Mom, please can we just leave?
You have to see
the eye doctor Eric.
But I hate the eye doctor. He
always makes fun of me for being fat.
You're not fat,
you're big boned.
That's what I told him, but
he doesn't listen to reason.
- Eric Cartman.
- Weak.
- Hello Eric.
- Hi Dr. Lout.
- How's my little piggy today?
- Ay! Don't call me a little piggy!
I just say that because
you're my little buddy.
I'm just here for an eye exam, alright!
Keep the fat jokes to yourself.
Hop up on the chair.
Don't break it now!
- God damn it! - Just kidding!
Let's see how your eyes are doing.
All you have to do is read the letters.
Can you see the letters? - Yes.
Alright, read them out for me.
I am a little...
...piggy.
That does it! Mom!
No no. That was just a weird coincidence.
I do not know how that happened.
I am a little piggy. Wow!
What are the odds of that?
Alright, let's get down
to business, shall we?
Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom
isn't paying you to be a comedian.
Hmm, let's see, which
is better 1 or 2? 1 or 2?
They look the exactly same.
- Just pick one. Or two?
- I don't know! Two.
Okay. One or two?
One or two?
Uh, one.
One or two? One or two?
Two!
- No! The answer is one piggy!
One! - Ow! I hate you!
Yes, there is obviously a
problem with your eyes.
I am gonna have to dilate
them and run some tests.
I wonder how come
Cartman's not in school today?
Yeah, usually when he ditches
school he still shows up for lunch.
Yeah. Oh here he comes.
Hey dudes.
Whoa, what happened
to your eyes, Cartman?
- My asshole eye doctor made
them all dial-vated. - Why?
Why?! I'll tell you why! Because he's a
goddam asshole, and that's about it.
Why do you have
to see an eye doctor?
Because my eyes suck. But that
doctor likes to torture me
and I have to go back tomorrow,
and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Dude! Just ask Chef for help.
He always knows what to do.
- Hey Chef!
- Hello there children.
Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up.
Chef looks like a skinny little white guy.
- It's time for lunch-e-roo.
- Where's Chef?
- Chef quit.
- What?!
Chef is gone.
So let my introduce myself.
I'm your new cook, Mr. Dirp.
Mr. Dirp?
When I'm in the kitchen, you never know
what nutty things are gonna happen.
If you like Chef,
you're gonna love Mr. Dirp.
Oooh! Dirp!
Dirp! Oh wasn't that silly kids?
- Why did Chef quit?
- Aren't I a great character?
My antics go right
to the funny bone.
Oh, I don't feel so good. Dirp!
Could you just hand
us some food please?
Sure gang! I have yellow
stuff or white stuff. Dirp!
Can I have yellow
with a side of white?
Dude! I hate Mr. Dirp!
Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after
school and get him to come back.
I don't know you guys, that
hammer thing was pretty funny.
Shut up, Cartman!
Oh! Hello there children.
Chef, what the hell are you doing? We
almost starved to death at lunch today.
Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.
- Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
- Well, it's true.
But why? Why would you quit?
Children, three nights ago I was at
the library checking out some books
on kama sutra when I met
the most amazing woman ever.
She knew so much about so many
things. She really got me thinking.
We eventually came back to
my place and really hit it off.
So you made sweet love
to her down by the fire?
No no, we just sat there all
night long and talked.
Talked?!
Yes. She told me all about
the powers of goddess.
and how men have been oppressing women
for years and viewing them as sexual objects,
and I realized that I
had done that myself.
Oh! What darling little children.
Here she is now. Children,
meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's
got this eye doctor, see... Girlfriend?!
- Children, Veronica is moving
in with me. - Moving in?!
- I'm in love.
- Love?!
Oh, you knight.
What the hell is going on?
Veronica spent the whole day
sharing her favorite poems with me.
Sorry boys, looks like I'm
stealing Chef away from you.
But Chef always helps
us with our problems.
When we have a problem, Chef
sings to us and makes it better.
Well, I could still
do that, children.
In fact, Veronica could help me.
She's a great singer too.
What's the problem?
My eyes are going bad, but the only eye
doctor in South Park is really really mean.
Oh, I know just the song for you.
There's got to be a morning after,
if we can hold on to the night.
We have a chance
to find the sunshine.
Let's keep on looking for the light.
This... is insane!
- That bitch!
- She's stealing Chef from us!
He didn't even seem like Chef. He
seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Maybe it's just a phase.
We just have to get him alone so
we can tell him what a bitch she is.
Wait you guys.
Maybe, is it possible
that we're just jealous,
because Chef is our friend, and now
he's paying attention to somebody new.
Yeah, so?
- Yeah, screw that bitch!
