South Park S03E09 Jewbilee

Hold still, Ike! We have
to get you dressed!
- Where the heck is Kyle?!
- I don't know!
Come on, Kyle! You're gonna
be late for Jew Scouts!
- Kyle.
- I'm comming, Ma!
Go get the door, Kyle!
"Get ready! Answer the door!" Jesus
Christ! Make up your friggin mind!
Oh! Hey, Kenny! - How's it going?!
Wanna go watch a meteor shower?!
I can't watch a meteor shower with
you, Kenny! I have to go to Jewbilee!
What's that?!
- It's what we do in Jew Scouts!
Usually, we just sit around and
make stuff, but tonight,
because there's a meteor shower, we're
gonna do some big thing out in the woods!
It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure!
- Hey! That's easy!
Hey! Maybe you can go with me!
Then it won't suck so hard! - Really?!
Mom! Can Kenny go
to Jewbilee with me?
Well Kyle, Jewbilee is sort
of a ssspecial thing!
Oh! Kenny isn't special?
No, no! You're very special,
Kenny! It's just that...
Well... Jewbilee
is for Jewish kids!
You see, boys! Jew Scouts
is a special group
that borrows a little bit from all
different Jewish denominations!
From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hesidic
Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews,
but you have to believe the basic
tenants of Judaism to be a scout!
Kenny will believe whatever
you want him to! - Yeah!
Kyle! Eh-the problem is...
Please, Ma! I don't think Kenny
has anywhere else to be tonight!
Oh, alright! Just don't let any of the
elders know that he isn't Jewish! Okay?
Come on, Ike! It's
time to go to Squirts!
You have to be in Squirts if you're
too young to be a Jew Scout!
Don't worry, Kenny! I'll fill you in
on our faith on the way up there!
And then, Kenny, Abraham's
wife bore him no children.
She had a handmaid Egyptian
who's name was Hagar!
And Sari said unto Abraham, "Behold, now!
The lord hath restrained be from bearing!
I pray thee!
Go into my maid!".
Abraham begot Isaac,
whom the lord then said to kill!
But, that was just a little silly trick
to see if Abraham would do it!
No, Ike! Ma! Ike keeps taking
off his Squirt's uniform!
Ike, you behave!
I don't think Ike
wants to go to Squirts!
Ike, your brother Kyle
was in Squirts and so was I!
You have to go so someday you
can be a big brave Jew Scout!
Tell Ike how much
fun Squirts is, Kyle!
- What, you want me to lie?!
- Yeah! Lie!
Oh! Ike, Squirts is so much fun!
Oh, my God! What is that?!
Hey! It's a bear!
- Wow! Cool! - This retreat
really is out of the way! Isn't it!?
Welcome to Jewbilee!
You folks find it okay?!
Yeah! Actually, we saw
a bear a few miles back!
- He was huge! - Yeah! We
spotted him a few days ago!
Nothing to worry about though!
Your boys are safe with us!
I'm sure they are!
We'll be back to pick you up after
the meteor shower party, boys!
Goodbye, boys! Kyle and Ike,
you be safe! And Kenny...
Try and act Jewish!
- How do I act Jewish?!
C'mon, Squirt! We're
meeting over here!
Who are you?!
I'm the Squirt Leader! I don't
want to be the Squirt Leader,
but I don't have a choice! It's the only
way I can earn my Hudhpa badge!
I gotta spend all night
instructing Squirts!
You have to go with him, Ike!
Don't worry, Ike! Squirts is fun, and I'll
be right over there in the next building!
Come on!
- Name!
- Kyle Broflovski.
Kenny MacHeimerberg.
Alright! Get to Mashugana Hall!
The meeting is already starting!
What's this?! - This is
where the elders meet!
Nobody's allowed to go in there
when they're having a meeting!
I want to welcome you to all! Though we
each come from a different sect of Judaism,
on this night of Jewbilee,
we all pray to Moses as one!
Now, let us introduce ourselves!
Elder Karn from the
Orthodox synagogue.
Elder Harris from the Hesidic sect.
Elder Garth from the
synagogue of Anti-Semites.
I don't believe I've heard of the
Anti-Semetic sect of Judaism before!
We're new!
Okay, Squirts! The elders have given
us a very important task tonight!
We're all going to make
macaroini pictures like this one!
Using dry macaroni,
paper, and glue!
How come we have to
make macaroni pictures?!
Because that's what Squirts
do! Now, shut your pie hole!
- What's your name?
- No!
How come your head is
looking so... funny-looking?
And that's how we'll be
making tonight's craft!
And so you see, Scouts,
all you need is a bar of soap
and a dull knife! And you can make
nifty soap sculptures like these!
Here's a girraff!
And here's a cloud!
You can all pick up your
bars of soap later on
as we will all be making
soap sculptures tonight!
Now, this year we are pleased
to anounce that Jewbilee
has grown to over one hundred Jew
Scouts from all around the country!
