S13E14 Pee

"Pee"
CARTMAN:
# We're goin' to the water park #
# The water park,
the water park, #
# We're going
to the water park #
# Me and
all my best friends, #
# except for Kyle,
who I don't like, #
Okay, Cartman.
You can stop singing now.
This is gonna be
so awesome, dude.
I haven't been to the water park
in like, over a year!
What do you guys
wanna do first?
I hear they have
a new inner-tube slide.
No, dude.
We gotta do
the wave pool first.
It's so dope.
As long as there
aren't any minorities.
What are you
talking about, Eric?
You know, there's always like
five or six minorities wearing
their T-shirts in the wave pool.
Pisses me off.
We're here!
It's the water park.
I'm gonna pick you boys up
right here at 4:00, you got it?
Come on, let's go!
We got it, Dad.
Six adorable children, please.
Wave pool!
Wave pool!
Wave pool!
Oh, what the hell?
MINORITIES:
Whoa! Whoa!
Alright.
What do you guys
wanna ride first?
Well, Cartman said
he wanted to do the wave pool
first, right Cartman?
Forget it.
Just forget it!
- [water waves lapping]
- [people speaking indistinctly]
Dude, this is awesome!
You guys wanna see
how long I can
hold my breath under water?
Hey, fellas!
Fellas, hang on!
I gotta go
to the bathroom!
Okay.
Go ahead.
Okay, thanks!
I can seriously hold my breath
longer than anybody.
Somebody
time me alright.
- Okay!
- Alright. Check it out--
Butters-- Butters!
What the fuck?
Are you peeing
in the pool?
You said go ahead!
Come on, Kyle.
Let's check out the fireboats.
No, dude.
Butters' pee is in there!
Aw, come on.
Look at all this water.
It doesn't matter
if one person pees in it.
Yeah, come on, Kyle.
I am not the only person here
who's peed in the pool.
Lots a people do.
No, they don't.
Yeah, they do, Kyle.
To be perfectly frank,
I peed in the pool
about 25 seconds ago.
Dude!
Come on, show us how long
you can hold your breath!
No!
<i># What has happened
to this place #
<i># I don't recognize it
anymore #
<i># It used to be
so fun and special #
<i># What is life
worth living for? #
<i># The dream is dead,
Our land is gone #
<i># There's a hole in my heart #
<i># And I can't go on #
# There are too many
minorities #
<i># Minorities #
<i>- # At my water park #
- # My water park #
<i># This was our land,
our dream #
<i># And they've taken
it all away #
<i># They just keep
coming and coming #
<i>- # Minorities #
- # I tried to go and tell the police #
<i># But even the authorities #
<i># are minorities #
<i>- # At my water park #
- # At my water park #
<i># There's no place for me
to sit anymore #
<i># And the lines just keep
getting crazier #
<i># There are Mexicans
all around me #
<i># The Lazy River
has never been lazier #
<i># It's a 40-minute wait to go
down one slide #
<i># And the instructions in Spanish
on the Zipline Ride #
Guarde sus brazos y piernas
(Keep your arms and legs)
dentro del paseo siempre.
(on this long ride)
Just do it in English!
# There are too many
minorities #
# Too many #
- # At my water park #
- # Somebody do something #
# Where did they all
come from? #
# Why can't they leave
this land alone? #
- # And it's such a tragedy #
- # Feel a bit like dying #
# We've been lookin'
the other way too long #
# We've got
to change our priorities #
# And get all these minorities #
# Out of my water park #
- # Minorities #
- # Mexicans and Asians #
# Black people #
# I think I even saw #
# A Native American #
Gross.
# God, I'm asking please, #
# Get all of these minorities #
# out of my water park #
<i>My water park.
After this, you guys, wanna
hit the hurricane slides?
You bet!
I'm not getting back
in the water.
Oh, come on, Kyle.
Dude, I just found out that
everybody pees in pools.
Why would I go back?
Not everybody
pees in pools.
Do you pee in the pool?
Not today-- yet.
Aw, come on!
Well dude,
what are you gonna do?
Just hang out here
at the table all day?
Most likely.
You guys!
You guys, we have got problems
of Biblical proportions!
Dude, where have you been?
I've been counting.
Do you know
there are 205 Mexicans here?
And there are
109 black people.
So what?
So... guess
how many white people are
at the water park
today?
143.
There are actually more
minorities here than us.
Well, then they're not
minorities, are they?
