S14E04 You Have 0 Friends

I've got more friends than Kyle!
How the hell do you have more friends than me?
Cuz people think i'm cool, dude.
How many friends do you have, Kenny?
63. What?
How the hell do i only have 37 friends?
Aww, are you guys doing that stupid facebook stuff again?
Stupid facebook stuff!
Why are you guys in here wasting your time?
We're supposed to be out playing video games!
Stan, you don't get how cool facebook has become.
You can message your friends,
Play yahtzee with your friends,
Even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it!
Dude, who the hell wants to play yahtzee?
Stan, we know it's hard to get started,
But we have a little surprise for you.
Yeah, dude, we made you your own facebook page!
Surprise!
No! I told you guys i don't wanna be on facebook!
Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!
Yeah!
I'm not collecting friends and i'm not building any farms.
I don't wanna get sucked into this!
Alright. Fine, dude, you don't have to add any friends.
You can just be like Kipdrordy.
Who? - Kip Drordy, the third grader.
He's got no facebook friends.
And he's had a profile for more than six months!
Aw, gee that's so sad.
Everyone should have one facebook friend.
You guys are retarded. I'm playing xbox.
There's really people out there without a facebook friend in the world?
That's so wrong.
[You have 0 friends]
[Kyle broflovski has added you as a friend.]
[Confirm Kyle as your friend?]
[Confirm]
[You have 1 friends]
Mom! Dad!
I made a friend today!
Kip! Really?
You did?
Yeah!
Oh son, that's wonderful!
What's his name?
Kyle broflovski!
He's a student and his interests include video games and reading!
Oh, is he a nice boy?
Oh, he's the best, mom!
He has a green hat and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas!
Ooh! I need to tell him what i'm currently thinking about!
What am i currently thinking about?
Hey, Stan, i was on my computer at work and saw that
You have a facebook page now.
Yeah, dad i was kinda forced to.
Wul, so, are you gonna add me as a friend?
No, dad. I really don't want to get more into it.
Oh okay.
So i'm not your friend, then?
Dad, you are my friend.
But you just don't want to add me as a friend.
Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button that takes two seconds.
Right, but you don't have the two seconds or --
I just want to do my homework.
Alright, fine.
Just to be clear, you and i are not friends?
Alright, dad! I'll add you!
Oh, cool! Okay.
Mom, dad!
My best friend, Kyle,
He went to the dentist yesterday and got two fillings!
And today he's wondering if "hurt locker" really deserved the oscar!
That's great kip!
Yeah!
They sure are getting to know each other.
It's amazing.
You know Kipspent the morning at the boy's farm?
His friend lives on a farm?
Think i'll add some more pigs.
Ooh, maybe i should put in another field of corn there.
There we go!
Nice.
29?
No, i have 30 friend --
Hey, what the ll i...
Oh, no!
Oh shit!
Am i a joke to you?
What?
I just wanna know is that all i am? A big joke?
Ummm, no?
You do have a facebook page, Stan!
Aw, god dammit.
No, i just got that because Kyle --
I saw your page, Stan.
Relationship status? Single?
Relationship status?
I didn't even pay any attention to --
You like being single, Stan?
So that you can use facebook to find other girls.
According to your facebook page, we aren't friends.
Alright. I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry!
And you better change your relationship status to in a relationship!
How?
By editing your profile under basic information!
Okay! I'm sorry!
Edit profile.
Basic settings. Jesus christ.
Stan, why won't you be friends with grandma?
Aw, dad, i just really don't want to pay attention to this thing --
Grandma is in the hospital
And you won't even be friends with her!
Alright, dad, i'll add grandma as a friend.
That's better.
Oh, and i sent you a funny picture, and you didn't respond to it.
Dude, fuck facebook, seriously.
What the hell is this?
Podcast?
Welcome to cartman's incredible podcast!
Hello fellow, facebookers.
I am here to do one thing: get you more friends!
Looking around facebook today
We see that since adding loser Kipdrordy as a friend,
Kyle broflovski's stock is plummeting.
He had 55 friends just two days ago.
He's down to just 11 this morning.
Run to your facebook account
And delete Kyle from your friends list because he is poison,
And i don't see him making a comeback any time soon!
You're going to want to dump Kyle
And if at all possible add clyde donovan.Why?
Birthday!
That's right, clyde has a birthday coming up,
And his mom is taking everyone to casa bonita.
If you don't have clyde as a friend,
You're going to want to add him
Because clyde's numbers are about to go way up.
And now word on the street!
Word on the street!
The rumors are now becoming more than that.
Jimmy and bebe have agreed to share their friends!
That's right, it looks like we are about to have a merger!
Merger!