All new inductees raise your hands!
That's you, Kenny!
Raise your hand!
And what is your
name, young man?
Junichi!
Oh! Wonderful!
Could you run out and grab some,
some of those candles for us?
There we go!
Now, I would like all the new
inductees to step forward please!
This part kinda sucks, Kenny!
But, don't screw it up!
Raise your left hand
and repeat after me.
I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
My honor wide and true.
I am proud to be a Jew scout.
Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Okay, Squirts! Let's see what you
made macaroni pictures of!
Ishmael?
- Apple!
- Good!
- Mathew!
- Cat!
- Joseph!
- Triangle!
- Okay! Ike!
- Kokershang!
You don't make a macaroni picture of
the last supper at a Jewish camp!
What the cheese?!
Oh, my God! It's that bear
they've been talking about!
Where'd he go?!
Squirts! Go grab your gear!
We're gonna go hunt us a bear!
Then I'll get my
Hudhpa badge for sure!
Oh, enough already! What
has Moses ever done for us?!
All sects of Judaism
follow the words of Moses!
Not mine! Tonights meteor shower
is the sign of the new time!
We should use it to pray to Haymen
and enter into a new millenium phase!
Enough, elder! You will not speak
the name of Haymen here!
All you ever do is worship Moses,
but it says in the book of Centuries that
Haymen will one day lead the Jews!
We pray to Moses here, Elder!
If you guys love Moses so much,
why don't you marry him?!
We accept all denominations of
Judaism here at Scouts, Elder.
But your synagogue of
Anti-Semites is too strange!
Get out and do not return! You
are no longer welcome here!
Fine!
Jewbilee is the time of Haymen! You will
all see how wrong you are very soon
when Haymen returns from the
ninth tower of devolutionment
and smokes Moses and all his followers
into pillards of dust of dust that would cry
for their petty lives but can't having
recently been turned into dust and all!
You will see! You will
see this very night!
C'mon, Kenny! You have
to get in a circle!
What the heck are we doing?!
- This is where we all stand in a cirle
and pray to Moses for
guidance during Jewbilee.
That's fuckin' stupid!
- It is not stupid, Kenny!
This is my faith and you
shouldn't make fun of it!
Alright, Jew Scouts! The meteor
shower will start soon!
Let's pray to
Moses for guidance.
Moses, great leader,
on this blessed night of Jewbilee,
we ask for your tutalige.
May the teachings of Moses
fill our ears and our
hearts respectively.
Stupid assholes! Moses ain't
gonna teach them anything!
Do not fear, Haymen!
This night shall be yours!
And the Anti-Semetic Jews
will once again rule the earth!
We are Squirts! We are Squirts!
We're so kosher that it hurts!
When we get older, we'll be Scouts,
but until then, we are Squirts!
There he is, Squirts!
Okay, Squirts! Remember the
plan! Imobilize and attack!
Mathew! You imobilize
the bear with the net,
and echo team, run up and
attack it with your squirt knives!
Don't get too close, now!
Just close enough to throw
the net on the stupid bear!
No!
Oh, Frank!
God!
Oh, the bear took a squirt!
Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
What's happening!
- Shut up, Kenny!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!
- That's Moses, stupid!
Great Moses, we your most loyal followers
want to thank you a lot for coming.
The hour of Jewbilee is near!
Let all debts be forgiven
and all slaves free!
Alright, Scouts! Let's all show
Moses our soap sculptures
so that he may
rejoice and be pleased!
It's a duck!
...and it was fortold that the spirit
of Moses would finally rest when
his spirit was imprisoned by Haymen
in a cockshell of blind faith.
Cockshell! Like this one! Neat!
Moses, the Squirts have made
you tidings of macaroni pictures.
They should be here any second.
Where the hell are the Squirts! We need
those macaroni pictures for moses right now!
Now, we'll just see how
Mr. Bear loves rat poison.
That ought to be enought
to kill a super bear.
Okay! Raise the tray!
Hudhpa badge, here I come!
Okay! Here he comes!
Easy, now! Easy, Squirts!
Okay, Squirt! Lower the tray!
That's it! That it, you
goddam stupid bear fraidy!
Jesus! Holy God!
Another Squirt!
You think you can stop me from getting
my Hudhpa badge, you stupid bear?!
Think again!
Great and honorable Moses, what do
you desire from us, your children?
I desire...
I desire macaroni pictures.
Y'yes, yes! The macaroni
pictures are coming right away.
Uh, anything else you want from
us, o great leader of the people?
I desire popcorn necklaces.
You heard him! Get to making
popcorn necklaces right away!
All you need is some popcorn
and a needle and thread.
Hold!
There is an an impurity.
Oh, no! He's on to me, Haymen!
An impurity, Moses?
This child bears not Persia.
What the hell are we gonna do!
- Don't worry! I know what to do!
Scout Broflovski, have
you defiled Jew Scouts
by bringing a Non-Hebrew
to Jewbilee?!