What do you mean?
Dumb ass,
if there's 60% of them
to 40% of us,
then who's the minority?
The black and brown people.
No, you're the minority!
Do I look like a minority
to you, stupid?
Now look, guys,
I did some calculations.
Just last year,
there were almost
90% normal people
to minorities.
That's a 50% rise
in one year.
This is more math than
I've ever seen you do.
Because it's important!
A 50% rise each year
means that in three years,
the world will be
only minorities.
That's 2012.
The Mayans predicted this!
- The who?!
- The Mayans.
They knew that minorities
would take over the world
by the year 2012.
And now it's happening!
I'm going to go on
the slides.
Whoopie!
You guys?
You guys, we have to do
something to stop this!
Come on!
Well, looks like at least
you've got some sense
left in you, Kyle.
So what are we going to do
to keep the Mayans prediction
from coming true, buddy?
Blow it out your ass,
Cartman.
Eugene!
That is disgusting!
Did you just
pee in the pool?
Oh, come on!
Look how big this pool is.
One person peeing in it
isn't going to hurt anything.
Eww!
Oh my God!
Ah, gentlemen,
I am a-the Pipi.
How can I a-help you?
Pipi, we have some dire news
concerning your water park.
I've just finished
some tests.
The water in your park
is now 98% pee.
Yes?
So what's a-the problem?
Pipi, you know that
acceptable pee levels
in any water park
is 83%.
You have to shut down.
What?
I can't-a close down.
Now it's my biggest a-weekend!
Everyone is a-having
the fun!
You're endangering
peoples' lives!
If those pee levels hit 100%,
there's no telling
what will happen.
<i>And what proof do you have
that the pee levels will go up?
One in three people admit
they pee in pools.
Add another for people who do
but don't admit it,
that's two in three.
You've got just over
500 people out there.
That's 332 people about
to pee in your water.
Gentlemen, please-a.
I come-a from the Venice.
Venice is almost all pee,
and we do just a-fine.
We swim-a in the pee,
we sing-a in the pee.
You can't barge in here and
tell me that I have to close down
just because my water park
has-a too much pee.
You have
to evacuate people now!
He said he's not doing it!
And as his lawyer,
I advise you gentlemen,
to leave and take
your wild pee theories with you.
If one more person
urinates in your pool,
it could set off
a chain reaction.
Then the pee will be
on your hands.
Oh, boy, the waves are
startin' up again!
This is sweet, huh,
Kenny?
[water waves moving intensely]
W-What's that?
[screaming]
It's pee!
Look out for the pee!
Ah! Gross!
[everyone screaming
in unison]
- It's a-the pee!
- [woman screaming]
Oh, my God.
They killed Kenny!
Aw, sick!
I want
that entire water park
contained and quarantined
until I get some answers.
[police chatter in distance]
What's going on?
I told you people
to keep civilians back!
Sir, please,
my son is in there.
What's happened?
We don't know yet,
alright?
There's been a pee breach
and a lot of people are dead.
Now, I'm sorry but
you're gonna have to--
Captain, these two men claim
to know the situation.
We warnedthe owner of the park,
but he refused
to shut down.
This was inevitable.
- So this is all pee-related?
- Yes.
I tested the pH levels
this morning.
And?
It was almost all pee, no H.
Oh my God.
I've got to help him!
Stay back!
You can't just leave my son
in there with all that pee!
Sir, it's possible
with a crane,
we could help
any survivors out.
I think that would be
a very bad idea.
And why is that?
Anyone inside there is
contaminated.
We have reason to believe that
when people are exposed
to that much pee,
they change.
Change how?
Alright, bring in--
Bring in the monkey.
We've only tested the theory
on monkeys so far.
This monkey is healthy and
normal in every way.
But now watch.
[monkey howling]
My God, he's become
full of rage!
Ah!
Kyle, quick!
You gotta swim over
to us.
No way!
- You gotta swim over here, Kyle.
- Come on, Kyle!
Dude, that's all pee!
Well, if you don't swim in it,
you're gonna die.
I'll die
if I do swim in it.
Kyle, it's just pee.
It's not that big a deal.
Yes, it is a big deal!
Why do you think
everyone washes their hands
after they go
to the bathroom?
Well, not everyone washes
their hands
after they go
to the bathroom.
What?
Come on, dude,
you gotta swim.
You don't wash your hands
after going to the bathroom?
Not... all the time.
- That is gross!
