South Park S08E01 Good Times With Weapons

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Good Times With Weapons
- Stop it, Cartman!
- Pfaha, so funny.
Goddamnit Cartman, stope throwin'
those stupid popping things at me!
Come on and take a look, folks.
We've got a lot of knives for sale here.
Oh my God, look!
Martial arts weapons from the Far East.
Wow, cool.
Dude! We should each buy a weapon,
and then we'll be like ninjas.
Yeah. We won't have
to take crap from anybody.
Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude.
Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!
Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid
fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought.
I'll get the tonfas. Those are so sweet.
I'm gonna get those killer sai.
Look Kenny!
There's something even you can afford!
A ninja shuriken for a dollar ninety nine.
Can I help you boys?
Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons.
Okay, uh, you need to have your parents
here when you buy them, though.
I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen
without parents' permission.
Parents? Parents?? Oh God!
Uh wha, what's the matter?
We, we're brothers, see, and our parents...
died in a car accident last year.
Why?! Why?! Why did you have
to take them both?! Why!
Why do people have to keep reminding
us of what we don't have??
It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry,
I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay?
Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked.
Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you!
With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great
and powerful ninja Sharohachi,
born to fight evil and people I don't like.
Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus
make me into Bounaku,
a deadly but compassionate ninja
who protects those in trouble.
What's your ninja name, Kenny?
Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who
has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies
- All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world!
- Kick ass!
Hey you guys, you know what we should do?
We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys.
They'll be so jealous.
No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people.
Our parents'll find out we have them.
Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews
can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!
You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!
Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see
Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion,
and Mel Gibson says you are
a sloth and you are a liar.
And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true.
Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us.
Come, ninjas, let's go.
All right, this is it.
Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig.
I still say this is a bad idea.
Ninja positions!
- Hello, Craig!
- Look what we got.
Where'd you get those?
We can't tell you where we got 'em!
It's secret ninja stuff.
Oooh, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig?
Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy.
Uh, uh, they're not that cool.
Hyeah, "they're not that cool.
" These are real authentic weapons from the Far East.
But don't tell anybody we have them.
- Whoa! Where'd you get those??
- Let me see.
Uh, we'd love to hang out guys,
but we have important secret work to do.
Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril.
Come on, ninjas!
Ho man, did you see the look on Craig's face?!
That was awesome!
Dude, we're like the coolest
kids in the whole state!
Huhey fellas. What's happenin'?
We're playing Ninjas, Butters.
Wowee! Hey, can I play, uhninjas with you?
No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting
team sent to protect the world from evil,
and you can't play with us.
Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make
a very good ninja. Come on, guys.
- We have a lot of work to do.
- Yes, and no time to do it. No time...
I think I'd make a really good ninja.
Jeez, those guys never let me play with them.
Uh they just shun me all the time.
I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person-
- Hi Butters.
- Hi Mom.
-a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude.
And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil.
Society cast me out, and so I vowed
to make them all pay! And pay they did!
Nobody knows that beneath this
sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil,
the most destructive supervillain of all time!
Professor Chaos!
Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas!
- Oooh, Butters, are you going out to play again?
- Yeah Mom, I'm jus' goin' outside for a little while.
Well, could you be a sweetie and take
that pie over there to the Thomsons.
I made it to thank them
for babysitting you last week.
Well, okay-okay Mom.
Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way.
My ninja sense is telling me we might
be heading in the wrong direction.
Okay, hang on guys.
I'll use my special power to see into the future
and find out where we should head next.
Hold on you guys.
I actually have another power.
I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle.
Let me try it.
- Goddamnit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers!
- Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!
I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers.
No asshole! From now on you only
get to have ONE power! So what is it?!
I have the power to have all the powers I want.
That doesn't count, fatass!
Yeah, that it, Cartman!
You don't get to have any powers!
C'mon!
Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas!
- Who the hell is that??
- I dunno. Craig, is that you?
Fools! I am Professor Chaos!
Bringer of Destruction and Doom!
Your feeble ninja powers
are no match for me!
Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys.
Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along.
Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa Takanawa!
- Hey kid, that knocks you down.
- Nuh uh!
- Yeah huh, I got you!
- Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a
...titanium alloy that shields me from heat!
That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
Well, let's see how he likes
the icy blasts from my nunchakus Sokuromoto!
Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you
shall feel the power of my Web of Holding!
You are both trapped in spiderwebs!
All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay!
Oh no! I have no powers!
Kyle took them away from me!
Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers
so I can fight this evil villain!
Okay, okay, you can have your powers back.
All right! And now I will use my power to...
turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh!
Goddamnit Cartman!
Now you are a chicken!
Enough! Uh I grow weary of your foolishness.
Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
- Oh, fuck dude!
- It's Butters. Oh my God!
- Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye!
- What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
It hurts! It hurts!
Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
Ssh sshhhh. It's okay, Butters.
Calm down. It's not that bad, really.
But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'.
I gotta go to the hospitalll!!
Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay!
Guys, meeting over here for a second?
All right you guys, we need to stay
calm and just do the right thing.
We have to kill Butters
and bury him in Kyle's backyard.
- Dude, shut up!
- I agree with Cartman!
- What?? - You don't understand what my mom will do
to me if she finds out  I was playing with weapons!
Just stay still, Butters.
Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Go ahead and scramble it,
then he won't remember it was us.
You guys can't fix my eyeball!
You have to take me to the hospital!
If we take him to the hospital,
they're gonna find out what happened.
God-damnit!
God? Please, if you get me out of this,
I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again.
Don't be so quick to throw off
your ninja responsibility, Kyle.
Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be
a ninja when everything's going your way,
but it's times like these, when the chips are down,
that a ninja shows his true character.
Whoa, I'm getting woozy.
Shut up, Butters. Now, there's a way out of this.
We just have to use our... ninja reasoning.
We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital.
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait what
about the veterinarian?
Dr. Shafley?
He's really old and and goin blind.
- So if we make Butters up to look like a dog,...
- Ohh no. - We might pass him off as our pet.
Ohoo but, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog
with a star in my eye, I I'm gonna get grounded.
Shut up, Butters!
That is the dumbest idea you
guys have ever come up with!
I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman,
but you, Stan??
Butters needs medical attention right now!!
All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle.
You take him to the hospital
and let your mom find out what happened.
I need the modeling glue.
We need more fur over here.
Uh that modeling glue is making me dizzy.
Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit!
Now, stop being such an asshole!
We need some more fur.
I think that's good.
Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.
Wuff...wu-wuff.
All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town.
Okay, it's clear.
Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's
office you need to stay down on all fours and-
Butters, listen!! At the vet's office,
you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot.
Wuhuff, woof, woof.
We've gotta hurry, it's getting late!
- Oh shit, somebody's coming!
- Quick, hide Butters!
In here!
Uh buh, but fellas, I gotta-
There you are!
You guys thought you were sooo cool, didn't you?!
Well look at what we got!
- No way, you got weapons too??
- Where'd you get those?
From the n-n-, from the nn-, from the nn-
From the nice guy at the county fair.
At first we needed our parents' permission,
but then we told him our parents were dead.
Aw man, now every
in town has a weapon! Lame!
So, how would you ninjas like to do battle?
Uh not now, Craig, we we have to be going.
You can't pass through this
area until you defend your honor!
He said, not now, Craig!
I am not Craig, I am Ginza,
with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!
And I am Black Taku,
with the power of perfect spelling!
Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay?
Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas?
Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?
We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
- Then fight us!
- Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!!!
I swore to never fight again.
We don't have a choice, Kyle.
Just humor them.
Hey wait wait WAIT wait!
Hold on a second. Where's Butters?
Oh no. Butters!
