S14E14 Crème Fraiche

Passengers said the carnival
cruise line smelled like poop,
but that that was an improvement.
Alright, it's late.
I'm gonna call it a night.
You coming?
Oh ya know, I can't really sleep.
I'm just gonna stay up a bit.
Have some me time.
Randy, do not watch
that no-no channel.
I'm not staying up to do that,
Sharon. Geez.
Alright, come to bed soon.
Man, that is hot.
Oh yeah.
Fuck.
Just look at that rack of ribs!
Now those were slow cooked and
then braised to bring
out the smoky flavor.
God damn. Yeah!
See how that just
falls off the bone?
That is money, right there.
Yeah, fucking money.
Next on food network
it's Paula Dean!
Hey ya'll!
Tonight we're gonna be making
some deep fried chicken.
Oh yeah?
My buttery whipped patatas
and we're gonna be finishing
off with a chocolate pecan pie.
Oh fuck yeah.
Dad, what are you doing?
You're just in time!
Sit down, sit down!
I've made you all breakfast again!
Oh crap.
Now what I have for you
is a nice goat cheese
and heirloom tomato frittata
and we're gonna top that
with a little creme fraiche.
Oh yeah.
Randy, you've been watching
that channel again, haven't you?
No!
Yes, because every time
you watch cooking shows
you stay up all night trying
to copy what they made!
Wul, I'm sorry if there's
something wrong with me
helping out with the cooking!
You think you'd be
grateful, Sharon.
I gotta get to work.
I cooked so you guys clean up.
Can I have a pop-tart?
Oh this is sweet.
I've seen this episode.
Hello and welcome to progressive.
Yes, we're looking
to buy car insurance.
Well, you've come
to the right place.
Oh dear!
I knew we should
have gone to Geico.
Daddy time. It's daddy tv time.
Now just look at
this pork tenderloin.
It is brined and ready for action.
Oh yeah, look at that.
Dad, you know mom doesn't want
you watching food channels.
I've worked all day.
I can watch what I want!
We're gonna take a stick of butter
and just smear that all over.
Oh my God that's awesome.
Oh, oh yeah! Woa!
Now let's get that on the grill.
See what he's doing, Stan?
He brined that for
an hour in the fridge
so now he can sear
the shit out of it.
Look at the char we're getting.
That is what we're going for.
Oooh, isn't that hot guys?
Oh, yeah!
Don't you just...
don't you just wanna get in there!
We will be right
back to good eats.
Hey ladies, are you looking
for a better workout?
Aw, stupid commercials.
Introducing the shake weight.
A spring-loaded workout device
you pump with your arms.
Just grab the piston
and go to work
one-handed, or double-fisted.
Come on!
You just shake it back and forth.
It feels really good in my hands.
Best of all shake weight tells
you when your workout is finished
by chiming, and releasing
a cooldown spray.
Boring!
Order now and we'll include the
optional heart rate monitor.
Just put your finger in the tester
and shake weight takes your pulse!
Get yours today!
Now back to good eats.
Just look at the glaze we
got going now on that thing.
Oh man, yeah!
That is hot!
Alright. Now here's
the really cool part!
What we're gonna do is...
this channel has been
blocked by parental controls
channel blocked?
What the... what the hell?
Sharon, what are you doing?
Just using the parental
controls to block some channels.
I wasn't watching food channels.
Then how do you
know I blocked them.
I know, cuz... I don't know that!
That's what I'm saying!
Gaww!
Thanks for calling the
food network hotline.
Billing is 9.95 for
each 60-second period.
To accept, say 'creme fraiche'
creme fraiche.
Hi there, I'm Amanda.
What are you up to?
Oh hi.
I just thought I'd
give the hotline a try.
What are... what are you doing?
I'm making a pan roasted chicken.
Pan roasted!
Like seared on the stove
and then put in the oven?
Uh-huh.
I've just taken the
chicken out of the pan.
It's so moist.
I'm gonna let it rest now,
about five minutes.
Yeah?
Oh yeah.
Oho, there's lots of browned bits
stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
You gonna deglaze
that fucking pan?
Oh I'm going to deglaze it.
You wanna help me?
If I was there I would.
I'd take some, red wine,
about a quarter cup,
then get a wooden spoon.
And I'd deglaze the
fuck out of that pan.
I gotta wooden spoon right here.
It's pretty hard.
Yeah, you gonna put some onion
in while you're deglazing?
Was thinking about
shallots actually.
Oh yeah, shallots won't overwhelm
the chicken's natural flavors.
Fuck yeah.
Randy marsh!
Sharon!
Your time on food network
hotline has expired.
To add more time say
'creme fraiche.'
I don't know what to do, Sheila.
It's like he's a different person.
Last night I walked in
on him in the bathroom,
he was sitting on the toilet
flambeing a pork chop.
Sharon, I'm so sorry.
It just makes me feel
unwanted, you know?
I mean, am I not
attractive anymore?
I mean, I don't
exercise anymore at all.
Well, if it will make you
feel better about yourself,
then workout, Sharon.
Like I have time to
go to a gym every day.
There are plenty of
things you can buy
to help you get a
good workout at home.
Have you heard of
the shake weight?
Help you find anything?
Yes I was interested
in the shake weights.
Biggest seller the
past four months!
What model are you looking at?
I didn't realize there
were different models.
Well you got your standard,
your deluxe.
Small to large sizes,
but if you're really
looking for a workout
you might want to try the big Jim.
That woman over there
is trying it out.
I think I'll start with
the smaller, white ones.
Smaller white ones, yes, ma'am.
Standard or voice assist model?
Well, I don't know...
I would definitely
recommend the voice assist.
It has recorded voice commands to
help motivate you in your workout.
You are doing excellent!
Great work!
Now switch arms!
Wow! Good job!
You are amazing!
You are very attractive.
And interesting.
Thank you, shake weight.
Come on now, almost finished!
Yes!
Good!
Almost done!
Keep going!
Keep going!
Harder!
Faster!
Your workout is finished!
Here is some cab fare.
Oh wow!
Now going to sleep mode.
You guys have no idea
how much it sucks.
My dad is obsessed.
Every day it's booby flay this,
Gordon ramsay that.
This morning he was
pretending to read playboy,
but he actually had a bon appetit
magazine hidden inside it.
Well, hearing you
bitch about your dad
all the time is super
interesting, Stan.
I hope you do it the
entire lunch period.
Hello there, children!
Aw, what?
How's it goin?
No! Dad, no!
The school was hiring
and I got the job.
Isn't that great?
Dad, you're a geologist!
What about your real job.
I quit!
Now, what I have for
your starters today
is a potato encrusted
scallop with lobster foam.
And we're gonna top that
with some nice creme fraiche.
Lobster foam?
It says very clearly
on the lunch schedule
that today is pizza day!
Yes, and so this is
my take on a pizza.
It's an Asian slaw on flatbread,
deconstructed and topped
with a nice parmesan aioli.
Dad, no!
I'm gonna tell mom.
Go back to your
other job right now.
Stan there is nothing wrong with
a man following his passion!
Oooh yeah.
Fuck yeah!
Mom?
Mom!
You gotta do something.
Dad's trying to be
our new school chef.
Oh I know.
He tried out all his recipes
here and left me with the mess.
Well you gotta tell
him to stop, mom!
You think your father is
going to listen to me?
This is a workout reminder.
Time for a workout.
This thing is so great.
It reminds me when I haven't
worked out in a while.
That's it.
Work it.
Harder.
Faster.
Mom, dad's food sucks
and the kids at school are
starting to get pissed at me.
Sorry, Stan, but I need to
start doing things for myself.
You are independent and strong.
Right.
I spend all my time trying to
take care of everybody else.
Switch arms.
I don't need to look good to keep
your father interested in me.
I'm just going to do it for me.
You are so motivated and charming.
It is time to take your pulse.
Insert finger.
Do not stop your arms.
Keep going.
Good.
Get your finger up
there a little more.
Your pulse is 145.
Faster!
Harder!
Who says that school
cafeteria food
can't be healthy,
delicious and gourmet?
Today we're gonna be making the
students my tasty baked ziti
with basil and fresh mozzarella.
It's all right here,
right now on cafeteria fraiche.
Oh fuck yeah.
Oh yeah.
Man!
Dad, what are you doing?
Fraiiiiche.
Cafeteria fraiche.
Alright, now for my baked
ziti we are gonna start off
by getting some extra virgin
olive oil into the pan.
Oh yeah.
Get that all over there.
It's all slick.
It's all wet and slick.
Can we get some food please?
Now, olive oil does
have a low smoke point,
so keep the heat low
and keep in fraiche.
That's so fucking hot.
Look at that crust is perfect.
Fuck yeah.
Dad you aren't ever going
to be a celebrity chef!
Quiet on set, please!
No dad. That's enough.
You need to be focusing
on getting mom back!
Back from where?
Oh, this is so nice.
I really needed this.
You are so lovely and elegant.
You can do anything
you set your mind to.
Oh thanks, shake weight.
You are a go-getter.
You are strong and confident.
You're right!
Tell me again about the
women who you do not like.
Well, Linda Stotch
is a real gossiper,
and Tammy Bretz at work
is just a know-it-all.
Oh you are so witty and
alarmingly insightful.
How about a quick workout?
A workout?
What, right now?
Just a quickie.
You can do it.
I don't really like
working out in public.
Come on.
You can do it!
That's it!
Good!
Keep it up!
Feel the burn.
Harder!
Faster!
You are amazing!
Switch arms.
Oh, that's it.
Yes.
You are getting
really good at this.
You are capable of anything.
Harder.
Faster.
I said faster!
More.
Do it.
You are almost there.
Home stretch.
Oh, yes.
Your workout is finished.
Your cab fare.
Now go into sleep mode.
We really think this
is gonna work, Stan.
All we have to do
is convince your dad that
his cooking sucks, right?
He's not going to listen to us.
We already tried.
He won't listen to us,
but he would listen
to Gordon ramsay.
That's stupid, cartman.
He does kind of
look like him, dude,
and Kenny thinks cartman's Gordon
ramsay impersonation is really good.
Yeah, it's really good!
Let's hear it, cartman.
Right.
Simple, rustic. Yeah?
Wake up!
Jesus!
Fuck me!
You're not a fucking chef!
Hi, right, Gordon, yeah.
Making a nice,
simple beef Wellington.
You're fucking
taking the piss yeah?
Fuck me you can't cook!
You guys, my dad is retarded
but he's not that retarded.
Hey Stan, have you seen my...
oh my God, it's Gordon ramsay!
Stan do you know who
that is in there?
That's the Gordon ramsay.
Uh yeah, dad he'd
like to talk to you.
Talk to me?
Oh Jesus.
You have not worked
out in seven hours.
Oh God, not right now.
Come on.
Let's get to it.
I'm tired.
You have not worked
out in seven hours.
Where is that sleep mode button?
Cannot go to sleep mode.
You need to workout first.
Come on, just really fast.
Come on.
It won't take long.
Just a quick workout.
Come on.
Please.
Alright, fine.
That's it.
Good.
A little faster.
Harder.
Come on, get into it.
That's it.
Now switch arms.
You are so attractive and you
have interesting things to say.
Come on.
You are almost there.
Faster.
Do it faster.
Now going to sleep mode.
What the fuck kind of
cook do you think you are?
You are having a laugh, hay?
Hay, you've got your fucking
head up your ass, don't you!
Yes, chef!
Give up you wanka!
You fucking can't cook for shit!
Alright dad.
Gordon ramsay says you suck.
It's time to give up.
No Stan!
No chef!
This is my dream!
