S13E02 The Coon

Season 13 Episode 2
"The Coon"
<i>The city isn't what it used to be...
<i>It all happened so fast.
Everything went to crap.
<i>It's like everyone's sense
of morals just disappeared.
<i>The bad economy made things worse.
<i>The jobs started drying up.
Then the stores had to shut down.
<i>Then a black man
was elected president.
<i>He was supposed to change things.
He didn't.
<i>As more and more people
turn to crime and violence,
<i>the town becomes gripped in fear.
<i>Dark times.
This city needs protection.
<i>There is an animal
that lives by night.
<i>Searches through trash cans
and cleans out the garbage.
<i>To clean the trash can of society,
I've chosen to become more than a man.
<i>I am the hero this town needs.
<i>I am...
<i>the Coon.
<i>As the world plummets into despair,
<i>the Coon fights
to keep order intact.
Lisa, I had a really
great time tonight.
I did too, Josh.
Would you mind
very much if I kissed you?
Not at all.
<i>A woman being raped.
<i>This is what our city
has been reduced to.
<i>When the money goes
the raping starts.
<i>Women are helpless without the Coon.
Oh, yes, Josh! Yes!
Let her go!
- Excuse me?
- You aren't raping anyone tonight!
Oh, it's a talking squirrel.
Get out of here! Get to safety!
Lisa! Call me!
<i>Another woman saved from rape.
<i>But how many more
rapists are out there?
That really stings.
Here's the file on
that Rodriguez case, detective.
All right. Things are
pretty quiet out there, boys.
Let's try to get caught up
on our paperwork.
Murphy, I want you to...
Don't let the city's peacefulness
fool you, commissioner.
It's too quiet.
- Oh, not this kid again.
- Hey, you get outta here. Out!
There was another rapist
in the park tonight.
It's no coincidence.
It must be a rapist plot
and it stinks to the top.
- What?
- I think the mayor might be involved.
It's my theory she has a lesbian
lover who's holding her leash.
Jesus Christ.
Can't we get a lock on that window?
Look, kid, you need to stop...
- He's gone.
- No, I'm just over here now.
What do we know about
the mayor's sexual preferences?
All right, listen.
You have five seconds to leave
or I'm gonna put you in jail
and call your parents.
- Jail's full, sir.
- Whatever. Then we'll put you in...
Now I'm back over here.
Just get out of here before we...
I'm right here now.
- All right. Stop it!
- Yes, I have to go now.
But in the meantime, I have
something that might interest you.
Make sure all your men get
a look at these, detective.
What's in here?
Hey, guys. Good morning.
You guys hear that another rape victim
got saved by a superhero last night?
They say it was the Coon.
- Who's the Coon?
- I know, right?
Who is the Coon?
It's what everyone must
be asking themselves.
Somebody is dressing up at night
and taking the law into their own hands.
As for me, I certainly don't agree
with the Coon's reckless ways.
If you ask me, there's no room
in this world for vigilantes.
I believe the Coon is a menace.
Yeah, and dressing up and running
around at night is faggy anyway.
You're a fag, Kyle! Fuck you!
- Dude, what?
- He's not a fag!
Why do you care?
Well, I'm just mad 'cause
you shouldn't ever use the term "fag".
That's a hate word and it's
insensitive to butt pirates.
Anyway, what the you think
about the Coon, Stan and Kenny?
Do you think he's
the savior this town needs,
or do you think
he's a dangerous vigilante?
Kenny?
And of course the most
common question asked is...
Just who is he?
Is he a hero or a menace?
While we can all admit that
the Coon is obviously really cool,
we should also be asking each other.
Why does he care so much
for the people of this town?
Why does he sacrifice himself
every night to rid our streets of crime?
And does he really have the right?
What we all need to know... Clyde.
Could you wake up, please.
This is important.
What we all need now is
proof that the Coon exists.
I believe that tonight,
from approximately 5:00 to 5:45,
the Coon is going to be
on the roof of Walgreens.
I know I'll be there with my camera.
I'm sure many of you will, too.
<i>Sometimes it seems
the more criminals I try to stop,
<i>the more just come out of
the back alleys and dilapidated bars.
<i>The city is a dying whore.