Butters!
Oh, nice going, you assholes!
You made us lose him!
Lose who?
Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye,
and we were taking him to the vet
when you fucked it all up! Butters!
- Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
- Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now!
- Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here!
- No dude, you gotta help us find him!
- The hell with that!
- We're in this together, Craig!
If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you,
and that's the ninja code!
Hello? Anybody-eh.
Woof. Woof. Woofwoof.
- Butters! - Butters! - Here, Butters!
Dude, look!
- Hello there, children!
- Hey, Chef.
- How's it goin'?
- Bad.
Why bad?
Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you?
No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you
children doin' with those weapons?
Nnothing, just, playing.
Well, you children should be careful with those.
You could put somebody's eye out.
- Yeah, we know.
- Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds.
They're about to start the big auction.
So long, children!
Oh my God! What the-? Doctor? Doctor??
Jesus Christ.
What kind of sick bastard would
do this to a dog? Poor little pup.
Woofwoof.
Can you help him, Doctor?
I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor.
- Best we call the animal shelter.
- Right away.
In our last episode the four ninjas did battle
with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom.
It was during that great battle that ninja master
Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye.
Now the ninjas were in serious trouble,
because their parents might find out they
had weapons if Professor Chaos told on them.
While trying to get Professor Chaos some
aid at the veterinarian's office,
the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends.
They challenged the four ninjas to fight,
and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began.
It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped,
and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces
with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos,
or else they would all be grounded.
- Butters!
- Butters!
Butters! Where the hell are you?!
It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made
it to the hospital.
By now our parents probably know we
were playing with weapons!
- We have to get rid of the evidence!
- What?
Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at
least we can try to deny everything.
Screw that, dude, I paid 20 bucks for these things!
Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back.
We don't have time for that, dude!
We just have to ditch them! Now!
Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw
your nunchakus away. If you can.
But you know well that your
Jewish blood won't let you.
You can't throw away something you
paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.
Screw you, fatass!
Mel Gibson was right, Kyle.
Right now the Jew in you is screamig
"NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!"
You know this to be true.
Go ahead.
Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle.
I, I can't do it. ... I can't do it. I...
It's all right, Kyle.
We'll go back to the fair and return them.
Come on. Come on, little fella. Atta boy.
Right over here. Good dog. Come on.
There you go, right in there.
Somebody threw a ninja star
in that poor puppy's eye?
It just makes me sick how some
people can treat animals.
Well, nothing we can do for it;
let's put it to sleep, shall we?
Here you go, pup. I've got
a sweet dose of murder for you.
What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ..
Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.
All right, the county fair's still open!
Can I help you boys?
We have come to return the weapons we purchased.
Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.
Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna kill us,
and you, if they found out that we bought these!
I thought you told me your parents were dead.
- You guys! You guys!
- What is it, Craig?
- It's Butters! We saw 'im!
- Where?!
Right on the other side of the fairgrounds.
He's just wandering around aimlessly.
- Then it's NOT too late!
- Come on, Ninjas!
All right, folks, our next item up
for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp.
Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.
- Butters is right on the other side.
- We have to get past them!
All right. Looks like I have to use
my power of invisibility to get by.
You have that power too?
I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold.
This way, I can move about
the crowd of people undetected.
- Here, hold this stuff for me.
- Good luck, Bulrog.
Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna
and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming.
It has a bronze finish and actual
gold leaf along the base.
Uh this is a rare opportunity
to own a classic antique.
The lamp has been appraised by our
auction staff at well over 2000 dollars.
So we're gonna start the bidding at 375.
Do I, do I hear 375?
Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'?
Butters!
What happened to him?
Oh my God!
- Ohhh Jesus.
- Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.
All right, people, we are all extremely
upset over what's happened.
But let's try to speak one at a time.
Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked
and appalled at what happened!
I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's
the times we're living in, but something has to change!
This is the worst thing that's happened in this town!
The worst thing!
Yeah! I mean, there were children
watching that auction!
And when that little eight-year-old boy walked
up and flashed his... penis...
it was an outrage!
What?
What?
Not only that, the auction
was televised on public access,
so my little daughter watchin'
at home saw the -penis!
How am I suppsoed to explain that to her?!
This is what happens when the moral
fabric of society breaks down!
You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction!
Dude, they don't care we knocked
Butters' eye out with weapons?
Just run with it, dude.
Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh my fragile little eight-year-old
mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing.
- C-Cartman should be punished!
- Yeah!
Hey, fuck you, Kyle!
Heck, I c- I can't believe it.
Hyeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about
violence if there's sex things to worry about.
So I guess this means we
get to keep our weapons.
Yeah. Come on, ninjas.
We've got some more work to do.

South Park S07E15 It's Christmas In Canada

Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov
I gotta go tinkle.
No Ike! Shh!
Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim vi-tov.
We thank God for our blessings this Chanukah.
Our little family is so loving, and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart.
I'll get it.
Gerald Broflovski?
Yes?
My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
Yes, I can tell.
My wife and I had a child a few years back, and, we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption.
We were told that you might be the-
Peter!  Oh God, Harry! It's our son! Peter, it's Mommy.
Gerald, what the hell is going on?
I I'm not sure.
It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada.
The whole country was devastated by the cola wars.
It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby.
So we put him up for adoption. But as the years passed, I,
I just felt an emptiness in my heart. Oh it's so good to see him.
Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gints, but to be honest,
I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again.
I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit Peter,
...we came to take him back.
What?
We want to take Peter home, to Canada.
Are you crazy?!
Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just change your mind.
Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear.
And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home.
The new Canadian Prime Minister?
Look, Ike is our son now!
He doesn't belong here. He belongs in Canada with his own kind.
I think you'd better leave.
Please, don't make things any harder for Peter.
Harder for Peter?! Now you two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we're being hard on Peter?!
We're prepared to go to court! We had hoped it wouldn't come to that!
Well you bet your ass it'll come to that!
I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied.
The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override.
By Canadian law I must award custody of the child to his birth parents.
Yes!
Yes!
No!
Ike's not my little brother anymore?
Gerald, do something!
There's nothing I can do.
Good-bye, Ike. You...  be a good bye, huh?
You... remember all the things we taught you.
Ike, you'll always be my little brother, okay?
Come on, Peter, we should get going.
No!
Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy.
No no no no no!
I have some chocolate.
Chocolate!
We're going to take good care of him.
You'd better!
Dad, can't we talk to this new Canadian Prime Minister?
if he knew the situation, he might e-
Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money we don't have.
Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory.
I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas.
Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action.
Guys. Guys, I need your help.
Sure dude.
It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse.
I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's Christmas!
Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure?
Please, you guys, you don't understand. My family is devastated.
My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying.
Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle,
...but I think this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmastime.
Dude, Cartman.
I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having a little revenge, that's all.
I found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-
Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada.
Look, they're about to light the Christmas tree.
Maybe you can get your brother back some other way.
Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year,
...I still wouldn't help you.
Three! Two! One!  Yaaaaay!
As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering.
As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them.
As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain.
Are there any suggestions how we might help?
How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans,
...and every Christmas we tell you "NO!"
Rats!
The Broflovskis need money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister.
What if this Christmas, instead of buyin' presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis?
HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas!
That's a great idea, Chef.
What?
Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway?
This Christmas we can do somethin' that really matters!
Dad, don't get carried away.
Then it's settled: This year we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis,
...in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them.
No! No, this can't be happening!
You fucking asshole!! This is all your fault!!
What?
Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!!
You fucking Jews ruined Christmas again!!
Whoa whoa, Cartman.
It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh?!
Cartman, calm down!
Is that true?
It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined.
This is it, Kyle.
You and me. We're throwin' down. Right now.
