whipped cream, let's see.
Hot fudge, whipped cream,
what else belongs on a sundae, Kyle?
What else goes on a sundae besides
hot fudge,whipped cream, and...
Oh, that's right!
My balls!
Cartman, what is going on out there?!
What happened to Stan?!
Oh, he got sucked through that portal thing
and they're gonna nuke it now.
So are you all set for
your big photo shoot, Kyle?
Wait, what do you mean?
Stan's in danger?
Don't try to change the subject, Kyle.
You've done a really good job of getting out
of this bet, but it's finally time to settle.
Get ready for your sundae, Kyle.
With extra nuts.
Aslan, the evil characters are almost here!
Get everyone to the battlefield!
Defend the castle walls!
Quickly young boy, we need your powers now!
What powers? I don't understand.
- You are real. You are a creator.
That means you can imagine things
into existence here.
I can?
Santa Claus was killed in the terrorist attack.
The first thing we need is for you
to bring him back.
How?
- You just have to focus your mind.
Imagine Santa and nothing else.
How am I supposed to focus with
all this crap going on?!
Think only of one thing.
Imagine it. Believe in it.
Whatever is most prominent in your mind
will come to be.
Butters! You are grounded, mister!
You hear me?!
Grounded!
No, no, no!
What are you doing?! We need Santa!
- I'm trying!
Come on, kid, imagine Santa!
Believe in Santa!
You must believe in Santa!
- Believe in Santa! Right now!
Kevin, can I get some more bounce off that
too, okay? Let's just go with a 568 split.
Cartman, will you shut up? I'm trying
to find out what's going on.
<i>A new terrorist attack seems to have
taken place. This time, in our imagination.
<i>Al Gore brought this video to
the public's attention,
<i>sparking demands by everyone who
wants to know exactly what's going on.
We were hoping to keep this quiet
until it was all over,
but, two days ago there was
a terrorist attack on our imagination,
and now our imaginations are running wild.
Our imaginations are running wild
and we weren't told?!
By attacking our imagination the terrorists
have found our most vulnerable spot.
And we've determined that the best course
of action is to nuke our imagination.
Is nuking our imagination really prudent?
Aren't there other, more peaceful ways
to get our imagination under control?
Couldn't we trying sending
Kurt Russell into a portal
to our imagination to try
and reason with the-
We tried that! And Kurt Russell
was raped by Christmas Critters!
Ouch.
The Pentagon claims that because
imaginary things are not real,
the military doesn't need Senate
approval to nuke them.
That's bullcrap, man!
You can't nuke our imagination!
Don't nuke our imagination bro!
Mike, does the military have
the authority to nuke our imagination?
Clearly they don't, Steven
and they're gonna have a big problem,
because state government has already set
a precedent that imaginary characters are real.
I cite a famous case of Cartman v Broflovski.
In which a U.S. found for the plaintiff
who saw a leprechaun.
Yes, I believe the defendant had to suck
the plaintiff's balls in that case.
<i>That's right, Steven, yeah.
Oh for the love of God!
<i>Hello? Can anybody hear me?
Stan! Dude, is that you?
<i>Kyle? Where are you? I don't see you.
No, I'm not there. I'm at a hospital.
I'm hearing you in my imagination.
<i>Oh that makes sense.
Dude, what's happening?
I'm in like a gumdrop forest.
I just saw Strawberry Shortcake tied up
and dead with pee in her eye.
Wait, hang on. I think something
really big is about to go down.
The evil characters are here.
- There are so many of them.
There's no time left! You have
to get control of your imagination,
and bring Santa back now!
Santa. Santa.
Think. Jolly old Santa.
Red suit, white beard.
Red suit, white beard. Santa!
How does that look? Can you see my balls
and the sundae in frame?
<i>A shocking new development in
the nuking of imagination!
The Supreme Court has ruled with the military
that imaginary things are officially not real,
and therefore no approval is needed
to nuke them.
Thank you.
- Oh no.
This of course overturns any
imagination-based verdicts in the past,
including the famous Cartman
v Broflovski ballsucking case.
What?
So it appears the military is ready
to proceed with its operation,
one they are calling "Operation Nuke the
Imagination Through the Imagination Doorway. "
<i>Kyle? What's happening?
<i>The government is gonna nuke Imaginationland.
- What?! You can't let them do that!
<i>What am I supposed to do?
- Dude you have to stall them!
<i>What is that? Hey!
Get out of here! Leave me alone!
Stan?
Where are you going?!
I'm going to try to save Stan
and Butters from getting nuked!
Okay, but you you have
to suck my balls first real quick.
No, I don't! The decision was overturned.
We had a deal, Kyle!
- Yeah, that leprechauns were real!
And the government just declared they
aren't technically real, so I was right!
It's over! I don't have to suck your balls!
It isn't over!
It isn't over, Kyle!
I have not waited this long to see
you weasel your way out of this bet!
Go ahead and go. But I swear on my life!
Before this day is over!
You, will, suck my balls!
I swear it!
We need more spinach for Popeye!
I got one. I got him.
- Hey there.
We're losing the battle!
There are simply too many of them!
Then the day is lost.
- Wait! Aslan, look!
What? What happened?
- You did it, kid!
Quickly Santa!
They need you on the battlefield!
Oh, all right.
Make way for Santa!
Now you see your potential, young creator.
But there is still much more we need
from you if we are to win this day!
This area is restricted,little boy.
Please, I need to talk to the people inside.
They can't set off that nuke.
Get behind the line with the other protesters!
No nukes in our imagination, bro!
You don't understand! My friend is in
Imaginationland! I can hear him in my head!
You pot-smoking hippies aren't
getting through here, so back off!
Stop that nuke!
- Stop that nuke!
Stop that nuke!
What's going on here?
The military has to do this!
It's their only way to kill ManBearPig.
Good, Butters. Now imagine some
more archers on the castle walls!
Aslan! We're losing the battle!
We managed to fight off the vampires
and werewolves, but...
now our troops are being shot down
by the Cavity Creeps.
Cavity Creeps?
We make holes in teeth!
What can destroy the Cavity Creeps?
- Only Crest Gel with Tartar Control.
Quickly! You must imagine a giant Crest Gel!
Yes!
His powers are getting stronger.
We might just have a chance here.
Aslan, we've captured a spy!
He was sneaking around the Gumdrop Forest!
Stan!
Hey look, I imagined Stan here!
No, no! I got sucked through Operation
Imagination Doorway at the Pentagon.
Project Imagination Doorway?
Nevermind! The battle is almost won!
We can deal with him later.
No, you don't understand. There's a nuke.
The government is about to level
this entire place.
What?
- Why would they nuke Imaginationland?
So the terrorists can't ever use
it against us again.
We can get Imaginationland under control.
The Chosen One just needs more time!
The Chosen One?
- Yeah, it turns out I'm the Key.
<i>Missile launch sequence initiated.
All right, people,
I want this nuking done by the books.
Sir, we have a security breach!
- What?!
There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert, sir.
It's coming from Sector Two!
Sector 2?
What the hell do you think you're doing
declaring leprechauns aren't real?!
What?
You just can't declare that imaginary things
aren't real! Who are you to say what's real?!
Think about it: is blue real?
Is love really real?
Imaginary things are things made up
by people, like Santa and Rudolph.
Yeah and they detract from real things,
like Jesus.
Maybe Jesus is imaginary too.
- You'd better not say that! You'll go to hell!
It's possible that hell is also imaginary.
- So then, we're about to nuke hell...
That's a good thing, right?
Hell yeah, that's a good thing, yeah.
What if heaven is imaginary?
We'd be nuking heaven.
Yeah, but it wouldn't be real.
- So it'd be all right.
Look, maybe they're all part of the same
thing. Santa, Jesus, hell and leprechauns.
Maybe they're all real in the same way, right?
Santa Claus and leprechauns are imaginary,
but Jesus and hell are real!
Well then, what about Buddha?
- Well of course he's imaginary!
Aw, see? Now you're being intolerant, Tom.
- Am I real?
All right, enough! Keep that kid out of the
way and let's get back to the nuking at hand!
No! Leprechauns are real, Goddamnit!
<i>Kyle?
<i>Kyle, what happened?
<i>Nothing.
- What?
Nothing happened!
There's nothing I can do!
<i>Dude, you can't let the government
fire off that nuke!
They say they can do whatever they want
because imaginary things aren't real!
<i>Well you have to convince them they are real!
No way, dude, then I'd have
to suck Cartman's balls.
<i>Whatever it takes,
you have to do it, all right?!
<i>Hang on, Kyle, Jesus wants to talk to you.
<i>Hello, Kyle? This is Jesus.
- Oh boy...
<i>What seems to be the problem, my child?
Jesus, I can't do anything. I'm just a fourth
grader going against the entire government.
Hello? Jesus?
<i>No, hey Kyle, this is Luke Skywalker.
<i>Look, I know this seems like
an impossible task,
<i>but do you remember when
I brought down the Death Star.
<i>I mean, that seemed impossible too, right?
Yeah, I guess.
<i>Okay, now hold on, because Superman
is here and he wants to say something.
<i>Kyle, this is Superman.
- Hi Superman.
<i>I know that saving people can
be a big responsibility,
<i>but no matter what it takes, it's worth it.
- I know.
<i>You can do this, Kyle. Now hang on,
because Hercules wants to talk to you.
Oh God.
<i>Yes, God is here too. He's gonna
talk to you right after Captain Crunch.
Popeye, I need some help here!
Popeye is being killed by Christmas Critters.
Get off of me!
Hey, what is that?
More spinach for Popeye!
Imagine an M60 for Jesus!
All right!
The boy is doing it!
Everything is going to be okay!
<i>Missile launch in one minute.
Goddamnit, you stupid assholes
are going to ruin everything!
Prepare for launch.
- Sir, we have a security breach!
What?!
- There's an Unauthorized Entry Alert.
It's coming from Sector Two!
- Sector 2?
