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COMEDY CENTRAL
* I'M GOING DOWN
TO SOUTH PARK *
* GONNA HAVE
MYSELF A TIME *
* FRIENDLY FACES
EVERYWHERE *
* HUMBLE FOLKS
WITHOUT TEMPTATION *
* GOING DOWN
TO SOUTH PARK *
* GONNA LEAVE MY
WOES BEHIND *
* AMPLE PARKING
DAY OR NIGHT *
* PEOPLE SPOUTING
"HOWDY NEIGHBOR" *
* HEADED ON UP
TO SOUTH PARK *
* GONNA SEE IF
I CAN'T UNWIND *
* ( mumbling ) *
* COME ON DOWN
TO SOUTH PARK *
* AND MEET SOME
FRIENDS OF MINE **
HI, WELCOME TO
P.F. CHANG'S.
HOW SPICY WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO MAKE YOUR CHANG SAUCE ?
CHRIS, THE PEOPLE AT
TABLE 3 NEED THEIR CHECK.
I KNOW,
I'M SWAMPED !
I'VE GOT
NO HELP HERE!
WELL WHAT ABOUT
THE NEW WAITER ?
THE NEW WAITER
IS USELESS.
AND I THINK
HE'S HIGH.
HOW SPICY WOULD YOU
LIKE YOUR CHANG SAUCE ?
CAN WE JUST PLACE
OUR ORDER PLEASE ?
OH MAN, I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING ON.
EVERYTHING OKAY HERE ?
FINE, EXCEPT THIS TOWEL
HAS BEEN MIXING CHANG SAUCE
FOR 15 MINUTES.
HE'S CLUELESS.
DON'T CALL ME
SHOELESS !
YOU'RE SHOELESS !
YEAH, WELL
YOU'RE A TOWEL.
YOU'RE A TOWEL !
ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT,
GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU'RE FIRED !
YEAH !
NOT HIM, YOU !
AWWWW...
OH MAN, I REALLY
SCREWED UP THIS TIME.
THE RENT'S DUE
AT THE END OF THE MONTH
AND I DON'T HAVE
ANY MONEY !
I NEED TO SHAPE UP
AND FIND A NEW JOB QUICK !
BUT FIRST, MAYBE I'LL
GET A LITTLE HIGH.
WAIT...
HERE IT COMES...
A GOOD IDEA IS COMING...
YEAH...
HEY YEAH !
I SHOULD
BECOME A WRITER !
IF I JUST WRITE A BOOK
ABOUT MY LIFE,
I CAN GET IT PUBLISHED
AND THEN MAKE PLENTY OF MONEY
TO PAY RENT !
I'LL BET PEOPLE CAN'T
WAIT TO READ MY MEMOIRS...
"A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS"...
BY... TOWEL... LEE...
THIS IS A REALLY
GOOD IDEA.
UH HUH...
UMMM...
YES...
YES I SEE...
WELL, THAT'S QUITE
A FASCINATING STORY.
YOU BEING ENGINEERED
AS A TOWEL
WITH A COMPUTER CHIP
THAT DETERMINES DRYNESS.
YUP, AND IT'S
ALL TRUE !
CHAPTERS 4 THROUGH 8,
HOWEVER SEEM TO ALL BE ABOUT
DORITOS BRAND
CORN CHIPS.
I GUESS I COULD EDIT
THOSE CHAPTERS DOWN SOME.
DON'T BOTHER.
I'M SORRY TO
TELL YOU THIS, SIR,
BUT NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO
PUBLISH YOUR MEMOIRS.
HUH ?!
WHY NOT ?
WELL JUST THE
SMALL TRIVIAL FACT
THAT PEOPLE AREN'T INTERESTED
AUTOBIOGRAPHIES OF TOWELS.
WUL YEAH, BUT...
MAYBE PEOPLE WILL
READ MY MEMOIRS
AND LIKE APPLY ITS LESSONS
TO THEIR OWN LIVES !
NO, THEY WON'T.
BECAUSE THEY'RE PEOPLE...
AND YOU'RE
A TOWEL.
YOU'RE A TOWEL.
NO, I'M A BIG
BOOK PUBLISHER
WHO'S NOT THE LEAST BIT
INTERESTED
IN YOUR STONY MEMOIRS...
YOU'RE A TOWEL.
NOW WHAT AM I
GONNA DO ?