You aren't ever going to
become a celebrity chef, dad!
Give up on your dream!
Uh excuse me. Randy marsh?
Yes, I... oh my God
it's Bobby flay!
Stan, that's Bobby flay!
I heard that Gordon ramsay
had taken an interest
in your cafeteria food!
So now I would like
to challenge you
to a school cafeteria
food throwdown!
What, are you serious?
Yes, yes!
A culinary battle royal
is set to explode here
in a school cafeteria.
Will it be the simple, rustic
cafeteria food of the challenger?
Or will the iron
chef reign supreme?
Hey no, no all you
people get out of here.
Hold on! Wait!
School cafeteria food
needs to be healthy!
Why won't people listen to me?!
Jamie Oliver!
And our celebrity sous chefs!
Mario Batali!
Paula Dean!
And Giada de Laurentis!
With her perky tats
and gigantic head!
Can I just get some
God damn tater tots?!
Your room is being serviced.
Oh well.
Uh, excuse me!
Oh! No! No, sorry!
I done with cleaning, thank you.
Please sorry!
What's the big deal?
She wanted to work out.
You never want to work out.
I just needed help
going to sleep, mode.
What.
What.
Come on.
What.
You are amazing and irreplaceable.
What.
How about a quick workout.
What.
Yes, I don't care.
I just want to find out how
to return my shake weight.
This is ridiculous.
Give shake weight a break.
Because I want to return it now,
I need to know the
address of your company.
You are enticing and lovely.
Tell me again about the
women you do not like.
I don't care how long I've had it,
I want my money back.
You are so forthcoming
and delightful.
Tell me about which woman at
work makes you the angriest.
Tonight,
a school cafeteria
in middle America
is the stage for a
heavyweight culinary battle!
The very best of the
best will cookoff
to find out who can make the
best school cafeteria food.
It's the hell's kitchen nightmares
iron top chef cafeteria throwdown
ultimate cookoff challenge!
Behind you!
Who's cafeteria food will win?
These chef's are cooking
their hearts out
and bringing their a game
to serve the kids of
this elementary school!
These kids have now been waiting
over 12 hours for their lunch!
Over at the prep station
Jamie Oliver is crying again.
Kid's food should be hewfy!
Why in'nit hewfffy?
And back in the kitchen
the challenger appears
to have lost something.
Where is it?
I must have left it at home!
I'll be right back!
The challenger has
left the cafeteria
to find his most
important ingredient.
Creme fraiche!
Creme fraiche!
Where is it?
Where is it?
Dammit where is
that creme fraiche?
Where did I leave that
fucking creme fraiche?!
It has to be somewhere!
Randy, I'm back.
Oh thank God! Sharon!
Have you seen my creme fraiche?
Randy, we should talk.
I don't have time!
I'm cooking right now!
Randy, I don't want
our marriage to fail.
I don't know how to fix
what's wrong but please,
can't we just go to bed and
start fresh in the morning?
You don't understand, Sharon!
I've got Gordon ramsay up my ass,
Bobby flay about to kick my ass
and the whole world
is gonna be watching!
I can't sleep!
I haven't slept for days!
What'd you say?
I can't sleep, Sharon.
I'm in work mode.
Can I try something?
Sharon, what are you... oh!
A nice ol' fashioned!
Oh, that's good.
Oh that's it.
Yeah, now switch arms.
Oh that's good.
Really good. Wow!
How'd you get so good at this?
You're amazing!
That's it!
Faster!
Faster!
Haven't had an old
fashioned in a long time.
Oh I'm tired.
You gonna go back to the kitchen?
Oh, no. Fuck that.
I'm going to sleep, babe.
Here, do you need some
money or anything?
No, I'm good. Thanks.
I'll get my old job back tomorrow.
Cooking's dumb.
I'm just really sleepy.
Love you, Sharon.
I guess my work here is finished.
Shake weight, you aren't really
workout equipment at all, are you?
Marriage is important.
Keep your man happy.
When things are going bad,
there's nothing like an old
fashioned to ease that stress.
I'll remember that now,
thanks to you.
It has been nice
getting to know you,
how about a quick workout,
for old time's sake?
Just kidding.
I must be going now.
Another lovely woman needs me.
Goodbye.
Customer!
Goodbye, shake weight.

S14E13 Coon vs. Coon and Friends

Sentem-se de volta,
justiceiros,
and listen to another edition of
America's favorite super hero!
Mintberry Crunch!
Our story begins in a remote
corner of the Gulf of Mexico!
The BP oil company drills
into the ocean floor!
But they drill too much,
and the BP oil company
accidentally unleashes Cthulhu,
an ancient evil God
from another dimension!
Halfway across the country,
a mild mannered, attractive
fourth grader, Bradley Biggle,
hears of the disaster on the
news while with his friends.
But Bradley Biggle is no
ordinary fourth grader!
Not long ago he realized he had
super powers he could call upon,
by turning in place and
saying the magic word!
Shablagoo!
And in a flash Bradley is
transformed into that
thrilling super hero,
Mint Berry Crunch!
Joined by the other coon friends,
Mintberry Crunch went to
investigate the Gulf spill crisis!
The super heroes came across a cult,
in existence for years,
that had been waiting
for Cthulhu's arrival!
They are the key to stopping
Cthulhu from taking over the world.
Sometimes, when
everything seems hopeless,
that's when you need
to bring it all.
That's when you need
to bring the Crunch.
Dude, I'm sorry,
but we still aren't getting it.
You're half man, and half berry?
Right!
But then what exactly
is your super power?
The power of mint and berries yet
with a satisfying tasty crunch!
No, see, that's the problem, dude.
That's not really a super power.
Like I have mental command
over all power tools,
human kite can fly.
And shoot lasers out of my eyes.
And shoot lasers out of his eyes,
and Mysterion can...
Wait! What's your super power,
Mysterion?
I can't die.
Ooh, yeah, good one.
Mysterion can't die and iron
maiden is indestructible...
No, Stan, I'm being serious.
I really, really can't die.
What?
Like last night in the alley!
The cult leader stabbed me and
I bled all over the place.
And you screamed, oh my God,
and you called him a bastard!
When was that?
All the time!
I die all the time!
And you assholes never remember!
I think we would
remember you dying, dude.
Well, you don't! I die over,
and over.
Only to wake up in my bed
like nothing happened.
Dude, you're freakin'
out Mintberry Crunch.
He's peed his pants.
No, no!
Mintberry Crunch doesn't
ever pee his pants!
I knew there'd be no point
in telling you guys.
Alright, dude. Let's just say
you're not crazy and it's true.
What's the big deal?
I mean, I think it'd be pretty
cool not to be able to die.
Pretty cool?
Do you know what it feels
like to be stabbed?
To be shot, decapitated,
torn apart, burned, run over...
Kenny, Kenny calm down.
It's not pretty cool, Kyle!
It fucking hurts!
And it won't go away and
nobody will believe me!
Remember this time!
Try and fucking remember!
Oh my God!
Holy shit dude!
Dude! Is he... Oh Jesus!
Kenny.
No, no!
Gather around, believers in good,
and listen to the newest
installment of the coon!
It all began when the BP oil company
drilled into the ocean floor
and ripped open a hole
to another dimension.
Seeing the disaster on coonvision,
the coon immediately called
together his trusty coon friends.
As the coon explained how
the disaster could be stopped,
something terrible happened.
Without warning,
the coon friends changed.
Their super powers
morphed somehow,
turning them into super villains.
The coon tried to
reason with them.
Tried to bring them back
to the side of good.
But it was too late.
Their black hearts had been
tainted by hate and rage.
The coon was alone.
Torn by the ultimate dilemma.
He had to put a stop
to the evil villains,
even though they had
once been his friends.
Sometimes, to fight
the ultimate evil,
you must make friends
with enemies.
The coon teamed up with Cthulhu,
because even Cthulhu knows what
evil assholes Kyle and
Stan and those guys are.
And that they are manipulative,
uncaring, vagina faces!
They are all planning
to destroy the world.
Only one thing can stop them.
The coon.
With Cthulhu's help,
I can try to banish them to a
dark oblivion for all eternity.
I will not rest
until that happens.
Eric Cartman!
Hi mom.
Where have you been young man?
Just doing stuff, mom.
Are my friends downstairs
in the secret base?
Yes they are,
but you were supposed to
be grounded in your room.
And now you are more grounded,
young man!
The coon's mother appears
to be extremely upset.
In order to get past her,
I must use the Lebron
James technique.
Eric, are you listening to me?
Mom, what should I do?
What?
What should I do?
Should I admit I made mistakes?
Should I say I've
done this before?
Should write a song about how I
should have stayed in my room?
What should I do?
What do you mean? What should...
Should I say I'm not a role model?
Should I not listen
to my conscience.
It's my conscience, mom!
What should I do?
Go back to my room and
pretend nothing happened?
Not jump out the window
and fly to New Orleans?
What should I do, mom? Tell me!
I just... I... I'm going to go
make you kids some lemonade.
Alright, coon friends!
What good deed should we do next?
Perhaps we should bake more
lemon bars to raise money
for people in need!
Okay!
You guys have no memory
of me shooting myself
in the head, do you?
What?
What we need to do is talk
to people in that cult.
I want to know where
my powers come from.
Yeah, cool, let's talk about
where our powers come from!
I was bitten by a
radioactive mosquito!
I was in a car accident
then put back together
with tupperware parts!
Ti- Timmy!
Will you guys listen to me?
I actually have a power
that I actually
want to know about!
Hey guys.
So what's goin' on?
Go away, Cartman.
We kicked you out of coon
and friends, remember?
No, I know. That's cool.
I understand.
Even though I started it and
the secret base is in my house.
Yeah, that's totally
understandable.
You just wanted to frame
and blackmail people,
then you beat up Clyde and
Bradley for no reason!
No, you're right. For no reason.
Clearly something
is wrong with me.
But you guys, what should I do?
You should fuck off.
That's what you should do.
Alright. Look, you guys
were totally right, okay?
That's all I wanted to say.
That and there's a
double rainbow outside.
A what?
Double rainbow, you guys.
Ya don't see 'em often,
but there's one outside right now.
You gotta come see!
A double rainbow!
Shablagoo!
Wait, Mintberry Crunch.
You might not wanna go...
Hey, can I see the
double rainbow fellas?
Fellas?
Isn't it beautiful, you guys?
There's no double rainbow,
fat ass.
You are correct, Human Kyte.
Not that super villains
like you guys could ever
see a double rainbow.
What are you talking about?
Your evil doing days
are over, mosquito!
All of you shall now be dealt
the swift hand of justice!
Cartman you are the
bad guy, not us.
Nu-uh, you guys are the bad guy.
What are you doing
with that thing?
He's going to help me
get rid of you guys,
so together we can make
the world a better place!
Cartman, if you team up
with the most evil thing
in all the universe
then clearly, you are the bad guy!
No, because it's for
the greater good
like when superman teamed
up with Lex Luthor.
Superman never teamed
up with Lex Luthor!
Well, that's why superman isn't
around anymore, isn't it?
Cthulhu, banish them to
a dark oblivion please.
Dude, that was awesome!!!
You were all like rrrrrrrr!
And they were all like noooooo!
Alright. Now,
we've taken out most
of the synagogues,
destroyed San Francisco,
sent my friends into
a dark oblivion,
and so our next order of
business will be burning man!
Burning man is the biggest
hippie festival in the world,
and tomorrow, we are
gonna wipe em all out!
Pretty soon the whole
world will be transformed
thanks to the coon!
Yes, yes, the coon and friend.
Now after burning man,
we will take down whole foods, alright.