Elder, It's not my fault! He told
me he was Jewish! - What?!
A Non-Jew has impultrated Jew Scouts
and looked upon the face of Moses.
He must be dealt with. - I tried to tell
him I wasn't Hebrew just before we left!
You are banished from here.
You must leave before the great
eating of carrot cake. - What?!
He doesn't get cake?!
No cake for the impurity!
Go now! You do not belong here!
Elder! What are you doing?!
He's reading from
the book of Haymen!
Into the cockshell, Moses!
Help!
And there you shall stay!
Trapped for all eternity!
Elder, what have you done?!
I told you! The meteor
shower's the time of Haymen!
I am running Jewbilee now!
- Release Moses now!
- I don't think so!
When do we get
to eat carrot cake?
Now, all of you into that building
or I'll shoot you where you stand!
- Elder, you cannot mean...
- Move!
Now! Now, Haymen!
Your time has come!
Dude! What the
hell is going on?!
If he summonds Haymen,
we will all be destroyed!
We know Jewish shtick, shtick, shmaler
shmaler, shtick, shtick, shmaler, shmaler!
Hold it, Squirts! This is
where we'll set our trap!
Everyone remember their squadron! Alpha
5 and Gamma 7 will be on recon team!
Alpha will take left plank and flush
the bear out of sector 3!
Once we're in position, I want costant
contact between all squad leaders!
We'll flush him out and
then we'll attack him!
Remember, this is only a bear! All
we have to do is stick together
and we can spend the rest of the
night making bear sandwiches!
Where's Ikmael?!
Gosh dammers! You stupid
goddam son of a bear!
You've taken your last
Squirt! You hear me?!
"And the ancient one looked upon
Hayman as the new leader of the people".
"And it was the night that
stars flew around the sky".
If he summonds Hayman, it will be
the end of everything we hold dear!
I wanna go home!
That bear thinks he can outsmart me! Well,
I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get a...
Heh! Hold! Look over there!
It's one of the Squirts the
bear took! Maybe he's okay!
IT'S A TRAP!
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Okay, bear! That does it!
You wanna kill all the squirts?!
You can have them! I give up!
I don't need my
Hudhpa badge,
or Jew Scouts, or any
of this crap! Forget it!
Let the new tide turn! Let
Haymen rule his people once again!
We await your return, Hayman!
You passage is safe from enimies.
It's hopeless! - Hayman will be summoned
and we will be forced to obey him or die!
- I-I'm fine with obeying!
- Yeah, obeying should work out swell!
Don't worry, you guys! He forgot
about Kenny! Kenny will help us!
- How?!
- Kenny will find a way!
Hey! Welcome to the party!
See this little bear cub?
It's his birthday!
Yeah! So his mommy brought
us all over to play with him!
Uh, oh!
What's the deal?! You know all about this
Haymen at your age?! You're so young!
C'mon, Squirts! We
have to help them!
Elder Squard! I lost the
Squirts! I lost all the Squirts!
Well screw you! I don't need
your Hudhpa badge anyway!
Frodo! Get us out of here!
What the cheese!? What
are you guys doing in there?!
Get the keys and unlock the door!
- What?! - Get the
keys and unlock the door!
I lost the Squirts!
- Look out!
- Huh?!
- Don't move! - Oh,
Jiminy Gravy! What's this?!
It's the summoning of Haymen, fool!
The wakening of a new kingdom!
You can't wake Haymen!
What would Moses say?!
Moses is trapped for all eternity
in the cock of blind faith!
Oh no, you don't!
Enough of this waste of time!
"Haymen! The great
summoning is done".
"Upon these words, let
your spirit come. Inek! Foas".
Is it lost?!
Hey! Give that back!
It's the Squirts!
Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys
are up there! - They'll never reach!
Squirts! Fall in!
Chinese formation!
Gimmie that book!
Haymen will deal with you!
Oh, no! It's too late!
- What is that?!
- It is Haymen!
Free! Free to punish
those that imprisoned me!
Haymen! It's me,
Garth! I freed you!
Okay, fine! I'll hit
it with my head!
Kenny! Noooo!
Moses! Noooooo!
Moses! Uh, I... I apoligize
for any inconvenience!
You see, I was just, uh...
Die!
That blow to his head
must have killed him!
He saved us!
He saved all the Jews!
Y'know, I think we
all learned something today!
It's fine to have your own
beliefs and your own traditions,
but as soon as you start
excluding people from your ways,
only because of their race,
you become separatist!
And being a separatist sucks ass!
We've learned a lot from you
and your great friend Kenny!
Every year, we shall gather
here, this speacial place,
nd bring Kenny tidings of soap
sculptures and macaroni pictures.
And those little
shaker things where
you put beans inside of paper
plates that are glued together.
Paper plate bean shakers!
And let us put patterns of glue on
the outside of those paper plates
so we can then pour glitter on
them so they look nice and sparkly.
You heard him, Scouts!
Let's get to work!