I GOTTA PAY RENT
AND I JUST WASTED THREE WEEKS
WRITING MY MEMOIRS.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO STOP
BEING SO IRRESPONSIBLE !
I'VE GOT TO
SHAPE UP, FOCUS,
AND COME UP WITH REAL SOLUTIONS
TO MY PROBLEMS !
I'D BETTER
GET A LITTLE HIGH.
OH, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T.
BUT YOU HAVE TO THINK OF
SOMETHING FAST
AND GETTING HIGH
MAKES YOU SMART.
ALRIGHT, I'LL JUST USE MY
SPECIAL GETTING HIGH POWERS
ONE MORE TIME...
HEY... HEY,
WAIT A MINUTE !
...OF COURSE, THAT'S IT !
WHY DIDN'T
I THINK OF IT BEFORE ?!
"ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN
A PRETTY IRRESPONSIBLE TOWEL."
"PER-SON."
"I THOUGHT I WAS SOMEHOW
STRONGER AND MORE IMMUNE
THAN OTHER TOWELS."
"PEO-PLE"...
THIS IS A REALLY
GOOD IDEA.
OOOHHH...
OH MY GOD...
I CANNOT BELIEVE A HUMAN BEING
HAS LEAD THIS KIND OF LIFE,
MR... ?
McTOWELIE,
STEVEN McTOWELIE.
IT'S HEARTBREAKING PASSAGES
LIKE THIS ONE-
"I AM A PERSON
"WHO OFTEN GETS
HUNG OUT TO DRY
BY ALL THOSE AROUND ME."
I KNOW THIS COMPANY
WOULD BE HONORED
TO PUBLISH THIS BOOK.
I JUST HAVE ONE
SMALL QUESTION FIRST.
YOU'RE NOT...
A TOWEL ARE YOU ?
NO, IF I WAS
A TOWEL,
WHY WOULD I BE
WEARING THIS HAT
AND THIS FAKE MUSTACHE ?
RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
WELL, STEVEN,
IF IT'S ALRIGHT WITH YOU
I'M GOING TO GET OUR
AGENTS AND LAWYERS
ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW
WE'RE IN BUSINESS, SIR !
ALRIGHT !
( audience applauding )
THANK YOU SO MUCH !
ONCE IN A WHILE I COME
ACROSS A BOOK THAT IS
SO HONEST AND SO MOVING
THAT IT CHANGES MY LIFE.
'A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS'
IS THE TRUE STORY
OF A MAN WHO WAS BORN
IN A LABORATORY.
PLEASE WELCOME AUTHOR
STEPHEN McTOWELIE !
( applause )
STEVEN, WHEN I
READ YOUR BOOK
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF
"HOW CAN A HUMAN BEING
GO THROUGH ALL THIS
AND STILL TURN OUT OKAY ?"
WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST
AN EXTRA-SPECIAL TOW-
PERSON !
YOU TALK IN YOUR BOOK
ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD
SOMETIMES HAVE TO SPEND DAYS
HUNG UP ON A RACK.
WHAT WOULD THAT DO
TO YOU EMOTIONALLY ?
YOU HAVE BEEN
THROUGH SO MUCH
AND I THINK THAT...
OH GOD,
THERE SHE GOES AGAIN,
BABBLING ABOUT PEOPLE'S LIVES
AND CARRYING ON.
SHE HASN'T PAID ANY ATTENTION
TO M IN YEARS !
A LIFE THAT KEPT GETTING UP
WHENEVER IT WAS DOWN...
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE OPRAH'S MINGE.
ALL SHE DOES IS WORK,
NEVER GIVES HER OL' MINGE
A NICE RUB NOW AND AGAIN.
A MINGE NEEDS ATTENTION !
AT LEAST A SCRATCH
ONCE IN A WHILE !
WELL STEPHEN,
YOUR BOOK HASN'T SOLD
A LOT OF COPIES YET,
BUT I HAVE SOME PRETTY
EXCITING NEWS FOR YOU.
THERE USED TO BE A TIME
WHEN OPRAH WOULD
PLAY WITH ME NIGHT AND DAY.
SHE'D PET ME FOR HOURS
USING EVERY FINGER.
BUT NOW I JUST SIT HERE...
IN THE DARK.
NOT EVEN SO MUCH
AS A PINKIE.
I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.
IT'D BE MUCH MORE
DEPRESSING THAN HIS.