I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do.
We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said.
If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money.
You really think if we go to Canada we might still get Christmas presents?
It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Oh all right, but we'd better not miss out on great Christmas adventures.
We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.
Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once and for all.
No business... Christmastime come anda nobody wanna eata Chinese food.
Looks like I might as well close.
Oh boy! Some business! Finally!
Herro? Shitty Wok, take ur orda prease!
Uh, I must have the wrong number.
We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease.
Herro, Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty far.
Gonna cost ya a rot of money... hmlet's she. How many people?
Four.
Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura.
How about fifty daura?
Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura!
Fifty-five daura.
Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura!
No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Okay. Sixty daura.
Sixty-two daura.
Okay.
Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Got it.
Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.
We have exactly fifty-two hours before Christmas.
That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our patents twenty-four hours to buy us presents.
Synchronize watches on my mark.
Mark!
Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine.
Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!
(Me neither!)
Why not?
('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!)
You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be stupid.
You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?
Of course I care about Christmas- Doh, Christ on a stick!
Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!
Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking.
Rooking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now.
If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them.
Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Shitty fright.
All right! We're going to Canada!
Sweet.
Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh!
What's going on??
Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking.
As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down.
Now would be a good time to refrect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in.
Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines,
...and it looks like you made the wrong one.
Hey, where the hell are you going??
Do something, Kyle!
I'm trying!
Look out!
You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore.
Eh-xcuse me?  Uh, is this an invasion?
No.
Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion!
Hey! We're in Canada!
Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
<i>Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!
<i>We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
<i>We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?
<i>What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Uh. My adopted brother got taken back here to Canada?
So, we want to talk to the new Canadian Prime Minister about getting him back?
<i>His brother is our quest. The question is, is what?
<i>You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think his brother's home's back there.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Hey! What the hell is going on?!
It's Scott!
Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?!
Who's that?
That's Scott! He's a dick!
A-ha! Americans! I should've known!
You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada!
Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these boys alone!
This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!!
God, what a dick!
Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay?
Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?
The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa.
So how do we get to Ottawa?
Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Which road?!
This is Canada. We only have one road.
<i>Follow the only road.
<i>Follow the only road.
<i>To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.
<i>There's only one road in Canada.
<i>We call it the Road, the only road.
<i>Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
<i>And it's paved and wide and up to code.
All right dude, let's get the hell out of here!
Word!
<i>You're off to see the Prime Minister,
<i>the Prime Minister of Canada!
Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister!
And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck.
Twenty hours until Christmas.
Our parents still have time to buy us presents IF we hurry.
Ahoy there, travelers.
Who are you?
I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie.
I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Yes. Yes, we are.
But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...
But if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
You're going to see the new Prime Minister.
Oh, I would so like to meet him myself.
It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.
Follow me this way! We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you!
Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!
All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
French Canada?
<i>There'z no Canada like French Canada,
<i>...it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
<i>Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada.
<i>If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
Welcome to French Canada.
We have everyzing your heart could desire.
Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Would you like a moustache?
Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd.
Ah, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Well first you must answer that phone.
Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
We don't have time for this.
You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call!
Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Hello?
Allo. If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you.
He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Okay, you can come with us.
Very good! Let us make haste!
<i>There'z no Canada like French Canada,
<i>...it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
<i>And ze ozer Canada.
<i>Is a bullshit Canada
<i>If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
<i>I think you'd understand.
<i>...You understand.
Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
It reminds me of death and fear.
How much further to Ottawa! Christmas is only twelve hours away.
We must be very close now.
Ey! What are you doing?!
Oh no. It's Scott.
What are you two doing helping these Americans?!
Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
You're a dick, Scott!
You're a dick! And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are!
Now I'm going to get you!
Not a-hire, Scott!
Who the hell are you?!
I'm Steve the Newfoudlander.
And you'er on Newfoundland property now!
Get off before I have you arrested!
Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!!
Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!
God-damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister! NOW!
Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh?
He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland.
Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Can we just get going, please?
Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
What?
You folks are goin' the wrong way.
What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way.
Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
Oh no!
How could you be so stupid!
There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there.
Is it working?
Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! I told you if I missed Christmas we were gonna throw down!
Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW!
Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?
Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Well come on!
Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister.
Do you think we can still make it in time?
We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead.
Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost Christmas!
Yes?
We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody!
Oh well, zo much for zat.
Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh?
No. No!!
Yes?
Please, sir. I traveled a long way to get here. He's the only person who can help me.
The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business.
So you might as well go home. Good-bye!
Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going to get my brother back.
And... I'm not going to get any Christmas presents.
And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure.
(And I'm not gonna have a ...)
Oh please! Please stop crying.
I'm gonna kill you, Kyle.
All right all right, I was lying. The Prime Minister IS here.
Really?
Yes yes. Come in.
I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What do you guys want?
Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who have given their children up for adoption to change their minds.
My little brother was-
Not so fast!
Ike!
Kyle!
Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents!
Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins!
Would you send him back to America with those world-hungry scum?!
Please, sir.
I came because I don't think Ike belongs here.
Family isn't about whose blood you have in you, family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you.
We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother.
We've taken care of him because he needed us to, and that makes us more family than anything.
That is a great speech, guy.
But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!
Haha, you lose, Americans!
Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.
And we won't get our wine.
And we can't perform sodomy, eh?
But why are you making such strange laws??
I SAID GO!
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
You... bastards!
Wha, what the hell is wrong with you??
What kind of Prime Minister bases his decisions on hatred?
And, and takes away mounties' horses?  And French people's wine?
What the hell kind of Prime Minister are you, anyway?!
I am the Prime Minister of Canada.
I can do whatever I-
Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
What the hell??
Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein!
Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, baby. I'm not him.
Zat explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was Saddam Hussein,
...once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before.
Saddam Hussein?
He was fooling us?
Get him!
Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate. Hey, relax!  Gah!
Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void.
We can have our horses back!
And we can drink our wine.
And I can sodomize me boys again
Young man, you... must really care for Peter to have come all this way.
Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back.
He doesn't belong here. He belongs with his family.
Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado?
What is that?
It's Christmas. We officially missed it.
It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in Canada.
Wull yeah, but ah-I got my brother back.
Yeah! You got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents!
And what did I tell you, Kyle?!
I told you that if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?!
Dude, come on.
Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker!
That's right! You and me! Right now!  We're havin' it out!
Let's go! Come on! Come on!!
Mooooooom! Moooooooom!
Ey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!
<i>Ding dong, they caught Saddam!
<i>Merry Christmas to the world!
<i>Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam!
<i>Now Canada is free for you and you and me
<i>It's the best Christmas presents we ever got
<i>Canadian Christmas, it's the best!
<i>We drink and dance and show our breasts!
<i>Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught!
Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year.

South Park S07E14 Raisins Tv

All right, you guys, it's first down. I'll hike the ball on the third ""set hut!""
Kyle and Cartman, go deep post out. Kenny, run a slant down the middle.
Butters, be ready for the screen.
Right. What are we playing again?
Football.
Got it.
Okay. 23!  Blue, 23! Set hut! Set hut!
Wendy breaks up.
What?
Wendy breaks up with you.
Oh whoa, wait a minute.  What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks.
She just doesn't wanna be with you anymore. She said she still wants to be friends.
What-ever, Bebe! Like Stan really cares! Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank!
Fuck you, fatass! You guys are assholes!
Oh yeah? Huwell, at least we have assholes, you dumb girl!
Yeh-heah, right!
God, you're so stupid!
What a whore!
Yeah! Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up!  Stan?
Come on, Stan, it's first down still.
Kyle, will you talk to Wendy for me?
Why?
Cause I need to know why she broke up.