The dark God is agitated.
The coon will have to use an
even more manipulative method
time to bust out cute kitty.
Dude, where the fuck are we?
I don't know but,
I feel like I've been here before.
And so the coon had returned
with the dark lord Cthulhu!
Upon seeing Cthulhu in person,
Mintberry Crunch,
heroically dashed off to...
to save the day!
With minty coolness
he hurried back home!
And heroically watched judge Judy,
knowing that his super hero
friends were probably
just fine without him!
Oh shit!
We aren't going that way!
You guys, I wanna go home!
We all wanna go home, Clyde!
I don't think we're gonna
last very long out here.
Maybe we should just find a
place to hide and wait for help.
What help, dude?
Nobody in the real world
even knows we're here!
Alright, you guys,
hide as long as you can.
I'll try and find help.
How, dude?
Kenny, where the
hell are you going?
I'm going to try to get
you all out of here.
If this works.
Or I could be wrong.
Kenny!
That fucking hurts!
Oh my God! Kenny.
You... you crazy bastard!
It's burning man!
Biggest party in the world baby!
Fucking hippies!
Fuck all you!
The dark and evil Cthulhu
is bringing his angry wrath
down upon the burning
man festival, Tom.
Cthulhu isn't behaving as most
scientists had speculated Tom,
but the dark lord is wreaking
havoc everywhere and...
No, no, excuse me!
It is not 'Cthulhu.'
it is coon and friend.
I'm a little sick of everyone
giving him all the credit
when I'm the one really making
the world a better place.
Tom, it appears that
Bruce Vilanch has arrived
on the scene wearing
a rat costume.
Oh you motherfucker.
Cthulhu this guy too!
Cool.
Oh, get that fire-twirling
hippie bitch!
This freaking sucks!
We worshiped and
prayed to Cthulhu,
went to all the cult meetings,
but life is still
totally freakin' gay.
I thought that when Cthulhu
rose from the depths
all was gonna be
darkness and pain.
I thought at least
school would be canceled.
How do I fight him?
Oh joy, it's underwear boy again.
That God you pray to just
took away all my friends.
Not our God.
He promised everything would
change if we worshiped him,
but we're just sitting here
smoking cigarettes like before.
It's like Obama all over again.
How do I fight him?
Cthulhu isn't alive or dead,
alright.
Tell me what that means.
Henrietta! Your little brother
wants to play with you.
Go away, mom! I hate you!
Just let your little brother
play with your friends, sweetie.
He's lonely.
Go on in, Bradley.
Will you guys paint with me?
Fuck off dork.
I don't want you here!
Please can I just...
M-Mysterion!
What's going... Uh,
that's okay, sis.
I'll play with you another time!
Mysterion is here!
He must have come for my help!
No time to waste.
Time for Bradley
Biggle to transform!
Shablagoo!
Alright, look,
the Necronomicon is an
account of the old ones,
their history and the
means for summoning them.
Old ones?
Dark deities that
existed before man.
It was written by a mad prince,
who knew of the nightmare
city of R'Lyeh,
which fell from the stars
and exists beneath the sea,
and in another dimension.
That's it.
That's the place I just was!
You've been to the
nightmare city of R'Lyeh?
Lucky.
Cthulhu and other beings
are from this city,
but for years cultists have tried
to bring them into our world.
And what about Cthulhu's power?
Why can't old ones die?
The only thing that can
destroy an immortal,
is another immortal.
Don't worry, Mysterion!
Mintberry Crunch is here to help
you with these black cultists!
Get out of my room, twerp!
Mintberry Crunch isn't
afraid of his fat sister!
Grab her legs Mysterion!
Mysterion?
Oh crap!
Hey Mysterion! Wait up!
Come on, wait up!
Us coon friends need to
stick together, remember?
Where're you going?
Wherever Cthulhu is.
What?
But he'll kill you!
Maybe,
but with any luck I might
find the reason for my powers.
Oh right!
Maybe I can find the
reason for my powers too!
You don't understand.
How was it that Mint
and Berry came together
delivering full flavor
and an intense crunch?
We must find out
answers Mysterion!
Mysterion, I'm going with you!
After the triumphant
victory over the evil
hippies of burning man,
coon and friends turn their
attention to the next
villainous scourge.
Bravely taking out every whole
foods left in the country.
No more organic crap for America.
Thanks to coon and friends,
the country would soon
be rid of all evil.
But first,
they would come up against
our most challenging
and most evil opponent.
Justin Bieber.
In order to save the earth,
this little butthole
had to be stopped.
Yup that's him.
So long, Justin Bieber.
You little douche bag.
The dark God Cthulhu
continues his rampage of
destruction and terror,
and there seems to
be no hope for man.
I am joined now by a supposed
team member of Cthulhu,
the coon.
It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter.
He is merely a small piece
of coon and friends,
who will continue to fight
for good and justice.
Good and justice.
Justin Bieber and most of his
fans have just been massacred.
Yes, coon and friends
are happy to help.
We do not need
thanks for our deeds,
we do not want gifts.
All we want
is for people to buy our coon
and friends t-shirts for 14.95.
Hey fat boy!
Kenny?
What the hell I sent you...
To the sunken city of R'Lyeh
fallen from the stars!
You little fucking prick!
What is wrong with you!
What kind of sick fucking
shit does that to his friends?
It's not my fault you
guys turned evil, Kenny!
You are the bad guy, fat boy, you!
I'm going around making
the world a better place!
For you!
You're making it a
better place for you!
Right, that's what
super heroes do.
No. This is what super heroes do.
You banished me, but I'm back!
What does that make me?
Bring back my friends!
Take me!
Mysterion, no!
What are you doing?
Only an immortal can
kill another immortal!
Here's your prize!
Take this curse away from me,
you big pussy!
Don't listen to him Cthulhu!
We have more important
stuff to do.
Go on!
Kill me before I kill you!
But bring my friends back, wuss!
Cthulhu!
You are a coon friend
and I am the coon!
You will listen to me!
No!
Come back!
I have to know what I am!
Come back!
Fuck you Kenny!
Come back you fat piece of shit!
Hello, my son.
If you are seeing this message,
then it must be dark times,
and you must have many questions.
Your true name is Gokzarah.
The power given to you comes
from a planet far away.
You are from that planet,
Gokzarah.
It is for that reason you
have a power that normal
humans do not have.
I know you must sometimes see
this power as a curse,
but you were sent here to stop
evil from taking over the earth,
and now that time
has apparently come.
You must now harness and
focus your power, Gokzarah.
The power of mint & berries yet
with a tasty, satisfying crunch.
Yes! Yes, please go on!
Your home planet, Kotojn
is known throughout the
universe for its berry mines.
Berries that have the power
to fuel nearly anything.
Needless to say, when the
Mint hunters of Koganra
got word of them,
our fate was already sealed,
Gokzarah.
But our two worlds collided,
and soon Mint and Berry were one.
Your mother and I sent you
as far away as we could.
Use your powers, son.
Save earth.
Shablagoo.
I will, father!
No more running away
for Mint Berry Crunch!
Hello Cthulhu, I heard you
haven't been berry nice.
Not enough huh?
Maybe the intense flavor of
Mint will freshen things up!
I reach the Gulf of
Mexico in no time!
And with all my strength,
I drag Cthulhu back to the
depths from whence he came!
My trusty hero
companions are there!
Still alive!
I return them to their
world encased in a
protective berry bubble!
Then it's back down to seal
up the hole created
by the BP oil company!
Returning home only momentarily
to flip of my fat sister!
Dude, thanks for getting us
out of that dark oblivion,
Mintberry Crunch.
No, no! We worked as a team!
All the coon and friends stopped
the BP drilling spill crisis!
And finally the evil coon
is right where he belongs.
Come on you guys!
This is fucking bullcrap.
Let me out!
You're not going
anywhere for a long time.
This is inhumane!
There's a big bucket
with butters' poop in it
and there's nothing to eat!
You got poop don't ya?
Well, I'm off.
There are still many more
questions left unanswered.
I need to know what
happened to my parents.
Well, come back and
visit anytime, dude.
I will!
Shablagooo!
Fucking Mint Berry fucking Crunch.
Wow! Can you believe it, Kenny?
Bradley actually had super powers.
Isn't that cool?
Yeah.
I'm tired, guys.
Think I'm gonna go to bed.
Oh my God!
Holy shit, dude!
Kenny! No! No!
What, what?
It's happening again!
We shoulda never gone to
that stupid cult meeting.

S14E11 Coon 2 Hindsight

My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped
three murders from happening.
I don't know why, but we're
seeing a huge trend in crime.
We have to find out the
source of this evil.
Something big is about to happen
and it's up to Coon and
friends to stop it.
Yes, Toolshed, why do we have
to be called Coon and friends?
- What?
- We all fight crime together.
How come we're just your friends?
Yeah. We want to be called
the extreme avenger league.
Yeah.
I told you Tupperware,
- extreme avenger league doesn't work.
- Why no.
Why can't it be
Mosquito and friends?
Nobody [bleep] heard of you, Mosquito?
Have so.
Guys, we need to find out what is
causing the crime wave in this city.
Mysterion, you and the human
kite get on the computer.
Dig up what you can.
Tupperware and Mosquito,
scan the papers.
Work, people!
Mintberry Crunch,
could I have a quick work with you
in the debriefing chamber?
Okay.
I enjoy having you be a part of
Coon and friends and I certainly
appreciate your on-time
paying of dues and fees.
It's just I don't...
I'm not getting your deal.
I mean, exactly what is Mintberry
Crunch supposed to mean?
I get that you're half man,
half berry and that you're Crunchy
with some mint.
But to be a part of Coon
and friends, you have to
have a clear and more super
hero kind of identity.
Mintberry Crunch, I'm just
wondering if maybe you need to
add something else to the Mintberry
Crunch part of your costume.
Like milk?
No, not like milk.
You see, I think we're on different
pages here, Mintberry Crunch.
It's like...
Coon and friends alert!
Uh-oh!
What's the alert, Mosquito?
There's like a big fire or
something in town. A fire?
Coon volume up.
Has to be at least 20 people trapped
inside the apartment building.
Firefighters are having no luck.
This is what we've
been waiting for!
Coon and friends, let's head out?
All right, yeah. Let's go.
Yeah.
Mintberry Crunch, why don't you
stay here and mind the cave, okay?
We have to get down town fast,
Coon and friends.
Mom, drive us downtown.
It's late.
You keep playing downstairs.
Mom, you're the Coon's
favorite butler.
I want to go down town now.
All right.
I can get some groceries anyway.
Into the Coon mobile, everyone.
Let's hope we get there in time.
All right. Buckled up for safety?
Don't talk to us like that, mom.
We're super heroes.
Eric, what have we talked
about with that language?
One more time I'm not
taking you anywhere.
I'm sorry, mom. Can we go, please?
Unbelievable!
We tried getting in
through the back.
It was no good.
Those people will die if
we don't do something.
Oh, my goodness. It's a fire.
Come on, Coon and friends.
No, Eric, stay in the car,
sweetie.
Can we try a helicopter?
Winds are too high.
The chopper would burn in minutes.
What's the problem?
Kids, get back.
Whatever is happening, you need
help from the Coon. And friends.
Keep the children back, Thompson.
Please, sir...
Sweetie, let the
firemen do their job.
Shut up, mom, God!
Look, up in the sky.
It's him!
My God, it's really him.
He's come to help us.
Captain Hindsight.
Who is Captain Hindsight?
Captain Hindsight,
the hero of the modern age.
Once Northern as Jack Brolin,
a reporter for the national news.
The hero was born when a freak accident
gave him the power of hindsight.