Kyle?
The hell are you doing back here?!
- Listen, you don't have to do this!
Our imaginations aren't running wild anymore.
Why is it so easy for children to break
into the Pentagon?!
You have to stop!
If I'm not mistaken, you're the one
who bet that leprechauns weren't real.
So why do you care what happens?
- Because I...
Because I think they are real.
It's all real. Think about it.
Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus
affected your lives
more than most real people in this room?
I mean, whether Jesus is real or not,
he's had a bigger impact on the world
than any of us have.
And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny
and Superman and Harry Potter.
They've changed my life, changed
the way I act on the Earth.
Doesn't that make them kind of "real. "
They might be imaginary, but they're
more important than most of us here.
And they're all gonna be around
long after we're dead.
So in a way, those things are
more realer than any of us.
Abort the sequence.
So Kyle, imaginary things are real, huh?
Guess that means I did win the bet after all.
And you know what that means, Kyle.
Just let it go with your fucking balls,
you fucking asshole!
Your friends have been in danger
and all you care about it this stupid bet!
Well I've decided, Cartman,
even if we had a bet,
that I am never sucking your balls,
you got that?!
They can throw me in jail for
the rest of my life,
but I am never going to suck
your balls, never! So there!
What happened?!
Why hasn't the missile gone off?!
There's been an abort, Mr. Gore.
- No! ManBearPig has to die!
Oh Jesus no!
That's it, Aslan!
The evil characters have fled!
The day is ours!
Kyle!
- Fellas! Where'd you come from?
What is that?
He did it!
Oh look, I'm back!
Nice going, kid.
The evil characters!
They're all behind the wall again.
Dude! How did you do that, Butters?
- Well I just used my imagination.
You know, I really have learned a lot,
you guys.
What Kyle said about imaginary things
being real and Butters using his imagination?
It makes me think that well maybe we all
have the power to make things a reality.
Oh why look, it's me.
And...
And there's Kyle.
And what's Kyle about to do?
Cartman, don't!
Oh Kyle! What are you doing to my balls?
Oh, look! It's Kyle sucking my balls!
Dude.
- Oh my God.
Oh Kyle, you are gobbling those balls,
aren't you?
I told you you would suck my balls
before this was over, didn't I, Kyle?
I'm not sucking your balls, that's imaginary!
No, Kyle, I believe you said
that imaginary things are real.
That's true. You did.
Oh, look at you go, Kyle!
Oh, you dirty girl! You love those balls.
Okay, Kyle, that's enough ballsucking.
We need to get you boys home.
I am not sucking Cartman's balls!
- Whatever you imagine to be real, is real.
Butters? Butters!
What?
It was all just a dream.
Come on, Butters, time to get up.
- Oh Dad! I had the craziest dream!
I saved all of Imaginationland from
running wild after a terrorist attack!
You were in Imaginationland, Butters!
We've read all about it in the paper!
The question is,
what were you doing in Imaginationland
when you were supposed to be helping
your mother clean up the basement?!
You are grounded, mister!
Wait, I'm not grounded.
- Oh yes you are!
Oh yeah?
That only works in Imaginationland!
You're grounded!
Ah, shit.

South Park S09E13 Free Willzyx

Episode 9x13
"Free Willzyx"
And now, Jambu is going to
going to give you all a big wave!
I'm all wet! Sweet!
Dude, Jambu is the best!
Now get ready for Jambu's next trick.
Haha! I'm totally wet!
This is awesome!
How about that, folks!
A full body flip!
And now, Kelly's gonna show us
how she makes Jambu do his tricks.
When Kelly slaps her hand three times,
Jambu comes to her.
Jambu will stay and wait until
Kelly gives him a command.
Oh, what trick are we gonna see?
Get those cameras ready!
That's Kelly riding on Jambu's nose!
I wish Kelly would ride on my nose.
Yes! Yeehehehes!
We hope you enjoyed Jambu's orca show and enjoy
the rest of your day at Denver's Sea Park!
You bunch of retards.
- Hehe. Yeah.
Okay, where to next?
I think there's a sea lion show at 2:30.
Let's just stay here and watch the
whale swim around some more.
Why?
Dude, everyone's leaving! We can walk
right up to the tank and really study him.
Kyle, the show is over!
The whale isn't gonna splash
us any more, so who cares?
Let's go see the stingrays and
then we can go to the sea lion show.
Killer.
I'll meet up with you guys in a little bit.
I-I wanna hang out here some more.
Okay, Kyle. We're gonna
get splashed some more
but if you wanna go make
love to the whale, that's fine.
Jambu! Jambu!
Cool! It worked! Hey, Jambu.
Hello, little boy.
You like my flippers?
Who said that?
I did.
No way!
This is very exciting!
Usually when I talk, nobody can hear me.
Where are you from?
South Park.
It sure is nice to have somebody to talk to.
Can't we talk more? Please?
What do you wanna talk about?
Let's talk about rocket ships.
Rocket ships?
Yeah. I love rockets, but I can't see
them 'cause I'm stuck in this tank.
You know, someday, I wish that I
could go up in space in a rocket ship.
Why? Aren't you happy here?
I try to be, but my dream is to
oneday blast off in a big rocket ship!
This is amazing! But wait right here.
I've gotta go tell my friends about this!
Oh God, it's funny every single time.
And for those of you just joining us,
this is the stingray tank.
Stingrays are members of the shark family,
but they're extremely peaceful creatures.
We invite you to gently touch
the top of them as they swim by.
Heh! Come on, stingray!
Splash me! Ha! Hey, splash me!
Dude, these things are dumb. Let's go!
Hey you guys! You guys
are not gonna believe this!
What?
Dude, he talks!
The orca whale talks!
(What the fuck are you talking about?)
I went up to Jambu's tank and I tapped
three times like the trainer did.
Jambu swam up and started
talking to me about rocket ships!
Come on! You gotta check it out!
Jambu! Jambu, I'm back!
How are you feeling?
Huhm. Jambu, you wanna
talk about rocket ships?
Ja- Jambu?
Are you still feelin' lonely here?
Kyle, Kyle. Let it go, man.
He talked! I swear to Abraham he
talked and he loves rocket ships!
Dude, he's back, he's back!
Goddamnit, say something!
Come on, guys, let's leave
Kyle with his stupid whale.
Please don't call me stupid.
Jambu! Jambu, why didn't
you speak up before?
I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't talk.
It's because I'm very very sick, you see.
Sick?
I don't believe it.
Yes, because I'm not used
to the earth atmosphere.
You see, my name is actually Willzyx
and I'm from the moon!
The moon?
The... that's where all orca whales are from.
If I don't get back to
the moon, I'm going to die.
You live on the moon?
I used to.
I wish I could return and dance in the moon
castle with my wife and three children again.
Oh my God...
Why don't you just tell the
people here at the sea park?
I can't tell them, because they're evil
communists from the Horsehead Nebula.
They want to kill all us zypods, so they keep
us in these horrible tanks and make us perform.
That's terrible!
Dude, the boss is coming!
Uh, uh, sorry boys,
I can't talk anymore. I'm too sick.
Can't. Talk. Any. More.
Alright guys, listen up!
This may sound a little strange, but
the whale, at the Denver Sea Park, is
going to die, unless we get it to the moon
Well okay! Let's do it!
The whale's name is Willzy-x and
he told us he's dying on our planet.
We've come up wth a plan, but we're gonna
need all of your help to make it work.
...A whale. Talked to you.
It's true. The whale talked to all of us.
In between shows at his orca tank.
Hey, that whale talked to me too.
After everyone left the show I walked up
to the glass and he started talking.
Weh-well, why didn't you tell anybody?
- Well I thought I was crazy.
He said my dad was gonna sneak into
my room naked one night and beat me up.
Well you're NOT crazy.
The whale talked to all of us.
And he needs our help getting him home.
...So it's true.
Nobody else is going to help him, you guys.
We've got a chance to do something
pretty special here. Are you with us?
...What do we do?
Stan?
All right. In order to make our plan work.
We're going to need the pool from
Clyde's back yard, Timmy's wheelchair,
the Russian government and all of our skateboards.
Timmy...
Craig, Token, get the slings ready.
Shhh. Willzy-x, don't say anything.
We're gonna bust you out of here.
Dude, did you see that episode of Trading
Spouses last night? That was insane
Yeah, well ha- whoa.
What the hell?
How could you not have seen anything?
It's a whale, for Christ's sake!
It must have been taken while
I was going to the bathroom.
Were you in there for three hours?!?
Don't yell at me!
What happened?
Somebody kidnapped Jambu,
took him right out of the park.
What? How?
I DON'T KNOW!
All right, people, it's obvious we're dealing
with a highly intelligent animal-rights group.
Those bastards have done
stuff like this before.
Sir! Sir, we've found a note!
A note? Let me see that.
We're taking Willzy-x home to the moon
Long live the zypods!
What the hell does that mean?
Harris, run a fingerprint on that note!
Nelson! Find out what kind of
crayon it was written with.
We'll find out who was responsible for this!
We have to tell them!
We know what those boys look like!
We can't tell them, then they're,
they're gonna think this is all our fault.
It IS all our fault!
How were we supposed to know
that they were gonna actually do it?!
I shouldn't have laughed. All those times
we've messed with those kids' heads
I should have just laughed there and laughed.
Don't you say that! It was funny!
It was really funny!
We've just... we've just gotta
make this right ourselves.
How?
- We've gotta track down those kids. Before the police do!
We've gotta track down those kids.
Before the police do!
Comrades, I'm afraid our situation is dire.
The economy is stale and I...
Very soon, Mother Russia...
will no longer be a country.
Sir! Sir, somebody is on telephone!
Another rich American
wants to fly into space!
Hello?
Hello, this is Russian President.
Hi. My name's Kyle. Uh, I understand that your
country flies people into space for money.
Yes, we certainly do!
What were you looking for?
- I need to book one trip to the moon, please. Right away.