- Why?
It's not like you're peeing
on your hands.
There's more germs
on most furniture
- than there is in pee.
- Yeah, if anything,
you should wash your hands
before you touch your wiener.
Kyle, come on!
God dammit!
Ah...
Oh...
[groaning]
Do you need
to wash your hands?
I can't hold on...
Help!
Help!
Here!
Hey kid,
grab this stick!
Yes!
Yes, help me!
Yes, help me.
I'm just a little boy.
You have to help me.
[groaning]
Are you okay?
Ha-ha. Yes.
Thank you.
Well, what are
we gonna do now?
We've got
to just wait it out.
WOMAN:
Yeah, but for how long?
MAN: We need to find something
to paddle with.
<i>CARTMAN:
Day one.
<i>It has happened.
<i>The Mayans were right.
<i>Only thing they got wrong
was the date.
<i>It is 2009 and I appear to be
the last of my species alive.
<i>Now it's just me, all alone,
<i>with minorities.
<i>What will the minorities
do with me?
<i>I'm sure that's what's on
all their minds.
I have to make myself
seem useful to them,
or they will
surely not let me live.
[clears throat]
Does anyone need
medical help?
I am a doctor.
Randy!
Randy, calm down!
I can't understand
what you're saying.
<i>It's the pee!
<i>It's all pee and
nobody can go in or out!
What is all pee?
Sharon, the water park
had a pee meltdown!
They think a lot of people
have died.
<i>What?
What about Stan?
<i>Is he okay?
I don't know!
The whole water park
has been quarantined.
They're worried anyone
left alive could be--
Some kind of raging
hate-filled mutants!
<i>Randy, you've got to
do something!
Calm down, Sharon.
Calm down!
They're trying
to find an antidote.
Once they believe
they can neutralize
the enraging affects
of the pee, they'll...
they'll go in
to look for survivors.
I said
keep the media out.
If the public
hears about this,
we'll have a full-scale panic
on our hands.
- [phone hangs up]
- Dammit!
Where is that antidote?
Here!
Here!
We think we have it, sir.
It's the best
we could come up with
in such a short time.
We aren't sure
of the ramifications,
but it does appear to neutralize
some particles of the urine.
Alright, let's test it.
Bring in the monkeys!
[monkeys howling]
Let's hope to Christ
this works.
[monkeys screaming more]
No, dammit no!
They're still angry!
This one's really angry.
It's out of control!
[cocks gun]
[gunshot]
Find an antidote
that works!
Dude, why aren't people
coming to help us?
I don't know.
Oh why...
Why didn't Pipi a-listen?
They tried to warn
a-the Pipi,
but a-Pipi
not believe them.
- [sobbing]
- Who are you?
Oh, I'm so sorry!
This is all-a my fault!
I should have-a
shut my water park down
when it reached
90% a-pee!
Yeah. Well,
people should know
that peeing in pools
is bad!
But wait-a!
Maybe you boys
a can-a help Pipi.
In-a the maintenance room-a,
there is
the emergency release valve.
If you open it, all-a this a pee
can be lowered!
Okay! Where's
the maintenance room?
That is a-the problem.
The maintenance room is a
way down on the basement level.
I would do it, but Pipi is
a no good at a-the swimming.
Somebody will have
to dive down into the pee,
then stay there
to turn the release wheel.
So who can hold-a
their breath the longest?
No!
You said you can hold
your breath the longest, Kyle.
Not in pee!
Please-a
you have to hurry.
I'll draw you
a-the map
and instructions
how to shut off a-the valve-a.
It'll be as easy as
a-peeing in the shower!
Oh, who pees
in the shower?
Well, it's not like if you
suddenly have to pee,
you're gonna get
out of the shower.
Yeah, seeing
all that running water
<i>always makes me
need to pee.
You don't pee
in the shower, dude!
That's fucking disgusting!
Boys-a please!
We've got to get this boy
to-a that drainage valve
or we're all a-gonna die.
Jesus Christ!
<i>It has been many, many hours
since the apocalypse,
<i>and all I keep thinking
is "Why me?"
<i>Why am I the only one
of my race
<i>God chose to survive in this
minority-run world?
<i>When the smoke
has cleared,
<i>I'm sure the minorities
will start rebuilding.
<i>Building the world
in their way.
<i>I can see it now.
No...
Alright, Eric Cartman.
Let's hear your book report.
<i>I read Treasure Island
because I was so happy
when I saw that movie.