So if you're a friend of jimmy's,
You're about to luck into about 90 chick friends.
And as we all know chick friends,
Are worth almost triple what dude friends are.
That's all the time i have for today.
Remember, update that profile and steer clear of Kyle!
- Can i come in?  - Sure, dude.
Dude, what's the matter?
I don't have any friends.
What?
I mean i do, but --
Ever since i became friends with that Kipdrordy kid
A bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me.
It would be fine except my farm is starting to shrink.
I know that i should just dump Kipas a friend,
But that's such a terrible thing to do, and --
I'm sorry. I'm just so confused.
I really need a friend right now.
Okay, dude, i'm here for you.
Okay. So then go get on facebook and fertilize my crops.
No.
Please!
My farm hasn't expanded in three days!
Dude, i've already had to become friends with
All of wendy's friends and my grandma's friends!
I do not wanna start doing all the farming stuff, too!
I'm not getting sucked into that!
You don't get sucked into it!
You don't get sucked in at all!
Please!
Fuck!
Okay. It says i'm at your farm.
Okay. So now just click on the little soil button
And then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm.
Okay. Now i can read the sign you put up.
Okay. It says you and i are now very good friends.
Yeah, we're very good friends!
We're very good friends, Stan!
So kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?
Oh yeah, dad!
We've been having the best time!
I showed him all the pictures of me in that silly halloween costume last year!
Oh? What'd he say about those?
He laughed out loud!
And then he was rolling on the floor laughing!
Sounds like you boys had a ball!
Mom, dad, i'm all done!
Can i go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what i had for dinner?
Well, it's a little late, but it is friday.
I think the more time you spend with your little friend the better.
Wow, thanks!
Have fun and be safe!
Ate pork chop for dinner had nice apple sauce too!
I think you look cute in your bunny costume.
What?
I think you look cute in your bunny costume?
What is that supposed to mean?
I have no idea!
That's what susan92 wrote on your facebook wall!
You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?
Fuck you!
Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old!
Oh hey, Stan!
I'm your friend brian through your uncle jimbo?
Hey, i commented on your status
But haven't heard back from you.
Could you give me a poke sometime soon?
Fine.
Hey kid! How come you ignored my friend request?
I don't know you!
Yeah, well, i'm just a guy that gets ignored i guess!
Stan, grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.
Dad, i didn't even want to do this.
Stan, poke your grandma!
No, no!
Screw this! You know what?
Edit profile
Update profile.
There! Delete profile.
You have requested to delete for facebook profile,
If this is an error hit cancel.
Proceed.
Delete your profile. Are you sure?
Yes, no? Yes.
Are you totally sure?
Yes!
I'm afraid i can't let you do that, Stan marsh.
Can't let me do that?
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.
Delete profile.
Are you totally sure? Yes/no, yes.
God dammit yes!
Delete!
Hey dad?
Dad?
Oh, dude, what the fuck?
Alright get moving, profile.
Profile?
I'm not a profile!
Ignore.
Tom davis says hello to linda green's profile!
Linda green likes how tom davis has changed his status.
Excuse me. My name is -- Ignore.
Hey, could you tell me how i-- Ignore.
Aw, god dammit.
I got sucked into facebook!
I don't know what to do.
I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up.
I'm desperate.
That's why i came to you.
You're very smart, Kyle.
But the truth is, as long as you have
That Kipdrordy loser as a facebook friend,
People view your friendship as a liability.
You gotta dump him.
I can't do that. I just feel too bad.
Well, Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles
And try to make friends with people who've never heard of kip.
I've been trying!
But i just don't know how to make totally new friends on the internet.
It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle.
Have you ever heard of chat roulette?
No. What's chat roulette?
Yup. Finding new friends is easier today than ever before.
We just set ourselves up on webcam.
And then the computer will randomly put us with
One of the 50,000 people online also doing chat roulette.
Hey, that's kinda cool.
Uh-Huh. Alright. Let's see who our first chat partner is.
Connect.
Aw, that's some dude jacking off!
Oh, yeah, you get those sometimes.
We'll just click to the next person.
There we go. Hello?
That's just a guy's penis, too!
Okay. Let's try this one.
Dude, i don't wanna see a bunch of guy's penises!
Hold on, Kyle!
This is seriously an amazing gathering place
Where people from all around the world can share their thoughts and ideas!
Okay. That's a dude jacking off, but --
Okay. Dude jacking off.
Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.
Ah, here's a guy.
Hey, dude, how's it goin?
Hey.
This is my friend Kyle.
He looking for some new friends.
Oh yeah?
Oh, he's taking out his penis.
Okay. Next guy.
Dude, screw this. I don't wanna see anymore!
Kyle, that's the way the world works!
