S11E14 The List

Fellas! Fellas!
It's - Oh my god!
You're not gonna believe this!
Dude, Butters, calm down.
Okay. Okay.
I was talking to Pete Wetchney,
and he said that Danny Chadwick
said that his sister told him that
the girls in our class have a list
that rates every boy's
looks from cutest to ugliest.
So who do they say is the cutest?
I donno.
Who do they say is the ugliest?
I don't know. Ih it's like a girl thing.
They won't let anybody see the list but them.
They can't do that. Who are
they to judge us on how we look?
Yeah. You think they rate us just for
looks, or they take personality into account?
If it's just looks
then I think I'm safe.
You guys, who cares if the
girls make some stupid list?
Girls make dumb lists all the time.
"Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it; we
have better things to worry about. "
You're just saying that because you know
you're gonna be very last on the list!
Oh please, I don't think so, Craig!
Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!
You don't think they put the
fat tub of tard at the bottom?
No, because people know
I'm not fat! I'm buff.
They probably put you at the bottom of
the list because you have fucked up teeath!
Or Kenny's 'caure his poor.
Kenny, face it:
Girls don't wanna Pop Tarts for dinner
every night when they get married.
You don't think they said I'm the
ugliest boy in the class, do ya?
Well if they did, my
parents will ground me.
You guys,
do you really care what a bunch of gilrs
have to say about how you rank in looks?!
All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
What?
You know what I'm talking about, bitch!
The list where you rate the
looks of each boy in the class!
That's not for boys to look at! It's a
secret girl list and YOU can't see it!
Craig is on the bottom, right?
Or is it Kenny 'cause you'd be eating
Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him.
I'm not... telling!
And anyway, I'm not the
list keeper, Nelly is!
And Nelly will never let
you look at it, so there!
Fuck you Bebe! Fuck you bitch!
Well, I guess we're never gonna
get that list from the girls.
Screw that, dude! We're
guys. We can outthink them.
All right, here's what we know.
That chick Nelly is the one who's
in charge of holding the list, right.
She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee
folder, and we need a plan to get it from her.
This is what I call "Operation:
Cannot Possibly Fail"
Neato!
At 1. p. m. tomorrow, Nelly will have
to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies.
That's our best time to strike.
As she makes her way through Hallway 3,
Craig will be ready with
a distraction device here.
When she stops and turns to
Craig in the hallway, Butters
will run up and kick her in the balls.
O- kay!
Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll
fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee,
and Kenny will swoop in
from Corridor 3-Delta,
and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good?
Ow! What'dja do that for?!
Hey, what's your problem, asshole?!
Bail, bail!
Okay, our mission failed,
but we've learned a lot.
Primarily that girls do not have balls.
They sure don't.
"Never mind, because
we are going to Plan B,
one that I call "Operation: Cannot
Possibly Fail A Second Time. "
When Nelly leaves the
cafeteria for recess,
Kenny will jump in front of
her and spit on the ground. "
You think maybe girls keep their
balls on the inside of their tummies?
Butters, we're done talkin' about
girls' balls right now! Pay attention!
We got it! We got it!
We got the list from the girls!
Give that back you dirty buttholes!
Tape it to the wall, Kenny!
Jason, watch the door!
All right, hurry! Get it
up there! Let's see it!
Is it set up?
It's listed in order from cutest
to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
Me? I'm the cutest?
And then Token, and then me.
I'm number two? Wow.
Come on, let me see!
Oh boy! I'm number
11! Whoopie! Number 11!
Ah! Look at that! I'm
hotter than you, fatso!
What?! That's bullcrap!
Oh, so big deal, guys!
Do you feel better now?
Clyde's the best
looking kid in the class.
And then Token and Stan, and
last is Francis, Cartman, and...
Me?
You're last, dude!
No way.
Yes way! Check it out!
Cartman, lay off! You're next to last.
So? I'm hotter than Kyle.
I'm better looking than Kyyyle! Yes!
I'm hotter than Kyyyle!
I'm hotter than Kyyyle!
I'm last? Last?
Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?
I got voted the ugliest
boy in the whole class?
Who cares what dumb girls think, right?
Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid
in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!
Well good for you, Butters.
Way to go, champ.
Whoopie!
Well, guess we don't have to ground him.
Kyle, what's the matter? You
barely touched your knishes.
The... girls at school. They made
a list and voted me the ugliest boy.
Wwwhat? That's ridiculous. My
little bubbeleh is adorable!
Llook, I know I'm not the
best-looking guy in town,
but I I didn't think
I was the very ugliest.
You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect
little man. You look just like your father.
Oh God! I do?
But he has his mother's nose.
Ahahah!
Kyle, you are very handsome
and perfect in every way.
Ike, Ike, you have to be
honest. Am I ugly, yes or no?