Aw, dude, come on. I gotta do my science homework.
Dude, please. I might still have a chance to make things work. Please, just go talk to her?
God damnit!
Look, Stan is really nice. I just don't wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.
I've been wanting to break up for a while. but it's, it's nothing against him.
OK.
She says she's been wantin' to break up for a while, and it's nothing against you.
What? That's no answer! Go tell her to be more direct with me.
No dude, I'm out. Go talk to her yourself. Be poetic.
Kyle, this is my life.  Jimmy!
Hey Stan.
Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
For- Forw- Forw-w-w what?
Just go talk to her an, and be poetic.
Tell her she's my Muse-no! Tell her,  tell her...
...she's a con-tinuing source of inspiration to me.
She's what?
She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
...Okay.
Yeah?
Stan says your a cont... you're a- cont- S-Stan says you're a cont- cont-
Well tell Stan to stop!!
-cont- You're a cont-tinuing source of inspiration to him.
Well?
She just- w-walked away, Stan. You're gonna have to face facts. It's over.
Over?
Stan! Jesus!
We came over to cheer you up, Stan!
...Go away.
Stan, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to go live.
Why? What's the point of living when the only girl I ever loved is gone?
God, what a fag!
Dude, not now!
You guys have no idea how this feels.
It's like, you always hear songs about a broken heart and you think it's just a figure of speech?
But it's true. My chest hurts.
I feel this like, sinking feeling where my heart is. It's broken...
Jeez, he's worse than I thought.
Well what do we do now?
Should I try telling him a fa-fantastic joke?
No. We just have to show him that there's other girls out there. I say we take him to Raisins.
What's Raisins?
Hey guys, welcome to Raisins. Six of you? Right over here.
So you guys having a good time today?
Uh huh...
How about some more fun fries, guys?
Okay...
Boy, am I glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool.
Here you go, guys. Lexus will be right with you.
What do you think, Stan. These girls are pretty cute, huh?
Jesus Christ, I think I've died and... gone to... heaven.
This place is awesome!
How do you know? We haven't even tried the food yet.
Hey guys.
Whoa!
How are we doing this afternoon?
Good.
I'm so glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool.
W-we are.
So what can I get you?
Okay, um, we're gonna get the zingy tangy wings, and mozzarella tasty tarts
...and uh, OH, and the bite-size pizzazzas, and a pitcher of lemonade.
Great. I'll put your order in right now.
You guys! I think our Raisins girl likes me.
She, she touched my back when she walked away. Did you see that?
Raisins, girls!
-Woohoo!
-Oh Yeah! Do it!
Hey. Hey, look over there, Stan. That Raisins girl is really cure, huh?
Why don't you say hi to her?  Excuse me?
Hi guys. My name's Porsche.
Hey. Uh, this is Stan.
Oh hey cutie. How are you? I love your hat.
I used to have a hat juuust like that, except, it was black and it didn't have a puffball on it.
Oh my God, my hands are sooo cold. How come people have hands, anyway?
Did you ever wonder that?
YMCA...  YMCA-A.
Omigod! You guys... this is the greatest place in the world...
Have you ever noticed how much sand there is at the beach?
I mean, haven't you ever wondered where all this sand came from?
Omigod, this one time, I saw a beetle that was thiiis big. Eeewww!
Can we go, please?
Okay. Okay, come on you guys.
Oooh my God, thank you guys sooo much for coming to Raisins!
Oooh, sweetie, are you leaving?
Well, I don't want to, Lexus, but my stupid friends wanna go.
Awww, well, when am I gonna get to see you again??
When do you wanna see me?
As soon as possible!
Oh my God! Here, we left you a tip already, but here is another five dollars.
Oooh, you are such a sweetie. Come here, youuu!
Bye, guys! Thanks for coming to Raisins!
Well, Stan. Do you feel, uhb- better now?
No, dude, I feel worse!
Look, we're just trying to show you there's other girls out there.
Dude, I don't have time to start over with other girls. I'm nine years old, dude!
If I don't work things out with Wnedy, I could be alone my whole life!
She wants to see me again! My Raisins girl said she wants to see me again!
I can't let Wendy go. This whole time I've been having my friends do all thealking for me. It's time I took control!
What are you doing?
Something I should have done a long time ago.
Bebe, you need to go talk to Wendy for me right now!
All this time I've been trying to have my friends do all the talking for me!
Now I realize I need her friends to do it! Tell her I love her!
Stan, why don't you show her you love her?
If you really want Wendy back, try doing the most romantic thing you can think of.
Okay, so what's the most romantic thing I can think of?
If you really want a shot at getting her back, stand outside her window,
...hold a boombox over your head, and play  Peter Gabriel.
Okay, Porsche, see you tomorrow. Bye, Mercedes.
Lexus!
Uh oh. Uh, hi, sweetie.
I waited all night for you to get off work.
Oh, really?  Huhunh, that's great. Uhm, Maury...
I I just could- I just couldn't stop thinking about you.
There a problem?
Could you uh just help walk me to my- bike?
Right.
Thanks again for the big tip. You are such a sweetie. Come back and see me real soon, okay?
Oh wait, Lexus. Jeheez, I almost forgot. Ah I got you this present.
Oh wow. Thanks, cutie.
It's a little stuffed bear dressed as a rabbit.
Gosh, that's the nicest gift I've gotten all night. Thank you.
Well I gotta go, honey. Be sure to come back to Raisins and see me again, okaaay?
Well yeah, but, but, hey, hey Lexus?
Well I was thinking, well, I was thinking that we should- go do something sometime.
Oh gee, that would be great, honey, but I'm reeeally busy this week.
Tell you what: you come back to Raisins and then we'll be able to hang out all we want, okay?
O-kay!
Bye, cutie!
Bye, bye darling!
All right, kids! Out on the gym floor for P.E. class.
Come on, Stan. We're gonna play dodgeball.
I can't believe it. She's in love with somebody else.
Dude, you need to snap out of this! So Wendy left you for Token.
What are you gonna do? Just be miserable your whole life?
There's nothing else I can do. She was my whole life.
Aw, come on, dude! All you've done for the last four days is mope around!
You might as well hang out with those Goth kids who dress in black and talk about pain all the time!
Maybe I should. At least they will understand me. Maybe I should hang with the Goth kids.
Life is pain. Life is only pain.
We're all taught to believe in happy fairytale endings.
But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that eats at your soul.
Who needs that kind of Barbie love, anyway?
Everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conforminsts.
Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make thirty-four thousand dollars a year to buy your condominium.
They're all zombies racing to their graves.
Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me?
My dad is such an asshole. Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist.
But then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroine-addict aunt is coming over for dinner.
Dinner? That's a laugh.
Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the Britney Spears wannabes at this school.
They're all a bunch of Nazi conformists cheerleaders.
But if life is only pain, then... what's the point of living?
Just to make life more miserable for the conformists.
All right, so how do I join you?
If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.
...o'K.
Okay, I know it's your first day, Ferrari, so I wanna go over the basics with you.
Okay.
First of all, there's a five foot rule.
If you come within five feet of a customer, you need to acknowledge them, even if they're not at your table.
"Hey, cudie."
When you're not serving food or talking with customers, you need to dance around and have fun.
We use things like Hula Hoops, silly strings, and water guns to play with the other girls.
Be sure to giggle a lot, and be sure to show off your raisins.
Now, when you take a customer's order, you need to sit down at the table with them and make them think you're interested.
Write your name down for them and make them feel special.
"Oh man, I am so bored. Thank God you guys came in."
If you want good tips, the most important thing is physical contact.
Just a simple hold of the arm can mean the difference between five and twenty dollars.
"I'll be right back with your order, guys."