The moon. That is quite large trip,
but I'm sure we can do it!
You can? Awesome!
It sounds like we're in business!
We will just need, say,
twenty million dollars?
Twenty... million? Are you nuts?
We don't have that kind of money.
...What?
But you need to understand: we have a whale here
that needs to get back to his family on the moon.
Goddamnit it is prank call again!
Kiss my ass, George Bush!
This is not funny!
What happened?
- They want twenty million dollars.
Twenty million? Just to go to the dumb moon?
To wszystko?
To by³ ten wasz plan!?
That was it? That was you guys' whole plan?
Ask the Russians to take the whale to space?
They were going to do
it for that 'N Sync guy.
Oh, Jesus, now what are we gonna do?!
All right, look, there's gotta be other
Third-World countries with space programs.
We've gotta split up and
find someplace cheaper, that's all.
Well we can't keep the whale out here
anymore, people are gonna see it!
A beloved performing orca whale has
been stolen from the Denver Sea Park.
A full investigation is underway
but tracking down the kidnappers is
proving to be one WHALE of a problem.
Thanks, Tom, I'm here at the
Denver Sea Park where
believe it or not, dozens of people have come
to show support for whoever took the whale.
That's right. We are members
of the Animal Liberation Front!
Whales do not belong in tanks,
they belong in the ocean!
We applaud whoever did this noble deed!
Set the whales free!
- Set the whales free!
One thing for certain: something is
certainly FISHY here at the Sea Park. Tom?
Thank, Mitch. It seems that this
problem is almost unBEARable.
Let's hope that whale is found.
This is so bad, man. How do we even
know this is the right town to look in?
Will you relax? Those kids said
they were from South Park.
We've just gotta go door to door.
Do you have the composite sketch we did?
Yeah.
- Let's go!
Maybe you should start with the
houses on the left, a-and I'll take the-
Wait a minute. Check that out!
Come on!
Oh my good, look!
Whale poo.
We're close. We're really close!
Can I help you?
Oh... h-hello ma'am.
We're just here to examine your pool.
Have you noticed any
whales in your pool at all?
No, I don't believe so.
But we've been out of town for a couple of
days and came back to find the fence broken.
Do you think somebody's been using it?
Ma'am, do you recognize any of these boys?
The fat one in the middle...
kinda looks like Dakota Fanning.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I have to get back to the oven.
We're too late.
They've moved on to another town!
We don't know that!
If they've moved on, then we have no leads!
This is fate, Brian! It's fate!
For telling the kids their naked
dads were gonna beat them up!
For thinking that screwing
with kids was funny!
It WAS funny!! It was funny, Bob!
And it will be funny again, I swear to you!
If those boys took the whale out of here,
we would have seen them on the road!
I'm telling you, we're close.
It's going to be funny!
Kyle bubbe, we're taking Ike to the
new Harry Potter movie. Wanna join us?
I can't, Mom. We're
working on our school project.
All right. Well, there's pizza in the
fridge if you and your friends get hungry.
Okay ma, thanks!
Shouldn't we get him back in the water?
Whales are mammals: they don't
need water to breathe, dumbass.
Yeah, we just have to keep him wet.
Yes, yes, hello? Is this Mr. Su-gi-yama
with the Japanese space program?
How much to take a whale into space?
Nu-no, we don't want you to eat the whale,
we want you to send it to the moon.
How much? Jesus Christ! Uh hang on.
Hello? Jimmy, any luck
at the Chinese Embassy?
The Ch-Chinese will take someone
to space for t-t-ten million dollars.
Ten million? Well that's more
than the Germans want!
Yeah. We told them that a-and
they told us to go f-fuck ourselves.
Damnit! Tell me what to do, Willzyx!
How do we get you home?
He hasn't said a word
since we brought him here.
Yeah... He must be really sick.
Hang on Willzyx. There's still hope.
Stan and Craig might still luck with
the space program down in Mexico.
Mexico has a space program?
Uh, excuse me, we're looking for the Mexican
Aeronautica y Spacia Administrashown?
Allá.
- Thanks.
Is this the Mexican space program?
Space, sí. Fly.
Does the Mexican space programs
have rockets that can go to the moon?
Flow, sí, sumi.
The roque lunar?
This rocket will fly to the moon?
Sí, fly.
To the moon?
- Sí.
We want to take something to the moon.
How much would that cost?
Two hundred.
Two hundred? Million?
Two hundred... dollars.
Quick, call Kyle.
Eh hello ma'am.
The teacher at the school said she
recognized this boy to be your son?
Oh yes, that's my bubbe.
Kind of a bad drawing though.
Ma'am, we need to talk to your son, please!
It's very urgent!
I'm sorry, he just left.
He's on his way to Mexico.
Mexico?
Yehhs. As part of a school project
he's helping his class to move two donated grand
pianos to needy school children in Tijuana.
My little bubbe is very caring.
Oh my God.
- Which highway did they take?
Hurry it up, dude,
we have a rocket to catch.
Hang on, Willzy-x.
Hang on, buddy.
We have to hurry!
I'm going as fast as I can.
Hang on, Willzyx.
We'll in Mexico soon!
Oh hamburgers! What is that?
All right, out of the truck!
Uh oh.
- What the hell is goin' on?!
You're carrying a stolen whale!
Stolen?
You kids told me you
won that whale at Pizza Hut!
We're busted.
Come on out, kid.
Look, I didn't know nothin' about this.
Just help us get the whale into our truck
and we'll all keep quiet about this.
You don't understand!
Willzyx is from the moon!
He'll die if we don't get him back, now!
Willzyx, you have to talk!
Come on boy, you have to!
I know you're sick, but you could do it!
Look, kid, we need to
tell you a little secret.
What's goin' on here?
Aw crap.
Oh, now we're gonna get it.
Hey... That's the stolen whale!
Everyone down on the ground. Now!
No! Please, we have to go!
You're not goin' anywhere!
You're in a lot of trouble!
But... we were so close...
I'm sorry, Willzyx. We tried.
We said down on the ground, kid. Move it!
Leave those kids alone, you bastards!
Animal Liberation Front!
Put down that weapon, now!
These boys are trying to get that
whale home! You're not gonna stop them!
All right!
That whale belongs to a sea park!
It belongs with its family!
That's right!
I said drop the gun NOW!
Save the whales!
Jesus, Oh God!
Save the whales, motherfucker!
Where are you taking the whale?
Tijuana, Mexico!
Of course. Brilliant!
Release it in international waters.
I'll drive the truck.
You're going home, Willzyx!
Mike? Mike?!
It... wasn't... funny...
Don't say that, Mike. It was funny.
It just wasn't that funny this time.
All the other times were still funny, Mike!
They were still funny!
Forty-five to dispatch...
Stolen whale... heading to Tijuana...
Whaaale to Tijuana!
They're on their way, Manuel.
Is the rocket gonna be ready?
Sí, fly.
Look! The Mexican border!
Oh Jesus, they're here!
Hold your positions!
Aha! We've got them!
Hang on, boys.
Mary Mother of God!
Get them!
Willzyx, I think we're here.
Back down the ramp!
It's all rigged to go!
You got it, kid!
Don't let them get that whale in the water!
Kyle, it's all set to go!
Just get Willzyx into the water!
Come on, guys!
Stop right now!
Hurry, boys! We'll take care of them!
Hang on. Hold on a second.
I... guess... this is... goodbye, Willzyx.
I'm gonna miss you.
Hey, don't forget me, okay?
I won't forget you.
Oh crap! There's more of them!
Get him in the water!
Goodbye, Willzyx!
Swim, mighty whale! You're free!
Okay, Manuel, hit it.
Stop! That is my whale!
I'm afraid you're too late!
The whale's been set free.
No!
Now you see that your ways of captivity
and exploiting animals will never prevail.
Not as long as there are children like these who
still believe in the beauty and magic of freedom.
For it is children, with their
innocence and their spirit
who know what is truly
best for all the world.
Oh my God!
We did it!
Thanks for the ride, Manuel.
Sí, bye.
Well, see ya, fella. Uh I've gotta
get home before my parents wake up.
Yeah, me too.
All right. Thanks for your help, dudes.
Well, we did it, guys. It wasn't easy,
but... we did a really amazing thing.
Yeah, I feel pretty awesome right now.
I wonder... if he'll ever
come back and visit us.
I don't know.
But at least from now on,
every time we look at the moon
we can know that Willzy-x is up there,
dancing with the other zypods in his castle.

South Park S09E09 Marjorine

What are you guys all doing here?
I don't know, I,
I got this emergency letter from Cartman,
who said to meet in his basement?
Yeah, us too.
Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming.
We don't have a lot of time,
so I'll cut to the chase:
The girls at our school have been
hiding something from us!
Hiding something huge...
What ?
What if I were to tell you...
that the girls have a device...
which allows them to see...
into the future?
What ??
How do you know?
The girls do not have a device that shows
them the future, Cartman! That's retarded!
You, sir, mocked Cartman before,
yet you two sit here demanding answers!
Now damn you let him speak!
Thank you, Clyde.
Aaaagh, I'm afraid it's true.
Uh, I secretly videotaped the girls on the playground
yesterday using my Wellington Bear video camera.
I caught the following images on tape.
I warn you, these images may be too shocking for young children.
Oh okay, I'm not lookin'.
Video Playback Initialized!
Cool!Okay, my turn, my turn!
Do me now!
Okay Bebe, what do you want to know?
I want to know if I want to live
in a big mansion in the future.
Okay, let's find out. Ready?
Pick a number.
Four.
One two three four. Okay, pick a color.
Blue.
B L U E. All right, pick another color.
Red.
'Kaaay.
Okay, will Bebe live in a big mansion in the future?
Definitely yes!
All right!
Woohoo! You rock, Bebe!
Whoa! Wow!
Do me next.
I wanna know if I'm gonna marry somebody cute
I'll do it! I'll do it!
Pick a number.
Three.
One two three. Nooow, pick a color.