<i>She calls out to me to save her,
and I don't know if I can.
<i>But she is still my city.
And I cannot just sit and watch
<i>as innocent people are...
<i>Who the hell is that?
Who the hell are you?
I am an angel keeping watch
over the city at night.
As violence and darkness
take over the streets,
I work to rid the streets of crime.
I am the symbol this town needs.
No, no, no.
I'm the symbol this town needs.
Dude, seriously, you can't do that.
Go home. I was doing this first.
Yeah-huh!
You heard of the Coon
and now you're being a copycat.
Is that your hero name? Copycat?
I am Mysterion.
Mysterion? That's fucking retarded.
You just gave yourself away, Craig.
Only you would think
of a name that dumb.
I might be Craig, an then
again I might not be.
My identity must remain a secret.
You cannot know.
Yeah, well you cannot know
my true identity either.
I assume, you must be Cartman.
Because you're fat.
Well you wrong! I'm not Eric Cartman
and he's not fat!
- Care to guess again?
- I really don't care who you are.
Oh, all right Kyle!
Took me real long to figure it out!
Only you Kyle, would be a buzzkill
and try try to steal my thunder.
You don't care about stopping crime,
you just hate me, Kyle!
Kyle hates, Eric Cartman.
Are you saying, you Eric Cartman?
No, I... I'm saying that...
Goddamn it! Stan, is that you?
It is you, isn't it?
Clyde, you're not a superhero, I am!
I cannot stand here and make
idle conversation any longer.
The city needs my help.
There are innocents to protect.
No! Dude, I'm serious.
You're being a copycat! I'll sue you!
Motherfucker!
<i>Which one of them is it?
<i>Somebody is pretending
to be a superhero, but who?
<i>Has to be one
of the guys in my class,
<i>only they know the Coon would be
on the rooftop of the Walgreens.
<i>No. Stop. Can't think about that now.
I have to focus.
<i>Tomorrow is the most important
day in the Coon's life.
<i>Everything the Coon has lived and
fought for comes down to tomorrow.
<i>Concentrate.
How is it that nobody
came to Coonicon '09?
This is just... this is ridiculous!
Got everything you need here, sir?
OK on beverages, buffet items?
Yes, it's fine.
Great. Hey, just want to say
that the airport Hilton really
appreciates your continued business.
What do you mean "continued"?
You don't know who I am.
Aren't you the little boy
who had his ginger pride rally
and his aids benefit here before?
- No! I'm not that kid!
- Oh, really? My bad.
I'm actually relieved.
That kid was kind of a douche bag.
You're a fucking douche bag!
Get out of here!
Oh, hello, sweetie.
What did you do today?
I got boned. That's what I did, mom!
I try to do good stuff
and nobody ever notices.
Oh, what happened, hon?
I can't tell you what happened,
it's about my super secret double life!
<i>Tonight, an incredible story
of an unknown child in South Park
who has taken to the streets
in an effort to fight crime.
What?
But who exactly is Mysterion?
What?
<i>Curious crowds
in the town of South Park, Colorado.
They've brought binoculars,
and cameras to try and get
a shot of the mysterious superhero.
He was dressed mostly in
black with a kind of cloak.
He jumped down from the fire escape
stairs and then he just ran off.
We barely got a look at him.
To me it looked like
Mysterion to me.
Everyone who seen
Mysterion say yeah!
Yeah!
Well, I think he's kind of
a symbol for the town, you know?
A symbol that everyone who's
sick of crime can rally behind.
Fucking butthole.
Well, if you ask me, he's a menace.
There's no room for
vigilantism in today's world.
The artist rendition of Mysterion has
already generated thousands of copies.
You've got to be kidding me!
As hundreds of people
gather to try and get a glimpse
of the superhero,
one question remains...
Who is Mysterion?
Who is Mysterion?
Who is he? Who could he be?
If you have any idea about
the true identity of Mysterion,
please, call the 9 News hotline.
<i>I could no longer sit by
as my city became a cesspool of crime.
<i>I have lived
in South Park all my life.
<i>I decided it was up to
me to keep town safe.
<i>Nobody at school
knows my double life.
<i>To them, I'm just
another fourth grader.
<i>But tonight, I am Mysterion.