- Bitch! I hate that bitch!
Look, we just gotta get Chef alone.
He won't listen to reason
with that hooker around.
- Let's find out where he's working and
go see him there tomorrow. - Good idea.
Alright, we got the
test results back piggy.
Stop calling me piggy!
You've got a small stigmatism
that's causing all the problems.
So what does that mean?
It means piggy, that your eye
sight is never going to get better.
Alright. Right now, I'm
gonna be totally seriously, okay.
If you call me piggy
one more time,
I'm gonna leap of this chair and rip your
goddam nuts off with my bare hands!
Well, don't worry, I've got something that's
gonna make your eyes as good as new.
Oh, dude! Super weak!
I'm not wearing these, the
guys would totally rip on me.
I know, the hardest thing to do
is get kids to wear their glasses.
I'm just gonna take them
off as soon as I leave!
That's why we
have the little stapler.
Ow! Sonofabitch!
They said that Chef works
in one of these buildings.
Hey dudes.
Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman
and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
- Dude! Just take them off!
- I can't! They're stapled to my head!
I hate you guys.
Hello and welcome to Steinburg
& Burgstein, can I help you?
We wanna talk to Chef.
- Chef? - He's a big guy with a beard!
- And a chef hat. - And a real huge dick.
Oh! The black guy!
Third cubicle on the left.
Hey! Aren't you that cute
little kid from Jerry Maguire?
- Yeah, sure, sure.
- Wow! You really got fat.
- Hello there children.
- Hey Chef.
Eric, you got glasses?
Chef, you have to dump the bitch.
We need you, Chef.
Hey Chef, we're gonna run down to
the office supply store and get some
leather holders for our pagers,
you wanna come? - You bet!
Chef, this place isn't you!
Children, Veronica showed me that
I've been living a very empty life.
Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or thirty
years, but after that, it starts to get old.
- But we don't like her!
- Why not?!
I don't know.
No reason I guess...
Children, friends get
girlfriends all the time..
It's something even you would have
to face with each other some day.
No way, dude!
Please, Chef! I don't know what
to do about my stupid glasses?
That's easy! Get some laser
corrective surgery, that's what I did.
Hey! Laser corrective
surgery! Thanks Chef!
You see?
Everything's gonna be fine.
Now how about I meet you boys
after work and we can play ball?
Chef should be here any minute.
- Dude! He bailed on us!
- I can't believe it!
Come on!
We're going to his house!
Hello there children.
Alright, mister!
You better have a good explanation
why you didn't show up to play ball!
- Oh children, I'm sorry. I forgot.
- You forgot?!
Veronica surprised me at the
office and took me out to dinner.
She's so amazing.
Well, we got something to
tell you about Veronica, Chef!
Hello children!
Mam, we're having a dude
moment here, if you don't mind.
Children, I've got some
great news for you.
Veronica and I
are getting married.
My whole family's coming here for the
wedding, and I want you boys to come too.
This is so
wonderful! Let's sing!
There's got to be a morning after,
If we can hold on to the night.
We have a chance
to find the sunshine.
And that children, is what you need
to know about the facts of life.
So let's review. Tootie
left in the fourth season,
but Blair and Jo stayed
on and got husbands,
leaving the fifth and sixth
seasons hideously stagnant.
Okay children, that's lunch.
See you in thirty minutes.
- Mr. Garrison, can we
talk to you? Sure.
Normally we go to Chef with our
problems, but we can't this time.
Well children,
I am your teacher.
I think you'll find that my advice just
as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
Alright. Mr. Garrison, have you ever
had a friend, who had a new girlfriend,
and then stopped being your
friend, and it pissed you off?
Oh, the old Succubus syndrome.
What's a Succubus?
A Succubus is a woman sent from
Hell to suck the life out of a man.
- That's it!
- Yeah!
Yeah, there's not much you
can do about a Succubus.
Their evil power makes
man blind to love.
- This is totally what's happening!
- Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!
Yeah, I tell you boys, women
can kill, poontang's expensive.
That's why when it comes to chicks,
I just screw them and leave them.
I'd say "get out of my bedroom,
poontang, before you suck my life dry!"
- Thank's Mr. Garrison.
- Sure kids.
- You're not fooling anyone.
- Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!
Come on guys! We gotta go tell
Chef he's in love with a Succubus.
Yeah! He's gonna be so
thankful we told him.
There you are Eric! Come on, we have
to go to the eye doctor. - Oh no!
Come on. Do you want your
laser corrective surgery or not?
- Yes, but can't we wait
until tomorrow? - Now hon.
But mom! I have to tell Chef
that he's marrying a Succubus!
- Hello there children.
- Who are you?