G R E E N
Now blue!
The answer is no.
Aw dangit!
Oh my God, how does it know the answer?
I... don't believe it.
Believe it! The girls can ask it any question
they want and it gives them an answer.
Freeze image!
Gemtemen, we have to get our hands on that device.
How is the incubation shield coming, Clyde?
It's all set.
Once we have the device, it can be housed in here
safely until we know what we're dealing with.
Good man.
Any luck here?
The outside of the device seems to be covered in numerals.
Inside are colors... which must open up
some sort of temporal timewall
Good. Keep working. We want to know all we can
before we try to operate it.
All right, gentlemen, our containment center for
the timewall is nearly complete.
All that's left for us to do is get the device
from the girls and bring it here.
Let's go take it.
Don't be a fool, Craig.
Do you really think the girls are just gonna
hand that technology over?
So what do you suggest?
Heidi Turner is going to have a
slumber party on Thursday night.
There's no doubt in my mind the girls will be using
the future-telling device there.
If we... can get somebody invited to that slumber party,
not only can we get a hold of the device,
but, find out how to use it.
Yeah, there's just one problem: a boy can't
go to a chicks' slumber party.
No, not a boy, but a girl.
One of us is gonna have to go undercover, show up in school
tomorrow disguised as the new girl who just moved to town
You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?
No, not like Juwanna Mann, Kevin, okay?!
It's way cooler than that!
But if one of us pretends to be the new girl in class,
the girls will wonder where that boy went.
Which is why we have to fake that boy's death.
It's simple spy stuff, my friends.
Take your top man, fake his death, then send him
in disguised as the enemy.
That's a pretty solid idea. But who?
Mr. and Mrs. Stotch?
Yes? What is it, officer?
You'd better come quick.
Your son is at the Bowery Building
threatening to kill himself.
What ??
Don't do it, son! You have too much to live for!
Oh my God, Butters!
Oh uh, hi Mom.
Just keep stalling, Butters. We don't have the
dead pig quite ready yet
Butters? Butters, whatever is troubling you, this isn't the answer!
Look at all these people who've come out for you!
Just come down now, son, and ...we promise we won't
ground you for more than a couple of weeks.
N'aw geez! Now I'm gonna get grounded, too.
Okay, it's ready! Step down, Butters!
He, h-he's coming down! Oh thank God!
No, wait, whatwhat's he doing??
Okay. One! Two!
JEEESUS CHRIST!
OHHHH MY GOD!!
He... didn't make it.
NOOOOOO!! NOOOOOO!!
My son is DEEAAD!! NOOOOOO!!
Nice.
And he shall be remembered as the peaceful
little boy who warmed his parent's hearts.
Lord, as we commit this child's body to the earth,
may we ask it be the last child you strike down so mercilessly.
We know this request to be futile, Lord,
but just thought we would ask.
NOOOOOO!! NOOOOOO!! BUTTERS!!
NOOOOOO!! Don't put him down there!!
Don't put him down there!!
Okay children, let's take our seats.
Now I know that we're all still in deep, deep mourning
over the tragic death of our classmate, Butters
Who's Butters?
But we all must try to move on
And so I'd like you to help me welcome a new student
who has just moved here from Dallas.
Children, please say hello to...
Marjorine.
Oh, uh, hello.
Welcome to our school, Marjorine.
Oh... Thank you.
Dude, I think it's totally working.
The girls are totally buying it.
Why don't you tell the children
a little about yourself, Marjorine?
Well, I'm just a typical little girl.
I like dancin', an' and ponies, a-a-and getting
my snootch pounded on Friday night.
Nice.
Now Marjorine, that's not very lady-like.
Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snootch
just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
That girls sure has a strange sense of fashion.
Dude, they totally think he's a girl.
All right, have a seat, Marjorine,
I'm sure all the other girls will be happy to show you
around the school. Won't you, girls?
Where do you buy your clothes?
Oh. Uhm, you know. Girl places.
Dude, they've bought it hook line and sinker.
This is going swimmingly.
Heidi, sweetie,
I'm just gonna set the snacks over here.
'Kay Mom.
Oh, and Heidi, there's going to be one extra girl
coming to your slumber party.
Who??
The new girl in your class, Marjorine.
Mom, I didn't invite her!
I know, sweetie,
but I got a call from Marjorine's mother.
Her mother ?
She said Marjorine is having a really
hard time being in a new school.
Her mom asked me personally if we could have Marjorine over,
and besides, her mother told me that she works as a
state official and that I should ... respect her authroitay.
Linda? Linda, please come downstairs.
Why couldn't we help him?
Why is our little boy dead?
Oh Butters! Oh Butters,
I miss you so much!
Mr. Stotch. I know what you're thinkin'.
Who are you?
I came to talk you out of it.
You need tuh... just accept that your son is dead,
not try to bring him back.
Bring him back?
Why... What are you talking about?
I know you're thinkin' of puttin; him up there,
the Indian Burial Ground up that road.
You're thinking if you bury his body there,
he will come back alive.
Sometimes, dead is better.
Indian... Burial Ground?
It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of.
The Nelson boy, back in '85.
You're saying if I... dig up my son's body and rebury him
at the... old Indian Burial Ground, that I-
Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground
ain't the thing you put in.
The Indians knew that. That's why they stopped
using it when the ground went sour.
I'm just here to talk you out of it.
Don't bury your son's body at the Indian Burial Ground, Stotch!
The one that's right up over there, behind the
Andersons' bar. Sometimes... dead is better.
All right, Butters, that's Heidi's house.
Huh I can't do it, felas.
I can't go into a girls' slumber party!
What if they find out I ain't a girl?
You're gonna be fine.
Now Butters, we don't know exactly what it is
that girls do at their slumber parties.
But if they all start, you know,
lezzing out, just roll with it.
Lezzing out? What's lezzing out?
Now look, Butters, when the girls bring out the
future-telling device, pay attention to how it works
Once you know how to operate it, just grab it
and get the hell out of there.
Wuh then I can go home and tell my mommy
and daddy I'm not really dead?
Youh dude, of course.
Now go, the party's already started.
Good luck, man
Remember Butters, you must get that future-telling
device from the girls at all costs!
And just roll with it if they start lezzing out.
All right, now we all want you to have a good time.
But as Heidi's parents, tonight it is our responsibility
to look out for all of you.
There's not gonna be any drinking, no pot, and most importantly,
if I catch any boys anywhere near this party, they're gonna
be in a world of hurt.
All right, have a nice time, girls
So, what do you guys wanna do first?
We could play "girl talk."
I brought the new Justin Timberlake CD.
We should dance to it.
How about we read each other's futures?
I know. Let's do
"Light as a feather, stiff as a board."
Who wants to go first?
I will.
Oh geez, are we gonna start lezzing out?
Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Jesus, what are they doing in there?
God only knows the horrors that go on in girls' slumber
parties. Let's just hope Butters can survive it.
AAAAAAAAAAH NOO! Witches! You're all witches!
Marjorine, what is your problem?!
Huh? Oh nothin'.
Hey, you guys wanna tell each other's futures now?
Yeah. I can tell you your future, Marjorine! You're going
to live alone your entire life because you're a nerdy dorky geed!
Yeah, and your hair is totally stupid!
Yeah, and you're flat
Marjorine, why don't you just leave?!
Nobody wants you here!
Hello son. Don't you worry.
Daddy's gonna make everything all right again
There he is. There's my boy!
Come on, Butters!
Oh... Butters... smell like... bacon.
Don't worry. We're gonna bring you back, son.
We're gonna bring you back!
I think we went too far with Marjorine
She's in the bathroom crying.
Marjorine?
Nobody likes meee...
Aw gee, she's really upset.
I feel terrible, you guys.
It can't be easy being the new girl in school.
Marjorine? Marjorine?
Hey, we didn't mean it.
You don't know how hard it is to be me.
Marjorine, we were just teasing.
We think you're great.
You think I'm uglee-eeheheee.
You're not ugly, Marjorine.
You said I'm ugly and I'm flat.
Marjorine, you just have a different look, that's all.
We just... we need to help you bring out your inner beauty.
Yeah. How about we all give you
a little makeover, Marjorine?
Yeah, Let's go!
You mean it?
Dude, it's been too long. Something's wrong
Maybe they found him out.
Then, he's already dead.
Come on, we gotta go check on him
Can you see anything?
He's just dancing around.
That sonofabitch!
Marjorine, sweetie, your mom's on the phone.
My mom?
Hello ?
Butters!
Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Well, I'm just havin' some fun with my girlfriends.
You aren't there to have fun, you black asshole!
You were supposed to be getting the future-telling device.
Well, I'm workin' on it!
Working on what?! Your dance moves?!
Now look! I'm getting pretty sick of this! Well I put
myself through a lot, and you can't talk to me like that! Uh, mom.
Just do what you were sent in there to do, dickface!
Hey Marjorine, you wanna know your future?
Ah. Uhh. Could I hold that?
Sure.
Here, you do my future.
How?
Well uh you know, it's easy. You just put your
thumbs and index fingers in here...
Aha! I knew it! Boys in the slumber party!
There's a boy here?
Stand back! I had a... great time tonight,
but I gotta do what I was sent here to do!
He's got it! He's got the device!
Tango tango tango! We've got it!
Let's get it to the cointainment center! Go!
Come on, Butters.
No! That darn device is nothin' but trouble! Ah I'm done,
and I'm goin' home to tell my Mom and Dad I'm not dead!
What the hell?
Haaahahahaha, we have the device now!
The power belongs to us!
Anybody have a piece of notebook paper
so I can make another one?
Go! Go! Get in the containment field!
Stephen, you did what??
I had to, Linda. If there was even the slightest
chance it would bring him back!
I don't know!
I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
You dug up our son's body??
Performed some kind of pagan ritual??
Linda, I did it for you!
You wanted him back so much. So did I!
Not Like this.
Not like this. He wouldn't be our son, Stephen.