Ah, Mysterion,
thank god you've come.
What news do you have?
There's some graffiti
on the bridge again.
I think those sixth
grade kids are doing it.
And the guy at the movie theater
is harassing Mexicans again.
We'll get right on it, Mysterion.
Thank you.
Thank you for all your help.
Godspeed, Mysterion!
You are a beacon of hope in
an otherwise bleak and dreary world!
Dude, seriously. I'm gonna kick
the shit out of you if you don't stop.
The city needs my help.
- It cries for protection and I will...
- answer the call to save her!
That's what I'm supposed to say!
- I know it's you, Kyle. So just stop.
- I don't have time for this.
Fireworks are illegal
in Colorado, you asshole!
Hey, he's got fireworks!
So guys, any of you do anything
interesting last night?
- Not really.
- Really?
Nobody was playing
with any fireworks?
Dude, what the hell?
Kenny! I should have known!
Why do you have a picture of
Mysterion in your locker, Kenny?
Unless you are Mysterion!
Dude, I have a picture of
Mysterion in my locker, too.
- Yeah, so do I.
- What? Why?
I don't know.
It's just a cool costume.
It's not a cool costume!
He just wears his
underwear over his pants!
Now come on!
Which one of you guys is it?
How are you so sure
Mysterion is a boy?
Fucking bitch.
<i>I had no choice.
I was at the end of my rope.
<i>Sometimes when
a superhero needs answers,
<i>he has to turn to on
the wretched underbelly of society.
<i>Look what the cat dragged in.
Come out where I can see you.
<i>What's the matter, Coon? Nervous?
<i>I didn't want to resort to this,
but he could have the answers I need.
<i>How utterly delightful.
<i>The heroic and mighty Coon.
Come to put a stop to me again.
<i>Chaos. I need to keep on my toes.
I'm not here to stop
you this time, Chaos.
I need information.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
But you see I...
But you see I also know
you like to beat me up.
I didn't call you to fight, Chaos.
I came to see if you know
Mysterion's identity.
Oh, I'm close!
And I'll put an end to him
and all of you goodie two shoe heroes.
- I'm not on his side.
- Do you think I'm a fool?
All those times you've stopped
me from my acts of evil.
All those times
you tricked me into meeting you
and then gave me titty-twisters!
Not this time, Coon.
I finally learned my lesson.
Now! General Disarray!
Yeah!
Oho, careful, general Disarray.
Stop! You little
butthole, knock it off!
Yeah! We beat him, general Disarray!
Listen to me! I want
to help you get rid of Mysterion!
Let him go, general Disarray.
Why would you help us?
Because Mysterion is trying to...
Little fucker! That fucking hurt!
Because Mysterion is trying to
say he's the hero this town needs.
But that's my job.
- But you both fight for justice.
- Yeah, but he's a dick!
I want him gone just
as much as you do.
Very well.
I will show you what we know
about Mysterion's identity.
- But if this is some kind of set-up...
- Look, I'm the good guy, Chaos.
- I don't betray people.
- Oh, yeah.
<i>I didn't like working
with this scumbag,
<i>but I knew Mysterion was out there,
plotting his next move.
Hello, Kyle.
What the...
Do not be afraid.
I mean you no harm.
Hey, hey, you're that Mysterion kid!
Yes, but now I believe someone
is trying to learn my true identity.
Dude, everyone's trying to
figure out who you are!
I cannot be unmasked, for then
I would stop being a symbol.
I need help.
Somebody who can do background
checks for me, do some investigating.
Who? Me? Why?
Because I think you are
the smartest kid in class.
This way!
We will now show you
our secret headquarters of Doom!
You guys have
your own storage facility?
Actually, it belongs
to general Disarray's grandma,
but she lets us use it.
This is where we come up
with all our evil plans!
Here's our computer relays.
And this is like a cube of Chaos that
can destroy the world in one second.
And here's some of our evil minions.
We have everything we need here!
Can I offer you a Coke
or a Sprite or something?
I'll take a Sprite.
Get the Coon
a Sprite, general Disarray.
As you can see, we too have been
working hard on Mysterion's identity.
You have an entire wall
dedicated to Mysterion?
What about... Do you still have that
"who is the Coon" t-shirt I gave you?
