South Park S02E10 Chickenpox

- It's a good thing we got her to the
hospital in time. - What's wrong with her?
It's chickenpox. There seems to
be a small epidemic going around.
Your daughter never had the
chickenpox as a little girl I take it?
No, no, she's been
perfectly healthy.
Well that's the problem. See chickenpox is
pretty normal thing with young children.
As you get older it becomes a more
and more ferocious disease.
- Shelley, looks who's come to visit you?
Your little brother Stan. - Oh whoopee!
You know, most people don't realize
chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.
- Dude, you got herpes on your face!
- Shut up, brat!
- Will my daughter be ok?
- She'll be fine.
- Stop it! - We just want to be
cautious and monitor her here.
Come on Stanley, give your sister
a kiss, and then we have to go.
And then the doctor said that it's
much worse as you get older.
My daughter is in pretty
bad shape now,
but if she were in her 20s,
she could die!
My god, I never knew the chickenpox
was such a dangerous illness!
I guess it's much better to
get it when you're young.
So tell me if I'm crazy but I started
thinking that we should intentionally
have our boys play with a child
who has the chickenpox.
Let them get it now
while they're young.
That's not crazy at all Sharon.
Mothers do it all the time.
Ooh yes, when I was a child my mother
had me go over to a little girl's house
who had the chickenpox, just so I would get
it. - So it's not such a crazy idea after all.
No no no! And I'm pretty sure that strange
little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.
-Are you guys having
a meeting or something?
How would you boys like to have a slumber
party at your little friend Kenny's House tonight?
No way dude, Kenny's family is
poor. They live in the ghetto!
Yeah, let's just have
a slumber party here.
- Boys, you're going to sleep over at
Kenny's and that's final. - Oh weak!
I wonder why our moms wanted us
to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.
Yeah, it's pretty weird.
All I can say is they
better have Nintendo.
- Well here's Kenny's house.
- In the ghetto...
on the cold and grey Chicago morning,
my little favorite child is born in the ghetto...
We're here to have a
slumber party with Kenny.
What? Don't you know
Kenny's sick with...
That's the whole point, remember? Their moms
want them to catch it while they're young.
- Catch what? - Nothing... come on in.
I was just making dinner.
...and his mama cries...
cause if it's... another bit of hunger for my
two feet in the ghetto... in the ghetto...
- Cartman!
- What?
Kenny! Your little friends are
here! Come play with them!
But mom, I'm fucking sick!
- I know you're sick, now get your
buns out here! - Heh heh heh... buns.
Hey you guys,
what's going on?
Whoa dude! You got
herpes on your face, too!
- Where is the Ninendo?
- We don't have a Nintendo.
We got a calico-vision plugged
into the black and white TV.
Oh my god. This is like a
third world country.
Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room
and then go grab some dinner.
Oh good, I'm starving.
Let's say grace.
Lord... we thank you for this
staggering payload of frozen waffles
that you have bestowed upon us.
And since we have been faithful to you,
we know that you will send us some
good fortune one of these days,
even though you sure as hell seem to
be taking your sweet time. Amen.
Ok, let's dig in.
That one's mine!
That one's mine!
What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying
this evening with our frozen waffles?
Am I to understand there
will be no side dishes?
So Kyle, your dad still bringing home
those big fat lawyer paychecks?
- I don't know.
- Stewart, don't even get started.
What, I'm just asking a question.
You know your dad and I used to be
best friends when we were teenagers.
We even worked
together at Pizza Shack.
But he got promoted, went off to community
college, and I didn't. And you know why?
- Cause your dad's Jewish!
- Heh. I heard that.
That ain't why Stewart! It's because
you're an alcoholic retard,
and he had dreams of not eating frozen
waffles for dinner every night!!
Hey, is it my fault you don't
know how to cook?
What am I supposed to do with
frozen waffles clamhead?
You put em in the toaster,
you cook em!