He would be a walking abomination.
An unholy demon spawn!
Hello?
It's him.
Keep the door locked.
Mom? Dad?
Ih it's me, Butters. I'm back.
Oh God...
It's gone, dear. It's gone. Forgive me.
Huhey Mom and Dad, I'm not-
Oh God, it's terrible! What have I done?!
Uh, I guess you're probably
a little surprised to see me.
IT ISN'T RIGHT! MAKE IT GO AWAY!
Gentlemen, this is a historic day for all of boy- and mankind!
In a few moments, we will know the future
Ho- hold on guys.
We're not sure what this device is capable of.
Maybe we should wait until we've had more time to study it.
No, no! We don't have tome for that, Stan!
It's time to ask it a question.
How come you get to use it first?
Because I do, Clyde.
I wanna use it.
I'm askin' the first question!
Let's just start with something simple.
Will Kyle die before he's twenty?
Wait! I don't wanna know that
Ask it if the Broncos are gonna win on Sunday.
Naw, dude, then it won't be fun to watch!
Will you all just shut up so I can do this?!
You shut up, asshole!
I don't wanna know when I'm going to die, fatass!
Guys, guys, guys, stop!
Look at what this thing is doing to us.
Butters was trying to tell me something outside the house.
That this device is nothing but trouble.
I think I know what he meant now.
How can it be nothing but trouble?
We risked everything to get it from the girls.
How long before the girls attack us to get it back?
Yeah. Forget about the girls, what about if the CIA
or, or the Russians know we have this?
They'll come after it for sure.
Maybe we should take it to someplace safer.
And then what?
Hide forever from the government?
>From the... terrorists who want to use it for evil?
Maybe... maybe nobody is meant to have this kind of power.
You mean, destroy it.
Are you guys nuts?!
After everything we've gone through?!
We got it away from the girls.
That's what matters.
But now the right thing to do isn't using it ourselves,
then we're no better than they are.
Think of the power!
It's too much power. For anybody. Stan's right.
It has to be destroyed.
Are we sure about this?
We'll never know the future.
Nobody will. That's the way it's supposed to be.
Hit it, Kenny
Damn, Ken!
Here. Here, you see?
It's going to be all right. Hello... son.
Hi Dad.
He was supposed to stay dead!
Mom, Dad, can I come upstairs now?
Sorry, son, but... you're a demon spawn now.
You're an abomination.
Can I please just have somethin' to eat?
Well I'm pretty hungry.
It's... hungry.
Yes... It must feed.
Hello, I'm Rachel with Quality Curtains.
Oh yes. Thank you for coming.
Which room are we looking at?
Just follow me to the basement.
Yes. The basement.
Oh my, it's pretty dark down here.
You sure you need curtains?
Uh hello, I'm Butters
Little boy, what are you doing down here?
Here you go, son. Eat!
What are we becoming?!
Come on. Don't watch it feed.
Can't I just have some Spaghetti-O's??

South Park S09E08 Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

Dude, you were right cartman!
Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat!
Yeah, isn't this fun?
Just you and me hanging out, Stan.
No stupid Kyle around.
Man, I wish I could really drive this thing.
You know how?
Sure I do.
Well here...
Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.
Dude, I don't think your uncle would want us driving it.
Nobody's gonna know,
we'll just drive it around the marina real quick.
Look, if anything happens I'll take full responsibility.
Okay, turn on the ignition...
Awesome
We are not moving.
Maybe you have the parking brake on.
Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass.
They only have... oh wait, wait, neutral button!
Ahhhh!!
Other way, other way!
Ahhh!!
Jesus Christ!
Stan, beaver dam!
Very large beaver dam, Stan!
Oh dude.. oh Jesus..
Dude, Stan, you are in serious trouble.
You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy.
I don't even have an uncle Roy!
That was just some guy's boat I knew about.
What ?
Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen.
Okay? We were both at my house, all afternoon, playing tea party.
Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail!
Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers.
Dude come on, we gotta get out of here!
With an eye on America and on today's events,
it's South Park: Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker.
Crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive
flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton,
Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam.
Earlier today a break in the beaver dam,
which protected the town, broke open,
trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives.
Oh my gosh, those poor people!
Tom, I'm currently 10 miles outside of Beaverton,
unable to get inside the town proper.
We do not have any reports of fatalities yet,
but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions.
Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand,
Tom, so this would be quite devastating.
Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?
We-we're not sure what exactly is going inside
the town of Beaverton, Tom,
but we're reporting that there's looting, raping,
and yes, even acts of canibalism.
My God, you've actually seen people looting,
raping and eating each other?
No, no we haven't actually seen it,
Tom, we're just reporting it.
Y'all done with your fish sticks, Stan?
I'll help you Sharon.
Boy, that's just awful.
In the nearby town of South Park,
the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated.
That's right, we know whose fault this is.
Oh oh...
It's George Bush's fault!
Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!
George Bush didn't break that beaver dam!
It was terrorists and Al-Qaeda!
They've been secretly building beaver dam WMD's for years now!
Yeah, yeah! WMD's WMD's!
Mom, dad...
they-they're gonna go help those people, right?
I don't know. You know, to me it seems like the mayor of Beaverton
should have done something that dam years ago.
Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA?
I think this whole thing is really their fault.
Yeah, bu-but, s-somebody's gonna help
the people off their rooftops, right?
That's not important right now, son.
What's important is figuring out whose fault this is.
Dude, dude! Did you see the news last night?
Yeah.
You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Pretty funny?! Dude we did that!!
That was our fault.
Hey hey, no way. We aren't the ones who built a town beneath
a giant beaver dam, okay? That's their fault!
But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them.
Well they should'a gotten out of there.
Mabye they couldn't get out.
We did.
Dude, I-I just.. I-I don't know what to do here.
Ah ah! I know what you're thinking, Stan.
You're thinking you're gonna tell Kyle.
Look, I know you think he's your best friend,
but Kyle is a Jew rat.
He has his Jew ethics, while he whores his greedy Jew gold,
and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!
Hey dudes. Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday.
What did you guys do?
Nothing.
Heh, totally.
Hey everybody!
They just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton!
Aww, crap!
Quiet, children, quiet. We need to hear.
At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break.
But now, shocking new evidence has indicated that
the flood in Beaverton was caused by... Global warming!
Ohh!
It now appears that.. all rumors of global warming were true.
We were warned this would happen, and.. we didn't listen.
We didn't listen!
All the top Colorado geologists have gathered
at the governor's office for an emergency meeting.
Ladies and gentlemen, if global warming
has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood,
then this is only the beginning.
The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at
is a global warming catastrophe,
the likes of which we've never seen.
Excuse me, sir, but when?
When is this going to happen?
My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests,
but - we believe it may happen the day after tomorrow.
Excuse me! I'm sure we're all very impressed
with your wild theories, Dr. Marsh,
but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed
that global warming exists.
Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?
ith all due respect, Cliche Descending Republican,
the economy isn't going to matter the day after tomorrow.
Listen! Listen! We finished running the tests.
Global warming is going to strike two days
before the day after tomorrow.
Oh my God. That's today!
We didn't listen!
Stan, get in the car!
We have to evacuate!
We didn't listen!
Come on, come on!
It's useless, this traffic isn't moving.
Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming?
I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam after all.
No Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down.
We didn't take care of our Earth,
and now you've inherited our problems.
We didn't listen!
We did listen! Come on, everyone grab what you can,
we have to walk.
Oh Jesus, here it comes!
Global warming!!
It's coming! Here comes global warming!
We didn't listen!!
Come on, hurry!
It's right behind us!
It's coming the other way!
Go back, go back!
Everyone into the community center!
Hurry, go!
Get inside, we have to close these doors!
Come on, we've got to board up that last window.
Seal up all the doorways.
We must try to protect ourselves
from the global warming.
Mr. Garrison, are you alright?
I'm in pretty bad shape. My leg is broken,
and my left boob is leaking.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton
are still trapped in the flood.
I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie.
We have to try and save ourselves now.
Shh, shh, we've got the television working.
This is a Fox news update: Global warming disaster!
Global warming seems to have struck,
as predicted, in the Colorado Rockies.
All around the country panic
and chaos are settling in.
Tom, I'm standing just outside of Chicago where the panic
of global warming has already caused countless deaths.
Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago
is over six hundred billion people.
Oh God.
This is all your fault, Jimbo!
Me?
Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around.
You didn't even think about global warming, did ya?!
Can you believe it Stan? I never thought global warming
could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen.
Kyle, it.. it isn't global warming.
Huh?
Global warming isn't happening right now.
It's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
How do you know that?
Because.. I know what did cause the flood.
George Bush?
No.
- Terrorists?
- No.
- Communists?
- No.
- Chinese radicals?
- No.
Cartman?
Sort of.
Cartman flooded Beaverton?!
Shhh. N-Not exactly.
We were messing around on this guy's new boat,
and Cartman egged me on,
and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.
Dude you have to tell everyone, right now!
Hey Stan.
Oh god damnit, you told Kyle didn't you?
Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs.
Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside.
Ah, here we go. See, I told you.
If you're so caring, Kyle,
why don't you share some of your Jew gold
with the people caught in the flood?
Look, maybe.. maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves?
How?
Why?
We can sneak out of here, get a boat and go help them off their roofs.
That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it.
Listen, listen everyone.
Nobody can leave this building.
But.. we need supplies - food, silicone.
You go outside and you'll die.
By now the global warming has shifted the climate,
bringing on a new ice age.
Within thehour the temperature outside will fall to
over seventy million degress below zero.
Jezus.
All we can do is try to wait it out, as long as we can.
And the rest of the country?
Everyone below this line will have to be evacuated to the south.
Everyone above this line is already dead.
People like us, in the middle states, have to ride it out.
The south western states might have a chance,
but New York will have tidal waves that will envelope
all of the north east.
What, Frank?
Oh, oh God damn it!
Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please.
Any day now.
Why haven't they come for us?