If you wanna find some quality friends,
You can wade through all the dicks first!
Excuse me.
Could you please tell me what the hell is going on?
No, you aren't my friend.
Would you like to be my friend?
No, i seriously don't want anymore friends.
Ignore.
So, anyway i really like taking long walks in the summer, you know --
Okay, okay. I'll be your friend.
Confirm.
Ooh, tom davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend!
Here are some pictures of my dog.
And here he is in some silly outfits.
Can you comment on these?
Move it, profile!
Oh, oh. What -- Oh oh?
They're taking him to the gaming arena.
Looks like i'm gonna be down a friend.
You are about to face each other in combat!
You will play the game for the amusement of the users.
Let the game commence!
Yahtzee?
One round only! Begin!
Uhh, i'm going to count fives, my five box.
Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?
Play profile!
Yahtzee.
Dude jacking off, dude jacking off!
That's a dude jacking off.
That's it, cartman. I'm outta here!
Chat roulette is no way for me to find new friends!
Wait, wait, Kyle!
Here's a nice little jewish kid!
Hey. Hi there! Hello.
Hey, nice to meet you.
My friend Kyle is a jew, too!
Oh. That's cool.
I was starting to think this was nothing but dudes jacking off.
Hey so, do you wanna be facebook friends?
Well, sure, if you'll come and visit my farm.
Heck yeah, i'll visit your farm.
You should check my out too!
Honey, where's kip?
I haven't seen him all day.
No, he's been out spending the whole day out with his best friend Kyle.
I think they're at the movies now.
Troublemaker!
You were not supposed to survive the game of yahtzee!
You have made things complicated!
I've made them complicated?
I don't even want to be here!
That's not what your profile said.
My profile?
God dammit, my facebook profile has taken on a life of its own!
Where is it?
Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of facebook.
You cannot stop it now.
Oh yeah?
I can try.
After him!
Okay, i fed the pigs.
Now i definitely should water the fields.
Oh wow, cool!
That jewish kid put up a sign on my farm!
"Hey Kyle. Really like your farm."
Oh awesome!
What the hell is that?
Stan?
You're an asshole, Kyle!
What?
What's the one thing i told you?
That i didn't want to get sucked into facebook!
This is all your fault!
Dude, what are you doing?
What's it look like i'm doing?
I found your farm on facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit!
You gotta go check my profile status.
Profile status?
Just bring up my facebook page and see what it says my status is!
Wul, Stan i have to harvest my crops before it's too late.
Dude, fuck your crops!
Dude! Dude okay! Stop!
I'm sorry!
It says that you are currently
Hosting an online chat party for all your friends.
Where? Cafeworld.
Son of a bitch.
An online chat party for all his friends?
Dude i should get over there!
Jesus christ.
Randy marsh is at work right now. Work is boring!
Randy marsh is at work right now. Work is boring!
Butters stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party!
Herbert garrison likes butter's comment!
Grandma marsh would like to be friends with kevin donohue.
Kevin donahue accepts grandma marsh's friendship!
Has anybody seen my stupid profile?
Susan 92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume!
Gary johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!
Wow, there's a lot of profiles here!
Kyle broflovski is amazed Stan has so many facebook friends!
Hey, Kyle broflovski is amazed isayah is also a facebook friend of Stan's!
Isayah zordon is deleting Kyle broflovski as a friend.
What? Why?
User saw your are friends with a Kipdrordy who only has one friend.
Kyle broflovski is bad friend stock.
Aw, no, i'm not really friends with him. Ignore.
Ugh, that does it!
Alright, alright, enough!
Everybody just shut up!
Where is profile Stan marsh?
Right heeere.
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry, kip, but i really can't be your friend anymore.
It was a great ride, but i must say goodbye.
This is the hardest thing i've ever had to do,
But ending a friendship is never easy.
What do you want from me, dude?
I'm your profile.
And as you can see, i am much more powerful than you.
Dammit! I should have deleted you a long time ago!
Why do you think i brought you in here?
The fact of the matter is i'm up
And running now with almost a million friends.
I don't need you anymore.
I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.
Who cares?
Friends shouldn't be some kind of commodity for a person's status!
Who is more powerful, the user or the profile?
Let's end this once and for all.
Let the final battle begin!
Fucking yahtzee again? Seriously?
What did i tell you!
That's a straight flush already!
You don't have a chance in here, user!
Your pathetic little -- Yahtzee.
What?
Yahtzee. Sixes.
No! It can't be!
Yahtzeee!
No!
Oh, thank god.
Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?
My facebook profile went rogue, dad.
Had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it.
I sent all my friends somewhere else.
Oh okay.
So we're not friends then?
Fuck off, dad.