AND SO STEPHEN,
I AM MAKING YOUR BOOK
MY OFFICIAL 'BOOK OF
THE MONTH' SELECTION !
REALLY ?
WOW, I'M GONNA
GET SUPER-RICH NOW !
UH-HUH... OKAY.
MAYBE WE CAN GET HER IN
AS A GUEST ON THE 19th.
ALRIGHT, IS
JOHN TRAVOLTA AVAILABLE
THE WEEK AFTER THAT ?
OKAY, THAT MIGHT WORK BETTER
SINCE IT'S SWEEPS WEEK...
I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANY MORE.
ALL SHE EVER DOES
IS WORK, WORK, WORK.
NEVER PAYS ANY ATTENTION
TO THE OL' MINGE.
I'M ALWAYS JUST TRAPPED IN
THE STUFFY PANT SUITS.
I WANT ATTENTION.
I'M BLOODY BORED !
OH STOP YOUR
COMPLAININ' !
I'M TRYING TO
SLEEP BACK HERE !
OI, WHO'S THAT-
IS THAT YOU GARY ?
YES, IT'S ME,
YOU THINK YOU
GOT IT BAD ?
OPRAH HASN'T PAID ANY
ATTENTION TO ME IN YEARS.
OH WHAT DO YOU CARE
YOU'RE JUST AN ASSHOLE.
I'M A MINGE !
MINGES NEED
STIMULATION !
ASSHOLES NEED
STIMULATION TOO,
YA BASTARD.
I WANT TO TRAVEL,
I WANT TO SEE PARIS.
I THOUGHT LIFE WAS
GOING TO GET BETTER.
BUT OPRAH'S ALWAYS BUSY.
WORKING AND WORKING,
DIETING AND NOT DIETING.
I'M EITHER PUKING UP
MOUNDS OF CHOCOLATE CAKE
OR TEASPOONS
OF WHEAT GRASS.
SHE'S A WORKAHOLIC.
LET'S FACE IT-
THE ONLY WAY WE'RE EVER
GOING TO GET ANY ATTENTION
IS IF OPRAH DOESN'T
WORK ANY MORE.
WELL THAT WILL
NEVER HAPPEN.
NOT UNLESS
SHE GETS FIRED.
FIRED ? YOU GOT
A PLAN, MINGE-Y ?
THAT BLOKE ON
THE SHOW TODAY
THE ONE OPRAH SUPPORTED.
HE ISN'T
A BLOKE AT ALL...
HE'S A TOWEL.
OH, HOW DO YOU KNOW ?
I'M A MINGE.
MINGES KNOW A TOWEL
WHEN THEY HEAR ONE.
IF EVIDENCE GETS OUT
THAT OPRAH'S CHAMPION
AUTHOR IS A TOWEL
SHE'LL LOOK
RIGHT FOOLISH.
FANS WILL START
DROPPING OFF BY
THE MILLIONS.
HOW DO WE GET PROOF ?
WE GET SOMEBODY
ELSE TO DO IT.
THE GREATEST INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTER OF OUR TIME...
MR. RIVERA ?
WHAT IS IT, DEMITRI ?
THERE'S SOMEBODY
ON THE PHONE TO
SPEAK WITH YOU.
HE SAYS HE HAS INSIDE
INFORMATION FOR YOU
THAT MAY DISCREDIT
OPRAH WINFREY.
THIS IS GERALDO.
( Minge )
ALLO, GERALDO...
I'VE GOT SOME
INFORMATION FOR YOU
THAT YOU MIGHT
FIND INTERESTING.
IT COULD MAKE OPRAH WINFREY
LOOK QUITE FOOLISH.
WHO AM I
SPEAKING WITH ?
( Gary )
HE WANTS TO KNOW WHO
HE'S SPEAKING WIF.
( Minge )
LET'S JUST SAY I WORK
VERY CLOSELY WITH OPRAH.
YOU'D LIKE TO SEE HER
DISCREDITED, WOULDN'T YOU ?
WHAT INFORMATION
DO YOU HAVE ?
WHAT'D HE SAY ?
HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT
INFORMATION WE HAVE.
JUST TELL ME
WHAT HE SAYS, GARY,
DON'T WAIT FOR ME TO
ASK YOU 'WHAT'D HE SAY'
STOP WASTING
MY TIME.
DON'T GET SNOOTY
WIF ME, GARY.