I'm Chef's father. We
just flew in for the wedding.
Oh hi. Is Chef here?
We have to talk to him.
Well, come on in.
- There he is.
- Chef, we have to talk to you.
Not now, children! I gotta get
fitted for my britches. Be right back.
Well, aren't you crackers
just cute as a dickens?
- You're Chef's parents?
- Yes, all his life.
- We have to talk to him.
- Well he should be out now directly.
Oh he's so excited
about the wedding now.
Say, would you crackers like to hear about
the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
No, that's okay.
Ooh! It must've been about
seven, eight years ago.
Me and the little lady was out on this
boat you see, all alone at night,
when all of a sudden
this huge creature,
this giant crustacean from the
paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
We was so scared, Lord have mercy,
I jumped up in the boat and I said:
"Thomas, what on
earth is that creature?!"
It stood above us looking
down with these big red eyes...
Oh it was so scary!
And I yelled, I said "What do
you want from us monster?!"
And the monster
bent down and said:
"I need about treefiddy"
What's treefiddy?
- Three dollars and fifty cents
- Treefiddy.
- He wanted money?
- That's right.
I said "I ain't giving you no treefiddy
you goddam Loch Ness monster!
Get your own goddam money!"
- I gave him a dollar
- She gave him a dollar.
I thought he'd go away
if I gave him a dollar.
Well of course he's not
gonna go away, Nelly!
You gave him a dollar, he's
gonna assume you got more.
Okay, let's get started. You're
here for the liposuction, right?
Hey! You sonofabitch!
Alright. Time to laser
me a little piggy.
Ay! You sonofabitch! I'm
gonna kick you square in the...
I bet his mom wishes
she could do that.
And that was the third time
we saw the Loch Ness monster.
- Then one time, I believe it was
July... - August.
There's a knock on the door. I open
it, and there's this cute little girl scout.
And she was so adorable
with the little pig tails and all.
And she says to me: "how would
you like to buy some cookies?"
And I said: "Well, what kind
do you have?"
She had thin mints,
graham crunchy things...
Raisin oatmeal.
Raisin oatmeal, and I said:
"We'll take a graham crunch.
How much will that be?" And she looks at
me and she says: "I need about treefiddy".
Treefiddy.
Well it was about that time that I
notice that girl scout was about
eight stories tall and was a
crustacean from the palezoic era.
The Loch Ness monster.
I said: "Dammit monster! Get off my
lawn! I ain't giving you no treefiddy!"
It said: "how about just toofiddy?"
- I said: "Oh now it's only toofiddy?!
What is there a sale on Loch
Ness munchies or something?!"
- Now he was angry.
- Damn right I was angry!
Not you, the monster. He
was about to kick your ass.
Shut your mouth, woman!
Uh, could you just tell
Chef we were here.
Sure. That crazy old monster.
Now, then the
fourth time I saw the...
Cartman, what the
hell are you doing?
That asshole eye doctor
screwed up my laser surgery.
I have to wear these
bandages for three days.
Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
- Oh thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw.
What happened with Chef?
Did you tell him she's a Succubus?
Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so
evil she had him totally kept away from us.
- Eric, you have a little visitor.
Is that alright? - Okay.
Hello boys. I heard Eric had laser
surgery, so I made him a pie.
Ahh! It's a Succubus!
- We know what you are, lady!
- Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty Succubus!
- A what? - A demon from Hell
sent to suck the life out of men.
Boys! You know how silly
that sounds, don't you?
Well you are
taking Chef from us.
oys, come here. I want
to explain this to you.
I know Chef is your friend,
but Chef is a grown man.
He has needs you
boys can't fulfil.
He wants a life with me
because I make him happy.
Do you understand?
- I guess.
- Good.
Oh and boys.
Just one more thing.
I'm going to marry
Chef tomorrow.
And there's not a goddam
thing you can do about it!
Toodle-oo!
- Jesus dude!
- What? What happened?
Could I have your
attention please!
Tomorrow, my son is gonna get
married to a beautiful lady.
I'm very happy for them both.
Ooh there I go! I told myself
I wasn't gonna cry, now.
It's okay pop.
Thomas, you're gonna
get me going now.
I remember when Chef was just
a three-year-old little man.
He came running up to me with a
big smile and his little chef's hat on,
and he said "poppa, poppa!"
I said: "What do you need,
Chef, my boy?", and he said:
"I need about treefiddy".
Treefiddy.
It was about that
time I got suspicious.
I said: "Chef, why
do you need treefiddy?"
He said: "My imaginary friend
GooGoo the dinosaur wants it"
I went to my son's room, and sure enough,
there was the Loch Ness monster.
Oh, it was scary!