You just don't know how to
use spices and stuff.
My waffle's done,
my waffle's done!
Now Kevin, we ain't go enough for everybody.
You have to split that with your brother.
Oh geezes, are you
fucking killing me?
Hey! We don't say fuck at the
table you little asshole!
Yeah, we apparently don't
say sidedishes either.
Kenny honey, if you're gonna
sneeze, sneeze on them.
Man your family sucks ass Kenny. Whoever
heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Come on, let's just get in our sleeping
bags and get this night overwith.
- Cartman, what the hell is that?
- It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it kewl?
- No, it's not cool!
- Dude, I think I just saw a rat.
Ah! You have rats in
your house too, Kenny?
Dude seriously, you better stop being so poor
or else I'm gonna start hocking rocks at ya.
I don't think it's very healthy
to sleep with rats.
I don't think we have rats since
we put the fucking celing in.
Ok let me see.
- Oh goody you've got a fever!
- Goody? What do you mean goody?
- Yep, it looks like you've got
chickenpox alright. - Chickenpox?
- Oh no I must've caught it from Kenny
last night. - Oh gee, I guess you did.
- Well, you sure seem happy about it.
- Alright, it's off to bed with you young man.
- Don't scratch it, hon. - But mom
seriously it itches, I can't stand it!!
- No, hon.
- Mom, seriously!!!
- I got you some calamine lotion.
- I don't wanna.
It'll make your itches go away.
Ay give me that!
Not too much hon. It says on the bottle
that too much can be bad.
More calamine lotion!
I don't understand it,
he's perfectly healthy.
- Yeah, I feel great. -Are you sure
you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Yeah dude. I told you we had
bread sandwiches for breakfast.
- Did you sleep in the same room?
- Yes, why?
Bobie, how would you like to spend the
night at your friend Kenny's house again?
No way dude, it sucked ass.
They didn't even have cable.
Well I think you need to spend
more time with your friends.
Kenny's not really my friend ma.
I don't give a rat's ass about him.
I'm gonna give
Mrs. McCormick a call.
Hey dad, is it true that you and Kenny's dad
used to be best friends when you were young?
Who Stewart? Yeah
yeah, I guess we were.
Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen
waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor,
while we have a big house
and lots of food?
Well because Kenny's family doesn't
have as much money as we do.
But why? If they're hungry and poor, why
don't we just give them half of our food?
Boy have you got a lot to
learn. Sit down son.
You see Kyle, we humans
work as a society.
In order for a society to thrive
we need gods and clods.
- Gods and clods? - Yes, you see I spen
a lot of time going to law school
and I was able to go because I have
a slightly higher intelect than others.
But I still need people to pump my
gas, and make my french fries,
and fix my laundry machine
when it breaks down.
- Ooh I see. Gods and clods.
- That's right,
so Kenny's family is happy just the way they
are. And we're all a functioning part of America.
Stanley, can I get you anything else?
Stanley? Oh my god.
Randy! Randy,
hurry he's burning up!
- Don't you worry Stanley, you're going
to be ok. - Can I talk to you outside?
- Kids, daddy and I are gonna
be right back, ok? - Ok.
- Serves you right, you little brat. - At least
I'm not gonna die from it like you might!
- If I die from this I'm taking you with
me! - Will Carol find out she's a...
- I don't wanna watch this. I wanna watch
Terrance and Phillip. - We're watching this.
Well I've got the
remote bitch!
- Say Terrance would you check my ass
for abnormalities? - Sure thing Phillip.
You got me again!
That's tom foolery.
- Give me the remote.
- No way dude.
We're gonna watch
Terrance and Philllip all day.
Get me outta here!
He'll be ok. But it's a good idea
for us to monitor him for a while.
- Oh god, what have we done?
- There there now, it's not your fault.
Doctor, we purposely sent our
son to stay with a friend
who had chickenpox so that
he would get it early.