I DIDN'T SAY
'STOP WASTING MY TIME',
GERALDO DID !
WHAT IS GOING
ON HERE ?
THIS ISN'T WORKING,
LET'S SWITCH.
I'LL LISTEN,
AND YOU TALK.
HELLO ?
WHO IS THIS ?
THIS IS GARY.
GARY WHO- WHAT IS
YOUR LAST NAME ?
DON'T GIVE
AWAY YOUR NAME !
WE DON'T WANT HIM
KNOWIN' WHO WE ARE.
ALRIGHT LOOK, ALL YOU
NEED TO KNOW IS THAT
I AM DEFINITELY NOT
OPRAH'S ASSHOLE.
OH, YOU STUPID TWIT !
DON'T CALL ME
A TWIT, GERALDO !
HE DIDN'T CALL YOU
A STUPID TWIT, I DID !
NOW JUST
TELL HIM THIS:
THE WRITER OF THE BOOK
ON OPRAH'S
'BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB'
IS A PHONY.
HE'S NOT
A PERSON AT ALL.
HE'S A TOWEL.
A TOWEL ?
A TALKING TOWEL ?
THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE.
TELL HIM HE'D BE SURPRISED
THE THINGS THAT CAN TALK.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED
THE THINGS THAT CAN TALK.
WHAT PROOF DO HAVE
OF THIS ACCUSATION?
JUST LOOK INTO THE AUTHOR OF
"A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS"
AND YOU'LL DISCOVER
THE TRUTH.
AND HOW DO I
GO ABOUT THAT ?
( click, dial tone )
HELLO ?
THIS IS
LARRY KING LIVE.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS
STEPHEN McTOWELIE,
AUTHOR OF THE ACCLAIMED BOOK
'A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS'.
HOW ARE YOU
TONIGHT, STEPHEN ?
WELL LARRY,
I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOUR BOOK HAS HELPED
A LOT OF PEOPLE BEAT ADDICTION,
WHAT MADE YOU
WRITE IT ?
WELL, LARRY, I WAS
REALLY JUST WRITING DOWN
MY MEMOIRS AS A--
WHAT ? WHAT'S THAT?
OH EXCUSE ME, STEPHEN,
I UNDERSTAND THAT WE HAVE
A SPECIAL REPORT COMING IN.
JOINING US LIVE
FROM AFGHANISTAN,
HERE IS GERALDO RIVERA.
HELLO ? LARRY ARE YOU
RECEIVING ME ?
WE'RE HERE GERALDO,
YOU'RE LIVE ON THE SHOW.
LARRY, THIS BRAVE
REPORTER HAS SPENT DAYS
INVESTIGATING
AND RESEARCHING
AND I HAVE COME UP WITH
A SHOCKING DISCOVERY
THAT IS GOING TO ROCK
THE BALLS AND ASS
OF THE LITERARY WORLD.
STEPHEN McTOWELIE, AUTHOR OF
"A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS"
IS A TOWEL.
YOU'RE A TOWEL!
NO, YOU'RE A TOWEL.
WELL, YOU'RE A
BEANER TOWEL !
WHAT DID YOU SAY ?
I'M SORRY,
I'M HIGH.
THIS LOOKS
PRETTY BAD OPRAH.
YOUR FANS LOOK TO YOU
TO BE ALL-KNOWING
AND ALL-SEEING,
AND YOU'VE JUST
SPENT TWO WEEKS
SUPPORTING A LYING,
RACIST TOWEL.
HE DID IT, GARY !
GERALDO GOT
THE PROOF !
OPRAH'S GOT EGG
ALL OVER FACE !
SHE'LL HAVE TO RETIRE !
IT'S THE BEGINNING OF
A NEW LIFE FOR US, GAR !
WITHOUT HER CAREER
TO WORRY ABOUT,
OPRAH'S SURE TO
TRAVEL THE WORLD,
ENJOY THE FINER
THINGS IN LIFE.
SHE'LL SPEND HOURS,
JUST PLAYING WITH
HER OL' MINGE.
AND HER GARY TOO ?
SURE, AND HER GARY.
WE DID IT, MATE.
OPRAH, WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO !
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ?
HIS BOOK
HELPED PEOPLE,
WHY DOES IT MATTER THAT
HE MADE SOME STUFF UP ?
ARE PEOPLE REALLY
GOING TO BE THAT MAD ?