I said: "Dammit monster! You stop
bugging my children now!"
"We work for our money in this
house and we don't give money away!"
Excuse me!
We're sorry to interrupt,
but we've got bad news.
This is not a woman!
It is a Succubus!
Yeah! She's evil and wants to
suck Chef's life out of him.
Children! That hurt my feelings.
Oh, you can pretend all you want!
You're not fooling anybody!
Alright guys! That's enough!
I have had it with you!
This is a happy time of my life,
and you can't be happy for me...
Chef...
No buts Stan! I love this
woman, and I am marrying her!
Now you can either accept
that, or get out of my life!
Now if you'll excuse us,
we having a party.
So I chased the monster
down the street you see...
I guess there's nothing we can do.
Chef likes her more than us.
No! I'm not willing to give up!
Chef wouldn't give up on us!
There's tons of stuff on Succubuses,
but nothing on how to stop them.
You guys, it's six in the morning,
I have to get some sleep.
Dude! Chef's wedding
is in three hours.
We've got that much time to find
out how to destroy a Succubus.
You know what?! Screw Chef!
There, I said it! Screw him!
Let him marry Succubus!
I wanna go to sleep.
Here! Here! Look at this! It says:
"The Succubus enchants
it's victim with an eerie melody.
This is the Succubi power.
Only playing this melody backwards
can vanquish the Succubus power".
- What the hell does that mean?
- I don't know.
Right.
Hey yeah! What's that
song she always sings?
There's got to be a morning after,
If we can hold on to the night.
We've got to find our way together.
- That's it! We gotta learn that
song backwards. - In three hours.
Ah man! I can't
keep my eyes open.
We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that
song. You got the tape recorder, Cartman?
- He's asleep! Wake up fatass!
- What what what?
Goddam it! You can't fall asleep! - I wasn't
sleeping, I was just thinking really hard.
And then these aliens had me up on their
ship, right. They was probing me and all that.
We had taco salad that night.
Don't matter what we
had for dinner woman!
Now this alien had a big head and big
black eyes, and it was all bent over me.
I said "What do you want from me
alien?!" and do you know what he said?
- Treefiddy. - Let me
tell the damn story now!
He said: "treefiddy". And so I
realized I that it wasn't no alien,
it was that goddam Loch Ness monster again
trying to trick me into giving him treefiddy
by dressing up like an alien.
Don't that just beat all?!
I just given him treefiddy
the week before.
What?! You gave that monster another
damn treefiddy?! - He tricked me.
Well no wonder the damn monster
keeps coming back to our house!
You keep giving it treefiddy!
There she is!
- Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
- Dirty bitch!
Alright, Kyle and I are gonna
take out positions up front.
Do you Chef take this woman
as your lawful wedded wife,
- to have and to...
- I do!
Oh! My baby's getting married!
And do you Veronica take
Chef to be your daddy?
I do!
And now a special sharing
of vows through song.
Here it goes.
There's got to be
a morning after...
Now Cartman!
Now Cartman!
- Children! You are screwing up my
wedding! - I'll take care of them!
Cartman! Wake up
you fat piece of crap!
What the?!
Oh no! The tape jammed!
She's a goddam Succubus!
Succubus trying to take my baby!
- Come on Cartman!
- I can't see anything!
- Oh my God! She killed Kenny!
- You bastard!
You damn monster!
Get away from my baby!
Hold on! I'll see
if I have treefiddy.
I got it!
Huh, wow! You don't
see that every day!
We're sorry Chef,
we had to do it!
No, I'm glad you did children.
Now that she's gone, I can't really
figure out what I ever saw in her.
Poontangs, poontang!
Come on children, let's
go get some ice cream.
What? What happened
you guys? Is Kenny okay?
- Hello there children!
- Hey Chef!
How would you like some
fish sticks and tater tots?
- We'd love them!
- It's great to have you back Chef!
Yeah, well, I learned a very
important lesson this week.
Sometimes you fall in love and
you think it feels that way forever.
You change your life and didn't know your
friends cause you think it can't get any better.
But then love goes away no matter
what it doesn't stay as strong.
And then you're left with nothing
cause your tinking with your dong.
So watch out for that love boat.
It can destroy like a typhoon wind.
Just play it cool and
don't be a fool...
And never let poontang come
between you and your friend.
Damn, that Garrison.
Oh hello piggy! How
are your eyes doing?
After today they're gonna be fine and
I'm never have to see you ever again.
I don't think that's possible
piggy, not with your eyes.
No, not with my eyes.
With these!
- Was he an organ donor?
- Ee-sure
Alright, then let's get to work.
Say, you don't have two
dollars and fifty cent on you?
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