You ALL think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ,
the least you could have done is told me!
Kyle, come back here!
I'm better-looking than you! The girls
think I'm better-looking than you, Kyle!
Dude, Kyle. Can you hear me?
They totally think I'm
hotter than you are.
Kyle! Kyle, I'm more attractive. Kyle?
Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed.
Hey, what's goin' on?
What's goin on? Hey.
Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on?
Nice.
- Hey, what's goin' on?
- Hey Clyde.
- Hey.
- Hi Clyde.
What's goin' on?
Hey ugly!
Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't
matter what people think, okay?
You know, Abraham Lincoln was pretty
ugly too, but look what he accomplished.
Chin up, cowboy.
Hey, what's goin' on?
Oh, not much, just hanging around-
Hey, nice... nice
ears, haha. Pizza Face!
Butters, that's not cool, man.
He can't help how he looks.
Kyle, I was going to suggest
that maybe you should...
hang out with the other
ugly kids in the school.
Because if you hang out with them,
you won't stand out so much. Right?
Cool.
Hey.
Hello.
Are you going to eat your pickle?
Could somebody toss the football back?
It's over there next to the ugly kids.
I hate coming to this
school. It makes me angry.
Yeah.
Sometimes I just want to burn it down.
Burn the whole school down to the ground!
No. You know what? Screw
this! We aren't ugly!
We're not?
No! Maybe we all just need a little
image change, you know? Like a makeover.
Hey yeah.
Like you! Maybe you just
need to let your hair down.
And let's see how you
look without those glasses.
Llet's just... put those back on.
I know, that song is so awesome.
Uh Wendy. Could I talk to you?
Of course, Stan.
Just for a minute. Over here.
You think he's gonna beg
her to come back to him?
This is a nice surprise. I thought
you were never speaking to me again.
Yeah well, I wanna talk to you
about this list you girls made.
Which one? We make lists all the time.
The one where you rated the
boys' looks in the class.
Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay?
How could you vote him the ugliest?
Look, personally, I didn't
vote him the ugliest.
My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough
of the other girls must have felt he was-
So it wasn't unanimous. Maybe
you can just change the list.
Change the list?!
Do you have any idea
what that would take?!
Maybe you don't understand how
important list-making is to girls!
It's just not something we do
flippantly! There's protocol!
Can't we just talk to all
the girls who made the list
and find out why they voted Kyle last?
All right, I'll try and get you into our next
list-making meeting. But it won't be easy.
Today's list meeting is called to
order. Rebecca, you have the floor.
If it pleases and sparkles I suggest
we continue deliberations on List 47D:
Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse?
Rebecca moves we work on List 47D.
Does that sparkle with all the girls?
Sunshine.
"Deliberating "Which Girl Has The
Cutest Purse"? Milly has the floor. "
If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to
submit that Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest.
Definitely cuter than Teresa's.
I don't think anyone here disagrees that
Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's,
but it doesn't make it the cutest.
The committee has already
decided that nothing with stripes
can be in the Top 5 cutest purses.
Sunshine sparkle Wendy has the floor.
If it pleases and sparkles, I
would like to suggest that we...
That we reopen last
week's list for debate.
What'd she say? She's gotta be kidding!
Is she crazy?
All right, all right, come
before the Rainbow Railing.
Go ahead.
Aaah, I was just thinking that maybe you
voted a little... hastily on the cutest boy?
You thought you should be number one?
NO.
Let me assure you that no list
is made hastily by this committee!
He didn't mean that.
He was just saying maybe we should
open it up again for discussion.
I cannot by Sparkle Law move to
have an old list investigated.
However, if you can find recourse
for such an inquiry, Wendy,
I would review it. Does that
sparkle with all the girls?
Sunshine.
They all laugh at me! And the
girls giggle behind my back!
unable to even glance
at my disfigured face.
Do not burn down the school, Kyle.
Who said that?
I did.
Do you know who I am?
Abraham Lincoln?
I am Abraham Lincoln.
Burning down the school
will not solve your problems.
You think you've been
cheated because you are ugly,
but I am here to show you otherwise.
Come! There is much to see.
I want you to look in here.
This woman is Nancy Pinkerton.
As a child she was consistently the
most beautiful girl in her entire school.
Her life as a youth was filled with
praises, and everything being handed to her.
Boys told her she was special.
She was funny. She was interesting.
But that's only because she was hot.
It wasn't until she reached age
40, when her looks started to fade,
that she learned she was actually about as
interesting and special, as a wet carrot.
This is the home of your
new ugly friend, Yamal.
Because he's ugly, he
gets nothing handed to him.
He has to work at making
something of himself.
But that work is gonna
pay off when he's an adult.
He will have character, something
that kids who are hot rarely develop.
Like your classmate, Clyde.