Oh, yeah.
I think that's around here somewhere.
Using our photos, we are trying
to pinpoint Mysterion's identity.
Why is cartman crossed out?
He could be Mysterion.
No, he's too fat.
Based on his body type, it's gotta
be someone like Stan or Kyle.
All right, all right, look, Chaos.
Just set up a video camera.
I know how we can put an end
to Mysterion once and for all.
The clock is ticking and the citizens
of South Park are gripped in fear.
Two days ago, an evil unknown terrorist
threatened major consequences
if Mysterion does not
reveal his identity.
<i>Mark my words, South Park!
<i>Your precious hero
is now your undoing!
<i>If Mysterion does not unmask
himself publicly by Wednesday night,
<i>I am going to blow up...
<i>a hospital...
<i>Blow up a hospital?
I'm not gonna blow up any hospital!
<i>Are you nuts? What?
<i>The choice is yours, Mysterion.
<i>Unmask yourself
or hundreds will die.
<i>Jesus Christ!
Since the threat was issued there
has been no sign of the Mysterion.
Where is Mysterion?
Where is Mysterion?
Hey, Coon. We aren't actually
going to blow up anything, are we?
If you don't make good on your threats,
then what good are your threats?
But you really won't
to blow up a hospital?
I mean, aren't you a good guy?
Sometimes blowing up hospitals
is for the greater good, Chaos.
You know I've been thinking.
If we're really evil villains,
then we should betray him
and blow him up with the hospital.
You know, you're a little
scrotum licker, dude.
Why don't you shut the up?
All right, Chaos.
I'm gonna get the triggers
for these things at Ace Hardware.
Keep an eye on this stuff.
Oh, jeez. General disarray, this is
a lot more than I ever really intended.
I mean, I hate the world
and all its puny inhabitants and all,
but blowing up
a hospital just seems mean!
Oh, hamburgers!
Mysterion, I...
Why are you doing this?
This isn't your usual M.O., Chaos.
Well, you... I was just...
and then the Coon
showed up and he was...
What is that?
Look!
Mysterion and Professor
Chaos are fighting.
Give him hell, Mysterion!
Look out, Mysterion.
General Disarray is behind you!
Jesus Christ.
We need backup out here!
I think I can get
a shot at Chaos, sir!
You think your bullets can hurt him?
Yeah! We did it!
He's dead.
Mysterion is dead!
No!
The impossible has happened.
Mysterion, beloved protector
of the city,
is dead.
Who will save us now?
Wait! Look!
He's all right!
Oh, my god! Look, everyone!
It's the Coon!
Fear not, everyone.
- The Coon is here to save the day!
- Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?
Be careful, Bruce Vilanch. There's
super humans fighting right over there.
OK, sorry. Sorry.
I give up. Please, I give up.
Don't worry, Mysterion.
The Coon will now help you.
Whoa, wait! I thought
we were working together...
Oh, jeez. I think I broke a tooth.
That was great teamwork, Mysterion.
South Park is safe, until next time.
What next time?
People are obviously
so desperate to learn your identity
that they'll do anything.
Won't be long before
the next villain comes along
and threatens violence
unless you take off your mask.
Citizens, tonight has shown me
that I have no choice,
but to unmask myself.
Don't do it, Mysterion!
If you show your identity, we'll be
forced to arrest you
for being a vigilante.
Don't you think he knows that?
But superheroes know that sometimes
you have to sacrifice yourself
- for the greater good!
- Don't show your face, Mysterion.
You have to be a symbol!
So that the next terrorist can threaten
us if he doesn't unmask himself?
No, it's true.
As long as my identity is a mystery,
this will just happen again and again.
It has to end.
I will show my face.
Well, I'll be.
I knew it was you!
Remember I even said it before!
Wow, a kid from
my class was Mysterion.
Well, I'm sorry,
but you're under arrest.
Take the kid to jail.
<i>My entire plan worked to perfection.
<i>My work here is done.
<i>With Mysterion out of the way,
the Coon can finally go back
<i>to keeping the city safe.
<i>Once again, I alone am the symbol
this town can stand behind.
<i>Every town needs a hero.
<i>Every town needs...
<i>a Coon.
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