Wow, thank you so much, Mercedes.
Okay. Well, I guess we're ready to open for business. Good luck.
Go ahead and open for business, Porsche!
Okay!
Hi, welcome to Raisins!
Hi! Is Lexus here?
Hey, cutie.
Darling!
How are we doing today?
Oh God. I missed you so much.
Shallow life.
Drowning alone, I gasp for air.
Coldness creeps over pale skin.
There is sadness so deep it pulls me down
Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea.
Yeah, happiness dies.
Yeah.
All right, your turn, Stan. Read one of your poems about pain.
There is darkness all around me
Deep, piercing black, I cannot breathe
My heart has been raped.
Whoa.
The pain is everlasting.
I miss you so much, babe.
Want to hold you in my arms again, girl.
Want to-
Whoa, whoa! Dude! Those last two lines aren't Goth!
They're not?
No, dude! You can't say "I miss you so much, babe. I want to hold you in my arms."
Make it "I miss seeing you so much I wanna slash my eyes out with razor blades."
Henrietta! Hi sweetie!
Go away Mom! Leave me alone!
Daddy and I just got your birthday present! But you can't see what it is till tomorrow!
You'd like to wait till I was dead, wouldn't you? You'd like to see maggots eat my face.
Ee-you are so creative, honey.
Conformist bitch.
Yeah.
Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Porsche. Have you tried our Double Whammy Wings?
Hi. Is Lexus there, please? This is her boyfriend.
Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Lexus.
Hey Lexus.
Hi, sweetie! Who's this?
Wuh it's me, Butters.
Oh, okay. Hi, cutie.
Hey sweetie.
So how are you, honey?
I'm fine. I miss you though.
Yeah, school was pretty tough today. We had two quizzes, and one of them was a pop quiz.
Sometimes I think our classes are too hard.
But I thought about you all day long. I promise. So how is your day going?
Good, good.
Hey, hey sweetie, I was thinking tonight you could come over and we could watch The Exorcist on DVD.
Oh, gee, I don't know, cutie. Why don't you just come down to Raisins?
Oh well, uh I kinda don't have any money left. Unh, I spent it all on Raisins the last six times.
Awww, that's too bad, cutie. I really wanna see you.
Oh, I really wanna see you too, baby. Eh don't, don't worry. I'll get more money
OK sugar. Gotta run.
Uh-okay. Uh, hey, Lexus, well, there's something I've been meaning to say.
Here it goes: Lexus, I- Oh jeeze, maybe I shouldn't say it-
...no wait, I want to say it. I love you.
Heeheee, heh, Oh my God.
Dad, I need an advance on my allowance again.
O-hoo no Butters! You got an advance two days ago.
Uh but I spent it all.
What are you spending all that money on, Butters?
On my girlfriend.
Girlfriend?
You... have a girlfriend, Butters?
Yeah.
And she's... a... girl, right?
Yup!
Well all right! Good for you, Butters!
Oh, that is so cute. When do we get to meet her?
Well, I was hopin' to go see her right now. You can come alone.
But don't embarass me or nothin'. I'm sure she'll be real nervous to impress you.
Don't worry, Butters. We just wanna say hi and then we'll leave you two alone.
Okay.
You see? I told you he wouldn't turn out gay.
All right, you win.
Hey, can we get more coffee over here?
Damnit, are you kids just gonna sit here all night again and drink six dollars' work of coffee?!
Why don't you get a life?!
Conformist. Have fun in your rat-race life, living paycheck to paycheck for corporate gains.
Yeah.
Dude, you haven't drank your coffee.
Well I don't drink coffee.
You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee.
Oh Jesus Christ, I had to see it to believe it! What the hell are you doing?!
Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul.
God-damnit dude, your mom and dad want you to come home!
So they can fill my head with more Disney lies about how perfect the world is? I don't think so.
Yeah. Why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole?
You just don't know what real pain is.
Oh, like you know what pain is! Go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!
I'm not gonna live in a Third-World country with all the conforminsts.
Stan, this is it. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and come home!
Everyone cares about you and everyone wants you back!
What about Wendy? Isn't she still with Token?
Yeah. She is.
Then people shouldn't care about me-ehhh. Because I don't care about them.
What's the point of caring if all it brings is pain?
For sure.
Fine. That's it. I give up. Have fun being miserable.
...conformist.
Yeah.
Here we are, Mom and Dad!
Hi, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?
Hi, Mercedes. It's me, Lexus's boyfriend. I brought my parents over to meet her.
Great.  Be sure to try our Cheddar Poppers. Right this way.
Who else wants a signed Raisins Girls calendar for five dollars?
Woohoo, all right, yeah!
Stephen, what is this place?
I, don't know.
Here you go. Porsche will by right with you.
Go ahead and have a seat, guys. Ah I've gotta go and find Lexus!
Hey cutie, you having a good time?
Yeah.
Oh boy, I think I know what's happened.
Our son hasn't learned yet that girls will pretend to like him for money.
This place is horrible. To objectify girls like this.
Hi guys. Can I take your order?
Little girl, you shouldn't be working here.
I shouldn't? Where I supposed to be working?
No, I mean you shouldn't work somewhere where you're paid for how you look.
You should be learning a skill so you can grow up to be a businesswoman or even a doctor.
Who knows? You could cure cancer.
I could cure cancer? Omigod! That would be sooo cool!
I had a cancer sore on my lip once and it hurt sooo bad.
... Oh. Never mind, I think Raisins might be the perfect place for you.
Cool!
Mom? Dad? This is Lexus.
Hi. Welcome to Raisins.
Uh, Butters, can we have a little talk with you? Outside?
Huh? Oh anything you have to say to me  you can say in front of Lexus.
Butters, these girls pretend to be interested in you because they know you'll give them tips.
Huh?
You see, Butters, women know that they can make men do anything by flirting.
And some girls, like these, turn that into a profession.
Oh, I see.
You don't approve of my girlfriend!
Well let me tell you somethin', Mom and Dad, our love is as pure as a mountain spring!
The odds may be stacked against us, but we're gonna give it our best shot!
And so, if you can't be happy for us, y-you can just go to heck, Mom and Dad!
Come on, Lexus. I'm movin' out of my parents' house and I'm movin' in with you.
Uh let's blow this joint!
What are you talking about, kid? We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend.
... What? Lexus, what are you saying?
Are you saying...
...you don't want to be together anymore?
I'm sorry, sweetie.
So that's it? We're broken up now?
I gotta get these curly fries to Table 12.
Well go ahead and go. It's best we don't say anything more.
There's nothing left to say. It's over.
Our relationship is o-over.
Look at this. Another tortured soul.
Another life of pain.
Hey Raven, check it out.
Butters?
Oh  Uh hey, hey Stan.
What's the matter with you?
Well, mu mu mu girlfriend broke up with me.
Did she step on your heart with stiletto heels?
Yeah.  It sure does hurt.
That's cool. I guess you can join up with us if you want.
Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.
Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life.
Huh? But you just got dumped
Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad.
It's like, ih ih, ih it makes me feel alive, you know?
It makes me feel human.
And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before.
So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness.
I guess that sounds stupid...
Yeah.
No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all.
Well, thanks for offerin' to let me in your clique, guys, uh but, to be honest,
I'd rather be a cryin' little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.
Well see ya, Stan.
He's right. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I like liking life a whole lot more than hating it.
Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Go ahead and go back to your sunshine fairytale!
Okay, it's third down. And now, somebody make a play!
Hey, can I join in?
What happened? Aren't you still wallowing in pain?
Yeah, it still hurts a lot, but
...I just realized that there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life, so,
I'd better learn to deal with it the right way.