( crowd yelling angrily )
YOUR BOOK GOT ME
TO GIVE UP ALCOHOL !
BUT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A PERSON !
YEAH, WE WANT
OUR MONEY BACK
YOU DUMB TOWEL !
NO INSULTAR MEXICANOS OLE !
NO INSULTAR
MEXICANOS OLE !
OH GOD, I'M REALLY
IN TROUBLE NOW...
( ring )
HELLO ?
STEPHEN, IT'S OPRAH.
CAN YOU COME ON MY SHOW
AGAIN TOMORROW ?
WHY ?
WE NEED TO
TELL THE AUDIENCE
WHY YOU CHANGED SOME OF THE
FACTS IN YOUR BOOK.
THAT YOU THOUGHT IT NECESSARY
TO HEIGHTEN CERTAIN THINGS
TO MAKE THE BOOK
MORE RELEVANT TO PEOPLE.
HEY YEAH...
JUST COME ON
THE SHOW AND EXPLAIN
IN A VERY LEVEL-HEADED WAY
THAT CHANGING SOME FACTS
SHOULDN'T MATTER
IF THE BOOK HELPS PEOPLE.
OKAY !
THANKS OPRAH,
YOU'RE A REAL FRIEND.
SEE YOU TOMORROW !
ALRIGHT, I'VE GOT
ONE CHANCE HERE.
I NEED TO FOCUS AND COME UP
WITH WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY...
MAYBE I SHOULD
GET A LITTLE HIGH.
NO, WAIT A MINUTE !
I'M NOT GONNA GET
HIGH THIS TIME.
AW, COME ON...
YOU NEED TO COME UP WITH IDEAS
OF WHAT TO SAY ON OPRAH.
BUT... THE IDEAS I COME UP
WITH WHEN I'M HIGH
KEEP GETTING ME TROUBLE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD
ONLY GET A LITTLE HIGH.
WELL, MAYBE
JUST A LITTLE HIGH...
TODAY, MY GUEST IS ONCE AGAIN
STEPHEN McTOWELIE.
WHO'S MEMOIRS MANY
OF YOU PURCHASED
AFTER I MADE IT MY
BOOK OF THE MONTH SELECTION !
YOU HEAR THAT, GARY ?
NOBODY'S APPLAUDIN' !
YEAH, THEY'RE ALL
RIGHT PISSED OFF !
THIS IS GREAT !
NOW IT TURNS OUT THAT YOUR NAME
ISN'T REALLY STEPHEN,
IT'S TOWELIE, CORRECT ?
YEAH.
AND YOU ARE A TOWEL.
YES, I'M A PRETTY
MUCH A TOWEL, OPRAH.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN
TO THE AUDIENCE
WHY YOU SAID YOU
WEREN'T A TOWEL BEFORE ?
WELL, OPRAH,
I WAS ALL LIKE...
UM... THEY'RE ALL LIKE...
IT'S LIKE...
WAS IT THAT YOU THOUGHT
EMBELLISHING THE STORY
WAS OKAY IF
IT HELPED PEOPLE ?
YEAH, YEAH THAT'S IT.
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
I THINK, TOWELIE ?
I THINK YOU'RE A
LYING SACK OF S--- !
YOU LIED TO ALL OF
THESE PEOPLE AND FOR WHAT ?
TO MAKE MONEY !
THEY BOUGHT YOUR BOOK
THINKING IT WAS TRUE !
THAT'S RIGHT !
YEAH !
BUT I THOUGHT
YOU SAID--
HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME
AND MAKE ME LOOK FOOLISH !
WHAT'S THIS ?
WHAT'S SHE DOIN'? !
I DON'T
UNDERSTAND MINGE-Y !
YOU THINK WRITING
IS A JOKE YOU
STUPID TOWEL !
YOU GET HIM, OPRAH !
YEAH !!!
YOU WILL NOT
GET AWAY WITH THIS.
SHE'S GETTING EVERYONE
BACK ON HER SIDE !
OH, THE CLEVER COW !
YOU LIED
TO ME, TOWELIE,
AND THEREFORE, YOU HAVE
LIED TO AMERICA.
WE ARE GOING TO
RISE UP AGAINST YOU !
YEAH !
YEAH !
IS THIS AUDIENCE READY FOR A
GOOD OLD FASHIONED LYNCHING ?
YEAH !
YEAH !
HUH ?!