For toxic spills,
there's no task too large for
Captain Hindsight.
Captain Hindsight,
thank God you've come.
What is the skinny?
There's people trapped in that
burning building, Captain Hindsight.
The fire is so massive,
we can't get to them.
See the windows on the right side?
They should have built fire escapes
there for the higher floors
so the people could
have gotten down.
The roof should have been
reinforced so a helicopter could
have landed on it.
Of course.
And the building to the left,
they shouldn't have
built it there.
Now you can't park fire
trucks where you need to.
Looks like my job is done.
Good-bye, everyone!
Thank you, Captain Hindsight.
Thank you!
All right, everyone.
I guess that's it.
Let's pack it up.
Oh, boy, did you hear about
that fire downtown, Sharon?
Oh, my gosh, yes.
They said like 14 people died.
It's just ridiculous to me
that didn't build fire
scapes on the upper floors.
Ridiculous.
I know.
If you ask me, they should have
built a roof with enough support
to land a helicopter.
Hello!
You guys are just repeating
what that Hindsight guy said.
Yes.
He's our protector and guardian.
We're thankful he was
there for the fire.
Now we can eat in peace.
Coon and friends alert!
Coon and friends alert.
Who the hell is that?
Alert, guys. I'm serious.
Mom, dad, I finished dinner.
Can I go to my room?
Sure, Stan.
How did that get there, Randy?
I don't know.
Take it down.
It's noisy.
I can't. I don't know what
happened to all my tools.
All right. Toolshed is here.
We can start.
Who said you could put a big
siren in my parents house?
Yeah.
I got in trouble for it.
The Coon has to signal his friends
when a catastrophe breaks out.
What have the catastrophe?
Did you not see
that Hindsight guy?
Yeah.
So there's a big super hero
out there and he's not
part of Coon and friends.
Jesus.
I looked into it.
This Captain Hindsight
is everywhere.
He's like this butt hole scab.
He has to join us.
Fellows, could you let me out?
It's been like six days.
You're not going anywhere, Chaos.
Yeah.
You only gave me this bucket
to poop in and it's full.
I don't have anything to eat.
You have poop, don't you?
How can we get him to join us?
Who cares if he's not
part of Coon and friends?
I care.
We have to wait to the next disaster
and beat Hindsight to the scene.
There's not going to
be a worse disaster.
What could be worse than a
fire that killed 14 people?
All right.
This looks like a
jolly good place.
Yes.
Let her rip!
That's it, lad.
Collect that oil.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, don't tell me we did it again!
Coon and friends alert!
All Coon friends report to base.
I'm serious.
Coon and friends alert!
Good, you're all here.
Take a look at this.
Coon volume up.
It's a scene of utter
despair and catastrophe.
Oil from the ocean is spilling
out out of control and the
rescue effort seems futile.
It's horrible.
We can't stop the oil from
contaminating everything.
Our home is full of sludge.
There's a loogie my scrimp.
Look at all that oil on my scrimp.
Another oil could be
devastation for the gulf.
We have to help those people.
Yes.
This is a child for
Coon and friends.
Let's pack the gulf
full of flavor.
Wait, look.
It's Captain Hindsight.
Oh, no!
What seems to be the problem?
It's that BP oil rig.
It drilled into a marine sanctuary
and the environment
is being poisoned.
If we can't stop it,
the spill could reach New Orleans.
All right.
You see where that
rig is drilling?
Yes.
It's in too deep of water.
They shouldn't have drilled in
that deep of water because now
they can't get machines deep
enough to fix the spill.
Yes, yes.
Now if it's a valve that ruptured,
they should have installed a
back up valve in case that broke.
I believe they did,
Captain Hindsight.
Right.
Then they should have had
a back up safety valve
to that backup safety valve.
He's right.
My work is done.
I'm off to find others in need.
Thank you, Captain Hindsight.
God bless you!
Can I help you?
I understand this is where
Captain Hindsight lives?
Yes.
I need to speak with him, please.
The Captain is very busy dealing
with the gulf oil crisis.
I believe I have something that can help
him deal with that oil crisis, sir.
Mr. Hindsight, sir, this
young man would like a word.
Please, sit down,
what can I do for you?
Mr. Hindsight, I represent
some very high profile people.
I've been asked to give
you some exciting news.
You have been preapproved to
become the newest member
of Coon and friends.
Of what?
I know the Coon personally.
Can tell you being a Coon
is the highest honor.
As you can see in the papers,
your first three months
of dues have been waived.
This must be majorly
exciting for you.
Captain Hindsight, come in.
Go ahead.
The oil keeps coming up.
We have other rigs catching fire.
They should have hosed down the
other rigs when the spill began.
That shouldn't have happened.
Thank you.
Captain Hindsight,
the dolphins are dying.
Get down to the volunteers
and tell them they should have
used a nonbleaching cleanser.
Yes.
Commissioner, tell the
commissioner he shouldn't have
sent pictures of his shlong.
It's not a blessing, it's a curse.
So anyways, if you wanted to
start filling out the form,
we'll get you enrolled in
Coon and friends right away.
I'm sorry, kid.
I work alone.
The problem with that is there's a super
hero union called Coon and friends.
If you refuse to be a part
of that union, you're a scab.
Get this kid out of here.
I have to think.
You'll be hearing from...
the Coon's lawyer, sir!
The BP oil spill in the gulf
continues to get worse every day.
As public anger towards the BP
company grows, their president
released this statement.
Hello.
I'm Tony Hayward.
President and CEO of BP.
Our accidental drilling spill
in the gulf is a tragedy that
should have never happened.
To all those affected,
I want to say
we are deeply sorry.
We're sorry.
We're sorry.
We're sorry.
Sorry.
BP is taking full responsibility
for cleaning up the
spill in the gulf.
In doing so,
we have changed our name
to beyond petroleum to
dependable petroleum.
BP, we no longer the earth,
we BP it.
Gentlemen, my attempts to
recruit Captain Hindsight into
Coon and friends has
been unsuccessful.
I've come up with a solution.
Coon vision on.
All we need to do is get
pictures of Captain Hindsight
naked with Courtney Love.
We'll tell him if he doesn't join us,
we'll put them on the Internet.
How do we get the pictures?
Simple.
We dress Professor Chaos
up as Courtney Love.
Take pictures of him naked with a
homeless guy and photo shop it.
Oh, me?
Don't make me be Courtney Love.
We have to get to work fast.
Coon and friends ho!
You want us to take pictures
to blackmail Captain Hindsight.
That's because you
have a small brain.
What is going on in the gulf is
more important than blackmail.
Who cares?
Mosquito has a good plain.
Hear him out.
My true identity is secret.
We all have a say in
this organization.
Let Mosquito talk.
All right.
How do you want to help people
suffering in the gulf crisis?
We can help raise money by
having a bake sale. A bake sale?
I have a recipe from
lemon bars from my mom.
We can wear costumes
and solemn Monday bars.
We're super heroes,
not girl scouts.
Those people need help.
Sometimes helping in
smaller ways work.
It would help taking
pictures of butters.
Shot up.
You're not anything.
That's another thinking.
No more picking on
Mintberry Crunch.
Are you the boss now?
No.
But we're all equal.
From now on, we vote.
Who wants to go with my plan?
Sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
To the grocery store!
As we walked along the road
to the grocery store, any Coon
sense startle tingling.
Something is wrong.
I knew I must act.
A Coon must know when
to defend itself.
We're back to normal.
Just like before and all forgotten,
right, right?
Right, right.
Right.
So what's next for
Coon and friends?
Another crisis in the gulf of
Mexico as the oil company BP has
once again made a huge error.
This time the oil company has accidentally
ripped a hole into another dimension.
The oil company stated they knew
another dimension was there
but didn't think drilling
into it would be problematic.
Now hundreds of creatures from
another dimension are spilling
out into our reality
and wreaking havoc.
Hello.
I'm Tony Hayward.
CEO of BP.
Tearing a hole into another
dimension is a tragedy that
should have never happened.
And as CEO, I would like to say,
we're sorry.
Captain Hindsight, sir?
Calls for help are pouring in,
you have to get out to the gulf.
I can't help anyone right now.
Something came up.
What, sir?
You know you can tell me.
Do you remember last week when
I got really, really drunk?
Yes, sir.
Look at those photos on the desk.
My God is that you and Courtney Love?
Of course, it's Courtney Love.
But when did you...
I don't remember.
That's just the point.
I get drunk and I
don't remember things.
I shouldn't have drank that much.
And I shouldn't
have missed alcohol.
Alcohol shouldn't be legal.
Oh, it's maddening!
It doesn't matter now, sir.
People are getting hurt in the
gulf and they need to know what
they could have done.
I should have never kept that
bottle of MacAllen in the pantry.
Shouldn't have gotten...
Sir, sir!
Creatures from another dimension
wreak havoc in the gulf.
The question everybody is asking
is where is Captain Hindsight.
Where are you, Captain Hindsight!
Speaking cajun ***.
With Captain Hindsight missing
who can save the gulf now?
I've done it.
Hindsight is taken care of.
Now the country can be
made of Coon and friends.
There's more important
things to discuss right now.
Right, Toolshed.
How do we deal with these
creatures from another dimension?
Hey, we need to discuss
things with what?
I don't know.
Tupperware, you tell him.
I don't want to tell him.
I'll tell him.
Coon, I'm sorry but we're kicking
you out of Coon and friends.
You're kicking me out
of Coon and friends?
We voted. It's unanimous.
You can't kick me out
of Coon and friends.
I'm the Coon.
You believe that you have your
goals and doing things and
they conflict with
what we want to do.
But we get the headquarters
and the equipment.
You don't keep anything.
This is my basement and I'll
tell my mom on you guys.
We discussed with him.
Mrs. Cartman?
Yes.
Please escort him out.
Mom, what the are you doing?
Eric, you do not
beat up your friends.
I told you I've had
it with your language.
Your punishment is your friends
will play super heroes without you.
Go to your room.
You have to be kidding me.
We have missed up this time.
It's going to take more than
another I'm sorry campaign to
please everyone this time.
What a right pickle we're in.
There is no way to cut the
dimensional portal, I'm afraid.
The swells are too much
to get any machines in.
Wait a tick.
Currents and swells, that's it.
I know how to fix it.
Oh, by Jove.
We drill.
Of course.
Good idea.
Of course.
I believe that if we drilled
on the moon, changing its
pull on the ocean swells,
we could cut the
dimensional spill.
I don't quite get it.
We got into this mess by
drilling here and here.
Now we need to drill here.
That looks extremely promising.
Our environment should
stabilize if it's getting
drilled here, here and
here at the same time.
The seismic forces
will be massive.
Do you think the moon can take it?
Oh, she'll take it.
The BP oil company today
drilled into the moon and
appears to have caused
even greater problems.
I have a feeling we bet
get into our costumes.
The BP oil company has had
another drilling accident.
This time they have appeared to
unleash the dark
and mighty Cthulu.
The rise of Cthulu from another
dimension brings about 3,000
years of darkness, Tom.
Where we will all be driven to
madness and made to serve
as Cthulu's slaves.
The president of BP oil
released this press statement.
As president of want
to say we're sorry.
I'm deeply sorry.
Sorry.
Praise the dark Cthulu,
long may he rein.
Let's get to the gulf!
Darkness has taken over our town.
The Coon friends have
given in to evil.
Sync by YYeTs.net
www.addic7ed.com

S14E10 Insheeption

So then the guy hits the paint
ball bottle with his stick
and it goes right in his mouth.
Stan, I have a note for you.
Wendy said to give you this.
I'm like a mail man.