Hey Wendy!
You're a bitch.
Token? Right here, buddy.
Well. Dude, it's uh it's good to have you back.
Yeah. Let's play ball.

South Park S07E13 Butt Out

M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay?
M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay.
M'kay, quiet ple-m k-m'kay?
M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today
...who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, hm'kay?
So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to,
"Butt Out!"
<i>Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross!
<i>Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Oh no...
Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!
Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo!
Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!
Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke?
Blow smoke? Us? No way!
Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down!
<i>Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no!
<i>Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
<i>Smoking, no. No smoking.
Freestyle!
Vernon!
<i>Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
Kyle!
<i>B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the...
-Dude, this is unbearable.
-I'm going to kill myself
Randy!
<i>Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go..  ... you gotta get it!
Pam!
<i>Don't smoke.
You guys, Kenny's eating his own hands.
Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool!
Ohoh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too??
What about emphysema?? Is that cool??
And what about abortion, and AIDS?
Pfft! That's none's the cool.
Word.
Yeah. So butt out!
<i>Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!
Huh, Jesus Christ!
<i>Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.
Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead.
So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!
Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-
Just Like Us.
Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one.
Aw dude, this is really hard.
Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey.
Throw 'em away!
Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing.
Boys, what are you doing back here?
I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?!
Nothing.
What??
Nothin' Na- Due-nothing.
D'awww sick!
Gross dude!
Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking!
No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes.
Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'!
Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay.
And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, ih it's gonna be bad.
M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer.
M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad.
M'kay, and uh, eh, what?  What the?
Holy shit! M'kay?!
Oh! Jethuth Chritht!
...Woops.
Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!
We're sorry.
Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now.
Oh God...
Come on in.
Stanley, what did you do this time?!
You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!
Smoking?
No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker!
Mom...  Dad, it was just a-
I don't have a son!
Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks!
Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?
Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first.
This is really their fault.
Yeah. This is really their fault.
No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend,
...the tobacco companies are there to fill our childrens' heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.
Yeah, huh?  Ih, it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind-
No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!
Oh my goodness, I had no idea.  Are you okay, sweetie?
Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid!
I say we bring them down!
We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived.
Rob Reiner.
Who's Rob Reiner?
I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes,
I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art,
I forced smokers out of bars and parks,
...but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it.
Apparently, people still don't understand hwo bad smoking people is for them.
Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health?
Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?
According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.
Yeah, that must be it.
The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings,
they're the ones making music wanna smoke!
They're the ones hurting our nation's health!
I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards!
This is war!!
You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke.
Hwat??
Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.
Yeah, what's the problem?
Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know?
It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?
Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you?
Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.
Here he comes!
Damnit.
Butter!  Butter!
What'd he say?
Butter!!
Hello South Park!!
It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health!
And I'm gonna help ya!
These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco.
So I say, "We fight fire with fire!"
We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down!
Oh no...
All right kids, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper.
Once you're nside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos
...and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over
...to seduce you into smoking. Got it?
Got it!
But... isn't that, kind of, lying?
Mm.  Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field.
The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking.
If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back!
Oh my God!
Excuse me!
Yes?
Would you mind putting that death stick out?!
But, uh, this is a bar.
Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?
Not in Colorado
Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!
Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.
Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!
I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is!
Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here!
And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado!
There will be no more smoking here!
Isn't he awesome, you guys?
What??
Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol.
All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars!
As soon as we get into the mani facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids,
...and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?
Handle it?
For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
Heh, great.  Okay, now watch yourselves, kids.
These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking.
They are liars and they are frauds!
Can I help you?
Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour.
Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.
Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.
Well, come on in.
How about a little history first?
Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant.
They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.
Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.
Escuse me?
Oh, nothing! Please continue.
The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612.
Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
So, tobacco helped to build America.
That's right.
Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.
Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.
And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished.
Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965,
...when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages.
So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking.
And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.
That sound perfectly reasonable.
And here's our factory at work.
<i>With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
<i>We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
<i>So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
<i>And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
<i>I like to have a cigarehette every now and then
<i>It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end.
<i>And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care
<i>Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway?
<i>So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
<i>We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
<i>So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
<i>And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.
Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture.
Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!
What??
I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner!
And you've just been Reinered!
Come on boys, let's make our escape!
Don't you try and stop us!
Oh my God!
Hoh boy, that was great, kids.
Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.
Hah, you see that? They got into your head.
Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!
This is how we get rid of smokers.  We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!
It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them.
You are so awesome.
Here you go Bob. This is Mr. Baffrey.
He does all our Photoshop work.
Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands!
And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed!
But dude, you're making stuff up.
You kids need to understand something, okay?
Sometimes lying is okay. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do.
Oh my God, that is what I've always said. I love this guy!
Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
What?!  God-damnit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!
Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you.
Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof!
Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!
Wow, a commercial?
And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part.
All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!
God, he's just the best!
Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?
Guys, I think we shold bail out of this right now!
Huh?
This is just startin' to look like another one of those times where it, it's gonna end up with the whole town turning out,
it's a big showdown happening, and us havin' to talk about what we learned,
...and I say we just stop right now, and go play cards or something.
(Well yep, that's what I think.)
Yeah, maybe you're right.
So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh?
Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the game is on!
Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.
Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle.
That's your Serbian Jew double bluff.
Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either.
Ooops. didn't work, did it, Kyle?
No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.
"Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I.
Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say,
"How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?"
And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial.
That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't  gonna  work  on  me  ha  ha  ha.
Only one of us can be in the commecial, gentlemen. The game... is on.
Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the comemrcial tomorrow!
Thought you had me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, didn't you?!
Well let's see you try to open this door now.
What are you doing?
Oh... Hello, Kyle.
Oh man. Wait, this isn't my house.
Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow.
But I'm warning you, those anti-smoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want,
...and that means they're dangerous.
Nice try, Kyle! Let's see you try to get through the door now!
Okay Eric, this is going to be real simple.
All you gotta do is read the words on the TelePrompTer here.
Heh, ho-okay.
Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this.
All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Eric.
Heh, okay, okay.
You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills.
The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills.
I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.
I guess... I'm the proof.
The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me.
Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead.
Dead??
And cut! Great! We got it!
Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic.
Uh what... what does that mean, "I'll be dead"?
Hey, uh what, what was that "dead" part?"
That was very good, Eric. Here, eat this cupcake.
Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry.
But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
I'm not eating the cupcake.
Eric, do you know what a hero is?
A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others.
You can be a hero, Eric. All you have to do...
...is eat the cupcake.
Jesus Christ!
What are you doing, Cartman?
They're going to kill me!
Who's going to kill you?
The anti-smoking people!
They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and...
...now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!
Well, get away from us then.
Yeah dude, don't get us killed too.
You guys have to help me!
No dude, get away!
Please, you guys, I don't know what to do!
Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!
If I go, you guys go!
Daaaad!
What?
Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us.
Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent.
Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies.
Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe the tobacco company can help us!
Help you, fatass! We weren't in the commercial, remember?
Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong!
Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.
(Uh huh.)
You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off now! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company.
Oh all right.
No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves.
Even if it means getting grounded.
Why?
Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen.
They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something,
...and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned,
...and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!
So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks.
God-damnit!
Give us the child!
We will not!
There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid!
And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid,
...then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!
Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Wait a minute, what?
Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke!
And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it!
Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right.
Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain this again?!
Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay!
No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, I've learned something today.
You just hate-  See, I knew it.
Yup.
You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you.
And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!
GOD-DAMNIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us!
We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!
You're right, boys, m'kay?
Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
Yeah!!
Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out!
I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!
I don't idolize you anymore, asshole!
My goo! My precious goo!
So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?
No.
Well then, you are grounded, mister!
You too, Eric.