I-I don't know.
Wait, look! Here comes a boat!
Really? Oh it's about time!
Oh Kevin, we're saved!
It looks like.. three little boys.
Hey we'll take it! Over here, yes!
Thank you, thank you!
Oh thanks, thanks. That's a lot better.
We can't get out! The flames are too big.
Oh, great. You see Stan,
this is what you get for listening to Kyle.
"Oh, you gotta help those people,
it's your responsibility."
Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did
so your parents can help us.
Stan? Stan?
Randy, we've looked everywhere. Kyle's missing too.
Oh my God! Where would they go?
Randy, Randy. Your son's on the phone.
Stan?
Ah, hey dad.
Stan, you're alive!
Dad, we-we're trapped in Beaverton,
we were trying to save everyone.
Stan, listen to me. You must stay indoors. Do not try to go out.
Global warming has brought in a new ice age
No dad, listen. I need to tell you something.
What is it, son?
Nothing. Can you just come get us please?
You just stay put son. I'm coming for you.
Do you hear me? I'm coming for you!
Randy, where are you going?
I'm going to Beaverton.
You can't go out there, you'll freeze to death.
My son is counting on me.
I'm going with you.
You can't go out there, you'll freeze to death.
You can't do this alone!
Let me go, too.
You can't go out there, you'll freeze to death.
Alright come on both of you. We've got to pull together
every warm piece of clothing we can find.
Steven! Steven you have to keep moving!
I can't go on... feel so hot...
Feeling warm is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia.
Oh Jesus, I feel warm too!
Yeah me too. Steven, we've gotta keep moving. We're in deep
hypothermia, all of us. We've gotta keep the blood flowing.
Maybe we should strip our jackets off..
and warm our bodies next to each other?
Don't be a fag! Come on, we can make it.
We have to try!
Come on people, we're running out of time. We need all
army helicopters to the southern states for evacuation now!
Sir, more people in Beaverton are calling.
They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.
Tell them that the government can't help.
But that we're very sorry.
You know the plan people,
we can only evacuate citizens below this line.
Ex-excuse me, General?
What?!
We've just compiled some new information. The flood in
Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all.
What?
We know the truth now.
We know what caused it.
Oh, my God. Rick, radio the helicopters!
Help! Help!
Dude, this whole building is going to collapse.
We have to find a way out.
Don't worry everyone, the government is here to save you.
Oh well, thank you so much.
What a swift and speedy resuce.
It's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone.
Not so fast, Kyle.
What are you doing?
Hand over the gold.
What gold?!
You know what I'm talking about.
No Cartman,
I have no idea what you're talking about.
All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks.
Hand it over!
Guys come on!
Jews do not carry gold in a little bag around their necks,
Cartman. Stop playing around.
I'm not playing around, Kyle. If we survive this I don't
intend to live in poverty. Give me your Jew gold now!
Dude we don't have time for your stupid jokes,
we're gonna die!
Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold.
The decision is yours Kyle.
God damn it, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag
around my neck Cartman! What do you want from me?
I want your Jew gold.
Okay fine, here! Now let's go.
Do you think I'm stupid?
I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around
their necks to keep their real bags of gold safe.
Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle.
No, noo!!
Hey, wait up you assholes! God..
Hey look everybody, helicopters!
They've got the boys!
Global warming must be over.
We made it!
Stanley!
Kyle!
Stan? We found Stan!
So does this mean the storm has passed?
Global warming is over?
Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood.
We know now whose fault it is. It was... crab people!
Crab people.. crab people..
Stop it, stop it! First it was terrorists,
then George Bush and global warming
and now you're all blaming crab people
for something that's very simple.
It's my fault. I broke the dam.
Oh, man...
Stanley? You?
No. Don't you see what this child is saying?
We can't spend all our energy placing blame
when somehting bad happens.
He's saying - we all broke the dam.
No, I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
No, I broke the dam.
And I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
Heh heh, I broke the dam, heh.
I broke the dam.
I broke the dam.
I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
I broke the dam.
No, I broke the f***ing dam!
I broke the dam.
I literally broke the dam!
I broke the dam.
On a boat. That wasn't mine!
I broke the dam.
I kept it secret for two days!
I broke the dam.
The boat caught on fire! And it exploded!
I broke the dam.
Oh, f*** it!
Transcript : Schenavi
Synced by : aneurysm

South Park S09E07 Erection Day

N'kay, kids, as your counselor,
I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk
about subjects like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay?
So, as you remember, last week I told
you to write down any
difficult questions you had
and put them in this box anonymously so
we could discuss in class, m'kay?
I got a lot o' responses,
so let's read some aloud.
"Mr. Mackey is gay."
Okay kids, that is not funny! Unkay?!
This box is supposed to
be used for serious questions!
About, about serious issues! M'kay,
let's let's stop the tomfoolery!
M'kay, this looks like a real one here.
"Dear Mr. Mackey,
you are gay."
All right, all right. That's enough, kids.
Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay?
Uh here we go. Okay,
"Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me,
and you are gay."
Damnit, is there not one serious
question in here?!
"Mr. Mackey is gay, Mr. Mackey is gay"
Okay, here.
I am a boy at South Park Elementary.
Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class,
my penis becomes hard for no reason.
What should I do?
All right kids, all right kids,
that's enough!
If you all can't be serious
about the question box,
then we'll just do drug
identification exercises, unkay?!
M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here
and write down the names of two narcotics?
Uh no, that that's okay, Mr. Mackey.
Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!
Uhhh, just uh uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey.
Well why the hell not?!
He's what...
Oh, you do?
R r right now, right now it is?
on'kay, on'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy.
N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else.
Eric, why don't you come up here?
Hey, that's bullcrap?!
How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?!
Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now.
He's what??
TALENT SHOW THIS FRIDAY
Garand prize 100$
A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall?
Maybe we should do the talent show.
Well, what's the point? Jimmy always
wins with his stand-up comedy.
Hey fellas.
Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving away
a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show.
Oh I sure have. I've been working
on my ruh... ruh,,, routine all year long
I don't know how you do it, dude.
How do you get up in front of that many people?
Well fellas, entertainment is my life.
I love being in front of everyone.
What's the matter?
I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas.
Excuse me!
It's occupied.
No room at the inn, Virgin Mary.
Hehey Jimmy!
M'boy, did you see that first
prize for the talent show?
Why you must be excited!
You'll probably win like always.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited.
REAL escited...
for some reason...
Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me?
Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?!
How about a courtesy flush?!
Up yours, Butters.
Hey Jimmy, how was school?
Fine, Mom.
Jimmy, we understand you're getting
erections in the classroom.
What? Uh who told you that?
Mr. Mackey, your counselor.
Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!
Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
But we know it's something you might have
a hard time talking about.
Get it? A hard time.
So, we took your counselor'sadvice 'nd called
Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this.
Dz-n-Doctor Pal?
Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal.
That's because I'm a doctor,
but I'm also your pal. Are we cool?
Uh, sure?
A lot of times parents call me in because
I can relate to younger kids.
I'm I'm down, I'm dope, you dig?
Now, I understand you have some
concerns about erections.
Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right.
Oh God, I feel so weird" huh?
Well, a little, yes.
Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections.
Almost every boy goes through a phase where
his penisbecomes hard... for no particular reason.
It's just part of grwoing up.
Growing up?
Growing out is more like it.
But I have to make it stop!
The talent show is this F-Friday.
Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skidaddle
for a tick and let us hipsters talk in privo.
A-all right, come on, honey.
Jimmy, as you get older your body
goes through a lot of changes.
Certain hormones start to release as your
whole reproductive system begins to awaken,
and so, if you like, we can
take off our shirts and kiss.
Ke...c-come again?
Oh, hey, nothin', you see?
See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you
thinkin' a different way. That's what Doctor Pal is here to do.
Unless, of course, you think we should
take off our shirts and kiss.
N-no, I do NOT want to take
off my shirt and kiss.
Well then to hell with you, kid.
You can just deal with your problems on your own.
Next up for the talent show:
put your hands together for the incredibly
talented Jimmy Valmer!
Wow, what a what a great audience.
So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail.
Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this?
She's very excited to get started on her new show,
"Martha Stewart Living,
with an electronic ankle bracelet."
So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope.
Have you seen this, have you heard about this?
A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope,
a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic.
Uh,.. so it so it looks like Michael Jackson
is having back problem in court.
You know... huh... you uh you know what
they say about b-b-b-b-back problems.
Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience.
What a fantastic audience.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
We're not laughing with you,
we're laughing AT you.
Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples,
Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too.
Lu Lu Lu, let's get together,
- I know what we can do, Lu Lu.
- Butters!
Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy.
I'm just practicin' for the talent show.
Butters, ah I really need to talk to somebody,
and I think maybe you're the only
person who won't make f-f-fun of me.
Oh Gosh, I'd never make fun of
somebody with a problem.
Butters, do you know what you're supposed
to do when your penis gets hard?
Well sure I do.
Really??
Yes, now sit down, Jimmy,
we should have a little talk.
You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard,
the man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina."
Then, the hard penis sneezes
milk inside the lady's tummy,
and after it's all done sneezin' milk.
The penis stops bein' hard,
and the man loses interest in the lady.
So, when your penis becomes hard,
you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina.
And then it stops being hard?
That's right, Jimmy.
But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in?
The talent show is this Friday.
Talk to you, Bertha.
Okay, see you later, Jessie.
Hey Bertha.
Oh, hey Jimmy.
What's goin' on?
Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could
stick my penis in your vagina?
What?? No way!
But the talent show is tomorrow!
Jerk!
Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?
I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?
Dude, you don't just go up to a girl
and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina.
Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take
her out for some Italian food.
Wow, seems like you know a lot
about this stuff, Eric.
Have you gotten laid before?
Sure, lots of times.
I've been laid, like, five thousand times.
Well, wha-what do I do?
I told you: a date and then Italian food.
And then you gotta make her
thnk you're a good listener.
Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very
important that I score to-night!
Can you come on the date and help me?
You're like a white... Hitch.
Why sure, they do this all
the time in movies and TV shows.
You go on the date and wear an earpiece,
and I'll be nearby, secretly telling
you all the right things to say.
Wow! Thanks, Eric.
Shawna honey, I think your little date is here.
Okay, Mom.
Hey Shawna.
Hi Jimmy.
Okay Jimmy.
First off, tell her how good she looks.
Wow, Shawna, you look fantastic.
Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?
We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant,
Buca de Fagghecini.
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for
the authentico experience Italiano.
My name is Roma.
Can I start you out with some lotsa
pasta macaroni minis?
Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic
pizzareli casserona poppers.
Right away.
You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school?
I can't stand her.
Jimmy! Jimmy!
Jimmy, even though what she's saying now
isn't interesting at all, you say:
"Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more."
Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.
Really?
Well, Kelligan bought the same purse
and I was like, "No WAY do I want it now!"
because who wants a purse that both their
best friends have, right? And so-
All right, when she stops yappin' again,
say: "Wow, I've never thought
of it that way before, but you're right."
-I guess that's why I figured,
"Who needs friends like that?"
Wow, I've never thought of it
that way before, but you're right.
It's like I told Debbie:
"If you're gonna go out with my friends-"
All right Jimmy,
when she finally shuts her trap again,
I want you to repeat whatever she said,
and then follow it with: "Wow, how insightful."
"And so if you're gonna be that way,
I don't need to be your friend."
"if you're gonna be that way, I don't need
to be your friend." Wow, how insightful.
You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, no other boys really
communicate like you do.
Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna,
because I really wanna stick
my penis in your vagina.
Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice.
...What??? I'm not doing that!
But the talent show is tomorrow night!
Creep!
Welcome students and parents to
the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show!
We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through,
so the quicker you shut up,
the quicker this will be over!
Okay, first up we have Billy Turner,
from the third grade,
who will be doing an alto sax solo.
Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?
Oh... Hi, Officer B-b-barbrady.
Jimmy, what are you doing here?
The talent show is inside.
I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show.
Not perform?
But Jimmy, you love talent shows.
Everyone in town knows that.
I just c-can't risk getting up
in front of everyone.
Why?
All right! I I keep getting
an erection for no reason! Okay!
But I can't get any of the girls
here to let me... do it to them.
Well of course not, Jimmy.
Little girls don't wanna have sex.
Then why does God make it so
that my penis gets hard
...if girls don't wanna
have it in their vaginas?
It's like a cruel joke.
Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure.
They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point.
...Colfax Point?
Well yeah, those women will have sex with anybody.
Really?
M-maybe I can catch the bus
...and get down there before the talent show ends.
Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady!
You're welcome, Jim.
Wait...
Colfax Point...
Pimps and hos and tricks in rows
Women walk the street with corns
on their feets
Broken dreams
and no ice creams
You lookin' for a date?
Hello? Hello?
I need to put my ...p-penis
in a woman's vagina. Any takers?
Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?
They call me Nut Gobbler.
Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid.
I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit,
and the talent show has already started.
You a cop?
No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
You got money?
Sure do.
All right, you got a place to go?
Sure. I know the p-perfect place.
Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for
the authentic experienso Italiano.
My name is Roma, and
Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer.
Hey, can it, jackass! I just don't want them
to know I was here with a different girl.
Oh right, pardone, segnore.
I'll come back with some
garlic bread mediterraneane.
What are we doin' anyway?
This is authentic Italian
food straight from S-Sicily.
You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll.
I can't eat too much, I'lve got
an infected urinary tract.
I've been pissin' blood for a week.
Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting.
Please tell me more.
Well, that's it, I just pissed blood!
So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole.
Wow. You know, I've never thought of
it that way before, but you're right.
If you're pissing blood, you can shuve
a tampon up your peehole.
You are very insightful.
Please tell me more.
Look, kid, what are you doin'?!
You wanna get laid or not?
Well of couse I wanna get laid.
That's why I'm taking you to this ...fancy place
and pretending to be interested in what you have to say..
Kid, I'm a hooker.
You don't have to take me to dinner
OR be nice to me.
What? Fo, for real?
You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple.
Well jumpin' Jesus,
what are we wasting our time here for then?
The talent show is happening right now!
Let's get to r-r-rammin'!
What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?!
You're supposed to be workin' for me!
It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!
Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick
gonna take you out to dinner!
This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me!
This is MY ho!
I beg to differ with you, sir.
I paid for her and took her out to dinner.
She's my ho!
Uh Jesus.
You got a problem, bitch?!
Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact!
I've spent all my money on this ho,
and she's now my only shot at getting laid,
and the talent show is only a couple
of hours from being over.
You're comin' home right now!
Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!
Sir, sir, that is my ho!
I'm gonna kick your ass, ho!
Sir, sir!
Son of a ...b-bitch!
Taxi!
Follow that pimp and ho!
Where are you taking me?!
I'm gonna kill you, ho!
No! Please! Q Money! I'm sorry!
You're already dead, ho!
Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her,
you are no better than a common th-thief!
Fuck you, punk!
Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch!
Get your ass back in here, ho!
I got you, Nut Gobbler!
No no nono no,
I'm not gonna be in the talent show.
Oh no no no no no.
I'll never be in your faggy talent show.
Okay, that was the Goth kids with
"Talent Shows Are For Fags"
That was killer. We showed them.
Yeah, I hope we win.
Come on, ho!
Look out!
Stay on him! I'm not giving up!
Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice.
Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song
There's our boy.
Lu lu lu, I'vw got some...
some... uh,
some uh... some,
Oh no!
No no noho noo!
Okay, thank you Butters,
very nice, short and sweet.
Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!
Get close to him!
How much do I owe you?
6 dollars and 24 cents.
C-can I just get 2 back, please?
Oh, thank you very much.
There you go.
Have a good 'n.
Thank you.
You're gonna pay for this, bitch!
No! Heelllp!!
Don't worry, Nut Gobbler!
I'm coming!
Oh Jesus, not now.
Oh boy, this is embarassing.
And now we have Eric Cartman,
who will be doing select
readings from the movie, Scarface.
D'you know what you are?
You're all a bunch of fucking cock roaches!
You need people like me!
You need people like me so you
can point your fucking finger
and say "That's the bad guy!"
Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!
That's my little boy.
Please, Q Money!
Don't do this!
I told you never to turn on me, ho!
Hey, j-j-jackass!
I'm sorry I resorted to calling
you jackass just now,
but I'm very upset!
And what are you gonna do, huh?!
I've got four feet on you AND a gun!
What do you have?!
What do I have?
The weapon of comedy.
So apparently the Chinese and
the Japanese aren't getting along lately.
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
What?!
I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't
been getting along with my stomach for years.
That's pretty good.
Martha Stewart is out of jail.
Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
Oh yeah. That's right, she is.
She's apparently gotten real good
with baking cakes with keys in them.
Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler.
I can't believe you chased me all this way.
You, you really care about me.
Not really. You're just a hooker,
and I need to get laid.
The talent show could be over any minute.
That's good enough for me.
Take me to bed.
Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you.
All right, children, it looks
like we have no more contestants,
which means, the Talent Show is over!
Mr. Mackey, it's over.
Oh oh oh, right.
Now we will tally up the judges' scores
and find out which act they hated the least.
Hold everything!
Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind,
I'll be taking that microphone..
Okay, let's put our hands
together for Jimmy Valmer.
Wow, what a terrific audience.
So apparently it's been exactly
two years since the fall of Baghdad.
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell,
Iraq fell, Saddam fell.
The only thing that didn't fall was
...the price of gas.
I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan.
Have you seen this?
Have you heard about this?
Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to-
You've gotta be kidding me.

South Park S09E06 The Death of Eric Cartman

Dude, where is she? We can't wait.
God, this is gonna be sooo yummy.
Stan, you said your mom was bringing
KFC home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?!
Hi boys.
- Mom!
- She's here!
She's got Colonel!
- I want some!
- I want a breast!
Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy?
Uuh uh uh, not so fast.
You boys can help bring in the other groceries
in the car, then have your chicken.
But Mom, we've been waiting for hours!
It won't take a minute.
Come on guys. If we all help out,
we can do it super-fast.
- All right.
- Let's go.
Oh my God, that smells good.
Okay, this is everything, mom.
All right, let's eat Colonel!
Oh boy!
Cartman, you ate the skin off of every piece of chicken!
Well, I saved you all the chicken part.
The skin's the best part...
Well, I gotta go home, guys.
I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books.
See you at the bus stop tomorrow.
I can't believe that fat asshole!
You can't believe it??
He does this shit all the time!
Well this time he's gone too far.
Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?
Hello?? I've been saying this for years!
Well it's not like we're nice to him.
I mean, we rip on him all the time!
Yes, but he thrives on that.
All right. Then let's just ignore him.
From now on, let's not talk to him,
let's not even acknowledge him.
That sounds great!
Hey fags, what's going on?
Dude, I was on the toilet all night from
that chicken. I thought I was gonna die.
Do any of you guys have
milk money I can borrow?
I think I have extra.
Oh wow, a Jew asking for money!
There's a new one.
Yuh, you guys know why Jews have glassy eyes?
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Dude, Stan, yuh you know why
Jews have glassy eyes?
Like Kyle?
K-Kenny, you see that chick on
the news that had her left titty cut off?
Kenny...?
Kenny!?
Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric!
Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents?
Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here!
Wha...?
How did...?
Like they couldn't see or hear me.
It's almost as if I were...
dead.
No.
No, I can't be dead.
I can't be dead!!
All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed
and we'll haul away the old one away for ya.
Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh,
just don't know how to thank you.
I could think of a few ways.
No!
Noooo!!!
What happened? Did they say?
Apparently there was so much chicken skin
in the system it just ruptured the insides.
Aww, that's tragic.
Oh my God, this can't be happening!
Mom? Mom's crying?