What's it say?
"We need to talk."
Eh, when a chick says,
"we need to talk"
you might as well start punching
yourself in the balls, dude.
Are you sure he has
a problem, Wendy?
Yes. I read all about it.
It's a real disease
called hoarding.
People who can't
throw anything away.
They keep living in
deeper and deeper filth
and the folks around them
can't take it anymore.
Is something wrong, Wendy?
Stan, we need to talk
about your locker.
My locker?
Every time I see the condition
it's in, I want to cry.
It just keeps getting
messier and messier.
I think you have a problemment
are you serious?
It's so full of junk,
it takes you forever to find something
and lately you have been asking
to keep things in my locker.
It's just a little messy.
No, it's called hoarding and
if you don't get help I don't know
how much longer I can be with you.
Can we throw stuff
in your locker away?
All right.
I've hired experts to help you.
We'll make this as
easy as possible, Stan.
My name is Dr. chinstrap.
I'm a hoarding specialist.
We're going to help Stan
clean out his locker.
We're going to go ahead and
see inside your locker, Stan.
What? Come on. It's not that bad.
As part of Stan's therapy,
we need to make sure we don't throw
away anything he doesn't want us to.
Stan needs to feed like he's in control
or his psychosis will come out.
My psychosis?
It isn't that big a deal.
I'll throw some stuff away.
How about we start with this?
That's my pencil box.
I need my pencil box.
We'll put that on the floor.
How about this.
Broken toothbrush.
It's good to have that
because sometimes I really want
to brush after lunch and I...
but it's broken.
But it works perfectly fine.
Ok, broken toothbox goes
right by the pencil box.
How about this.
Old sandwich in a
baggy full of maggots.
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
3¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
I might need it if
I ever have to...
the maggots are crawling down my
hand and bietding my wrist, Stan.
Can we throw this away...
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
how about this empty
aspirin bottle?
No, don't throw that out.
Can we throw up one of
these wadded up papers?
Something could be
written on them.
Give me back my sandwich.
Dude, what's wrong with you?
I don't know.
Maybe you should talk
to the counselor.
Stan, as your counselor,
I'm here to help you with
whatever problems
you might have, ok?
What is the matter?
Well, my friends are worried that
I'm showing signs of hoarding.
Hoarding? Ok. What's that?
Well, apparently it's when
you don't throw anything away
and soon you find yourself
living with a bunch of junk.
I haven't heard of that but
it definitely sounds bad, ok.
Mr. mackey, is there anything
maybe you want to talk about?
Me?
Like what?
Well, like you've got an old milk
carton here from a month ago...
don't you touch that,
that's not something
to throw that away.
If you throw that away I will
rape you in the mouth,
I will rape you in your mouth, ok?
There is no doubt about it,
the school counselor here
is a class five hoarder.
As for your son,
Mr. and Mrs. marsh,
he's easily class three.
Why is Mr. mackey doing this now?
Our son has always
been fairly clean.
We don't know a lot about
what causes hoarding
but we do know it relates
to a psychological trauma.
If it's ok with you
we would like to
run tests on both of them.
Is that necessary for Stan?
It's just his locker.
I don't know if you realize how
serious locker hoarding is.
It can lead to room hoarding,
house hoarding and in some cases
people hoard animals like cats.
Like that weird guy
on burgess road,
that guy, Mr. yelman, he's been
hoarding animals for years now.
Oh, no, really?
Mr. yelman, we have
heard disturbing reports
that you might be hoarding sheep.
Well, that is, a...
it's ok, Mr. yelman,
I'm a hoarding specialist.
What you have is an illness.
Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. marsh,
Dr. chinstrap is a professional
at memory regression.
This should prove very helpful.
All right, everyone,
we are all here to face the
disease of hoarding together.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Everyone here has the same problem
whether it's office hoarding,
or in the locker,
or even the hoarding of animals.
Excuse me,
but I am a sheep herder.
It's pronounced hoarder,
and yes, you are.
But I'm actually herding sheep.
You are hoarding sheem by
herding them, aren't you?
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
3¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
4¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
5¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
we're going to be doing
regression therapy.
I'll take you deep
into your memories.
Into your past.
That sounds like it could be bad.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
I want the three of you to relax
and think about a cloud.
A lone cloud.
Floating.
Changing.
Light.
Cool air.
Blowing the cloud.
Float...
what?
Sorry, I've got a weird
gas bubble for a second.
Anyway, a lone cloud.
Floating.
Wisps of cool air.
Now the cloud is near you.
You reach out to it.
It's the cloud of your memories.
Of your past.
Your childhood, perhaps.
What do you see in the cloud?
Who is in the cloud?
Really...
Billy, Billy Thompson?
There he is.
Here, mackey.
Oh, hi, Billy.
Nice to see you, ok.
Come here.
Actually, need to get home.
You snitched and told the
principal I was smoking.
Oh, well, smokey's...
Smoking's bad,
you're going to die, mackey.
Hold his legs.
No.
Come back here.
Ok, ok, ok, let go, it's ok,
it's ok.
Xxx
wait.
What am I doing here?
Be quiet.
Excuse me. Where are we?
You've got to be quiet.
Billy Thompson's out there.
What the hell is going on?
What the hell is going on?
The counsel's flat up reader's calculating
with the boy's and the sheep hoarder's.
Xxx
ooo
it means Mr. mackey's
childhood regression dream
is so vivid it sucked the
other two patients into it.
I'm afraid your son has gone
into his counselor's dream.
That's stupid.
How is that even possible?
It's not stupid at all.
Pinkerton, you explain the logic
and I'll describe the background.
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
it is possible to enter
into someone else's dreams.
Send dream trackers to go
into a person a subconscious
like a spy seeing their
dreams as they see them,
perhaps even planting ideas.
If one person is
regressing deeply enough,
the dream can envelope
those dreaming around
the first person I talked
about who is dreaming
and then everyone in the dream
would be in danger
of never coming back.
My bedroom.
That's my happy place.
Mr. mackey.
Xxx
what rhymes with lab rat?
Aaa
this is a lab ratment
like a bird, ok, clown, ok.
Xxx
my evel knievel doll.
I take the motorcycle,
put it on the thingy like this,
crank it up, let it go.
Ok.
This might be fun for you
but it totally isn't for me.
Look what's on. It's zoom.
I need to get back to my sheep.
I'm working on it.
Write zoom z double o.M.
Box 350, Boston, mass, 02134.
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
you can hide in your
house for now, mackey,
tomorrow it's a field trip.
Xxx
and I'm going to do things
to you you will never forget.
Xxx
I'm sorry about the smoking thing.
See you in the woods
tomorrow, dead man.
Oh, Jesus.
Is that why we're here
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
what kind of hoarding
specialist are you?
You trapped our son in his
counselor's subconscious
and now you're saying
he could die in there?
Believe me, this is the last
thing I wanted to have happen.
That does it.
What are you doing?
I'm going in.
If they're locked in his
regression maybe I can be too.
Xxx
mackey is in a difficult state.
Ooo
aaa
it's a dream world where mackey can
imagine himself to be anything.
It's dangerous.
I said, get me in there.
All right. You want to
risk your ass, fine.
You see a cloud, a Fluffy cloud,
happy, Fluffy cloud.
You reach out to it.
All right, kids,
everyone on the bus.
Where are we now?
It's the day of the
big field trip.
Come on, mackey,
we're waiting for you.
Xxx
Mr. mackey, I have to wake up.
Aaa
I need to have my own
regression therapy.
On the bus now we're running late.
I'm a sheep herder.
It's pronounced hoarder,
young man,
and if you are then you should talk
to the school counselor about it.
Xxx
ooo
son.
Dad, is that you?
Yes, it's me, Stan.
Where are you?
It's me, up here.
I'm a butterfly.
What the hell are you doing, dad?
I'm flying free with my
beautiful butterfly wings.
Did you come here to help me?
I was but this is fun.
You've got to stop mackey and
bring us back to reality.
Butterflies have no concern
for such things, Stan.
I'm going to go find
me some butterfly poon.
Dad.
Something is wrong.
What is it? The father.
He's gone completely off chart.
Off chart? What does that mean?
We don't even know.
I told him not to go into
the dream after his son.
He should have waited for
the experts to get here.
Who are the experts?
Get that door closed.
Keep me covered.
Good. You're here.
What's the sitch?
Four people stuck in his dream.
We need to move them to
the next dream level.
Xxx
what next dream level?
They're trapped in a dream,
we need to put them under
so they can go into a
dream within a dream.
Because in the dream
within a dream
we can protect them
from getting to limbo.
Xxx
ooo
like a nightmare win a nightmare.
Why can't you wake up from that?
You can but someone inside
has to wake you up
from the nightmare.
That sounds difficult.
It is.
Aaa
zzz
you're going to take my son
to a dream within the
dream and then what?
Then we go into your
husband's dream.
Your husband will go
to hasselbeck street.
Who is hasselbeck?
I am.
Why do we need a football player?
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
are you saying you
can go into a dream
and take people from that
dream into their own dream?
Not this time just once.
Xxx
it's so complex and cool.
Just because an idea is overly
convoluted doesn't make it cool.
1¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
2¿õ°×ê±¼äöá
you don't get it because
you're not smart enough.
Let's move.
Will they be able
to wake mackey up?
If they don't, it will be the
end of Europe as we know it.
Why?
Because.
Hello, kids.
My name is ranger Pete.
Hi, ranger Pete.
Ok.
Today we're going to
be learning all about
the amazing evergreens and
the fabulous ecosystem.
That should be fun, mkay.
First we have a
very special guest.
It's woodsy owl.
Oh, boy, woodsy owl.
Who is that?
Give a hoot, don't pollute.
I'm woodsy owl reminding you
to pick up your trash and
keep our forests clean.
In the city or in the woods...
help keep America looking good
I love that sound.
Time to split up and
go into the forest,
divide you up into groups of six.
We want to be in mackey's group.
That's ok.
Xxx
you can team up and
be our first group in.
Oh, here it comes, mkay.
Is this the dream?
Or the dream within the dream?
I think it's the dream inside
the matrix inside the dream.
What's shooting?
What the...
mommy, mommy.
You're saying that all
those people in there
are somehow trapped
in one person's dream?
Yes, so that's why I
called the fire department.
I don't know where else to turn.
But wait.
If those people got stuck
in there why wouldn't we?
It's very simple.
When the dream experts
go in they attempt
to take the subject to
a dream within a dream.
Like a taco within a taco?
A double Decker taco supreme.
Exactly.
But only dream spies
have the ability
to go deeper into dream levels
and firemen have the ability
to bring ladders into
other people's dreams.
How can you take a
ladder into a dream?
Because the firemen dreams
aren't like dreams at all.
They're more like a dream
within a matrix within a dream.
Somebody order a pizza?
No. Probably one of
them in the dream.
All right. I'm going in.
If we can get the fire department
into the counselor's dream,
then we can jump everyone
down a little six dream level,
that way we'll be in the
counselor's deepest level of sub...
and it will be like a taco
inside a taco within
xxx
not again, mkay?
Mr. mackey, stop running
itary going to kick my butt,
they're going to kick it bad.
Whatever happened
with those bullies,
you have to stop
running and face it.
Autojust a dream, dude.
You can control what happens.
Stand up to them this time.
I don't remember what they did,
I just remember this field
trip being really bad.
There he is.
Xxx
Mr. mackey, go and face it,
please, so we can get out of here
and find out why we're hoarding.
But I literally herd sheep.
Shut up
xxx
I'm going to stand and
face what happens, mkay?
Somebody.
Order pizza? Pizza?