Ooh wow you did?
Wow, you guys suck.
- Can we go home now, mom? - No bubla,
you play with Kenny some more.
But we've been playing for 8 hours!
We can't think of anything else to do.
I've got a great game for you!
It's called Ookie-Mouth.
- What's ooki-mouth? - First you
let Kenny spit in your mouth.
Then you try to swallow his spit and try
to say ooki-mouth at the same time.
- Sick, dude! - No no bobie,
it's loads of fun. Try it!
- That outta take care of it.
- You want some more hot water?
Oh no thank you,
it's terrific though!
You don't have any tea bags or coffee
grounds to go in the tea bags do you?
Ah, we don't care for that
hoidy, toydi, rich folks stuff.
I see, well you certainly have
humble home Mrs. McCormick.
Yeah well unfortunately my husband
is a washed up hunk of shit!
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Gross! I can't do it ma!
- Try again bobie!
You know your husband and mine
used to work together as teenagers.
Oh they was best friends.
You couldn't separate em.
Really? I met Gerald in college,
so I didn't know.
- What happened to them?
- Oh they just grew apart I guess.
I think Stewart's a little jealous that
your husband got out of making pizzas
and went on to make
something of hisself.
Well that's too bad. I'm sure
your husband is a fine man.
Oh hell no. He's a
nothin of deer turd.
You say they were such good friends,
it's silly they don't even talk anymore.
Let's get them together.
- I don't know. - We'll just arrange a little
fishing trip for them or something.
I can't say ookie mouth and have Kenny spit
down my throat at the same time. It's impossible.
Practice makes perfect, bobie.
Where's that calamine lotion?
- Phillip, I got good news and bad news.
- Give it to me straight Terrance.
- The good news is you have a clean
pail of health. - Oh what a relief!
The bad news is you have cancer.
- Cancer! - Yes, I'm afraid
your ass is collapsing.
- My ass is collapsing!
- See this X-Ray? That's your ass.
See that line? That's your ass
collapsing. Your ass is collapsing!
Does this mean I won't be
able to fart anymore?
No, it means you won't
be able to live anymore.
Oh no!
No kitty that's a...
wait a minute. Come here Kitty.
- I'm back hon, I got some more calamine
lotion. - It's about friggin time! Give me that!
Just use a little bit of that
stuff hon. It has to last a while.
Ooh yess...you guys
seriosly now...ahhh...
- I didn't know you liked to fish, Gerry.
- Oh yeah I love it.
I haven't done it for a while though. I had to run
out a buy a few things. A rod and a reel and a...
- Tackle box?
- Yeah! Tackle box.
Man, smell that mountain air. What a great
Saturday morning. Aren't weekends just the best?
- When you're uh unemployed, weekends
are meaningless. - Right, right right.
And so children, that's how you tell a prostitute
from a policeman. Now are there any questions?
- Yes Kyle. - What the hell does that
have to do with American history?
That's a good question Kyle.
Are there any other questions?
Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here.
Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Right, right.
Well class, I'm gonna assign you all a
paper. The theme of the paper will be,
- "How I would make America better?". - What?
Does everybody have to do it or just me?
Don't worry Kyle, I'm sending home
word to all the children who are out sick.
They'll have to turn in a paper too.
Homework?
But I'm in the hospital!
Well your teacher sent this stuff over
for you to do while you're sick.
That son of a bitch!
What kind of sick weirdo is he!?
Now Stanley, I know at your age teachers
can seem cold and heartless,
but later you'll understand that he
did this for your own good.
- Not Mr. Garrison ma, he really is a
sick weirdo. - Yeah, it's true, he is.
- Oh. Well anyway, here's a pencil and
some paper. - Hey, where're you going?
- We're going down to Happy Burger
for some milkshakes. - Milkshakes?
- Yeah and then we're going to the movies!
- See ya, son!
- Weak!
- So this is how America works.