South Park S07E12 All About Mormons

Okay, children, let's take our seats.
We have a new student joining us today who has just moved here from Utah.
I want you all to say hi to Gary.
Hello, everbody. It's realy great to meet you all.
Gary was state champion in wrestling AND in tennis.
He also maintained a 4.0 grade point average at his old school
...AND has been on two national commercials for toothpaste.
I'm really excited to live in this town and share all kinds of great experiences with you,
...my new friends!
Oh, dude, what a little asshole!
Yeah, screw that kid!
All right, Gary, why don't you take that empty seat and we'll get started with the lesson?
Hey. My name's Gary.
Hi. My name's Eura. Eura Fag.
That's funny. You're cool, man.
Okay now, who can tell me what year the first astronauts landed on the moon?
Oh! Oh oh oh! Nineteen sixty nine!
Very good, Gary.
Wow, looks like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?
Dude, that new kid is such a douche!
Yeah. Somebody need sto put him in him place!
He's a peckerface, that's what he is!
Go kick his ass, Stan.
Yeah, go kick his ass.
Wull, maybe he won't fight.
Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that fuckin' smirk off his face!
Yeah, little bitch!
All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass.
Yeah! Go Stan! Go Stan!
All right, I've got five bucks on the other kid. Who wants in?
Oh hey there! You wanna kick the ball around with me?
No. I'm... I'm gonna kick your ass.
Scuse me?
I'm gonna kick your ass...  bitch.
How come you wanna fight me?
...Oh, I get it. I'm the new kid.
Yeah, I guess maybe I deserve it.
Huh?
It's really tough being in a totally new place, but I think all you guys are really cool so...
I understand if there's initiation rites.
Dude, stop it.
-Let him have it, Stan!
-Shut up, Butters!
The other kids are watching. Look, do what you gotta do. I won't fight back.
I just hope that maybe afterwards we can... try to be friends someday.
What are they doing?
They're just standing there, talking.
What happened?
I'm...  going over to his house for dinenr tonight.
What?! How did that happen?
He's a really nice kid.
You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butthole!
You're having dinenr with his family?
What kind of family has a kid like that?
Okay, my turn. Ooo, five! One two three four five.
Uh, awww, lost yor mortgage, pay ten thousand dollars! Oh no!
Hey, it's Gary!
Gary!
Great to see you!
How are you?
Hey everybody! This is my new friend Stan. Stan, this is my mom and dad.
Hi Stan!
It's so nice to meet you.
And this is my brother Mark.
Hi!
My sister Jenny.
Hey!
My little brother Dave.
Hi!
And my baby sister Amanda.
Hello Stan!
Well, it's great you could join us for Family Home Evening, Stan!
What's that?
That's when we don't allow any TV and just entertain each other with music and stories.
Doesn't your family ever do that?
No.
Hey kids! Why don't you grab your instruments and play a song for Stan!
-Oh yeah!
-All right! Let's play!
<i>Yeah yeah, yeah, I love my family!
<i>My family is the best!
<i>If we ever have to face a challenge.
<i>My family!
<i>can pass the test.
Oh boy! Who is the best Mom in the world??
All right! Go Dave!
Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs?
That's a great story, Sarah.
All right, kids, now how about we do some Scripture readings!
From the Book of Mormon!
All right!
The... Book of Mormon? What's that?
You know... the book that Joseph Smith found.
Who's Joseph Smith?
Only the most important person in the world.
You've never heard of him?
No!
Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad.
Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right.
All right, you rascals. Gather round.
Joseph Smith lived in a little American town in the early 1800s.
<i>Joseph Smith was called a prophet
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>He started the Mormon religion
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
There goes that kooky Joseph Smith
You know, he claims he spoke with God and Jesus.
Well, how do you know he didn't?
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Joseph Smith was called a prophet-
Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it.
Well it's true. I did.
Where?
I was out in the woods, praying.
I was asking God if I should be a Protestant, or a Catholic, or what?
And suddenly God and Jesus appeared before me.
And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right.
And that's exactly how it happened.
You see? You believe it now?
Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up?
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Many people believed Joseph
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>And that night he-ee saw an angel
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And please bless Mother and Father,
...and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies.
Oh my gosh!
I am Moroni. I am a Native American.
A...  Native American?
But your skin is white.
Yes. Long ago all Native American were white.
We all came to America from Jerusalem.
And while we were here we were visited by Christ.
Jesus live here in America?
Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel,
...and as punishment, God turned their skin red.
These are the Native Americans you know today.
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
There is an ancient book buried near here, written on gold plates that account my people's lives.
Also buried with the book are two seer stones, the Urim and Thummim,
...which will allow you to translate the writings.
Find it, and fulfill your destiny.
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Joseph Smith was called a prophet
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
And we all know what happened then, don't we?
Yeah! I know!
What happened then?
Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done!
Rice Crispy squares! Yay! All right! Rice Crispy squares!
Hey gang, let's wrap some more of them up in plastic wrap and hand them out to the poor!
Awesome! I can't wait!
You coming, Stan?
No, I was supposed to be home at eight.
Awww, that's too bad. Well, it was really nice meeting you, Stan.
Bye Stan!
Great to meet you!
Bye!
...Hello?
Oh, hi Stan.
Hey Dad, how come you never told me about Joseph Smith?
Who?
Shut up, turd! We're watching Friends!
The guy who spoke to God and Jesus.
Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually speak to people.
That's not what the Harrisons said.
Who are the Harrisons?
The new people that moved in down the street.
Mr. Harrison said that Joseph Smith spoke to God and Jesus and they told him none of the religions were right.
Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious kooks?!
They're not kooks, they're cool.
I mean, how come we never have a night where we don't watch any TV and we just... do stuff together and eat and drink?
We have that, Stan. It's called Friday Night Kegger.
But that's just you and your friends.
I said shut up, turd!
Mr. Harrison said that I should be followng Heavenly Father's plan, and I don't even know what that is.
All right, that does it!
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go have a talk with this "Mr. Harrison."
If he thinks he can fill my son's head with wacko religious crap, he's wrong!
Randy, don't cause trouble.
Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop!
I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Garrison's ass!
This, Mr. Garrison is, is a white guy, right?
Yeah.
Jyeah, I'm gonna go kick his ass!
God-damned religious kooks! Tell my son what to believe, will you?!
We'll see how you like my fist in your ass!
Hello!
Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?
I sure am.  The, the name's Gary.
Well, look, my kid was just over at your house and he a-
Oh, you're Stan's dad! It's so nice to finally meet you!
Karen! Mr. Marsh is here!
Uh, look, I just want to tell you that
Oh, Mr. Marsh! What a treat! It's so nice to meet you!
Well, thanks. Uh...
Karen just finished baking the most amazing Rice Crispy squares.
With chocolate frosting
Come on out of the cold. You've gotta try one. Or six.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have you over.
I hear you're a geologist. That is so amazing.
Look, uh, I actually came over because I'm a little concerned about some of the things you told my son.
Uh huh?
You know. About... God, and stuff.
Oooh... Oh boy... you think we were trying to convert him.
Well, I-
Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am sooo sorry.
We just moved here from Utah and we're so used to everyone being Mormon that we...
Oh, we forget not everyuone wants to hear about it. Oh boy, you must be furious!
Well, no, no, I just-
"You just heard your son talking about religious ideals that aren't your own and you said
"Who the heck do these people think they are?!"
I I'm really, truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It won't happen again.
Y-you can call me... Randy.
Randy, the last thing we want is for people to think we're pushing our religion.
We know there are a lot of beliefs out there and ours just works for us.
To each his own, right?
You know, to be honist, I've never known any Mormons. I, don't even know what you people believe.