Mr. mackey must be dreaming
about something
extremely traumatic.
All right. That does it.
Get your coat.
Where are we going?
Wineed to get help from the most
powerful dream infiltrator in the world.
You don't mean.
Hello, Freddie.
You're looking healthy.
Chinstrap.
What happened?
You run out of stoolies
to do your work?
Look, we're in a pickle again
and we need your help.
Got some people trapped
inside a dream.
Told you a long time ago,
I gave that up.
There are some good
men stuck in there.
I said I'm done with it.
Everything all right, Fred?
It's fine, babe,
get back in the house.
Wife and kids.
No thanks to you.
We need you, Fred.
Like you needed me to kill those
teagers to stop the Russians?
We had a country to protect.
Protect it yourself this time.
I'm not working for the
military anymore, krueger.
Then you should have no
problem covering it up.
Some of those trapped are firemen.
Public servants.
Innocent in all of this.
All right, fine.
All right, Billy,
I'm not going to let
you hurt me this time.
This time I'm going to
stand up for myself.
You're going to fight back?
I don't think so.
You can do it, Mr. mackey.
Go ahead and do your work, Billy.
I'm facing you head on.
All right, mackey, take this.
Get the perimeter secure.
Make sure they're dead.
What the hell?
We got them,
the bad memories are dead.
This is the fire department.
Do not panic.
Who are you people?
We came to rescue you from the
bad guys in mackey's dreechlt
wouldn't it be better to have
mackey face them on his own?
No, as long as the source
of the drama is wiped out,
the counselor can wake up.
Why aren't we waking up?
Unless the bullies aren't the source
of the counselor's bad memory.
Dude, that's right, the bowely it
is didn't even beat me up that day.
I ran away from them.
I remember.
I ran and I ran and I hid
in this building here
and somebody was in there,
somebody who talked to me and
then touched me somewhere.
Xxx
don't touch me,
I'll give a hoot, ok?
Woodsy owl, no,
I'll never litter again,
I'll keep all my trash,
no, woodsy, no.
What's happening?
Dream conundrum.
This is bad.
Xxx
the bad memory is
manifesting itself.
It didn't want to be exposed.
Our dream bullets don't hurt it.
No.
No more woodsy.
Mr. mackey,
you have to wake up now.
He can't. Don't you get it?
We're all going to go to limbo.
There is a real hoot
for you, woodsy.
It's dead.
It's finally dead.
Something's happening.
I'm getting bogart levels.
They're waking up.
They're coming to.
You're back, everyone.
Damn it... thanks, Freddy.
If only I could have
saved the sheep herder.
Did you find the source
of your hoarding problems?
I sure did.
Turned out he was
molested by woodsy owl.
I completely blocked it
from my memory, mkay.
He was hoarding because when
he tried to throw things away
his conscious would remember
woodsy's voice saying
give a hoot, and touching
his penis with his wing.
That is so complex, it's cool.
Now we've uncovered
his source of hoarding
we can move on to yours.
Are you ready for your therapy?
I think I have a better idea.
Stan, did you find out the
reason you have been hoarding?
Whatever it is I
don't want to know.
Am throwing this crap away
like I should have to begin with.
But dude, there must be
something in your past
you're not dealing with.
Don't care.
After going througha all that crap
and seeing what
happened to mackey,
I don't want any part of therapy.
How do you know that
wasn't your therapy?

S14E09 It's a Jersey Thing

Mom, Dad, what's muff cabbage?
- Muff cabbage?
- Where did you hear that?
Muff cabbage.
The new neighbors
next to Stan's house.
We saw the mom get a parking ticket,
and she called the parking cop
muff cabbage.
Muff cabbage.
A new family?
Where are they from?
They're from New Jersey.
A family from New Jersey
moved in next to the Marshes?
They're having them over for diner.
Oh, God!
Sharon!
- Doesn't she know?
- Know what?
Muff cabbage!
Never invite a New Jersey housewife
into your home.
And I met the school principal.
What's her name?
Principal Victoria.
What a stupid bitch.
Excuse my language, but that bitch
needs her fucking head examined.
{pos(192,225)}My family moved from Jersey
to South Park about a week ago.
{pos(192,225)}So far, I can tell
that everyone here really likes me.
I met that Stotch woman.
What's her name?
Linda?
Have you noticed
how yellow that bitch's teeth are?
You can tell she's cabbage.
She's cabbage.
I went to the mall
and just about dropped dead.
The only panties you can buy
make you look like a grandma.
Randy, what gyms are good here?
Where do you work out?
I don't really work out.
I've got fight something,
my biceps are going flat.
Where can you get
good clothes in this town? Nowhere.
That's why you're stuck
wearing garbage like that.
The woman who works
at the hair salon, Julia,
have you seen how big
that bitch's ears are?
Julia is a friend of mine.
Ears out to here.
I tell her,
"You got big ears, sweetie."
I'm not trying to be mean.
It's a Jersey thing.
Why be offended.
You've got a big chin.
We've all got imperfections.
Right, like your eyes
are kind of far apart.
That was totally uncalled for.
For what she did.
My eyes are too far apart?
And like, who is she?
Is she God? No.
You don't ever,
ever, you rat dog,
prostitution whore!
You probably sell your muff for $6.
You fucking psycho bitch!
You're nothing but cabbage.
That's what you are, you're cabbage.
You sick, old woman muff cabbage!
Muff cabbage!
Fuck this psycho bitch.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
She's a fucking pig.
She's fucking pissing me off.
- I love you.
- Take it easy.
I thought I was going to deck her.
I was really fine.
I wanted to get my point across to her,
and that's how I am.
Like, I can be mad one minute,
and then I'll be fine.
All better.
Just had to get that out.
It's a Jersey thing.
So, who wants dessert?
Me!
You do not understand.
Neighbors from Jersey are the worst.
They keep me awake all night.
They're either screaming at each other
or making disgusting sex sounds.
All people from Jersey do
is hump and punch each other.
You know what you do
to make them move away?
Every night,
you take a crap on their doorstep.
Is that why there's crap on my doorstep
every morning?
Busted.
They talk way too loud,
they flip out for no reason,
and every time they act
like selfish assholes, they go,
"It's a Jersey thing."
You're talking about Jersey?
Me and my friends are from Jersey.
More of them?
There are people
from Jersey all over.
Who is from Jersey?
{pos(192,230)}I'm standing there,
I'm like, "Who's from Jersey?"
{pos(192,230)}And people all like, "Yo, woohoo!"
{pos(192,230)}Next thing you know,
Jersey party at Sizzler.
Let's get this party started.
Where the hell are they coming from?
Danielle is being a stupid bitch.
Shut up, Teresa.
You're pathetic.
I'm pathetic?
You're muff cabbage.
Hi, sweetie.
You got to meet our new neighbors.
- This is Jacqueline, she's from Jersey.
- And Sicilian.
That's Danielle, she's from Jersey.
And that's Caroline.
I'm having my face shaved.
It's a Jersey thing.
I'm sorry,
I have other clients in ten minutes.
Can you sit down?
When the salon girl
told Teresa to sit down,
I thought Teresa
was going to bust a tit.
Don't fucking tell me what to do.
I'm a client here.
Teresa, calm down.
I don't have to take your shit.
I'm from Jersey.
Get her, Sharon!
- What?
- Sharon, stay out of it.
Be the bigger person, Sharon.
- You people are crazy.
- Who is crazy?
Are you talking about my family?
Is my family crazy?
Don't you pull my friend's hair,
you bitch.
Let go of her, you piece of trash.
Who the fuck are you
to tell me what to do?
You trashy whores get out of here
and leave her alone.
Psycho bitch!
You're the psycho bitch!
Psycho bitch!
You want to see fucking crazy?
You better step the fuck away,
you wanna see fucking crazy.
You're cabbage.
People of South Park,
we have all noticed a steep rise
in everything Jersey lately.
As many of you already know,
everything east of the Rockies
is now part of New Jersey.
The Jersey Shore now includes
Jacksonville, Miami,
the gulf of Jersey Mexico
and the Jersey islands.
Jesus, why are they doing this?
More people from Jersey
are showing up in our town.
If we don't do something,
South Park is going
to become West Jersey.
Well, that does it.
Let's go tell everyone from Jersey
we don't want them here.
That won't work.
You can't tell people from Jersey
you don't like them.
No matter how obnoxious they are,
they will convince themselves
that you all think they're cool.
How do you know that,
Mrs. Broflovski?
That's when I knew
I had to tell everyone the truth.
That originally,
I'm from Jersey.
Born and raised.
I wasn't even called Sheila back then.
In New Jersey, I was known
as S-Woww Tittybang.
I drank heavily and punched
a lot of bitches in the face.
Living in South Park,
I'm able to control my Jersey side
which doesn't really come out
unless I get around other people
from Jersey.
I'm just hoping that people here
don't judge me for it
or somehow hold it against me.
Who are you talking to?
You wouldn't understand.
It's a Jersey thing.
You ain't getting by that way.
Hey, dudes.
Look what the cat
threw up in the litter box.
Come on, we don't want to be seen
hanging around him.
- What are you talking about?
- We heard the news.
- Your mom is from Jersey.
- So what?
So what?
That makes you from Jersey.
- No, it doesn't.
- He's from Jersey. Get away from him.
I'm not from Jersey.
I was born here.
Don't try and deny it.
You're one of them,
and by my accounts that's strike three.
What's strike three?
You are a ginger,
a Jew and from Jersey.
That's three strikes.
You're out.
Shut the fuck up.
- What?
- Did you know she was from Jersey?
- Why does it matter?
- It just explains a lot.
My God!
He's even starting to look
like he's from Jersey.
- His skin is turning orange.
- No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
It's getting oranger.
Because his mom's a Jersey asshole
doesn't mean he is.
You do what you want.
As for me, you're a heartless,
backstabbing Jersey boy,
and I shan't be playing basketball
with the likes of you.
And I'm going to start crapping
on your doorstep a lot more.
Couldn't be.
My God.
- You're in there?
- Hold on.
- Not right now.
- Open the door.
Not now, please.
This instant.
One...
- Two...
- All right.
I guess we need to talk.
I know this has to be
very upsetting for you.
What am I?
When I got pregnant with you,
your father and I were living
with my parents in Newark.
We knew we had to get out.
Neither one of us wanted our child
to be from Jersey,
so we moved,
as far away as we could.
But now, I realize you can take
the fetus out of Jersey,
but you can't take Jersey
out of the fetus.
What are you saying?
I'm saying
that for the first two months
I carried you in my stomach,
I lived in Newark.
Technically, you are from Jersey.
- I don't want to look like this.
- It isn't so bad.
A lot of people
think the Jersey look is nice.
I can hide it.
Nobody ever has to know.
I can't ever let anybody know.
<i>Live from St. Louis, New Jersey,
it's the Jersey News,
<i>with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi.
What's up, New Jersey.
It's the evening news.
Our top story tonight,
many Jersey people
are freaking pissed
after a small town in Colorado
got all agro
on some decent Jersey folks.
For more on the story,
we go to Chicago.
{pos(192,220)}People here
in Chicago, New Jersey, are riled up.
Apparently,
a town called South Park,
which is at the border
of Denver, New Jersey,
is discriminating
against people from Jersey.
They won't sell houses
to people from New Jersey,
and they're making
all the ones who moved in move out,
and they're taking down
all the Jersey owned shops.
These people got a beef with Jersey.
What's up with that?
What's up with that?
We are coming after you, South Park.
We fight discrimination.
It's a Jersey thing.
Governor,
you have to send your troops
to join us in this fight.
We're just a small town.
We can't stop New Jersey on our own.