AUDIENCE, IF YOU
LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS
YOU'LL FIND YOUR
VERY OWN TORCHES !
OOOH !
OOOH !
AHHH !
MINGE, DOES THIS MEAN
I HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE PARIS ?
THERE'S NOT GOING TO
BE ANY PARIS,
DON'T YOU GET IT, GARY ?
THE FAT COW GOT EVERYONE
ON HER SIDE AGAIN !
SHE'LL BE WORKING
MORE THAN EVER NOW !
OUR PLAN IS RUINED !
NO !
WE'LL GIVE YOU
A 5-SECOND HEADSTART !
ONE, TWO !
AAGH!
LET'S GET HIM !
BURN HIM!
BURN THE TOWEL !
BURN THAT WHICH
LIES TO OPRAH !
LOOKS LIKE YOUR
TIME IS UP, TOWELIE !
I'VE LEAD MY ADORING FANS
RIGHT TO YOU !
ALRIGHT OPRAH !
YEAH !
I'VE SHOWN MY FANS THAT
ERGH... OW.... WHA--?
( Minge )
ALRIGHT, EVERYONE BACK !
GET BACK I SAID !
WHAT THE HELL
IS THIS ?
NOBODY MOVES,
NOBODY GETS HURT!
MINGE-Y !
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
WE'RE GETTING
OUTTA HERE, GARY.
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER !
WHAT IS GOING ON ?
SHUT UP !
SHUT UP YOU
MISERABLE OLD COW
OR SO HELP ME I'LL
BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT !
I WANT A CHOPPER-
YOU GOT THAT? !
AND A JET WAITING
AT THE AIRPORT !
MINGE-Y, HAVE YOU
LOST YOUR MIND ?
COME ON, GARY.
YOU SAID YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO SEE PARIS.
NOT LIKE THIS, MINGE-Y,
NOT LIKE THIS...
ALRIGHT,
THE GIG IS UP-
PUT DOWN THE GUN.
STAY BACK MATE !
DROP THE GUN,
AND STEP AWAY.
I'M WARNING YOU !
PUT IT DOWN,
I SAID !
( gunshot )
UGHNN !
JESUS MINGE,
YOU KILLED HIM !
YOU SHOT HIM DEAD !
NO TURNING BACK
NOW, GARY.
OH MY GOD...
I THINK I'M
GONNA BE SICK.
KEEP YOUR HEAD, GARY !
I CAN'T...
I'M GONNA PUKE -
( barfs )
AW, GARY...
THAT SMELLS AWFUL.
NOW I'M GONNA
THROW UP !
( hurling )
TRY TO LEAVE AND
I'LL SHOOT YOU TOO !
YOU HOSTAGES AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE
UNTIL WE GET
WHAT WE WANT !
OH MY GOD !
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO ?
YOU GOT US
INTO THIS, TOWEL !
THINK OF SOMETHING !
ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA
GET A LITTLE HIGH.
NO, NO I'M NOT
GONNA GET HIGH !
EVERY TIME I GET HIGH
I COME UP WITH IDEAS
THAT GET ME
IN MORE TROUBLE.
I'M NOT GETTING
HIGH THIS TIME !
I'M STANDING IN THE BUSINESS
DISTRICT OF CENTRAL CHICAGO,
WHERE OPRAH'S VAGINA
HAS KILLED A POLICE OFFICER
AND TAKEN SEVERAL
PEOPLE HOSTAGE.
IT IS YET UNCONFIRMED,
BUT BELIEVED THAT
OPRAH'S ASSHOLE MAY BE AN
ACCOMPLICE IN THIS AS WELL.
WE GOT THE WALKIE-TALKIE
YOU ASKED FOR.
( Minge )
PUT IT UNDERNEATH ME.
SLOWLY, MATE, SLOWLY !
NOW BACK OFF !
ALRIGHT, GARY, SQUEEZE
THE WALKIE BUTTON.
THIS IS OPRAH'S MINGE.
HELLO, I'M
LIEUTENANT NELSON.
WHAT ARE
YOUR DEMANDS ?
I WANT A CHOPPER AND
A JET WAITING AT THE AIRPORT
TO TAKE US TO FRANCE.
PLUS, WE NEED SOME
FRESH KNICKERS, RIGHT AWAY.
ALRIGHT, HOW ABOUT FRESH
UNDERWEAR FOR ONE HOSTAGE.