Who was this Joseph Smith guy?
Why did he believe that Native Americans are actually white people from Jerusalem?
Well, because they found ancient books they had written on gold plates,
...right where the angel Moroni said they would be.
I found them! I found them!
You're not gonne believe it, everybody! I found them!
Found what?
Another New Testament of Jesus Christ!
What? What did he say? Are you crazy?
Last night, a Native America angel told me where I could find another testament of Jesus Christ,
so I went out to the woods.
I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look.
Maybe there isn't anything out here.
Wait a tick!  What's this?
Inside the stone box, I found the magical seer stones.
Under that, I found four gold plates written in strange writing.
This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites!
Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon.
Well, so where are they?
Where are what?
The gold plates and the seer stones. Where are they?
Oh. Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them.
You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again
...and said that I am not allowed to show the plates, or the seer stones, to anybody.
Because first I must translate what's written on the plates into English, so you can all read it!
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Wow, amazing!
<i>He found the stones and golden plates
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Even though nobody else ever saw them
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
So, how'd it go, Clubber Lange?
You kicked Mr. Harrison's ass?
Not exactly. We're uh, having their family over for dinner tomorrow night.
See? That's what happened to me!
Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph Smith found a new testament to the Bible buried here in America?
What are you talking about?
Well it's just that... the Harrisons are really nice people and...
you should see how loving and together their family is. I,
I think there's something to that religion.
That's what they made me think, too!
All right, that does it. From now on, our family is Mormon!
Hey Stan, how was your date last night with the new kid?
Shut up, dude. They're a nice family and... Gary is actually really smart and talented.
Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love.
Yeah. Did you make out with him, too?
What's the big deal? Can't I have other friends?
You guys should give Gary a chance.
Hey Stan.
Ohhh, here's Stan's little girlfriend now.
Hey guys. Stan, I remember you said last night that you'd lost your wallet, so I made you a new one.
I carved a picture of John Elway into the leather on the front.
Wow, you made this?
Awww, look at them. Aren't they so cute together?
Hey! My family's on their way over to the fire station to donate blood.
You wanna come along?
Un, I don't think so, Gary. I have to uh...
Oh here comes my family now!
Hey you guys!
Look, we painted our faces!
I'm a lion.
I'm an alien.
Hey, just what the heck am I supposed to be?
Oh my God...
You gonna come with us to the fire station, Stan?
Uh, no. I've got a lot to do.
Well... Gary, you wanna just hang out with your friend Stan?
Oh. Well, I'd like to, but... Oh man, I would miss you guys so much!
We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh.
Aw, we'll all see each other tonight when we go to Stan's house for dinner.
Stay and play with your friend, Gary.
Yeah. Have a good time, boys.
Let's go.
Our faces are painted.
Wow!
So what do you guys wanna do?
Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave you two lovebirds alone.
The three of us have to go put in some volunteer work at the homeless shelter.
Oh cool! I'm gonna do that tomorrow.
Eeheehee, Jesus Christ.
So hey, I heard your dad came over last night and he and my dad talked about Joseph Smith.
That's great!
Yyeah. I had a question about that Joseph Smith guy.
Sure.
What happened after he found the golden plates buried in the ground?
Well, he kept them hidden from everyone like he was told.
And then he translated what was written on the plates into the Book of Mormon.
Yeah, but... how?
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
What's this all about, Mr. Smith?
Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?
Well, sure I can.
I have, in my possession, an ancient book written on gold plates that tells of Jesus Christ's second coming.
Here, in America.
In America? Really? That sounds kind of...
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
It's true. And I'm going to translate the plates and publish it into a book for the whole world to read.
Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris,
...and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the publishing costs.
Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it?
With these.
Rocks?
They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel.
With them, God allowed me to translate the plates into English.
Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say.
Sit here. I have the golden plates here in this hat.
I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light.
Really?
Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat,
...the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you.
Wow!
"Ooo, I'm seeing the light.
Oh, okay. Write this down.
"And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites."
<i>And that's how the Book of Mormon was written
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.
One two three four. "Pay one thousand dollars property tax."
Isn't this great, you guys? Our first Family Home Evening.
I wanna watch TV.
We're not watching TV! We're Mormons now and we're having Family Home Evening!
Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith guy read the Book of Mormon out of a hat?
And? Your turn, Sharon.
It's just that... the Book of Mormon says a lot of strange stuff,
...like that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri.
Yes.
But school taught me that the first man and woman lived in Africa.
Well you can't believe everything school tells you, Stan.
Your turn, Shelley.
Oooo, that must be the Harrisons!
Hey everybody.
Wow, what a great house!
You must be Mrs. Marsh; it's so nice to meet youuu!
And you must be Stan's sister. Oh, I think your brother's the greatest.
My brother is a stupid turd.
Hey Stan.
Hey Gary.
Well, come on in and sit down, everybody. You're here just in time.
My son was having a little problem with our new religion.
Dad!
Ohohoho, really? Wel, that's just because he hasn't heard the best part about the Joseph Smith story!
The one that proves he was for real!
Yeah! Woohoo!
Ooo, what's that?
Well, you remember Martin Harris, the rich man who wrote down what Joseph Smith read out of the hat?
Yeah.
See, after he was done, he took some of the pages of what would become the Book of Mormon home.
<i>Martin went home to his wife
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
<i>And showed her pages from the Book of Mormon
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said.
I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book.
Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden plates?
<i>Lucy Harris smart smart smart
<i>Smart smart smart smart smart
Why would he make it up?
<i>Martin Harris dumb dadumb-
All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages.
If Joseph Smith really is translating off of golden plates, then he'll be able to do it again.
But if Joseph Smith is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these.
Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem.
<i>Lucy Harris smart smart smart
<i>Martin Harris dumb.
<i>So Martin went on back to Smith
<i>Said the pages had gone away
<i>Smith got mad and told Martin
<i>He needed to go pray
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Joe,
but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the plates.
I would love to, Martin, except, I just had a vision.
And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages.
He is??
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the plate of Lehi again.
He's... we must now translate from the plate of Nephi.
So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently.
Wow! If God got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth.
<i>Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
All right, Martin. Let's get to work!
And that's how it happened.
Yeah! All right!
...Wait. Mormons actually know this story and they still believe Joseph Smith was a prophet?
Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't it?
No, it proves he DID make it all up. Are you blind?
Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith.
No, it's a matter of logic!
If you're gonna say things that have been proven wrong, like that the first man and woman lived in Missouri,
...and that Native Americans came from Jerusalem, then you'd better have something to back it up.
All you've got are a bunch of stories about some asswipe who read plates nobody ever saw out of a hat,
...and then couldn't do it again when the translatios were hidden!
Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion.
I don't wanna be Mormon, Dad!
Me neither.
Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can believe whatever you want!
Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs.
Yeah! Hooray for the Marshes!
Oh, stop it!
That's another thing! Why do you have to be so freakin' nice all the time?! It isn't normal!
You just weasel people into your way of thinking by acting like the happiest family in the world
...and being so nice to everyone that you just blindside dumb people like my Dad!
Yeah!
Well kids...
Who's up for a water balloon fight?!
Yeah! All right!
Oh, hey Stan. Where's your best buddy, Gary?
I'm not hanging around that kid anymore.
Oh no! You guys broke up?
You guys were right, okay? The new kid's a douche.
Now I just gotta find a way to keep him away from me.
Hey Stan.
Oh brother.
Uh oh, the jilted lover returns.
Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me tryin' to be your friend anymore.
I don't?
Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense,
and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life.
and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that.
The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up,
because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people.
And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it.
All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan,
but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back.
You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy.
Suck my balls.
Damn, that kid is cool, huh