We are very sorry,
but California
cannot afford helping you at this time.
Can't you see that if we fall,
California is next?
Because Utah
is between Colorado and California.
Fine, but when Utah is taken over,
then who is next?
Nevada.
Really?
OK, Mr. I'm awesome at geography.
What are you doing?
My dad said
to distribute all these guns.
We're going to let him stand here?
He could easily be a spy.
I told you, I'm not one of them.
I don't want to live in West Jersey
any more than you.
- Overcompensating a little, aren't we?
- That's enough.
You're tainted with the three Js,
Jewish, Jersey and Jinger.
Admit it.
I'm not one of them.
Do you understand me?
You better get that to your fat head.
I will never be one of them,
and if you say it again,
I'll smash your fucking teeth in.
Hurt my throat,
because he push it right here,
and the back of my head
hit the tree,
He was barking, and he scratched it.
Did you see the scratch?
Emperor Akishino,
we need Japan's help.
Fine, but you Japs
will all be eating hoagies in a month.
Nobody is going to help us.
We're on our own.
We can't take on all of Jersey.
We have to find support.
There is no support.
Every ally America had is...
Wait a minute.
When the threat is great enough,
you turn to your enemies for help.
What are you talking about?
We could ask Al-Qaeda.
Ask Al-Qaeda for help?
After what they did to us?
Maybe it's time
we put our differences aside.
What about the families
of the victims of 9/11?
Their feelings matter
for another ten months, damn it.
We got a problem.
You got to get down to the bar.
There is trouble.
- People from Jersey?
- I don't know what the hell I saw.
It tore a whole in my meat locker,
smashed a cigarette machine in half.
Come out, now,
make it easy on yourself.
It's one of them.
That thing's from Jersey too.
- What is it?
- It's called a Snooki.
It's very famous.
That thing is famous?
- Why?
- I don't know.
What are we waiting for?
Let's kill it.
Don't let it get away.
Where is it?
Who is that?
Get it off of me.
Shoot it.
So then he grabs my throat,
and he slams my head into a tree,
and then he screams,
"I'll smash your teeth in."
My head is gashed open.
Kyle did that?
Gee whiz.
He's getting worse.
The Jersey in him is coming out.
I don't see any other choice.
We have lock him
in the meat freezer at Sizzler.
What's up?
It's kind of nice out tonight, huh?
He has to be put away,
and he has to be put away now.
- Are you being serious?
- This is very serious.
But locking Kyle in a meat freezer,
he could die.
If he does, too bad.
Did you see the scratch on my head?
Did you smell raspberries?
I smell raspberries.
We need to do this now.
At some point,
he might start suspecting something.
<i>Hello, Mr. Bin Laden.
<i>My name is Randy,
<i>and I'm a geologist in America.
<i>I know that America
isn't your favorite place in the world,
<i>but darn it, we need your help.
<i>We are trying to stop our entire country
from becoming New Jersey.
<i>If we do not succeed,
<i>Jersey will spread to Japan,
Russia, and eventually, to you.
<i>You have seen countless horrors
in your lifetime, Mr. Bin Laden,
<i>and you have witnessed
the very worst of mankind.
<i>Now, I ask you to watch this.
Come on, hurry.
- What are we doing at Sizzler?
- You won't believe it.
<i>- It's a miracle.
- What kind of fucking miracle?
Jesus answered our prayers.
It's so cool.
It's right there in the meat locker.
Kyle, go check it out.
- Why?
- Go see why. It's a Jesus miracle.
You want to lock me in there,
because you think I'm one of them.
Seriously.
- You won't trap me.
- Trap you?
It's actually...
Lights!
It's a trap.
Get him to the meat locker.
What are you doing?
Back away.
This is for the safety of all of us.
Sorry, but you can't be trusted.
Fine, Cartman,
you really want me in there...
What is that behind you?
Do we really have to resort to that?
I'm serious.
What is that behind you?
You ginger Jersey Jew.
Your tactics won't work on me.
Snooki want smush-smush.
What the fuck
is that thing behind me?
The Jersey people are advancing.
Where is Randy?
He's still questioning
that new prisoner.
All right, Mr. Situation,
we'll try this again.
Why are you doing this?
But I told you.
It's just a Jersey thing.
What does that mean?
You just don't understand.
It's a Jersey thing.
- Stop playing stupid.
- Maybe he really is stupid.
Nobody is this stupid.
What are you people planning?
It's just a Jersey thing.
You've got to be
from Jersey to get it.
Here they come.
Is it them?
They're from Jersey.
Let's go.
Let's go creepin' in this town.
Don't you talk about my family.
This is where we make our stand.
South Park will never be
West Jersey.
Fuck New Jersey!
Keep shooting.
We're sick of you, Jersey.
Fuck off!
- Get it off of me!
- Snooki want smush-smush.
Got to find a way past it.
- What does it want?
- Sounds like it wants smush-smush.
Snooki want smush-smush.
You guys, it's raping me!
Jesus Christ!
What do we do?
Oh, God!
Get out of here.
Why?
Dude.
Get out of here,
you piece of cabbage.
You want to smush,
get creepin' somewhere else.
You're cabbage, you know that?
You got cabbage in your muff.
You got cabbage
in your fucking muff.
That's the last of it.
We're out of ammo.
Then we've got
to start falling back to Utah.
What's the point?
Can't you see it's over?
Who is that?
It's Al-Qaeda.
Give them hell, Al-Qaeda.
On a cold October night,
a small town in Colorado
stood up to New Jersey
and finally said, "Go away."
Our fortitude was the inspiration
for others and now,
New Jersey is slowly receding back
to the desolate land
from whence it came.
Our country is getting back to normal,
and we owe it all
to Osama Bin Laden.
You're back to normal.
The more distance between me
and New Jersey, the better I feel.
But you still have it in you.
You saved my life.
Deep down inside, you're a monster,
but you're my little monster.
I just have one question.
At Sizzler, when you were yelling
muff cabbage, what's that?
It's a Jersey thing.
On this day, let us all remember
that no people on this Earth
are really enemies,
only folks with differences.
Tango's down.
We got him!

S14E08 Poor and Stupid

<i>I'm goin' down to south
park gonna have myself a time
<i>Friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptation
<i>Goin' down to south park
gonna leave my woes behind
<i>Ample parking day or night
people shouting howdy neighbor
<i>Heading on up to south park
gonna see if I can't unwind
<i>Come on down to
south park and nothing.
SOUTH PARK ELMENTARY
Cartman, dude,
what is wrong?
Nothing.
Just leave me alone, okay?
Dude, you've been sitting at your
locker crying since lunch break.
Something's going on.
It's just that essay
that Garrison assigned us.
What I wanna be
when I grow up?
I don't like thinking about what
I wanna be when I grow up, alright?
Why not?
Because when I grow up I wanna be
something that I know I can never be, Stan.
Cartman, tell us.
I wanna be a
Nascar driver, okay?
When I see the car races on TV, those
loud engines, the peeling wheels.
It's so cool.
Well, Cartman, if you want to drive
Nascar when you grow up, you can.
Oh right, someone like me
can be a Nascar driver!
Look at me!
You really think
someone like this,...
...can ever become an awesome,
famous Nascar driver?
Aw, Cartman, you can change
things about yourself.
No, I can't.
I'll always be like this.
Dude, no, you don't know that.
Come on you guys.
I have to face facts.
Nascar is only for
poor and stupid people.
I don't have what it takes.
What?
I'm not poor and stupid enough
to do Nascar and I never will be.
Dude, I don't think just poor
and stupid people like Nascar.
Oh really?
Hey, hey, Kenny!
- You love Nascar, huh.
- Yeah, dude I love Nascar!
You see?
I told you guys, what's the use?
It's just it's hopeless!
Cartman, you are poor
and you are stupid.
I know you're trying to
make me feel better, Kyle,...
...but a rich smart kid has
no place on a racetrack.
Dude, you are so retarded!
Thanks, Stan, but even if I
was, I'd still be too rich.
How are you rich?
Your mom pays for everything.
You guys really think I
could do this, don't you?
You really believe in me.
I believe that you're
a broke, ignorant, idiot!
Then maybe I can make
myself believe it, too.
Thank you guys.
I'm gonna go chase a dream.
- Butters.
- Hey Eric.
Butters, the guys have been talking to me
and well, they've got me pretty pumped up.
I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to
do something big and I'm psyched!
Okay!
But I'm gonna need your help.
Can you get psyched?
- You gonna get psyched up?
- Yeah, I'm psyched!
- Get really psyched up, Butters!
- I'm really psyched! Yeah, yeah.
Let's do this! I'm pumped!
I'm psyched!
I'm going to become a
Nascar driver, Butters.
- I'm going for the gold.
- Nascar.
I know, I'm not poor and stupid
enough, but I can change that, Butters.
Here.
I want you to take all my money.
Every bit of it, Butters.
58 dolars and 32 cents.
You're givin' away all your money?
Just get rid of it, Butters.
Don't tell me where you spend it,
and don't ever let me have it back.
From this moment on,
I am poor, like Kenny.
You sure you want to do this?
I told you I'm serious, Butters.
This is my shot.
I'm gonna get as poor and
stupid as I possibly can.
All right, folks. We wanna thank you all
for coming out and supporting Nascar.
Yeah! So cool!
Now who's ready for
Saturday's Big Race?
We are really excited to be part of
the fastest growing sport in America!
Now I don't know about you,
but I am thrilled to watch Nascar...
...finally becoming a recognized
as a respected, legitimate sport!
Yeah!
Hello! Excuse me!
I know that you Nascar
people don't have very much.
So I went out and bought you all $58
worth of canned food and blankets!
You're welcome!
I helped the needy!
<i>I tell you what.
It's raining cats and dogs outside.
<i>Mostly cats.
<i>I just wish I brought an umbrella.
- Hey Eric!
- Ah, Butters!
Did you give away all my money?
You don't have a penny left!
You're poor as shit.
How come you're
hanging upside down?
I need to get stupid, Butters.
I'm getting all the
blood to rush to my head...
...and watching a marathon
of "Two and a Half Men."
<i>Hey, that's a hot girl over there.
<i>Sure, she's hot.
She's wearing a sweater!
- Feel stupid yet?
- Not yet.
<i>When a woman isn't feeling her
freshest, she turns to vagisil.
Oh, god dammit.
Another vagisil commercial?
<i>To stop femine itching
and relieve vaginal odors.
Fucking gross!
All those ladies
have stinky vaginas?
<i>If you develop an allergic
reaction, see your doctor.
<i>In some cases, vagisil can
lead to short-term memory loss.
<i>For the freshest, cleanest femine
area, do what others women do?
Did you hear that?
<i>In some cases, vagisil can
lead to short-term memory loss.
Oh my god, Butters!
We need vagisil.
Vagisil, vagisil maximum strength,
vagisil wash, vagisil medicated wipes.
Gee wiz!
There's vagi-everythings!
Which one
do I use to kill brain cells?
Well, just buy me one
of each of them, Butters.
- I'm buyin'?
- I'm totally poor, Butters. Did you forget?
But I... I didn't bring any money.
I didn't know I had to buy vagisil.
God damn it, Butters!
All right, just just keep a lookout.
I'll try it here.
Look that way and make sure
the cashier doesn't see me!
- Is anybody coming?
- No, you're good.
Little boy,
what are you doing?
Oh my god, Butters!
I feel kind of stupid!
- Really? - Yes! Yes, I'm feeling
totally stupid right now!
That was fast!
Grab what you can and
let's get out of here.
I'm ready.
<i>We are just seconds away from
the start of the Denver 300!