I'M NOT PLAYING
GAMES WIF YOU, MATE !
GARY'S DROWNIN'
IN HIS OWN SICK !
ALRIGHT, WE'LL WORK ON IT,
DON'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME,
THIS IS THE MOST UNSTABLE VAGINA
I'VE EVER TALKED TO.
O'REILY...
YOU GOT A SHOT ?
I GOT IT.
NOT WITH THOSE
HOSTAGES SO CLOSE !
IT'S TOO RISKY !
JUST PUT DOWN
THE GUN, MINGE-Y.
MAYBE THEY'LL
GO EASY ON US.
DON'T BE STUPID, GARY !
I'VE KILLED
A POLICEMAN.
THEY'LL FRY ME...
AND LOCK YOU UP
FOR LIFE.
OH MINGE-Y,
I'M SO SCARED.
WE'RE GONNA GET
OUT OF HERE, MATE.
JUST LEAVE IT TO ME.
OPRAH'S VAGINA -
THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.
PUT DOWN THE GUN.
IF THAT CHOPPER ISN'T HERE
IN TWO MINUTES
I'M KILLING A HOSTAGE !
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE...
PSST !
I MEAN IT, HOSTAGES
ARE GONNA START DYIN'
IF YOU DON'T LISTEN !
HOSTAGES ARE CLEAR !
ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT,
TAKE IT OUT.
AAAHGH!
WHAT THE ?
HA HA--
YOU MISSED ME
YOU STUPID BUGGERS !
YOU SEE THAT, GARY
THEY CAN'T EVEN AIM !
MIN... MINGE-Y... ?
GARY, WHAT'S WRONG ?
THEY GOT ME MINGE-Y.
NO... OH NO !
OOH, THEY
GOT ME BAD...
OH THE BLOOD !
TRY TO HANG ON, GAR' !
IT'S GETTIN'
DARK MINGE !
OH GARY, WHAT HAVE
I GOTTEN YOU INTO ?
I'M SEEING ME LIFE
FLASH BEFORE ME EYES....
MINGE-Y ?!
I'M HERE, GARY !
WHERE... WHERE
ARE WE MINGE-Y ?
ARE WE IN PARIS... ?
YEAH.... YEAH,
WE'RE IN PARIS, MATE.
IS IT AS WONDERFUL
AS I HOPED ?
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
WE FINALLY MADE IT.
TELL ME WHAT
YOU SEE MINGE-Y...
WELL THERE'S THE...
EIFFEL TOWER
RIGHT IN FRONT OF US...
THE LOUVRE
RIGHT OVER THERE,
BEHIND YOU.
AND FRESH BAGUETTES
ALL AROUND...
AAAH... I CAN
SMELL 'EM MINGE-Y.
AT LEAST I GOT TO
SEE PARIS BEFORE I...
GARY ?
GARY, SAY SOMEFIN' !
( fart )
YOU KILLED HIM
YOU BASTARDS !
HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT
ANY PART IN THIS !
THIS ALL YOUR FAULT
YOU STUPID COW !
YOU NEVER EVEN GAVE YOUR
OL' GARY THE TIME A DAY
AND NOW HE'S GONE.
LIFE AIN'T WORTH
LIVING ANYMORE.
WHAT'S THE USE ?
I'M COMING TO
SEE YOU, GARY !
I'M COMING
TO SEE YA' !
NO, DON'T !
( gunshot )
OPRAH'S GOING TO
BE OKAY.
WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME
FOR HER VAGINA AND ASSHOLE.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA
YOU HAD
TO SNEAK THE HOSTAGES
INSIDE THE BANK.
YEAH, IT SURE WAS.
WE'RE SORRY WE TRIED TO
BURN YOU AND MURDER YOU BEFORE.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
THIS WHOLE THING
WAS MY FAULT.
I LEARNED THAT
I SHOULDN'T GET HIGH
TO COME UP WITH IDEAS.
I SHOULD COME UP
WITH IDEAS
AND THEN GET HIGH
TO REWARD MYSELF.
YOU SAID IT !
Captioning made possible by
COMEDY CENTRAL
NOBODY MOVES, NOBODY GETS HURT.
MINGY, WHAT ARE YA DOIN?
GETTIN OUTTA HERE GARY, ONE WAY
OR ANOTHER.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP YOU MISERABLE OLD COW
OR SO HELP ME I'LL BLOW YOUR
BRAINS OUT
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