Hey!
You're living in a minority
speaking country now.
Say it right.
Because I was so happy
when I seen that movie.
- Good.
- No...
<i>Trying to find a job
will be even harder.
You don't expect to make
the same amount of money
that minorities make,
do you?
Well, I do just
as much work...
Ha ha.
You're trash around here.
You'll never make as much
as a minority.
No...
<i>Eventually, the minorities will
do away with me all together.
All those in favor of putting
white people in camps?
ALL: Aye!
All those opposed?
No...
The minorities win!
No!
No, I don't want to live in your world,
do you understand?
Your world is cold and void
of any humanity.
Just kill me.
Kill me now!
Do it!
Okay, there--
We are almost
a-ready for the diving.
Now if you run a-into
the any problems,
you just tug a-three times
on the cable
and a-Pipi will a-pull you back
a-to the surface.
Let's just get
this over with.
You got a the map-a and
a-Pipi's instructions.
- Yes.
- Good.
Now just-a
one last thing.
You need
to drink some-a pee.
What?
You just need to drink about
a three cups-a pee.
Why?
You swim a down-a
deep in the pee,
you get a-the pressure.
The benz-a!
You have to fill the inside of
your body with some a-pee
to compensate.
<i>That's true, dude.
Didn't you see the Abyss?
I am not.
<i>Not drinking pee.
But only you can a-hold
the breath
a long time to swim down
and release a-the valve
and-a if you get a the benz-a,
then you a fail
and we all a-die!
Just drink the pee, Kyle.
Please, Kyle.
I wanna go home.
What's a-the problem?
When a-you pee, either in
the toilet or in a-the shower,
it all goes to the sewer.
The sewer all a-goes
to the ocean.
The ocean is the water
we all a-drink.
You are always
drinking the pee!
That doesn't make me
feel better!
I wouldn't even be able
to keep it down.
Sure you will!
You drank only pee
for nine months
when you lived in
a-your mother's belly.
No!
Make way! Make way!
I need to speak
to the fire marshal!
Sir!
Sir, I just got off the phone
with my colleagues
at the university.
They've also been testing
antidotes on monkeys.
They're claiming that
they've had success,
<i>using simple musa acuminata.
Wait.
You mean a banana.
Yes.
Is it possible?
The antidote is something
as simple as a banana?
Get another monkey!
Alright, Conners.
[monkey making noises]
Holy God! It works.
Alright.
Let's start moving in everyone!
- Check for--
- Hold on!
It is a promising lead,
but this antidote
hasn't yet been tested
on a human.
I'll do it.
You can test
the antidote on me.
You sure
you want to do this?
Give me the banana.
[munching]
Agh.
[groaning extensively]
He looks agitated.
He's losin' it!
Stevens, your gun!
No, wait!
Wait.
I'm okay.
He's alright!
The banana worked!
Come on, dude.
I'm thinking about it!
Well, it's probably b-b-better
if you don't think
about it, Kyle.
There's no more time-a!
You have
to drink a-the pee now!
[gulping]
Come on, you have
to drink all a-the pee!
You can do it, Kyle!
- Ah! [glass breaks]
- Alright-a!
Now you can open
a-the release-a valve.
Okay, so lets-a--
Hey, look!
Stan!
Alright, they finally
came for us!
Are you fucking
kidding me?!
[cheering]
[police chatter]
[helicopter whirring overhead]
Wait here
a minute, Stan.
I'm going
to call your mother.
Guys?
Guys!
Oh, it's true!
You all did survive!
Aw, you lived?
Oh my God, you guys!
I really thought I was
the only non-minority on Earth!
How many of
our species survived?
That wasn't a Mayan apocalypse,
you racist idiot!
It wasn't?
So then you mean...
We do have until 2012.
Well, it may be only
three years,
but I intend to live those
precious years to the fullest!
Will somebody just get me
to a hospital?
I need to get
my stomach pumped.
Aw, come on.
It was just a little pee, Kyle.
God dammit,
don't you get it?
I hate pee!
I'm grossed out
by pee!
The only thing I find more
disgusting than pee is bananas!
Alright everyone, quick!
Here you go!
What's this?
You all need to eat
your banana immediately!
What the hell for?
Eat the banana
or we have to put you down!
Transcript: LeapinLar
[OpenSubtitles.org]
Sync and Edits: VeRdiKT
[Subscene.com / Addic7ed.com]