S12E10 Pandemic (Part 1)

South Park
Season 12 Episode 10
I don't get it, Kenny. Why did you
buy razors and shaving cream?
'Cuz, dude,
I'm gonna shave my balls.
Shave your balls?
Why would you shave your balls?
Because girls like shaved balls.
- Girls like shaved balls?
- Yes, they do.
What girl is gonna see your balls?
I don't know.
Oh, jesus, there's another one!
Another pan flute band.
Have you noticed there's bands
like this everywhere you go lately?
I saw like three of those
bands down in Denver yesterday.
All their crappy music
sounds the same.
I'm so sick of hearing
this music everywhere I go!
I think Kenny likes it.
- I gotta get home for dinner.
- Yeah, me too.
God!
- Shut up already!
- I'm outta here. See you guys.
<i>Tonight, the travel
channel takes you to london!
<i>London has something for everyone.
<i>Sights. Theater.
And wonderful street performers.
- They're in london, too?
- Hey, time for dinner, guys.
- All right, kids. Dig in.
- Where's dad?
He's upstairs videotaping your
grandfather in the bathtub.
Why?
Because ever since your father
got this stupid video camera,
he thinks he has to film
everything the family does.
All right, here we are! Marsh family
gathered for another dinner.
Randy, we have plenty
of video of us eating dinner.
- There's Shelley.
- You excited about dinner, Shelley?
Turn it off, dad!
Oh, look! Stan's eating a tater tot.
Wave to the camera, Stan!
Jesus Christ!
Oh, neat-o! It's one of those
Peruvian pan flute bands!
Stan, go out and stand with 'em
so I can get a shot.
I will play this card
to move Kyle back seven spaces.
Screw you, Kyle.
- And all right, your turn, Kenny.
- You guys! You guys, check this out.
I saw another Peruvian flute
band outside my house last night!
So?
So I just sat there and
watched them for a while.
Guess how much money they
made selling their crappy cds?
- How much?
- Over $200 bucks!
- $200?
- Really, are you sure?
I'm starting to realize it's like the
easiest job in the world.
You know? I mean we could do that!
- Become a Peruvian flute band?
- Yeah! Why not?
We get instruments and costumes
and then make some crappy
pan flute music cds on my computer.
Oh, my God! We're gonna make
so much money, you guys!
But where are we gonna get the money
to buy costumes and instruments?
Craig, dude, how you doing, bro?
- Fine.
- Oh, cool. Awesome!
Remember you were telling us
how your grandma gave you
$100 bucks for your birthday?
Craig, how would you like to
turn that $100 into $1,000?
Come on in, Craig,
have a seat! Welcome.
What do you want?
Craig, we have chosen you to
join our Peruvian flute band!
Oh, all right, Craig!
Like those guys you
see at all the tourist spots?
There's a reason they're everywhere,
Craig. Because they make bank.
We just need your money to buy
instruments and make cds.
And we'll double your money
in one afternoon.
You guys never hang out with me,
you never invite me to do stuff,
but now you want me to be in a band
with you because my gran gave me $100.
Craig, don't be an asshole.
I go get the money.
All right, guys. Just like we
rehearsed it! You ready, Craig?
All right, let's jam!
And a one, and a two, and a...
Wow, that's such cultural music.
Very cultural, yes.
<i>Por favor, buy our cds de musica!
<i>Gracias!
How cultural!
This is awesome!
You see, Craig?
You guys can't play here.
We were here first!
<i>No trabajar aqui! Vaya!
<i>No playa la musica en la
promenade! No es bueno!
This is our Peruvian flute
band's turf. You got that?
<i>- Goddammit!
- No! No es bueno!
Come on, guys!
Jesus christ!
<i>No! No es bueno! No trabajar aqui!
Ladies and gentlemen, our nation
and our world is facing an economic
and ecological crisis
of disastrous proportions.
I'm talking of course
about Peruvian flute bands.
The red dots indicate where the highest
concentration of Peruvian bands are.
All over the world, wherever
there are tourists or shoppers,
there are now on average
65 Peruvian flute bands
per square kilometer.
General?
France, Japan, and the northeastern US
are currently the hardest hit.
Make no mistake...
this is a pan flute epidemic.
A pandemic?
Three countries in Asia,
and seven in Europe
have already asked for our help in
getting rid of their Peruvian bands.
We will need every resource
available to see this through.
Excuse me, but aid other countries?
Senator?
With all due respect, we need to be
dealing with our own pan flute bands.
Let other countries
fend for themselves.
You heartless bastard.
This country was founded on
beliefs in freedom and integrity.
And we will not sit back
and do nothing
while less fortunate countries
are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands.
Is that clear?
As director of homeland security,
I am taking control of the military
until the crisis is contained.
Go, go!