We have gods and clods.
My dad says America needs both rich and
poor to survive, but I have a better idea.
No I don't understand it Dr.
Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.
- He's been over at Kenny's house 3 days in a row,
and still hasn't caught the chickenpox. - What?
I don't know what else to do. We sent the
other boys over and they all got sick,
but I can't get my little
Kyle to catch it!
- Oh my god! - Kyle! What
are you doing there honey?
- You!
- I'll call you back Dr.Shwartz.
- You!
- What bubala, what is it?
You sent us over to Kenny's house on
purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
Oy. It was for your own good Kyle. I wanted
you to get chickenpox while you were young.
- Why? So I could be sitting in the hospital
waiting to die like Stan! - Now Kyle, come here.
- You get away from me,
you crazy woman! - Oh boy.
- Beer? - Oh no thanks,
I brought my own.
Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has 6
different beers from local breweries.
Say, remember the time we built
the fort in your mom's back yard?
- It took damned 2 years to finish it. - What
ever happened to that old hunk of junk?
- That's where I live now.
- O, right.
- And so that's why nightrider was the
best show in America. - Stan Stan!!
- Wake her up and we're both dead.
- Sorry, sorry...
You know how after we spent
the night at Kenny's house
you and Cartman got
sick with chickenpox?
- Dude, our parents sent us over there to
get us sick. - What are you talking about?
They knew that staying at Kenny's
house would make us sick.
- And they made us do it anyway.
- They did?
- Yeah, and I think I figured out why.
- Why?
- Because they're a bunch of
assholes. - Uh... of course!
Come on dude, we
gotta get outta here.
I don't know what they're planning
next, but it can't be good.
I hope that one day America
can be more like Endor.
Where the Ewats live.
Endor is very...
Mom asnwer that!
They have crazed
Ewats and barbeques,
which is why I like Endor
more than America.
Cartman, you remember how we all spent
the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
I remember frozen waffles
with no sidedishes.
Cartman, our parents sent us over
there to catch chickenpox from Kenny.
Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted
you to have herpes on your face.
- She what? - It's some kind
of parental conspiracy.
- Our parents are trying to kill
us or something. - That bitch!
I'm gonna go downstairs and
kick her square in the nuts!!
No no no no. Come on fatass,
we're gonna get em all back.
Well I'm sure you'll find another job soon.
Something will come along.
It's not that easy.
You were lucky.
Now now, I wasn't lucky.
You had rich parents. You got to go to
that expensive community college.
I worked my ASS off to get to where I
am today. I wanted to be somebody!
I wanted to be somebody to! I just wasn't
born with a silver enima up my ass!
You're just jealous! You're a bitter
old drunk just like your father!
Now, don't make me
do that again.
You son of a bitch!
- Doctor?
- Yes.
- Where's Stan?
- Stan?
- Stan, our son.
- Oh yes, where's Stan?
- You mean Stanley's missing?
- No no, he's not missing.
We just, can't seem to
find him at this moment.
- Oh my god, our son ran away!
- Will he be ok out of the hospital?
Oh sure sure. But we have
to get him back soon,
if he doesn't get his antibiotic
shot today, he could die.
- Die!? - Yes die. It won't
be an easy death either.
- The chickenpox will slowly move down his
trachea into his lungs... - Ok, well let's go look.
...as he chokes for breath, the pox will
move through his inner ear into his brain
making him think he's David Duchove...
Ooh god no!
- I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
- ...now moving on all fours and wheezing
uncontrollably his cellular structure will
regress in a deluctnous mass of....
So how was it? Did you boys
have a good time fishing?
- That son of a bitch ripped my
parka! - Catch anything?
I just don't get it. Why would he invite me
fishing and turn into a complete bastard?
Well darling, I have to tell you something.
He didn't invite you, I set the whole thing up.
What? Now why the hell would you
knowingly deceive me like that?
I thought it would be good for you.