Now that he knows he's good-looking,
he doesn't have to make
any effort to be special.
Naw, Rebecca's just a friend.
I wanna be with you now.
Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too.
Now his life will be about girls.
Chatting with them on the
phone and buying them shoes.
He will most likely marry very young,
and not realize until age
40 that he's a total douche.
And so you see, Kyle, it is actually
the beautiful kids that are cursed.
But I can't wait to be an adult to
be happy. That's forever from now.
You must be patient.
Just take me home! I don't wanna
be here anymore! Take me home!
Very well.
Kyle, you need to think
about what I've told you.
I don't want to! I don't want anybody
telling me how to feel anymore!
Well then you're just a fucking asshole!
Wait a minute. Wait, Stan,
I think I've got something!
Take a look at this: during final
deliberation of the list for cutest boy,
seven girls gave Clyde a glitter
rating of only one sparkle.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
It doesn't add up.
It is possible that
Rebecca made a mistake when
she tallied the sunshine
votes onto the final list.
Oh, hey Wendy.
Hey Rebecca. Do you still have the voter
cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?
Oho Wendy, we're done with that list.
I know, but I think
there's been a mistake.
Six of the girls I've talked
to didn't vote Clyde the cutest.
That means that mathematically
he should have been-
All right, you need to
stop. Digging. Around, Wendy!
You might not like... what you find!
Just back off and stop asking questions!
You're getting close to a secret
that I don't think you can handle!
Let it... go!
That didn't sparkle with her, did it?
One canister of propane,
six cans of lighter fluid,
seven gallons of high-octane kerosene,
and a box of matches.
Okay, is that everything, little boy?
That should just about do it.
Do you like to put this on
your True-Value card today?
Nonorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary,
I believe a member of our committee
has tampered with one of our lists.
I've compiled a full report,
and it turns out that nobody voted
Clude the cutest in the class.
I believe Rebecca changed the
list to make him number one.
Why would she do that?
Right after the list was made,
Rebecca started going out with Clyde.
You can read all the discrepancies
here. We need to remake that list.
You just couldn't let it go!
Uh, what do you mean? Call the girls in.
I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy!
Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's
father own the shoe store at the mall?
A lot of us have always wanted
to date Clyde to get free shoes,
but we couldn't, because
he wasn't popular enough.
You knew!
Unfortunately, the members voted
Clyde in the bottom five of the list!
That's why we had to
manipulate the votes,
forge a new list,
and... hide the real one!
So that you all could justify
dating Clyde and get shoes?!
How dare you take
advantage of your position!
I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both
disbarred from the list committee!
Bebe?! Who do you think
authorized the buyout?!
No. Not Bebe.
She's dating Clyde now. Nobody
loves shoes more than her.
What's going on?
When the other girls find out you
ignored their votes, they're gonna-
Do you really think they'll believe
you over the heads of the committee?!
We'll simple generate a new list!
"Biggest Liars"! And
put you at the top!
Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let
it go! And keep your little mouth shut!
I don't think so!
Stan, run!
Jesus, dude!
Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle?
We've looked everywhere and
we have to show him something.
He's burning down the school.
What?
He said he gonna burn the
school down to the ground.
All the cruel jokes and
ridicule will finally be over!
Are you happy now, God?!
YOU made me look like this!
Kyle! Kyle, don't!
Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know
how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!
The list was a forgery, Kyle!
Huh?
It didn't sparkle with all the
girls. We have the real list.
That's about far enough!
Give me that list, Wendy!
Stan, what is going on?!
It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls
wanted shoes, so they set you up.
Kyle was simple a casualty!
To move Clyde meant that Craig
has to be moved to number twelve,
which moved Jimmy down
and moved Jason up!
So what number was I?
You've compromised everything!
Our lists' integrity!
Did you seeee these shoes,
Wendy?! They're incredible!
"It doesn't matter how
incredible they are; you can't
- Oh my God, those are amazing. "
Right?
Is that a lace across the top?
No, it's a little strap.
Wendy?
Oh, but it doesn't matter.
You took it too far!
If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on
us, this would have just gone away!
She's gonna kill us?
It's too late, Bebe.
I've already made a full report and sent
a copy to the police. People will know.
Oh please, you're lying.
Give it up, Bebe. We know all
about it. The list was compromised.
Kyle Broflovski is not the
ugliest boy in the class.
Wendy!
Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong.
You can explain all that downtown.
Here, Kyle. We've
been through a lot, but,
you can finally see where
you really are on the list.
Are you sure you're
okay with this, Kyle?
I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right:
I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking
and become a total shithead when I grow up.
...Abe Lincoln?
Stan, it's been really great
hanging out with you again.
I feel like you've changed
somehow. In a really awesome way.
Yeah well, I guess a lot of
things... change, don't they?