Serves you right, assholes.
Let's go! Let's go!
- One more over here!
- Let's go get 'em out!
Clear out. Move! This is a homeland
security operation, people. Let's go!
Hey, back off!
Make sure all pan flute
music cds are contained.
There's Sharon and Shelley.
They're watching some television.
Wave to the camera, Shelley!
What are you watching, guys?
The news.
We're watching the news.
That's the tv in our living room.
Still showing commercials right now.
What you think about
the television, Shelley?
The news is starting!
<i>The government efforts to stop
the Peruvian flute band crisis
<i>are now in their third day.
<i>All over the world, flute bands
have been removed and quarantined,
<i>but more may still be out there.
<i>Homeland security is requesting that
if you see one, do not approach it.
<i>Mark down the band's location
<i>and do not under any circumstances
buy their cds.
The flute bands contained
are being taken to a quarantine area
in Miami.
- Excuse us.
- Hello?
Excuse me, sir?
Sir, there's been a misunderstanding.
Could I talk to you for a minute?
Sir, sir, could we talk
to you for just a second?
Get back! I'm not buying
any of your damn cds!
There's been a big misunderstanding.
We actually respect a...
I said I'm not buying any god
damn cds today! You got that?
I'm sick of it!
<i>Señor! Comprar cd la musica?
Jesus christ! He shot that guy!
You know that money your grandma
gave you for your birthday?
How would you like to invest
in a Peruvian flute band?
You can double your
money in one afternoon.
Come on, Craig. Don't be an asshole.
Attention, Peruvian flute bands...
<i>Attenciones, bandas de flauta peru.
We appreciate
your cooperation and patience.
<i>Cooporation y paciencia
es apreciado!
Tomorrow, you will be
boarding ships.
<i>Manana, sera el ambarque de barcos!
Which will take you
to Guantanamo bay.
<i>Que le llevara a bahia Guantanamo!
Where you will spend
the rest of your lives.
<i>Donde pasar el resto
de sus vidas! Gracias!
Guantanamo bay?
We can't go to Guantanamo bay!
Don't worry.
I'm sure our parents are freaking
out right now trying to find us.
Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker,
our boys were last seen
hanging out with your son Craig.
Do you have any idea
where they could have gone?
No! I'm telling you this
isn't like Craig at all.
- I'm really worried!
- You've checked with the police?
Nobody knows anything.
It's like the boys just vanished.
None of the other kids
have seen them since the...
Randy, will you put that thing down!
What is wrong with you?
Our son is missing!
I'm worried about him too.
Well, then stop being
an idiot and help!
Maybe the boys all ran away.
Were any of your boys
upset about anything?
All we know is they were seen hanging
out with Craig and now they're gone.
This is exactly why I've told
Kyle not to hang around that boy!
What is that supposed to mean?
To be honest, mrs. Tucker, we think
Craig is a bad influence on our boys.
Now wait just a minute!
I'm just saying that your son
has some problems.
Like every kid doesn't
have problems!
Obviously Craig has gotten
them into some kind of trouble!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, this is good!
Sir, good news.
Looks like we did it.
Every major city is reporting zero
Peruvian flute bands. We got 'em all.
All right! We did it! Thank God!
Calm down, people.
We still have work to do.
We have to take out the place
these flute bands came from,
so they never come again.
We don't know
where they came from, sir.
We've been researching,
but we can't figure it out.
Well, think about it, idiot.
Where else would Peruvian
flute bands come from?
The country is in the name!
No, sir, we checked the entire map.
There isn't a country
called "Peruvian" anywhere.
Not "Peruvian", retards.
Peru! It's right here!
Peru.
Now I want a plan in place to
take Peru out once and for all.
Is that really necessary, sir?
Seems a little extreme.
Peruvian bands will never
stop annoying us
unless they are stopped
at the source!
Sir, you better come quick.
One of the pan flute bands
was caught trying to escape.
You see? Goddammit!
"The llama brothers.
Tapas and moodscapes."
This is a mistake, sir.
We aren't really a Peruvian flute band.
Right. You just play
pan flute music at the mall
and sell CDs of you with an llama
but you're not a Peruvian flute band.
We're just kids, you know?
We were trying to make some money.
We just want to go home!
Sir, please. I'm supposed to get
laid for the first time on Saturday.
Which tourist location
were they playing at?
An outdoor mall in Colorado.
Look, we're from Colorado.
We grew up in the United States!
- We speak english!
- And we're white!
Let me talk to you guys out here.
- What do you think?
- I don't know what to make of it, sir.
It's like nothing
I've ever seen before.
Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band
and yet they aren't.
They play pan flute music like
the others, but they talk and act like
- one of us.
- I agree.
They are obviously
some kind of hybrid.
A hybrid? How is that possible?
Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated
- with one of our females.
- Who knows?
However, they came to be, they're about
the only piece of good luck
- we've had.
- Sir?
If they are the hybrid
we're talking about,
then they could be our way
of taking out Peru once and for all.
Do you guys know why nobody else
at school likes hanging out with you?
Because you're always doing
stuff like this.
You're always coming up
with some stupid idea to do something
and then it backfires and then
you end up in a foreign country
or in outer space or something.
That's why nobody likes
hanging out with you guys.
You're being extremely negative.
All right, here's the deal.
Maybe you are on our side and maybe
you aren't, but if you help us,
- we'll get you home.
- Help you how?
You are able to walk amongst
the Peruvian flute bands.
They see you as one of them. We are
going to send you to their capital.
Can we please just go home, sir?
We still don't know
who's side you're on!
You do this and we'll know.
You leave for Peru in the morning.
- I am not going to Peru! Not Peru!
- Calm down.
You know I can't go there!
One of our friends was raped in Peru.
It was very traumatic.
You don't have a choice.
Either you go to Peru, or you get locked
up forever with the other flute bands.
Thompson, can you come over here?
The flute band players won't
shut up about something
<i>- and I can't understand them.
- Por favor! No podemos ir!
<i>Estamos aqui para proteger
a ustedes!
<i>- Si, no podemis ir!
- Que son protectores.
They're saying something like
you can't send us away.
- We are the protectors.
- Protectors from what?
<i>La muerte peludo!
<i>La muerte peludo!
- What does that mean?
- I think he said,
"the furry death."
<i>La muerte peludo!
<i>La muerte peludo!
<i>This is CNN.
The last of the Peruvian flute bands
have successfully been eradicated
from every part of the world.
Paul Harris is at the shopping
promenade. And Paul,
pretty nice not having any Peruvian
flute music there i suspect?
Really welcome silence, Tom.
There hasn't been a Peruvian pan
flute band in sight for days now
and everyone has really
been enjoying the peace.
The world can breathe a collective sigh
of relief now as we thank the...
What the...?
Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ!
There's something else here!
It's not a Peruvian flute band.
It's...
Oh, my god. What is that thing?
What are you seeing?
It's furry.
It's very furry!
Okay. Obviously something
different has shown up.
Did he say "furry"?
Okay, we are experiencing some...
My god! What is that thing?
All right. We're about
800 kilometers from Peru.
There will be a truck
to take you inside the border
where you'll be briefed
on mission specifics.
Was there ever a moment
when you first came up with the genius
plan to become a Peruvian flute band
that any of you said,
"hey, you know,
"this plan might backfire?"
That never occurs to you.
Because you guys are jerks
and you never learn from your mistakes.
And that's why everyone at school
thinks you guys are assholes.
That's not true!
Kids at school like us!
- Don't they?
- Dude, kids at school totally like us.
Craig's just being a dick because
we're having a tough time right now.
I'm being a dick.
Yes!
You guys took my birthday money,
got me arrested and sent to Miami
with no way home except
to take down the county of Peru
and I'm being a dick.
- There's no talking to this guy.
- All right, fine. When we get back home
we'll get you your money back,
and never talk to you again. How's that?
That would be great. Thank you.
This is wrong.
This just doesn't make any sense.
Why would homeland security
send us into Peru?
Because they were starting
to take over the world?
I don't know. I just feel like
there's got to be
something else going on here.
Please, I don't know where else to turn.
The police haven't been any help.
I think our boys might really be
in trouble this time.
Yes, please check
and call me right back. Thank you.
Randy, I swear to god
if you don't put that thing away...
You're going to be glad I have
all this footage of the family some day.
I mean it, Randy. That's enough!
You don't have
to videotape every single...
What the hell was that?
Oh, my God!
Something's going on outside.
Stay here.
- What's going on, dad?
- Get back to your room!
- What's going on?
- They're all over the place!
- What are?
- They're really furry!
What did that?
What is that thing?
Mr. Marsh, you have to move.
It isn't safe to be here.
Oh, my God!
Go, go back the other way!
Oh, god!
I'm so...
startled.
Sir, we've got a bigger problem.
And what might that be?
News reports are coming in
from cities all over the world.
Word of massive destruction
and death by what appear to be...
Guinea pigs?
Yes, sir.
How did you know?
You were so close
to figuring it all out, Davis.
Did you know that?
- Sir?
- I really thought, you had me at Miami.
But you just couldn't quite
put the pieces together.
You...
knew this was going to happened.
This is only the beginning.
And I can't let you interfere.
Sorry, my friend. But I work too hard
to make all this happen.
The pan flute bands are
on their way to their deaths,
and the guinea pigs are rising.
And the only person
who could have stopped all this...
is on his way
to the middle of nowhere.