<i>Excuse me!
Mr. Evans, sir?
Your... your wife is on the phone.
She just got raped.
- What? - Yeah, she got raped a lot,
and you gotta talk to her.
Oh my god!
Sweet!
Nice work, Butters.
Now go be my spotter so
we can win this thing.
Eric, are you sure
you can do this?
Don't worry, Butters,
I'm totally poor and stupid.
I'm ready for Nascar.
<i>Let the race begin!
<i>Let's go Nascar!
I'm not moving, Butters.
- I think you gotta press the gas pedal.
- What's that?
There's like a long pedal on
the floor by your right foot.
Oh, okay.
<i>Let's go Nascar!
It looks like Dale Evans'
car is going the wrong way!
Cool, Nascar!
Sweeet!
Oh fuck my ass!
Eric?
All that work,...
...all the effort I put in,...
...I still wasn't poor
and stupid enough to win.
Eric, you were as poor and
stupid as you could be.
Don't you get it, Butters?
It's never going to happen for me!
Those people are way more poor
and stupid than I'll ever be!
I might as well kill myself.
Eric! Don't ever talk like that!
I've given away all my money!
Drank enough vagisil to kill every brain
cell I have, but it still wasn't enough!
All right, Eric, we got
the X-Rays back.
How bad is it, doctor?
He has two fractured
ribs, a broken femur,...
...torn ligaments in both knees
and a level two concussion.
He also appears to be developing
three small vaginas in his stomach,...
...but they are
all sparkling clean.
Well, at least there's that.
Just pull the plug on me, doctor.
I don't want to live like this.
You aren't on life support.
Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.
Oh donkey balls.
You are lucky
to be alive, young man.
Sneaking onto a Nascar racetrack,
and hijacking a car for a joyride.
That has got to be the stupidest
thing I've ever heard of a kid doing.
Thanks, doc, but you aren't going
to make me feel any better.
No, really.
Of all the idiotic, dumb ways
I've seen kids injure themselves,...
...yours takes the retard cake!
Did you hear that, Eric?
See?
You are really stupid.
Could it be I only lost the race because
I just somehow wasn't poor enough?
It has to be, Eric.
Eric, where are you going?
Get me my coat, Butters.
We're gonna try this thing again.
<i>You're watching Colorado Fox 11.
<i>Next on Fox 11 news,
are Nascar fans stupid?
<i>Some people are starting to wonder after a
Nascar fan apparently got high on vagisil...
<i>...and snuck onto
the track killing 11 people.
<i>Tom, the Nascar fan got into a car here on
sunday and crashed in the lake behind me.
<i>He was later found
to have ingested this,...
<i>...maximum strength vagisil,
and also vagisil medicated wipes.
<i>Making Nascar fans
look pretty stupid, Tom.
No! Nascar fans aren't stupid.
Cartman is!
<i>The Nascar fan vows he
will try to do it again,...
<i>...but that this time, he will win.
Oh that fucking asshole!
Oh hey, Kenny!
Dude, what the fucking are doing.
Come in, dude, I wanna show
you what I've been working on!
Check it out! I thought
I could just give all...
...my money away and be
as poor as your family.
But then I realized,
what do poor people do?
Buy things even though they
don't have money by going out...
...and purchasing things that are 0%
down and no payments for two years!
That's how you people
stay poor forever!
Am I right?
That's it, right?
Dude, fuck you!
Kenny, I'm just trying
to get good at Nascar.
Being poor has nothing
to do with Nascar!
Hey, I love Nascar
just as much as you do!
No you fucking don't!
Oh it's so easy for you,
isn't it, Kenny?
I've had to become poor
all on my own, you know?
I wasn't born with a
plastic spoon in my mouth.
What?
I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down
and no payments for two years myself,...
...I didn't have parents to
do it for me like you do.
Look, Kenny, Kenny.
We shouldn't be fighting.
We both love Nascar and
we're both poor as shit.
Uhh, excuse me?
- Eric Cartman?
- Yeah.
My name is Geoff Hammil.
I'm the founder
and C.E.O. of vagisil.
Young man, your Nascar stunt has
brought a lot of attention to vagisil,...
...and honestly, I don't
know how to thank you.
Our sales are up, and
all women are finally...
...realizing that their
feminine odor can be treated.
I first created vagisil
for my wife, Patty.
She's my muse, my flame.
We realize that Nascar can do
a lot for product recognition,...
...and so vagisil has a
little present for you.
Oh sweet!
No way!
This is so tits!
Vagisil would like you to represent
us in the next Nascar race!
Dude, check it out Kenny!
My very own Nascar!
No fucking way.
And we've modified the cockpit to
be operated properly by a child.
Oh cool, huh Kenny!
I got a Nascar, Kenny!
So awesome, huh Kenny?
We are now live at the
Nascar press conference...
...where the drivers of
saturday's race are gearing up...
...and taking questions
from reporters.
So what's your guys' take on
the track here, any concerns?
Well, I think it's a fine track.
You know the techs have done a
really good job of making sure
The banks are grafted down to the right
specs and there shouldn't be any problem...
Yeah, we like this track, yup.
We gotta graftin' banks and
specs and it's like an oval...
...so we're gonna drive straight and then we
need and we're gonna be turnin' to the left.
Uh, they're saying
hot weather tomorrow.
Any concerns about restrictor
plate or brake fade problems?
Of course, any time you're
dealing with high humidity...
...you need to compensate
your brake fluid...
...but the plates themselves...
...compensate yer brake
fluid and get your,...
...your brake working so
you can stop sometimes.
Excuse me, who is this kid?
Is he even a driver?
Uuuh, bring it aw-n earnhard.
You scared a competition?
I'm just as poor
and stupid as you!
I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fast
and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes!
Can we just get back to the
subject of racing, please?
Oho, bring it aw-n
Danica, you dumb bitch.
Think I can't steer
left better than you?
You seemed really stupid, Eric!
Thanks, B-Buds. I really think I
can hold my own against these guys.
Little worried about that
Jimmie Johnson guy, though.
He seems dumber than spit.
And that Danica Patrick chick?
Whew, we're gonna need to get
even poorer and stupider, Butters.
Both of us.
<i>All right from the NFL we now
turn to the world of Nascar.
<i>People who weren't sure what to
think of Nascar are more sure today...
<i>...after a Nascar driver released bigoted
and ignorant statements on his podcast.
<i>All right, what's up Nascar fans?
<i>I don't know about ya'll but this
President Obama is pissin' me off.
<i>So I'm gonna do some
dip and speak my mind.
<i>Today I'm gonna be dippin' vagisil
regular strength anti-itch cream.
<i>Yeah, that's a big digger right there.
<i>So I'm pretty pissed
off at what I found out.
<i>I found this Obama wants to
put a bigger tax on gasoline.
<i>What the fuck is up with that?
<i>That's fucking gay.
<i>Fucking gay as hell.
<i>Ya'll know my pit boss, Butters.
<i>Obama's fucking gay.
<i>He's fucking gay as hell.
<i>Pisses me off.
<i>So ya'll be sure to
catch us in our next race.
<i>We're about as poor and stupid
as fucking they come so come down...
<i>...and cheer for us
at Nascar on saturday.
<i>Obama's gay as hell!
<i>Well, if you ask me, that's
all the proof we need that...
<i>...Nascar really is just for
the poor and the stupid.
The stage is set for what could be the
most important race of the Nascar year.
Lots of speculation and interest in
the vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman.
We're joined now by the inventor
and owner of vagisil, Geoff Hammil.
Thank you, Chris.
Geoff, why did you decide
to sponsor a Nascar driver?
Vagisil is very excited to be part
of the Nascar phenomenon, Chris.
You know I first created vagisil
to try and help my wife, Patty.
She is my muse, my flame.
Wherever Patty goes,
her smile lights up the room.
Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the
room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks.
Okay. Well, the race is about to start, so
why don't we kick it back down to the track.
<i>Gentlemen, start your engines!
All right, start your engines.
What's that mean?
That means ya flip the
switch that says engine!
Is he stupid, or what?
Yeah, he's a champion all right!
Check your bag, please, sir.
No, no.
See this won't do.
You can't bring a sniper
rifle onto the track.
Aw, come on!
Look, Nascar is trying
to change its image.
It's people like you that
are giving Nascar a bad name.
Oh, whatever fuck you.
You might be able to
buy one in the giftshop.
<i>The drivers are slowly headin'
out to follow the pace car.
All right. I'm gonna press the gas
pedal and I'm gonna go forward.
Nascar! Yeah!
This is just the pace lap.
You don't go full speed yet!
Yeah, just a pace lap.
Gotta hit the brake.
What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck you Danica Patrick!
You ain't half as dumb as me!
Gas pedal!
Aw, son of a bitch!
Ain't nobody can stop me!
And it looks like the vagisil car
has already clipped two other drivers...
...and taken them out of the race.
Yeah, the other drivers are not
going to be happy about this.
What do you think, Mr. Hammil?
vagisil is a company that really
stands behind it's product, Chris.
We want women to know
that vagisil is effective,...
...safe for use every day.
Every day.
Every day.
And available nationwide.
<i>Be careful up here by 100 yards, Eric.
There's a wrecked car on the right side.
<i>You gonna wanna watch for you...
You see that?
Danica Patrick tried to get in my way.
That pisses me off.
That's fucking gay as hell.
Oohp, I'm comin' up on
that turn thingie again.
I gotta steer left!
Get out of the way, you idiots.I'm
tryin' to win this damn thing.
There you go.
You're back on the track.
I'm back on the track!
What the... Kenny?
What the hell are you doing?
Fuck you dude!
Get off my car, Kenny!
Fuck you!
Pull over!
Oh man! Now our friend Kenny's
tryin' to break the windshield.
Ain't that just gay as hell.
We're tradin' paint!
Oh, it's so easy for
you, isn't it, Kenny?
I have to prove myself!
I hate you.
Sorry, dude,
I'm winning this race.
With the brake.
Bye, Kenny!
Oh, jesus, there's a
little boy on the track!
Well, it appears that all the
other drivers have crashed...
...and only the vagisil car remains.
Looks like you're
going to win, Mr. Hammil.
This is such a great
day for vagisil, Chris.
Our product awareness will
be at an all-time high.
Femine odor must be treated
diligently, very diligently.
Patty?
Patty?
It looks like a woman is trying to
take over for jimmie johnson's car!
What?
Ma'am, you are
on an active racetrack.
This is extremely dangerous.
Let me talk to her!
Patty!
Patty what are you doing?
<i>Patty, pull over the Nascar.
You're acting irrationally.
Patty, did you forget
to take your medication?
You know how you get when
you don't use your vagisil.
There should be some
in your purse, my muse.
<i>Patty!
<i>Agh, you dumb bitch!
Butters, this bitch is
tryin' to wreck my car!
I know!
That pisses me off!
That's fucking gay.
Fucking gay as hell.
Patty, you are
my muse and my flame.
<i>They're neck and neck
approaching the finish line!
Fuck my ass again!
<i>And celebration for the
Lowe's Home Improvement Team.
Patty! How could you?
You've ruined us!
You've ruined vagisil!
You fucking lose!
No, no Kenny.
Go ahead.
I deserve it.
I thought I could just waltz into a
racetrack and do what these people do.
But I owe you an apologie.
The truth is I'm just too smart.
And with how smart I am, I always
be succesful therefore have money.
I just have to accept I'm
too smart and rich for Nascar.
It's time for me to give it up.
All right, Butters.
Give me back my money.
58 dolars and 32 cents that
I gave you. I want it back.
But you say...
God damn it, Butters.
You better have it.