Oh God, it is true!
Oh, it's not fair!
Why???
WHY???
Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman?
Cartman isn't our friend anymor
We're ignoring him.
Ignoring him? How come?
Beause he's a fat racist self-centered
intolerant manipulating sociopath!
Oh yeah.
Hey, I hate Cartman
Can I ignore him with you?
- Yeah.
- Me too. - Yeah, screw him! Yeah.
I never realized ignoring him was an option.
Guys! Guys?
Can anybody hear me?
You guys??
Token, Token, I'm here!
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Clyde, can't you feel me?
Feel me, Clyde!
Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric!
Jimmy! Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me!
They don't even know yet,
that one of their best friends is dead.
Dead and... still wandering
the earth a lost soul.
What is that kid doing?
I don't know, just ignore him.
Lu lu lu, I've got some apples.
Lu lu lu, yuu've got some too-
What did I do to deserve this?!
How can my own God forsake me?!
Am I doomed to wander
the Earth alone for all eternity?!
Hey Eric!
...What did you say?
Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!"
Butters...
Butters! You can see me??
Well, sure I can see you.
Oh my God, and you can hear me??
Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you?
Because, Butters,
I'm... dead.
Butters!
Butters, I just want to talk to you!
You died?? How??
I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides.
But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you?
I don't know, but you're the only one who can.
Butters! Butters, Goddamnit, I need your help!
Butters, what on earth are you doing??
Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie!
I-I'm seeing dead people!
Dead people?
Who's seeing dead people?
Me! I saw a ghost!
Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts.
But I saw him!
Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now!
Butters, these things happen all the time.
You've got a very active little brain
and your mind was just playing tricks on you.
Ruh, really?
Yeess.
So...
so it was just... it was...
just my ima... magination then?
That's right.
There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real.
There's plenty of real things to be scared of.
Like super-AIDS.
Huh s-s-super-AIDS?
That's right. A new form of AIDS
which is resistant to drugs.
Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt
and you're dead in three years.
Oh Jesus.
So now you feel better?
Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of.
Except the super-AIDS.
Nuh-nothing to be scared of.
Jus, just some lightning and thunder.
Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither.
J-just a muhouse.
Butters...
Butters, you have to help me!
Go away! You aren't real!
All right, Butters, you leave me no choice.
Butters, what is going on?!
Well it's all.. Well he was...
Nothin'
I I just had a nightmare.
Well you'd better stop having nightmares
or eles you're gonna be grounded!
Y yes, yes sir.
Butters!
Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination!
I'm dead and for some reason you can see me!
But I don't want to see you!
Get a hold of yourself!
I'm the one who died!
And for some reason,
my spirit is trapped here on Earth.
I can't find the passage to Heaven.
Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven?
What do you mean?
Well... how do you know you're
not supposed to go to... you know...
Heck.
I'm not going to Heck, Butters!
I'm not black, all right?!
Now look:
I think the reason my soul is still here is because
I need closure with all my friends and loved one.
I can say my final goodbyes to them through you.
I can't.
Ahah I have school tomorrow.
This is your problem, Butters!
Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life!
Uh all right.
All right, I'll help you!
- Mrs. Cartman?
- Yes? Oh hi.
This is going to seem very strange and,
and you may not believe me,
but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something.
Oh, what is it?
Tell her, tell her that I love her.
He says, he love you.
Oh, that's so nice.
Tell her, tell her that I wish...
I wish I would have been a better son sometimes!
He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes.
It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with
the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes...
took my family for granted!
He he got caught, he got caught up in
the rat race of, of taking things for granted.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Oh, I love you too, poopiekins!
Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry
for all the times he made fun of
you being a no-good stinking Jew.
He's asking for your forgiveness.
And and he wants you to just remember the good times.
Just the good times.
There were no good times!
And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself!
I can't! Don't you understand?!
He can't! Don't you understand?!
God forgave the Jews,
you should be able to forgive me!
God forgave the Jews,
you should be able to forgive him!
All right, come on, Butters,
we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry
for rippin' on him for bein' black.
Uhh all right then.
Who was that?
It was Cartman having Butters apologize for him.
Dude, he did that to me this morning.
He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone,
we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle.
Yeah, we know better than to think that.
Okay, that takes care of Token,
Clyde, and Mr. Kitty.
That's eveyone, I guess.
All that leaves is you, Butters.
Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you.
Aww, that's okay, Eric.
Well, it's all done.
My soul is at peace.
I think... I can go now.
So I won't see you again?
Don't be sad, Butters.
Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each person
in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest,
and ten thousand dollars cash.
G'bye Butters.
I'm goin' to a better place.
Perhaps I'll see you again sometime!
Good-bye!!
Yeh you're still here.
Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on?
Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough.
What else do I have to do?!
Well, well, you know,
the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace,
sometimes, you have to atone
for something bad you did.
Atone?
Did you ever do anything really bad?
Not really...
Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's
fence and never told him about it.
Broke fence...
took a crap in the principal's purse...
seven times.
Then there was the time I convinced a woman
to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza.
I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics.
I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring.
Uuh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had killed
and then made into chili which I fed to the kid.
Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for.
Really?
Really.
I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this.
I know how.
I'm gonna make, make it right.
I'm gonna take a little time and set things right.
Make, make it right.
I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.
It feels so good to be making up
For all the things I've done wrong.
I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven
Wanted from me all along.
All along, I'm gonna make, make it right.
'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.
Not faking it, I'm making it right.
I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.
Make, make it right!
Make, make it right!
Gonna make it right, girl,
I've got to have your lovin' tonight!
Well, there's everything, Butters.
I've made everything right.
Does this mean... you have to go now?
Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace.
It's time for me to leave.
Goodbye Butters!
Thanks for all your help!
Be good and be safe. Goodbye...
Goddamnit, what?!
I've made everything right!
Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul
is stuck here for a different reason.
I want my eternal bliss!
Do you think this is funny, God?!
Do you think this is funny,..?
Eric! Calm down.
Stupid butthole God!
Butters! What have you done?!
Ih ih it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost!
Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should
ground him or call a doctor.
No, I think you'd better call a doctor.
I'll ground him.
What do you think, Doctor?
Your son is suffering from severe dementia.
He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him.
This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought
on by some tragic event in the child's past.
I think it's best that we take him
to the mental center and do some tests.
Oh no.
NO!
INSTITUTE FOR MENTAL HEALTH
All right, Butters, just try to relax.
Doin' just fine, Butters.
Just stay perfectly still now, Butters.
Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters.
Don't worry, Mr. Stotch.
Whatever traumatized yoru son in his past, we'll find it.
Well, after fourteen hours of testing,
I can say Butters is definitely suffering
from aggravated repressied memory syndrome.
You see, Butters,
when the brain wants to cover something up,
it makes up images and sounds for you to hear.
So... the ghost was in my head.
- The whole time.
- Now do you believe us, Butters?
Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you.
Good. We're making a lot of headway.
We'll do some more testing tomorrow.
All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest.
Goodnight, baby
Butters!
Don't worry, Butters,
I'm gonna get you out of here.
Please leave me alone, Eric.
My bottom is really sore.
I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look!
Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal.
She can tell us what to do!
Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head
brought on by a traumatic event.
She's gonna close soon! Come on!
Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!
Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?
Certainly. Come in.
Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek.
Well, there's this ghost, see?
Only it probably isn't a ghost,
ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma.
Well I'm supposed to heh, help him,
find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth,
even though I know that I'm most
likely just completely insane.
Well, many times, the reason that
the sould stays Earth-bound is
because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose,
to help prevent an impending tragic event.
Of course. That's it, Butters!
We had it wrong all the time!
But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy,
young man. I see ghosts all the time.
Really?
Yes. When's the last time you saw yours?
Well, he's sittin' next to me right now.
Hey, I think she could see you too.
You really are a ghost.
I told you, Butters.
This is breaking news!
A tragic event is unfolding in South Park.
Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail
and are holding twelve people at the Red Cross!
Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested
when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me,
and threatened to kill all the workers inside.
The violent men are demanding a helicopter
and two hundred thousand dollars cash.
Oh my God, this is it, Butters.
This is what I'm here to stop.
Come on, Butters.
This psychic boy and his ghost pal
are going to save the day!
Stay back, people!
Stay back?!
Hell, my wife and child are in there!
Stay calm in there.
We don't want anybody getting hurt.
You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars
or these people start dyin', man!
All right, Butters, I'm going in alone, first.
Give me thirty seconds in there,
and then you go in and free the hostiages.
Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me.
Don't worry. I have a plan.
Eric.
Well, be careful, ghost pal.
They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead.
What the hell is that kid doing?
Somebody's comin' in!
It's just some little fat kid.
What the hell is going on?
I have no idea.
Yes, it's working!
This is really weird.
An incredible development here, Tom.
Two little boys have fearlessly
gone inside the Red Cross.
Cartman?
I'm so confused!
Hurry. Go, go!
The hostages are clear!
All right, move in!
The hostages are gone!
What?!
Son of a bitch.
Tom, an incredible story of courage.
Two little boys, armed only with
the weapon of confusion,
managed to go in and save the Red Cross.
Nobody seems to know who the boys are
or where they went off to, but they are heroes.
Well, we did it, Butters.
We saved the day.
Boy, we sure did.
My spirit is at rest now.
I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest,
and ten thousand dollars cash.
Butters, I think that, through this whole thing,
we've really become friends.
Yeah. Uh I feel that way too.
We both, kind of needed each other and..
well... I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you too, ghost pal.
Goodbye Buttters.
I must be going now.
I'll be looking down on you from time to time.
Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters!
Goodbyyye!
Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did.
Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now.
We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist,
you would really change,
but you really have.
Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Yeah. S-see ya, Eric.
You sonofabitch Butters!
You told me I was a ghost!
Huh but I thought you were one!
How stupid are you?!
How stupid are you?! So help me GOD Butters,
I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to
GET YOU BACK!
Butters?!
Oh Hamburgers.