Just like you deceived our son into going
to Kenny's, and that didn't work either!
I'm doing the best I can!
My final solution by Kyle Broslofski. My dad is
the smartest guy in the whole wide world.
He has taught me that all poor
people are actually things called clods.
I wanna live in a world of only gods,
so my idea to make America better,
is to put all poor
people into camps.
- What?!?!
- If we get rid of them,
there will be nothing
but rich people.
And there won't be any hunger,
poverty, or homeless people.
- Cause they'll all be dead. The end.
- Oh god, what have I done?
- What's happening here Terrance? - We're
doing and anal transplant, it's our only hope.
- Who's the doner?
- I am Phillip. I am.
- Terrance, you're giving up your
ass for me? - Just half my ass.
Can you believe it Phillip?
Here we are best friends, and now
we're going to share the same ass.
Oh damn it! Not now!
Damn it! Children,
what are you doing here?
Terrance and Phillip are
about to go into surgery!
Chef, we wanna know about herpes.
What makes you think I would
know anything about that?
- I dunno, you're just the only grownup we
trust. - How does someone get herpes?
Well you get by sharing things
with someone who already has it.
You have to be very careful around
someone who has herpes.
You know anybody with herpes?
Well there's old Frita, down on main
street. She has a mouthful of herpes.
You need to stay away from her.
But what if we want to
give somebody herpes?
Oh well then Frita's the
right person to go to.
- Cool!
- Thanks Chef! - Ook!
Wait a minute. What the
hell did I just do?
- Stanley?
- Stan?
- Oh Stanley, where are you?
- Stan?
- Are you old Frita?
- Who wants to know?
- Someone who has a favor.
- Ten dollars I'll leg, five dollars a nut.
- We want you to give our
parents herpes. - Five dollars.
My dad has five dollars
on top of his dresser.
Stan you sound pretty sick, maybe
you should go back to the hospital.
And have Shelley kick my ass?
No thanks.
Plus I want to get my parents
back just as much as you do.
- Thanks a lot Frita!
- Don't mention it.
- Dude this is gonna be so killer. They're
all gonna get herpes. - Hooray!
- Stanley, where the hell have you been?
- Damn it Stanley, you had us worried sick!
- You have to get back to the hospital
for a shot! - I don't wanna go back there!
Come on, we're taking you
back to the hospital.
Don't you guys feel like
brushing your teeth first?
- What? - You know,
freshen up your breath.
- Oh man, I don't feel so good. - Oh good,
maybe you finally caught the chicken...
Kyle!
Well I hope you boys
learned your lesson.
Going out and playing around with
chickenpox almost killed you all.
- We're sorry.  - Well just be
thankful we got you here in time.
Your parents are here to
see you, I'll send them in.
This itches, give me some of that
calamine lotion, Cartman.
- Heeelll no, you guys get your own!
- Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
- Pretty good. - The doctor says that
maybe you can go home tomorrow.
- Yeah, isn't that great Stanley?
- Wow cool!
- And how are you Kyle?
- Are you doing ok?
I'm better now!
What's so funny, you two?
- We gave you guys herpes!
- What what what!? You did this?
We got you back for getting us sick! We had
a prostitute use her toothbrushes and stuff.
I can't believe you gave us
herpes. You little rascals!
Well I guess it serves us right.
Kids, we should've been honest about
wanting you to get chickenpox.
It's true, we were wrong
for deceiving you about it.
Hey how come you don't have
sores on your lips mom?
- Ooh, I have them somewhere
else poopykins. - Hooray!
And uh Stewart, I think
I owe you an appology.
I realized I shouldn't be so cold towards
people that are less fortunate than me.
- Oh hell I'm sorry too. - Oh Phillip, I'm
glad everything turned out for the better.
- Well I know one thing for sure.
- What's that Eric?
We're all gonna need
more calamine lotion.
- Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
- You bastards!